Greetings all,
Today I did the Mensa Home Prep Test to see if I have a chance at passing the real Mensa test. Mensa is an organization for people who possess the top 2% IQs in the world.
Why the hell would I try out for this organization? Well I've been professing for the past 10 years that I am a genius so I figure I probably should actually put it to the test since I've never taken a real IQ test, only online ones. I think if I don't pass this Mensa prep test, at least maybe I'll take a real IQ to see how smart I am intellectually.
If I pass this Home Prep Test, then I can either submit an IQ test that was supervised or take their monthly supervised tests.
I actually took a bit longer to do it and actually was expecting more math type questions, much like a typical IQ test. There were 6 sections in this test categorized as follows: Synonyms, Classification, Opposites, Analogies, Completion (paragraph missing some words, which you choose from a list of possible words) and Inferences.
I found it was too much word selection and it started messing with my head. I think I did okay but I mailed it back today and will have to wait to see my results. As mentioned earlier, I was disappointed that it didn't have more math questions, because I'd probably be done faster.
I read a book a few years ago entitled Losing Our Minds: Gifted Children Left Behind by Deborah Ruf. It talked about the difficulties these gifted children experience and it also had classifed the various levels of giftedness. I always thought perhaps I was gifted and after reading that book, I concluded that if I am gifted, I am probably on the lowest rung because what some of these kids thought about at a young age was impressive.
I know I am probably smarter then average. I probably seem insecure about my intelligence but the reality is I am. I chose to drop out of my first year university, not because I was doing poorly, in fact I excelled in many of my courses, but because like many people my age, I didn't know what I wanted to major in and I saw little point in investing $4000 to go take something that I was unsure of.
I love learning but I had to say goodbye to the intellectual world because somewhere in my heart I knew what I needed to learn, I could not learn in an academic setting. So I went into the world of work and have struggled to find my place in this world. I long to be a comedian, a performer, an artist.
But I can never get that academic recognition that my nerd heart so desires.
I need to know how smart I am. I know I am not the highest level of genius. Maybe I am not a genius at all. But I need to know how intellectually smart I am.
I think being above average intelligence can have it's drawbacks, which I learned about in Losing Our Minds: Gifted Children Left Behind. Lots of thoughts and ideas about things go through your mind and learning can become an obsession. There is a loneliness as well because sometimes some people are just not smart enough to get what you are saying or understand your ideas.
Over the years I keep looking for smart people to be my friends because at least I take comfort in that. Being around stupid people is just too painful for me.
Even if you are not intellectually minded, being kind and being open to learning is just as fine.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Modifying my Relationship Strategy
Greetings all,
I have previously informed my wonderful readers that I have been following a book entitled Getting to I Do by Patricia Allen as it is a relationship book to help you use the right strategies to get married.
I recently read Why Men Marry Bitches by Sherri Argov and I personally found this to be a more simple strategy. It, like many other dating books, point out how the woman has to let the man chase her in the beginning but also to live your own life and make yourself happy first. (duh...that's what I've been doing for the past 30 years so I've gotten that covered)
I liked the part where she points out how the woman acts after sex is what is important and that to be cool and calm and move on with your life and not get so attached to the man and basically let him come after you.
I liked that advice since I never have read anywhere or heard anyone talk about how to behave AFTER sex. I am not sure how I act after sex since it's been so long but I don't think I was overly clingy anyways. Although I like to cuddle for a bit after it's over.
In Pat's book she talks about giving the man the exclusive talk after you've been dating for a while and he wants to take things on a physical level. Namely, you ask to be exclusive and monogamous and expect this to be continuous and not a one night stand. Also to state your desire that you are eventually looking to get married, although it may not be with him.
I thought about this and I realized if I were a man and a woman I dated started talking to me like that, I'd probably just say yes to shut her up, even if I wasn't willing to marry and I already knew I wasn't willing to marry her.
Some woman has to be the woman before the Wife. It just might be you!
No worries!
The reality is guys will say anything to get into your pants and you can't be so fixated on getting married, that you forget to screen and scrutinize your suitors. You have to look for someone whose company you enjoy.
Besides if you bug a man for marriage early on, it'll make him less likely to want to do it. Much like in real life, if you nag people or pester people, it makes them not want to do that very thing you want them to do!
I am in an email group for people following the Pat Allen strategies but I am thinking of leaving that group. Some of these women are desperate losers. One of them is still pining for her ex and he is already in a relationship with another woman who is more then 15 years younger then him. She's let him recontact her at least 3 times since she dumped him. The new girlfriend even snooped through his email to contact her and she actually had conversations with the new girlfriend. If that were me being contacted, especially by the new girlfriend I'd say 'get lost!'
It's called moving on. You are now just 'the other woman'.
You never will know how to be a winner unless you know how to accept loss!!
This sad soul is in her early 40s by the way.
There is another woman as well who is 53 and was recently telling us of a married man whom she fell in love with whom she met online but naively didn't know he was married. There is another man whom she rejected back in the day and he married and had kids and has entered her life and I think she maybe thinks they might hook up.
Ummm, does marriage not mean anything to these women?
But isn't it ironic though, these women who so desperately want marriage, think it's okay to interfere with men who are already in monogamous relationships, whether they are married or not.
I don't know but I have never been in a situation like this where I go after exes who have girlfriends or let myself fall in love with a married man. I know better. I'm smart and have self respect but most of all I have this thing called morals and ethics. Ah yes pesky ethics!! I tried telling these women how wrong they were but they do not seem to get it and think I am being harsh.
The truth is if they will do it with you, they will do it to you. (Thanks Dr. Phil for that one)
I find the members in this email group take her work too seriously and focus too much on being Yin (since that is what they have chosen... the concept of the book involves choosing an energy style - yin or yang). I find they try too hard and complain alot about their mistakes. I personally think you need to just accept who you are and not try to be someone you are not. You lose so much of who you are when you try to follow these rules and try and be perfect.
Anyways, I will take some of her advice and use what works for me because I think the book has some useful points. I will also take from the other book as well whatever tips that will help me out.
I don't think I will follow GTID strategies on getting a commitment from a man or how to get them to marry you. In WMMB, the author states you can get a man to propose without even using the M-word.
And isn't that what men really want? Don't they really want to believe marrying a woman was THEIR idea? What kind of person would I be if I insisted on it??!!
I know for me, the best thing I have been doing is dating multiple men and letting them chase after me and pretty much not having sex too early. Following those pieces of advice has helped me out alot and so that's probably why I don't stress as much on what I say to men or how I act since I am overall a good person.
I have previously informed my wonderful readers that I have been following a book entitled Getting to I Do by Patricia Allen as it is a relationship book to help you use the right strategies to get married.
I recently read Why Men Marry Bitches by Sherri Argov and I personally found this to be a more simple strategy. It, like many other dating books, point out how the woman has to let the man chase her in the beginning but also to live your own life and make yourself happy first. (duh...that's what I've been doing for the past 30 years so I've gotten that covered)
I liked the part where she points out how the woman acts after sex is what is important and that to be cool and calm and move on with your life and not get so attached to the man and basically let him come after you.
I liked that advice since I never have read anywhere or heard anyone talk about how to behave AFTER sex. I am not sure how I act after sex since it's been so long but I don't think I was overly clingy anyways. Although I like to cuddle for a bit after it's over.
In Pat's book she talks about giving the man the exclusive talk after you've been dating for a while and he wants to take things on a physical level. Namely, you ask to be exclusive and monogamous and expect this to be continuous and not a one night stand. Also to state your desire that you are eventually looking to get married, although it may not be with him.
I thought about this and I realized if I were a man and a woman I dated started talking to me like that, I'd probably just say yes to shut her up, even if I wasn't willing to marry and I already knew I wasn't willing to marry her.
Some woman has to be the woman before the Wife. It just might be you!
No worries!
The reality is guys will say anything to get into your pants and you can't be so fixated on getting married, that you forget to screen and scrutinize your suitors. You have to look for someone whose company you enjoy.
Besides if you bug a man for marriage early on, it'll make him less likely to want to do it. Much like in real life, if you nag people or pester people, it makes them not want to do that very thing you want them to do!
I am in an email group for people following the Pat Allen strategies but I am thinking of leaving that group. Some of these women are desperate losers. One of them is still pining for her ex and he is already in a relationship with another woman who is more then 15 years younger then him. She's let him recontact her at least 3 times since she dumped him. The new girlfriend even snooped through his email to contact her and she actually had conversations with the new girlfriend. If that were me being contacted, especially by the new girlfriend I'd say 'get lost!'
It's called moving on. You are now just 'the other woman'.
You never will know how to be a winner unless you know how to accept loss!!
This sad soul is in her early 40s by the way.
There is another woman as well who is 53 and was recently telling us of a married man whom she fell in love with whom she met online but naively didn't know he was married. There is another man whom she rejected back in the day and he married and had kids and has entered her life and I think she maybe thinks they might hook up.
Ummm, does marriage not mean anything to these women?
But isn't it ironic though, these women who so desperately want marriage, think it's okay to interfere with men who are already in monogamous relationships, whether they are married or not.
I don't know but I have never been in a situation like this where I go after exes who have girlfriends or let myself fall in love with a married man. I know better. I'm smart and have self respect but most of all I have this thing called morals and ethics. Ah yes pesky ethics!! I tried telling these women how wrong they were but they do not seem to get it and think I am being harsh.
The truth is if they will do it with you, they will do it to you. (Thanks Dr. Phil for that one)
I find the members in this email group take her work too seriously and focus too much on being Yin (since that is what they have chosen... the concept of the book involves choosing an energy style - yin or yang). I find they try too hard and complain alot about their mistakes. I personally think you need to just accept who you are and not try to be someone you are not. You lose so much of who you are when you try to follow these rules and try and be perfect.
Anyways, I will take some of her advice and use what works for me because I think the book has some useful points. I will also take from the other book as well whatever tips that will help me out.
I don't think I will follow GTID strategies on getting a commitment from a man or how to get them to marry you. In WMMB, the author states you can get a man to propose without even using the M-word.
And isn't that what men really want? Don't they really want to believe marrying a woman was THEIR idea? What kind of person would I be if I insisted on it??!!
I know for me, the best thing I have been doing is dating multiple men and letting them chase after me and pretty much not having sex too early. Following those pieces of advice has helped me out alot and so that's probably why I don't stress as much on what I say to men or how I act since I am overall a good person.
Roommate Update
Greetings all,
Well my roommate had her party on Friday and I thought she would do the right thing and finally do the dishes she has stopped doing since january 13th. I arrived home at 2.30 am and thankfully the party was over. Two of her friends slept on her couches.
The roommate did some cleaning up, like took some bottles away and wiped down my glass dining table but the place was still messy.
When I went to have breakfast, I noticed that the large plates that she normally uses were not there. So I wondered, where are my dishes then since they were no longer in her sink and I assumed she did them? I opened the sink cupboard and lo and behold are her dirty dishes!
So yesterday I took away some of the remaining dishes and saw that she used a couple of my small coffee mugs, you know the ones for cappucino? I figured she probably would start cleaning but since she hasn't, I took away pretty much all the dishes and left only what utensils were remaining, like the knives, forks, etc.
I think that's pretty sad and pathetic for a 27 year old woman to be doing that and it's sad that I've had to do this. I feel like I am disciplining a child. It is absurd.
It gets me angry though but I am trying to relax because she wins if I am angry. I am tired of her and look forward to her ugly ass out of my place. I will have to find out from the supers when she booked the elevator.
While I was having breakfast Saturday morning, I was scanning my book shelf as it is in the common area and noticed someone stole my Peach Schnapps. I don't drink often but certainly do not appreciate some punk stealing my alcohol.
Six more days! Counting the days!
Well my roommate had her party on Friday and I thought she would do the right thing and finally do the dishes she has stopped doing since january 13th. I arrived home at 2.30 am and thankfully the party was over. Two of her friends slept on her couches.
The roommate did some cleaning up, like took some bottles away and wiped down my glass dining table but the place was still messy.
When I went to have breakfast, I noticed that the large plates that she normally uses were not there. So I wondered, where are my dishes then since they were no longer in her sink and I assumed she did them? I opened the sink cupboard and lo and behold are her dirty dishes!
So yesterday I took away some of the remaining dishes and saw that she used a couple of my small coffee mugs, you know the ones for cappucino? I figured she probably would start cleaning but since she hasn't, I took away pretty much all the dishes and left only what utensils were remaining, like the knives, forks, etc.
I think that's pretty sad and pathetic for a 27 year old woman to be doing that and it's sad that I've had to do this. I feel like I am disciplining a child. It is absurd.
It gets me angry though but I am trying to relax because she wins if I am angry. I am tired of her and look forward to her ugly ass out of my place. I will have to find out from the supers when she booked the elevator.
While I was having breakfast Saturday morning, I was scanning my book shelf as it is in the common area and noticed someone stole my Peach Schnapps. I don't drink often but certainly do not appreciate some punk stealing my alcohol.
Six more days! Counting the days!
Stomach Flu?
Greetings all,
I think I got a stomach flu on Saturday night. I went over to a friend's and my stomach was starting to ache and we were playing Rockband. My favourite is the drums so I always make sure I get to play that since I always enjoy hitting things.
The night didn't end well since my dinner chose to revisit me. I went home only to see more of my dinner revisiting me.
My stomach hurt for Sunday and Monday. I was better on Monday and now my stomach has mild pain. I had a fever as well on Sunday. I am not sure if this was food poisoning or a stomach flu but I read the symptoms for stomach flu and not food poisoning so that's why I figure it must be the stomach flu.
I am quite tired now but I am going out since I have been cooped up for 2 days.
I have never been sick like this as my stomach has never caused problems for me.
I think I got a stomach flu on Saturday night. I went over to a friend's and my stomach was starting to ache and we were playing Rockband. My favourite is the drums so I always make sure I get to play that since I always enjoy hitting things.
The night didn't end well since my dinner chose to revisit me. I went home only to see more of my dinner revisiting me.
My stomach hurt for Sunday and Monday. I was better on Monday and now my stomach has mild pain. I had a fever as well on Sunday. I am not sure if this was food poisoning or a stomach flu but I read the symptoms for stomach flu and not food poisoning so that's why I figure it must be the stomach flu.
I am quite tired now but I am going out since I have been cooped up for 2 days.
I have never been sick like this as my stomach has never caused problems for me.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
The Blair Witch Project
Greetings all,
I was actually watching the Blair Witch project at my friend's last night. I never actually watched it when it first came out 10 years. I was in high school and it seemed like everyone was talking about it.
I think the concept of the movie was decent and thought it was put together well enough but the realist in me just gets angry at the choices the characters make in the film. This movie is a mockumentary and so is imitating the style of documentaries.
I don't know how old the characters are supposed to be in the movie but I am assuming they are supposed to be around 25. They all looked like they were people who probably finished high school and bummed around for a few years and then decided to go back to school so they don't seem too naive to me and the Heather chick just looked old so I figured she was a mature student like the rest of her crew mates.
I worked up in Yellowknife back in 2003 for the summer so I know a bit about the reality of being out in the bush and although they are supposed to be film makers, they were not well prepared for life in the bush.
First of all, if you are going into an area where there are no trails, you use trail markers to help you find your way back so that you don't get lost. These idiots probably wouldn't have gotten so lost if they just brought fucking trail markers!!!
Secondly, the crew seemed like a bunch of wimps. Especially that Michael guy.
oooooooo you're lost Michael, now you gotta pull a hissy fit and make a big scene about being lost! What kind of man whines about being lost? You're never lost if you are a man, there is always a way out.
Honestly, if you are lost, what good does it do to yell and freak out? Then eventually Heather yells at him and has her dramatic freak out.
People, what ever happened to team work and to toughing it out!!!
Stick together and shut the fuck up!
They had a compass too and you mean to tell me they couldn't find their way out?
