The Dogma of the People

Greetings all,

I've heard many negative attitudes towards Catholic schools and churchs. I went to a Catholic school, elementary and high school. Some people seem to think we are brainwashed. In my education, we were not brainwashed. We were taught subjects like everyone else. We were taught math, physics, chemistry, biology, history, etc as they taught in regular schools. God was not mentioned at all.

The only difference between a Catholic school (in my day) was that we had to wear a uniform and we had to take religion class. This is where we learned about our religion. In grade 11, we had learned about the major religions of the world. I don't know if in the public system they learn anything about other religions. Maybe they don't get exposed to religion education until they get to university.

The other thing was sex education. I think we had our first sex ed class in grade 6. It wasn't until high school where they advocated no sex until marriage. We all know this was poppycock because the teenagers probably experimented by the time they brought this up.

I went to church a lot as a child because my mother is a regular church goer. I don't think I mind going until I hit 14 and then I started questioning religion. I remember in grade 8, everyone was getting confirmed and it was about consciously choosing to be Catholic. I was skeptical about doing it but only did it because everyone else did. I think 2 people in my class didn't because they weren't Catholic so I don't think it would have been a big deal to not do it.

We didn't have pedophiles for priests in my church. As far as I know. My mom is involved in church life, such as giving out communion so I'm sure if stuff like that was going on, she may have told us.

So many people think it's unfair that Catholics get their own school. Obviously when it first got started, it was a reflection of the people - the population was mainly Catholic. Now times have changed and more people are either agnostic, atheist or humanist.

I personally support Waldorf education so for me, I would rather see Waldorf become mainstream.

I've had my own beef with the Catholic church but I don't think religion will go away. People will always desire religious community in some form. I just would like people to be more open minded towards religious schools and not assume we who have gone through it are brainwashed and poorly educated.

The other thing that bothers me is that people think if you have a religion, you obviously believe in all its theories. The truth is that many people do not agree with 100% of what a Church stands for. It's like a company. Chances are you belong to a corporate environment but you do not 100% believe everything they do and believe. But you still belong to it.

The Church has to have a tenant of beliefs to stand upon. They have to have values that all churches of the same belief 'agree to'. Does this mean all Catholic people believe in it? No. How about we talk to people as individuals instead of lumping them all and assuming they all share the same beliefs.

Religious freedom means letting people have the freedom to decide whether they want to associate with a religion or not.

Missing the Car

Greetings all,

It's been my first week without a car and I hate it already. I have to take 2 streetcars now to get to my Sat Nam Rasayan class on Sundays. I stopped by Kensignton Market and bought something for my dad for the upcoming Father's Day after my class. Usually I feel spacey and don't want to be around people so the ride home was awful for me because there was so many people and I feel more vulnerable to the energy around me so it just grosses me out. In my car, I just get a little flustered from all the traffic, but at least I have some feeling of privacy.

I had a job interview today and it was all the way up on Sheppard and Dufferin. It probably would have taken me about 40 minutes by car to get there but I have to take the bus and then a subway stop and then back on the bus. It took about an hour. I went home a slightly different way and took the subway all the way to Bloor and took the bus home but waiting for the bus took over 10 minutes and then 2 of them come along.

My patience is short to begin with and I am missing the convenience of a car. I have to get a job first before I can even consider a car. As well I want a condo and that costs money too. It just seems like every time I try to move forward in life, I just get pushed back. I'm tired of fighting and struggling. I've been out of work for almost a year now and this is looking bad on my resume. I've been job searching since September. I am poor! We talk about poverty in other countries. Fuck that, it's happening here!

Goodbye Car!

Greetings all,

I put my car down on Thursday. It was a sad moment for me but I knew it was coming. I took my car last week to another mechanic as I got a groupon for an oil change and inspection. I wasn't able to use it, because they wouldn't work on my car due to spring issues. I decided to go this week to my regular mechanic for their opinion and they said driving my car would be dangerous. I've also had some problems with some fluid leaking. Can't remember which but he said that fixing these things would be too expensive.

I'll miss my car. I've had it for 12 years. I've had sex in the backseat. I'll miss blasting music around and my freedom.

I am thinking of getting one of those 3 wheel scooters by Piaggio called MP3. I don't know how I will do without my own car. I mean, living in Toronto, I have fairly decent transportation but I have an independent spirit and like doing things on my own. Maybe the scooter is just what I need so I don't feel stifled. I have read people can use them all year round. They are safer too because of the 3rd wheel. They cost a lot, but not as much as a car. And they save on gas too. Parking it around the city would be free.

Greetings all,

I had this really amazing dream Sunday night, which I think was related to my Sat Nam Rasayan class. We only had 3 people show up and so I had 2 people working on me and then we switched. I wonder if having 2 people work on me created this type of shift internally.

My dream was about 2 men and I am not sure if they were the same man. They were my love interests but with the second man, he radiated such love and it felt amazing. It was nice to feel such love emanate from someone towards me, even if it was just a dream.

Success

Greetings all,

I've been pondering this concept of Success lately. For me, I have been wanting to achieve material success for quite a while but never really felt like I have. I have friends who've gotten their degrees and gotten good jobs and have homes. I think in some way they are lucky. For me, I don't see myself going to school. Maybe when I am older. I have considered going to school but just don't feel drawn to it. I have the intelligence to go through it but if I don't feel drawn to something, it's hard for me to muster the motivation to do it. I have to believe in it I guess.

I have one friend who has worked at the same company for 10 years. I think she is lucky and think this 'success' was little of her doing. I on the other hand have worked at over 50 different companies (I was a temp for 3 years) and have been laid off 3 times in my 10 year work life. The difference is that I don't have a science degree but I do know of some people who have these kinds of degrees and still struggle. A degree doesn't guarantee you anything, although it does help some people out. I'm not against education but the truth is some schools are just in it for money and are a business.

From an Anthroposophical point of view, I see this more as an issue of karma. I am not sure I can 100% believe this but it seems to me to be the best way I can make sense of it.

People have good things happen to them and they do not earn it. I see it as a gift from the universe. Two people can do the same actions but yet one can end up with more success then the other. Why is that?

I don't want my belief in karma to seem as some fate thing because I do believe we have some choice in life. We may have difficult karma to work through but I know there are tools out there like yoga and mantra that can help us attract and work through what we want. I just think it's foolish for some people to deny that they have been blessed in their life and the blessings they have received are probably not their doing.

I don't believe in using the term god, I use the word universe. It does seem like the universe favours some more then others.

Greetings all,

I had an interview for a job about 2 weeks ago. Didn't get it. I had an interview this afternoon and another next week. I've applied to 500 positions and probably have had about 6 or 7 interviews already. It's really bad out there and some days it's tough to handle. I am trying to stay positive. I really feel lost and I am not wanting to go to school. My comedy takes a backseat and this is unfortunate. I don't have any ambition to be creative when I am stressing financially. Some people can handle it but not me. I like some financial stability and that was probably why I felt more comfortable doing comedy when I had a day job.

My first week of doing the Census work was good but now I am no longer gong-ho about it and it feels like a drag. I have 5 assignments and basically that's all I'll get to work on and hopefully I can finish it in the next 2 weeks. Once we close our district we can help others. I'm hoping by that time I can get a full time job because I am not sure how long this job will go for.

I seem to get hit on by men. Like some are flirting with me and I can't tell if they are just flirting for fun or if they want more. Obviously, I try to be professional. One guy said he liked my energy and my eyes and hair and said I can visit him again in the future. He tried to make me laugh. Now I wasn't sure if he just wanted to make me laugh because I tend to be serious or if he really was interested in me.

One guy last week, I visited him while he was on the phone. I told him I could come back later as I was in an apartment building and had other people to see. I came back and he was quite rude and didn't want to do the census but halfway he said he had to do something and came back and was all friendly with me. We ended up talking about the rapture and talking about religion. It was weird the change. Not sure if he thought I was someone doing random surveys and maybe he realized I was with the government. Odd.

Chiropractic

Greetings all,

I recently started to go to a chiropractor. When I went to the Kundalini yoga winter solstice retreat, during the meditations I became aware that I have an imbalance on my right side. A few months later I went to a Yoga conference and they had chiropractors. I went to 2 booths there and they have this area where you stand and they measure how much weight you carry on each side. I was carrying about 12 extra pounds on my right side. This prompted to see if going to a chiropractor would help.

I am on Onespout, which is a site that basically you can subscribe to and get all the info for online coupons. Online coupons like Wag Jag or Groupon have become popular, so this site collects all the deal and makes it available in one email, which is what I like.

So I ended up getting a voucher for a chiropractor visit. The one I went to has 28 years experience and I think I got a good deal as I got an assessment and 2 treatments with this package.

I had x-rays done. I was mainly complaining how I feel certain vertebraes in my neck bother me and how I have this nuisance pain in my right shoulder. He was saying it is related to the issue in the neck as they affect various nerves in the body. He is suggesting I get treatment 3 times a week for 4 weeks and then 2 treatments for 6 weeks and then I'll be on some maintenance plan.

