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Would you buy me if I were a doll?


How would I market myself? I would be an intellectual and a thinker. Direct and to the point Barbie. Twisted sense of humour Barbie. Keeps a messy apartment Barbie.

I was at some event called Elle Fashion event and this was one of the displays as they had a fashion show and vendors. Some of the fashion designers designed a type of outfit and accessories for Barbie. I can't remember why, maybe it was for charity or to celebrate an anniversary. They had this giant box, which you could pretend you're a Barbie.

But I think this Barbie would be most marketable:



I call this: Casual Wear Gangsta Barbie. She'll bust a cap in your ass, but you would never suspect her because she so don't look gangsta!

Moving On

Greetings all,

I had mentioned about my email I sent to this guy I was interested in last week. I figured I should have heard from him by this weekend but I didn't and that was it for me. I'm officially done with him and am no longer interested. I'm no longer wasting any mental or emotional energy on this situation.

I would think one would get back to someone within a week. If he thinks I will bug him for a response, he is mistaken.

I was a bit upset yesterday and I had thought that at least I did my best. If he chose to delete it or not read it, that's his problem. The situation is out of my control and I see no point in worrying over it. If he hasn't gotten back to me by now, then he's probably not the right man for me.

Relationships are 2-way streets and you can't expect only one person to be open and honest in the relationship. It takes two. For whatever unknown reason, he's not into me and while that hurts my feelings, I have to move on and find someone who will give me the love and care and honestly and all that other stuff when it comes to being in a relationship, that I deserve.

I truly believe with all my being that I will find the right man and that someone better will come along.

Onward and upward for me!

Review of Sinol, nasal spray for Allergies

Greetings all,

I started to have my seasonal allergies start up 2 weeks ago. I went to Hamilton and figured it was from my parent's cat as I stayed overnight. When I came back to Toronto, I was still sneezing and feeling stuffy the next day so I figured my seasonal allergies probably kicked in. It was pretty bad. Last year I only relied on my neti pot and it worked good enough.

Now I used my neti pot a few times and I use it occasionally during the rest of the year but that didn't help out my allergies. I decided to look for Naseleze, which was a product I tried a couple of years ago and liked but haven't needed to use it so I only had it for one year.

I went to a few health food stores in the area and couldn't find it. I wondered if they took it off the market or something because I would have thought I'd have found it. I wanted a naturopathic product and I saw a few at one place but I wanted to at least review them online so I just wrote down the names of them.

I ended up checking Zellers and actually found Sinol. Now I decided to buy it even though I saw a couple of other products at the health food store and wanted to research first before I made the investment. Maybe it was the attractive design of it that prompted me to just buy it.



It's a nice shade of blue isn't it? Baby blue, delicate and soothing.

I don't think the other products had the same design but maybe that's why I bought it. I ended up picking a winner. Hey, I did read the label and examined the product thoroughly before I bought it.

You are to spray each nostril 3-12 times a day. My first day I used it 9 times. I had decided to go to the washroom at work so that my coworkers wouldn't be offended by the snorting sound I would make as you have to inhale deeply into your nasal cavities. I personally wouldn't care what people thought, but you know, I have to be professional.

Each time I went to the bathroom, sometimes there was one person already in the stall so they wouldn't actually see what I was doing. They would just hear what I was doing and sometimes I would wonder if people thought I was doing drugs or something. And technically I was, but they were legal drugs!

One time the director of our department came in and I was snorting up and holding the product in my hand. So I felt a bit awkward about that.

Technically the product I was using is a homeopathic drug, although I think they only labeled that for legal reasons. It contains water, aloe, rosemary extract, sea salt, vitamin c and benzalkonium chloride. The active ingredient however is capsicum or the ingredient commonly found in red peppers.

So when you use it, there is a bit of a zing to it but it goes away quickly and it actually relieves the symptoms quickly. It's supposed to desensitize the mucous membrane and as a result makes them less irritated by stuff.

My headache from the allergies were pretty bad and it ended up taking a full day for the pain in my head to subside. I don't have to use it much and by my second day of using it, I only used 5 sprays and now I just use it twice a day.

I'm not sure how long I'll need to use it since I probably just experience symptoms for a month but the weather has been weird so hopefully by May I won't need to use.

I really enjoy using Sinol and recommend it.

Life Hurts

Greetings all,

This post will be depressing so I thought I'd give a heads up first.

I've mentioned that I've been into kundalini yoga for about a year and a half now. I used to do hatha and qigong and have always made it a point to have some sort of physical activity that is mindful and brings calm in my world.

I am doing a meditation discipline as mentioned called ganapati kriya and I have some dvds by this couple that brand themselves as Raviana. I've also practiced and learned from books so essentially I do my own home study and maybe would like to someday attend a class, although I do attend regular group meditations.

I've decided to do another discipline for a kriya called sat kriya. I've read that it's one of the most potent kriya to work with and it has been said this is one of the 3 Yogi Bhajan says one should do if all the meditations were lost and that should not be lost as a teaching.

