Greetings all,
I had watched today a documentary called 9 to 5: Days in Porn, which is a documentary about the porn industry. I was a little disappointed because I was hoping it would show more about the dysfunctional side of the industry, however I felt it was portraying it as a regular job.
The porn industry is obviously a big one, and I as a female who does not watch porn does not understand why. I personally would rather make my own porn for myself then profit off of it, although I see nothing wrong in doing so.
One porn star Sasha Grey was a regular porn watcher and went into the industry because she really wanted to create better porn. I think she was the most interesting because she knew what she wanted. She also was wanting it to be more creative and wanted more creative control.
They showed a former porn star who is now a doctor and works to test those in the industry. I think the industry has changed since she was in it. She talked about the negative side of the industry, however I wanted to see more of this. I just didn't feel the movie covered the darker side.
I had found out on Wiki after researching the following 'dr'. She actually has a Phd from one of those unaccredited degree mills (like Dr. Doreen Virtue I am guessing) in sexuality and was the founder for this organization that tests the porn stars. So this movie was misrepresenting her as on the dvd it calls her a Dr. which she is not a real one.
They all seem to enjoy their work and don't feel it's degrading. I would have liked to hear more about the male porn star. They only showed one and didn't cover him too much. I don't think any of them had drug problems but I'm sure there must me some. They all seemed pretty professional in this field.
At the end of the documentary they show the actors and say where they are now in their life and I was amused as an anthroposophist to learn that at the end, one of the porn actresses in the documentary was said to be wanting to send her child to Waldorf kindergarten. I was surprised because usually those who know what a Waldorf school are either enlightened or have lots of money.
Most of these people had relationships that were long term.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Greetings all,
I had gone to my doctor last week because I have been feeling sleepy since the beginning of September. I am still with my doctor in Hamilton and will need to find a Toronto doctor. I've contacted one place but they weren't accepting new patients. I may go down to that clinic since it had multiple doctors. I am currently with a female and prefer a female doctor, although maybe having a male would not be so bad.
I have not been feeling fatigued tired, just sleepy tired. Like feeling drowsy. I've been yawning all day and generally want to sleep although I can't. I had a blood test done so it looks like my iron is low and has dropped from last year. I was taking iron pills for 6-8 weeks and then was to take them during my period. I was doing this for a few months but didn't notice much of a difference in my sleepiness. I had figured that it was because of getting less sunshine due to the winter that I was feeling sleepy so that was why I went to the doctor. I was hoping there would be some medicine to increase my alertness so that I wouldn't feel sleepy all the time.
It's possible maybe I needed to stay on it longer. Back in December my iron was at 16, prior to that 25. Now it is at 10.
I had given blood a few times this year and someone told me black molasses was high in iron so I would start drinking that a few times a month. You just put in a tablespoon in a glass of hot water. I've read that giving blood can lower your iron so maybe that was why, however I would take the black molasses the day I gave blood and a few days after it. I had stopped giving blood because I felt too drained afterwards and felt like it took a bit too long to feel normal again. I felt a little low energy. When I took the black molasses, I felt like my recovery time was fast and I didn't feel that drained the next day. I had figured taking some black molasses would help with my iron issue.
I don't know if low iron is my problem or if it's symptomatic of a larger issue. I eat meat every day.
I'll be seeing the doctor again in November, so we'll see how much my iron levels improve.
I had gone to my doctor last week because I have been feeling sleepy since the beginning of September. I am still with my doctor in Hamilton and will need to find a Toronto doctor. I've contacted one place but they weren't accepting new patients. I may go down to that clinic since it had multiple doctors. I am currently with a female and prefer a female doctor, although maybe having a male would not be so bad.
I have not been feeling fatigued tired, just sleepy tired. Like feeling drowsy. I've been yawning all day and generally want to sleep although I can't. I had a blood test done so it looks like my iron is low and has dropped from last year. I was taking iron pills for 6-8 weeks and then was to take them during my period. I was doing this for a few months but didn't notice much of a difference in my sleepiness. I had figured that it was because of getting less sunshine due to the winter that I was feeling sleepy so that was why I went to the doctor. I was hoping there would be some medicine to increase my alertness so that I wouldn't feel sleepy all the time.
It's possible maybe I needed to stay on it longer. Back in December my iron was at 16, prior to that 25. Now it is at 10.
I had given blood a few times this year and someone told me black molasses was high in iron so I would start drinking that a few times a month. You just put in a tablespoon in a glass of hot water. I've read that giving blood can lower your iron so maybe that was why, however I would take the black molasses the day I gave blood and a few days after it. I had stopped giving blood because I felt too drained afterwards and felt like it took a bit too long to feel normal again. I felt a little low energy. When I took the black molasses, I felt like my recovery time was fast and I didn't feel that drained the next day. I had figured taking some black molasses would help with my iron issue.
I don't know if low iron is my problem or if it's symptomatic of a larger issue. I eat meat every day.
I'll be seeing the doctor again in November, so we'll see how much my iron levels improve.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Greetings all,
My mom had informed me this morning that my grandmother passed away last night. We were expecting it as last week she had low oxygen levels. She was taken to the hospital and she got sent back to her nursing home after a few days with kidney issues and water in the lungs. Now I have no more grandparents.
With the fall just around the corner, I feel death in the air. Everything is just coming to an end, to its death. Having this is just making me feel like I have no control anymore in life because time is the ruler. Everyone gets older and there is nothing we can do.
I would love to turn back time or to just freeze it but I can't. We are all prone to death and it's scary. We think by keeping busy and filling up our lives that that will keep at bay death but it doesn't.
Life seems so short and so fleeting. I just want to hold on to it but I can't. It's about letting go.
Youth does seem to be wasted on the young.
My mom had informed me this morning that my grandmother passed away last night. We were expecting it as last week she had low oxygen levels. She was taken to the hospital and she got sent back to her nursing home after a few days with kidney issues and water in the lungs. Now I have no more grandparents.
With the fall just around the corner, I feel death in the air. Everything is just coming to an end, to its death. Having this is just making me feel like I have no control anymore in life because time is the ruler. Everyone gets older and there is nothing we can do.
I would love to turn back time or to just freeze it but I can't. We are all prone to death and it's scary. We think by keeping busy and filling up our lives that that will keep at bay death but it doesn't.
Life seems so short and so fleeting. I just want to hold on to it but I can't. It's about letting go.
Youth does seem to be wasted on the young.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Greetings all,
I had applied for EI last month and got a phone call from the case manager yesterday. She had notified me that on my Record of Employment it said I was dismissed. I have not had the chance to see my ROE since the company sent it directly to the government and I am having problems logging on to the Service Canada website. I had written on my application that I was downsized due to restructuring. Because that's how I interpreted their reason which they said was 'human resource'. Pretty vague reason to let someone go. They had moved someone from another department into ours because her department was being transferred to another city. As well things were slowing down a bit so that's what I figured.
I was pretty pissed because now I am wondering if employers can access this information and as well, the company lied to me. They had stated it was a 'human resource' reason. Is this now the new code for 'you're fired'. That is utter nonesense. I will be seeking legal advice on this because this better not result in me not getting EI. I had a performance review months ago and my review was favourable. We had a new team leader so maybe he just didn't like me but that is no reason to get rid of me. I think he is a pussy and have lost all respect for him. I think there were others there who should have gotten let go whose performance was not up to par.
This is why I don't trust companies. They do what they want anyways. And they want me to work and slave for them???? Hell no! I want a balanced life and am not going to be so committed to an organization that only cares about itself and it's profits.
* * *
I decided to take this standup comedy class for only females. I took it last year and they also have a level 2, which is what I am taking. It started yesterday and what irks me is that some of the people in the class didn't take level 1 so I don't understand why they are in this class. The level 1 is on Thursday so maybe that was not a good day for them but I don't think it's right that they are taking it. As well it seems like the teacher is basically teaching the same things again and not doing any new writing exercises. I am not sure if this is good for me to take. I saw on facebook that they did a class show and had these cool posters. Maybe it's just a good chance to be seen.