There was a river too and they could have just walked along side the river, either up stream or down stream, depending on where it would go. Everyone knows most rivers don't go in a circle!
So as you can see, I was very angry watching this movie.
I didn't even see them eat and I think that angered me as well. How can you be out on the bush doing all this hiking without eating??? You need to eat! Maybe Michael was so angry about being lost because he was really hungry.
Finally the ending I did not like. What are these idiots doing going into an abandoned house at night? You guys just lost Josh and are asking for trouble! The screaming at the end by Heather was cliched as well. Like okay, we get it you are scared. But nobody made you go into this abandoned house at night eh!
I hated this movie by the way...
I was actually watching the Blair Witch project at my friend's last night. I never actually watched it when it first came out 10 years. I was in high school and it seemed like everyone was talking about it.
I think the concept of the movie was decent and thought it was put together well enough but the realist in me just gets angry at the choices the characters make in the film. This movie is a mockumentary and so is imitating the style of documentaries.
I don't know how old the characters are supposed to be in the movie but I am assuming they are supposed to be around 25. They all looked like they were people who probably finished high school and bummed around for a few years and then decided to go back to school so they don't seem too naive to me and the Heather chick just looked old so I figured she was a mature student like the rest of her crew mates.
I worked up in Yellowknife back in 2003 for the summer so I know a bit about the reality of being out in the bush and although they are supposed to be film makers, they were not well prepared for life in the bush.
First of all, if you are going into an area where there are no trails, you use trail markers to help you find your way back so that you don't get lost. These idiots probably wouldn't have gotten so lost if they just brought fucking trail markers!!!
Secondly, the crew seemed like a bunch of wimps. Especially that Michael guy.
oooooooo you're lost Michael, now you gotta pull a hissy fit and make a big scene about being lost! What kind of man whines about being lost? You're never lost if you are a man, there is always a way out.
Honestly, if you are lost, what good does it do to yell and freak out? Then eventually Heather yells at him and has her dramatic freak out.
People, what ever happened to team work and to toughing it out!!!
Stick together and shut the fuck up!
They had a compass too and you mean to tell me they couldn't find their way out?
There was a river too and they could have just walked along side the river, either up stream or down stream, depending on where it would go. Everyone knows most rivers don't go in a circle!
So as you can see, I was very angry watching this movie.
I didn't even see them eat and I think that angered me as well. How can you be out on the bush doing all this hiking without eating??? You need to eat! Maybe Michael was so angry about being lost because he was really hungry.
Finally the ending I did not like. What are these idiots doing going into an abandoned house at night? You guys just lost Josh and are asking for trouble! The screaming at the end by Heather was cliched as well. Like okay, we get it you are scared. But nobody made you go into this abandoned house at night eh!
I hated this movie by the way...
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Can a Dumbass Outsmart a Self Professed Genius?
Greetings all,
Well last night I went out and the roommate was taping up some boxes and our neighbor across from us was helping her (why... she must have been brainwashed to!). As I put my coat on the roommate, again in an attempt to piss me off, said she is glad to be getting out of here.
You know I'm probably the best roommate one could possibly have because I, 1. am laid back 2. am financially responsible 3. nice and willing to compromise and 4. keep things fairly clean and organized.
It annoys me because I know I have been a good person during her stay here and she just doesn't seem to appreciate me. I am not someone who gives and gives but I think I was respectful enough towards her and here she is continuously disrespecting me. I am aware that is her issue and I do not need to look to her to know that I am a good person.
Anyways, she is having her party on Friday so I am hoping it doesn't get out of hand. It usually doesn't so I will just keep to myself and hopefully go out as well.
When I came back, most of her boxes were gone and she finally took out the garbage. I figure for her party she will do her dishes. At this point I am just keeping to myself and praying to the good Lord to protect my furniture and belongings.
I realized last night as I was making my way out to a meetup that she probably only said that she was staying until the 15th because that's what she's paid for as a trick to get me to give her back the deposit. Since I've lived with her, I know she is one of these people that just can't seem to accept a loss graciously and so I know she has been plotting with her friends and perhaps family to figure out how to get the deposit back.
In my mind, I am entitled to 6 weeks notice and so I am keeping the deposit. She must think I am stupid or something but I am not compromising. I am sure she will be out by the 1st. I think perhaps the worst is over. She may be realizing that I will not give in to her childish ways.
I spoke to a lawyer yesterday and he said I could change the locks on her without notice but I may be at risk to be taken to court since it was not written in the contract. So that is something to keep in mind folks if you have someone move in with you to include a clause for changing the locks without notice.
I think even if I were to change the locks, I just think it would make things worse. This is what is odd for me to accept. All I really have to do is keep staying calm and do nothing and not enforce the rules in the contract. As much as I want to clarify things to her again, she doesn't want to listen and there is no point trying to force someone to listen when they aren't even there emotionally and are just in an unstable emotional state.
Well last night I went out and the roommate was taping up some boxes and our neighbor across from us was helping her (why... she must have been brainwashed to!). As I put my coat on the roommate, again in an attempt to piss me off, said she is glad to be getting out of here.
You know I'm probably the best roommate one could possibly have because I, 1. am laid back 2. am financially responsible 3. nice and willing to compromise and 4. keep things fairly clean and organized.
It annoys me because I know I have been a good person during her stay here and she just doesn't seem to appreciate me. I am not someone who gives and gives but I think I was respectful enough towards her and here she is continuously disrespecting me. I am aware that is her issue and I do not need to look to her to know that I am a good person.
Anyways, she is having her party on Friday so I am hoping it doesn't get out of hand. It usually doesn't so I will just keep to myself and hopefully go out as well.
When I came back, most of her boxes were gone and she finally took out the garbage. I figure for her party she will do her dishes. At this point I am just keeping to myself and praying to the good Lord to protect my furniture and belongings.
I realized last night as I was making my way out to a meetup that she probably only said that she was staying until the 15th because that's what she's paid for as a trick to get me to give her back the deposit. Since I've lived with her, I know she is one of these people that just can't seem to accept a loss graciously and so I know she has been plotting with her friends and perhaps family to figure out how to get the deposit back.
In my mind, I am entitled to 6 weeks notice and so I am keeping the deposit. She must think I am stupid or something but I am not compromising. I am sure she will be out by the 1st. I think perhaps the worst is over. She may be realizing that I will not give in to her childish ways.
I spoke to a lawyer yesterday and he said I could change the locks on her without notice but I may be at risk to be taken to court since it was not written in the contract. So that is something to keep in mind folks if you have someone move in with you to include a clause for changing the locks without notice.
I think even if I were to change the locks, I just think it would make things worse. This is what is odd for me to accept. All I really have to do is keep staying calm and do nothing and not enforce the rules in the contract. As much as I want to clarify things to her again, she doesn't want to listen and there is no point trying to force someone to listen when they aren't even there emotionally and are just in an unstable emotional state.
The Necessity of Rules and Structure
Greetings all,
I have been thinking about this concept of structure and rules. I have always been a bit of a rebellious person and usually despised structure and rules because I always felt they were stifling. As a creative person, rules and order seemed evil.
I have grown up over these past few years and have begun to see that having structure and rules in one's life does not have to lead to stifling of creativity.
I never liked the way this Western society was structured. It was too rigid for me and I always felt like there's more to life then just doing things by the book - doing the whole typical go to school, get a job, get married, have kids, retire and die. I think in my search for meaning in this life I did realize that there is nothing wrong with pursuing those things because pursuing those things can lead to happiness.
I guess it boils down to creating a life that you desire and many of us actually desire the same things. Being fulfilled, love, friendship, etc. All these inner qualities must manifest in the physical world to attain true happiness. You can't have one without the other. You can't just have the inner qualities without the materialized and you can't have some material object or desire without some understanding of your inner world.
I think the simplest example from my own personal life is that of my desire for a companion and love. I have many lovely and supportive friends but there is that feeling of missing something. Some people may be happy to be single but it causes me a certain discomfort. I am still happy for the most part but having that companion would make things happier for me. You can never have too much happiness! This inner desire can only be fulfilled when the corresponding materialization appears.
Anyways, I see structures like governments and businesses as just inevitable. I think I got over my detest over the government early on because I understand why we have governments. They are necessary structures to have to keep humans organized. We have so many people in a country and there has to be a way to organize things to maintain some level of peace and order. There are always going to be people trying to organize ways that are unhealthy and destructive but the ideal is to have these structures that foster healthy human behaviour and the peak of attaining a structure and system is one where people feel freedom and feel in control of their own lives.
I guess if you look at countries in the world where there is a lack of government, there is quite a lot of violence, ignorance and disorder. There's that as well in democratic countries but not to the same degree. There is still that sense of law, order and justice. I see the lack of democratic government in these nations as well as a result of a lack of education but does not the desire for education stem from the realization of needing things to be organized? To have structure?
I probably have more to say on this topic but perhaps another time.
I have been thinking about this concept of structure and rules. I have always been a bit of a rebellious person and usually despised structure and rules because I always felt they were stifling. As a creative person, rules and order seemed evil.
I have grown up over these past few years and have begun to see that having structure and rules in one's life does not have to lead to stifling of creativity.
I never liked the way this Western society was structured. It was too rigid for me and I always felt like there's more to life then just doing things by the book - doing the whole typical go to school, get a job, get married, have kids, retire and die. I think in my search for meaning in this life I did realize that there is nothing wrong with pursuing those things because pursuing those things can lead to happiness.
I guess it boils down to creating a life that you desire and many of us actually desire the same things. Being fulfilled, love, friendship, etc. All these inner qualities must manifest in the physical world to attain true happiness. You can't have one without the other. You can't just have the inner qualities without the materialized and you can't have some material object or desire without some understanding of your inner world.
I think the simplest example from my own personal life is that of my desire for a companion and love. I have many lovely and supportive friends but there is that feeling of missing something. Some people may be happy to be single but it causes me a certain discomfort. I am still happy for the most part but having that companion would make things happier for me. You can never have too much happiness! This inner desire can only be fulfilled when the corresponding materialization appears.
Anyways, I see structures like governments and businesses as just inevitable. I think I got over my detest over the government early on because I understand why we have governments. They are necessary structures to have to keep humans organized. We have so many people in a country and there has to be a way to organize things to maintain some level of peace and order. There are always going to be people trying to organize ways that are unhealthy and destructive but the ideal is to have these structures that foster healthy human behaviour and the peak of attaining a structure and system is one where people feel freedom and feel in control of their own lives.
I guess if you look at countries in the world where there is a lack of government, there is quite a lot of violence, ignorance and disorder. There's that as well in democratic countries but not to the same degree. There is still that sense of law, order and justice. I see the lack of democratic government in these nations as well as a result of a lack of education but does not the desire for education stem from the realization of needing things to be organized? To have structure?
I probably have more to say on this topic but perhaps another time.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Messages from Someone with Issues
I will just let these photos speak for themselves!
Bosley is her dog.
The red cup she wanted me to replace. I just washed it instead. Good as new!
I was using her desk chair since she moved in since she got rid of her desk.
I think she feels this message was worth posting twice to me.
Someone does not want to take out the trash
Someone has been not doing dishes since the cops were called
Smoking is not allowed as stated in contract but someone is retaliating because the cops were called
The roommate says she will stay until the 15th of February unless I give her the deposit back (we were told by the police to not speak to each other anyways). She told me this last night and I politely told her to take out the garbage and dishes. She just had to write this the next day.
Bosley is her dog.
The red cup she wanted me to replace. I just washed it instead. Good as new!
I was using her desk chair since she moved in since she got rid of her desk.
I think she feels this message was worth posting twice to me.
Someone does not want to take out the trash
Someone has been not doing dishes since the cops were called
Smoking is not allowed as stated in contract but someone is retaliating because the cops were called
The roommate says she will stay until the 15th of February unless I give her the deposit back (we were told by the police to not speak to each other anyways). She told me this last night and I politely told her to take out the garbage and dishes. She just had to write this the next day.
Monday, January 19, 2009
One of those Days
Greetings all,
You know there are some days where nothing bothers me and I am highly confident. Well today has not been one of those days. I'm sure I'll get back to being my normal confident self soon but things are looking rough for me.
Everything just seems hopeless and bleak and I feel like I'll never achieve my goals and dreams. I'll just be in this state of endless searching and never acquiring what I desire deep in my heart.
Fear and anxiety are riddling my mind. I must dig deep and keep hope alive.
You know there are some days where nothing bothers me and I am highly confident. Well today has not been one of those days. I'm sure I'll get back to being my normal confident self soon but things are looking rough for me.
Everything just seems hopeless and bleak and I feel like I'll never achieve my goals and dreams. I'll just be in this state of endless searching and never acquiring what I desire deep in my heart.
Fear and anxiety are riddling my mind. I must dig deep and keep hope alive.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
The Last Straw - The Roommate Saga Continues!
Greetings and Salutations all,
I had my birthday gathering on Saturday and many people didn't show up due to the weather. I had plastic cups and I accidently used one of my roommates since mine were at the back of the cupboard. She went ballistic on me again the next day and I tried to explain that it was an accident.
I had sent her an email earlier saying to clear her stuff in the living and her dog's toys. She never cleared her dog's toys and there were empty boxes in the kitchen with some empty beer and wine bottles. I found them to be unsightly and although I never told her to put them away, I decided they shouldn't be there and so I put some on her book shelf and the 2 big boxes in her room, along with the dog toys. Of course she has her little fit when she comes home and yells 'Paula stay the fuck out of my room'. I really don't know why she acts that way. Does she really think she is scaring me? I open my door, only to find that she has all the boxes and toys all out in the hallway, making a mess.
Here's what the boxes looked like in the kitchen when she put them back. It looked like this before as well so it's understandable why I would put them away.
So she demands that I replace her beer cups. I only used one and so I washed it... but she continued to demand that I replace it. She writes on the whiteboard 1. beer cups 2. deposit. I erase this and she writes it back up again on the board.
I went out to a meetup on Monday night and left early to wonder the downtown of Oakville because being in my apartment has been so stressful. When I returned home the roommate was still demanding the deposit and that I replace her beercups. I already washed the one cup that I communicated to her that I mistakenly used. She told me in a threatening manner that she will make the next 3 weeks difficult for me. She wasn't saying this nicely. She was yelling to me. I had to contact the police on Monday night and so they had talked to me and to her. I was shaking and scared. She is terrorizing me and making me feel unsafe and I had enough. I am not sure the cops understood what I was feeling because I didn't just call the cops for no reason. She was bullying me and there was nothing that I was saying that was sinking in and she just kept behaving worse and worse. I felt verbally assaulted and frankly I think it should be illegal to yell at someone.
I went out for my birthday with my family yesterday. When I came home from my parents and took a bath my roommate was calling a friend and deliberately talking about me and how I have gone off the deep end. She said once she gets the police report, she is going to file a civil suit against me. She was telling her friend as well that the cop thought I was crazy. I will have to see what they wrote in the report because she seems to think it made me look like the crazy person. She was saying to her friend that she is worried I will hack her dog so she is going to keep him in her room.Since I have 2 mentally ill brothers with schizophrenia, she said 'now her parents have 3 crazy children'. So like a bully - to use information gained against the person to cause harm.
She also started smoking in the house. I smelled it yesterday and saw her smoking today. She is not allowed to smoke because that was what was written in the contract. I just started documenting things as well and taking photos. I will have to take the photo of the ashtray that she left out in the living room.
She was also telling her friend about how I want to be a stand up comic and I'm sure she was making fun of me but I didn't hear. It's pathetic but whatever information I told her, she is using it against me.
She is keeping her dog in her room while she is gone. She wrote on the whiteboard to stay away from her dog. This morning as well she kept telling her dog she is keeping her safe from the crazy lady and when she returned she would ask him if he was safe from the crazy lady.