It's been pretty intense at times and it's a nice compliment to the ganapati I'm working with. I'm building up my time and have started out with the minimum of 3 minutes. I got up to 11 minutes so now I am building up to 22 minutes. In kundalini yoga, they have certain times to build things up to and they are 3, 11, 22, 31 and 62 minutes. As well, if you decide to undergo a discipline, you have to commit to it for 40 days and cannot skip a day. So with my 2 disciplines, no matter what I do, I have to make sure I do it before I go to bed. I'm pretty disciplined so that's not an issue.

Anyways, it's been intense to work with sat kriya because I might do it for 2 days and feel relaxed and nothing really emotional comes up and then when I try it again, all sorts of emotional stuff comes up and it's just so damn painful and scary. It hurts so bad but I know it's for my own good, because in a sense I am cleaning out my subconscious and am dealing with stuff I've repressed, and possibly traumas from past lives. I'm still on the fence about past lives but I feel there's so much emotional stuff I've had to process, it's the only logical answer. I have had some frustrations in life but my life was not that traumatizing.

I know in the long run I am happier and don't get as angry at things and am less triggered and more secure with myself, however, some days are really depressing for me because sometimes really painful stuff comes up and it's hard to process. There are some days where I just want to slit my wrists and kill myself and just end this miserable experience called life. I know that I shouldn't and I've never attempted suicide but it's just really painful. It runs it's course and then I'm okay and eventually will again repeat this cycle but there are some days where I feel good and optimistic. But sometimes it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I normally don't like to tell people how I feel because I don't want to bring people down and I think as well, unless you have an active meditation practice like I do, you probably just wouldn't understand what I'm going through. So I do feel lonely at times about my own suffering.

The last time I felt this type of pain was in my early 20s when I was experiencing an existential crisis and it last for about 3 years and happened around 20-23. I'd experience these bursts of pain and turned to anthroposophy for my spiritual nourishment, which seemed to help. I figure I am going through another intense spiritual phase and I think it started around 28 so I think it will be over soon but I think it's for my own good.

This is why as well I don't believe in the theory of Positive Thinking. Because I think you have to penetrate into the subconscious level to create lasting change in an individual. I think if someone just thinks positive thoughts all day, it will just create superficial change and I would think it's treating the symptom and not the cause. I feel because I am clearing and dealing with these buried issues via meditation, I naturally have an easier time to maintain a positive attitude and it's not something I have to work hard to do, I'm working hard on the level to actually get to the root of the problem.

I Must Be Crazy!

Greetings all,

I had mentioned in a recent post, about my current dry love life and how I had decided I wasn't going to contact the 'english muffin' whom I've been frustrated with over.

I have to admit that I like this guy so much, that I actually did a flow chart about whether I should email him or not. A FLOWCHART!!

I think a week earlier I had mentioned I wrote out an email, which I had no intention of sending, and I tossed it mainly since I was still angry and was not expressing that in an adult manner as it was tinged with some frustration. I decided to write something more dignified, which acknowledged the situation but was not conveying neediness or frustration.

In my flow chart, I basically attributed this status update to be what triggered the ignoringness so I was listing the possible reasons for why it occurred, and I came up with misinterpretation or his own insecurity or a form of passive aggressive. I had thought it would be justified to contact him if it was for the former but I wrote out the risks for the later as if he is insecure, this is going to cause problems down the line.

I can't believe I did a flow chart...

Anyways, I spoke with one of my male coworkers, asking how he would interpret the status and his mind thought it was dirty too.

I had emailed him yesterday afternoon and I don't care if I hear from him or not (I would like to hear from him, but I really have to not be attached).

I have thought that if someone wrote me a note like that, I probably would acknowledge it right away, but being he is a man and he basically ignored me for no legitimate reason and it was merely a misinterpretation issue, I figure he is going to mull this over, since guys don't like to admit too easily when they make a mistake.

I still can't believe I did a flow chart....
the things I do for love!

I figured as well though, if he ignored me and was offended by this status, it probably means he likes me, otherwise it wouldn't have bothered him.

Anyways, he has reasons to be a little mistrustful towards me. He was in the process of 'making the kill' and then I say this and he takes it the wrong way (I am assuming that this update is what triggering the lack of conversation between us). we've been doing this on again/off again nonesense and the last time we stopped talking, because I was getting frustrated with not having him visit or things get clearly labeled (i.e. him calling me his girlfriend). Way back when after we had experienced another period of not talking and we became friends again on facebook, one of my status updates was that I have a hot date, again me wanting to push him to want to label me as his girlfriend and to hurry it up because some other man will claim me. That seemed to work against me!

So yes, I think I have to admit things have not been progressing as smoothly with him as I would have liked. I figured I maybe should extend some sort of olive branch. I think this could work. He is probably one of few people that when I talk to him, I never feel bored and I always smile.

I'm just trying to learn my lessons and do what I think is right.

a flow chart!!!
I am crazy!