I am also annoyed by one of the girls in the class. She was going to do a joke on this guy friend she invited to her place and made him think he was going to get sex but she was just calling his bluff and was not going to sleep with him. She had him naked on her roommate's bed with a condom on, ready to go. I don't know what their relationship was but I understood that they were friends.
What pissed me off is that this girl was being a cocktease and being disrespectful towards this guy. She's just playing with him in a way that I didn't think was cool and was cruel. What pissed me off more was everyone thought what she did was okay. I frankly thought it was mean and just a sign of her insecurity. And it's a way for these insecure people to feel better about themselves. It's not how a woman behaves, it's how an immature baby behaves! If a guy friend wants to fuck you and you don't want to, it's better to just tell him or dump him as a friend. I fail to see how being a cock tease is going to teach him a lesson.
I can understand wanting some revenge but I think it's better to take the high road with people. It reminds me of that Carrie Underwood song Before He cheats where she basically sings about her revenge on an ex. It's cute as a song but to me when a woman acts on her vengeful tendencies, that is scary and there is something wrong with the person. It's one thing to have thoughts of hurting someone but to act upon the destructive thoughts... well that is just wrong!
The girl was 24 and was a non stop chatter so I was really annoyed. As a woman, I was a little offended. I want to see females do something a little more intelligent instead of doing mean jokes about guys they jerk around with psychologically.
The other thing that irked me is that the teacher was telling me to turn my joke on me (so it ends up being self deprecating) whereas with this girl, she didn't tell her to do the same. The girl was being a cocktease so she should be making fun of what a trollup she is. Or not make the joke at all!
My style of comedy is not self deprecating at all and comedy doesn't have to be self deprecating. Some of the funniest jokes I can think of aren't self deprecating.
I wonder if this class will be good for me. I hope so.
I had applied for EI last month and got a phone call from the case manager yesterday. She had notified me that on my Record of Employment it said I was dismissed. I have not had the chance to see my ROE since the company sent it directly to the government and I am having problems logging on to the Service Canada website. I had written on my application that I was downsized due to restructuring. Because that's how I interpreted their reason which they said was 'human resource'. Pretty vague reason to let someone go. They had moved someone from another department into ours because her department was being transferred to another city. As well things were slowing down a bit so that's what I figured.
I was pretty pissed because now I am wondering if employers can access this information and as well, the company lied to me. They had stated it was a 'human resource' reason. Is this now the new code for 'you're fired'. That is utter nonesense. I will be seeking legal advice on this because this better not result in me not getting EI. I had a performance review months ago and my review was favourable. We had a new team leader so maybe he just didn't like me but that is no reason to get rid of me. I think he is a pussy and have lost all respect for him. I think there were others there who should have gotten let go whose performance was not up to par.
This is why I don't trust companies. They do what they want anyways. And they want me to work and slave for them???? Hell no! I want a balanced life and am not going to be so committed to an organization that only cares about itself and it's profits.
I decided to take this standup comedy class for only females. I took it last year and they also have a level 2, which is what I am taking. It started yesterday and what irks me is that some of the people in the class didn't take level 1 so I don't understand why they are in this class. The level 1 is on Thursday so maybe that was not a good day for them but I don't think it's right that they are taking it. As well it seems like the teacher is basically teaching the same things again and not doing any new writing exercises. I am not sure if this is good for me to take. I saw on facebook that they did a class show and had these cool posters. Maybe it's just a good chance to be seen.
I am also annoyed by one of the girls in the class. She was going to do a joke on this guy friend she invited to her place and made him think he was going to get sex but she was just calling his bluff and was not going to sleep with him. She had him naked on her roommate's bed with a condom on, ready to go. I don't know what their relationship was but I understood that they were friends.
What pissed me off is that this girl was being a cocktease and being disrespectful towards this guy. She's just playing with him in a way that I didn't think was cool and was cruel. What pissed me off more was everyone thought what she did was okay. I frankly thought it was mean and just a sign of her insecurity. And it's a way for these insecure people to feel better about themselves. It's not how a woman behaves, it's how an immature baby behaves! If a guy friend wants to fuck you and you don't want to, it's better to just tell him or dump him as a friend. I fail to see how being a cock tease is going to teach him a lesson.
I can understand wanting some revenge but I think it's better to take the high road with people. It reminds me of that Carrie Underwood song Before He cheats where she basically sings about her revenge on an ex. It's cute as a song but to me when a woman acts on her vengeful tendencies, that is scary and there is something wrong with the person. It's one thing to have thoughts of hurting someone but to act upon the destructive thoughts... well that is just wrong!
The girl was 24 and was a non stop chatter so I was really annoyed. As a woman, I was a little offended. I want to see females do something a little more intelligent instead of doing mean jokes about guys they jerk around with psychologically.
The other thing that irked me is that the teacher was telling me to turn my joke on me (so it ends up being self deprecating) whereas with this girl, she didn't tell her to do the same. The girl was being a cocktease so she should be making fun of what a trollup she is. Or not make the joke at all!
My style of comedy is not self deprecating at all and comedy doesn't have to be self deprecating. Some of the funniest jokes I can think of aren't self deprecating.
I wonder if this class will be good for me. I hope so.
Thursday, September 09, 2010
I went down to my parent's on the weekend usually we say our goodbyes at my car. I think when I was leaving, I was starting to become aware that I think they actually love me.
* * *
I started to feel sleepy again on Monday. I was thinking it was because now the days are getting shorter. I think last year I was starting to get sleepy around the end of October. Now I am starting to wonder if I have some other problem and not seasonal affective disorder (SAD). I tried the light box, vitamin d and calcium and iron and those things didn't help. Maybe I have some other issue. I am thinking maybe it's hypothyroidism or an adrenal issue. I've been reading a site a friend recommended called stop the thyroid madness. I've taken my morning temperature and it seems to be a bit low according to what the site is saying is normal. I'll have to speak with her because she has a thyroid issue and used over the counter meds and they helped.
I started to feel sleepy again on Monday. I was thinking it was because now the days are getting shorter. I think last year I was starting to get sleepy around the end of October. Now I am starting to wonder if I have some other problem and not seasonal affective disorder (SAD). I tried the light box, vitamin d and calcium and iron and those things didn't help. Maybe I have some other issue. I am thinking maybe it's hypothyroidism or an adrenal issue. I've been reading a site a friend recommended called stop the thyroid madness. I've taken my morning temperature and it seems to be a bit low according to what the site is saying is normal. I'll have to speak with her because she has a thyroid issue and used over the counter meds and they helped.
Saturday, September 04, 2010
Facebook Status Updates
Greetings all,
Some people are really annoying with what they post on facebook. I have some friends who I have to put their news feed on hide because of what they post. Now you may ask, what is the point then of this? I can still visit their profile but at least I am somewhat in control of what I see.
I have a few friends that play those farmville games or mafia wars. I don't need to see that in the feeds and I don't know why they hide this from making the feeds. It's quite annoying.
I have alot of friends who I've met on the standup scene and some of them promote their events in their status updates. Now not all the people that do that are annoying but I have a couple(as in 2 people, not boyfriend/girlfriend) of friends that I find are self absorbed and always seem to talk about how great their life is or always promoting themselves.
I think there is nothing wrong with that but to be mindful that it's rude to be constantly promoting yourself or to be so self absorbed.
One of these people is a woman in her mid-40s. She lives in Toronto but has recently moved to London. She was one of those people that had kids young so she probably didn't get to explore life much and probably started comedy when her kids were more grown. It's annoying actually to hear her constantly brag about how great her life is. I'm not jealous or anything but I am wondering if she is overcompensating for her (I'm guessing) previously boring house wife life. She always brags about if she is in a commercial or has some show. She is currently travelling in Paris. I on occasion visit her page so she is currently bragging about seeing things in Paris. Things I already saw when I was 28.
She also has some video blogs on her facebook but I find them really annoying and actually childish for a woman that age. She does a whole series on breaking up with her husband (which isn't true). I watched them and I just find her over the top but too much so that it no longer is funny. All of her friends are constantly saying how pretty and wonderful she is and her work and I just think that feeds her starving ego.