It was interesting seeing the x-rays and I could see how some parts of my vertebrae were a little out of alignment. I will probably want to see x-rays 6 months from now, to see if there is a real physical improvement in my spine.

Greetings all,

I had my enumerator training yesterday and today. I did the Census job 5 years ago but I guess I have to go through the training again. I get paid, so I guess it's not so bad. It was pretty boring for me as I already know how to do the job. There was probably a few minor changes but essentially it's the same process.

I tried to be a crew leader for the Census but I guess I didn't get the job. So technically my boss was my competition and I found out on Facebook that she is 2 years younger then me so that just adds salt to the wound.

She seems overly enthusiastic about the Census, to the point of madness. She really believes being a part of Census will help my neighborhood since it's a ghetto neighborhood and probably underfunded for some things. Census can be used to help planners determine what areas need funding for things like age old homes or schools.

I'm not sure if I should be nice to her. I mean, I am bitter a little that she has a job that really should be mine. She has no experience as an enumerator. I guess because she was a talker and probably so 'passionate' about this job, she won them over, whereas I wasn't so gong ho.

This time around, we're getting paid by the hour instead of by piece work. I think this is probably good since sometimes when you visit people, if they are not there you drop off a Notice card and sometimes people end up calling in their information because of this Notice. Unfortunately I don't get credit for that, even though eventually it will get crossed off my list.

As well, our crew leader said that we can probably do blitzes and work as a team and do this for various apartment buildings. We didn't do this before so this would be a good thing. Our area has a low response rate so they want us to get started on doing the follow ups.

I had planned to take this job, whether I had found a job by now or not. I am only going to be able to put in 20 hours a week since I am on EI still and if I work 40 hours, I might lose my benefits. I will still have to keep searching for a job.

Realistic vs Being Negative

Greetings all,

I have been thinking lately the concept of being realistic and being negative. I think many times people mistake one for the other. Like they may be negative when they think they are being realistic or they are realistic but think they are being negative. How is one supposed to know? What makes something realistic? What is being negative all about?

I think for me, something is realistic if I think I can execute it. But on the other hand, maybe I don't think I can execute something because I am being negative about it?

Who knows really and I think the only way to know is through paying attention to your mind. I thought I had more to say on this topic but at this point, this is all I got!

American Idol

Greetings all,

I had heard on the radio that JLo is now a judge on AI and that Simon and Paula are not on it anymore. I ended up checking on Youtube clips of the show. I am surprised she is on that show. She is like an A list celebrity and doing sitcoms (technically it's not a sitcom) but typically doing a show like this to me is a lower status show. I think JLo is alright. I don't care for her voice but her songs are danceable for the most part and she can dance well so I think she has some talent and respect her enough. I just don't think she has the same skill of singing that she and the other judges are looking for in the contestants. Now I guess she has something of value to say because she knows what it takes and I think she is proof that you don't need a big booming voice to be successful in this industry.

I felt she was overdressed and overdone. She had way too much make-up and always looks so overly dressed. It's American Idol, not the Oscars. I think she should dress a bit more casual.

I was reading now how everyone is gushing about her on Youtube and I remember years ago she was so hated. I remember when she was starting to get famous, she seemed really stern and she seems more relaxed on the show. I heard her in an interview that she learned that people love you one day and hate the next so this is probably what people are doing. I remember the Ben Affleck years and there seemed to be nonsense about that.

She seems like she is settled and happy so maybe people react to a celebrity because they don't like certain things about them. Maybe now because she's married with kids, that might be a factor in her likeability but as well, maybe it has softened her and helped her be less self absorbed? Who knows.

The Media

Greetings all,

I don't have cable and I don't read the newspaper or really follow the news. I really don't pay attention to what is going on in the world. I don't have cable since I don't watch tv and can't justify the cost of a tv subscription. I am at my parents for Easter so this is when I get to watch tv and generally it feels weird to watch since I just don't have the attention sometimes to watch a show. I managed to watch Celebrity Apprentice. I think for me, if I don't feel interested in watching it in the first few minutes, I just can't be bothered. There are so many other options out there. As well, I don't find much shows engaging and tv is such a passive activity that I don't care for it much. I watched a lot of tv when I was a kid but when I hit first year university, I just stopped and watched on occasion. I think tv is limiting and I was more attracted to being engaged in the real world. Although I do think tv can be useful, it mostly is garbage.

Anyways, I am now hearing about Prince William's wedding on tv. And I hear of all other stuff. And all of it, I don't care about. The main reason I really don't like to hear news is because I find it's not necessary information. Most news out there isn't going to affect me and I can't do anything with the info. It's a waste for me so I end up not listening to anything, which I think can potentially have a downside. But I end up hearing about shit anyways. I heard about the Japan earthquake (how can you not). Important news usually gets shared by people. I think I consciously chose to not put info in my head that I don't need, because I want to keep my mind clear. I have read that always reading about the news is depressing and they have done studies on this. I think that's the main reason. I need to feel good about my life and I think always reading depressing stories is disempowering. Sometimes knowledge is not power. It's just depressing because we can't do much about it. I suppose we could with stories that really touch us but I think with the majority of info out there, we probably are not going to do anything with this information. If I can't act upon info, then it's useless to me. I really feel that most of what happens, we don't need to know. I already know there are murders and wars going on or how people screw each other over. I don't need to know this and it doesn't help me in any way really.

So I was watching Celebrity Apprentice, which happened to be 2 hours. So here I am thinking I have a short attention span but apparently I can sit down for 2 hours and watch something, if I find it interesting. Trump asked the remaining contestants if they would vote for him if he were running for President and they all said yes and he said he'd fire them if they didn't. I honestly think I would have said to him that I would consider him as an option but would base my decision on who else is running and what their platform is. As well, just because he has business skills, doesn't mean he has the skills to run a nation, which require a different skill set, although having business skills is one of them. Being a President requires other skills. I would tell him that maybe running for an entry level position would be better to see if he likes the field as being President is a 4 year commitment. If you don't like a business, you can quit at any time but not as President.

I was also surprised how some of the women on the women's team were catty with each other. This was a show that the winners get money for their charity. They were a bit mean about it and I didn't agree with that. It's for charity! I find though it always seems that the men can learn to deal with their differences but women just get so catty and emotional and I have seen a few of the Apprentices where the women end up behaving this way. I just don't get it. It makes me wonder too because obviously men have a capacity to get along but yet they are more prone to violence and usually start wars. So that is what I don't get! Surely if men can handle their differences in small groups, they can be less violent in the world. Doesn't make sense.

Love Triangle Revisited

Greetings all,

I had written back in January and February about a 'love triangle' that was going on in my group. Anyways, it was the guy's birthday on Sunday and he invited some of us out for dinner. I felt like there is just so much attraction that I feel and I was thinking how maybe I have to pursue this to see where it goes so after talking with my friend, I emailed him asking if the offer to cuddle was still open.

He was open to meeting up and we had coffee last night. Some of us planned to attend a BBQ on Good Friday and he emailed me that he planned to kiss me. He said he would try last night but I wouldn't let him. I think it kills the moment if you announce that you plan on kissing someone. Just do it and be spontaneous about it!

Anyways, I felt like he didn't get me and somehow we started talking about personalities and I said mine was up there. He took this to mean I am cocky but I'm just a confident person. I had joked when I went to my yoga retreat back in December that I attained enlightenment and he said that was an example of my cockiness. I said that was a joke. He just doesn't get me.

I told him how I was pissed that he went and danced with the girl and separated from our group. He apparently doesn't remember doing that. How convenient they don't remember doing this. They are both feeling types but it goes to show that even feeling types can be insensitive and unconscious about their actions and hurtful. I said because of that I don't trust him anymore. He told me he asked her out. The good thing is he didn't ask me out because no one likes to be #2 and at least he has some awareness of this.

He made it seem like there was something wrong with me. He feels I'm blocked and sees I am sensitive but I don't think he gets that he's probably sensing something in him and is just projecting onto me. I don't know what he is talking about. I am fine as I am.

The organizer is big into the Myer-Briggs personality and one aspect of a person's personality is that they are a thinker or feeler. I get the vibe that they think they are so much more sensitive then us thinkers because they are feelers and that what they feel is right. A Steiner quote that I remember is that thought is the father of feeling. So to me this means that your thoughts are what gives birth to feelings and that a thought can enlighten us to what we feel. Steiner has talked about how thoughts can reveal deep feelings and are not purely cold.

I thought as well, that as a thinker, I don't always think the 'right thoughts' and I'm sure the same thing applies to feelers. They may not interpret their feelings in the 'right way'. They may feel something but they can misinterpret it. It takes skill and emotional intelligence to interpret a feeling accurately just as it takes skill to think correct thoughts.

The bottom line is he is an ass and I gave him a 2nd chance and he just proved he's not worthy of my time or attention. I just wish I didn't feel this physical attraction to him. I'm not sure if I'll stay with this group for long. Idiots are everywhere and running away isn't a solution.

