Sick of the Economy

Greetings all,

I am still unemployed and am sick to my stomach about my situation. I had a couple of interviews last week but didn't get the job. I had someone call on Monday so if they want an interview, they said they'd call by the end of the week.

I went to talk to an Employment Counsellor and if I want I can try and go back to school for January as part of the Second Career program, which would subsidize my education and living costs. The thing is I still need a job and have no money coming in.

I've applied to some service jobs and haven't heard from anyone yet.

All I want is to find meaningful employment and some money but things are just getting worse and worse. I hope things turn around soon. I am feeling so much despair and anger. It's hard not to take unemployment personally. I'm more then qualified for the jobs I apply to but there is too many of us out there looking for work.

* * *
I found out a few weeks ago that my 'friend' stole my credit card and used it to buy groceries. She is 34 years old and has a 2 year old daughter. She moved back to her family in PEI on July 1 because she was diagnosed with bone cancer. I knew about it then but I didn't call the cops to charge her with theft and I was too upset to confront her about it and deal with the drama of the situation.

I sent her a message the other day and I'm sure she has responded to me by now but I can't bother to read the email. I was disappointed with her and disgusted because I arrived home back in May after visiting her and realized my wallet was missing. She said her daughter probably stole it. Two days later she found some of the contents in her daughter's back pack. The next month I got a statement from my other credit card that I do not use and it was for groceries at the store by her house and on the day my wallet was missing.

I thought it either was her or someone from her daughter's day care who stole my wallet. I thought she was not the type to do something like that and so brought it up and she said she didn't.

I notified the credit card company that I did not make the purchase and eventually I got a copy of the charge and it looked like her hand writing. I got a sample of her hand writing and it matched.

There really is no excuse for this and she knows I was under stress since I didn't hae a job.

I will end up having to look at my inbox at facebook as that's where I sent her the message but depending on her response I will have to contact the police and press charges. I don't think I'd want to be friends with someone like that.

Maybe she was under a lot of stress but you just don't do that kind of stuff to your friends.

Toronto Fringe Festival

Greetings all,

I am a volunteer this year for the Toronto Fringe Festival. I've been seeing alot of shows these past few days and they have certain free shows for the volunteers as well as comps for the shifts that we do.

There is one play that is about some gay mother getting married. I didn't see it but frankly I am not interested in seeing anything about gays. I don't have a problem with gays but I am just so damn tired of the subject. I know in Canada, homosexuality has been decriminalized 40 years ago, which really isn't a long time. And sure there are still people who aren't comfortable with coming out but I think most people are progressive about this issue.

I'm just tired of some gays thinking it's a big deal to discuss gay issues. I don't know but I feel, like dude I get it your gay, let's move on!

I know in the USA, they are still quite backwards on this issue so maybe they should take the show there where it can generate some controversy.

I don't get the Pride festival either. I'm sure they feel great to declare their sexual orientation considering how repressed they have been but can we just move on already! You've got your civil rights already!

Now I didn't see that show but I'm just basing my opinion on the title and description. Maybe it's funny and interesting. Maybe it's not.

Another show I saw dealt with the topic of women's body issues and talked about plastic surgery, throwing up to maintain weight. This was another subject that I felt was done to death. The performer/writer mentioned at the end that there is a Q & A after the show to talk about this 'sensitive issue'. No offense but this was a sensitive issue back in the 90s (or maybe even earlier) when 90210 did some episode about this.

I just don't understand these writers/performers who take a topic that has been discussed to death and then claim their show is addressing a unique issue, when in reality they are tackling with an issue that has been in the media for decades.

Maybe it could work if things were done in a fresh and innovative way. But in this case, it was not.

Now I saw this show and thought it was super bland. I was glad at least that it was 40 minutes. Maybe the young woman putting on the show thought she was empowering women but I didn't think so. Not all women have body issues. Most people don't like themselves 100% and there is always something one wants to change but most people don't go to the extreme of having surgery, obsessing over diet and exercise and becoming anorexic or bulimic. Those extremes are a sign that the person is sick and has some major issues.

But most of all what was annoying was the show was put on by a skinny bitch. I really wonder what was her experience with this subject because she looks like she is one of those people who are naturally skinny. It's like hearing Paris Hilton talk about the struggles of being poor.

