The Last Straw - The Roommate Saga Continues!

Greetings and Salutations all,

I had my birthday gathering on Saturday and many people didn't show up due to the weather. I had plastic cups and I accidently used one of my roommates since mine were at the back of the cupboard. She went ballistic on me again the next day and I tried to explain that it was an accident.

I had sent her an email earlier saying to clear her stuff in the living and her dog's toys. She never cleared her dog's toys and there were empty boxes in the kitchen with some empty beer and wine bottles. I found them to be unsightly and although I never told her to put them away, I decided they shouldn't be there and so I put some on her book shelf and the 2 big boxes in her room, along with the dog toys. Of course she has her little fit when she comes home and yells 'Paula stay the fuck out of my room'. I really don't know why she acts that way. Does she really think she is scaring me? I open my door, only to find that she has all the boxes and toys all out in the hallway, making a mess.

Here's what the boxes looked like in the kitchen when she put them back. It looked like this before as well so it's understandable why I would put them away.


So she demands that I replace her beer cups. I only used one and so I washed it... but she continued to demand that I replace it. She writes on the whiteboard 1. beer cups 2. deposit. I erase this and she writes it back up again on the board.

I went out to a meetup on Monday night and left early to wonder the downtown of Oakville because being in my apartment has been so stressful. When I returned home the roommate was still demanding the deposit and that I replace her beercups. I already washed the one cup that I communicated to her that I mistakenly used. She told me in a threatening manner that she will make the next 3 weeks difficult for me. She wasn't saying this nicely. She was yelling to me. I had to contact the police on Monday night and so they had talked to me and to her. I was shaking and scared. She is terrorizing me and making me feel unsafe and I had enough. I am not sure the cops understood what I was feeling because I didn't just call the cops for no reason. She was bullying me and there was nothing that I was saying that was sinking in and she just kept behaving worse and worse. I felt verbally assaulted and frankly I think it should be illegal to yell at someone.

I went out for my birthday with my family yesterday. When I came home from my parents and took a bath my roommate was calling a friend and deliberately talking about me and how I have gone off the deep end. She said once she gets the police report, she is going to file a civil suit against me. She was telling her friend as well that the cop thought I was crazy. I will have to see what they wrote in the report because she seems to think it made me look like the crazy person. She was saying to her friend that she is worried I will hack her dog so she is going to keep him in her room.Since I have 2 mentally ill brothers with schizophrenia, she said 'now her parents have 3 crazy children'. So like a bully - to use information gained against the person to cause harm.

She also started smoking in the house. I smelled it yesterday and saw her smoking today. She is not allowed to smoke because that was what was written in the contract. I just started documenting things as well and taking photos. I will have to take the photo of the ashtray that she left out in the living room.

She was also telling her friend about how I want to be a stand up comic and I'm sure she was making fun of me but I didn't hear. It's pathetic but whatever information I told her, she is using it against me.

She is keeping her dog in her room while she is gone. She wrote on the whiteboard to stay away from her dog. This morning as well she kept telling her dog she is keeping her safe from the crazy lady and when she returned she would ask him if he was safe from the crazy lady.

Today she slammed her bedroom door really hard as I came out of the bathroom. Not once though, twice about 10 minutes later. To prove a point I'm sure but it just makes her look like an ass.

Also she hasn't been doing her dishes and has not been taking out the garbage in the kitchen. She stuffed the trash can and it is overflowing with garbage.

I have come to the conclusion that on some level she is jealous of me and ever since that day where I wouldn't switch rooms with her so she can put her couches, she has been power tripping on me. Someone pointed out to me that she wanted my room because she wants what I have.

She has been packing since yesterday and I look forward to her leaving.

I think she is lame and fucked up. A bully and a pathetic one when she doesn't get her way.

Happy Birthday to Me!

Greetings all,

Today is my 30th birthday and it is snowing, much like the day that I entered this world, 30 years ago.
Today I will try to forget my worries and enjoy a nice dinner with my family.

Drinking Wine at a Young Age

Greetings all,

I was on a date last night and was talking to the guy about how my family grew up drinking wine at the table and so for me, I was never really into getting drunk and neither were my brothers.

My family is Italian and I remember having wine with my gingerale all the time as a young child. I am not sure how old I was when I started drinking wine but I do remember probably around the ages of 9-12 (I really can't be sure so I will give it a good range) and telling my mom at the supper table that I was no longer interested in drinking wine.

And that was the day that I stopped drinking wine at supper.

My parents never made drinking a taboo. I always wondered if this was why growing up I never understood the whole concept of getting wasted and drunk. I remember in high school hearing people talk about how much beers they can drink. I wasn't impressed. They can claim to drink 10 beers at what, 4.5% alcohol? I was drinking approximately 8-14% alcohol when I was a child! Beat that!

Seriously, it never made sense to me to brag about how much beers you can drink before you get drunk. If you really wanted to get drunk, wouldn't it make sense to drink beverages that have a high alcohol content?

I'm an efficient drunk (I've probably only gotten drunk twice but I would rather get a good buzz). I don't waste time drinking all these wimpy drinks. If I want to get drunk, I go for 10% beer. It tastes alright. I usually buy the foreign kind from like Amsterdam or Germany. It gets the job done usually in one and a half bottles, if I drink it quickly enough.

I think I have other relatives as well that served wine at dinner. It looks like most of them as well aren't big drinkers but I'd probably have to ask to find out. I just know in my family we are not.

Since I don't drink wine at the table anymore, maybe I will have to once I have kids so that they don't think drinking is a taboo and will have little desire to become big drinkers!

No Your Never Gonna Get It!

Greetings all,

The drama with my roommate continues. She told me yesterday she will be out on the 1st of February and expects her deposit back. I said the contract says to give 6 week notice and she said it doesn't matter because my Facebook status update was considered slanderous.

Her dad runs his own business so she claims he knows all about the law. He probably told her that it's slander because he has such an influence in her life. He even told her how to vote and she listened even though she was going to vote for someone else.

She has clearly been having a power struggle with me and for no reason. The apartment is on my name and we signed our own agreement. I'm probably not going to waste my energy chasing after her is she doesn't pay her rent.

I will have to find a place for April so I should be fine, although I will be uber tight on money now, especially since I don't have a job.

I told the supers about my situation and there were other people in the office as well, maybe they lived in the building as well. But they agreed that she sounds like she is a control freak and on a power struggle after I told them that her dad runs his own business and apparently knows alot about law.

When I told the people there how she thinks my facebook status was slander, they thought that was silly and that it's my opinion and that you can't prove it's slanderous (especially since I can delete it from my wall).

This whole experience is causing me a lot of stress. I am a peaceful person. I'm a tree hugger damn it! I am not confrontational but I'm also not going to take abuse from someone.

I told them as well ever since she brought those couches in she has been on some power trip. I think those couches may be cursed!

A Look Back Over My 20s

Greetings all,

My birthday will be coming up soon on January 13th this coming Tuesday and I will be turning the big 3-0. I will be saying goodbye to my 20s and I am a little sad. My 20s was a time where I could get away with being arrogant but since I have been nearing the 30s, I am being forced to quickly get rid of some negative habits that I just can't seem to shake.

I've always considered myself a spiritual person and did believe in leading an ethical life at a young age. I also went through much existential angst in my 20s as well. But at the same time I had lots of work to do on myself and I was aware of it and was working on myself since I began yoga at 18. I knew somewhere in me there was a good, compassionate and prosperous person inside but many times anger and arrogance and general confusion and depression would hide it.

I think by the time I hit 27 or 28, I really started to take things more seriously. In my early 20s, I still wanted to take life seriously and get my life in order because it just felt so chaotic but getting close to 30 made me become more intense about the ideas and goals I had when I was younger.

I have been shedding lots of false ideas since I was 18. Looking at people and myself in a different way and learning how to let go of lots of pain I've had.

I don't have any more excuses now that I'll be 30.

The period from 20-23 was by far what I call my spiritual dark age. I turned to the philosophy called Anthroposophy by Rudolf Steiner. I mention this in a post about my journey of becoming an anthropsophist. I was driven to study Steiner's work for about 6-7 years. He isn't so much a central figure in my life now but I hope to return to him in the future, although I am working on my own Anthroposophical project which I mention here.

I had wanted to end my life many times in my 20s but reading Steiner gave me much spiritual nourishment and so that's why it was so hard to stop reading him. If I didn't have someone introduce me to him, I may not have found the strength to live and may have ended my life. It's hard to explain to people that you feel like you are being put through a test and many times in my early 20s I would experience these pangs of intense pain. I had wanted to die and end my suffering but I knew I couldn't.

I quit first year university. I was quite bright but somehow I felt the world of academics was not where I needed to be. I was tired of just being in school. I wanted to get out into the real world for a change. I started to work in factories and I worked in temp jobs. I didn't want to settle down with a regular job and liked that I could work in different places. But I felt like I had 'fallen from grace'. Here I am someone so smart, couldn't figure out life and what direction I wanted to go in as a career. I was stuck doing work that I felt was beneath me. I'm smart, why the hell am I stuck doing menial work? I knew I didn't want to be in school and this seemed like a karmic burden I had to carry because I was not wanting to go to school.