Today she slammed her bedroom door really hard as I came out of the bathroom. Not once though, twice about 10 minutes later. To prove a point I'm sure but it just makes her look like an ass.
Also she hasn't been doing her dishes and has not been taking out the garbage in the kitchen. She stuffed the trash can and it is overflowing with garbage.
I have come to the conclusion that on some level she is jealous of me and ever since that day where I wouldn't switch rooms with her so she can put her couches, she has been power tripping on me. Someone pointed out to me that she wanted my room because she wants what I have.
She has been packing since yesterday and I look forward to her leaving.
I think she is lame and fucked up. A bully and a pathetic one when she doesn't get her way.
I had my birthday gathering on Saturday and many people didn't show up due to the weather. I had plastic cups and I accidently used one of my roommates since mine were at the back of the cupboard. She went ballistic on me again the next day and I tried to explain that it was an accident.
I had sent her an email earlier saying to clear her stuff in the living and her dog's toys. She never cleared her dog's toys and there were empty boxes in the kitchen with some empty beer and wine bottles. I found them to be unsightly and although I never told her to put them away, I decided they shouldn't be there and so I put some on her book shelf and the 2 big boxes in her room, along with the dog toys. Of course she has her little fit when she comes home and yells 'Paula stay the fuck out of my room'. I really don't know why she acts that way. Does she really think she is scaring me? I open my door, only to find that she has all the boxes and toys all out in the hallway, making a mess.
Here's what the boxes looked like in the kitchen when she put them back. It looked like this before as well so it's understandable why I would put them away.
So she demands that I replace her beer cups. I only used one and so I washed it... but she continued to demand that I replace it. She writes on the whiteboard 1. beer cups 2. deposit. I erase this and she writes it back up again on the board.
I went out to a meetup on Monday night and left early to wonder the downtown of Oakville because being in my apartment has been so stressful. When I returned home the roommate was still demanding the deposit and that I replace her beercups. I already washed the one cup that I communicated to her that I mistakenly used. She told me in a threatening manner that she will make the next 3 weeks difficult for me. She wasn't saying this nicely. She was yelling to me. I had to contact the police on Monday night and so they had talked to me and to her. I was shaking and scared. She is terrorizing me and making me feel unsafe and I had enough. I am not sure the cops understood what I was feeling because I didn't just call the cops for no reason. She was bullying me and there was nothing that I was saying that was sinking in and she just kept behaving worse and worse. I felt verbally assaulted and frankly I think it should be illegal to yell at someone.
I went out for my birthday with my family yesterday. When I came home from my parents and took a bath my roommate was calling a friend and deliberately talking about me and how I have gone off the deep end. She said once she gets the police report, she is going to file a civil suit against me. She was telling her friend as well that the cop thought I was crazy. I will have to see what they wrote in the report because she seems to think it made me look like the crazy person. She was saying to her friend that she is worried I will hack her dog so she is going to keep him in her room.Since I have 2 mentally ill brothers with schizophrenia, she said 'now her parents have 3 crazy children'. So like a bully - to use information gained against the person to cause harm.
She also started smoking in the house. I smelled it yesterday and saw her smoking today. She is not allowed to smoke because that was what was written in the contract. I just started documenting things as well and taking photos. I will have to take the photo of the ashtray that she left out in the living room.
She was also telling her friend about how I want to be a stand up comic and I'm sure she was making fun of me but I didn't hear. It's pathetic but whatever information I told her, she is using it against me.
She is keeping her dog in her room while she is gone. She wrote on the whiteboard to stay away from her dog. This morning as well she kept telling her dog she is keeping her safe from the crazy lady and when she returned she would ask him if he was safe from the crazy lady.
Today she slammed her bedroom door really hard as I came out of the bathroom. Not once though, twice about 10 minutes later. To prove a point I'm sure but it just makes her look like an ass.
Also she hasn't been doing her dishes and has not been taking out the garbage in the kitchen. She stuffed the trash can and it is overflowing with garbage.
I have come to the conclusion that on some level she is jealous of me and ever since that day where I wouldn't switch rooms with her so she can put her couches, she has been power tripping on me. Someone pointed out to me that she wanted my room because she wants what I have.
She has been packing since yesterday and I look forward to her leaving.
I think she is lame and fucked up. A bully and a pathetic one when she doesn't get her way.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Happy Birthday to Me!
Greetings all,
Today is my 30th birthday and it is snowing, much like the day that I entered this world, 30 years ago.
Today I will try to forget my worries and enjoy a nice dinner with my family.
Today is my 30th birthday and it is snowing, much like the day that I entered this world, 30 years ago.
Today I will try to forget my worries and enjoy a nice dinner with my family.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Drinking Wine at a Young Age
Greetings all,
I was on a date last night and was talking to the guy about how my family grew up drinking wine at the table and so for me, I was never really into getting drunk and neither were my brothers.
My family is Italian and I remember having wine with my gingerale all the time as a young child. I am not sure how old I was when I started drinking wine but I do remember probably around the ages of 9-12 (I really can't be sure so I will give it a good range) and telling my mom at the supper table that I was no longer interested in drinking wine.
And that was the day that I stopped drinking wine at supper.
My parents never made drinking a taboo. I always wondered if this was why growing up I never understood the whole concept of getting wasted and drunk. I remember in high school hearing people talk about how much beers they can drink. I wasn't impressed. They can claim to drink 10 beers at what, 4.5% alcohol? I was drinking approximately 8-14% alcohol when I was a child! Beat that!
Seriously, it never made sense to me to brag about how much beers you can drink before you get drunk. If you really wanted to get drunk, wouldn't it make sense to drink beverages that have a high alcohol content?
I'm an efficient drunk (I've probably only gotten drunk twice but I would rather get a good buzz). I don't waste time drinking all these wimpy drinks. If I want to get drunk, I go for 10% beer. It tastes alright. I usually buy the foreign kind from like Amsterdam or Germany. It gets the job done usually in one and a half bottles, if I drink it quickly enough.
I think I have other relatives as well that served wine at dinner. It looks like most of them as well aren't big drinkers but I'd probably have to ask to find out. I just know in my family we are not.
Since I don't drink wine at the table anymore, maybe I will have to once I have kids so that they don't think drinking is a taboo and will have little desire to become big drinkers!
I was on a date last night and was talking to the guy about how my family grew up drinking wine at the table and so for me, I was never really into getting drunk and neither were my brothers.
My family is Italian and I remember having wine with my gingerale all the time as a young child. I am not sure how old I was when I started drinking wine but I do remember probably around the ages of 9-12 (I really can't be sure so I will give it a good range) and telling my mom at the supper table that I was no longer interested in drinking wine.
And that was the day that I stopped drinking wine at supper.
My parents never made drinking a taboo. I always wondered if this was why growing up I never understood the whole concept of getting wasted and drunk. I remember in high school hearing people talk about how much beers they can drink. I wasn't impressed. They can claim to drink 10 beers at what, 4.5% alcohol? I was drinking approximately 8-14% alcohol when I was a child! Beat that!
Seriously, it never made sense to me to brag about how much beers you can drink before you get drunk. If you really wanted to get drunk, wouldn't it make sense to drink beverages that have a high alcohol content?
I'm an efficient drunk (I've probably only gotten drunk twice but I would rather get a good buzz). I don't waste time drinking all these wimpy drinks. If I want to get drunk, I go for 10% beer. It tastes alright. I usually buy the foreign kind from like Amsterdam or Germany. It gets the job done usually in one and a half bottles, if I drink it quickly enough.
I think I have other relatives as well that served wine at dinner. It looks like most of them as well aren't big drinkers but I'd probably have to ask to find out. I just know in my family we are not.
Since I don't drink wine at the table anymore, maybe I will have to once I have kids so that they don't think drinking is a taboo and will have little desire to become big drinkers!
Friday, January 09, 2009
No Your Never Gonna Get It!
Greetings all,
The drama with my roommate continues. She told me yesterday she will be out on the 1st of February and expects her deposit back. I said the contract says to give 6 week notice and she said it doesn't matter because my Facebook status update was considered slanderous.
Her dad runs his own business so she claims he knows all about the law. He probably told her that it's slander because he has such an influence in her life. He even told her how to vote and she listened even though she was going to vote for someone else.
She has clearly been having a power struggle with me and for no reason. The apartment is on my name and we signed our own agreement. I'm probably not going to waste my energy chasing after her is she doesn't pay her rent.
I will have to find a place for April so I should be fine, although I will be uber tight on money now, especially since I don't have a job.
I told the supers about my situation and there were other people in the office as well, maybe they lived in the building as well. But they agreed that she sounds like she is a control freak and on a power struggle after I told them that her dad runs his own business and apparently knows alot about law.
When I told the people there how she thinks my facebook status was slander, they thought that was silly and that it's my opinion and that you can't prove it's slanderous (especially since I can delete it from my wall).
This whole experience is causing me a lot of stress. I am a peaceful person. I'm a tree hugger damn it! I am not confrontational but I'm also not going to take abuse from someone.
I told them as well ever since she brought those couches in she has been on some power trip. I think those couches may be cursed!
The drama with my roommate continues. She told me yesterday she will be out on the 1st of February and expects her deposit back. I said the contract says to give 6 week notice and she said it doesn't matter because my Facebook status update was considered slanderous.
Her dad runs his own business so she claims he knows all about the law. He probably told her that it's slander because he has such an influence in her life. He even told her how to vote and she listened even though she was going to vote for someone else.
She has clearly been having a power struggle with me and for no reason. The apartment is on my name and we signed our own agreement. I'm probably not going to waste my energy chasing after her is she doesn't pay her rent.
I will have to find a place for April so I should be fine, although I will be uber tight on money now, especially since I don't have a job.
I told the supers about my situation and there were other people in the office as well, maybe they lived in the building as well. But they agreed that she sounds like she is a control freak and on a power struggle after I told them that her dad runs his own business and apparently knows alot about law.
When I told the people there how she thinks my facebook status was slander, they thought that was silly and that it's my opinion and that you can't prove it's slanderous (especially since I can delete it from my wall).
This whole experience is causing me a lot of stress. I am a peaceful person. I'm a tree hugger damn it! I am not confrontational but I'm also not going to take abuse from someone.
I told them as well ever since she brought those couches in she has been on some power trip. I think those couches may be cursed!
Thursday, January 08, 2009
A Look Back Over My 20s
Greetings all,
My birthday will be coming up soon on January 13th this coming Tuesday and I will be turning the big 3-0. I will be saying goodbye to my 20s and I am a little sad. My 20s was a time where I could get away with being arrogant but since I have been nearing the 30s, I am being forced to quickly get rid of some negative habits that I just can't seem to shake.
I've always considered myself a spiritual person and did believe in leading an ethical life at a young age. I also went through much existential angst in my 20s as well. But at the same time I had lots of work to do on myself and I was aware of it and was working on myself since I began yoga at 18. I knew somewhere in me there was a good, compassionate and prosperous person inside but many times anger and arrogance and general confusion and depression would hide it.
I think by the time I hit 27 or 28, I really started to take things more seriously. In my early 20s, I still wanted to take life seriously and get my life in order because it just felt so chaotic but getting close to 30 made me become more intense about the ideas and goals I had when I was younger.
I have been shedding lots of false ideas since I was 18. Looking at people and myself in a different way and learning how to let go of lots of pain I've had.
I don't have any more excuses now that I'll be 30.
The period from 20-23 was by far what I call my spiritual dark age. I turned to the philosophy called Anthroposophy by Rudolf Steiner. I mention this in a post about my journey of becoming an anthropsophist. I was driven to study Steiner's work for about 6-7 years. He isn't so much a central figure in my life now but I hope to return to him in the future, although I am working on my own Anthroposophical project which I mention here.
I had wanted to end my life many times in my 20s but reading Steiner gave me much spiritual nourishment and so that's why it was so hard to stop reading him. If I didn't have someone introduce me to him, I may not have found the strength to live and may have ended my life. It's hard to explain to people that you feel like you are being put through a test and many times in my early 20s I would experience these pangs of intense pain. I had wanted to die and end my suffering but I knew I couldn't.
I quit first year university. I was quite bright but somehow I felt the world of academics was not where I needed to be. I was tired of just being in school. I wanted to get out into the real world for a change. I started to work in factories and I worked in temp jobs. I didn't want to settle down with a regular job and liked that I could work in different places. But I felt like I had 'fallen from grace'. Here I am someone so smart, couldn't figure out life and what direction I wanted to go in as a career. I was stuck doing work that I felt was beneath me. I'm smart, why the hell am I stuck doing menial work? I knew I didn't want to be in school and this seemed like a karmic burden I had to carry because I was not wanting to go to school.
I had wanted to be a comedian at 16 and tried stand up at my high school and at Yuk Yuk's but I felt so awkward so I just stopped. I was fortunate when I was 21 that I was watching a show called Whose Line is it Anyways? and realized that I could do that and so I looked on the internet to see if there was anywhere I could try improv and I found a place called The Staircase and so I began my journey as an improviser. I obsessed over improv because I knew I could be good at it but I held back alot. I was quite afraid and many times sat on the bench. I was in my head too much. Second guessing myself all the time. Over time eventually I overcame this, although I might sometimes have a relapse.
I was a bit of a loner in my teens but my 20s I made the step towards being socialable and interacting with people more. It was hard. It seemed everyone else had an easier time expressing themselves but I was just stuck in my head. I find for me it was easier socializing on a one-on-one basis rather then in a group but eventually I learned how to interact with people more positively. I was probably very angry as well and I'm not sure but I think people probably sensed that in me and probably were uncomfortable with me to some degree. Or maybe they didn't notice, I'm not sure either.
I began exploring sexually by the time I hit 23 and I had lots of unexpressed sexual energy. I had a few boyfriends but many of my relationships were brief, usually ending around 3 months of dating. I was always a little bitter about the fact that I never had my first boyfriend until I was 19. Most people have sex and maybe even a kid by that point. I was almost like a man and I didn't care about being in a loving relationship. I just wanted sex and nothing more. I had a couple of friends with benefits. One that maybe lasted for a few months and then ended. Another was where we started out dating but it didn't work out after 8 months. I didn't want the sex to end and so we agreed to continue having sex. I had dated a few people during that period and would go back to him. I was quite sad when my special friend ended up ending our friendship for the new woman in his life. We were friends for 5 years. I always thought we were genuinely friends since we did have times where we just hung out in a non sexual manner.
I eventually came across a book last summer entitled Getting to I Do by Patricia Allen and had to seriously evaluate what the hell I wanted. I was at the point where I was wanting a relationship and figured I must be doing something wrong because things weren't working out the way I wanted to with a prospect I was interested in (aka English Muffin). The book pointed out how having sex prematurely is not good if you want a long term relationship. I had to sadly realize that if I wanted a serious relationship, I had to put a lid on my libido. I reluctantly did but I had a good reason. I wanted love and when I believe in something, I am willing to do what it takes to get the job done. I had an ideal to follow and I had to maintain a sense of purity with my sexuality. No sex without commitment became and is my current mantra.
I started to experience some moments of happiness when I was around 24. I got to eventually work up in Yellowknife for a summer where my job was to help my friend and we did lots of hiking. I was lazy but because it was part of the job to hike, it got me into the habit of enjoying walking, which I still do today.
I eventually settled down on temp work and was at one job for just over a year. Which for me is quite a long time. After getting laid off I took a few months off and I had a few jobs that didn't work out. I discovered qigong as well when I was 26 and explored many different styles and found myself sticking to the style called Tibetan Solar Qigong. I was no longer attracted to yoga, although recently I have gone back to doing kundalini yoga exercises. I also eventually discovered mantras probably around the same time and since that time I made mantra a part of my spiritual practice. I eventually landed my recent job, where I eventually got laid off again after 2 years.