Greetings all,

My meditation experience was interesting last night. Things seem to keep revolving around the same issues and I am probably just chipping away at it slowly. Last night I felt like I just don't believe in myself. And I think this is the root of my fears and what holds me back.

As I said before, I have been aware that I am looking externally for answers but I know intellectually it's internal. Looking within on an emotional level is different then just understanding it in theory.

I guess I have to self determine and basically I know this. It's just I am working through all this emotionally and this is the challenge. It does boil down to self confidence and this is what I think I am working on.

Madness!

Greetings all,

I had another challenging week. For the past few days I was really feeling down, again I think this was due to my meditation. I had one of my most intense meditation experiences with Sat kriya on Wednesday. I went out during the evening and in the morning had spoken to an employment counsellor. I am 2 points shy of qualifying for Second Career, so It would be difficult for me as according to the labour market, it does not say office administration is a dying field. If it was, I'd have a good chance for my case. So now I am left with what to do with myself. I can still find a job and go to school part time.

Anyways,I had been feeling down and I have been doing my sodarshan for 22 minutes and I did Sat Kriya for 22 minutes and at the 11 minute point, I just had enough of things and felt myself standing up to the bullshit in my life. I was really pushing past some deep seated fears and it was intense. It was weird and emotional at the same time. I felt better the next day but I still feel there is more emotional debris lodged in my head and I just want it out. All out! I just don't know how long it will take, as I have done lots of emotional work on myself. I have made progress.

I find sodarshan hard at times, because I think it is really challenging to my ego and the negativity I hold on to.

I went out Wednesday night and felt really out of it and spacey. I was glad that I cleared out my emotional stuff Wednesday night as I felt better on Thursday.
I don't believe in books like The Secret, because based on my own experience, I find the only way to become more positive is by really feeling the negative feelings and letting them go. A kundalni book mentions this that many techniques just force you to replace one thought with another, but that never gets to the root of the issue. The point is to get to the core belief and really experience the pain behind it.

I feel I am looking for some permanency in life but most of what we experience is only temporary. I know in theory, the only permanent thing is our soul and spirit. Experiencing it is another story. I do feel like my mind is so untrained and that I have over identified myself with my mind. I have experienced this feeling before but I am experiencing it on a deeper level. I do feel like my mind is supposed to serve me, but it has a mind of its own, which is no good for me.

I have felt these past few days that I am looking outside of my self for answers that I know intellectually are inside of me. I feel like I am trying to see what others have done and I think if I do what they did, maybe I can figure out what to do but I have to really accept that I am unique and that my path is unique. Maybe I am afraid of my own light and strength because I don't want to stick out or something. Maybe by being great, I feel that it separates me from people. I am not sure yet how to interpret this. I have a hard time accepting this at times because I want some formula to success that I can copy but it doesn't work like this. I don't know if I'll ever be successful. It's obviously important to me, but success is really something I determine for myself. No one can tell me if I am a success or not. It's up to me to decide.

I feel as well, that I need to be at peace with myself and what happens around me. I think this meditation has brought to my awareness, the thoughts that aren't nice but I have to acknowledge them.

I just want to be free but I see how I am limiting myself and basically imprisoning myself.

Time seems to move so fast. You just want to make it stop. I think on some level, the way time moves, it is scary. I have no control over it and we can't make it stop.

Sodarshan Chakra Kriya

Greetings all,

For the past few weeks I have been working with Sodarshan Chakra Kriya which has been labeled as the highest meditation to do in Kundalini yoga. I tried it last year a few times and noticed nothing. I first tried it for 10 days and then months later for 30 days. I didn't feel very much so I never bothered to finish my 40 day discipline. I am starting it up again and for some reason, it actually seems to be bringing up stuff and has been intense emotionally.

I have been reading some people's experiences with this meditation and other meditations in general and there seems to be a lot of emotional stuff that comes up and gets processed and for some it would cause some depression if they did it too much.

These past 2 weeks have been hard for me, especially since I've been job searching for over 6 months and I am in some sense giving up. You can't put all this effort into something and get no payoff.

This week I have been feeling really heavy and I think it's the meditation. Last night was intense emotionally for me but I still feel some heaviness. I was posting on the forum how doing this can make you feel like you are crazy and sometimes you wonder if you are addicted to the negative emotions. But I think it can be hard to realize there is some light at the end of the tunnel. I know with other meditations I did, it was intense in the beginning and eventually calmness would be experienced and it wasn't always about feeling anger or sadness, etc.

I definitely felt myself resisting something and I just surrendered to it, although with great difficulty and reluctance.

I have to make sure I stay grounded so I do navel sets and might go back to doing nahbi kriya. I was doing various ones and it's important to do navel work so that it keeps you grounded but also helps to maintain the effects of meditation longer. I am cleaning my apartment today so that is good.

Greetings all,

I had a group interview on Friday. I'm tired of job searching and I think if I don't get this job, I'm going to go back to school. Just fed of not finding anything. I have had more interviews and sent out more resumes then back in 2009 and it's just ridiculous. Not sure at this point if I would go to university or college. College might make it easier to get a job and I might potentially qualify for Second Career and get my schooling paid for. My only problem is that I have really nothing that I am drawn to. I would want to go take a program that the graduates are in demand. Too many schools just crank out diplomas to make money, not really paying attention that their students may not find work in their field.

If I go to university, there are many programs I could take. I just know comedy is something I am interested in but I don't see how going to school would be useful so I probably would take something like math or economics. I like psychology or environmental science. I just don't know what to do sometimes. I am not sure where I see myself.

The other option was to just take a crappy job like a waitress and pursue my comedy on the side. I think either way, I will pursue comedy because I think doing that makes me most happiest. I think to be a professional, I have to hustle more and I'm just not at that level and that might take time.

I hate my life sometimes. Damn karma!

Kundalini Teacher

Greetings all,

I had ran into a Kundalini teacher on the street last week. I only took one of her classes. This was a donation class so she was teaching it for free. The class was supposed to be an hour. She was late by about 10 minutes and we ended up only doing a few exercises. There were 4 of us and during one exercise a student challenged her about an exercise. She was saying that she did it another way and the teacher wanted her to do it as she said to do it. I guess the student was being a bit of a brat because it may have been better to speak out about the exercise after class. When you are learning something, usually it is best to just follow the instructions and I didn't see a point in bringing up how you've done it differently.

However, as mentioned, we didn't spend much time doing exercises and I think for about 15-20 minutes, the teacher was lecturing us. She was lecturing about how when she says how to do something, that is how we do it and she lectured on about other things and overall, I felt this class was a waste of time. We could have done a few more exercises and I probably would have felt the class was useful. I basically felt she was being anal and a control freak. She seemed uptight and angry, considering she was a KY teacher. Most teachers that I meet that are yoga teachers, they are fairly laid back and happy. They are not normally angry and so controlling.

I had spoken to someone about her and it looks like she was just this type of person and it just wasn't her having an off day.

So when I ran into her, I got this vibe that was negative. I felt like on some level this 'nazi' vibe. Now I'm not saying she was a nazi but just this vibe of being controlling and angry. She seemed like she had some dark and negative energy in her that was very deeply embedded into her character.

Now for me, I don't understand how someone can be a teacher and not have this work affect them. I would think it helps one to deal with these undesireable qualities like being a control freak and being angry. There was a darkness to her soul and I wonder why.

Is she not serious about working on herself and so just goes through the motions? I wonder how long she has been doing this for and how much she practices.

If you do something good for you, surely it must affect you positively over time. I guess it is possible that kundalini yoga has helped her and maybe without it, she'd be even more angry and controlling.

Greetings all,

Still job searching and generally getting frustrated. I figured I'd have found a job by February. I've applied to more jobs and have had more interviews then when I was job hunting back in 2009 and I have more experience and skills and yet still no job. I really don't know what to make of this and frankly I do not want to go back to school. If I go, I don't want to go because I feel desperate, which is what I am feeling at times. I want to go cause I want to, out of my own free will.

* * *
The family cat Sally apparently has a male suitor after her. A few weeks ago my dad was outside and a cat started to rub himself against him. Apparently my dad had Sally's fur on him so that was what he was attracted to. As well this tom cat tried to come into our house. I am guessing he can sense Sally. This is quite terrible that my cat has more guys after her then me. I'm just in a fictional facebook relationship with a candy dispenser!

I am wondering if I should dump my fictional boyfriend on facebook. My friend sometimes puts him in inappropriate situations like some of his female friends will kiss my Shroom, which makes it look like he is cheating on me. Shroom is supposed to be a good and loving and devoted boyfriend. Not some playboy.

* * *
The dating/relationship forum for women is still up but no one is posting as it was to close on the 18th. Someone took the initiative to start a new one and I got to check it out. I have no motivation to continue with this board but I wanted to see what it looks like. I may check it out on occasion to see how it's doing. Right now it seems like there aren't too many posters posting but I'm sure that will change in time. Not that I care because I've learned all I can about men and I'm done with having discussions about them!