Making the Right Decisions

Greetings all,

I had started wondering if making decisions was an issue for me because there are times when I feel I am indecisive and unclear about what to do next. So I had thought that maybe I'll take out a book on Decision theory, which I managed to find.

I am up to Chapter 6 of a book with 13 chapters and I can already tell I probably will not like the rest of this. The book is called "The Right Decision" by James Stein, PhD. He is a math professor.

So he starts out by saying that people who are successful typically make good decisions in life so it makes sense to strengthen this faculty in yourself so that you can make better decisions. He constructs these quizzes and gives you points on which answer you give. Obviously, the best decision is the one with the most points.

He's used some examples from history to create the quizzes from. I liked taking the quizzes because I'm a nerd so taking quizzes makes me feel smart. Some of the questions, I chose the best answer and if you choose the best answer, it's worth 5 points. Second best choice can be worth 1-3 points and the worst choice is worth -1 to 1. Some questions I didn't make the right choice but I didn't agree with his line of thinking and I actually think I made the right decision, inspite of what he thought was the right decision.

He is a critic of Malcolm Gladwell's book The Power of Thinking Without Thinking and he briefly mentions that people don't like thinking because it's hard work so that's probably why the above book was so popular (or maybe he's just jealous of MG?). I totally agree with this since thinking does require effort and it's important to use this thinking muscle and push it. I'm sure most of my readers know that I am into philosophy, particularly the philosophy known as Anthroposophy and I think reading some of these books have really trained my thinking faculty so I think I can probably out think most people. But I have to be in the mood, because sometimes I just can't be bothered to tear apart people's faulty belief structures. Mainly because it would take some time and I'd probably have to care... and frankly I could think of better ways to spend my time.

One of the questions is based on history and is about Christopher Columbus and in this question, you are the queen of Spain and it asks if you should fund him. Logically it would not be a good decision to go with this suggestion of this man who wants to sail to Asia, especially since at that time people thought the world was flat and it was a crazy notion. The correct decision according to the quiz was to turn him down. However the reality of history was that the Queen did say yes and well we all know what happened from there. America was discovered, yada yada yada...

I think his whole book loses credibility because he himself says sometimes the wrong decisions, lead to the right results. So then working on my decision making skills is not really going to help me?

Who knew what the hell the Queen of Spain was thinking and what made her decide to think this whole Columbus voyage could work out.

Since I haven't read the rest of the book, I skimmed through the remaining and it doesn't look like he's going to explain this issue of why sometimes illogical decisions can be good decisions.

I think his book loses all its value because he's just contradicted himself. You can't say successful people make successful decisions because in the above case, success occurred with a bad decision. There are countless other examples in history where people are trying to discover one thing and accidentally discover something else. So making the 'right' decisions, which really are logical decisions, do not necessarily lead to success.

I got this book from the library so I don't actually own it. Which I think was a good decision.

This is Me. Take it or Leave it!

Greetings all,

This entry I will be discussing my romantic life, or really the lack of it. Anyways, I had mentioned back in September how I had decided to stop all communication with the guy I was into who was living in england.

I finished rereading that entry and I did not mention why he was ignoring me. I am pretty sure he was upset at one of my facebook status'. I wrote for an update 'my inner thighs are really sore'.

Okay now my thighs were sore because the night before I was working out with a new kundalini yoga dvd and it was quite challenging and it really worked my inner thighs. They literally were really sore! Being that I have a dirty mind and a twisted sense of humour, I came up with this status in the morning. I didn't think much of it and thought it was funny. I came up with another status the next day saying I drink expired milk. Which was true since I don't use milk often and usually I will keep it for a few days past the expiry date since its still good for the most part and I don't believe in wasting food and the milk that day I was drinking was expired. He commented on this status and not the inner thigh one, which means he most likely read the inner thigh status.

I think it was around this time that he actually starting to ignore me. Eventually I started to think that maybe he took my status the wrong way and assumed my inner thighs were sore from having sex - which was far from the truth since at that time, I didn't have sex in such a long time that I don't even want to mention it! And the truth is that the less sex I have, the more dirtier my updates get! I wasn't sure what to do so then I decided to write the same type of status but to add that my thighs were sore from exercise. I did that and still did not hear from him.

And then back in September I decided that if he's going to ignore me, I just won't deal with him and so I removed him as my youtube friend, facebook friend and I deleted my skype account and all the emails we exchanged that I had kept in a separate folder.

I was hoping maybe things would have worked out between us because I think there may have been something worth pursuing. I have been pining for him on and off but I had some personal issues to sort through and I just decided to focus on my own happiness and peace of mind because dealing with a long distance situation is just too frustrating for me.

I had a wave where I wasn't really thinking much about him but then in March I had been thinking about him again. I made a list of his pros and cons and I thought he had more pros then cons. I started to write an email, I didn't plan to send it to him but just to write my feelings and wanting to clarify that I'm assuming my status about my inner thighs were sore was why he ignored me.