I had wanted to be a comedian at 16 and tried stand up at my high school and at Yuk Yuk's but I felt so awkward so I just stopped. I was fortunate when I was 21 that I was watching a show called Whose Line is it Anyways? and realized that I could do that and so I looked on the internet to see if there was anywhere I could try improv and I found a place called The Staircase and so I began my journey as an improviser. I obsessed over improv because I knew I could be good at it but I held back alot. I was quite afraid and many times sat on the bench. I was in my head too much. Second guessing myself all the time. Over time eventually I overcame this, although I might sometimes have a relapse.

I was a bit of a loner in my teens but my 20s I made the step towards being socialable and interacting with people more. It was hard. It seemed everyone else had an easier time expressing themselves but I was just stuck in my head. I find for me it was easier socializing on a one-on-one basis rather then in a group but eventually I learned how to interact with people more positively. I was probably very angry as well and I'm not sure but I think people probably sensed that in me and probably were uncomfortable with me to some degree. Or maybe they didn't notice, I'm not sure either.

I began exploring sexually by the time I hit 23 and I had lots of unexpressed sexual energy. I had a few boyfriends but many of my relationships were brief, usually ending around 3 months of dating. I was always a little bitter about the fact that I never had my first boyfriend until I was 19. Most people have sex and maybe even a kid by that point. I was almost like a man and I didn't care about being in a loving relationship. I just wanted sex and nothing more. I had a couple of friends with benefits. One that maybe lasted for a few months and then ended. Another was where we started out dating but it didn't work out after 8 months. I didn't want the sex to end and so we agreed to continue having sex. I had dated a few people during that period and would go back to him. I was quite sad when my special friend ended up ending our friendship for the new woman in his life. We were friends for 5 years. I always thought we were genuinely friends since we did have times where we just hung out in a non sexual manner.

I eventually came across a book last summer entitled Getting to I Do by Patricia Allen and had to seriously evaluate what the hell I wanted. I was at the point where I was wanting a relationship and figured I must be doing something wrong because things weren't working out the way I wanted to with a prospect I was interested in (aka English Muffin). The book pointed out how having sex prematurely is not good if you want a long term relationship. I had to sadly realize that if I wanted a serious relationship, I had to put a lid on my libido. I reluctantly did but I had a good reason. I wanted love and when I believe in something, I am willing to do what it takes to get the job done. I had an ideal to follow and I had to maintain a sense of purity with my sexuality. No sex without commitment became and is my current mantra.

I started to experience some moments of happiness when I was around 24. I got to eventually work up in Yellowknife for a summer where my job was to help my friend and we did lots of hiking. I was lazy but because it was part of the job to hike, it got me into the habit of enjoying walking, which I still do today.

I eventually settled down on temp work and was at one job for just over a year. Which for me is quite a long time. After getting laid off I took a few months off and I had a few jobs that didn't work out. I discovered qigong as well when I was 26 and explored many different styles and found myself sticking to the style called Tibetan Solar Qigong. I was no longer attracted to yoga, although recently I have gone back to doing kundalini yoga exercises. I also eventually discovered mantras probably around the same time and since that time I made mantra a part of my spiritual practice. I eventually landed my recent job, where I eventually got laid off again after 2 years.

Around 27 or 28 I kept seeing myself on stage - by myself. I wanted to try stand up again but had so many doubts. I kept improvising regularly but improv was not consistent were I was practising. I eventually got over my intense fears and doubts and finally got to do a stand up show last year after a 10 year hiatus. For me, getting started is the hardest part

It seems like everything in my life happens slower then everyone else and that always bothered me. I haven't achieved the success I desire but now is my time. I desire a life as a comedian, creative performer. I desire a husband, a companion, someone to share my life with. I long for inner and world peace and to be someone that is highly respected. I want to give back to this world, to do some sort of community work or to volunteer.

I have spent my 20s working away on myself and I feel I have set a firm foundation on which to build my life upon. I have worked to plant positive seeds and I know they will bloom soon. I am sad to say goodbye to my 20s but I am looking forward to the fruits that will blossom in my 30s. I long for earthly and spiritual joys and my Golden Age shall begin.

Happy New Year

Greetings all,

It is a new year!

I went out for New Years and ended up going to a dance party. I am part of the site called meetup.com and I'm in a bunch of groups. Two groups had scheduled an event to go out to a party. One of the groups said she was linking up with the other and gave out a # for tickets. It turns out this was for a different party and I RSVPed to the other event, thinking the ticket was good for that event. The one I wanted to go was already sold out and Russell Peters was going to host.

I was quite disappointed but tried to make the best of things. The organizer for the event didn't RSVP to her own event so I thought I'd be going to this event alone but the guy whom I bought my ticket from was there and he said she'd be here so I at least was glad to not spend it alone.

I saw the other meetup group members in line because I didn't realize the hotel where these parties were, had multiple parties going on. I showed them my ticket and they said that it was the right one but when I went back in line, they said it was not the right ticket.

The party I went to had alot of older people and couples over 40 and so I didn't feel comfortable about that. I dressed sexy for guys my age, not to be lusted over by older men!

* * *
My birthday is coming soon and will be on the 13th. I decided to have a party at my place and invited all of my friends from facebook. My roommate won't be around and her birthday is 5 days before mine. When she first moved in she told me that she doesn't want her friends over when she is not around, meaning basically that I couldn't become friends with her friends if she wasn't around. She told me that happened at the last place she moved in and one of her friends started hanging out there when she wasn't with her other roommates and she didn't like that.

I thought that was strange and thought 'don't your friends have their own minds and do what they want?'

Anyways, one of her friends is my friend on facebook. I invited everyone, even those who live in other provinces - mainly because I didn't have time to sort through who lives too far away, etc. I invited her friend and she told me today to remove him from the guest list. I said he can just reply no. And she responds "remember what I told you" in a threatening sort of tone.

I called up my friend because frankly, this is crazy to me and she agreed with me as well. I feel like she is some sort of Hitler and I just don't feel comfortable living with her. I don't even feel like I can relax in my own place when she is around.

I am not sure how to proceed with things because I do want to move to Toronto and don't see the point of kicking her out and getting a new roommate (or not) for 2 or 3 months.

I was told to send her love as a means of protecting myself and to send people love when they hurt you. I am going to have try that because I don't want to fall down to her level.

* * *
Well I talked to my roommate just now. Actually she confronted me. I wrote on my facebook status that I feel like I am living with Hitler and she read that and told me she is going to look for a new place. She bullied me as well asking me how do I bully her? I tried explaining and what not but she is a bully and said I was being childish about my status. She was attacking me and I tried to calmly explain my side but she just kept attacking and digging and interogating. I told her that if she felt like I was bullying her, I would be concerned but she didn't seem concerned that I felt bullied because she doesn't think she is one.

It's hard not to let this bother me but she is going to make me look like the bad guy when she should have looked at how her own behaviour is making me uncomfortable. I told her how I don't feel safe and she just bulldozed through what I said, not paying any attention to my feelings.

I honestly think that a normal person would want to know why this person feels this person is being bullied. I can understand feeling hurt but people don't write those things for no reason.

Dealing with her is like dealing with a rabid Chihuahua.

* * *
You know this was supposed to be the year that everything falls into place for me and so far it sucks! I started to read this book called "Why Men Marry Some Women and Not others". I read some of it yesterday. I feel panicky about ever being able to find the right man to marry. It talked about how women need to start looking for a man at 28. I am only up to chapter 4 but reading it is making me too stressed.

I just got to relax and hope things in my life will work out.

And I'm Done with You!

Greetings all,

I decided on Boxing Day to remove Daniel as my friend on Facebook. It was last year on Boxing Day that he finally got the balls to call me after 4 months of messaging me and being my friend on facebook.

He didn't even wish me a Merry Christmas this year and he didn't respond to my message on Facebook as well. I sent him a message a while ago stating that I no longer felt comfortable messaging him as a way to get to know him and asked for him to come up with some other way to get to know me. I didn't want to come out and ask him but I was expecting him to suggest we talk on Skype. I then sent another message about 2 weeks later asking if he's had the chance to think about what I wrote but I heard nothing from him.

I am looking for a relationship so I figure he probably is not ready for one even though maybe he thinks he is. I am just going to forget about him and if he wants me he can find me. I have no time to waste.

Am I just being a woman by expecting a Merry Christmas? Since I am dating others until I get a committment, even these guys have the courtesy to wish me a Merry Christmas. For a British person, he was quite rude!

This is probably my 3rd or 2nd time removing Daniel as my friend and he did it to me twice as well. I know this is juvenile. I've had a couple of guys on the Speedating application or on some other dating site I'm on add me as their friend but I end up removing them if I don't hear from them anymore. I think from now on I won't add guys that are boyfriend prospects. That to me seems the simplest of solutions.