I don't know her well enough but this is just from what I gather. I have seen some of her standup and while I think she does get how to make jokes, her sets have primarily been sexual (I would say 90% have a sexual tone to it) and I personally cannot respect anyone whose entire set is just sexual jokes. It's too easy. As an improviser, the sex jokes, the jokes about piss and shitting. Those are the easy jokes. It takes skill to actually do 'clean' jokes and talk about things more intellectual.
I think she has came in second place for some contest where people vote who the winner is. There are a few out there for comedians. Some of those are just popularity contests and those are easy to win if you have lots of friends and are persistently bugging them to vote for you. Which she did. And which I didn't vote for her. I think I voted for someone else whom I thought was funnier.
I have decided that I will vote for those who I actually like, not if you are my friend. I think in the long run it's for people's good. It forces them, I hope, to keep persisting and working on their material. If they are always winning things because their friends vote for them, they don't actually work on their craft. Obviously in the entertainment world, not all who are successful have skill (like Justin Bieber) but at least overall most have some talent and skill.
I have one friend who is currently in Korea. I think it's cool. She's not bragging and so I don't find her annoying. The woman I mention is showing off and that is what is annoying. I'm not jealous of her successes and probably would respect her more if I didn't get the vibe that she was narcissistic.
The other guy that annoys me basically is the same way and constantly talks about himself and his projects.
I don't intend to unhide their feeds because their personalities are so annoying. I don't consider them my friends but more as acquaintances, otherwise I would unfriend them.
Some people are really annoying with what they post on facebook. I have some friends who I have to put their news feed on hide because of what they post. Now you may ask, what is the point then of this? I can still visit their profile but at least I am somewhat in control of what I see.
I have a few friends that play those farmville games or mafia wars. I don't need to see that in the feeds and I don't know why they hide this from making the feeds. It's quite annoying.
I have alot of friends who I've met on the standup scene and some of them promote their events in their status updates. Now not all the people that do that are annoying but I have a couple(as in 2 people, not boyfriend/girlfriend) of friends that I find are self absorbed and always seem to talk about how great their life is or always promoting themselves.
I think there is nothing wrong with that but to be mindful that it's rude to be constantly promoting yourself or to be so self absorbed.
One of these people is a woman in her mid-40s. She lives in Toronto but has recently moved to London. She was one of those people that had kids young so she probably didn't get to explore life much and probably started comedy when her kids were more grown. It's annoying actually to hear her constantly brag about how great her life is. I'm not jealous or anything but I am wondering if she is overcompensating for her (I'm guessing) previously boring house wife life. She always brags about if she is in a commercial or has some show. She is currently travelling in Paris. I on occasion visit her page so she is currently bragging about seeing things in Paris. Things I already saw when I was 28.
She also has some video blogs on her facebook but I find them really annoying and actually childish for a woman that age. She does a whole series on breaking up with her husband (which isn't true). I watched them and I just find her over the top but too much so that it no longer is funny. All of her friends are constantly saying how pretty and wonderful she is and her work and I just think that feeds her starving ego.
I don't know her well enough but this is just from what I gather. I have seen some of her standup and while I think she does get how to make jokes, her sets have primarily been sexual (I would say 90% have a sexual tone to it) and I personally cannot respect anyone whose entire set is just sexual jokes. It's too easy. As an improviser, the sex jokes, the jokes about piss and shitting. Those are the easy jokes. It takes skill to actually do 'clean' jokes and talk about things more intellectual.
I think she has came in second place for some contest where people vote who the winner is. There are a few out there for comedians. Some of those are just popularity contests and those are easy to win if you have lots of friends and are persistently bugging them to vote for you. Which she did. And which I didn't vote for her. I think I voted for someone else whom I thought was funnier.
I have decided that I will vote for those who I actually like, not if you are my friend. I think in the long run it's for people's good. It forces them, I hope, to keep persisting and working on their material. If they are always winning things because their friends vote for them, they don't actually work on their craft. Obviously in the entertainment world, not all who are successful have skill (like Justin Bieber) but at least overall most have some talent and skill.
I have one friend who is currently in Korea. I think it's cool. She's not bragging and so I don't find her annoying. The woman I mention is showing off and that is what is annoying. I'm not jealous of her successes and probably would respect her more if I didn't get the vibe that she was narcissistic.
The other guy that annoys me basically is the same way and constantly talks about himself and his projects.
I don't intend to unhide their feeds because their personalities are so annoying. I don't consider them my friends but more as acquaintances, otherwise I would unfriend them.
Wednesday, September 01, 2010
The Office
Greetings all,
I have been watching the Office lately. Not the British version, the American one. I'd like to see the British and see what the differences are.
I normally don't watch tv, however, last week I decided I'd actually rent a movie. I NEVER rent movies and maybe have done so once or twice in my life. The reason being is that I no longer use television and movies to fill up my time. I usually spend time thinking alone or on the internet or going out and doing stuff.
Now I have too much free time. I will probably start job searching next week. I am waiting to hear from an employment counsellor since I was considering becoming an event planner. It was so weird but I went to the mall where their office is and I felt really spaced out. I don't know if I was dehydrated or just tired from last night.
Anyways, last week I decided to throw caution to the wind and let myself zone out by watching television. I decided to rent The Office and I am on this $10 plan where I can take out as many movies as I want for a month. The catch is I'm allowed only to take one at a time. So far I am up to Season 3, Disc 1.
My favourite character is Dwight Schrute. I see a little bit of me in him. One episode he was saying he was going to punish people. Now I have felt that way at my last job at times. I felt some people were just so sloppy that they should be punished or fired. Dwight is more out there.
The thing I don't like about office people in general is that sometimes they don't come out and speak directly. Basically you have to learn how to read between the lines. I notice this in email correspondences as well. It is aggravating. I understand the need for professionalism but why not speak directly? What is wrong with saying what you don't like? I guess people just don't want to speak the truth and just would rather use the 'I don't want to hurt your feelings' as an excuse.
And I think the Jim character is cute. The actor was born in the same year I was and he's married already so I don't think I have much of a chance.
In the first season, I found the people so serious. I didn't understand why they wouldn't laugh at their bosses jokes. Some of them were funny. I think that was the funny part. It showed they had no sense of humour at all. I think the boss Michael is bringing in something useful to the corporate world. He is not that great at managing but he believes in being friends with people and he brings this human element to the office, even though he is out of touch with reality at times.
But isn't that part of being in the corporate world? Because he is wanting to be their friends, he is breaking the boundaries that the corporate world sets. But I think perhaps work would be more enjoyable if people did try to be more friendly and open and laugh.
Some of the stuff that goes on is sexual harassment so I find I have a hard time accepting that portion of the show. I have a hard time suspending my disbelief and that's probably also why I don't like to watch television or movies.
I have been watching the Office lately. Not the British version, the American one. I'd like to see the British and see what the differences are.
I normally don't watch tv, however, last week I decided I'd actually rent a movie. I NEVER rent movies and maybe have done so once or twice in my life. The reason being is that I no longer use television and movies to fill up my time. I usually spend time thinking alone or on the internet or going out and doing stuff.
Now I have too much free time. I will probably start job searching next week. I am waiting to hear from an employment counsellor since I was considering becoming an event planner. It was so weird but I went to the mall where their office is and I felt really spaced out. I don't know if I was dehydrated or just tired from last night.
Anyways, last week I decided to throw caution to the wind and let myself zone out by watching television. I decided to rent The Office and I am on this $10 plan where I can take out as many movies as I want for a month. The catch is I'm allowed only to take one at a time. So far I am up to Season 3, Disc 1.
My favourite character is Dwight Schrute. I see a little bit of me in him. One episode he was saying he was going to punish people. Now I have felt that way at my last job at times. I felt some people were just so sloppy that they should be punished or fired. Dwight is more out there.
The thing I don't like about office people in general is that sometimes they don't come out and speak directly. Basically you have to learn how to read between the lines. I notice this in email correspondences as well. It is aggravating. I understand the need for professionalism but why not speak directly? What is wrong with saying what you don't like? I guess people just don't want to speak the truth and just would rather use the 'I don't want to hurt your feelings' as an excuse.
And I think the Jim character is cute. The actor was born in the same year I was and he's married already so I don't think I have much of a chance.