Not Always 'On'

Greetings all,

I'm quite annoyed as I was speaking to someone who posted an ad looking for presenters. Since I have improv and stand up experience, I mention that in my cover letter and I got to speak to the person today.

The person thought I was reserved and was expecting someone more gregarious. This is not the first time I met or talked with someone who expected that someone in comedy to be more outgoing.

The reality is, yes I am reserved but I'm not reserved all the time and sometimes enjoy being on stage and being gregarious. I am not always on and I get angry as well because I know I am funny and a good performer but because I am reserved at times, people will just judge me on that.

First of all, I think these people just go on this stereotype of how funny people should be. We are not always outgoing and many of us can be quiet and pensive. I think if I were to be outgoing and joke all the time, I would feel like I am not being myself and not being authentic. I try to be myself and sometimes I am cautious and sometimes I take risks and do strange things.

I'm not going to change who I am but people need to start changing their perceptions of how they think someone should be.

People are always full of surprises so stop having expectations of how you think people should be.

Karma

Greetings all,

I read on some forum someone asking if you believe in karma. The responses were typical - showing that many people don't even know what the concept is and merely stating that it's about 'what goes around, comes around'.

What the hell does that even mean? I just find people don't get the concept of karma and it's a vast concept. Steiner did over 8 volumes on that topic alone! And it's also a major tenet in some religions such as Buddhism. Why people gloss over it and fail to give the proper respect that it deserves is beyond my comprehension!

First of all, it doesn't matter whether you believe in karma or not. Based on my understanding of the world, there are certain 'rules' and karma is about 'cause and effect'. We all have certain thought and behaviour patterns that we get into the routine of. Eventually these things 'bear fruit' and we may not see the consequences of our thoughts and actions, potentially not even in this lifetime.

It has nothing to do with 'what goes around comes around'. You have the free will to do whatever the hell you want but if you go around screwing and hurting people, people will not like you or help you out. It's about living with the consequences of our actions. A mentality like that can only get you so far.

I find though that people use the word karma as a form of being self righteous towards someone. Usually if that someone is doing something hurtful - usually to them. I think it is inappropriate to have that mentality - that of delighting that someone will suffer because they hurt you - because it just fosters hatred and negativity. The whole point of life is to develop compassion and love and getting off on someone's ignorance is a sign of egoism. We all have egoism but the point is to purify ourselves.

This is where the concept of changing your karma comes into play. I learned through my mantra meditation practice that you can use things like mantra to create change and help ease difficulties. I am sure there are other techniques out as well to help deal with the blockages we ignorantly create in our lives and in past lives. I still believe in free will and we can chose if we want to change our life or not, we can chose to let go of pain and be more compassionate and peaceful. When we do that, we do change our karma and possibly open the gate for positive karma.

The whole reason for having compassion for someone is mainly because we create things and problems out of ignorance. It's like an employee new on the job and who is making mistakes. The person could be making all these mistakes out of ignorance because they weren't properly trained. Is it fair to be judgmental and harsh towards them?

I would like to learn more about Karma from an Anthroposophical perspective because I think there is so much to learn about this concept and I feel I have only scratched the surface. Steiner has some interesting examples where he talks about how karma plays out in personalities over several lifetimes and those were interesting to read and gave karma a more practical approach.

Falling Apart

Greetings all,

I am still actively looking for work and had an interview yesterday, although I do not think I was interested in the company because I couldn't understand the interviewer, who would be the future boss.

I am watching my life spiral out of control. I am doing my best but it's not good enough. I can't even seem to have luck with employment agencies because there is so much competition.

I would like to say that I'm losing my mind but I'm past that point already.

I've lost my mind and am having a hard time staying optimistic. My employment insurance is done and now all I have is my savings, which I had to buy a condo or house.

All of my dreams and hopes are going down the sink.

I'm digging deep but I keep coming up short. I've had enough and all I can say is I hope things work out. I just can't go on living and feeling this way.

I have no one to turn to. My friends can't help me find a job or figure out what direction is best to go. It's either sink or swim and it's all up to me.

Words of encouragement will have little meaning.

Everyone else is moving forward. Having babies. Getting married. Going to school.

I am just stuck and wanting to move forward.

Name Change

Greetings all,

I think I have decided to start spelling my name Pahla. I have not legally changed it to that but will be doing so because I have seen several people with different ways of spelling their name and thought that I might as well.