I also used Facebook as a revenge tool against Daniel, which again I know is juvenile. I had a date and wrote as my status update that I "am looking forward to my hot date. Meow". The next day or 2 I see on Daniel's wall that he adds the dating application (I think this is what it's called) So Are You Interested? About 5 days after my date with this guy he asks me to go salsa dancing so I update my status to say that I'm "looking forward to my salsa dancing date" and I check Daniel's wall the next day and see that he was searching profiles on the So Are you Interested? dating application. A few days after that he clears that from him wall.

I know that he was doing that to piss me off, much like how I was using my status updates to piss him off. I know I'm bad. But I was only doing that to let him know that I'm not sitting around waiting for him. I am making myself available and he better snatch me up otherwise I'll find someone local.

But no that doesn't work and so I am just getting rid of him as my friend. If he wants me he can find me because I am done waiting for him!

Psycho Girl

Greetings all,

I actually had my meeting with my roommate on Sunday night and it lasted for an hour and 20 minutes and off I went to my book group.

My roommate is officially psycho. I think I realized that she really is just immature and still has a lot of growing up to do. She just doesn't compromise well and is very much 'her way or the highway'.

She had a chance to speak about things after I was done and was still complaining how I was complaining at her last party about how I wanted the music to be lowered at 2.45 am. She kept harping I was jealous because I went to the other parties and didn't complain about the noise. I didn't go to that party because I was recovering from a cold. I don't know why I was not complaining about the music at the other parties but maybe the music wasn't blaring at 2.45 am. This is just such a stupid thing to argue for because all I ask is for the music to be lowered and here she makes a big drama that I am treating her like a child. I don't want to be the drag in the party so lowering the music to me sounds like a fairly reasonable request.

In her mind she justifies things by saying that she doesn't have parties all the time so having the music blaring so late is okay since she doesn't normally. It's not okay because I don't appreciate it and need to sleep with minimal noise. I pay rent too. It's just as much my space as hers. She just doesn't get it. Since I plan to move out to Toronto, I don't see the point in getting a new roommate, otherwise I would have asked her to leave.

She also has an issue with the way I clean and still insists she is the better cleaner.
Whatever!
She claims to be anal about cleaning which is fine but she doesn't have the right to demand that I clean as well as she claims she cleans. I clean as best as I can and don't appreciate being told that I am inadequate in that department. If she thinks my cleaning sucks and it's so important to her, then she needs to leave and find another place to stay. I cleaned the apartment a few weeks ago and she said she could still see hairs on the sink.
Whatever!
I know how much she doesn't like hair so I know that I clean things properly. I think she is just making that up!
She claims that she wears her heart on her sleeve and that she stands up for herself and doesn't take bullshit from anyone but I think those are fancy code words for "I'm really a drama queen" and "I'm a bully so it's my way or no way"

I began talking about the night where she called at 1.19 am so she apologized for that but then she complained how she didn't like my tone with her. I told her the next day (I was extremely pissed) in a calm tone with anger underlying it that I was not impressed and that we will talk about it another time. She saw that as me talking to her like a child.
Bitch I ain't talking to you like a child, I'm talking to you like an angry woman who rudely got woken up in the middle of the night!

I am still seething with anger and may have a follow up meeting because I had some things to clarify.

I also tried to explain to her that the lights on the Christmas tree are not a fire hazard and I told her that I did research but she wouldn't even acknowledge it and kept insisting like a psycho that she doesn't want her dog at risk and that her dog is her life (which is really sad if you invest yourself so emotionally into something that isn't human. I love my cat but one day she will dead and she can never replicate the love I get from people).

I had no choice but to agree to her stupid fear which really angers me. I am right but again am being forced to accommodate her to maintain the peace.

The other thing I complained about, which largely is because she is always nit-picking me is about the shower curtain. I usually leave it open after my bath and she closes it. She insists that it has to be closed. Here she wouldn't budge on this and insisted it be closed. I don't care and I am not going to close it. One day I caught myself closing but I say fuck it, I am not here to accommodate her. I leave it open and that's my style. She insists people will see it and they shouldn't. I say who cares? I don't even have people over and even if I did, I wouldn't care what they think.

This brings me to another issue. Since she likes having people over and I don't bring my friends over, she seems to think I'm some sort of social charity case. I'm not. I probably go out socializing more then she does but I like GOING OUT as opposed to bringing people to my house.

That's basically the bottom line. I have a certain way of doing things and she just needs to accept it. I'm not going to change the fact that I like to sleep without blaring music or that I like the curtain open. I am willing to compromise but I'm not compromising my opinions or my style. What bothers me is that she thinks it's okay to criticize my habits but I should not even dare to criticize hers. Living with someone is a 2-way street and this is my apartment as well. I felt bad that I had to bring up these petty issues but I was doing it because that's what she does to me and normally I just don't say anything and let her analness slide but Sunday night was a time for me to let her know I'm not to be bullied.

What also disturbs me is that she is so defensive about being treated like a child. Is asserting my needs treating her like a child? No but that's what she thinks and she needs to get over herself and realize that she is wrong.

In my mind as well, I am really the one in charge and I feel that I am pretty laid back and accommodating and do try to smooth over differences so that there is harmony and that we are both happy. I don't tell her how to run her life. I just expect bills to be paid, people to be respected and quiet.
The apartment is in my name and so are the bills. The furniture is all pretty much mine with the exception of her 2 couches.

Hissing Fit

Greetings and Salutations,

I have been visiting my parents for the holidays and ever since I moved out last year in August, my parent's cat hisses at me. We bought her about 12 years ago and she usually just hissed at my twin brothers since they didn't live at my parents when we bought her.
It was love at first sight for me when I met Sally. I was the one that picked her out at the SPCA. She still is the most beautiful cat in the world and no cat comes close to her beauty. But like many cats she doesn't like affection and is quite aloof. It breaks my heart because all I want to do is hold her and love her but she won't let me.
When I lived with my parents she would only hiss at me if my twin brothers were around to visit for dinner, which was usually on a Sunday. She would hiss because she was already stressed by their presence.
But ever since I have moved out she hisses at me. I don't understand where all the hate comes from. Is it because I left her alone with my wacky parents?
Come on Sally they are not that bad!
I love her so much and wish she would stop hissing at me.
I still would pick her up to hug her even though I was allergic to her but that's what I do for love. I don't care how much she causes my eyes to water. And now for over a year and a half I deal with this rejection.
Love hurts.

It Doesn't Make Sense!

Greetings and Salutations,

I think I need to accept the fact that Life Doesn't Make Sense!
When I look back over my life and I try to make sense of my life and the events and then I look at other people's lives and contrast to mine, I just realize, it doesn't make sense.

I am friends with this girl on my facebook whom we went to the same school as children. She is butt ugly and dumb but I think she is a decent person with (I shudder that I am using this expression) a good heart. She has half of what I want in life - a husband and children.

Growing up I always assumed I would be successful but much to my surprise, good fortune was difficult for me to come by. Now my life is starting to turn around and good things are starting to happen to me.

I try not to get jealous of this girl who has half of what I want because I have to keep the faith that eventually my man will come. If a butt ugly girl can find love and a husband, surely a pretty girl who is intelligent and compassionate like I am will too. But it sure doesn't make sense!

I chalk it all up to karma!
* * *
It's official!

My roommate is officially stupid!

I put up my Christmas tree a couple of weeks ago and also got an angel light decoration for the front window. My tree is fake. I went out one evening to do some errands and left the lights on leaving her dog home alone.

She wrote a note saying that it's a fire hazard. I did some research on the internet and found that if you plug too many outlets, or have damaged wires, then it is a potential risk. I bought new lights and the box said overheating will occur if you have 300 lights plugged into one outlet. I only have 50 lights.

My parents always left the lights unattended and there was never a problem. I know that overloading an outlet can cause a fire, but that can happen any time of the year.

So of course being the intelligent woman that I am, I ignore her ignorance and end up leaving the lights unattended for a second time as well only to have her write another message on the board about it being a fire hazard - which I didn't bother to read. I explained to her while down the hall but I don't think she cared to listen.

Do stupid people not realize that it's always important to respect and listen to people who are smarter then you? Or does their stupidity blind them to this simple truth?

I finally sent an email request to her about wanting a meeting but she says she is busy tonight and busy this week as it's Christmas. I will have to educate her about the lights. I will also be talking to her about how she is never to phone me at 1.19 in the morning inviting people over. There are other things as well that I have to talk to her about. I created a cleaning schedule because she was complaining how she cleans more but then she ends up not following it. I am starting to feel like she thinks I'm some doormat, which I am not. I may be laid back about things but I want order as well and expect to be treated with respected.

My New Video

Greetings all,

We are having a major snow storm here and so decided to create a video since there was nothing better to do.

Here it is:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4SYQtpSUqaU

I may be going to Hell

Anthroposophy and Angels

Greetings and Salutations,

Since I am interested in the philosophy known as anthroposophy, one of the things Steiner discusses is that of a spiritual hierarchy. He talks about the same hierarchy found in the Christian religion, which includes angels, archangels, archai, etc. I found myself open intellectually to these concepts but on a practical level, I had my doubts.