In the first season, I found the people so serious. I didn't understand why they wouldn't laugh at their bosses jokes. Some of them were funny. I think that was the funny part. It showed they had no sense of humour at all. I think the boss Michael is bringing in something useful to the corporate world. He is not that great at managing but he believes in being friends with people and he brings this human element to the office, even though he is out of touch with reality at times.
But isn't that part of being in the corporate world? Because he is wanting to be their friends, he is breaking the boundaries that the corporate world sets. But I think perhaps work would be more enjoyable if people did try to be more friendly and open and laugh.
Some of the stuff that goes on is sexual harassment so I find I have a hard time accepting that portion of the show. I have a hard time suspending my disbelief and that's probably also why I don't like to watch television or movies.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
My Brothers
Greetings all,
I don't have the greatest of relationships with my brothers and I thought I'd discuss it and get my feelings out.
I don't get along mainly with my oldest brother. I have 3 brothers. Two are twins and they are mentally ill with schizophrenia. They are 9 years older then me. The other is 12 years older then me.
My oldest brother is not the nicest of people. We sort of got along when I was younger, however he doesn't handle stress well it seems and he has abusive tendencies. Back when I was in grade 7, we had a family dog. My friend would come over sometimes for lunch and one day we did. Somehow our dog ran away and I told him and he freaked out and went to hit me. I don't remember if he did but I made myself fall to the ground to protect myself because I didn't want to get hit. I was probably 13 and he was 25 and 6 feet tall. I probably was around 5'4 at the time.
When I was in high school, we had issues with the telephone and if I were on it and he wanted to be on it, he would get angry at me. I think he would rudely get on the phone and demand that I get off of it. I was not someone you mistreat and I would give him attitude back. Sometimes when he didn't get his way, he would call me abusive names. He has called me a slut and a whore several times. And in an angry and abusive manner. He was probably 28 at the time and I never had a boyfriend until I was 19.
He pissed me off so much while I was on the phone one time that I snapped and threw the phone in my bedroom. I made some damage to the wall. It's still there.
When I was 23 and came back to my parents from my summer of working in Yellowknife, he ended up getting himself in jail for harassing a woman. He had spent 2 weeks there.
I feel ashamed to have him as a brother at times. He is out of work and on welfare. He finished taking a course on how to be a truck mechanic and hasn't found work and doesn't seem willing to take any job. When I was in high school and he worked at Camco (which is shut down now), he would complain that he always meets these women on welfare and then would complain about how many single mothers are on welfare in Hamilton. I find it ironic that now he is one of them (on welfare). It's not right to be so judgemental towards people.
I am angry at my parents as well since I told them about the incident in grade 7 over the dog and they did nothing about it. They did nothing about how he's been mean to me. I think they have tried to talk to him but nothing improves. My dad and him do not get along too well.
My parents should have kicked him out. Or forced him to go see a psychiatrist, considering the family history of mental illness. I think as parents they have failed because they should have protected me from him and they didn't. They continued to let him misbehave. They needed tougher rules and to actually enforce them.
As a result, I have tendencies to be hostile towards and to be mean back. It's understandable because once someone crosses that line and starts abusing you, it's normal to become defensive towards them.
And then my mother blames me for the fact that we don't get along. We don't get along because he can be an abusive asshole and I won't just sit there and take it.
I keep my distance from him and sometimes he will email me to ask me how I am doing. It's unfortunate but it would be nice to have a nice, caring brother but I find he is too dumb and too selfish and too nervous and dysfunctional. I feel like an only child at times since I don't feel any connection to my other mentally ill brothers. I don't feel like I can turn to them, even though they are supposed to be the older and wiser ones. I'm actually the wiser one in the family.
Three brothers and none of them I feel close to.
I guess it would be nice to end on a positive note. I try to keep working on my happiness and confidence and try not to react to them. I try to stay neutral. Some times it's easier then others. I pray for my family though since I feel there is some dysfunction.
I don't have the greatest of relationships with my brothers and I thought I'd discuss it and get my feelings out.
I don't get along mainly with my oldest brother. I have 3 brothers. Two are twins and they are mentally ill with schizophrenia. They are 9 years older then me. The other is 12 years older then me.
My oldest brother is not the nicest of people. We sort of got along when I was younger, however he doesn't handle stress well it seems and he has abusive tendencies. Back when I was in grade 7, we had a family dog. My friend would come over sometimes for lunch and one day we did. Somehow our dog ran away and I told him and he freaked out and went to hit me. I don't remember if he did but I made myself fall to the ground to protect myself because I didn't want to get hit. I was probably 13 and he was 25 and 6 feet tall. I probably was around 5'4 at the time.
When I was in high school, we had issues with the telephone and if I were on it and he wanted to be on it, he would get angry at me. I think he would rudely get on the phone and demand that I get off of it. I was not someone you mistreat and I would give him attitude back. Sometimes when he didn't get his way, he would call me abusive names. He has called me a slut and a whore several times. And in an angry and abusive manner. He was probably 28 at the time and I never had a boyfriend until I was 19.
He pissed me off so much while I was on the phone one time that I snapped and threw the phone in my bedroom. I made some damage to the wall. It's still there.
When I was 23 and came back to my parents from my summer of working in Yellowknife, he ended up getting himself in jail for harassing a woman. He had spent 2 weeks there.
I feel ashamed to have him as a brother at times. He is out of work and on welfare. He finished taking a course on how to be a truck mechanic and hasn't found work and doesn't seem willing to take any job. When I was in high school and he worked at Camco (which is shut down now), he would complain that he always meets these women on welfare and then would complain about how many single mothers are on welfare in Hamilton. I find it ironic that now he is one of them (on welfare). It's not right to be so judgemental towards people.
I am angry at my parents as well since I told them about the incident in grade 7 over the dog and they did nothing about it. They did nothing about how he's been mean to me. I think they have tried to talk to him but nothing improves. My dad and him do not get along too well.
My parents should have kicked him out. Or forced him to go see a psychiatrist, considering the family history of mental illness. I think as parents they have failed because they should have protected me from him and they didn't. They continued to let him misbehave. They needed tougher rules and to actually enforce them.
As a result, I have tendencies to be hostile towards and to be mean back. It's understandable because once someone crosses that line and starts abusing you, it's normal to become defensive towards them.
And then my mother blames me for the fact that we don't get along. We don't get along because he can be an abusive asshole and I won't just sit there and take it.
I keep my distance from him and sometimes he will email me to ask me how I am doing. It's unfortunate but it would be nice to have a nice, caring brother but I find he is too dumb and too selfish and too nervous and dysfunctional. I feel like an only child at times since I don't feel any connection to my other mentally ill brothers. I don't feel like I can turn to them, even though they are supposed to be the older and wiser ones. I'm actually the wiser one in the family.
Three brothers and none of them I feel close to.
I guess it would be nice to end on a positive note. I try to keep working on my happiness and confidence and try not to react to them. I try to stay neutral. Some times it's easier then others. I pray for my family though since I feel there is some dysfunction.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Greetings all,
I have been slowly getting out of my depressed funk. My apartment has been getting really messy as probably since I've lost motivation to maintain it. I've been slowly cleaning it up. I was starting on Friday and emptied out some of the stuff in my freezer. I had gotten rid of a lot of crap in my fridge when my ex roommate left and so haven't actually gone through my freezer to see what needed to be chucked out. I was happy about that.
I have thought about going back to school in January. I am one conflicted individual. I was thinking of going in event planning and I think maybe some of those skills would be useful for an aspiring comedienne. Then I was also thinking I should just become one but I am still on the fence with that. I am hoping to speak to an employment counsellor this week.
The thing is as well is that I consider myself an intellectual and so look down on college. I would rather go to university, however I am not clear on what to take there. At least with college there are certain technical skills that maybe more useful for me.
* * *
I feel like I am being defeated. Is this a good thing? A bad thing? Who knows at this time.
I have been slowly getting out of my depressed funk. My apartment has been getting really messy as probably since I've lost motivation to maintain it. I've been slowly cleaning it up. I was starting on Friday and emptied out some of the stuff in my freezer. I had gotten rid of a lot of crap in my fridge when my ex roommate left and so haven't actually gone through my freezer to see what needed to be chucked out. I was happy about that.