I felt in the email like I was chasing after him and I just saved the email. I deleted it the next day and wrote as my facebook status that 'I bow to no cock, dick or testicle. Feminine power forever!'

I'm not going to chase after a man. I want a mature man who can understand who I am. I am not going to compromise my sense of humour for anyone. I am who I am. I have a dirty mind and if you don't like it, too bad. If you don't like me, get lost because I'm not interested! I'm only going to change because it comes from within me, because I want to, not because some man is overly sensitive. I will not change for anyone and will be true to myself always and put myself first!

I want to be fully accepted for who I am and I'm sure in time I will find the right man who will appreciate me for the wonderful person that I am!

When I had my first boyfriend at 19, at some point he kept saying that the relationship wasn't working out because of me, I had trust issues and didn't listen to him, etc. None of this was true and I was and am a good person to get along with. He was a mind fucker and I vowed to never be in that type of mentally abusive situation ever. And that was really the only time I experienced that. I have dated some guys. Most were decent, although they weren't right for me.

This situation with Daniel was a bit similar because I think being British, maybe he was too uptight and I am not willing to be with someone who I feel I have to walk on eggshells. If he's so insecure with himself and can't take a joke then I don't want him! We've known each other long enough, he should know by now my sense of humour.

I want to be free to be who I am. Weird, funny, brilliant, horny and compassionate!

I deserve better and expect to be accepted for who I am.

This Ain't Art Asshole!

Greetings all,

I had went to the Art Gallery of Ontario (AGO) last Sunday as I had went to see the King Tut exhibit. I went with a friend and we had a chance to see other exhibits. I saw this one piece of 'art' and I was just irritated. We were on the modern artists floor and generally I hate that sort of stuff because what many of these modern 'artists' create is not real art. It's shit. Bullshit. I'm no art connoisseur but I can appreciate art and I know good art when I see it! This was not good art.

This is the piece that really pissed me off:



Here is the description of what the artist intended to do with this creation:



Okay, now I agree with the concept. I totally get it. The sink fascinates you and you want to express that artistically. I get that, I really do. What a great concept!

The 'art' he created is not true art. Art by definition involves being creative. Being creative usually involves imagination and imagination involves taking something that exists and transforming it into something different.

All this lazy asshole did was get some giant board, crazy glued a sink to it and spray painted some black around it. That is not being creative. That's just what we call another day at Home Depot!

If he had say destroyed a sink and then made a mosaic out of the broken pieces, then yeah I'd say, that's some interesting shit. But you can't take an object and glue it on something and claim it's art. It's not!

No transformation had taken place with this piece.

Back to the drawing board Jim!

Don't Touch Me

Greetings all,

I went out on St Patrick's day with some of my coworkers. Most of them are mid 20s. We used to go eat lunch together but they don't really eat with us anymore and only a couple of us have lunch together. These people would actually want to work through their lunch, since they are so busy. This makes no sense to me, because legally we are entitled to breaks and we don't get paid for lunch. I like these coworkers but it's quite naive to work all the time. I think it actually de-enhances your productivity and performance.

Anyways, one of my coworkers who I tend to regularly eat with is 38 and I think he probably has a thing for me. We sometimes meet up with other coworkers from a different floor, but for the most part we just eat by ourselves and sometimes one of the coworkers joins us. At my last job, I would eat lunch on my own in the kitchen but I would go out for breaks with my coworkers. At least where I work, we don't have an actually place to sit and eat so we go either outside or at the food court.

So there are 7 of us who went out and I had to leave and do some research (which I never got around to). The problem with going out with young people is that they are so indecisive and take forever to get going, especially girls.

I had to eat something as well and that took time to prepare. We were supposed to leave at 5 and didn't leave until around 5.15 and then we didn't find a place until 6 since we checked out a few places and waited in line for one place which we actually never went in (they had a long line and there was a cover charge)

I wanted to leave for 7 but I didn't get to leave until just a bit past 8 and as I was leaving, the coworker who I think probably has a thing for me (who is sitting next to me) and the dialogue went as follows:

Me: I'm leaving now
Him: (annoying voice) why? (poke)
Me: I have work to do
Him: (annoying voice) why? (poke)
Me: Because I have to
Him: (annoying voice) why? (poke)

This exchange broke the comedy rule of 3 as I think he did this to me 4 or 5 times, thus being extremely annoying. The whole dialogue aggravated me and I didn't want to be around him the next day and I didn't have lunch with him as I decided to eat outside whereas he and another coworker went to the food court.

I was cool with knowing that he probably had a thing for me, which I am not willing to reciprocate but he took it to the next level - the level of flirting. The poking took me to another level of aggravation because I don't like people touching me and his poking was a physical gesture of interest. Since I didn't like him like that, it pissed me off. I don't like hugging people and I only do it if they are the hugging type because that's how they like to show affection for people. I only like to hug my mother and boyfriends.