I joined a meetup group called 'Meet your Spirit Guides and Angels' a few months ago and the woman who runs it had been trained by Doreen Virtue's company (or Virtue herself, I don't know). Virtue has some Angel Practioner course and trains people to do readings for people and communicate with people's guides and angels and giving them messages or help with healing.

The woman who runs the group that I go to can see supersensible things and can talk to angels and Archangel Michael (for anthroposophists, we all know about Michael being promoted to Archai. I have wondered if these New Agers are aware of this or does Michael not really advertise this?)

The woman seems pretty normal and insightful so I don't think she's crazy or delusional but I feel like it is strange to meet people who do have this capacity. After all, Steiner talks about Angels but he talked about how difficult it was to perceive spiritual beings. But maybe now-a-days, it's getting easier to perceive spiritual beings because there are people out there who have these types of experiences.

So I am at this odd point in my spiritual understanding of the world because I theoretically understand the concept of Angels but to actually apply it is another. I have read that we just ask for help and they can. Steiner talks more about visualizing and speaking to them in imagination, although I haven't read if Steiner mentioned communicating verbally to them.

I never really felt like I had spirit guides or angels but maybe I have will to start asking them more for help.

My only problem is that I have also researched the power of the subconscious mind and so I wonder if what manifests as Angels or help, is really just this power of the subconscious mind since what gives the subconscious mind gets strength by just firmly believing in something.

Who Says Money Can't Buy Happiness??!!

Greetings and Salutations,

Growing up as a child, I got some decent toys. I enjoyed playing with My Little Ponies and Barbies. I even had a few Transformers. But the toys I always wanted but never got were Lite Brite and a remote controlled car.

I was always a little bit bitter about my childhood because I never got those. Today I decided to buy myself the toys that I never got.

I called up my mother to tell her my purchases and I told her how I always wanted a Lite Bright. She said she didn't even know that. I know that I told her I wanted a Lite Bright one year and so she probably forgot that I asked for it. I think they couldn't afford it or were too lazy to see how much they cost and so probably thought it cost more then what it actually was.

I also bought a Spinning Plate kit from Cirque de Soleil and so my total was $62.74.
I feel good to have boughten myself something I always wanted.

I played with my toys tonight and had some fun, although the Lite Brite uses a black sheet to cover the light and I am not sure if they made it this way back when I was a kid because frankly I think it's poorly designed since I now have to throw out the sheet that I used to make my design and I probably have to buy refill sheets.

My remote car was fun too and it can flip. I haven't figured out how to flip it but it has and I'm not sure if it just does it randomly or if I have to use the remote a certain way. I can only move it forward and backward but when it moves backwards, it rotates in a circle. I might buy myself another one that actually moves left and right.

My inner child is very happy today.

Yes folks, money can and does buy happiness!




This car can flip!!!



And so Jesus proclaimeth on thy remote operated vehicle
Jesus playing on my Lite Brite

Jesus' Lite Brite message

More Bitching on Relationships

Greetings all,

Thought I'd take a moment to rant about relationships. I haven't had a boyfriend in either 3 or 4 years, although I have been dating people. It's frustrating for me as I want a relationship and have a boyfriend but can't seem to find the right person and I'm not someone who gets a boyfriend just for the sake of having one.

I have one relative who was married for about 5-7 years and they divorced I think either 1.5-2 years ago and he's already been in a relationship and is now living with this person and they have probably been together for over 6 months. I know also of another woman who was divorced and she was probably married for over 7 years and got divorced around 2 years ago and is now on her second relationship.

I guess one could argue that maybe they are jumping in too quickly into a new relationship and haven't learned from their mistakes, or maybe they have learned from their previous relationship and have been lucky.

But who cares?

What about me????
What about meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee??? (whiny voice)

I think it's unfair.

You know the expression when God closes the window, another door is opened.
Fuck God, I'm suffocating in here!
Open the god damn window or the door.
Have you forgotten about me???
You closed one window and never opened a door or a window.
What the fuck is wrong with you?

Bitch slap God.

I know that it is what it is. So I just have to suck it up and deal with it.
I'm not doing anything wrong so I guess I just have to sit and wait as I am doing all that I can as since I am going out meeting people and making myself available on dating sites but it sucks.
It sucks large!
And whining online is less annoying then whining in real life.

Fuck Y'all!

Greetings and Salutations,

Today I felt really weird. Like this morning I felt happy. And I felt happy last night. And then afternoon hits and I want to kill people and am full of anger. I felt irritable but then I would have a moment of feeling happy but that was quickly replaced by my feeling angry and ready to lash out at people.

I had the weirdest dream last night and that was where a gunman was on the loose and I was trying to stay safe. I was hiding out in some underground stairwell with some others then ventured out into some medical building. I figured that I might be safe with these people since they weren't worried about being killed by this crazed gunman.

I researched to see what this dream could mean and this is what I got:
If the gun in the dream is used to hurt or kill you or someone else, please consider your current difficulties, hostile feelings or serious arguments, which you may have within yourself or with others

I think that is true because I was really scared in the dream and trying to avoid getting hurt. I was at a meetup group and we did some intense drumming meditation and since I meditate alot, I figure some more fear issues are coming up to the surface.

I'm just so fucking angry at everything but then I get happy again.

I came home from this meetup only to arrive at home where my roommate leaves a message saying not to leave the lights on while unattended. I finished putting up the tree that afternoon. I was pissed about that. I sometimes wonder how stupid can someone be? I just honestly don't have the patience for stupidity sometimes and just wish I was smart enough to calmly address the stupidity of things.

My parents always had left the lights unattended at my house and we never had a fire. I did some research online and read about how not to overload your outlets or use exposed wiring or leaving them on for a long time. I bought new lights so I didn't think leaving them alone would be a problem. We have a fake tree as well. I checked the packaging and it said an outlet can only handle 300 lights or it will overheat and I bought 50 lights.

My roommate continues to aggravate me. A while ago, I did something silly that greatly upset her and I apologized for it but she does something stupid like bring people over and wake me up from my sleep but doesn't have the maturity to apologize for things.

She's just a damn hypocrite at times. Likes to police people and if someone pisses her off, she demands an apology but can't seem to dish them out either.

She frightens me and something about her always made me feel a little fearful towards her but I try to be rational about things. After all, I'm the one who has the lease in my name. You would think she would be more respectful towards me but I am surprised that she's disrespected me a few times.

Damn it I need more balls to stand up to her. I can't use the excuse that I'm not her mom.

I'm just so full of rage at times. My one friend thought I was laid back. Yes I can be but I try not to lash out at people and so I have lots of repressed anger. I don't want to hurt people just because I'm hurting so I end up keeping it to myself, which isn't healthy. I've been working on it for years now so I am able to express myself calmly but I still have repressed anger that needs to come out.

I keep it in because I know how being angry at people for what seems like no reason can alienate people and I don't want to do that. I sometimes can see that I'm just really trying to protect myself and that deep down I'm just really scared about lots of things
* * *
I get angry that I am still single. I'm fucking awesome. What man in his right man wouldn't want me? I just should not be single. I'm nice enough, smart enough. Damn it I can't use the argument that I'm good looking because I've seen lots of ugly people find someone.

Eminem

Greetings all,

I've been listening to a lot of music by Eminem this past month and a half. I am enjoying the anger as well in his songs and find it entertaining. I also find some of his lyrics intriguing. The funny thing is I dated a guy back when I was 23 and he was 27. He was laid off from his job (parallel 1: like I am right now) and he had ambitions to be a writer (parallel 2: I write and have ambitions to be a comedian) and then on one of our dates he bought an Eminem CD and started listening heavily to him (parallel 3: much like what I am doing now) and then one day he went all weird and distant on me after being totally into me and even having me have dinner with him and his grandma. Then I got dumped. It's too bad I just don't have a boyfriend that I can be all weird and distant towards and then break his heart by abruptly dumping him.
Too many parallels!

Sacrifice

Greetings and Salutations,

I was talking the other day with my friend about raising children and she was saying that if you are to be a good parent, you are to make sacrifices and not be selfish. I argued that it's important if you are a parent to also take care of your self and nurture yourself emotionally and mentally, otherwise you will never be a good parent. You will snap. You will get angry. You will not be in control of your children unless you are in control of yourself. I don't believe in putting children first. I think if you always put yourself first, you'll naturally be able to handle the challenges life and your children throws at you.

My friend may think that is selfish but I don't. I know that children pick up lots of behaviours from their parents unconsciously and parents teach (or not teach in many cases) their children things unconsciously as well. Whether you learn to get angry over little things or you choose to calmly deal with things, largely the way a parent handles adversity and their personality and attitude has a direct influence on their children, whether they intend to or not.

So that is why I argue that a good parent always makes sure they take care of themselves and ensure that they eat, sleep, socialize, get mental and emotional stimulation and whatever else that helps to keep them healthy. A parent may not get 100% of their needs met, but I think it's important that they do their best.