I have thought about going back to school in January. I am one conflicted individual. I was thinking of going in event planning and I think maybe some of those skills would be useful for an aspiring comedienne. Then I was also thinking I should just become one but I am still on the fence with that. I am hoping to speak to an employment counsellor this week.
The thing is as well is that I consider myself an intellectual and so look down on college. I would rather go to university, however I am not clear on what to take there. At least with college there are certain technical skills that maybe more useful for me.
I feel like I am being defeated. Is this a good thing? A bad thing? Who knows at this time.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Rant Time
Greetings all,
I have a couple of things to rant about in this post. First of all, I went out briefly today and I have noticed that when I walk alone on the sidewalk, and two or more people are walking towards me (like a couple or friends), they will not move and I seem to be the one that is always moving. Well I am tired of being the one who always moves and I don't know what is wrong with people. Is it just the people of Toronto who act like this and think they are entitled to hog the sidewalk or is this just how people typically act?
No more Ms. Nice Woman anymore. I am not moving and adapting to people. Wake up people!
* * *
My other rant is hearing people have sex. I have a house that is close to my building. I have no a/c and so I have to keep my windows open to maintain some coolness in my apartment. I hear one neighbor whose baby cries alot. It's annoying. I always wonder what they are doing wrong. Babies usually cry for a few reasons. 1. they are hunger 2. they need their diaper changed 3. they are teething or are sick 4. they want attention and are bored 5. are tired or 6. they are just easily irritable.
So I always wonder if the mother is just being irresponsible as the daily crying makes no sense to me. Anyways, that annoys me, however I understand a baby doesn't know any better.
But what truly annoys me is hearing the neighbors going at it. I don't know if they are the neighbors next door or if they are the neighbors in my building.
Today I was having my dinner at 7pm and I heard the neighbors. This irks me and is my BIGGEST pet peeve. I have really good hearing too and that just makes it more annoying. I just think it's rude. They could have music playing so that people wouldn't hear.
So instead I decided to play some of my mantra meditation music and I was blasting it out the window. I don't know if it made them realize they were behaving inappropriately but I hope so. I hope it annoyed them as much as they annoyed me.
Selfish people suck!
I have a couple of things to rant about in this post. First of all, I went out briefly today and I have noticed that when I walk alone on the sidewalk, and two or more people are walking towards me (like a couple or friends), they will not move and I seem to be the one that is always moving. Well I am tired of being the one who always moves and I don't know what is wrong with people. Is it just the people of Toronto who act like this and think they are entitled to hog the sidewalk or is this just how people typically act?
No more Ms. Nice Woman anymore. I am not moving and adapting to people. Wake up people!
My other rant is hearing people have sex. I have a house that is close to my building. I have no a/c and so I have to keep my windows open to maintain some coolness in my apartment. I hear one neighbor whose baby cries alot. It's annoying. I always wonder what they are doing wrong. Babies usually cry for a few reasons. 1. they are hunger 2. they need their diaper changed 3. they are teething or are sick 4. they want attention and are bored 5. are tired or 6. they are just easily irritable.
So I always wonder if the mother is just being irresponsible as the daily crying makes no sense to me. Anyways, that annoys me, however I understand a baby doesn't know any better.
But what truly annoys me is hearing the neighbors going at it. I don't know if they are the neighbors next door or if they are the neighbors in my building.
Today I was having my dinner at 7pm and I heard the neighbors. This irks me and is my BIGGEST pet peeve. I have really good hearing too and that just makes it more annoying. I just think it's rude. They could have music playing so that people wouldn't hear.
So instead I decided to play some of my mantra meditation music and I was blasting it out the window. I don't know if it made them realize they were behaving inappropriately but I hope so. I hope it annoyed them as much as they annoyed me.
Selfish people suck!
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Down down down
Greetings all,
It has been a rough week for me as I have been feeling rather unmotivated and depressed. I had stayed at my parents for a few days and for the rest of the week I stayed at my place and had become depressed about my life and my work situation.
I just don't understand anymore my life and it hurts. I wonder often what is wrong with me?
I am smart, attractive and funny and yet there is something not clicking in my life and I just don't understand.
I've been trying to stay positive but I think I am better off accepting my situation and my pain. I really feel hopeless and I feel maybe I just will not get the things I want (family, job that I enjoy).
I feel beaten down and I don't like it.
I want certain things to materialize in my life and maybe it just won't happen. Why fight it? Why work hard in vain?
Why do others seem to have life so easy and are leading happy and productive lives? Life just doesn't seem fair.
It has been a rough week for me as I have been feeling rather unmotivated and depressed. I had stayed at my parents for a few days and for the rest of the week I stayed at my place and had become depressed about my life and my work situation.
I just don't understand anymore my life and it hurts. I wonder often what is wrong with me?
I am smart, attractive and funny and yet there is something not clicking in my life and I just don't understand.
I've been trying to stay positive but I think I am better off accepting my situation and my pain. I really feel hopeless and I feel maybe I just will not get the things I want (family, job that I enjoy).
I feel beaten down and I don't like it.
I want certain things to materialize in my life and maybe it just won't happen. Why fight it? Why work hard in vain?
Why do others seem to have life so easy and are leading happy and productive lives? Life just doesn't seem fair.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Moving On
Greetings all,
I had written a few years ago about a gumball machine business I had and other confessions about my financial woes. I am getting ready to sell them. I have taken a few out and plan on selling them individually as I think in the long run I will have more success in finding people to buy them, rather then selling the whole route. As well, over the years I have had a few stolen so my original 25 is now some weird number like 21. I have insurance on them and didn't bother to replace them since I had the intention of selling them.
I've had a few machines get stolen as I had picked up a few these past 2 days. They were stolen because the business owners probably went bankrupt and didn't bother to contact me to pick up the machine. This has happened a few times and the problem is that I don't chain them to something sturdy but also these owners are being irresponsible.
One of my machines was at a location of my ex friend Mike whom I talk about back here. I wasn't sure if he would be there as my machine was at his work place, a truck washing place. They have 2 shifts and he was the supervisor. I don't know if he still works there so I was nervous about what to say if I run into him since I didn't want to deal with him since he decided to not be my friend anymore. My mom has been accompanying me these past 2 days and I had told her that Mike was there and I didn't know what to say. We had talked and I realized I can just be polite and say I am taking out the machine. I don't need to be friendly or anything, just be professional.
Well luckily he wasn't there. I spoke to someone there to say I was removing the machine but I never bothered to ask if he still worked there.
I've had some issues with my dad because he didn't really like this idea of me investing in a gumball machine business. At the time, I really felt I could make decent money and maybe quit working so I could have more free time to pursue creative endeavors. He basically pulled an 'I told you so' yesterday and I told him off. At dinner tonight, I calmly told him my feelings about the situation. At the time I was doing what I thought was best. In the long run it didn't work out as I wanted it to but I did learn something from doing this. In that sense I don't think it was a mistake. Lots of successful people try things that don't work out they way they initially planned but they persevered and became successful.
I just want to get these out of my hands and move forward in my life. At least I tried and took a risk. I am upset at myself and do feel bad about it not going as I had thought. Of course I feel a sense of failure but there's no point in continuing to beat myself up. I've done enough of that anyways. Being responsible for these machines has felt like a burden so I will feel much better and lighter when I begin to sell them.
I had written a few years ago about a gumball machine business I had and other confessions about my financial woes. I am getting ready to sell them. I have taken a few out and plan on selling them individually as I think in the long run I will have more success in finding people to buy them, rather then selling the whole route. As well, over the years I have had a few stolen so my original 25 is now some weird number like 21. I have insurance on them and didn't bother to replace them since I had the intention of selling them.
I've had a few machines get stolen as I had picked up a few these past 2 days. They were stolen because the business owners probably went bankrupt and didn't bother to contact me to pick up the machine. This has happened a few times and the problem is that I don't chain them to something sturdy but also these owners are being irresponsible.
One of my machines was at a location of my ex friend Mike whom I talk about back here. I wasn't sure if he would be there as my machine was at his work place, a truck washing place. They have 2 shifts and he was the supervisor. I don't know if he still works there so I was nervous about what to say if I run into him since I didn't want to deal with him since he decided to not be my friend anymore. My mom has been accompanying me these past 2 days and I had told her that Mike was there and I didn't know what to say. We had talked and I realized I can just be polite and say I am taking out the machine. I don't need to be friendly or anything, just be professional.