Purse Snatching

Greetings all,

I experienced my first purse snatching yesterday afternoon. I was not impressed. I was on my way to the bank as I just finished job searching at the library. I like to go to the library to get out of the house and use the wifi internet. I was actually sitting at a different table then where I normally sit.

At the table, a woman said she was going to watch a video and asked if that would be a problem. She wasn't talking to me because I guess the other people were closer and then the people at the table were talking with her. The other 2 people knew each other and apparently this woman was researching organ donation for her husband as he was in need of a donor. Although these people probably couldn't have helped, I thought it was sweet how the man was showing concern for her situation and encouraging her to tell people and get the word out about the situation.

I thought wow what nice people. I don't know if it's because I have introversion tendencies but I usually am quite fearful to initiate conversations with strangers (although I will speak to them if they start a conversation). I would never be like that with someone and be helpful. I'd be a bit nervous.

So I had left the library to go to the bank as I had some cheques to cash. I am maybe a 2 minute walk from the streetcar stop when I feel someone from behind me try to grab my purse. I have a hand bag for a purse. My friend makes fun of me because it has 3 compartments, 2 of which are open and the other is zippered. I like the purse because it makes me feel like a doctor. I bought that purse a couple of years ago and had a hard time finding one I liked.

I turn around and start pulling my purse away from her. I had to yell and I dragged her towards the street in hopes of getting a car involved and I eventually freed myself from her. I also was kicking at her and fought for my purse. If she had a weapon, maybe I would have not fought.

I was quite shaken up and went to the hair salon since it was the closest business and I told them what happened. Since I was still shocked, it didn't occur to me to call the cops but they told me to call the cops which I did.

One guy who was waiting at the streetcar stop gave me some information about her and where she went and I think he might have tried to follow. He had to leave for work but I asked him to give me his number and write out information for when the cops arrive.

The cops came and they were already looking for the person but didn't find her. They took me down the street where the guy told me she went down and we didn't find her.

I eventually got angry about what happened and I felt violated. This is my neighborhood and although this happened about a 10 minute walk from where I live, I don't appreciate it and I want to feel safe when I walk.

I joked to the cops though that she probably should have waited until after I went to the bank if she wanted my money, not before.

I told my friend and she thinks because I have a hand bag, it makes it an easy target to snatch so she gave me a couple of her purses (I paid some money for it) that you wear over your shoulder and hopefully that will make my purse not look so enticing to purse snatchers.

The irony of it all was I was wearing my Threadless (it's the name of an online store) shirt that said "Canada: living the American dream without all the violence since 1867".

I also read online at the site for the local police that it's best to release your purse if someone is trying to steal it to prevent injury. I think that makes sense if they have a weapon but I had fought back and succeeded. This woman was probably an inch or 2 shorter then me so I had a good chance of succeeding.

I was also surprised that my handles could withstand this because there was a lot of tugging going on. There were no damages to it either and my purse was made in China! China apparently can manufacture good products since my purse was not damaged as there were lots of tugging and pulling was going on. Yeah China!

So my day begins with being exposed to kind people showing concern to dealing with some criminal trying to steal my purse. Humans are quite strange!

Kicked out!

Greetings and salutations,

I got kicked out of my second meetup group last week. I emailed the organizer and asked why but she never got back to me. I attended 2 events so I don't know why she'd kick me out. I was thinking of leaving it anyways but I would have preferred to leave then get kicked out!

I showed up later for the last event but that was because we had dinner and I had to watch my money and didn't want to waste $20 on dinner and I am wondering if that's why. The group is for single women to hang out downtown and the organizer writes on the site that we women need to stick together! They spent probably an hour and a bit complaining about men. Maybe she could see I was getting bored and annoyed (or maybe I hide it well) during those conversations.

Most of the women were all bitching about the same thing (not all of them).
Bitching about things like:
How Men can't commit
How Men online lie about who they are
About Men who still live with their parents

This was going on as well during the first meetup and we were at a more fancy restaurant. I was riding home on the streetcar with another woman from the meetup, who was older then me, who I thought was nice. She remarked that it wasn't appropriate for them to be complaining in such an environment since other people were there wanting to enjoy themselves as well. I agreed since I found it pointless. So it seems to be a pattern going on.