Many people argue that parenting also requires sacrifice. I don't believe in that word and therefore do not use it. I think anyone who is thinking about having children should realize that it is a large responsibility. Many people don't even realize that even after they become parents. As far as I am concerned, if you want to raise mentally and emotionally healthy children, there are certain techniques that you need to implement for your children and for yourself as you cannot lead if you yourself are a poor example to your children.

One example I can cite is my friend had new neighbors move in and they happen to sell pot. They are vile people and have one daughter. They all smoke up at home. The daughter is only 13 and they let her 'boyfriend' sleep over and she cusses up quite a storm. Would she get away with this behaviour if her parents were more stable? Probably not.

I don't see raising children as making a sacrifice. I see that as doing what it takes to get the job done - no matter how challenging your children may be to you, as many times the problems your children create may be due to a weakness within the parent. We all have to decide what are our priorities and goals are and focus our minds on achieving those aims. That is why I don't believe in the concept of sacrifice because what I see in reality is doing the work that needs to be done to achieve the aims you desire. You get rid of what doesn't work and keep what works.

Although my friend said I probably wouldn't make a good mother, she has yet to see what I am like with children and so I am confident in my ability to raise children, when the time is right. Mental preparation is the key to achieving anything and being conscious of what kind of parent you want to be and what kind of children you want to raise will help to keep you aligned when things get out of line and tough and when you lose your focus.

The Heat is On

Greetings all,

I haven't been blogging for a while but there is much to report. I actually sent the English Muffin (aka Daniel) a message back in the middle of October and I actually heard back from him a couple of weeks after I sent it so we are talking again. Although recently I had to tell him that I will be keeping my messaging to a minimum as I find it cold and impersonal to get to know someone that way. I'm also still dating others and I am mostly meeting guys online and so I am keeping the time I spend messaging them to a minimum and this new rule I implemented for myself is going across the board. Besides I would rather talk on the phone and then meet for a date. Some guys I've been messaging for over a month and by that point I feel you should be chatting on the phone. I have no problem taking things slow but the phone is my preferred method of communication. Some guys also want to talk to you right away but I feel there must be a balance as I am looking to see if a guy is normal in the beginning and usually after exchanging a few conversational messages, you can tell and that usually takes around 3-5 messages.

I started reading books on relationships back in July and have modified some of my strategies and behaviours. One idea I've learned about it to wait until you get a commitment to be exclusive before you have sex as having sex early can bond you prematurely and is more harmful to women due to the chemical oxytocin, which increases during sex.

Another thing I learned is to give men space to process things and to not chase after them. I think in our culture, this is a lost art because we women are now expected to be go getters and sometimes I would apply this to the men I was interested and 'hunt' them but this works against women in the long run.

I am also dating around since I am shopping for a boyfriend. Since it is easy for a woman to bond to men and sometimes bond prematurely, she is better off dating multiple men until one decides he wants exclusivity and dating multiple guys keeps her from getting too focused on one prematurely.

I find dating discouraging at times and this process of finding someone is frustrating but I try to make the most of what seems like a bad situation. Some day soon some man will realize how wonderful and awesome I am and will want me all to himself. Until then, my loyalty is to myself and to no man.

I really wish I learned this kind of stuff earlier because I probably would have been smarter about how I behaved towards men I was interested in.

* * *
My roommate has been getting on my nerves again. On Monday she had the nerve to phone me at home while I was sleeping at 1.19 in the morning. She went out to a local hockey game run by some friends and she brought her new co-worker friend with her. She said on the phone that she was bringing a bunch of single guys from the hockey game and she wanted me to come out and socialize. I was not in the mood because I was tired and I didn't want to have to go through the hassle of getting dressed. As much as I enjoy socializing with single men, I do not want to at 1 in the morning.

I was quite upset and the next day I told her I was not impressed. She was getting sick so I never really had the chance to tell her how disrespectful it was to do that. I will be telling her tomorrow hopefully as she's been sick these past few days and I haven't seen her much.

She justified her actions by saying 'well at least I phoned'.
Childish and lame!

Anyways, I have been thinking of moving to Toronto and my friend and I will be looking tomorrow. I haven't told my roommate but probably will tomorrow. She has been starting to behave disrespectfully towards me and not being considerate when inviting people over and frankly I find her behaviour to be rather immature and lame.

I also wanted to mention that at some point she and her co-worker were yelling at these guys and saying how labeling men as dogs is an insult to dogs since dogs are loyal. I don't think the men stayed that long and I think their rudeness towards them was probably why they left early. I don't know if they were drunk but I would be offended if I were a guy.

So there is definitely some motivation to get out of here, although she is not the only reason why I want to move. It saddens me that things have been going downhill with her and that she's been starting to get way too out of control. I can't blame myself for her behaviour as I've always been a fair, accommodating and respectful roommate and things have gotten ugly because she is immature and unable to handle things and treat people like an adult and with respect.

A few weeks ago as well she had a couple of other people over and I went to bed at 11. This was a Friday and I was staying in as I was sick all week and although I was healthy, I didn't want to go out. She had the music on loud in her room and I had a hard time sleeping. I messaged her to lower the music as the last time I told her to keep the music down was at her party and she gave me attitude and I didn't want to be embarrassed like that again in front of her friends.

Honestly she needs to live on her own because she isn't courteous enough towards the people she lives with and she seems difficult to please at times.

Gay marriage

Greetings all,

I was watching Dr Phil today and they were having a show about gay marriage and they had both sides of the debate on the show, that is, those who support gay marriage and those who do not.

I live in Canada so we are allowed gay marriage. Apparently in California they took back this right and there is much conflict and rallies going on about this issue.

I frankly don't understand why there is such anger. Okay I do get it but it seems stupid.

I understand where these anti gay marriage people are coming from. They see homosexuality as a sin, which is their right - but not everyone shares the same belief that homosexuality is a sin. I'm sure science will figure out things about homosexuality. I've read that the brains of gay men are similar to women. I'm sure there is some reason why homosexuality exists but I don't think it's sinful. I don't think it's 'normal' as well in the sense that it is not normal in the biological sense for the species to continue.

I think people don't have to agree with or support or even like homosexuals but they are humans too. I have met some nice homosexuals and some that are just fucking jerks and stupid but I'm not going to judge them for their sexual relations.

These anti gay marriage people can argue all they want about how gays choose to be gay. I agree with this to some degree because there are people who do experiment but if they are being true to themselves, they will either be gay, straight or bi. I don't think they realize that we don't choose to be straight, it's in our biology to be straight and it's probably the same for homosexuals.

I dated a guy back in October/September and we were watching a movie on Newton's Dark Secrets where it discussed how Newton didn't have sex because he was more interested in studying and learning. This led to the topic of homosexuality since my date thought it was weird for someone to not have sex but I felt I could understand because I'm very intelligent and I have had my moments where all I could think about was what I was learning or thinking about and sex was the last thing on my mind (I know shocking but true!) and I'm sure Newton was the same way, although more intense.

He thought that homosexuality was on the increase and that everyone else in the world hates them. He thought homosexuality was disgusting. I was shocked and probably after 30 minutes I left because I couldn't respect a man who thought like that.

People do have the right to think that homosexuality is 'weird' and to not approve of it but why should anyone care what others do in their bedroom?

Homosexuality only seems on the rise because we are now living in a world that is starting to accept that they are people too. Homosexuals will always be a minority and they will never 'take over the world' and be the majority, eliminating the straight people.

I think as well that churches have the right to decide if they want to allow gay marriages but I think the state (the government) should allow gay marriages if the majority of people support it.

I don't understand why these 2 sides just accept their differences and stop the drama!

Yes I do Stand Up Comedy

Greetings all,

One of things that keeps happening to me and that annoys me greatly is how people react when I tell them I do stand up comedy. I joined a site that has a bunch of different groups that you can attend various social events. So I am always meeting new people. When I meet new people, I usually am a bit reserved and do not open up right away.

Then when they ask about me and what I do, I tell them how I've been laid off and am working towards being a comedian. I don't know what people expect a comedian to be like when they first meet people but I am not going to joking around and fighting for attention. That's not my style of behaviour when meeting new people.

Then they do the classic 'are you going to use us as material?' line.
I don't understand why they would think that. Like I get my jokes from observations and situations I am in or witness. There might be an element I find in meeting someone but how that manifests into a joke or character I don't know yet.

Yes obviously the people I encounter are material but to what degree is the question. I think comedy is something that people should be able to relate to. It's not about me going on stage and complaining about people I meet. I am an artist and artists take whatever basic material is thrown at them in life (people they meet, situations they end up in, situations they observe) and transform it into something new.

So yes I may actually use you, but perhaps just an element of you. Whatever element I take, I amplify it, exaggerate it and make it bigger. At that point, it no longer is you, it is comedy.

Yeah for Halloween!

Greetings all,

I bought myself a Halloween costume last night as I have 2 parties to go to. One this Saturday and one next Friday. The Friday one is important because there will be ... firefighters. So I knew I had to get myself a sexy costume so that I can successfully be hunted.