Around 27 or 28 I kept seeing myself on stage - by myself. I wanted to try stand up again but had so many doubts. I kept improvising regularly but improv was not consistent were I was practising. I eventually got over my intense fears and doubts and finally got to do a stand up show last year after a 10 year hiatus. For me, getting started is the hardest part
It seems like everything in my life happens slower then everyone else and that always bothered me. I haven't achieved the success I desire but now is my time. I desire a life as a comedian, creative performer. I desire a husband, a companion, someone to share my life with. I long for inner and world peace and to be someone that is highly respected. I want to give back to this world, to do some sort of community work or to volunteer.
I have spent my 20s working away on myself and I feel I have set a firm foundation on which to build my life upon. I have worked to plant positive seeds and I know they will bloom soon. I am sad to say goodbye to my 20s but I am looking forward to the fruits that will blossom in my 30s. I long for earthly and spiritual joys and my Golden Age shall begin.
My birthday will be coming up soon on January 13th this coming Tuesday and I will be turning the big 3-0. I will be saying goodbye to my 20s and I am a little sad. My 20s was a time where I could get away with being arrogant but since I have been nearing the 30s, I am being forced to quickly get rid of some negative habits that I just can't seem to shake.
I've always considered myself a spiritual person and did believe in leading an ethical life at a young age. I also went through much existential angst in my 20s as well. But at the same time I had lots of work to do on myself and I was aware of it and was working on myself since I began yoga at 18. I knew somewhere in me there was a good, compassionate and prosperous person inside but many times anger and arrogance and general confusion and depression would hide it.
I think by the time I hit 27 or 28, I really started to take things more seriously. In my early 20s, I still wanted to take life seriously and get my life in order because it just felt so chaotic but getting close to 30 made me become more intense about the ideas and goals I had when I was younger.
I have been shedding lots of false ideas since I was 18. Looking at people and myself in a different way and learning how to let go of lots of pain I've had.
I don't have any more excuses now that I'll be 30.
The period from 20-23 was by far what I call my spiritual dark age. I turned to the philosophy called Anthroposophy by Rudolf Steiner. I mention this in a post about my journey of becoming an anthropsophist. I was driven to study Steiner's work for about 6-7 years. He isn't so much a central figure in my life now but I hope to return to him in the future, although I am working on my own Anthroposophical project which I mention here.
I had wanted to end my life many times in my 20s but reading Steiner gave me much spiritual nourishment and so that's why it was so hard to stop reading him. If I didn't have someone introduce me to him, I may not have found the strength to live and may have ended my life. It's hard to explain to people that you feel like you are being put through a test and many times in my early 20s I would experience these pangs of intense pain. I had wanted to die and end my suffering but I knew I couldn't.
I quit first year university. I was quite bright but somehow I felt the world of academics was not where I needed to be. I was tired of just being in school. I wanted to get out into the real world for a change. I started to work in factories and I worked in temp jobs. I didn't want to settle down with a regular job and liked that I could work in different places. But I felt like I had 'fallen from grace'. Here I am someone so smart, couldn't figure out life and what direction I wanted to go in as a career. I was stuck doing work that I felt was beneath me. I'm smart, why the hell am I stuck doing menial work? I knew I didn't want to be in school and this seemed like a karmic burden I had to carry because I was not wanting to go to school.
I had wanted to be a comedian at 16 and tried stand up at my high school and at Yuk Yuk's but I felt so awkward so I just stopped. I was fortunate when I was 21 that I was watching a show called Whose Line is it Anyways? and realized that I could do that and so I looked on the internet to see if there was anywhere I could try improv and I found a place called The Staircase and so I began my journey as an improviser. I obsessed over improv because I knew I could be good at it but I held back alot. I was quite afraid and many times sat on the bench. I was in my head too much. Second guessing myself all the time. Over time eventually I overcame this, although I might sometimes have a relapse.
I was a bit of a loner in my teens but my 20s I made the step towards being socialable and interacting with people more. It was hard. It seemed everyone else had an easier time expressing themselves but I was just stuck in my head. I find for me it was easier socializing on a one-on-one basis rather then in a group but eventually I learned how to interact with people more positively. I was probably very angry as well and I'm not sure but I think people probably sensed that in me and probably were uncomfortable with me to some degree. Or maybe they didn't notice, I'm not sure either.
I began exploring sexually by the time I hit 23 and I had lots of unexpressed sexual energy. I had a few boyfriends but many of my relationships were brief, usually ending around 3 months of dating. I was always a little bitter about the fact that I never had my first boyfriend until I was 19. Most people have sex and maybe even a kid by that point. I was almost like a man and I didn't care about being in a loving relationship. I just wanted sex and nothing more. I had a couple of friends with benefits. One that maybe lasted for a few months and then ended. Another was where we started out dating but it didn't work out after 8 months. I didn't want the sex to end and so we agreed to continue having sex. I had dated a few people during that period and would go back to him. I was quite sad when my special friend ended up ending our friendship for the new woman in his life. We were friends for 5 years. I always thought we were genuinely friends since we did have times where we just hung out in a non sexual manner.
I eventually came across a book last summer entitled Getting to I Do by Patricia Allen and had to seriously evaluate what the hell I wanted. I was at the point where I was wanting a relationship and figured I must be doing something wrong because things weren't working out the way I wanted to with a prospect I was interested in (aka English Muffin). The book pointed out how having sex prematurely is not good if you want a long term relationship. I had to sadly realize that if I wanted a serious relationship, I had to put a lid on my libido. I reluctantly did but I had a good reason. I wanted love and when I believe in something, I am willing to do what it takes to get the job done. I had an ideal to follow and I had to maintain a sense of purity with my sexuality. No sex without commitment became and is my current mantra.
I started to experience some moments of happiness when I was around 24. I got to eventually work up in Yellowknife for a summer where my job was to help my friend and we did lots of hiking. I was lazy but because it was part of the job to hike, it got me into the habit of enjoying walking, which I still do today.
I eventually settled down on temp work and was at one job for just over a year. Which for me is quite a long time. After getting laid off I took a few months off and I had a few jobs that didn't work out. I discovered qigong as well when I was 26 and explored many different styles and found myself sticking to the style called Tibetan Solar Qigong. I was no longer attracted to yoga, although recently I have gone back to doing kundalini yoga exercises. I also eventually discovered mantras probably around the same time and since that time I made mantra a part of my spiritual practice. I eventually landed my recent job, where I eventually got laid off again after 2 years.
Around 27 or 28 I kept seeing myself on stage - by myself. I wanted to try stand up again but had so many doubts. I kept improvising regularly but improv was not consistent were I was practising. I eventually got over my intense fears and doubts and finally got to do a stand up show last year after a 10 year hiatus. For me, getting started is the hardest part
It seems like everything in my life happens slower then everyone else and that always bothered me. I haven't achieved the success I desire but now is my time. I desire a life as a comedian, creative performer. I desire a husband, a companion, someone to share my life with. I long for inner and world peace and to be someone that is highly respected. I want to give back to this world, to do some sort of community work or to volunteer.
I have spent my 20s working away on myself and I feel I have set a firm foundation on which to build my life upon. I have worked to plant positive seeds and I know they will bloom soon. I am sad to say goodbye to my 20s but I am looking forward to the fruits that will blossom in my 30s. I long for earthly and spiritual joys and my Golden Age shall begin.
Sunday, January 04, 2009
Happy New Year
Greetings all,
It is a new year!
I went out for New Years and ended up going to a dance party. I am part of the site called meetup.com and I'm in a bunch of groups. Two groups had scheduled an event to go out to a party. One of the groups said she was linking up with the other and gave out a # for tickets. It turns out this was for a different party and I RSVPed to the other event, thinking the ticket was good for that event. The one I wanted to go was already sold out and Russell Peters was going to host.
I was quite disappointed but tried to make the best of things. The organizer for the event didn't RSVP to her own event so I thought I'd be going to this event alone but the guy whom I bought my ticket from was there and he said she'd be here so I at least was glad to not spend it alone.
I saw the other meetup group members in line because I didn't realize the hotel where these parties were, had multiple parties going on. I showed them my ticket and they said that it was the right one but when I went back in line, they said it was not the right ticket.
The party I went to had alot of older people and couples over 40 and so I didn't feel comfortable about that. I dressed sexy for guys my age, not to be lusted over by older men!
* * *
My birthday is coming soon and will be on the 13th. I decided to have a party at my place and invited all of my friends from facebook. My roommate won't be around and her birthday is 5 days before mine. When she first moved in she told me that she doesn't want her friends over when she is not around, meaning basically that I couldn't become friends with her friends if she wasn't around. She told me that happened at the last place she moved in and one of her friends started hanging out there when she wasn't with her other roommates and she didn't like that.
I thought that was strange and thought 'don't your friends have their own minds and do what they want?'
Anyways, one of her friends is my friend on facebook. I invited everyone, even those who live in other provinces - mainly because I didn't have time to sort through who lives too far away, etc. I invited her friend and she told me today to remove him from the guest list. I said he can just reply no. And she responds "remember what I told you" in a threatening sort of tone.
I called up my friend because frankly, this is crazy to me and she agreed with me as well. I feel like she is some sort of Hitler and I just don't feel comfortable living with her. I don't even feel like I can relax in my own place when she is around.
I am not sure how to proceed with things because I do want to move to Toronto and don't see the point of kicking her out and getting a new roommate (or not) for 2 or 3 months.
I was told to send her love as a means of protecting myself and to send people love when they hurt you. I am going to have try that because I don't want to fall down to her level.
* * *
Well I talked to my roommate just now. Actually she confronted me. I wrote on my facebook status that I feel like I am living with Hitler and she read that and told me she is going to look for a new place. She bullied me as well asking me how do I bully her? I tried explaining and what not but she is a bully and said I was being childish about my status. She was attacking me and I tried to calmly explain my side but she just kept attacking and digging and interogating. I told her that if she felt like I was bullying her, I would be concerned but she didn't seem concerned that I felt bullied because she doesn't think she is one.
It's hard not to let this bother me but she is going to make me look like the bad guy when she should have looked at how her own behaviour is making me uncomfortable. I told her how I don't feel safe and she just bulldozed through what I said, not paying any attention to my feelings.
I honestly think that a normal person would want to know why this person feels this person is being bullied. I can understand feeling hurt but people don't write those things for no reason.
Dealing with her is like dealing with a rabid Chihuahua.
* * *
You know this was supposed to be the year that everything falls into place for me and so far it sucks! I started to read this book called "Why Men Marry Some Women and Not others". I read some of it yesterday. I feel panicky about ever being able to find the right man to marry. It talked about how women need to start looking for a man at 28. I am only up to chapter 4 but reading it is making me too stressed.
I just got to relax and hope things in my life will work out.
It is a new year!
I went out for New Years and ended up going to a dance party. I am part of the site called meetup.com and I'm in a bunch of groups. Two groups had scheduled an event to go out to a party. One of the groups said she was linking up with the other and gave out a # for tickets. It turns out this was for a different party and I RSVPed to the other event, thinking the ticket was good for that event. The one I wanted to go was already sold out and Russell Peters was going to host.
I was quite disappointed but tried to make the best of things. The organizer for the event didn't RSVP to her own event so I thought I'd be going to this event alone but the guy whom I bought my ticket from was there and he said she'd be here so I at least was glad to not spend it alone.
I saw the other meetup group members in line because I didn't realize the hotel where these parties were, had multiple parties going on. I showed them my ticket and they said that it was the right one but when I went back in line, they said it was not the right ticket.
The party I went to had alot of older people and couples over 40 and so I didn't feel comfortable about that. I dressed sexy for guys my age, not to be lusted over by older men!
My birthday is coming soon and will be on the 13th. I decided to have a party at my place and invited all of my friends from facebook. My roommate won't be around and her birthday is 5 days before mine. When she first moved in she told me that she doesn't want her friends over when she is not around, meaning basically that I couldn't become friends with her friends if she wasn't around. She told me that happened at the last place she moved in and one of her friends started hanging out there when she wasn't with her other roommates and she didn't like that.
I thought that was strange and thought 'don't your friends have their own minds and do what they want?'
Anyways, one of her friends is my friend on facebook. I invited everyone, even those who live in other provinces - mainly because I didn't have time to sort through who lives too far away, etc. I invited her friend and she told me today to remove him from the guest list. I said he can just reply no. And she responds "remember what I told you" in a threatening sort of tone.
I called up my friend because frankly, this is crazy to me and she agreed with me as well. I feel like she is some sort of Hitler and I just don't feel comfortable living with her. I don't even feel like I can relax in my own place when she is around.
I am not sure how to proceed with things because I do want to move to Toronto and don't see the point of kicking her out and getting a new roommate (or not) for 2 or 3 months.
I was told to send her love as a means of protecting myself and to send people love when they hurt you. I am going to have try that because I don't want to fall down to her level.
Well I talked to my roommate just now. Actually she confronted me. I wrote on my facebook status that I feel like I am living with Hitler and she read that and told me she is going to look for a new place. She bullied me as well asking me how do I bully her? I tried explaining and what not but she is a bully and said I was being childish about my status. She was attacking me and I tried to calmly explain my side but she just kept attacking and digging and interogating. I told her that if she felt like I was bullying her, I would be concerned but she didn't seem concerned that I felt bullied because she doesn't think she is one.
It's hard not to let this bother me but she is going to make me look like the bad guy when she should have looked at how her own behaviour is making me uncomfortable. I told her how I don't feel safe and she just bulldozed through what I said, not paying any attention to my feelings.
I honestly think that a normal person would want to know why this person feels this person is being bullied. I can understand feeling hurt but people don't write those things for no reason.
Dealing with her is like dealing with a rabid Chihuahua.
You know this was supposed to be the year that everything falls into place for me and so far it sucks! I started to read this book called "Why Men Marry Some Women and Not others". I read some of it yesterday. I feel panicky about ever being able to find the right man to marry. It talked about how women need to start looking for a man at 28. I am only up to chapter 4 but reading it is making me too stressed.
I just got to relax and hope things in my life will work out.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
And I'm Done with You!
Greetings all,
I decided on Boxing Day to remove Daniel as my friend on Facebook. It was last year on Boxing Day that he finally got the balls to call me after 4 months of messaging me and being my friend on facebook.
He didn't even wish me a Merry Christmas this year and he didn't respond to my message on Facebook as well. I sent him a message a while ago stating that I no longer felt comfortable messaging him as a way to get to know him and asked for him to come up with some other way to get to know me. I didn't want to come out and ask him but I was expecting him to suggest we talk on Skype. I then sent another message about 2 weeks later asking if he's had the chance to think about what I wrote but I heard nothing from him.
I am looking for a relationship so I figure he probably is not ready for one even though maybe he thinks he is. I am just going to forget about him and if he wants me he can find me. I have no time to waste.
Am I just being a woman by expecting a Merry Christmas? Since I am dating others until I get a committment, even these guys have the courtesy to wish me a Merry Christmas. For a British person, he was quite rude!
This is probably my 3rd or 2nd time removing Daniel as my friend and he did it to me twice as well. I know this is juvenile. I've had a couple of guys on the Speedating application or on some other dating site I'm on add me as their friend but I end up removing them if I don't hear from them anymore. I think from now on I won't add guys that are boyfriend prospects. That to me seems the simplest of solutions.
I also used Facebook as a revenge tool against Daniel, which again I know is juvenile. I had a date and wrote as my status update that I "am looking forward to my hot date. Meow". The next day or 2 I see on Daniel's wall that he adds the dating application (I think this is what it's called) So Are You Interested? About 5 days after my date with this guy he asks me to go salsa dancing so I update my status to say that I'm "looking forward to my salsa dancing date" and I check Daniel's wall the next day and see that he was searching profiles on the So Are you Interested? dating application. A few days after that he clears that from him wall.
I know that he was doing that to piss me off, much like how I was using my status updates to piss him off. I know I'm bad. But I was only doing that to let him know that I'm not sitting around waiting for him. I am making myself available and he better snatch me up otherwise I'll find someone local.