I'm all for self expression and ranting because sometimes that can be productive but I don't know if that was what was going on. I felt like they weren't taking responsibility for what was going on. I mean, if a man is lying about who is online, isn't it up to you to figure that out? There obviously are men out there that need to mature and grow up before they are ready for a responsible relationship and all you can do is be aware of the men that you date and get involved with.

Since I've done some reading on relationships and, I think it needs to be acknowledged that because the genders sometimes react differently to things, there maybe some behaviours people are doing that are making it difficult for them to get someone to commit.

Anyways, we're only responsible for ourselves so why complain about the losers that are out there. We don't have to fix them!

I think all women should just accept the fact that all men are stupid and that only the smart ones realize how stupid they are (I think this applies to all humans though)! The faster you realize that, the easier it is to understand them! I just don't understand the endless complaining, it just makes them look bitter and unattractive.

Hating the 'Rents

Greetings all,

Sometimes I just don't like my parents. They are really different from me in many ways and sometimes I just don't connect with them.

Being that I am unemployed and still seriously job hunting, I get frustrated that my dad had it easier then me. He immigrated to this country when he was 23, knocked up my mother when she was 18. He managed to get a good paying job, considering he only had grade 3 education.

By the time he hit my age - 30 - he already had 3 kids and a house and a good paying job.

I don't even have that and I am not even close to having that!

I am a fucking genius who failed Mensa by 1%. I have never had a really good paying job and have had to struggle to find a good job. I want to be a comedian and here I am making nothing at this point.

I don't even have a boyfriend.

All I have is an upset uterus that wants to fuck men and have babies but I keep telling it to wait and relax.

It isn't fair! I have the will to work too so it's not like I can say I am lazy and that is why I am not having a good job.

I think my dad would collapse if he was born in another generation.

It really just boils down to luck.
And anyone that says anything about hard work is probably living in a bubble. Even if you work hard, that guarantees nothing.

I've done more and put more effort in work then he ever has but I am not even remotely ahead. He comes here to make a better life for himself but all 4 of his kids struggle to make it. They probably want us to be happy and successful but it really doesn't matter what a parent does because at the end of the day, we all will fend for ourselves.

I fucking hate you guys sometimes!

And He's Back!

Greetings all,

I had previously mentioned in my last post that there was someone I was interested in and that I would tell y'all another day. Well today is the 'another day' although technically it really is just a few hours. I did a show tonight and was in no mood to write.

Well the person that I was wondering if he was interested in me is none other then the English Muffin. I decided to send him a message back in April and we have been chatting since.

I had last written about him at the end of the year. To quickly recap I was getting all frustrated that we were just emailing each other since we started talking again. I believed I was slightly brainwashed from a relationship book I read and didn't come out directly to say that I wanted to chat on Skype.

Anyways, I figure he wasn't chasing after me because of how I abused my Facebook status updates, letting him subtly know that I was dating others because I didn't want to sit and wait around while he decides if he wants a relationship with me or not. I probably broke his sad little heart so I just messaged him back in April and asked if I upset him but apparently he decided to just ignore me since he thought I was on some mission on how he should and shouldn't talk to me.(which I could see how he would interpret that as such)

I didn't want to come off as demanding because I just find it easier to talk on Skype but like I said earlier, I was slightly brainwashed by a relationship book.

Anyways, I was still not sure if he was interested in me. I mean I know I was interested in him. He left little clues behind in his emails that made me still think he was interested but I'm a big fan of direct communication so I still had some doubts. He'd have to say 'I am still interested in you' and I think I would clearly get that message, so that's why I'd use the relationship forum.

I wonder if guys spend this much time analyzing girls because on that forum, these women spend alot of time. I enjoy analyzing but even I put a stop to it because it can get out of hand. I don't think there is anything wrong with analyzing a situation. A little bit of it can do some good and so I did ask for some opinions online since I guess I needed some feedback/assurance that I think he still was interested.

I admit to stalking him online. I mean I know he has a photo album up and I was hoping that he doesn't have something like Blog Patrol where you can see what countries are following you. I would look at them occasionally and see if he uploaded any new pictures.

It's not really stalking though, it's research!

So the other day he messages me and says he was looking at some of the pictures of when we were in Bath and asked if I wanted to come over again.

I was pleased to see that he was showing he is sappy like I am and probably was lusting at my picture much like how I would lust at his photo.