I bought myself my first adult costume. I normally just go as a witch as I have a hat that I bought years ago and wear a cape. I am going as Wonder Woman. I actually need to find myself golden rope or just paint some rope golden as my costume didn't come with it.

* * *
I was on a few dates with this one guy and I had to tell him that I wasn't feeling it and that we should be friends. He was clearly infatuated with me. We hung out a couple of times after I told him we could just be friends. We went a couple of weeks ago and he dropped me off and pulled the 'let me open the door for you from the inside while I sneak a kiss on your neck'. I certainly was not impressed because I made it clear that I was just wanting to stay friends. He was starting to creep me out because he was still interested in me. I am glad he hasn't called because I didn't want to tell him off.

I started thinking about infatuation and I think that it is impossible for a relationship to ever be successful if one person starts out being infatuated. I've had 3 guys be infatuated with me. One for a date. Another for a month and this guy as well.

I think there is a difference between chemistry and infatuation so I look more for chemistry. I find that when you are infatuated with someone, you don't even bother to get to know them because somewhere in your mind, they fit this ideal but there usually is no basis in reality.

When I think of all the guys that were infatuated with me, I do see that they hardly knew me or didn't make an effort to truly know me. They just had this picture of me that I triggered in them and caused them to fall for me.

I think from now on, I'll just not even bother with someone who is infatuated with me because they will never truly bother to get to know me. At least if there is chemistry, there is a chance.

Roommate Woes

Greetings all,

My roommate has been aggravating me for the past few weeks - largely due to the fact that we now have 3 couches in our apartment. She told me she was going to be bringing a couch and I figured we'd move things around to make it fit. I didn't know that she actually meant 2 couches and I am pretty sure I did not hear the word couches come out of her mouth.

I threw out the idea earlier that I could put my couch in storage (this was when I thought one was coming in). Of course upon reflecting upon it, I realized it's not fair that I do that and it costs money - money which I don't really have to waste since I've been laid off.

My roommate seems bitter that I made this suggestion and not follow through on it because I guess she probably thought I was serious when I was just trying to be polite and helpful about the situation.

She had a party a few weeks ago and wanted the couches there for it. I ended up being sick and so stayed in my room. There is more drama that happened - largely due to the fact that she is a bit childish about certain things. And I will not discuss that.

Okay maybe I will. She still had music going on in 2.40 am and I politely asked her to lower it and she rudely answered that she's having a party. A few days later she tells me that I embarrassed her. Excuse me but you embarrassed me by being rude. We live in an apartment and the party was pretty much done. Sure there was a few people left but it was done and we do have neighbors to think about.

The dining area was cramped because of the way she moved the couches. I couldn't put my 4 chairs around it. And the couches were arranged in a U shape and so they blocked entrance to the balcony, which means the only way out was to go through the kitchen. This was my other problem. I need to feel like I can move around and that I am free and mobile and I didn't feel this way because of the way the entrance was blocked. It was just too constrictive for me.

Last weekend she was away and I decided to clean things up and I started to feel motivated to move furniture around as well since nothing changed and I was starting to feel like a prisoner.

I made minor changes and it freed up the space in the dining room and there was a path to get to the balcony. I still maintained the U shape that my roommate had. I sent her an email just notifying her about this and that we could change it if she didn't like it. I didn't want her to think I moved it just because she was away.

She didn't like it and was being childish about the situation. I wanted us both to work out something that we liked but she said that she doesn't care and that I'm going to do what I want anyways.

So I left things the way they were.

I went out last night and so did she. I probably came home half an hour earlier and 10 minutes after she arrived, some people were over. I had a feeling that she was going to move the furniture to how it was - and she did.

It is absolutely atrocious the way things are.

She 'suggested' earlier that I put my couch in my room. I am not comfortable with that. Prior to the couches being brought, she even had the balls to want to switch rooms so that she could have the bigger room and put the couches there.

I will be having a talk with her because it's not about just her being happy or just me being happy. We both have to be happy with things and there is no point in being childish.

Another thing she did the other day was notifying me that my peaches were rotting. I threw them out and didn't think to throw out the garbage since the bag was half full (or half empty). She asked me about why I didn't throw it out and I told her because the bag was not full. I was having lunch so I figure I'd take it out after my lunch but she ended up doing it and giving me attitude.

So I am occasionally absent minded. Big deal! I don't throw out my rotting fruits once! I find she needs to relax about things and not get uptight about petty things. If I were consistently letting my fruits rot then yes say something. I am not petty towards her the way she is to me.

I have another friend whom I was thinking of moving out to Toronto so I don't care so much because we may not live together for much longer but I will still say something because I don't want us to leave on a bad note.

I'm tired of being abused and being lashed out at for silly things. I have been fair to her and ever since the couch incident, she has been getting out of line. I plan on having a talk with her because I do not need this drama and I do not want to feel uncomfortable in my own home.

Behind My Back?

Greetings all,

Since I've been doing stand up in Toronto, I am starting to get to know the regular up and coming comics who do the open mics to get their experience. One girl who is probably a few years younger then me is a little weird and her act is quite awful. I don't think she realizes how bad she is. I know I'm not that good and need polishing but I at least have some self awareness of what I am doing on stage. I wonder with this girl.

Since she's a little weird, I asked other comics what they thought of her and we all seem to agree that she is weird. At my show last night, the girl was there and other comics were starting to talk about her. I find that if someone is weird, people seem to chuckle when things from their past come up. Someone was commenting on the photos she did when she was younger as she did some modeling.

I started to wonder if these people would talk about me behind my back. I know I'm weird and I don't care. I accept my quirks.

People weren't being mean when talking about this girl but when they talk to her, they act all nice. It always bothers me to see people being nice to others after having witnessed them talking about them.

When I talked about her to others, I wanted confirmation that she really was weird and it wasn't just my imagination. I guess the people from last night weren't being mean but I always feel weird to witness someone being nice to someone when they were earlier on talking about them.

How else are you to handle weird people anyways? You have to be polite to them anyways. Why be mean to their face when you can be mean behind their backs?
It's not my style to be mean behind someone's back but if I notice things that aren't 'right' or they are acting out of line, I have to say something! I only talked about her to exchange information. I find there is a fine line between gathering information about people and gossiping. I try and get information on people and I am not into gossip and getting off on people's misfortune.

This girl was chatting to me yesterday and I was understanding her to some degree. I am a little sympathetic to weird people so I would listen to her to some degree (she didn't make much sense at least half the time). She did seem like she was trying to fit in and be nice and friendly towards others (she may have been trying too hard and that can work against you if you try too hard to fit in) so it's hard for me to be judgmental towards her. And I am a fairly compassionate person so people who are outcasts, I usually try to understand them.

Depending on the situation, I can be slow to open up to people and I find that I am now starting to open up a bit with the other comics. Maybe they do think I'm weird since I've been pretty quiet.

At least once they start to get to know me, they will realize that I am weird anyways!

Slipping

Greetings all,

I have been feeling for quite some time a sense that I am running out of time. There's so much that I want to do in life and to accomplish and I feel like I have no time to get it done. I've been laid off from my job in August and have managed to do some things but I still feel that time is slipping away. I feel like I've reached my peak and have to start achieving things now or I never will. And I am only 29.
My biological clock is and has been ticking since I was 26 and that adds to my stress levels. My fertility levels are dropping as we speak and sometimes I wonder if my biological clock is responsible for me feeling this intensity.

The more I try to grasp time, the more evasive it seems.
Why is relaxing so hard?

I find that the key to success for anything is to relaxed and alert but this is such a difficult mind state to live in. Especially for me since I've battled anxiety all my life and have made some progress.

Pain sucks!

Get Some Perspective

Greetings all,

My grandmother has been in the hospital for the past few weeks and was in intensive care. I'm not sure what exactly was wrong with her but she seems to be doing better. I was thinking about who showed interest into my grandmother's health and it certainly was not a corporation that came to visit her.

I see lots of people who become so attached to their jobs and put so much false hope into them and end up short changing other aspects of their life. I think many people lack perspective about what role work should play in their lives.

I think it's important to have ambition and to put time into the things that make you happy but sometimes people forget that it's also important to invest in your relationships and friendships.

When you are sick and old, is your job going to come and visit you? I doubt it. Perhaps friends that you made while working there.

I just don't understand people's striving for material goods and for this rat race. I always thought there were more important things in life then just buying stuff.

Another new video

Greetings and salutations,

I finished another video this week and it is up on You Tube. The link is: here.

Hope you enjoy it!

Also if you have a You Tube account, please rate it 5 stars (just to stroke my ego for me)

My New Video

Greetings all,

I have a new comedy short on you tube. I thought I reached my creative peak with my first video, How I Spend my Time when my Roommate is Away but fortunately I came up with another idea.

You can view it at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YX3e5nMpdTo

Enjoy!