But no that doesn't work and so I am just getting rid of him as my friend. If he wants me he can find me because I am done waiting for him!
I decided on Boxing Day to remove Daniel as my friend on Facebook. It was last year on Boxing Day that he finally got the balls to call me after 4 months of messaging me and being my friend on facebook.
He didn't even wish me a Merry Christmas this year and he didn't respond to my message on Facebook as well. I sent him a message a while ago stating that I no longer felt comfortable messaging him as a way to get to know him and asked for him to come up with some other way to get to know me. I didn't want to come out and ask him but I was expecting him to suggest we talk on Skype. I then sent another message about 2 weeks later asking if he's had the chance to think about what I wrote but I heard nothing from him.
I am looking for a relationship so I figure he probably is not ready for one even though maybe he thinks he is. I am just going to forget about him and if he wants me he can find me. I have no time to waste.
Am I just being a woman by expecting a Merry Christmas? Since I am dating others until I get a committment, even these guys have the courtesy to wish me a Merry Christmas. For a British person, he was quite rude!
This is probably my 3rd or 2nd time removing Daniel as my friend and he did it to me twice as well. I know this is juvenile. I've had a couple of guys on the Speedating application or on some other dating site I'm on add me as their friend but I end up removing them if I don't hear from them anymore. I think from now on I won't add guys that are boyfriend prospects. That to me seems the simplest of solutions.
I also used Facebook as a revenge tool against Daniel, which again I know is juvenile. I had a date and wrote as my status update that I "am looking forward to my hot date. Meow". The next day or 2 I see on Daniel's wall that he adds the dating application (I think this is what it's called) So Are You Interested? About 5 days after my date with this guy he asks me to go salsa dancing so I update my status to say that I'm "looking forward to my salsa dancing date" and I check Daniel's wall the next day and see that he was searching profiles on the So Are you Interested? dating application. A few days after that he clears that from him wall.
I know that he was doing that to piss me off, much like how I was using my status updates to piss him off. I know I'm bad. But I was only doing that to let him know that I'm not sitting around waiting for him. I am making myself available and he better snatch me up otherwise I'll find someone local.
But no that doesn't work and so I am just getting rid of him as my friend. If he wants me he can find me because I am done waiting for him!
Monday, December 29, 2008
Psycho Girl
Greetings all,
I actually had my meeting with my roommate on Sunday night and it lasted for an hour and 20 minutes and off I went to my book group.
My roommate is officially psycho. I think I realized that she really is just immature and still has a lot of growing up to do. She just doesn't compromise well and is very much 'her way or the highway'.
She had a chance to speak about things after I was done and was still complaining how I was complaining at her last party about how I wanted the music to be lowered at 2.45 am. She kept harping I was jealous because I went to the other parties and didn't complain about the noise. I didn't go to that party because I was recovering from a cold. I don't know why I was not complaining about the music at the other parties but maybe the music wasn't blaring at 2.45 am. This is just such a stupid thing to argue for because all I ask is for the music to be lowered and here she makes a big drama that I am treating her like a child. I don't want to be the drag in the party so lowering the music to me sounds like a fairly reasonable request.
In her mind she justifies things by saying that she doesn't have parties all the time so having the music blaring so late is okay since she doesn't normally. It's not okay because I don't appreciate it and need to sleep with minimal noise. I pay rent too. It's just as much my space as hers. She just doesn't get it. Since I plan to move out to Toronto, I don't see the point in getting a new roommate, otherwise I would have asked her to leave.
She also has an issue with the way I clean and still insists she is the better cleaner.
Whatever!
She claims to be anal about cleaning which is fine but she doesn't have the right to demand that I clean as well as she claims she cleans. I clean as best as I can and don't appreciate being told that I am inadequate in that department. If she thinks my cleaning sucks and it's so important to her, then she needs to leave and find another place to stay. I cleaned the apartment a few weeks ago and she said she could still see hairs on the sink.
Whatever!
I know how much she doesn't like hair so I know that I clean things properly. I think she is just making that up!
She claims that she wears her heart on her sleeve and that she stands up for herself and doesn't take bullshit from anyone but I think those are fancy code words for "I'm really a drama queen" and "I'm a bully so it's my way or no way"
I began talking about the night where she called at 1.19 am so she apologized for that but then she complained how she didn't like my tone with her. I told her the next day (I was extremely pissed) in a calm tone with anger underlying it that I was not impressed and that we will talk about it another time. She saw that as me talking to her like a child.
Bitch I ain't talking to you like a child, I'm talking to you like an angry woman who rudely got woken up in the middle of the night!
I am still seething with anger and may have a follow up meeting because I had some things to clarify.
I also tried to explain to her that the lights on the Christmas tree are not a fire hazard and I told her that I did research but she wouldn't even acknowledge it and kept insisting like a psycho that she doesn't want her dog at risk and that her dog is her life (which is really sad if you invest yourself so emotionally into something that isn't human. I love my cat but one day she will dead and she can never replicate the love I get from people).
I had no choice but to agree to her stupid fear which really angers me. I am right but again am being forced to accommodate her to maintain the peace.
The other thing I complained about, which largely is because she is always nit-picking me is about the shower curtain. I usually leave it open after my bath and she closes it. She insists that it has to be closed. Here she wouldn't budge on this and insisted it be closed. I don't care and I am not going to close it. One day I caught myself closing but I say fuck it, I am not here to accommodate her. I leave it open and that's my style. She insists people will see it and they shouldn't. I say who cares? I don't even have people over and even if I did, I wouldn't care what they think.
This brings me to another issue. Since she likes having people over and I don't bring my friends over, she seems to think I'm some sort of social charity case. I'm not. I probably go out socializing more then she does but I like GOING OUT as opposed to bringing people to my house.
That's basically the bottom line. I have a certain way of doing things and she just needs to accept it. I'm not going to change the fact that I like to sleep without blaring music or that I like the curtain open. I am willing to compromise but I'm not compromising my opinions or my style. What bothers me is that she thinks it's okay to criticize my habits but I should not even dare to criticize hers. Living with someone is a 2-way street and this is my apartment as well. I felt bad that I had to bring up these petty issues but I was doing it because that's what she does to me and normally I just don't say anything and let her analness slide but Sunday night was a time for me to let her know I'm not to be bullied.
What also disturbs me is that she is so defensive about being treated like a child. Is asserting my needs treating her like a child? No but that's what she thinks and she needs to get over herself and realize that she is wrong.
In my mind as well, I am really the one in charge and I feel that I am pretty laid back and accommodating and do try to smooth over differences so that there is harmony and that we are both happy. I don't tell her how to run her life. I just expect bills to be paid, people to be respected and quiet.
The apartment is in my name and so are the bills. The furniture is all pretty much mine with the exception of her 2 couches.
I actually had my meeting with my roommate on Sunday night and it lasted for an hour and 20 minutes and off I went to my book group.
My roommate is officially psycho. I think I realized that she really is just immature and still has a lot of growing up to do. She just doesn't compromise well and is very much 'her way or the highway'.
She had a chance to speak about things after I was done and was still complaining how I was complaining at her last party about how I wanted the music to be lowered at 2.45 am. She kept harping I was jealous because I went to the other parties and didn't complain about the noise. I didn't go to that party because I was recovering from a cold. I don't know why I was not complaining about the music at the other parties but maybe the music wasn't blaring at 2.45 am. This is just such a stupid thing to argue for because all I ask is for the music to be lowered and here she makes a big drama that I am treating her like a child. I don't want to be the drag in the party so lowering the music to me sounds like a fairly reasonable request.
In her mind she justifies things by saying that she doesn't have parties all the time so having the music blaring so late is okay since she doesn't normally. It's not okay because I don't appreciate it and need to sleep with minimal noise. I pay rent too. It's just as much my space as hers. She just doesn't get it. Since I plan to move out to Toronto, I don't see the point in getting a new roommate, otherwise I would have asked her to leave.
She also has an issue with the way I clean and still insists she is the better cleaner.
Whatever!
She claims to be anal about cleaning which is fine but she doesn't have the right to demand that I clean as well as she claims she cleans. I clean as best as I can and don't appreciate being told that I am inadequate in that department. If she thinks my cleaning sucks and it's so important to her, then she needs to leave and find another place to stay. I cleaned the apartment a few weeks ago and she said she could still see hairs on the sink.
Whatever!
I know how much she doesn't like hair so I know that I clean things properly. I think she is just making that up!
She claims that she wears her heart on her sleeve and that she stands up for herself and doesn't take bullshit from anyone but I think those are fancy code words for "I'm really a drama queen" and "I'm a bully so it's my way or no way"
I began talking about the night where she called at 1.19 am so she apologized for that but then she complained how she didn't like my tone with her. I told her the next day (I was extremely pissed) in a calm tone with anger underlying it that I was not impressed and that we will talk about it another time. She saw that as me talking to her like a child.
Bitch I ain't talking to you like a child, I'm talking to you like an angry woman who rudely got woken up in the middle of the night!
I am still seething with anger and may have a follow up meeting because I had some things to clarify.
I also tried to explain to her that the lights on the Christmas tree are not a fire hazard and I told her that I did research but she wouldn't even acknowledge it and kept insisting like a psycho that she doesn't want her dog at risk and that her dog is her life (which is really sad if you invest yourself so emotionally into something that isn't human. I love my cat but one day she will dead and she can never replicate the love I get from people).
I had no choice but to agree to her stupid fear which really angers me. I am right but again am being forced to accommodate her to maintain the peace.
The other thing I complained about, which largely is because she is always nit-picking me is about the shower curtain. I usually leave it open after my bath and she closes it. She insists that it has to be closed. Here she wouldn't budge on this and insisted it be closed. I don't care and I am not going to close it. One day I caught myself closing but I say fuck it, I am not here to accommodate her. I leave it open and that's my style. She insists people will see it and they shouldn't. I say who cares? I don't even have people over and even if I did, I wouldn't care what they think.
This brings me to another issue. Since she likes having people over and I don't bring my friends over, she seems to think I'm some sort of social charity case. I'm not. I probably go out socializing more then she does but I like GOING OUT as opposed to bringing people to my house.
That's basically the bottom line. I have a certain way of doing things and she just needs to accept it. I'm not going to change the fact that I like to sleep without blaring music or that I like the curtain open. I am willing to compromise but I'm not compromising my opinions or my style. What bothers me is that she thinks it's okay to criticize my habits but I should not even dare to criticize hers. Living with someone is a 2-way street and this is my apartment as well. I felt bad that I had to bring up these petty issues but I was doing it because that's what she does to me and normally I just don't say anything and let her analness slide but Sunday night was a time for me to let her know I'm not to be bullied.
What also disturbs me is that she is so defensive about being treated like a child. Is asserting my needs treating her like a child? No but that's what she thinks and she needs to get over herself and realize that she is wrong.
In my mind as well, I am really the one in charge and I feel that I am pretty laid back and accommodating and do try to smooth over differences so that there is harmony and that we are both happy. I don't tell her how to run her life. I just expect bills to be paid, people to be respected and quiet.
The apartment is in my name and so are the bills. The furniture is all pretty much mine with the exception of her 2 couches.
Friday, December 26, 2008
Hissing Fit
Greetings and Salutations,
I have been visiting my parents for the holidays and ever since I moved out last year in August, my parent's cat hisses at me. We bought her about 12 years ago and she usually just hissed at my twin brothers since they didn't live at my parents when we bought her.
It was love at first sight for me when I met Sally. I was the one that picked her out at the SPCA. She still is the most beautiful cat in the world and no cat comes close to her beauty. But like many cats she doesn't like affection and is quite aloof. It breaks my heart because all I want to do is hold her and love her but she won't let me.
When I lived with my parents she would only hiss at me if my twin brothers were around to visit for dinner, which was usually on a Sunday. She would hiss because she was already stressed by their presence.
But ever since I have moved out she hisses at me. I don't understand where all the hate comes from. Is it because I left her alone with my wacky parents?
Come on Sally they are not that bad!
I love her so much and wish she would stop hissing at me.
I still would pick her up to hug her even though I was allergic to her but that's what I do for love. I don't care how much she causes my eyes to water. And now for over a year and a half I deal with this rejection.
Love hurts.
I have been visiting my parents for the holidays and ever since I moved out last year in August, my parent's cat hisses at me. We bought her about 12 years ago and she usually just hissed at my twin brothers since they didn't live at my parents when we bought her.
It was love at first sight for me when I met Sally. I was the one that picked her out at the SPCA. She still is the most beautiful cat in the world and no cat comes close to her beauty. But like many cats she doesn't like affection and is quite aloof. It breaks my heart because all I want to do is hold her and love her but she won't let me.
When I lived with my parents she would only hiss at me if my twin brothers were around to visit for dinner, which was usually on a Sunday. She would hiss because she was already stressed by their presence.
But ever since I have moved out she hisses at me. I don't understand where all the hate comes from. Is it because I left her alone with my wacky parents?
Come on Sally they are not that bad!
I love her so much and wish she would stop hissing at me.
I still would pick her up to hug her even though I was allergic to her but that's what I do for love. I don't care how much she causes my eyes to water. And now for over a year and a half I deal with this rejection.
Love hurts.
Monday, December 22, 2008
It Doesn't Make Sense!
Greetings and Salutations,
I think I need to accept the fact that Life Doesn't Make Sense!
When I look back over my life and I try to make sense of my life and the events and then I look at other people's lives and contrast to mine, I just realize, it doesn't make sense.
I am friends with this girl on my facebook whom we went to the same school as children. She is butt ugly and dumb but I think she is a decent person with (I shudder that I am using this expression) a good heart. She has half of what I want in life - a husband and children.
Growing up I always assumed I would be successful but much to my surprise, good fortune was difficult for me to come by. Now my life is starting to turn around and good things are starting to happen to me.
I try not to get jealous of this girl who has half of what I want because I have to keep the faith that eventually my man will come. If a butt ugly girl can find love and a husband, surely a pretty girl who is intelligent and compassionate like I am will too. But it sure doesn't make sense!
I chalk it all up to karma!
* * *
It's official!
My roommate is officially stupid!
I put up my Christmas tree a couple of weeks ago and also got an angel light decoration for the front window. My tree is fake. I went out one evening to do some errands and left the lights on leaving her dog home alone.
She wrote a note saying that it's a fire hazard. I did some research on the internet and found that if you plug too many outlets, or have damaged wires, then it is a potential risk. I bought new lights and the box said overheating will occur if you have 300 lights plugged into one outlet. I only have 50 lights.
My parents always left the lights unattended and there was never a problem. I know that overloading an outlet can cause a fire, but that can happen any time of the year.
So of course being the intelligent woman that I am, I ignore her ignorance and end up leaving the lights unattended for a second time as well only to have her write another message on the board about it being a fire hazard - which I didn't bother to read. I explained to her while down the hall but I don't think she cared to listen.
Do stupid people not realize that it's always important to respect and listen to people who are smarter then you? Or does their stupidity blind them to this simple truth?
I finally sent an email request to her about wanting a meeting but she says she is busy tonight and busy this week as it's Christmas. I will have to educate her about the lights. I will also be talking to her about how she is never to phone me at 1.19 in the morning inviting people over. There are other things as well that I have to talk to her about. I created a cleaning schedule because she was complaining how she cleans more but then she ends up not following it. I am starting to feel like she thinks I'm some doormat, which I am not. I may be laid back about things but I want order as well and expect to be treated with respected.
I think I need to accept the fact that Life Doesn't Make Sense!
When I look back over my life and I try to make sense of my life and the events and then I look at other people's lives and contrast to mine, I just realize, it doesn't make sense.
I am friends with this girl on my facebook whom we went to the same school as children. She is butt ugly and dumb but I think she is a decent person with (I shudder that I am using this expression) a good heart. She has half of what I want in life - a husband and children.