Well luckily he wasn't there. I spoke to someone there to say I was removing the machine but I never bothered to ask if he still worked there.
I've had some issues with my dad because he didn't really like this idea of me investing in a gumball machine business. At the time, I really felt I could make decent money and maybe quit working so I could have more free time to pursue creative endeavors. He basically pulled an 'I told you so' yesterday and I told him off. At dinner tonight, I calmly told him my feelings about the situation. At the time I was doing what I thought was best. In the long run it didn't work out as I wanted it to but I did learn something from doing this. In that sense I don't think it was a mistake. Lots of successful people try things that don't work out they way they initially planned but they persevered and became successful.
I just want to get these out of my hands and move forward in my life. At least I tried and took a risk. I am upset at myself and do feel bad about it not going as I had thought. Of course I feel a sense of failure but there's no point in continuing to beat myself up. I've done enough of that anyways. Being responsible for these machines has felt like a burden so I will feel much better and lighter when I begin to sell them.
Friday, August 06, 2010
Unemployed Woes
Greetings all,
it's been my first week of not working and it's been weird. I've had a chance to settle down after my yoga retreat. I didn't do much this week and just did some yoga. I will have to start getting myself organized next week.
My mind has been all over the place and today it has settled a bit. I was thinking that at least with a job, I had a routine and my mind was occupied. Now I have too much free time and I end up getting absorbed too much into myself.
I will also miss the social aspect of work. I feel now that I will become too withdrawn. That happened a bit to me last year. I don't know if it's because I'm an introvert and since I don't have much external obligations, I just withdraw because of my introvert nature?
I want to get active again and I feel I've lost some momentum but I think I need to start finding work I enjoy. I know there are people out there who like what they do so it's not unrealistic.
I don't feel this getting laid off again is a blessing but maybe it is
it's been my first week of not working and it's been weird. I've had a chance to settle down after my yoga retreat. I didn't do much this week and just did some yoga. I will have to start getting myself organized next week.
My mind has been all over the place and today it has settled a bit. I was thinking that at least with a job, I had a routine and my mind was occupied. Now I have too much free time and I end up getting absorbed too much into myself.
I will also miss the social aspect of work. I feel now that I will become too withdrawn. That happened a bit to me last year. I don't know if it's because I'm an introvert and since I don't have much external obligations, I just withdraw because of my introvert nature?
I want to get active again and I feel I've lost some momentum but I think I need to start finding work I enjoy. I know there are people out there who like what they do so it's not unrealistic.
I don't feel this getting laid off again is a blessing but maybe it is
Tuesday, August 03, 2010
Yoga Retreat
Greetings all,
I had arranged to go to a yoga retreat a few months ago in Dahlogena Georgia, which is about an hour north of Atlanta. The couple that teaches the workshops for the weekend were Ana Brett and Ravi Singh. I have been following their dvds that they produce along with having my own practice.
It was challenging at times and I am still a bit sore. I was disappointed that I was laid off the day before and it almost has an ominous feel to me. I've never been to a retreat before so I was happy to go there.
I decided to fly out of Buffalo since it looked a bit cheaper. My flight was for 6 am and I ended up not sleeping. I tried to rest a bit at the airport. I was feeling some anxiety over my job loss and anxiety over getting there since I really hate flying.
When I boarded the plane, I felt this wave of panic at my throat centre and I just wanted to get off of the plane. I didn't know if I was intuiting something negative on the plane or just having a freak out over flying. I had never experienced this intense feeling of panic. I had felt so confined and trapped and I didn't like it. I was hoping this would be a safe flight but I was starting to feel like maybe this plane would crash.
I think because I didn't get sleep and because of getting laid off, I probably was more stressed then usual. My flight home was easier. I just felt some mild anxiety.
On the flight to Atlanta, I ended up crying a bit and tried to be discreet about it. The guy sitting next to me asked if I was alright and I said I was feeling better. He worked as an airflight simulator and I told him about how I felt confined and trapped and not being in control of the situation and not knowing what's going on. I know intellectually flying is pretty safe. I just think I'd like to know more about flying.
I was the lone Canadian in my group. I had thought there would be more international people. One woman was telling me someone she knew said that Canadians didn't like their health care and she didn't believe that. She asked me for my opinion and I said we all know it's not perfect but we certainly would not want to give it up and pay for it ourselves. I have not met anyone in my life who was against having health care. Complaining about it is one thing, wanting to get rid of it altogether is another story!
Americans honestly frighten me and I think it's largely due to the media portrayal. A gun loving nation with no health care and lots of violence and an addiction to the belief that there's a god.
They all seemed like normal people and I wanted to stay neutral about my feelings towards them. There are stupid people everywhere and I didn't want to automatically dismiss or judge any foolish thing they said based on the fact that they were American. But they mostly all seemed sensible.
I had taken a car ride to the airport with a couple and they had begun talking about the Afghanistan situation. I was hoping they weren't brainwashed that the whole war is just a scam but they seemed to be aware that this was not the right thing to be doing.
The Americans get fed alot of lies by their government and sometimes you wonder if they can discern through the nonesense. It's very scary when people cling to ideas that don't correspond to reality.
I felt out of it and I think it might take a day or two to adjust to the experience. You just end up going to a different place mentally. I didn't get an epiphany about what direction to take my life but I'm hoping that will come soon.
One of the people that was staying an extra night (as the last class was Sunday and I left Monday) let us use her rental car to go see some water falls in the area. We had went into town for lunch and she had scheduled a massage for the afternoon so we went back to the resort to drop her off. I thought that was generous of her since most people may not be comfortable with letting strangers use their rental car. The water falls were about 15 minutes from the resort so they weren't too far.
I had arranged to go to a yoga retreat a few months ago in Dahlogena Georgia, which is about an hour north of Atlanta. The couple that teaches the workshops for the weekend were Ana Brett and Ravi Singh. I have been following their dvds that they produce along with having my own practice.
It was challenging at times and I am still a bit sore. I was disappointed that I was laid off the day before and it almost has an ominous feel to me. I've never been to a retreat before so I was happy to go there.
I decided to fly out of Buffalo since it looked a bit cheaper. My flight was for 6 am and I ended up not sleeping. I tried to rest a bit at the airport. I was feeling some anxiety over my job loss and anxiety over getting there since I really hate flying.
When I boarded the plane, I felt this wave of panic at my throat centre and I just wanted to get off of the plane. I didn't know if I was intuiting something negative on the plane or just having a freak out over flying. I had never experienced this intense feeling of panic. I had felt so confined and trapped and I didn't like it. I was hoping this would be a safe flight but I was starting to feel like maybe this plane would crash.
I think because I didn't get sleep and because of getting laid off, I probably was more stressed then usual. My flight home was easier. I just felt some mild anxiety.
On the flight to Atlanta, I ended up crying a bit and tried to be discreet about it. The guy sitting next to me asked if I was alright and I said I was feeling better. He worked as an airflight simulator and I told him about how I felt confined and trapped and not being in control of the situation and not knowing what's going on. I know intellectually flying is pretty safe. I just think I'd like to know more about flying.
I was the lone Canadian in my group. I had thought there would be more international people. One woman was telling me someone she knew said that Canadians didn't like their health care and she didn't believe that. She asked me for my opinion and I said we all know it's not perfect but we certainly would not want to give it up and pay for it ourselves. I have not met anyone in my life who was against having health care. Complaining about it is one thing, wanting to get rid of it altogether is another story!
Americans honestly frighten me and I think it's largely due to the media portrayal. A gun loving nation with no health care and lots of violence and an addiction to the belief that there's a god.
They all seemed like normal people and I wanted to stay neutral about my feelings towards them. There are stupid people everywhere and I didn't want to automatically dismiss or judge any foolish thing they said based on the fact that they were American. But they mostly all seemed sensible.
I had taken a car ride to the airport with a couple and they had begun talking about the Afghanistan situation. I was hoping they weren't brainwashed that the whole war is just a scam but they seemed to be aware that this was not the right thing to be doing.