The 5 Tibetan Rites

Greetings all,

I've been practicing an exercise set called the 5 Tibetan Rites. I first heard about this from a Raviana dvd on kundalini which features this set. I've been doing so for a week and it's been interesting. One of the exercises, I have been practicising on occasion, the back of my head has popped a few times. It's number 4 in this set. These exercises are all exercises I learned before and you can do them on their own. It's just they have been sequenced in this way.

The first exercise is spinning slowly clockwise. I'm not sure about the science behind it but I think probably making yourself spin a few times probably has some effect on some brain parts or some glands as many exercises can stimulate certain parts of the body.

The 4th exercise, which is known as table or bridge I did on its own before I learned of this set. I was doing it a few times before I was practising this and the back of my head popped but what was funny was yesterday when I did this set, it popped 3 times.

I have a lot of tension in my head, which I have managed to release over the years but I can feel certain parts of my head that are blocked and it's annoying. The imbalance is mostly on my right side of my head and there are a few points where I feel are blocked so when I do my energy work, I can feel where my head is still stuck. It is frustrating but you have to work at it to clear it so it's just a matter of time.

It's for youthfulness and energy. I don't feel I need to be youthful. I look young for my age. I want to move forward in life and I guess I need more energy to do so and I need to dump all negative emotions and thoughts from my body.

Comedy

Greetings all,

I had a show last night at a club called Absolute. It was their Pro/Amateur night. Most open mics I go to are not at clubs but run by comics. I do not get paid for this and this was the first time I actually went over my time. We are given 7 minutes. I was the second comic on and the first guy was over time by a minute and 33 seconds. I practiced before and I think it was 5 or 6 minutes. I ended up being over time as well and was a minute and 26 seconds. The manager pulled me aside and was quite upset that I was over time and kept telling me over and over that I was over time and that I need to practice and time myself before hand. This was my first time before over time because usually I keep my sets under the time.

As well I wrote a while ago that back in November, I bombed for my first time so I guess I'm becoming more official as a comic because I am experiencing all the negatives that come with it.

I was looking for a light to signal my time as usually there is a signal. Apparently there was no light and they say on the line up sheet, which I normally don't pay attention to. I felt bad for going over time but I didn't think I was. I hope this doesn't effect my chance to get a spot in the future at this club but I don't think so since it was my first time going over time. As well, if they don't accept me, it's not a big deal because there are multiple ways to get success. Certainly it's important to not go over time and it's a bad habit to get into as it can alienate the club owners, who are your employers.

Greetings all,

I am still lurking on the forum I used to be on, it's end will be this week. I really don't care about it as the drama seems to have died off a bit, although as mentioned the blocked user came in as another name and is insulting some people. It's a little creepy and it actually reminds me of how my exroommate behaved after I called the cops on her. This user is just trying to bait the members, just as my roommate did. It was tempting to say something back and quite hard to ignore her but this is what perpetuates the drama. Some posters online would respond back but if she was ignored, maybe she would give it up. I could see the poster trying to poke at people and looking for their insecurities and deliberately trying to be insulting. Just like my exroommate.

With my sat nam rasayan training, I've learned how to not react to things and so I think this is a skill everyone needs to cultivate. Why react to these things? This is what some people want but it doesn't make it right.

The End

Greetings all,

As mentioned earlier, I had left the relationship forum for women last month. I have, however, been lurking on it and these past few days there has been much drama. I had mentioned that a few of the women are quite petty. One of them was rather insulting to another poster who happens to just be an antagonizer at times, but however makes valid points. The later was persistantly fighting with the moderators about how the initial poster was insulting her. The moderators have no real power, just authority. Eventually the woman who runs this business and the site decided to close down the forum. As well, she 'blocked' the antagonizing poster, although not the insulting one. It appears the blocked user created another user name and has left a few posts. Frankly, I think both were out of line and didn't think it was fair to just block one person when both should be.

I think it was quite sad but I did email her my feedback about why I left but I wasn't pointing out anyone specifically. I said I found the environment generally petty and immature and either structure it better or close it down. I really don't think I had much influence but I'm sure the woman got tired of probably receiving numerous emails from angry women who can't handle when someone says something they do not like. I think people want a supportive environment but they at the same time, some seem to want to be babied and can't handle someone saying something they don't like. They can just be so overly sensitive at times. It was annoying.

There definitely were some level headed people but it seems like the few rotten apples win out. As I was watching people's reactions and comments, I felt a bit like a social scientist. It was amusing because people would keep repeating themselves defending their point and clearly no one was budging. I think if you think you can change someone by repeating yourself, you are fooling yourself. You really need to learn to ignore someone at times, which is quite hard. I had to do this my ex-roommate. I know how people just want to put their 2 cents in but sometimes just not reacting is more effective. It just adds fuel to the fire. You can't rationalize with someone who is on defensive autopilot. Their minds are just no longer under their conscious control and logic is bypassed. I've seen it happen to myself but I see it when trying to argue with someone. It's just typical human nature.

Even as the announcement was made to close the forum, a couple of women are still using it as an opportunity to insult and be smug to people. I just can't fathom that. I really can't. I guess some people are just so unhappy with their lives. I am out of work, and therefore had the free time to watch what was going on, but I don't know how some of these women find the time. I do think a forum is useful but you do need to interact with people in the real world. I was on it less when I had a job so I was trying to not be on it too much because I realized I might use it as a means of distraction and time waster.

I know for me, I am glad I left. I realized many of these women just are not at my maturity level and probably never will be. The best thing is to not spend time with people like that because they will just bring you down. Some women just don't have class and it's sad.

I wonder if it turned so ugly because they are bitter, angry women or if it is just human behaviour. This kind of behaviour is not uncommon in forums and people have to learn to behave as they do in real life but many do not. But then people behave appropriately because most people keep conversations superficial. People don't get riled up over talking about the weather. I would think dealing with relationship issues, it might make you more vulnerable emotionally and therefore more sensitive and prickly to the advice of others. Or maybe not. I always welcome truth, even if it was something I didn't want to hear because at least you can mull it over. People just need to realize that you are the common denominator in your life so if you are consistently experiencing the same problems, then it might be you or your approach.

But it does make me wonder why this behaviour online would occur. How can people learn to govern themselves online and be civilized and tolerate disagreements? I guess relationships is a touchy issue. Or maybe not. People can be passionate and therefore sensitive to many things, like their favourite sports team.

All I can say is, humans are strange. I am almost embarrassed to have been on that site. I didn't think it would end in such a sad way.

More thoughts on Sat Kriya

Greetings all,

I thought I'd talk about sat kriya as I have worked with it a lot last year and have done a 120 day discipline and several 40 day disciplines. I am working with it again after a 2 month break.

I think I stopped working with it because I felt like I wasn't getting anything out of it but maybe that was an excuse. I think because I worked with it a lot, not much was happening as it was in the beginning, where I felt more stuff coming up. I think maybe I can experience different things because I've cleared a lot. I guess maybe I expect the same amount of clearing but I think I just need to accept that now I'm in a different place when I work with that kriya.

So lately for the past few weeks, I started to experience more positive feelings. I would still cry when I experienced these feelings, which I still don't understand why. First I felt like I was destined for greatness. A few days ago I felt like I was unique and recently that I am master of my domain (i.e. I can direct my life and have self control). I don't know why I cried at these realizations but it reminds me of this Marianne Williamson quote about how we are most afraid of our light and not our darkness. So maybe this was why I have been crying? I am not sure at this point but will continue to work with this kriya.

Damn Immigrants!

Greetings all,

Yesterday I went to a meetup for job seekers and people wanting to make a career transition. It was primarily in the evening, although if you wanted to stay past the hour you could. Since my bookgroup meets that day, I didn't stay long and think I was the only person to leave at 6.30.

A few people were immigrants but one of them really stuck out in my mind and I thought she was very hostile. Now some of that is probably due to frustration and is maybe understandable but I didn't think it was appropriate.

First of all, if you immigrate into a country, it is an honour and a privilege. We don't have to let you in. You are not entitled to a job and have to prove yourself. She sounded Indian so I'm guessing she is from somewhere in the Middle East. She was trained and has experience as a Clinical Social Worker. Frankly I thought she needed the help of a Clinical social worker because she came off as so harsh, rude and angry.

She was really bitter about being out of work for a year, which I understand. She was also frustrated that she feels her experience is not being recognized because she is from a different country. First of all, if one researches the employment rates across the world, she will see that unemployment is difficult everywhere. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_countries_by_unemployment_rate

I would think you would do your research first before coming into another country and possibly have a job lined up or at least a strategy. The rate for India was 10% whereas in Canada it's 7.8%. A 2.2% difference but our unemployment is still high. The fact is that with our current economy it is hard to find a job anywhere.