Growing up I always assumed I would be successful but much to my surprise, good fortune was difficult for me to come by. Now my life is starting to turn around and good things are starting to happen to me.
I try not to get jealous of this girl who has half of what I want because I have to keep the faith that eventually my man will come. If a butt ugly girl can find love and a husband, surely a pretty girl who is intelligent and compassionate like I am will too. But it sure doesn't make sense!
I chalk it all up to karma!
It's official!
My roommate is officially stupid!
I put up my Christmas tree a couple of weeks ago and also got an angel light decoration for the front window. My tree is fake. I went out one evening to do some errands and left the lights on leaving her dog home alone.
She wrote a note saying that it's a fire hazard. I did some research on the internet and found that if you plug too many outlets, or have damaged wires, then it is a potential risk. I bought new lights and the box said overheating will occur if you have 300 lights plugged into one outlet. I only have 50 lights.
My parents always left the lights unattended and there was never a problem. I know that overloading an outlet can cause a fire, but that can happen any time of the year.
So of course being the intelligent woman that I am, I ignore her ignorance and end up leaving the lights unattended for a second time as well only to have her write another message on the board about it being a fire hazard - which I didn't bother to read. I explained to her while down the hall but I don't think she cared to listen.
Do stupid people not realize that it's always important to respect and listen to people who are smarter then you? Or does their stupidity blind them to this simple truth?
I finally sent an email request to her about wanting a meeting but she says she is busy tonight and busy this week as it's Christmas. I will have to educate her about the lights. I will also be talking to her about how she is never to phone me at 1.19 in the morning inviting people over. There are other things as well that I have to talk to her about. I created a cleaning schedule because she was complaining how she cleans more but then she ends up not following it. I am starting to feel like she thinks I'm some doormat, which I am not. I may be laid back about things but I want order as well and expect to be treated with respected.
Friday, December 19, 2008
My New Video
Greetings all,
We are having a major snow storm here and so decided to create a video since there was nothing better to do.
Here it is:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4SYQtpSUqaU
I may be going to Hell
We are having a major snow storm here and so decided to create a video since there was nothing better to do.
Here it is:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4SYQtpSUqaU
I may be going to Hell
Anthroposophy and Angels
Greetings and Salutations,
Since I am interested in the philosophy known as anthroposophy, one of the things Steiner discusses is that of a spiritual hierarchy. He talks about the same hierarchy found in the Christian religion, which includes angels, archangels, archai, etc. I found myself open intellectually to these concepts but on a practical level, I had my doubts.
I joined a meetup group called 'Meet your Spirit Guides and Angels' a few months ago and the woman who runs it had been trained by Doreen Virtue's company (or Virtue herself, I don't know). Virtue has some Angel Practioner course and trains people to do readings for people and communicate with people's guides and angels and giving them messages or help with healing.
The woman who runs the group that I go to can see supersensible things and can talk to angels and Archangel Michael (for anthroposophists, we all know about Michael being promoted to Archai. I have wondered if these New Agers are aware of this or does Michael not really advertise this?)
The woman seems pretty normal and insightful so I don't think she's crazy or delusional but I feel like it is strange to meet people who do have this capacity. After all, Steiner talks about Angels but he talked about how difficult it was to perceive spiritual beings. But maybe now-a-days, it's getting easier to perceive spiritual beings because there are people out there who have these types of experiences.
So I am at this odd point in my spiritual understanding of the world because I theoretically understand the concept of Angels but to actually apply it is another. I have read that we just ask for help and they can. Steiner talks more about visualizing and speaking to them in imagination, although I haven't read if Steiner mentioned communicating verbally to them.
I never really felt like I had spirit guides or angels but maybe I have will to start asking them more for help.
My only problem is that I have also researched the power of the subconscious mind and so I wonder if what manifests as Angels or help, is really just this power of the subconscious mind since what gives the subconscious mind gets strength by just firmly believing in something.
Since I am interested in the philosophy known as anthroposophy, one of the things Steiner discusses is that of a spiritual hierarchy. He talks about the same hierarchy found in the Christian religion, which includes angels, archangels, archai, etc. I found myself open intellectually to these concepts but on a practical level, I had my doubts.
I joined a meetup group called 'Meet your Spirit Guides and Angels' a few months ago and the woman who runs it had been trained by Doreen Virtue's company (or Virtue herself, I don't know). Virtue has some Angel Practioner course and trains people to do readings for people and communicate with people's guides and angels and giving them messages or help with healing.
The woman who runs the group that I go to can see supersensible things and can talk to angels and Archangel Michael (for anthroposophists, we all know about Michael being promoted to Archai. I have wondered if these New Agers are aware of this or does Michael not really advertise this?)
The woman seems pretty normal and insightful so I don't think she's crazy or delusional but I feel like it is strange to meet people who do have this capacity. After all, Steiner talks about Angels but he talked about how difficult it was to perceive spiritual beings. But maybe now-a-days, it's getting easier to perceive spiritual beings because there are people out there who have these types of experiences.
So I am at this odd point in my spiritual understanding of the world because I theoretically understand the concept of Angels but to actually apply it is another. I have read that we just ask for help and they can. Steiner talks more about visualizing and speaking to them in imagination, although I haven't read if Steiner mentioned communicating verbally to them.
I never really felt like I had spirit guides or angels but maybe I have will to start asking them more for help.
My only problem is that I have also researched the power of the subconscious mind and so I wonder if what manifests as Angels or help, is really just this power of the subconscious mind since what gives the subconscious mind gets strength by just firmly believing in something.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Who Says Money Can't Buy Happiness??!!
Greetings and Salutations,
Growing up as a child, I got some decent toys. I enjoyed playing with My Little Ponies and Barbies. I even had a few Transformers. But the toys I always wanted but never got were Lite Brite and a remote controlled car.
I was always a little bit bitter about my childhood because I never got those. Today I decided to buy myself the toys that I never got.
I called up my mother to tell her my purchases and I told her how I always wanted a Lite Bright. She said she didn't even know that. I know that I told her I wanted a Lite Bright one year and so she probably forgot that I asked for it. I think they couldn't afford it or were too lazy to see how much they cost and so probably thought it cost more then what it actually was.
I also bought a Spinning Plate kit from Cirque de Soleil and so my total was $62.74.
I feel good to have boughten myself something I always wanted.
I played with my toys tonight and had some fun, although the Lite Brite uses a black sheet to cover the light and I am not sure if they made it this way back when I was a kid because frankly I think it's poorly designed since I now have to throw out the sheet that I used to make my design and I probably have to buy refill sheets.
My remote car was fun too and it can flip. I haven't figured out how to flip it but it has and I'm not sure if it just does it randomly or if I have to use the remote a certain way. I can only move it forward and backward but when it moves backwards, it rotates in a circle. I might buy myself another one that actually moves left and right.
My inner child is very happy today.
Yes folks, money can and does buy happiness!
This car can flip!!!
And so Jesus proclaimeth on thy remote operated vehicle
Jesus playing on my Lite Brite
Jesus' Lite Brite message
Growing up as a child, I got some decent toys. I enjoyed playing with My Little Ponies and Barbies. I even had a few Transformers. But the toys I always wanted but never got were Lite Brite and a remote controlled car.
I was always a little bit bitter about my childhood because I never got those. Today I decided to buy myself the toys that I never got.
I called up my mother to tell her my purchases and I told her how I always wanted a Lite Bright. She said she didn't even know that. I know that I told her I wanted a Lite Bright one year and so she probably forgot that I asked for it. I think they couldn't afford it or were too lazy to see how much they cost and so probably thought it cost more then what it actually was.
I also bought a Spinning Plate kit from Cirque de Soleil and so my total was $62.74.
I feel good to have boughten myself something I always wanted.
I played with my toys tonight and had some fun, although the Lite Brite uses a black sheet to cover the light and I am not sure if they made it this way back when I was a kid because frankly I think it's poorly designed since I now have to throw out the sheet that I used to make my design and I probably have to buy refill sheets.
My remote car was fun too and it can flip. I haven't figured out how to flip it but it has and I'm not sure if it just does it randomly or if I have to use the remote a certain way. I can only move it forward and backward but when it moves backwards, it rotates in a circle. I might buy myself another one that actually moves left and right.
My inner child is very happy today.
Yes folks, money can and does buy happiness!
This car can flip!!!
And so Jesus proclaimeth on thy remote operated vehicle
Jesus playing on my Lite Brite
Jesus' Lite Brite message
Sunday, December 14, 2008
More Bitching on Relationships
Greetings all,
Thought I'd take a moment to rant about relationships. I haven't had a boyfriend in either 3 or 4 years, although I have been dating people. It's frustrating for me as I want a relationship and have a boyfriend but can't seem to find the right person and I'm not someone who gets a boyfriend just for the sake of having one.
I have one relative who was married for about 5-7 years and they divorced I think either 1.5-2 years ago and he's already been in a relationship and is now living with this person and they have probably been together for over 6 months. I know also of another woman who was divorced and she was probably married for over 7 years and got divorced around 2 years ago and is now on her second relationship.
I guess one could argue that maybe they are jumping in too quickly into a new relationship and haven't learned from their mistakes, or maybe they have learned from their previous relationship and have been lucky.
But who cares?
What about me????
What about meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee??? (whiny voice)
I think it's unfair.
You know the expression when God closes the window, another door is opened.
Fuck God, I'm suffocating in here!
Open the god damn window or the door.
Have you forgotten about me???
You closed one window and never opened a door or a window.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Bitch slap God.
I know that it is what it is. So I just have to suck it up and deal with it.
I'm not doing anything wrong so I guess I just have to sit and wait as I am doing all that I can as since I am going out meeting people and making myself available on dating sites but it sucks.
It sucks large!
And whining online is less annoying then whining in real life.
Thought I'd take a moment to rant about relationships. I haven't had a boyfriend in either 3 or 4 years, although I have been dating people. It's frustrating for me as I want a relationship and have a boyfriend but can't seem to find the right person and I'm not someone who gets a boyfriend just for the sake of having one.
I have one relative who was married for about 5-7 years and they divorced I think either 1.5-2 years ago and he's already been in a relationship and is now living with this person and they have probably been together for over 6 months. I know also of another woman who was divorced and she was probably married for over 7 years and got divorced around 2 years ago and is now on her second relationship.
I guess one could argue that maybe they are jumping in too quickly into a new relationship and haven't learned from their mistakes, or maybe they have learned from their previous relationship and have been lucky.
But who cares?
What about me????
What about meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee??? (whiny voice)
I think it's unfair.
You know the expression when God closes the window, another door is opened.
Fuck God, I'm suffocating in here!
Open the god damn window or the door.
Have you forgotten about me???
You closed one window and never opened a door or a window.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Bitch slap God.
I know that it is what it is. So I just have to suck it up and deal with it.
I'm not doing anything wrong so I guess I just have to sit and wait as I am doing all that I can as since I am going out meeting people and making myself available on dating sites but it sucks.
It sucks large!
And whining online is less annoying then whining in real life.
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
Fuck Y'all!
Greetings and Salutations,
Today I felt really weird. Like this morning I felt happy. And I felt happy last night. And then afternoon hits and I want to kill people and am full of anger. I felt irritable but then I would have a moment of feeling happy but that was quickly replaced by my feeling angry and ready to lash out at people.
I had the weirdest dream last night and that was where a gunman was on the loose and I was trying to stay safe. I was hiding out in some underground stairwell with some others then ventured out into some medical building. I figured that I might be safe with these people since they weren't worried about being killed by this crazed gunman.
I researched to see what this dream could mean and this is what I got:
If the gun in the dream is used to hurt or kill you or someone else, please consider your current difficulties, hostile feelings or serious arguments, which you may have within yourself or with others
I think that is true because I was really scared in the dream and trying to avoid getting hurt. I was at a meetup group and we did some intense drumming meditation and since I meditate alot, I figure some more fear issues are coming up to the surface.
I'm just so fucking angry at everything but then I get happy again.
I came home from this meetup only to arrive at home where my roommate leaves a message saying not to leave the lights on while unattended. I finished putting up the tree that afternoon. I was pissed about that. I sometimes wonder how stupid can someone be? I just honestly don't have the patience for stupidity sometimes and just wish I was smart enough to calmly address the stupidity of things.
My parents always had left the lights unattended at my house and we never had a fire. I did some research online and read about how not to overload your outlets or use exposed wiring or leaving them on for a long time. I bought new lights so I didn't think leaving them alone would be a problem. We have a fake tree as well. I checked the packaging and it said an outlet can only handle 300 lights or it will overheat and I bought 50 lights.
My roommate continues to aggravate me. A while ago, I did something silly that greatly upset her and I apologized for it but she does something stupid like bring people over and wake me up from my sleep but doesn't have the maturity to apologize for things.
She's just a damn hypocrite at times. Likes to police people and if someone pisses her off, she demands an apology but can't seem to dish them out either.
She frightens me and something about her always made me feel a little fearful towards her but I try to be rational about things. After all, I'm the one who has the lease in my name. You would think she would be more respectful towards me but I am surprised that she's disrespected me a few times.
Damn it I need more balls to stand up to her. I can't use the excuse that I'm not her mom.
I'm just so full of rage at times. My one friend thought I was laid back. Yes I can be but I try not to lash out at people and so I have lots of repressed anger. I don't want to hurt people just because I'm hurting so I end up keeping it to myself, which isn't healthy. I've been working on it for years now so I am able to express myself calmly but I still have repressed anger that needs to come out.
I keep it in because I know how being angry at people for what seems like no reason can alienate people and I don't want to do that. I sometimes can see that I'm just really trying to protect myself and that deep down I'm just really scared about lots of things
* * *
I get angry that I am still single. I'm fucking awesome. What man in his right man wouldn't want me? I just should not be single. I'm nice enough, smart enough. Damn it I can't use the argument that I'm good looking because I've seen lots of ugly people find someone.
Today I felt really weird. Like this morning I felt happy. And I felt happy last night. And then afternoon hits and I want to kill people and am full of anger. I felt irritable but then I would have a moment of feeling happy but that was quickly replaced by my feeling angry and ready to lash out at people.
I had the weirdest dream last night and that was where a gunman was on the loose and I was trying to stay safe. I was hiding out in some underground stairwell with some others then ventured out into some medical building. I figured that I might be safe with these people since they weren't worried about being killed by this crazed gunman.
I researched to see what this dream could mean and this is what I got:
If the gun in the dream is used to hurt or kill you or someone else, please consider your current difficulties, hostile feelings or serious arguments, which you may have within yourself or with others
I think that is true because I was really scared in the dream and trying to avoid getting hurt. I was at a meetup group and we did some intense drumming meditation and since I meditate alot, I figure some more fear issues are coming up to the surface.
I'm just so fucking angry at everything but then I get happy again.
I came home from this meetup only to arrive at home where my roommate leaves a message saying not to leave the lights on while unattended. I finished putting up the tree that afternoon. I was pissed about that. I sometimes wonder how stupid can someone be? I just honestly don't have the patience for stupidity sometimes and just wish I was smart enough to calmly address the stupidity of things.
My parents always had left the lights unattended at my house and we never had a fire. I did some research online and read about how not to overload your outlets or use exposed wiring or leaving them on for a long time. I bought new lights so I didn't think leaving them alone would be a problem. We have a fake tree as well. I checked the packaging and it said an outlet can only handle 300 lights or it will overheat and I bought 50 lights.
My roommate continues to aggravate me. A while ago, I did something silly that greatly upset her and I apologized for it but she does something stupid like bring people over and wake me up from my sleep but doesn't have the maturity to apologize for things.
She's just a damn hypocrite at times. Likes to police people and if someone pisses her off, she demands an apology but can't seem to dish them out either.