Aim Realistically

Greetings all,

I went out for St Patrick's last Saturday. I went out playing pool with a meetup group. The organizer runs a few groups but I was signed up under her travel group. Her other group, which I found out when I arrived, was a group for singles. I knew one guy there from a boardgames meetup and he is probably around my age group. The rest of these people were all over 40. I have no problem socializing with people over 40 but sometimes I'd rather be around people my own age or at least with a mix of people. We were the only young people there so it felt weird.

Anyways, this older man was hitting on me and I really didn't know how to tell him I'm not interested. So he kept bugging me, wanting to dance or to play pool. At some point I did tell him I was not interested. I just don't want to hurt their feelings but I decided that night that if I'm not interested in someone, I will just tell them as soon as possible. I'm sure men are used to this rejection, especially the ugly kind. Why should I feel bad? Why should I date a man two or three times when I know instantly I'm not attracted to him? The problem is you want to give a man a chance, which is what I normally do. One or two dates and usually that's a good enough time frame.

As well, this man was in his 40s and I was clearly out of his league. I was way too hot. One of the men playing pool said to aim high (not sure what he was referencing), however I think men should learn to aim realistically.

This isn't the first time I have unattractive guys try to date me. I recently went on a couple of dates with one guy who befriended me on facebook (friend of a friend). Definitely not pleasing to the eye. Bad teeth, bad hair. I thought I'd give him a chance. You never know, he might have an amazing personality!

But realistically I want a man who I find attractive physically. I just don't think I should give ugly guys a chance anymore. Maybe I need to aim more realistically and not just them. I deserve a man that's as hot as I am!

I just don't understand why these men honestly think they have a chance? I know of one theory where they ask any girl and one is bound to say yes so it's just a numbers game but I think that's equivalent to spamming. So these men are women spammers.

I would think they would be more successful if they targeted specific women, namely the ugly kind.

I prefer having good looking men hit on me rather then the ugly kind. It doesn't boost my ego so you're not doing me a favour.

Assholes are Everywhere!

Greetings all,

I went out last night and had chatted up with someone and we briefly mentioned the topic of people. Being that I've lived in Hamilton most of my life, Burlington for 2 years, Toronto for almost 1 year and a 4 month stint in Yellowknife, he asked me if I noticed a difference between Hamilton/Burlington people and Toronto people.

I'd have to say yes to some degree because I am meeting more creative people here and I find people are more articulate in the city (based on my observations of listening to people talk on the street car).

But I think people are the same everywhere in the world. There are nice people and then there are assholes. I don't care how small a smalltown is, I'm sure there's at least 2-3 people who are assholes and that nobody likes!

I've met some interesting people in Hamilton and Burlington but I've met some crazies and ignorant types. I've worked in a lot of factories in my 20s so I definitely met a lot of these 'redneck' types. They might be ignorant but I think they are harmless and decent for the most part.

I think since the city has a larger population, it probably just seems that there are more assholes but I think there is probably some asshole ratio. Like for every 12 people, there is one asshole. I'm not sure how one can calculate this as assholes tend to stick together.

I remember when I was in Barcelona, there were 3 backpackers from either England or Scotland and they were assholes. They were staying in my room (I was in a co-ed dorm room) and I didn't like their vibe. So maybe my guess should be based on asshole clusters. How many asshole clusters exist in a group of people?

There maybe were a hundred people at the hostel I was staying at so the ratio of assholes would be 3:100 or 3%. That sounds about right doesn't it??!!

So if we look at the present population of approximately 6 billion, 3% of that is 180 000 000 (180 million). So that is how many assholes everyone on this planet is dealing with. It seems to correspond closely to the book by Martha Stout "The Sociopath Next Door" which says 1 in 25 Americans are sociopaths (4% of their population).

I would think though maybe my guess is low since every sociopath must be an asshole but not all assholes are sociopaths. The book mentions in Japan, the sociopath rate is under 2% and it is probably because their society is more socialistic and so sociopathic behaviour is deemed more inappropriate.

An Unaccomplished Genius

Greetings all,

Some of you may not already know or maybe you know and have just forgotten, however, I am I believe a genius. I took the Mensa home prep test last year. Mensa is a society for people with high IQs. To be a true Mensan, you need to have an IQ in the top 2%. To be in the society, they drop it to 4%. I didn't pass and I was crushed but I asked them how close (or how far) was I from passing. I was 1% away, which means my IQ is in the top 5%.

Now this verified what I always felt about myself, that I was a genius. I wanted to take an official IQ test to get my IQ number but I never got around to it. I thought about if I would want to post it on a resume but I didn't think it was appropriate. I googled this topic and one recruiter said it would not be wise since you want to highlight your accomplishments.

When I read that, I was quite offended. I mean, being a genius is an accomplishment in itself! I would think I could handle and figure out many things because of my high intelligence. To just gloss over that being a genius is not an accomplishment is quite foolish!

Anyways, I don't really think I've accomplished much in my life but then maybe I have but don't consider them accomplishments because they are so natural to me, it doesn't seem like much. I'm a good worker and am good at organizing things, catching mistakes, thinking ahead. All of these things though, I just assume everyone can do because I would consider those things all logical things to do.