I know for many born Canadians, we are having a hard time finding jobs (myself included). I don't know too much about the immigration process but I would think the government only lets in a certain number of people and frankly I think it should co-relate to the employment rate (if it doesn't already). If we have lots of jobs available, and a low employment rate, sure open the doors but if we the citizens are struggling, let's take care of ourselves first and not let so many new comers into our country.

My dad came to this country when there was lots of opportunities and it was easy for him to find a job. I would think if times were better economically, that should reflect in the number of immigrants we allow into this country.

Another point I am making is this woman was complaining how her experience isn't recognized. First of all, Canada has one of the best education systems in the world and is in the top 5. I think these people need to accept this fact that maybe the education they received, is not up to our standards. Now I'm sure there must be something to bridge this gap so that we can at least recognize the training they did. Maybe they need to take a course or two to meet our standards but to complain about our standards is just nuts.

I wrote an article years ago for a volunteer organization in Hamilton called SISO so I know of the discrimination that trained immigrants have in finding jobs that match their skills. Certainly something has to be done about that but this is a risk that they take when leaving their countries and frankly it's something they need to accept. I don't go to their country and expect them to cater to Canadians.

This woman complained how she had a one day a week job with the municipal government of Toronto and had a job in Retail. She motioned with her hand towards her head like a gun, that she wanted to shoot herself (remember this is a clinical social worker...). She definitely has this entitlement mentality. A lot of people have to take crappy jobs while they hunt for a better job. Just because you are an immigrant and have experience and education, you think you are entitled to finding the ideal work? Suck it up sister, because lots of Canadians struggle too for work. Times are challenging whether you are an immigrant or not. Have some respect for the country you are residing in.

I just reverse this situation in my head. Would I expect to go to another country and complain about finding work when locals are struggling themselves? Would I complain about taking crappy jobs just to make ends meet? The answer is I would respect their rules and the struggles I would endure, because I am the one who is the guest. I can't expect to go to a country and expect them to serve me. I have to prove myself and show myself as deserving. I have to have the humble attitude, not the entitlement mentality. And I am sure if I went to another country, they probably would prefer giving jobs to the locals over an immigrant. I'm the outsider and have to prove myself and gain their trust and respect. This is the challenge of being an immigrant but at the same time, it is what makes someone proud when they can overcome these challenges.

Hot Yoga

Greetings all,

I went to my first hot yoga class and I was sweating up a storm thanks to the heat. I don't think I've ever sweated so much in my life. I've tried the infra-red saunas and sweat a bit in them but this was a lot.

I didn't bring a towel, which I should have because it would have been easier to do some poses. The yoga itself was not challenging because I've done yoga before. The balancing poses were challenging, but then they usually are. I had a challenge doing eagle pose because my leg was so sweaty and it made it difficult to wrap my leg around the standing one. Usually I have no problem with this pose as once I wrap my leg firmly, I can stay in it but my leg kept slipping and I had to not go so tightly into it.

Hot yoga also helps with making it easier to bend and be flexible since the heat helps. We were doing side bends and I managed to go very low when bending to my right and I think the heat helped. I went further down then I normally do.

I have 9 more sessions. Not sure if this would be something to do regularly but I think once and a while would be good for purification. I think Kundalini yoga has been the most useful yoga. They should offer it in the heat.

Greetings all,

After I had deleted my profile, all my threads and posts were deleted. I had a popular thread that was called Woe is Me: the Self Pity thread. It basically is what it is. A thread to whine and feel sorry for yourself as I think sometimes you just need to take that time for yourself to do that and get it out of your system.

Well one of the women that didn't like me created a new thread (I have been lurking on the site) that is a continuation of that one. But she basically started insulting me on that thread. Apparently she said I 'drove' off one of her friends and was criticizing her for being dyslexic. That isn't something I would do. I would criticize someone for other reasons, but not for dyslexia. I am sure there was some misunderstanding, which commonly happens on the board. This person should have messaged me or asked for clarification on the thread. They just aren't communicating effectively and then get mad at people. If you think someone is attacking you, why don't you ask for clarification. Maybe they weren't doing so intentionally.

Anyways, the other jackals who were rude to me on my goodbye thread were rude on this thread. It wasn't a self pity thread, it was a thread to continue to attack me. These are women in their 40s and frankly this is quite lame on their parts. It was just their final opportunity to get their digs into me.

I am glad to be gone from there and am just lurking, although not so much. I think my attention needs to be directed to more positive means.

* * *

I created a second facebook account for this little toy my friend has. It's the character from super mario brothers. I've decided to make him my boyfriend because I've been wanting to be in a relationship for so long on facebook but that never happened and I thought this character would be a good boyfriend. Here's what my new boyfriend looks like:

Anyways, my ex-roommate has blocked me on facebook but she didn't block my boyfriend, so I took a peak at her profile and apparently she changed her name. Her first and last name is completely different and she now lives in Kamloops BC and is working again as a waitress. I don't know why she would change her name. I think because she is trying to run away from her problems and sometimes people think by changing their name, they will fix the problem. When I think about her, I think of how unhappy she was as a person. She maybe had the occasion moment of happiness but she was a bit of a drama queen and always so reactive and angry about stuff. I've been in that part of BC and I know there is a lot of nature. Maybe this will be a calming environment for her because she really needs to do her inner work and look at her emotions. Or maybe it won't be. I don't know, but how can you be an angry person and live in BC with all the nature and trees? I can't fathom living in that environment and not be affected by it on some level. I know she likes to snowboard so maybe that is why she went there. She never mentioned BC when living with me.

* * *
I've decided to do the morning sadhana at the ashram. They do it every day and it starts at 4 am and ends at 6.30 am. They do yoga and mantra. The reason for doing it so early is because this is a spiritually ripe time and it is ideal for tapping into the universal energy. I'm going to try it this Friday as this past month I have felt the urge to go and try it so I guess I must follow the urges of my soul.

I attended a sadhana when I went to Florida for the Winter Solstice but that was because I arrived at the site after 9 and so we had the option of setting our tent up in the dark or stay in the Fire Tent. I stayed in the Fire tent which is where they were doing the sadhana. So it woke me up and I slept through half of it but people say that even if you fall asleep, you benefit from the energy.

Anyways, we'll see how I like it and maybe I can go more often.

* * *
They have these things for getting discounts online. You can learn of one called Groupon at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Groupon. I got a package for 10 hot yoga sessions so tonight I will go to one class and see how it goes. I'm not sure how I'll handle the heat but I will wear shorts, which means I have to prepare my legs this afternoon as I am a hairy beast.

Bitches Be Crazy!

Greetings all,

Today I decided to delete my account for the forum that I am on that is primarily for women to discuss dating, relationships and men. I left a positive goodbye. No insulting or really going into the real reasons why I am leaving. Basically said that I enjoyed meeting some in real life as a few came to Toronto and I went to New York to see those who lived there. I said that I felt I had learned all that I could and felt I had nothing to contribute. I ended with the closing that is commonly done in kundalini yoga, which is: may the long time sun shine upon you, all love surround you and the pure light within you guide your way on, guide your way on, guide your way on.

Now some people were civilized and politely said goodbyes but a few were petty and insulting. Some said I was brash and tried to give me feedback. I didn't ask for feedback, mainly because I don't think I need it. One woman was rude enough to say that I need to work on being compassionate so that I could be happy. This was the woman who had a problem with my post about Failed Marriages. I think I am a fairly compassionate person. Another woman said I need to see a counsellor to work on my social skills. Now these people were not saying these things to me because they cared about me. They only said these things to hurt me and were acting petty. I am not brash or harsh. I am a rational, logical and opinionated woman and so maybe they perceive me as cold but I am not. I am not irrational (at least not that often) nor am I an emotional basket case. I am pretty solid emotionally. Not perfect but certainly not as dysfunctional as some on the board.

The way I look at it, these women who didn't have the class to give me a polite goodbye or say nothing at all, have proven to me that this is not a healthy environment.

Recently on the boards, 2 other people left. One left because moderators were put in place and she didn't like the idea of that since it was like we were being policed. The other left because she was not wanting to be in this toxic environment.

There definitely is 2 different classes of women on that board. The good kind and the bitches. Crazy bitches. I talked with the woman who left the board last week, as I met her when she came to Toronto and I visited her in New York. She is very New York and she is quite the character. She's like many New Yorkers, tough on the outside but generous towards people. We had talked today about why she left and why I was thinking of leaving. She told me she read my Failed Marriage post and didn't see anything offensive about it and read it several times. They are just projecting their own issues rather then seeing how it might apply to me. I thought I would be polite and put a goodbye post instead of just deleting my account and its post all together. As mentioned in a previous post, I had told her I felt like I have been over defending myself. Which to me means people are attacking me and not trying to understand me. If people do that to me, maybe it's not me with the problem but the others. I was saying some of these people are really dysfunctional so they can't see where I am coming from because they think they are being attacked when really I am just pointing out what is not right. As well, some people enjoy hurting people. I don't. I do not sugarcoat things but I try to be helpful with people. I don't get off on calling a woman insecure. I want people to wake up and realize that they are the ones that are creating their problems.