She frightens me and something about her always made me feel a little fearful towards her but I try to be rational about things. After all, I'm the one who has the lease in my name. You would think she would be more respectful towards me but I am surprised that she's disrespected me a few times.
Damn it I need more balls to stand up to her. I can't use the excuse that I'm not her mom.
I'm just so full of rage at times. My one friend thought I was laid back. Yes I can be but I try not to lash out at people and so I have lots of repressed anger. I don't want to hurt people just because I'm hurting so I end up keeping it to myself, which isn't healthy. I've been working on it for years now so I am able to express myself calmly but I still have repressed anger that needs to come out.
I keep it in because I know how being angry at people for what seems like no reason can alienate people and I don't want to do that. I sometimes can see that I'm just really trying to protect myself and that deep down I'm just really scared about lots of things
I get angry that I am still single. I'm fucking awesome. What man in his right man wouldn't want me? I just should not be single. I'm nice enough, smart enough. Damn it I can't use the argument that I'm good looking because I've seen lots of ugly people find someone.
Sunday, December 07, 2008
Eminem
Greetings all,
I've been listening to a lot of music by Eminem this past month and a half. I am enjoying the anger as well in his songs and find it entertaining. I also find some of his lyrics intriguing. The funny thing is I dated a guy back when I was 23 and he was 27. He was laid off from his job (parallel 1: like I am right now) and he had ambitions to be a writer (parallel 2: I write and have ambitions to be a comedian) and then on one of our dates he bought an Eminem CD and started listening heavily to him (parallel 3: much like what I am doing now) and then one day he went all weird and distant on me after being totally into me and even having me have dinner with him and his grandma. Then I got dumped. It's too bad I just don't have a boyfriend that I can be all weird and distant towards and then break his heart by abruptly dumping him.
Too many parallels!
I've been listening to a lot of music by Eminem this past month and a half. I am enjoying the anger as well in his songs and find it entertaining. I also find some of his lyrics intriguing. The funny thing is I dated a guy back when I was 23 and he was 27. He was laid off from his job (parallel 1: like I am right now) and he had ambitions to be a writer (parallel 2: I write and have ambitions to be a comedian) and then on one of our dates he bought an Eminem CD and started listening heavily to him (parallel 3: much like what I am doing now) and then one day he went all weird and distant on me after being totally into me and even having me have dinner with him and his grandma. Then I got dumped. It's too bad I just don't have a boyfriend that I can be all weird and distant towards and then break his heart by abruptly dumping him.
Too many parallels!
Sacrifice
Greetings and Salutations,
I was talking the other day with my friend about raising children and she was saying that if you are to be a good parent, you are to make sacrifices and not be selfish. I argued that it's important if you are a parent to also take care of your self and nurture yourself emotionally and mentally, otherwise you will never be a good parent. You will snap. You will get angry. You will not be in control of your children unless you are in control of yourself. I don't believe in putting children first. I think if you always put yourself first, you'll naturally be able to handle the challenges life and your children throws at you.
My friend may think that is selfish but I don't. I know that children pick up lots of behaviours from their parents unconsciously and parents teach (or not teach in many cases) their children things unconsciously as well. Whether you learn to get angry over little things or you choose to calmly deal with things, largely the way a parent handles adversity and their personality and attitude has a direct influence on their children, whether they intend to or not.
So that is why I argue that a good parent always makes sure they take care of themselves and ensure that they eat, sleep, socialize, get mental and emotional stimulation and whatever else that helps to keep them healthy. A parent may not get 100% of their needs met, but I think it's important that they do their best.
Many people argue that parenting also requires sacrifice. I don't believe in that word and therefore do not use it. I think anyone who is thinking about having children should realize that it is a large responsibility. Many people don't even realize that even after they become parents. As far as I am concerned, if you want to raise mentally and emotionally healthy children, there are certain techniques that you need to implement for your children and for yourself as you cannot lead if you yourself are a poor example to your children.
One example I can cite is my friend had new neighbors move in and they happen to sell pot. They are vile people and have one daughter. They all smoke up at home. The daughter is only 13 and they let her 'boyfriend' sleep over and she cusses up quite a storm. Would she get away with this behaviour if her parents were more stable? Probably not.
I don't see raising children as making a sacrifice. I see that as doing what it takes to get the job done - no matter how challenging your children may be to you, as many times the problems your children create may be due to a weakness within the parent. We all have to decide what are our priorities and goals are and focus our minds on achieving those aims. That is why I don't believe in the concept of sacrifice because what I see in reality is doing the work that needs to be done to achieve the aims you desire. You get rid of what doesn't work and keep what works.
Although my friend said I probably wouldn't make a good mother, she has yet to see what I am like with children and so I am confident in my ability to raise children, when the time is right. Mental preparation is the key to achieving anything and being conscious of what kind of parent you want to be and what kind of children you want to raise will help to keep you aligned when things get out of line and tough and when you lose your focus.
I was talking the other day with my friend about raising children and she was saying that if you are to be a good parent, you are to make sacrifices and not be selfish. I argued that it's important if you are a parent to also take care of your self and nurture yourself emotionally and mentally, otherwise you will never be a good parent. You will snap. You will get angry. You will not be in control of your children unless you are in control of yourself. I don't believe in putting children first. I think if you always put yourself first, you'll naturally be able to handle the challenges life and your children throws at you.
My friend may think that is selfish but I don't. I know that children pick up lots of behaviours from their parents unconsciously and parents teach (or not teach in many cases) their children things unconsciously as well. Whether you learn to get angry over little things or you choose to calmly deal with things, largely the way a parent handles adversity and their personality and attitude has a direct influence on their children, whether they intend to or not.
So that is why I argue that a good parent always makes sure they take care of themselves and ensure that they eat, sleep, socialize, get mental and emotional stimulation and whatever else that helps to keep them healthy. A parent may not get 100% of their needs met, but I think it's important that they do their best.
Many people argue that parenting also requires sacrifice. I don't believe in that word and therefore do not use it. I think anyone who is thinking about having children should realize that it is a large responsibility. Many people don't even realize that even after they become parents. As far as I am concerned, if you want to raise mentally and emotionally healthy children, there are certain techniques that you need to implement for your children and for yourself as you cannot lead if you yourself are a poor example to your children.
One example I can cite is my friend had new neighbors move in and they happen to sell pot. They are vile people and have one daughter. They all smoke up at home. The daughter is only 13 and they let her 'boyfriend' sleep over and she cusses up quite a storm. Would she get away with this behaviour if her parents were more stable? Probably not.
I don't see raising children as making a sacrifice. I see that as doing what it takes to get the job done - no matter how challenging your children may be to you, as many times the problems your children create may be due to a weakness within the parent. We all have to decide what are our priorities and goals are and focus our minds on achieving those aims. That is why I don't believe in the concept of sacrifice because what I see in reality is doing the work that needs to be done to achieve the aims you desire. You get rid of what doesn't work and keep what works.
Although my friend said I probably wouldn't make a good mother, she has yet to see what I am like with children and so I am confident in my ability to raise children, when the time is right. Mental preparation is the key to achieving anything and being conscious of what kind of parent you want to be and what kind of children you want to raise will help to keep you aligned when things get out of line and tough and when you lose your focus.
Friday, December 05, 2008
The Heat is On
Greetings all,
I haven't been blogging for a while but there is much to report. I actually sent the English Muffin (aka Daniel) a message back in the middle of October and I actually heard back from him a couple of weeks after I sent it so we are talking again. Although recently I had to tell him that I will be keeping my messaging to a minimum as I find it cold and impersonal to get to know someone that way. I'm also still dating others and I am mostly meeting guys online and so I am keeping the time I spend messaging them to a minimum and this new rule I implemented for myself is going across the board. Besides I would rather talk on the phone and then meet for a date. Some guys I've been messaging for over a month and by that point I feel you should be chatting on the phone. I have no problem taking things slow but the phone is my preferred method of communication. Some guys also want to talk to you right away but I feel there must be a balance as I am looking to see if a guy is normal in the beginning and usually after exchanging a few conversational messages, you can tell and that usually takes around 3-5 messages.
I started reading books on relationships back in July and have modified some of my strategies and behaviours. One idea I've learned about it to wait until you get a commitment to be exclusive before you have sex as having sex early can bond you prematurely and is more harmful to women due to the chemical oxytocin, which increases during sex.
Another thing I learned is to give men space to process things and to not chase after them. I think in our culture, this is a lost art because we women are now expected to be go getters and sometimes I would apply this to the men I was interested and 'hunt' them but this works against women in the long run.
I am also dating around since I am shopping for a boyfriend. Since it is easy for a woman to bond to men and sometimes bond prematurely, she is better off dating multiple men until one decides he wants exclusivity and dating multiple guys keeps her from getting too focused on one prematurely.
I find dating discouraging at times and this process of finding someone is frustrating but I try to make the most of what seems like a bad situation. Some day soon some man will realize how wonderful and awesome I am and will want me all to himself. Until then, my loyalty is to myself and to no man.
I really wish I learned this kind of stuff earlier because I probably would have been smarter about how I behaved towards men I was interested in.
* * *
My roommate has been getting on my nerves again. On Monday she had the nerve to phone me at home while I was sleeping at 1.19 in the morning. She went out to a local hockey game run by some friends and she brought her new co-worker friend with her. She said on the phone that she was bringing a bunch of single guys from the hockey game and she wanted me to come out and socialize. I was not in the mood because I was tired and I didn't want to have to go through the hassle of getting dressed. As much as I enjoy socializing with single men, I do not want to at 1 in the morning.
I was quite upset and the next day I told her I was not impressed. She was getting sick so I never really had the chance to tell her how disrespectful it was to do that. I will be telling her tomorrow hopefully as she's been sick these past few days and I haven't seen her much.
She justified her actions by saying 'well at least I phoned'.
Childish and lame!
Anyways, I have been thinking of moving to Toronto and my friend and I will be looking tomorrow. I haven't told my roommate but probably will tomorrow. She has been starting to behave disrespectfully towards me and not being considerate when inviting people over and frankly I find her behaviour to be rather immature and lame.
I also wanted to mention that at some point she and her co-worker were yelling at these guys and saying how labeling men as dogs is an insult to dogs since dogs are loyal. I don't think the men stayed that long and I think their rudeness towards them was probably why they left early. I don't know if they were drunk but I would be offended if I were a guy.
So there is definitely some motivation to get out of here, although she is not the only reason why I want to move. It saddens me that things have been going downhill with her and that she's been starting to get way too out of control. I can't blame myself for her behaviour as I've always been a fair, accommodating and respectful roommate and things have gotten ugly because she is immature and unable to handle things and treat people like an adult and with respect.
A few weeks ago as well she had a couple of other people over and I went to bed at 11. This was a Friday and I was staying in as I was sick all week and although I was healthy, I didn't want to go out. She had the music on loud in her room and I had a hard time sleeping. I messaged her to lower the music as the last time I told her to keep the music down was at her party and she gave me attitude and I didn't want to be embarrassed like that again in front of her friends.
Honestly she needs to live on her own because she isn't courteous enough towards the people she lives with and she seems difficult to please at times.
I haven't been blogging for a while but there is much to report. I actually sent the English Muffin (aka Daniel) a message back in the middle of October and I actually heard back from him a couple of weeks after I sent it so we are talking again. Although recently I had to tell him that I will be keeping my messaging to a minimum as I find it cold and impersonal to get to know someone that way. I'm also still dating others and I am mostly meeting guys online and so I am keeping the time I spend messaging them to a minimum and this new rule I implemented for myself is going across the board. Besides I would rather talk on the phone and then meet for a date. Some guys I've been messaging for over a month and by that point I feel you should be chatting on the phone. I have no problem taking things slow but the phone is my preferred method of communication. Some guys also want to talk to you right away but I feel there must be a balance as I am looking to see if a guy is normal in the beginning and usually after exchanging a few conversational messages, you can tell and that usually takes around 3-5 messages.
I started reading books on relationships back in July and have modified some of my strategies and behaviours. One idea I've learned about it to wait until you get a commitment to be exclusive before you have sex as having sex early can bond you prematurely and is more harmful to women due to the chemical oxytocin, which increases during sex.
Another thing I learned is to give men space to process things and to not chase after them. I think in our culture, this is a lost art because we women are now expected to be go getters and sometimes I would apply this to the men I was interested and 'hunt' them but this works against women in the long run.
I am also dating around since I am shopping for a boyfriend. Since it is easy for a woman to bond to men and sometimes bond prematurely, she is better off dating multiple men until one decides he wants exclusivity and dating multiple guys keeps her from getting too focused on one prematurely.
I find dating discouraging at times and this process of finding someone is frustrating but I try to make the most of what seems like a bad situation. Some day soon some man will realize how wonderful and awesome I am and will want me all to himself. Until then, my loyalty is to myself and to no man.
I really wish I learned this kind of stuff earlier because I probably would have been smarter about how I behaved towards men I was interested in.
My roommate has been getting on my nerves again. On Monday she had the nerve to phone me at home while I was sleeping at 1.19 in the morning. She went out to a local hockey game run by some friends and she brought her new co-worker friend with her. She said on the phone that she was bringing a bunch of single guys from the hockey game and she wanted me to come out and socialize. I was not in the mood because I was tired and I didn't want to have to go through the hassle of getting dressed. As much as I enjoy socializing with single men, I do not want to at 1 in the morning.
I was quite upset and the next day I told her I was not impressed. She was getting sick so I never really had the chance to tell her how disrespectful it was to do that. I will be telling her tomorrow hopefully as she's been sick these past few days and I haven't seen her much.
She justified her actions by saying 'well at least I phoned'.
Childish and lame!
Anyways, I have been thinking of moving to Toronto and my friend and I will be looking tomorrow. I haven't told my roommate but probably will tomorrow. She has been starting to behave disrespectfully towards me and not being considerate when inviting people over and frankly I find her behaviour to be rather immature and lame.
I also wanted to mention that at some point she and her co-worker were yelling at these guys and saying how labeling men as dogs is an insult to dogs since dogs are loyal. I don't think the men stayed that long and I think their rudeness towards them was probably why they left early. I don't know if they were drunk but I would be offended if I were a guy.
So there is definitely some motivation to get out of here, although she is not the only reason why I want to move. It saddens me that things have been going downhill with her and that she's been starting to get way too out of control. I can't blame myself for her behaviour as I've always been a fair, accommodating and respectful roommate and things have gotten ugly because she is immature and unable to handle things and treat people like an adult and with respect.
A few weeks ago as well she had a couple of other people over and I went to bed at 11. This was a Friday and I was staying in as I was sick all week and although I was healthy, I didn't want to go out. She had the music on loud in her room and I had a hard time sleeping. I messaged her to lower the music as the last time I told her to keep the music down was at her party and she gave me attitude and I didn't want to be embarrassed like that again in front of her friends.
Honestly she needs to live on her own because she isn't courteous enough towards the people she lives with and she seems difficult to please at times.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Gay marriage
Greetings all,
I was watching Dr Phil today and they were having a show about gay marriage and they had both sides of the debate on the show, that is, those who support gay marriage and those who do not.
I live in Canada so we are allowed gay marriage. Apparently in California they took back this right and there is much conflict and rallies going on about this issue.
I frankly don't understand why there is such anger. Okay I do get it but it seems stupid.
I understand where these anti gay marriage people are coming from. They see homosexuality as a sin, which is their right - but not everyone shares the same belief that homosexuality is a sin. I'm sure science will figure out things about homosexuality. I've read that the brains of gay men are similar to women. I'm sure there is some reason why homosexuality exists but I don't think it's sinful. I don't think it's 'normal' as well in the sense that it is not normal in the biological sense for the species to continue.
I think people don't have to agree with or support or even like homosexuals but they are humans too. I have met some nice homosexuals and some that are just fucking jerks and stupid but I'm not going to judge them for their sexual relations.