There's probably more things I do that I'm probably not aware of that makes me accomplished, but because I am more reserved about what I can do, I usually don't think much of it.

Alot of disarray in the world, I could argue is due to stupidity and thoughtlessness and being that I am a genius and insightful, I surely could figure out anything I wanted to if given a chance.

I am beginning a new phase in my life so I would like to have more accomplishments and this shall be my focus for the decade - to be an Accomplished Genius.

I've Finally Found My Knight in Shining Armour!

What's Wrong with Vanilla?

Greetings all,

I was on a second date last week with some guy. Now I've been trying to be a good girl and so am keeping my sexual side out of the picture but at some point in the night, the conversation turned to my date's previous marriage about 10 years ago. He thought his wife was too 'vanilla' and wanted to do more fun stuff. For some reason, that statement irked me. What is wrong with 'vanilla' sex? I frankly think vanilla sex is good enough. Why do we feel that we always need to be sexually adventerous all the time? Why is this pressure put on women to perform and be open to all these grand sexual things?

Bah humbug I say!

I think if a woman is not too into sex, maybe it's because the man isn't doing a good job at turning her on and then seems to think it's her fault and think she's unadventerous.

Let me tell you, if you are good at pleasing a woman and finding the right buttons, you can get her going so that she never wants to stop! And doing that doesn't involve having kinky sex toys or doing really uncomfortable/ackward positions!

Her joy, is largely fueled by good oral and your own enthusiasm for sex and her body. Of course, for some women, they have issues around sex but that is a different subject. I am referencing women who are healthy emotionally and comfortable with their sexuality.

The flip side of it is that, being that I'm 31 I'm no spring sex chicken, I've done my own experimenting and now that I'm older, I'm not so inclined to do new things. My attitude is: been there, done that, let's move forward.

I used to want to have a 3-some (with 2 guys) but ever since I turned 30, I just feel I'm too old for that so I'm not really into that idea anymore.

I think I've done enough experimenting and I think I've tried it all. Well, there is still one more fantasy I have that I haven't done and that is having sex in a confessional booth. When I was a kid, I was always forced to go to church and I thought it would be cool to have sex in a confessional booth since it's the place where you confess your sins and there is a curtain that helps to create some privacy in that room. We'll see who gets to be the lucky man for that one!

The Pristine One

Greetings all,

I went out for karaoke with one of my meetup groups and I was the only female for some reason, which normally does not happen. Four of the guys were already married and divorced and the other 2 I think were not.

So some of them did not have healthy relationships and then it reminded me how I'm still 'pristine' in a sense since I've never been married and don't have children. I don't carry around that kind of baggage so in a sense I'm 'pristine' and in some way more valuable.

Sometimes it feels like, where are the pristine men out there? There's gotta be some normal and healthy ones that have never been married without all that emotional baggage.

I know I really wouldn't want to get involved with a man that has kids already and then I'd have to deal with an ex wife. Some women are crazy and don't train their kids properly. And then where would I fit in? I want to be the ruler of my house and if I live with someone else's kids, they play by my rules and not some other women's! I don't want to feel like i have to 'please her'. I don't bow to the pussy!

I was telling a couple of my male coworkers that if I were to be living and married with a man, my happiness has to be #1 and I get the final say in things. With my last roommate, I felt like I had to bend too much with her and she wasn't really compromising with me about things. I could only take so much of that BS before I snapped and so if I were to live with a man, I don't want someone whom I'm always letting him have things his way. I think though, I can make solutions that both parties are happy with so that is probably more what I am interested in. I am fussy about certain things but that's probably because I'm a female and I guess we can get away with being fussy about certain things. I certainly do not want to live with someone who is selfish like my ex roommate because it's selfish people who don't care about your feelings and create problems.

In a way, I could relate to them because I used to live with a bitch and I could relate to their frustration with women, especially since my crazy ex roommate was female. It always surprises me to hear horror stories about some women because I can't imagine being like that. Yes I have said mean things or lashed out in frustration to people but I try and learn from my mistakes and I genuinely want to be a good person. But some people are just rotten and don't seem to have any self awareness or awareness of how it affects people negatively. You can't be mean to people and think they will like you and do what you ask them to! Relationships are 2-way streets, not one way! You scratch my back, I scratch yours. You can't expect that your back gets the scratching all the time! But it still amazes me that people don't get that concept. I like my ego stroked but I know that's something everyone wants. We all want to feel special and important so I have to 'bow' to other people's egos if I want them to bow to mine.

Anyways, some of these men were saying what were some of their issues in the relationships but we women are not all that dysfunctional. As well, if a relationship dissolves, you have to ask yourself what role did you play in it? Were you not expressing your needs and being assertive? Are you not setting appropriate boundaries?