The Americans get fed alot of lies by their government and sometimes you wonder if they can discern through the nonesense. It's very scary when people cling to ideas that don't correspond to reality.
I felt out of it and I think it might take a day or two to adjust to the experience. You just end up going to a different place mentally. I didn't get an epiphany about what direction to take my life but I'm hoping that will come soon.
One of the people that was staying an extra night (as the last class was Sunday and I left Monday) let us use her rental car to go see some water falls in the area. We had went into town for lunch and she had scheduled a massage for the afternoon so we went back to the resort to drop her off. I thought that was generous of her since most people may not be comfortable with letting strangers use their rental car. The water falls were about 15 minutes from the resort so they weren't too far.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Not Again!
Greetings all,
I had been notified this morning at work that I was getting laid off. I was and still am quite surprised. My contract expires at the end of September. I know they can let me go whenever but I didn't think I'd be let go since there were others who are newer then me. I didn't get a clear reason for why I was let go but someone was telling me they were having some budget issue and maybe needed to let people go.
I had booked tomorrow off because I am going to Georgia for a kundalini yoga retreat. I really don't want to have to go back to finding a job. I know how hard that is and I don't even know if I want to go back to school.
I hope things work out for me. This year was looking good but then this happens...
Oh well!
I had been notified this morning at work that I was getting laid off. I was and still am quite surprised. My contract expires at the end of September. I know they can let me go whenever but I didn't think I'd be let go since there were others who are newer then me. I didn't get a clear reason for why I was let go but someone was telling me they were having some budget issue and maybe needed to let people go.
I had booked tomorrow off because I am going to Georgia for a kundalini yoga retreat. I really don't want to have to go back to finding a job. I know how hard that is and I don't even know if I want to go back to school.
I hope things work out for me. This year was looking good but then this happens...
Oh well!
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Friends
Greetings all,
The previous post had gotten me riled up a bit but it brings me back to a concept that if you want to have friends, then you have be a good friend. If you are being hurtful to someone, instead of further picking on them when they begin to challenge your behaviour, why not look at your own behaviour instead of being accusatory of the other? Maybe your the one with the problem.
The thing is with people like that is they get upset that no one likes them or no one listens to them. Rather then learning to modify their behaviour, they continue to blame everyone else around.
No one want to be treated in a hostile manner and eventually no one will tolerate hostile, mean and angry, bitchy people.
The fact that I won't tolerate assholes in my life is not about me having control issues but about me having a healthy level of self respect.
Some people have no power and are jealous of those people like me who choose to deal with their issues instead of letting the anger and resentment build up within them.
Some people are just inadequate and insecure and all they know how to do is be miserable and try to take people down to their level. I'm not going down that road as I choose to be happy and free and responsible and emotionally mature.
The previous post had gotten me riled up a bit but it brings me back to a concept that if you want to have friends, then you have be a good friend. If you are being hurtful to someone, instead of further picking on them when they begin to challenge your behaviour, why not look at your own behaviour instead of being accusatory of the other? Maybe your the one with the problem.
The thing is with people like that is they get upset that no one likes them or no one listens to them. Rather then learning to modify their behaviour, they continue to blame everyone else around.
No one want to be treated in a hostile manner and eventually no one will tolerate hostile, mean and angry, bitchy people.
The fact that I won't tolerate assholes in my life is not about me having control issues but about me having a healthy level of self respect.
Some people have no power and are jealous of those people like me who choose to deal with their issues instead of letting the anger and resentment build up within them.
Some people are just inadequate and insecure and all they know how to do is be miserable and try to take people down to their level. I'm not going down that road as I choose to be happy and free and responsible and emotionally mature.
Unfriending on Facebook
Greetings all,
I've had to unfriend an improv 'friend' on my facebook mainly because I had felt this person has been too rude on my status updates. I initially had blocked him from commenting on my status. A few days ago I had commented on his status. I am not hostile like he is and am socially appropriate. He had childishly brought up how I blocked him. I ended up messaging him and got some long winded response, basically not acknowledging and taking responsibility for his hostile actions and words. Had said I have censorship issues and doesn't understand why his humour offends me.
Half the time, the jokes and comments are just down right mean and cruel. You can't just say to people that you don't get their humour if you are behaving like an asshole half the time. It's not funny and it's being mean. It's not something to be proud of. It's down right sad.
I eventually responded. I don't know why because frankly I am someone that usually gives a little fight when being faced by this type of ignorant behaviour. I had said my boundaries were disrespected more then once and that he probably could be more sensitive.
Basically he is a hostile and angry person with emotional issues and basically hasn't dealt with them and so views the world and people from this self righteous and angry perspective. Has quite the chip on his shoulder. Whereas I am responsible about my emotions and anger and use yoga as a tool to help me process my hurt.
I'm not about to have that type of person in my life. I hardly see him in real life and certainly will not tolerate this online.
His response to my comment was:
Meh.
As a result, I unfriended him. It clearly shows his emotional maturity level is low and he is being dismissive. Friends have conflicts but I believe most normal humans can talk out their difficulties. Some people just don't want to and dig their heels further into their position and further believe that they are right.
I'm not responsible for the hurt people feel. They are responsible for their emotional health. I will not feel bad because someone can't manage their anger. That is not my responsibility.
I've had to unfriend an improv 'friend' on my facebook mainly because I had felt this person has been too rude on my status updates. I initially had blocked him from commenting on my status. A few days ago I had commented on his status. I am not hostile like he is and am socially appropriate. He had childishly brought up how I blocked him. I ended up messaging him and got some long winded response, basically not acknowledging and taking responsibility for his hostile actions and words. Had said I have censorship issues and doesn't understand why his humour offends me.
Half the time, the jokes and comments are just down right mean and cruel. You can't just say to people that you don't get their humour if you are behaving like an asshole half the time. It's not funny and it's being mean. It's not something to be proud of. It's down right sad.
I eventually responded. I don't know why because frankly I am someone that usually gives a little fight when being faced by this type of ignorant behaviour. I had said my boundaries were disrespected more then once and that he probably could be more sensitive.
Basically he is a hostile and angry person with emotional issues and basically hasn't dealt with them and so views the world and people from this self righteous and angry perspective. Has quite the chip on his shoulder. Whereas I am responsible about my emotions and anger and use yoga as a tool to help me process my hurt.
I'm not about to have that type of person in my life. I hardly see him in real life and certainly will not tolerate this online.
His response to my comment was:
Meh.
As a result, I unfriended him. It clearly shows his emotional maturity level is low and he is being dismissive. Friends have conflicts but I believe most normal humans can talk out their difficulties. Some people just don't want to and dig their heels further into their position and further believe that they are right.
I'm not responsible for the hurt people feel. They are responsible for their emotional health. I will not feel bad because someone can't manage their anger. That is not my responsibility.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Oh God!
Greetings all,
I just don't think I can believe there is a god. I'm not an atheist however and am more agnostic and skeptical that one exists.
I'm tired of hearing people talk about the will of God. Why does what happens that is beyond our comprehension have to be identified as the will of God? Why can't we just acknowledge the limits of what we know and not attach to god.
Is there a higher power? Who knows!
We humans, obviously need humility and the ability to surrender. Why surrender to a higher power or a god? Why not just surrender for the sake of surrendering and not to some higher power?
I just don't think I can believe there is a god. I'm not an atheist however and am more agnostic and skeptical that one exists.
I'm tired of hearing people talk about the will of God. Why does what happens that is beyond our comprehension have to be identified as the will of God? Why can't we just acknowledge the limits of what we know and not attach to god.
Is there a higher power? Who knows!
We humans, obviously need humility and the ability to surrender. Why surrender to a higher power or a god? Why not just surrender for the sake of surrendering and not to some higher power?
Monday, July 12, 2010
Online Dating Continues
Greetings all,
I've been on a dating site now for almost 2 months and have gone on 2 dates. The thing I don't like is that being that I am 31, I am looking for a man who is close to my age, ideally under 35. I'm being generous and have opened the window to men under 40 and sometimes will respond to someone who is 41. I am open to someone younger, although men tend to mature slower then a woman and so I'm open to someone as young as 26, although I would prefer no younger then 27 or 28.