Truthfully some people are not ready to change and really are not at the level of others. Some are just too dysfunctional and frankly I can't help these people. If you aren't willing to take responsibility for your life and your personality and your character, then no one can really help you.

I really can't justify my time there. I am just so mad at the reactions of others. Truly sad. But then they just criticize me. What people like that typically do, is they use the jargon from the personal growth community and apply it to others to sound smart. The truth is, I walk the walk and they are merely talking the talk to others. Don't tell me I need to develop compassion when you are miserable. Don't tell me how to act or how to be. I am who I am.

Gifts From the Heart

Greetings all,

My mother notified me last week that there is a group of dental hygienists that take one day of the year to do free dental cleaning fro those without dental benefits. They do this in various cities in Ontario and in Alberta. You can learn about it here.

The day was on Saturday February 12. There was only one place in Toronto and they were doing the cleanings on Sunday so I booked on appointment. I was very grateful to have learned about this because with my last job, I didn't get benefits as I was on contract. I had benefits with the job before that and so had my teeth cleaned on July 2008. My teeth bled a lot as I tend to get minor gingivitis. They always tell you the same thing. Clean and floss daily. I have a wire on the back of my front teeth because I used to wear braces and so it keeps the teeth from moving out of alignment. So I have to floss because I tend to get food stuff in between my teeth, especially when I eat applies. But I don't do it every day, maybe a few times a week. It's annoying to use floss threaders, which is what I need to floss the teeth that have the wire.

I was appreciative towards the hygienist and it really meant a lot to me that there are people out there who do this because I think with the way some business' run, they just don't care about their employees and many people don't get benefits, which I think are essential. The teeth are important and taking care of them to me is just as vital as going to the doctor. Perhaps we'll have socialized dentistry like we do with health care.

I've only had one job where I got benefits and so was used to paying for my cleanings out of my own pocket.

They want to make more people aware of the number of people who don't have dental care and I hope their cause gets more awareness because companies need to start providing this if the government doesn't. I think it's a right that everyone has access to teeth care.

Greetings all,

I had posted my previous post at the Relationship board that I visit and it seemed to cause some controversy. Some people didn't have an issue with it, but others have, namely those who I think it applies to. It's interesting because my intention was to point out the negative filter some people have about marriage. I frankly think it's disgusting and I for one am fed up of it.

I never said there was something wrong with people who get divorced. Hey it happens but like with everything else in life, you have to take responsibility for it and learn from the experience. Usually people who chose to not take responsibility and deny their emotional responsibility are the bitter and angry ones. I know dealing with pain isn't easy but everyone has to learn to grow up and learn emotional self control and self management.

I didn't comment on my post for a week but someone attacked me on another thread saying it was caustic and that I probably am too chicken to go back to it. The thing is I had my Sat Nam Rasayan workshop on Tuesday and Wednesday, so I had a lot to process emotionally and energetically. I know responding would acquire more thought which I wasn't ready yet to do but after a week I did.

The essence of what I was expressing was that people need to accept their feelings of failure because that is what makes them negative towards something. As well, you can substitute any word for marriage in my post and it would still be applicable because usually when someone 'fails', they are bitter towards that thing. If they succeeded, they obviously wouldn't have the negative filter. I guess I have the tendency to make intuitive leaps but I think I was very insightful.

As well, I had my own experience of failure when I hit 30 and realized my feelings of failure in meditation. I think some people say they don't have these feelings, but I truthfully feel that they are not digging deep enough into themselves because this experience I had, I know in my heart is universal. Failure is just a feeling and when you learn from it and release, you can move forward in your life.

I started commenting on the thread but I started to feel like I was over defending myself so now I haven't been on the boards for 2 days. A woman I met from New York recently quit the boards for reasons she didn't really have time to explain to me yet but for me, I am starting to wonder why do I go there. It was useful in the beginning since I had questions about my dating issues. I don't really post my issues, since I don't think I have any since I'm pretty aware of what to do and I just post my dating escapades, even though there is very little of that going on.

I don't think some people take their inner work as seriously as I do. I use kundalini yoga and meditation on a daily basis. Most of these people don't have some tool. One uses EFT. I know that if you want to really change, you have to find a tool that helps you tap into your emotions and subconscious garbage. We all know stuff intellectually but the problem is in the emotional realm so you can't use the intellect to change an emotional problem.

There are some decent people on the board who I think are successful and a few are married or in serious relationships. Some conversations are insightful.

We recently had someone organize a thread where we anonymously submit positive things to say about members. I actually didn't like some of what was said about me. The two people who are the bullies on the board, had nicer things said about them. Now I don't know how much of that they made up because you could put in compliments for yourself. I didn't because I wanted to keep it pure. Anyways, these were the 'compliments' about me

*is persistent, independent
*is a good person.
*bluntly goes where no one else does, and thus, opens doors for discussions that no one else dares to open. Can be very perceptive at times.
*I really like your indefatigable spirit, romantic idealism, and quest for growth and self-improvement
*can be very insightful and offers new perspectives on things.
*is seriously insightful.
*I admire her for sticking with her principles and her beliefs.

I am a nice person and am sensitive and try to be helpful. I guess no one thinks this, probably because I am direct. I don't care to be described as blunt. It's not really feminine. I guess the only nice thing was being called nice and insightful.

Maybe I've outgrown the site and there is not much else for me to learn. We'll see if I decide to not go. I'm just in the habit of going there daily. But I know I can stop because I stopped when I went to Florida and had no internet access.

As well, I don't feel I can say much to assist and give advice to people. It's basically pretty straight forward. You just focus on your life and being happy and let the man chase. It's not rocket science.

My friend thinks I like the drama but I just complain to her about the drama. I enjoy the non drama and that's probably why I kept going. I am also on an email list for kundalini yoga and I ask questions and generally find that there is little drama. I think some of these women are just too emotional and not rational and I probably just react to that but for sure lately I don't get involved. I guess because they are not on the same page as I am. Anyways, we'll see what happens but I am taking a break from that site. Too much nonsense.

Failed Marriages

Greetings all,

On the board that I post on, I had made this observation that many women who have previously been married, have a negative view of marriage. Some of us on the board, do not have this negative view because we have not been married and so have not experienced a failed marriage.

The negative view is basically they may be afraid to get married again and so would rather live common law. The second is they think marriage is just a piece of paper and so means nothing. There are other negative views but these are just a few I am pointing out.

This is all false and a lie. Marriage is a very old institute and it has stood the test of time. It has been in place for thousands of years.

What I discovered is that because they had failed, it taints their perception of this. Marriage has been proven to make people happier and live longer. It helps people be more prosperous. Of course, this is only true if you are with the right person.

If you had difficulty riding a bike and failed, you too probably would have a negative view of bikes. You would think, bikes are bad. They are no fun. You don't need a bike to have a good time and feel the exhilaration.

It bothers me that people there had this view and now after thinking out loud, it made sense to me why they have this negative view.

It's because they failed.

Marriage is not just a piece of paper. It is a social convention and getting married is a very public and social act that you show others that you are going to attempt a serious life commitment with another person.

One person mentioned they didn't like people's perception of common law marriage. But the fact is, we all will think common law marriages are just stepping stones. And in fact, living with someone is just that.

I know people who live common law and get married. I know people who have been divorced, lived common law and remarried. There is something to taking that leap into marriage that living common law will never provide, otherwise people would just stay forever common law and be happy with that.

For goodness sakes, even the gay community wants this 'right' that many others insult out of ignorance and their past failure.

I used to get upset at these people but now I know where they get this irrational and negative perception of marriage.

It's because they failed.

Their negative filter will not taint my perception that marriage, a union of two loving and similar souls is a positive thing and a blessing.

Court Time

Greetings all,

Today I had an appointment with the Ontario Court of Justice. Guess for? A damn parking ticket that my neighbor accidentally gave me. This incident occurred on August 15, 2009 and it takes this long for it to finally get to a court. I think the whole process is long and stupid. I did not pay it and then they send you a letter and I went down to dispute it. You have to fill out some form to set the date. They don't tell you when it is at that point and so back in September I got my notice.

Now what happened is that our parking lot is shared with people who live on the neighboring street. My building uses the half close to us. The other half is private property. I was out on a Friday night and came home probably around 12.30 am. Some one was parked in my spot. We are designated spots and so I decided to park on the other side as there was no where else for me to park. I cannot park on the street after 12, unless I have a permit, otherwise I would get a ticket.

The next day I move my car and notice a ticket on it. I think I was upset and talked to the super about it. Since it was after midnight I didn't want to disturb her over something so trivial as someone taking my spot. She said next time I could call her, regardless of the time. I recorded the license plate the night before and had saved it.

A few days later the neighbor who was responsible for giving me this ticket apologized which I said was okay. I am not sure if he called them saying it was a mistake but I had to go through this process of going to court, which I think was silly. I don't know if the charge could have been dropped.