Some men just bend too much and give too much. You should want to be with a woman that can take care of herself. You can't give and not have her reciprocate. That's too one sided. I think you have to find the lesson with these people. I can say at least with my ex roommate, she was selfish and if you spot someone who is selfish, avoid them as best you can. I probably should have ended things with her sooner. It's hard to assert yourself when dealing with selfish people because they just don't listen but you've got to figure out what works according to the situation. They have to follow rules you set otherwise cut 'em loose!

Shower: Part 2

Greetings all,

I neglected to mention another thought I had while at the shower on Sunday.

One of the games they had us do was guess when the couple will have their first child and what names should they give them. I chose not to play that but in my head I was thinking (is this the comic in me or the intuitive mind reader?) she'll miscarry her first.

(yes that is a cruel thought but you know there are people out there who do miscarry and it can happen!)

I guess maybe it was good that I didn't play that game!

Shower

Greetings all,

I went to a shower for a second cousin's future wife. I don't know her, so really I didn't care to go to this. But being that I am Italian, these people run these things in a traditional manner and it's pretty much all I've been accustomed to. I think I've only been once to a non-Italian wedding and I believe they had a stag and doe, so I don't know how women normally run a shower.

This event was just too much and too long. We got to eat at a nice hall. The food was good for the most part but they draw it out and a 3 course meal got spread out in about 2 and a half hours. Normally they organize these really lame bridal games where they hand out prizes but they didn't really have too many going and there was quite a lull in between the meals.

I got to win a prize, which was a giant candle. I hate candles and offered it to people at my table. No one liked the smell of it so I thought I'd donate it to good will but then I thought, what if I just 'forget' it there? Which is what I did.

As well, it's traditional to give 'bomboniera' which translates in Italian to a wedding gift. The gift was a cup and saucer. I recently did some spring cleaning in my apartment so I got rid of stuff I don't use. I actually got rid of a tea cup set I got at my second cousin's wedding and it was still wrapped up. I have no use for because I don't drink espresso or anything like that at my place. So I had to not accept the gift in the beginning they were giving out.

I feel guilty because these events are so extravagent and all I do is complain about it. But really, I would never organize a shower like this. The structure is horrible and frankly I think these italian women in my family need to get creative and stop following tradition. We have so much in this culture. Why are we giving gifts to people that don't need it and it just creates clutter in their life. Why do we get subjected to these lame games and win these useless, tacky prizes? I'm just saying No to these poor, unconscious celebrations people organize. It's so meaningless. I'd rather eat a quick meal and then socialize with the people instead of being chained to a 3 hour meal.(a la Gilligan's Island) A 3 hour meal.

I go to these things because I want to connect with people and that only seems to happen with the people you are sitting with. And I'm not inclined to go table to table to meet people I don't know.

Anyways, I'm just glad there probably won't be any family weddings for a while.

The thing I am a bit suspicious of is that the relative that is getting married is the youngest of 3 brothers. His middle brother was the first to get married. He married his high school sweetheart and they ended up getting divorced because she went to school and fell in love with one of her classmates. The sad thing was he got married at 24, which is way too young to get married nowadays and his brother who is getting married in May will be 26 and is marrying his highschool sweetheart as well.

I know with the last marriage, I think the girl just wanted to organize a wedding - so many girls fall in love with this fantasy of marriage and don't actually realize what it really means. It's about building a future with someone. I am now wondering the same thing with this wedding. I am always skeptical of people that get married and they are that young and don't have much life experience. They don't really know what they want out of life. They just think they do. Then they get a bit more life experience under their belt and then realize they weren't the person who they thought they were.

Well, I don't know how things will work out so I'm not too concerned. I just think it would be ironic if the same thing happened again.

I think I'm a bit bitter as well since they already have a house and are getting married and are 5 years younger then me. But then I can always rationalize how much more of an exciting life I've lived, but then I can rationalize to myself how that I've been alone for that 'excitement'. Anyways, it's a bit of a drag to go to these things, I guess because I'm insecure about this part of my life.

The Road to Enlightenment

Greetings all,

One of the concepts that has always stuck on my mind was in How to Know Higher Worlds by Rudolf Steiner, was his imagery if we are on a spiritual path, we will hit a fork in the road and we will have to choose between the black path, which is egoism, and the white path, which is the good path and path of creativity and love. I have mentioned before that the root of all evil boils down to egoism or selfishness and in Steiner's lecture book called Evil, he mentions this concept. Frequently people will say money is the root of all evil but it isn't. Saying that hides the truth that it's egoism and selfishness. People can be responsible with their power but there must be proper structures to keep people's egos in check and to keep people accountable. It can happen to us all because part of being human means having an ego. No one is exempt from this.

One of the things as well that I have read about is the Buddhist concept of a Bodhisattva, where a Bodhisattva chooses to attain enlightenment for helping all humans liberate. There are many variations on this concept. For example in Mahayana Buddhism, some groups believe that a Bodhisattva can achieve this through several paths and they are: (this is from wiki. buddhahood means one who has attained full enlightenment)

1. King-like Bodhisattva - one who aspires to become buddha as soon as possible and then help sentient beings in full fledge;
2. Boatman-like Bodhisattva - one who aspires to achieve buddhahood along with other sentient beings and
3. Shepherd-like Bodhisattva - one who aspires to delay buddhahood until all other sentient beings achieve buddhahood.