Now as a woman, I think women have to be picky for biological reasons. We are the ones that carry the baby and so logically it would make sense for a woman to be picky.
I've seen one man post on his profile that he wants a woman with brown hair. I was offended by this and ranted to my coworkers at lunch because I don't select a man based on his hair. True, I may prefer blondes but I am open to hair colours. And it's a very superficial thing to be fussy about. I can understand things like wanting children and smoking. But a man in my eyes, has ZERO rights to be so fussy like that.
The other thing that is annoying is that I am having men who are well over my age range hit on me. I think I had someone who was 50 wink at me. That is way too old for me. If I already did the marriage and kids thing already, maybe I wouldn't be so discriminatory but since I want kids and a husband in the long run, a man that age is just out of the question.
Don't get me wrong, anyone can be attractive but I can't build my life with someone that age. I just don't understand why they even bother trying! I know some women in their 50s get frustrated that men their age are hitting on younger women, but being that I am a younger woman by comparison, I really don't appreciate it and I think they are wasting their time!
I've mentioned this before but men just need to be more realistic and realize that they are not the ones with the power when it comes to mate selection.
I've been on a dating site now for almost 2 months and have gone on 2 dates. The thing I don't like is that being that I am 31, I am looking for a man who is close to my age, ideally under 35. I'm being generous and have opened the window to men under 40 and sometimes will respond to someone who is 41. I am open to someone younger, although men tend to mature slower then a woman and so I'm open to someone as young as 26, although I would prefer no younger then 27 or 28.
Now as a woman, I think women have to be picky for biological reasons. We are the ones that carry the baby and so logically it would make sense for a woman to be picky.
I've seen one man post on his profile that he wants a woman with brown hair. I was offended by this and ranted to my coworkers at lunch because I don't select a man based on his hair. True, I may prefer blondes but I am open to hair colours. And it's a very superficial thing to be fussy about. I can understand things like wanting children and smoking. But a man in my eyes, has ZERO rights to be so fussy like that.
The other thing that is annoying is that I am having men who are well over my age range hit on me. I think I had someone who was 50 wink at me. That is way too old for me. If I already did the marriage and kids thing already, maybe I wouldn't be so discriminatory but since I want kids and a husband in the long run, a man that age is just out of the question.
Don't get me wrong, anyone can be attractive but I can't build my life with someone that age. I just don't understand why they even bother trying! I know some women in their 50s get frustrated that men their age are hitting on younger women, but being that I am a younger woman by comparison, I really don't appreciate it and I think they are wasting their time!
I've mentioned this before but men just need to be more realistic and realize that they are not the ones with the power when it comes to mate selection.
Sunday, July 04, 2010
Free Hugs!
Greetings all,
One of the improv missions we did yesterday was the Free Hugs mission. They have been doing this annually for several years and I decided to participate in this. Basically it involves having a sign saying 'Free Hugs' and you randomly hug complete strangers that you meet on the street.
I had made my sign on Saturday morning and was in a bit of a rush as the night before I went out and was dancing the night away so I didn't get to sleep until 3 am. I had to be at the meeting place for 3 so I didn't have too much time to doddle as I like to take things slow on my days off. I had decided to use a coloured bristol board and then use blank paper to cut out the letters. I just cut them directly from the paper, not outlining them. I was improvising! For some reason, I had a hard time making the letter G. I don't know why but my brain couldn't figure out how to do it and I had to write out on some scrap piece of paper how to do the G and I had to think about how it needed to be cut.
I am not the hugging type actually. I have read in a book a while ago, called The 5 Love Languages about the different ways people show love and hugging (touch) was one of them. I am more into verbal affirmations. The others were spending time with them, doing things for them (acts of service) and giving gifts.
This was actually a bit of an awkward experience for me but I like the concept. The concept of having a sign and giving random strangers hugs. I was definitely out of my comfort zone yesterday! We broke up into smaller groups and we made our way to the Yonge and Dundas Square. Our group was fragmented at times and I think we should have worked together more as a team to be effective.
Three guys were topless and had on their chests Free Hugs. Most of the people that come out to these missions tend to be in high school. These topless guys didn't get too many willing people to hug them and it's probably because no one wants to hug topless males, although some people were willing to be photographed with them, probably because they found it humourous. One of them had boxer-brief shorts so he just looked like an ass. And I think one woman that saw him just had a shocked look on her face. Most people don't want a hug from someone where their junk is just a little too visible.
A couple of the girls were more outgoing and so they were more successful in getting hugs. I think that's the key thing. It's like selling and you have to be a bit more outgoing and encouraging to the passerbys. Being that I hate selling, I wasn't really being that aggressive in getting hugs. I basically held my sign and would hope someone was open to hugging or I would be by the go-getters and get second hand hugs.
Obviously, you have to respect people's boundaries so if someone didn't want a hug, you don't push for it. There were many polite declines but there were people who were happy to get a hug. I certainly think being more encouraging helps.
I had wanted to do it last year and but didn't because I had other plans. I was a bit scared about hugging creepy people and perverts but hugging someone only takes a few seconds and everyone needs love in this world, even the creepy ones!
I had participated in the hugging for an hour as I had plans for a barbecue that night. I think the group probably was doing it for 1.5 to 2 hours, which I think is a bit long. I think the enthusiasm wanes a bit by the time you do it for an hour.
I think if I were to do it again, I'd probably feel more comfortable but it was a good experience, although a bit frightening at times.
One of the improv missions we did yesterday was the Free Hugs mission. They have been doing this annually for several years and I decided to participate in this. Basically it involves having a sign saying 'Free Hugs' and you randomly hug complete strangers that you meet on the street.
I had made my sign on Saturday morning and was in a bit of a rush as the night before I went out and was dancing the night away so I didn't get to sleep until 3 am. I had to be at the meeting place for 3 so I didn't have too much time to doddle as I like to take things slow on my days off. I had decided to use a coloured bristol board and then use blank paper to cut out the letters. I just cut them directly from the paper, not outlining them. I was improvising! For some reason, I had a hard time making the letter G. I don't know why but my brain couldn't figure out how to do it and I had to write out on some scrap piece of paper how to do the G and I had to think about how it needed to be cut.
I am not the hugging type actually. I have read in a book a while ago, called The 5 Love Languages about the different ways people show love and hugging (touch) was one of them. I am more into verbal affirmations. The others were spending time with them, doing things for them (acts of service) and giving gifts.
This was actually a bit of an awkward experience for me but I like the concept. The concept of having a sign and giving random strangers hugs. I was definitely out of my comfort zone yesterday! We broke up into smaller groups and we made our way to the Yonge and Dundas Square. Our group was fragmented at times and I think we should have worked together more as a team to be effective.
Three guys were topless and had on their chests Free Hugs. Most of the people that come out to these missions tend to be in high school. These topless guys didn't get too many willing people to hug them and it's probably because no one wants to hug topless males, although some people were willing to be photographed with them, probably because they found it humourous. One of them had boxer-brief shorts so he just looked like an ass. And I think one woman that saw him just had a shocked look on her face. Most people don't want a hug from someone where their junk is just a little too visible.
A couple of the girls were more outgoing and so they were more successful in getting hugs. I think that's the key thing. It's like selling and you have to be a bit more outgoing and encouraging to the passerbys. Being that I hate selling, I wasn't really being that aggressive in getting hugs. I basically held my sign and would hope someone was open to hugging or I would be by the go-getters and get second hand hugs.
Obviously, you have to respect people's boundaries so if someone didn't want a hug, you don't push for it. There were many polite declines but there were people who were happy to get a hug. I certainly think being more encouraging helps.
I had wanted to do it last year and but didn't because I had other plans. I was a bit scared about hugging creepy people and perverts but hugging someone only takes a few seconds and everyone needs love in this world, even the creepy ones!
I had participated in the hugging for an hour as I had plans for a barbecue that night. I think the group probably was doing it for 1.5 to 2 hours, which I think is a bit long. I think the enthusiasm wanes a bit by the time you do it for an hour.
I think if I were to do it again, I'd probably feel more comfortable but it was a good experience, although a bit frightening at times.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)