I took pictures of the parking lot and was getting ready to defend myself. I had saved the license plate number of the offender who was in my spot and put it in my purse so I wouldn't forget it. The next day I checked my purse for it but couldn't find it. I was pretty sure I put it there. I checked my recycling bag where I put my papers in and nothing. I brought it with me to check there and still didn't find it. I have no clue where it went and I was upset because I had saved it for this moment!

I was called up and had my laptop ready to show the pictures and defend myself but then the Ticket Officer must have said something to the guy who calls us up because they basically said my case was dismissed. I was ready to defend myself. What?

I also have another court date to attend and this is what I think is so stupid. I just want my fee reduced as I parked on the street after midnight with no permit. I was out with a friend having coffee so I lost track of time. I went downtown to see if I could arrange for these 2 court appearances to be on the same day and location but they said it couldn't be done. What nonsense. It's bad enough that I had to go out of my way to show myself for something I was innocent of and now I have to go out again. What a waste of time.

I asked the judge about it and they wouldn't do anything about it.

Today it was snowing a lot and so I left an hour early to get there and the drive was terrible as there was so much snow on the roads. I parked on a side street because they only have pay parking there, which again I think is dumb. I had gotten stuck as I was leaving and so I spent about 20 minutes using my pick to dig myself out. It wasn't that bad as it was my right front tire that was stuck since there was so much snow.

The judge was so serious. I am not sure if there was another judge but she was wearing the same outfit as the judge. They both were serious. It's like, dude you guys are just parking ticket judges. You're not dealing with anything really justice worthy. Your dealing with cases where people usually park without a permit or they park in the wrong spot. You have no right to be so serious as this job is really not that important in the grand scheme of things. It's not like you are dealing with murder cases. I'm sure the odd case is more serious but all these infractions are largely minor. Smile for goodness sake!

Love Triangle 2

Greetings all,

I had mentioned about this guy in my meetup group who was interested in me and the organizer. Someone in the group had invited us to dinner for the Chinese New Year and he happened to be there. The next day he emails me if I want to cuddle. I replied that I think that night was a mistake and that I do not foresee any cuddling in the future. He then replies he does care about me the most in the group (did you happen to say this to the organizer as well?) and that he does feel drawn to me but does not think it will work out (did you say the same thing to the organizer?)

I had some friends tell me to ignore the email but I just responded that I think we should stay friends. I really don't want this kind of person in my life and he has some traits that I don't like. He's okay as a friend but that's it.

I know a boundary was broke when we cuddled, but where does he get the nerve to ask for it? Loyalty is important to me and he doesn't seem like he knows what he wants. Men are just so weird.

* * *
I had a job interview on Monday and I think today was the day I should hear from them if I am going to get a second interview. So far I have not heard from them, so I figured I did not get the job. I said I should find a job by February and I haven't. I am getting really fed up with my job search and this has been the worst winter of my life. The stress of not having a job and no money and the stress from being sleepy all the time with my seasonal affective disorder, I just want to put a bullet to my brain. I've had enough. I see no light at the end of this tunnel.

I went to see a counselor on Friday and she said I have mild depression. They will put me on SSRI for my SAD. I had said isn't it too late for me to go on medications since it takes about 4 weeks for it to kick in. By that time, my symptoms will be gone. I checked my journal and I don't mention when I start feeling better but I think by March I feel better.

I am tempted to buy the Valkee product that is like a walkman that emits light into your ear but I want to see more data on its effectiveness before getting it. There are some positive reviews but negative ones as well. I have a lightbox and that helps a bit but not enough. Maybe this product would work more effectively for me? I am on a tight budget as well so I'm just really cautious.

Meditation

Greetings all,

I tend to do 40 day disciplines and so am good at sticking to them. Some people have a hard time doing them because it is about breaking your karma and sometimes there is resistance to that.

I am doing 3 meditations that I learned at my sat nam rasayan workshop and my 40 days will be up on the 6th of February. Usually when I am nearing the end, I think of what to work on next and so the past few days I have been feeling nervous about what to do because I wanted to work on a meditation that would help me with my issues and current problems.

I had previously worked with the ganpattee kriya for just over a year and that has helped me a lot. I tried it for 11 minutes a few days ago but didn't feel drawn to it. I think I wanted to work with it again because it helped in the past but I wasn't feeling drawn to it. I think for me I was looking at past success to determine my future which sometimes doesn't work.

I also worked with sat kriya for just over 6 months and that helped alot. Again, I didn't feel drawn to it.

So I thought - with reluctance - that since I am still in the middle of a discipline, that I need to delve into it because with the 3 meditations, I felt like not much was happening. I felt release when I first used them, but not much lately.

I just let go with my wanting to find the next meditation and I found it was a cathartic meditation. I guess even when you think there is nothing to let go, you still can.

Overvaluing Self

Greetings all,

One thing I occasionally notice on the message board that I post on, sometimes women seem to have this tendency to overvalue themselves. I mean, I think it's great to think you have value and are 'expensive' and thus supposed to be treated with respect but sometimes I wonder what quality are these women? I mean, I don't know them too much and I can only go by what is posted.

One woman whom has always been a trouble maker on the board has this over inflated sense of self and is a bit of a bully. It's actually common for bullies to overestimate their talents. This woman thinks she is hot. I have seen her picture on facebook and she is far from hot. She has what is known as 'butter face'. Everything is nice about her but her face. She thinks she is smart. She is not. She makes claims but doesn't support them and expects you to do the research. Honey, it does not work like that. If you make a statement, you are the one that is obligated to prove its validity not label others as lazy if they do not do the research you are supposed to do.

Now I think love can bloom with all sorts of people. Boring people find love. Dumb people find love. Ugly, boring and dumb people find love. We all know that like attracts like. So obviously someone like me is seeking a hot, silly genius man.

I think at the end of the day, it's about finding someone whom is compatible with your personality. Everyone had a different personality. I may think someone is incredibly dumb or lazy but they can hook up with someone who thinks they are great and smart. It's all relative.

Birds of a feather flock together.

As well, when someone overvalues themselves, they sometimes need to ask themselves what they bring to a relationship. Of course, men really need to be the ones that prove themselves first but sometimes men hook up with substandard women but yet these women may need to make some inner changes to get to a standard level. I guess it's just easier to look at someone and see what's wrong with them, rather then looking at what you need to work on. The bottom line is that I have strengths and weaknesses and the people around me have strengths and weaknesses.

I think if you want to be treated like royalty, then one needs to have the inner qualities as well and show respect to others.

This Week

Greetings all,

This week sucked for me as I was getting sick on Monday night and had spent most of the day at the library job searching. I had a sore throat and fever. I missed my book group on Tuesday night and Wednesday my fever went down. Today I am out and job searching again but this morning I had a coughing fit so I can't really strain my voice with too much talking.

Usually, like most people, when I get sick, I get depressed and discouraged so this week I didn't feel good and I feel hopeless about my job situation. I don't know what to do with myself either. I just am anti-school but it's time I figure out what to do with myself. I just think it's not fair. I have enough troubles in my life and this week again I felt deserted.

I hate not having much money and being on such a tight budget. I just don't get life sometimes.

Woe is me!

Rooftop Walking

Greetings all,

I had this dream either this week or last week but it was a dream where I was walking on rooftops. For some reason they were primarily connected and it was actually not easy to walk on some of them. I remember at one point I had to leap to the other building as it was probably 5 feet apart and so I did a running jump. It was quite risky and I potentially could have died. There was some steep terrain as well so it wasn't easy.

Today I dreamed that I was doing this again but this time my mother was meeting me from the other direction and I remember thinking how terrible it would be for my mother to make that leap as I barely made it. I was thinking, I am too old for this and didn't want to go through all this difficulty walking. Too old for leaping... now I know I am getting old. Even in my dreams I am being conservative. Apparently my mother figured another way around it.

I don't know if I figured out what to do in another dream but at some point I thought about the dream while in a dream state and I realized that I don't have to do this and that I could just get to my destination by walking on the ground. Pretty simple.

I don't know if this means my subconscious is making some shift but I do feel like I don't want a life where I am rooftop climbing because I want to take an easier road. I think it is representing on some level that in some part of my life I am making things difficult by trying too hard. That's my theory. We'll see what happens.

Pretty Girls

Greetings all,

I had previously written about pretty girls but I will probably go more into it. As mentioned, I don't consider myself classically pretty but because I've worked on my confidence I believe that I am hot and so I am not threatened by the 'pretty' girls.

The thing that irks me is that many men get distracted by the Pretty and they all go after that girl who is the prettiest of the bunch. They don't seem to realize that they at the same time are competing with many other men who want this girl. If they had enough intelligence, maybe they would go for the lesser pretty girls but who had interesting personalities and were probably a better catch overall.

I know guys have seen the same thing. Girls going after the pretty boy. I know for me, I want someone who has an interesting personality. I am not blinded by good looks like many men are.