Why I feel Ordinary

Greetings and Salutations,

I have been doing online dating for a while and many men will tell me how cool and amazing I am. Some of the time I don't really feel that way. I consider myself fairly confident person, although I can still feel pretty dumb about things as I am not all knowing and that disturbs me to some degree - although I accept my limitations - that I'll never know everything and be that uber smart person I dream of.

Anyways, I do interesting things on my own. I perform stand up. I do qigong. I travel the world and explore many things. I am willing to push past my fears. I am honest. I am an anthroposophist. I make comedy videos for You Tube.

But when I reflect upon myself, I sometimes feel ordinary. I don't feel special. I just try and be authentic in my life and try to be myself and try to grow and take risks. I don't think what I do is amazing because I feel it's a result of me being myself.

Yes I have my moments of feeling grandiose but that comes and goes and I accept that. You can't be grand all the time!

I don't mind feeling ordinary and so I accept it and sometimes it feels nice.

Pass me a Cigarette

Greetings and Salutations,

These past few days I've been getting into the habit of writing comedy jokes and tonight I was actually writing and staying focused on writing for a good chunk of time.

As much as I enjoy improv and the instant gratification it brings, it has made me a bit averse to writing. I have been slowly accepting the fact that I may have to begin writing again if I want to do stand up and other comedy projects as I have been very resistant to comedy writing. I've been learning about how to do stand up and have some work-along dvd that I've been using these past few days and so I've been writing comedy stuff again, which I haven't done since I was 16. I might have dabbled in joke or sketch ideas but I now seem to be taking it seriously.

And it felt good.

Part of what works in comedy is by starting off serious, or in other words, don't try and be funny. Set up things the right way and the funny naturally emerges.
So I've been writing just premises and topics. It's helpful since I'm not stressing out over being funny.

I keep a journal so I'm used to writing and I do get a certain satisfaction in writing that people who aren't writers may not get.
Writing is a means with which I can delve into my thoughts and give them expression. I can talk to my friends about these things but sometimes putting it on paper makes my thoughts seem more concrete.

Writing is so simple and I've neglected my creative writing for so long and I feel I am rediscovering this simple past time. I feel so complete as a human being.

My insanity is being properly channeled!

Somebody just pass me a cigarette!

Go Away!

Greetings and Salutations,

I don't believe I shared this story with my readers so I shall tell it now.
I had a friend who back in the beginning of July decided to terminate our friendship. He was formally a lover of mine and we dated about 5 years ago for a few months. We decided to be Friends with benefits.

I had a couple of boyfriends during this time but I always thought that we were genuine friends. I would still talk to him even though I would be with someone because I enjoyed talking with him and found him to be a good friend and I thought he was intelligent. I respected him as a person and thought he was a very emotionally balanced and rational person and that was what I appreciated in him.

He didn't really date people because I think he was a bit of a loner and he didn't go out much partly because he didn't have many friends or social activities that he participated in. He also was the primary caretaker of his children who are now in grade 9 and 7.

I had always hoped that we both would find someone to settle down with, preferably around the same time so that I wouldn't lose my benefits. I knew we wouldn't work as a couple but I wanted him to find someone eventually because I genuinely felt he shouldn't be alone for the rest of his life.

He started dating a woman that lived on his street back in January. We would still talk but around March he started to act distant. I typically just talk to him on the phone and don't actually hang out with him. Every time I would call he would say he was busy with Deb (the new girlfriend) or that he can't talk because they were watching a movie. Eventually I got fed up with him acting like an asshole and I sent him an email.

I contacted him before leaving for my trip to Europe in May and he was quite callous and when I asked him questions like how he was doing, he was giving me brief answers.

I contacted him about a month later and his daughter said he wasn't home so I tried the next day. I had this feeling that I shouldn't but I proceeded to anyways. His girlfriend picked up. I thought it was his son as the voice was husky. I asked if I could speak to your dad and she asked who it was and I said Paula. My friend answered and said "I want you to stop calling. My fiance and I don't you want you calling the house anymore". I was quite devastated to hear those words coming out of his mouth. I just politely answered ok and hung up.

I was in shock and stunned. I couldn't believe that he would end this friendship of 6 years. And I was also surprised that he got engaged to someone only after dating for about 5 to 6 months.

My coworkers were telling me his girlfriend is probably insecure because she probably threatened him to end this friendship. If he had more friends, she might have had a harder time trying to get rid of me. I can understand why she would feel threatened but if my friend had cared about me as a friend like I thought he did, he probably would explain that I am not a threat.

I am not someone who tries to steal someone's man. I think that's a waste of time. And how can someone be threatened by a phone conversation?

Some people are weird and my 'friend' is a spineless prick.

This almost just makes me not want to trust people anymore. I considered him a best friend and this is what he does to me? Thanks a lot!

What bothers me is that I've had a couple of dreams where he apologizes to me. Today I had a dream where he was telling me he was an idiot for what he did.

I don't want fucking apologies in my dreams. I want real life apologies.

I don't know if this dream was a message showing that perhaps on some level my 'friend' does feel bad about what he did. But you know what? I don't fucking care about getting stupid messages from my subconscious like that. I want real apologies. How is this to make me feel better?

I did move on from this incident but having this dream just reminded me again of this incident. I feel like I've moved on and now my subconscious is being a prick by reminding me of this all over again.

Fuck off already and leave me alone!

Faith

Greetings and Salutations,

Yesterday morning I had a dream where a friend of mine was telling me to start thinking that everything will work out in the end. To have faith, if you will.

I've always had to struggle with having faith in things but I guess I do show faith in things. Right now I just feel like I don't know if I'll have all the things I desire in my life. My desires are simple and yet I wonder if I will have them.

Things seem bleak at times but I try to be rational about things but I guess my dream was telling me something I needed to hear.

I am hoping my dream is right because it would be very sad if it were wrong.

Closing Shop

Greetings and Salutations,

I am making an announcement that will astound my readers.
I have decided that I will refrain from casual sex.

I finished reading a book entitled "Getting to I Do" (the title was lame but I think the book was informative and useful) and it was for women on how to be successful in long term relationships, that can possibly lead to marriage.

One of the sections discussed how not to have sex unless you get a commitment from the man and it makes sense because it discussed how having sex for women makes them fall more in love with someone and that some chemical is produced (oxytocin) that makes a woman bond to a man. It isn't produced as much in men as women and so for women to begin to have sex with a man, it can be addictive.

For men to fall in love with a woman, they need to commit because they do not fall in love the way a woman does, (who fall in love through sex and sharing their body).

Since my main goal is to find a long term relationship that may possibly lead to marriage, I decided that I will follow this. It suggests a dating period of 3 months.

I think it is useful as well since it forces you to be friends with them first, which I always felt was important. It states that friendship is the root and sex is the bloom.

I have had sex early on in the relationhip and I don't think it made me fall in love with the person, although it does tend to distract you from getting to know them to some degree. I don't think it was a problem for me since I always made it a point to get to know someone while dating and not getting caught up with the excitement of sex.

I guess for me since I am dating a bunch of guys, it would make sense to not be sleeping with each guy I date because I do not want to end up like a Jerry Springer guest.

I think I will try this out and see if it works for me.

The book had other useful advice and I recommend reading it.

The Joys of Dating

Greetings and Salutations,

I generally hate dating because it is like job hunting. It's a numbers game and you just got to keep plugging away until you get a match. But there is some joy in this process so don't feel sorry for me my dear readers.

One thing I enjoy about dating is that, as a woman, men generally will pay for things in the beginning. I had gone on 4 dates these past 3 weeks and 2 of the guys offered to go out for dinner. I like to eat so how can I pass this opportunity up? I got to pick where we got to eat and I actually had leftovers so I got to take this home for lunch for the following day, so that means one dinner would be equivalent to 2 meals. I figure I need to get me some more dinner dates since I'm not a fan of cooking!

The other nice thing about dating in the beginning is that guys are so nice to you and they like to compliment you as well and I enjoy getting told how beautiful I am.

One guy I recently went on a couple of dates does art and he did a portrait of me. I have never dated a guy who did something like that so he definitely got some brownie points for that.

Another guy I went out with, we went to the mall and I had to buy myself a photo album. We went to Walmart as I went to some other stores on my own and they didn't have what I wanted. The guy I was with bought some small items for himself. I wanted to pay for my own photo album but he was insistent on paying for it. I really didn't want him to pay so instead of arguing with him in line, I let him buy me it. How can I refuse a man who wants to be generous?

So folks, even though being single can be harsh and lonely at times, there are some benefits to it.

Thoughts on Work

Greetings and Salutations,

Since I've been laid off, I thought I'd express some thoughts about this very concept of work in our society. My department was notified we'd be laid off about 3 weeks prior to the actual date. I told my parents probably a few days after we were notified and my dad tells me I should start looking as soon as I was notified.

I really didn't appreciate being told how to run my life because I am not stupid. I know that you need money to pay the bills. I understand how things work. I am fortunate enough that I live in a society where we pay into a system that gives us some money if we have been laid off.

I feel like I shouldn't just take a job just for the sake of taking a job. I think sometimes people use work as a distraction so that they don't have to deal with their failures and feelings of inadequacies.