This Bodhisattva concept relates to Steiner's concept of the choosing the black or white path. In essence, choosing the black path means you are still driven by ego and thus are not ready for enlightenment. The key concept Steiner points out is that due to the way the ego is made up and its nature, if it is allowed to be in charge, then that will lead to its own destruction. So basically when people act egotistically, they are creating karma that will lead to their own fall and will hurt them in the long run.

Being that humans have a dual nature, we need to use our ego for positive things as Steiner has mentioned that ascending in the spiritual world requires ego but at the same time you must forget and 'lose' your ego.

I have been going to a yoga ashram in Toronto as they hold a few monthly meditations. I went to a few and I have been to a full moon meditation a couple of times. I think when I went for a second time, there was a different person running it and I think he was the 'sub' for it, I am not sure.

I'm not sure how hard core yogi he was but usually people will chant in a group and direct it to help their loved ones or for the world in general. I thought he was a bit flaky but it was my first time being around him and sometimes I just don't like people right away because I only see a piece of their personality so it might take a bit to get an overall better sense of their personality.

We wanted to send some positive, healing energy for the earth and he mentioned that because he was a vegetarian and relied on public transportation, he wasn't really contributing to the problem. The way I saw that statement was that he wasn't concerned about this issue and only seemed concerned that since he's not really 'the problem'. I mean, it doesn't matter if you are vegetarian or not. It's great that an individual makes choices that are positive but in the long run, it is short sighted because the environment issue is much more bigger then that and just because you may not be directly involved in this problem, doesn't mean in some indirect way you may not be. In other words, his statement I felt was not enlightened nor compassionate.

It's a political issue. It's an economic issue. We all have to do our part and some of us may make bigger contributions like tackling big business. Some of us may only look at our own consumerism and reduce what garbage we produce. There's just so many things to be done and it will take time but to have some airy fairy idea that well because I don't have a car and eat vegetables, I'm not part of the problem is quite ignorant.

So obviously this relates to what I was mentioning earlier because if we are on a spiritual path then really we need to acknowledge that we are always choosing what path we are on. You are either choosing things that hurt you in the long run or choose things that are good for you in the long run. I just don't think this meditation leader was enlightened enough and needs to revise his mental concepts.

Cleaning

Greetings all,

I used to be really diligent in cleaning my room when I was a child. I would clean it every week and on occasion, I would move my furniture around. I really enjoyed pushing my furniture and how different my room felt when I moved things around.

My mother didn't tell me to clean every week. Or maybe she did. Once. But it was something I think I did out of my own free will.

And then when I became a teenager, it was harder to clean my room and I just didn't care anymore. I was struggling to find my place in the world and figuring out who I was.

Obviously, as you get older you accumulate more stuff and I think by the time I moved out when I was 28, I think my space felt cleaner since it was spread out more. My bedroom now just had my bed, instead of my bookshelf and desk.

But believe me, my place still gets messy. I find though, my desk area tends to get the messiest as well as my dresser. I am so lazy, I don't even bother putting my clothes back in the closet. I put away most of my clothes that were on my dresser today. My dresser is about 1 foot away from my closet. My bedroom is really small and is half the size of my old apartment so when I open my closet door, if I try to open it all the way, I would hit my dresser.

I make it a point to clean my apartment once a month and I think the last time I cleaned it was 2 or 3 weeks ago.

I really need a husband because I think maybe I'd keep my bedroom area neater. At least when I had a roommate, I'd keep the common areas fairly tidy but usually I kept my bedroom a mess and never really bothered cleaning it too often

Damn you cruel world!

Greetings all,

Today is Family Day, which is a holiday for us in Ontario so I am organizing my apartment and cleaning up. I had my show at Yuk's and it was a full crowd, so probably around 200 people. They were running a competition to win $25000. As much as I would like to win that money, I was more interested in getting hired on since it would be a good stepping stone. I know in the long run, to be successful, you will have to break out from a circuit and do your own thing but certainly starting with that company is a good place.

Anyways, 2 comics got to advance to the next round and sadly I didn't get to advance. I was the only female (the host was female) and there were about 9 of us all together. I think I was the best one out of them and I should have gotten a spot, so I was quite mad this morning. I was wondering if I was being discriminated because I was a female and maybe they didn't want to pick me because it would look like they were picking me because I was female. But clearly I had talent as I wanted to tell my last joke but didn't have time and so some of the audience members were sighing since they obviously wanted to hear more.

I think maybe because of that, maybe the judges thought I didn't end well as you should always end on a winning joke. Anyways, I've recovered from my bitter loss and I will have to keep plugging away and figuring out myself because I have too much talent and it isn't right if I slave away at a meaningless job. Sometimes I feel like I'm alone in this but that's not necessarily a bad thing because I think I do have the strength to persevere and succeed.