These anti gay marriage people can argue all they want about how gays choose to be gay. I agree with this to some degree because there are people who do experiment but if they are being true to themselves, they will either be gay, straight or bi. I don't think they realize that we don't choose to be straight, it's in our biology to be straight and it's probably the same for homosexuals.
I dated a guy back in October/September and we were watching a movie on Newton's Dark Secrets where it discussed how Newton didn't have sex because he was more interested in studying and learning. This led to the topic of homosexuality since my date thought it was weird for someone to not have sex but I felt I could understand because I'm very intelligent and I have had my moments where all I could think about was what I was learning or thinking about and sex was the last thing on my mind (I know shocking but true!) and I'm sure Newton was the same way, although more intense.
He thought that homosexuality was on the increase and that everyone else in the world hates them. He thought homosexuality was disgusting. I was shocked and probably after 30 minutes I left because I couldn't respect a man who thought like that.
People do have the right to think that homosexuality is 'weird' and to not approve of it but why should anyone care what others do in their bedroom?
Homosexuality only seems on the rise because we are now living in a world that is starting to accept that they are people too. Homosexuals will always be a minority and they will never 'take over the world' and be the majority, eliminating the straight people.
I think as well that churches have the right to decide if they want to allow gay marriages but I think the state (the government) should allow gay marriages if the majority of people support it.
I don't understand why these 2 sides just accept their differences and stop the drama!
I was watching Dr Phil today and they were having a show about gay marriage and they had both sides of the debate on the show, that is, those who support gay marriage and those who do not.
I live in Canada so we are allowed gay marriage. Apparently in California they took back this right and there is much conflict and rallies going on about this issue.
I frankly don't understand why there is such anger. Okay I do get it but it seems stupid.
I understand where these anti gay marriage people are coming from. They see homosexuality as a sin, which is their right - but not everyone shares the same belief that homosexuality is a sin. I'm sure science will figure out things about homosexuality. I've read that the brains of gay men are similar to women. I'm sure there is some reason why homosexuality exists but I don't think it's sinful. I don't think it's 'normal' as well in the sense that it is not normal in the biological sense for the species to continue.
I think people don't have to agree with or support or even like homosexuals but they are humans too. I have met some nice homosexuals and some that are just fucking jerks and stupid but I'm not going to judge them for their sexual relations.
These anti gay marriage people can argue all they want about how gays choose to be gay. I agree with this to some degree because there are people who do experiment but if they are being true to themselves, they will either be gay, straight or bi. I don't think they realize that we don't choose to be straight, it's in our biology to be straight and it's probably the same for homosexuals.
I dated a guy back in October/September and we were watching a movie on Newton's Dark Secrets where it discussed how Newton didn't have sex because he was more interested in studying and learning. This led to the topic of homosexuality since my date thought it was weird for someone to not have sex but I felt I could understand because I'm very intelligent and I have had my moments where all I could think about was what I was learning or thinking about and sex was the last thing on my mind (I know shocking but true!) and I'm sure Newton was the same way, although more intense.
He thought that homosexuality was on the increase and that everyone else in the world hates them. He thought homosexuality was disgusting. I was shocked and probably after 30 minutes I left because I couldn't respect a man who thought like that.
People do have the right to think that homosexuality is 'weird' and to not approve of it but why should anyone care what others do in their bedroom?
Homosexuality only seems on the rise because we are now living in a world that is starting to accept that they are people too. Homosexuals will always be a minority and they will never 'take over the world' and be the majority, eliminating the straight people.
I think as well that churches have the right to decide if they want to allow gay marriages but I think the state (the government) should allow gay marriages if the majority of people support it.
I don't understand why these 2 sides just accept their differences and stop the drama!
Friday, October 24, 2008
Yes I do Stand Up Comedy
Greetings all,
One of things that keeps happening to me and that annoys me greatly is how people react when I tell them I do stand up comedy. I joined a site that has a bunch of different groups that you can attend various social events. So I am always meeting new people. When I meet new people, I usually am a bit reserved and do not open up right away.
Then when they ask about me and what I do, I tell them how I've been laid off and am working towards being a comedian. I don't know what people expect a comedian to be like when they first meet people but I am not going to joking around and fighting for attention. That's not my style of behaviour when meeting new people.
Then they do the classic 'are you going to use us as material?' line.
I don't understand why they would think that. Like I get my jokes from observations and situations I am in or witness. There might be an element I find in meeting someone but how that manifests into a joke or character I don't know yet.
Yes obviously the people I encounter are material but to what degree is the question. I think comedy is something that people should be able to relate to. It's not about me going on stage and complaining about people I meet. I am an artist and artists take whatever basic material is thrown at them in life (people they meet, situations they end up in, situations they observe) and transform it into something new.
So yes I may actually use you, but perhaps just an element of you. Whatever element I take, I amplify it, exaggerate it and make it bigger. At that point, it no longer is you, it is comedy.
One of things that keeps happening to me and that annoys me greatly is how people react when I tell them I do stand up comedy. I joined a site that has a bunch of different groups that you can attend various social events. So I am always meeting new people. When I meet new people, I usually am a bit reserved and do not open up right away.
Then when they ask about me and what I do, I tell them how I've been laid off and am working towards being a comedian. I don't know what people expect a comedian to be like when they first meet people but I am not going to joking around and fighting for attention. That's not my style of behaviour when meeting new people.
Then they do the classic 'are you going to use us as material?' line.
I don't understand why they would think that. Like I get my jokes from observations and situations I am in or witness. There might be an element I find in meeting someone but how that manifests into a joke or character I don't know yet.
Yes obviously the people I encounter are material but to what degree is the question. I think comedy is something that people should be able to relate to. It's not about me going on stage and complaining about people I meet. I am an artist and artists take whatever basic material is thrown at them in life (people they meet, situations they end up in, situations they observe) and transform it into something new.
So yes I may actually use you, but perhaps just an element of you. Whatever element I take, I amplify it, exaggerate it and make it bigger. At that point, it no longer is you, it is comedy.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Yeah for Halloween!
Greetings all,
I bought myself a Halloween costume last night as I have 2 parties to go to. One this Saturday and one next Friday. The Friday one is important because there will be ... firefighters. So I knew I had to get myself a sexy costume so that I can successfully be hunted.
I bought myself my first adult costume. I normally just go as a witch as I have a hat that I bought years ago and wear a cape. I am going as Wonder Woman. I actually need to find myself golden rope or just paint some rope golden as my costume didn't come with it.
* * *
I was on a few dates with this one guy and I had to tell him that I wasn't feeling it and that we should be friends. He was clearly infatuated with me. We hung out a couple of times after I told him we could just be friends. We went a couple of weeks ago and he dropped me off and pulled the 'let me open the door for you from the inside while I sneak a kiss on your neck'. I certainly was not impressed because I made it clear that I was just wanting to stay friends. He was starting to creep me out because he was still interested in me. I am glad he hasn't called because I didn't want to tell him off.
I started thinking about infatuation and I think that it is impossible for a relationship to ever be successful if one person starts out being infatuated. I've had 3 guys be infatuated with me. One for a date. Another for a month and this guy as well.
I think there is a difference between chemistry and infatuation so I look more for chemistry. I find that when you are infatuated with someone, you don't even bother to get to know them because somewhere in your mind, they fit this ideal but there usually is no basis in reality.
When I think of all the guys that were infatuated with me, I do see that they hardly knew me or didn't make an effort to truly know me. They just had this picture of me that I triggered in them and caused them to fall for me.
I think from now on, I'll just not even bother with someone who is infatuated with me because they will never truly bother to get to know me. At least if there is chemistry, there is a chance.
I bought myself a Halloween costume last night as I have 2 parties to go to. One this Saturday and one next Friday. The Friday one is important because there will be ... firefighters. So I knew I had to get myself a sexy costume so that I can successfully be hunted.
I bought myself my first adult costume. I normally just go as a witch as I have a hat that I bought years ago and wear a cape. I am going as Wonder Woman. I actually need to find myself golden rope or just paint some rope golden as my costume didn't come with it.
I was on a few dates with this one guy and I had to tell him that I wasn't feeling it and that we should be friends. He was clearly infatuated with me. We hung out a couple of times after I told him we could just be friends. We went a couple of weeks ago and he dropped me off and pulled the 'let me open the door for you from the inside while I sneak a kiss on your neck'. I certainly was not impressed because I made it clear that I was just wanting to stay friends. He was starting to creep me out because he was still interested in me. I am glad he hasn't called because I didn't want to tell him off.
I started thinking about infatuation and I think that it is impossible for a relationship to ever be successful if one person starts out being infatuated. I've had 3 guys be infatuated with me. One for a date. Another for a month and this guy as well.
I think there is a difference between chemistry and infatuation so I look more for chemistry. I find that when you are infatuated with someone, you don't even bother to get to know them because somewhere in your mind, they fit this ideal but there usually is no basis in reality.
When I think of all the guys that were infatuated with me, I do see that they hardly knew me or didn't make an effort to truly know me. They just had this picture of me that I triggered in them and caused them to fall for me.
I think from now on, I'll just not even bother with someone who is infatuated with me because they will never truly bother to get to know me. At least if there is chemistry, there is a chance.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Roommate Woes
Greetings all,
My roommate has been aggravating me for the past few weeks - largely due to the fact that we now have 3 couches in our apartment. She told me she was going to be bringing a couch and I figured we'd move things around to make it fit. I didn't know that she actually meant 2 couches and I am pretty sure I did not hear the word couches come out of her mouth.
I threw out the idea earlier that I could put my couch in storage (this was when I thought one was coming in). Of course upon reflecting upon it, I realized it's not fair that I do that and it costs money - money which I don't really have to waste since I've been laid off.
My roommate seems bitter that I made this suggestion and not follow through on it because I guess she probably thought I was serious when I was just trying to be polite and helpful about the situation.
She had a party a few weeks ago and wanted the couches there for it. I ended up being sick and so stayed in my room. There is more drama that happened - largely due to the fact that she is a bit childish about certain things. And I will not discuss that.
Okay maybe I will. She still had music going on in 2.40 am and I politely asked her to lower it and she rudely answered that she's having a party. A few days later she tells me that I embarrassed her. Excuse me but you embarrassed me by being rude. We live in an apartment and the party was pretty much done. Sure there was a few people left but it was done and we do have neighbors to think about.
The dining area was cramped because of the way she moved the couches. I couldn't put my 4 chairs around it. And the couches were arranged in a U shape and so they blocked entrance to the balcony, which means the only way out was to go through the kitchen. This was my other problem. I need to feel like I can move around and that I am free and mobile and I didn't feel this way because of the way the entrance was blocked. It was just too constrictive for me.
Last weekend she was away and I decided to clean things up and I started to feel motivated to move furniture around as well since nothing changed and I was starting to feel like a prisoner.
I made minor changes and it freed up the space in the dining room and there was a path to get to the balcony. I still maintained the U shape that my roommate had. I sent her an email just notifying her about this and that we could change it if she didn't like it. I didn't want her to think I moved it just because she was away.
She didn't like it and was being childish about the situation. I wanted us both to work out something that we liked but she said that she doesn't care and that I'm going to do what I want anyways.
So I left things the way they were.
I went out last night and so did she. I probably came home half an hour earlier and 10 minutes after she arrived, some people were over. I had a feeling that she was going to move the furniture to how it was - and she did.
It is absolutely atrocious the way things are.
She 'suggested' earlier that I put my couch in my room. I am not comfortable with that. Prior to the couches being brought, she even had the balls to want to switch rooms so that she could have the bigger room and put the couches there.
I will be having a talk with her because it's not about just her being happy or just me being happy. We both have to be happy with things and there is no point in being childish.
Another thing she did the other day was notifying me that my peaches were rotting. I threw them out and didn't think to throw out the garbage since the bag was half full (or half empty). She asked me about why I didn't throw it out and I told her because the bag was not full. I was having lunch so I figure I'd take it out after my lunch but she ended up doing it and giving me attitude.
So I am occasionally absent minded. Big deal! I don't throw out my rotting fruits once! I find she needs to relax about things and not get uptight about petty things. If I were consistently letting my fruits rot then yes say something. I am not petty towards her the way she is to me.
I have another friend whom I was thinking of moving out to Toronto so I don't care so much because we may not live together for much longer but I will still say something because I don't want us to leave on a bad note.
I'm tired of being abused and being lashed out at for silly things. I have been fair to her and ever since the couch incident, she has been getting out of line. I plan on having a talk with her because I do not need this drama and I do not want to feel uncomfortable in my own home.
My roommate has been aggravating me for the past few weeks - largely due to the fact that we now have 3 couches in our apartment. She told me she was going to be bringing a couch and I figured we'd move things around to make it fit. I didn't know that she actually meant 2 couches and I am pretty sure I did not hear the word couches come out of her mouth.
I threw out the idea earlier that I could put my couch in storage (this was when I thought one was coming in). Of course upon reflecting upon it, I realized it's not fair that I do that and it costs money - money which I don't really have to waste since I've been laid off.
My roommate seems bitter that I made this suggestion and not follow through on it because I guess she probably thought I was serious when I was just trying to be polite and helpful about the situation.
She had a party a few weeks ago and wanted the couches there for it. I ended up being sick and so stayed in my room. There is more drama that happened - largely due to the fact that she is a bit childish about certain things. And I will not discuss that.
Okay maybe I will. She still had music going on in 2.40 am and I politely asked her to lower it and she rudely answered that she's having a party. A few days later she tells me that I embarrassed her. Excuse me but you embarrassed me by being rude. We live in an apartment and the party was pretty much done. Sure there was a few people left but it was done and we do have neighbors to think about.
The dining area was cramped because of the way she moved the couches. I couldn't put my 4 chairs around it. And the couches were arranged in a U shape and so they blocked entrance to the balcony, which means the only way out was to go through the kitchen. This was my other problem. I need to feel like I can move around and that I am free and mobile and I didn't feel this way because of the way the entrance was blocked. It was just too constrictive for me.
Last weekend she was away and I decided to clean things up and I started to feel motivated to move furniture around as well since nothing changed and I was starting to feel like a prisoner.
I made minor changes and it freed up the space in the dining room and there was a path to get to the balcony. I still maintained the U shape that my roommate had. I sent her an email just notifying her about this and that we could change it if she didn't like it. I didn't want her to think I moved it just because she was away.
She didn't like it and was being childish about the situation. I wanted us both to work out something that we liked but she said that she doesn't care and that I'm going to do what I want anyways.
So I left things the way they were.
I went out last night and so did she. I probably came home half an hour earlier and 10 minutes after she arrived, some people were over. I had a feeling that she was going to move the furniture to how it was - and she did.
It is absolutely atrocious the way things are.
She 'suggested' earlier that I put my couch in my room. I am not comfortable with that. Prior to the couches being brought, she even had the balls to want to switch rooms so that she could have the bigger room and put the couches there.
I will be having a talk with her because it's not about just her being happy or just me being happy. We both have to be happy with things and there is no point in being childish.
Another thing she did the other day was notifying me that my peaches were rotting. I threw them out and didn't think to throw out the garbage since the bag was half full (or half empty). She asked me about why I didn't throw it out and I told her because the bag was not full. I was having lunch so I figure I'd take it out after my lunch but she ended up doing it and giving me attitude.
So I am occasionally absent minded. Big deal! I don't throw out my rotting fruits once! I find she needs to relax about things and not get uptight about petty things. If I were consistently letting my fruits rot then yes say something. I am not petty towards her the way she is to me.
I have another friend whom I was thinking of moving out to Toronto so I don't care so much because we may not live together for much longer but I will still say something because I don't want us to leave on a bad note.
I'm tired of being abused and being lashed out at for silly things. I have been fair to her and ever since the couch incident, she has been getting out of line. I plan on having a talk with her because I do not need this drama and I do not want to feel uncomfortable in my own home.
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