I actually want to enjoy the work that I do in life and I think there is nothing wrong with wanting to take some time to assess my life and the direction I want to take it.

The main reason people work is to buy things. The reality is the more money you have the more you spend. I'm not big on owning lots of stuff because the reality is most stuff that is out there is useless.

I've been in the work force for 9 years (not including working in high school) and I am not lazy and do have some level of ambition. I will figure out my life in my own way and in my time. I don't need to feel like I am scum and lazy because I am taking the time to evaluate my life and address my inner soul and spiritual needs.

* * *
I went out on Tuesday with the 'rents for dinner at the Mandarin and my father was quite grouchy and angry. My mother says he's been like that since they have returned from Italy (they were there for a month). He seems to like being there and chatting with all the relatives.

He said he was angry because he's not happy that I'm unemployed (through no fault of my own) and that he is worried. Now I don't know if he meant that or if he was really just angry because he likes being in Italy as my mom suggested and just wanted to use my being unemployed as an excuse.

It bothers me that they can be so negative and unsupportive. They have little faith in me. I had to remind them that it hurts me that they are so negative and pessimistic. I don't need them to worry about me. How is worrying about me going to land me a job? Honestly I keep my worrying to a minimum because largely worrying is unproductive.

I am tempted to lie to them that I found a job just so that they don't get worried.

Not Bitchy Enough?

Greetings and Salutations,

I consider myself a fairly nice and considerate person. I am also fairly assertive and generally do not have people taking advantage of me. Sometimes I wonder if I should be more of a bitch.

Some women seem to think that they need to be mean and bitchy to get what they want and they think that it's okay to be pushy and forceful.

Sometimes I've wondered if I should be like that but I feel like that's not my style. I think I've become more laid back as I have gotten older and I have noticed that I don't really need to stress out about things and get dramatic when things aren't going the way I want.

I wasn't born with the best social skills but over the years I have made an effort to understand human behaviour so that I can get along with others but also go after the things I want while still maintaining some sort of peaceful existence with others.

I sometimes think I should be bitchier but I seem to get what I want in a charming manner. I also think as well that these women think they have to be bitchy to get what they want but I think maybe if they had more social skills developed, maybe they'd understand that being forceful and bitchy can be a waste of energy and that there are more efficient techniques for being assertive.

Any comments and thoughts would be appreciated.

Philosophy of Freedom

Greetings and Salutations,

I began this project a couple of months ago and it's on You Tube. It is an anthroposophy project and I am getting an article published in the Canadian Anthroposophical Society's newsletter. I'm just going to post the article (not edited by them so it's the RAW version). Here is what I am submitting:

I am in a book group that meets weekly in Dundas, Ontario. Back in September 2003, our group decided we would study Rudolf Steiner’s challenging and insightful book, Philosophy of Freedom (Intuitive Thinking as a Spiritual Path).

We had Paul Hodkins join us for an evening to give us an outline of how to study this book. I believe he taught a series workshop at the Rudolf Steiner Centre in Thornhill, which a couple of my group members attended.

The method he taught us was to summarize each paragraph. There are 2 versions of this book. One is the English translation and the other is the American translation. It is the American translation that identifies the paragraph in numerical format.

Our group found this method of studying this book very demanding and yet very worthwhile. I feel that it disciplines your thinking in a way that is much needed in today’s world. One member had remarked she found it useful to read and study this book in a group as she may not have the discipline to do this if she were alone.

Our group managed to summarize the first 7 chapters of this book. For the reminder of the book, we decided to read it and have discussions. One of the members and I continued to summarize the paragraphs on our own.

A few months ago I had decided that I would share the work that my group and I have done. I decided to start recording myself and sharing this information on You Tube. I feel that Philosophy of Freedom has a lot to offer to its readers and I recommend reading it through a few times and then trying out this method to get a better understanding of it.

You Tube is a very popular internet site which offers viewers a broad range of topics and content. I felt that putting up a study guide about Philosophy of Freedom would be very helpful to those who may not have access to a book group or who would like additional help in learning and understanding this important book. I think it is useful as well since you can study the material at your own pace and listen to the sessions multiple times.

I encourage everyone who wants to deepen their understanding of this wonderful book by visiting my You Tube page at http://www.youtube.com/user/1funnyanthropop. Please subscribe so that you can be notified when I release a new video. I also encourage viewers to email questions or comments so that I can address them.

I have been deeply enriched by studying this book through this method and I hope to share what I have learned and grasped in this videos series with those who want to deepen their understanding of this great book.

Bored!

Greetings and Salutations,

Well last week marked my first week of being unemployed and as of now I am officially bored. I've made a personal decision that since the government is now my Sugar Daddy for a year, I want to try and take this comedy thing a bit seriously. I know there are people out there who are making a living out of it and that is what I plan to do. I know it will require me to step out of my comfort zone a bit and so that is why I've been hesitant to actually look for a regular job.

I know if I go and get a regular job, I'll keep thinking about comedy. I'll just keep repeating this cycle that I have been on and never be happy with the work that I do. i'm quite tired of this cycle and tired of having my talents go to waste - largely due to my lack of confidence in myself. It's not enough that I can make my co-workers laugh. I need more!

The good thing is that since I've been doing open mic nights since February, my confidence in stand up is increasing and I have 20 minutes worth of decent material.

Part of my strategy also involves producing short videos for youtube, of which I've already done my first. I would like to do at least one a week.

I bet making a living in comedy isn't as hard as I think it is in my head. I can get very emotional about things sometimes but I think if I try and think strategically it would probably help me feel less overwhelmed.

I am going to be doing something that I am not used to so I have to train myself. I have to train myself to take action in ways I am not used it.

I must rise above my feelings of self doubt and lack of confidence!
Huzzah!

My New Video

Greetings all,

I produced a video this Thursday entitled How I Spend my Time when my Roommate is Away. I posted it on youtube and would love for my wonderful readers to check it out and give it a 5 star rating!

Hope you enjoy it!

Sad Musings

Greetings and Salutations,

Today is a holiday in Canada and today is my official last day at my job (we got holiday pay as we worked Friday).

I'm quite sad as I feel overwhelmed and frustrated by numerous things.

I began this detox program which supposedly helps people to lose weight called the Master Cleanse (aka lemonade diet). I am on Day 3 and to get the most out of it you are to do for 10 days although I read somewhere you can do it for a minimum of 3 days.

I am interested to see if this detoxes my body and see if it helps me to lose some weight. I don't know if I want to do for 10 days. I find it to be a bit more expensive then when I buy my regular groceries because you are supposed to buy organic lemons and they cost $1 each. I've also boughten organic maple syrup and have finished the bottle already and that was expensive as well.

I think I have the discipline to do it but the cheapskate in me doesn't want to spend all this money. I have the time to do it but since I lost my job, I don't want to spend money so quickly.

I think 3 days is good though. I've always been someone that doesn't skip meals and I've broken Italian Law because I have not been eating solid foods for the past 3 days.

I find drinking the lemon drink helps to ease the hunger pains. Today I don't feel as bad as yesterday where I felt a bit stupid and slow to think. I woke up yesterday feeling really angry and I think that was because I was hungry.

* * *
Another thing that I'm going through that is causing me much heartache is I had some argument via email with the English Muffin and now he doesn't want to talk to me at all. I largely think that he misunderstood why I was angry. I made some comment about his friend and he obviously got defensive and protective. I was probably off when I made my initial attack and I was most likely being impulsive (largely due to my anger over what I perceived to be inappropriate behaviour). I think he didn't try to get where I was coming from because he saw my comments as an attack on the person whereas I saw them more as an attack on the behaviour and so I kept arguing my position on this behaviour.

I just don't think it was fair for him to not give this a chance to be verbally discussed because I probably would have apologized sooner or at least stop the argument and talk about it over skype so that it doesn't get too heated.

I've sent him a couple of apologies but have not heard from him. The last time we had some fight like this he didn't talk to me for some time and it really bothers me because if someone is mad at me, I'd rather talk about it and get it out of the way.

I think most people find this relationship with the English Muffin as strange. I'm still making myself open to dating other guys but I'm not really into it. I think because we have seen each other on skype and talked, I at least know that I find him attractive and I find for the most part we are compatible.

I probably should talk to him about these things but haven't gotten the nerve because it is a little strange situation to me to have feelings for someone that you just email and talk on skype with.

I probably should have told him that I think about him alot.
I probably should have told him that when I am out by myself or with friends, I wish he was there along side me.
I probably should have told him that I can see a future with him and that we can make this odd situation work (although he'd have to be the one to do most of the work as he has told me he wants to leave England)

I guess I feel a bit defensive and awkward about opening up about my feelings for someone whom I don't actually get to physically be with. I guess some people probably are skeptical or naive and I guess they can be.

And I find it even more strange that I have these feelings for someone and haven't had a chance to have sex with him!

All I know is that I've pissed off this guy that I really like and I may not get the chance to tell him my feelings because I've pissed him off so much.

Crrkk
The sound of my heart breaking