The way I see it, if people want to be so superficial and go for the pretty one, they get what they deserve. They may not be compatible with the person and it may not work out for them. As well, if you are the pretty one you may not be a nice person because what I find is that pretty people can get away with being mean and being thoughtless. All because they look pretty. Now not all pretty people are like that but you definitely get way with more and get judged less harshly then someone who is less attractive. They've done studies on this as well. We think people who are pretty are good but in reality they may not be.

Going after someone who is pretty may blind you to their other flaws. In the beginning you can overlook these flaws because they are so pretty and you are so attracted to them but at some point, you have have to probe into their soul just a little bit more to see the truth of whom they are. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses but someone who is pretty can deceive you based on this one 'strength' of looks, of being pretty.

I have written out a list a while ago about what I want in a man and they are all inner qualities. I do list that I want an attractive man, but that is general and it is not limiting because what I find attractive can be broad. Some people get so fussy about what they want physically but it is nuts. They want someone who is a certain height or with certain eye colours and it's largely superficial. Then they wonder why they are single.

It's the old, don't judge a book by its cover.

I've been overlooked before by men and yes it probably did bother me but now at my age, I know that people that overlook me and do not appreciate me for the person I am are just a waste of my time. I can see my hotness and if others can't, they are just losers in my book (or dumb).

Love Triangle

Greetings all,

I have some drama to report in my personal life. Since I'm not into drama, I choose to no longer engage with the situation. Anyways, I am an assistant organizer for a group on meetup and it's for introverts. It's been interesting to meet so many introverts but the problem that happens is that they are too much like me in that they can be too quiet. I don't like being the one that initiates things but with a group that has the tendency to be quiet, sometimes you have to initiate conversations. Anyways sometimes it's easy to get people talking, especially if some of us are more extraverted introverts. I find some of them are extremely introverted whereas I am more balanced but still an introvert. I don't feel a need to talk all the time but then I am a doer so I would rather get active.

Well here's some of the drama. One guy I have a crush on. There really aren't too many guys that I like anyways and I use meetup for socializing, not pick up. He flirts back with me and one time tried to kiss me outside of my car as I was getting into my car. The problem with that was that I had the organizer of the group in my car as I was going to drive her home and I don't think it's appropriate to kiss someone for the first time if there is someone else there. So I didn't reciprocate the kiss. The organizer and I are friendly and she went with me to Scranton.

I went out with a few people from the group on Friday, outside of meetup and we hung out at Tim's and then they closed and we decided to go to someone's else. I cuddled the girl of the house as we have some bond. If we were lesbians, we probably would date. Then one of the guys left and it was the three of us. I cuddled with the guy I had a crush on for a while. Now I know I probably shouldn't have but I know in my mind that he probably isn't right for me. As my friend told me afterwards, he would be a Mr. Right Now, not Mr. Right. But I knew that and was hoping maybe to date for a bit to see where it goes. The thing with crushes is that sometimes they never lead anywhere but sometimes they may. He seemed to enjoy it and I did too. My friend was amused by our cuddling

The next day there was a meetup to go dancing. I organized it because my birthday was a few days ago. A few of us went and by the end of the night four of us were left. The organizer is pretty so most of the guys in our group think she is hot. I think she's pretty but I wouldn't call her hot. I'm not threatened either by her looks because I am fairly confident in myself. I know I was never a conventional beauty and I don't really think of myself as pretty but I know I'm hot and I think highly of myself. There's always going to be some girl out there who is prettier then me that all the guys flock to. Guys can be dumb sometimes. They get distracted by the pretty. Now the organizer isn't mean or anything. She's nice and quiet. I have nothing against her. I think she just needs more spunk, more fire. I think many people in that group need spunk and fire.

So the guy I have a crush on admitted while we were cuddling the other day that he likes the organizer. I didn't know what to make of that since I look at what a guy does, not what he says. He flirts with me a lot and was cuddling with me. Not saying there's a relationship and I don't feel entitled but there is obviously something there. Why are you cuddling me then if you like her? I wasn't sure if he was afraid to admit maybe he had a thing for me.

So he dances with me a bit and then dances with her a bit but probably more with me. And I thought at the time, maybe to not make her feel left out. At the end of the night they separate from the group and go off dancing. They are maybe 6 feet away from me and I was getting angry at the both of them. I kept it cool and then eventually they came back and I felt like leaving since it was late anyways. We did and he offered to drive us home. I said I'd just take the streetcar home because I didn't want a drive from him after how he acted. So he dropped her home and the other guy in the group was waiting with me at the streetcar stop.

I ended up talking the next day with the girl whose house we went to and let her know what happened. We hung out later on in the afternoon and she had people over and we had dinner. We talked about what was going on. I had thought about quitting and leaving the group because of this but I knew I couldn't just be impulsive and react. I do have to talk to the organizer first.

I think by the end of the night I probably felt more anger to the guy. I will have to speak to the organizer because maybe she just went with him and he was the one that 'dragged' her away from the rest of us. I definitely believe that women have to stick together and not let a man ruin their friendship but I will probably talk to her on Wednesday as I am a little angry and don't want to explode. Or maybe tonight. She is obviously aware of the flirting and thought maybe there was something going on. Last week some of us met up for coffee and we had learned they went to a movie together. Maybe she thought it was innocent but he probably is looking for more and is probably playing the both of us.

This guy is clearly a player and I definitely will not hang out with him anymore outside of the group. I know for me, I want a guy to pursue me, not be interested in more then one person. I want to be #1. I want someone who only has eyes for me and me only.

I don't think the organizer is interested in him so I now just think he is a bone head.

I've had this happen to me with my first boyfriend and I found out after things didn't work out that he was interested in my friend and tried to hit on her. This was the summer after we finished high school so I think what this guy is doing is just so high school and juvenile. I think guys don't realize that women talk to each other and some of them aren't stupid and trade information.

I certainly believe women have to stick together. Chicks before dicks is what I say. We can't let men get in the way of the friendship.

Sat Nam Rasayan

Greetings all,

I had mentioned that I am practicing Sat Nam Rasayan(SNR), which is basically a healing technique in kundalini yoga. It is different from Reiki in that there is no exchanging of energy and it is about not reacting when working on a partner and just being observant and being in the state of shuniya, which means to be neutral.

I took a workshop by Hari Nam Singh back in October and he is coming again back in Toronto, which I will probably take. Someone in the workshop asked if it could be arranged to practice this and so eventually that got started up so on Sundays I go and practice the meditations and the partner work that we did in the workshop. The workshop was 3 hours but the practice session is 1.5 hours so some things get shortened.

We get to practice the 3 meditations given in the workshop and in between, we would work with a partner. We sit next to them and then put ourselves into the meditative state.

I find the experience almost puzzling, because a few times I would have some weird experiences being in the healer position. For example, last week I was coughing at the end of the session. We had an odd number so 3 of us were in a group. The week before that my head felt like it was hardening and that I felt something was pushing my head to the right. My head wasn't moving but I was just experiencing this weird sensation in my head, which I don't understand. Is this a reaction to my partner? I feel as well that I am being healed while I am in the healer position, which is probably what I find most puzzling about this practice. I had emailed the instructor and basically he said to just accept the feeling. I know for me, I want more of an explanation of what is going on.

According to SNR, what causes sickness or suffering is how our body reacts to the stimulus outside. So we only really perceive our reactions to things. I find there is some truth to this. I have noticed practicing this is helping to take my practice to another level and that I observing more how my mind reacts to various events.

The other concept as well that we learn through practicing is that we can affect change to the person who needs the healing through the deep meditative and observing state. I think if we realize that we create all these problems just because of how we react to things. If we just learn to be still and relax and not react, we might actually have less problems in the world.

Dream

Greetings all,

This is my first post of the new year. Happy New Years! I had a dream on the Epiphany that I went to the Summer Solstice event in New Mexico and my dad was there. I took that as a sign that maybe I should go to the Summer event since I went to the Winter event.

I had another weird dream the other day where Will Smith was wanting to have sex with me. He was rather persistent and I had told him no. I was tempted but I told him no since he was already married. I wonder what this means. I'm not really attracted to Will Smith in real life but find him funny and was a fan of his show The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

I was telling my friend that now that I've gone so long without sex that I've hit that threshold where now I don't obsess about it or care for it. I just give up I guess in my search. What happens is that I hit a certain point where I can't take having it anymore and then I have dreams about it, which further aggravates my sexual frustration.

I do not like being sexually inactive. My body is hot and I am just getting older. It's a waste that no one is taking advantage of it. I'm just not living to my sexual potential.

I've tried looking and the process is as frustrating as finding a boyfriend. The truth is men don't just fuck anyone. Men just act like, we'll fuck anything that moves and that is bullshit. They have to be drunk probably to fuck anything that moves.

I'm currently on eharmony for 3 months but I might just cancel it as I feel I can't be bothered to find a man. I have other things to concern myself with and I've lost a lot of motivation in finding someone. It just seems like an impossible task.