So now I plan on having 'my revenge' at the relationship forum to let the poster know that she was wrong in saying that he was interested but now he no longer was interested.

Okay I'm not really vengeful but it would be funny to post about it.

I let him know that I would like to meet him again but since I am unemployed and have to watch my money, it would be awhile but I let him know that it's his turn to visit me. I think though that since he has told me he has been thinking for the past few years that he would like to leave England for Canada, he probably should be doing more visiting then me since I know I am not willing to move to England any time soon.

And so the drama unfolds...

I Hate Online Know-it-Alls

Greetings all,

I have written back that I hate Know-it-alls but now I officially hate Online Know-it-alls.

I am guessing KIA are like this because maybe they are insecure about their intelligence or insecure in general but they are still annoying to be around.

I was on some online forum where everyone supports each other about their relationship experiences. The people are all pretty much single women and not married women giving advice.

I had explained my current situation and asked for feedback on various things and I thought most people gave good responses but one woman starts to turn on me and basically says I am not listening to the advice. I of course get angry because I am listening. It was like this person was creating a problem that wasn't there - accusing me of not listening.

And how does one determine someone is not listening? Am I going to get quizzed at the end of this message?

I am taking a few days break from these dumb asses to calm down but another person was agreeing with her. I was listening and I don't understand their problem!

First of all, most of these women desire a long term relationship but none have achieved that so there is going to be some flaw in their advice (a happily married woman probably could give better advice or not but at least one could argue these women haven't achieved their goal therefore what do they know?)

This person on the board was withholding her opinion which was basically she thought this person I was interested in was no longer interested in me (which others already thought he was interested). This person was withholding because she didn't think I was listening so there was no point in saying her opinion.

So as I write out my situation here on my blog, I can see the absurdity of this person.

I call people like that "Spiritual Growth" Nazis but I wonder if it really is applicable. I call them that because they are pushing you to grow but really it's their ego at work.

I will tell you all about this person who I think is interested in me another day (this person showed me that there still was interest just after this forum incident).

I will have to get back on the forum to let this ignoramus know she was wrong.

I think we are all entitled to our opinions even if they are contrary but why would someone act that way?

But what disturbs me more is that I let it get to me. I share my experience and make myself vulnerable, only to have someone act like they have my best interest at heart but they really don't, and only want to be perceived as the relationship expert.

In real life, I'd avoid a KIA but I like going to that board and it's difficult to avoid this KIA but I think as long as I am conscious of what is going on, then maybe this dumbass won't get to me as much.

Cops Can Be So Ignorant!

Greetings,

Today I was in my apartment, job hunting in the afternoon. There are 2 door entrances you can exit. I had to run a quick errand and went using the North door in my building to access the parking lot.

There is only one driveway to get out and as I made my way to the exit in my car, I saw a cop car blocking the driveway. If I had exited in the South door, I would have seen them and told them to move. I thought how ignorant of them to be blocking the only driveway we have to get out of here. They could have parked on the street and not have been so ignorant.

Well I honked my horn at them. I am not afraid of cops and frankly find many of them arrogant and many have an entitlement mentality. Like they think you should fear them because they have 'power'.

I do not have fear for people who abuse their power like that. I felt these cops were abusing their power by blocking the driveway. They were just sitting there for no reason.

The one cop comes out and starts giving me attitude because I honked at them. He accused me of having road rage. I didn't appreciate him overreacting to my honking. He expected that I get out of my car and tell them politely.

That is BS!

The cop shouldn't have taken my honking personally but as a common signal from one driver to another, to get out of the way.

I took down his name and he gave me his badge #. His attitude already put me in defensive mode. This is my territory and they were in the way for no legitimate reason only because they were too lazy to park on the street.

I also didn't appreciate him saying I have road rage because I am actually a calm and laid back driver.

He proceeded to tell me that a man fell out of the window (there are only 3 stories and a basement in my building) and that there were ambulances. I didn't hear any sort of that nonesense going on and either that person attempted suicide or he was 'pushed' out because this building has no balconies. He clearly was trying to guilt trip me and make me feel bad but doing that kind of psychological abuse doesn't usually work on me.

If there an ambulance blocking the driveway, I probably would have not honked because ambulances usually don't have this power mentality that I find cops tend to have and usually they are busy working and not taking the easy way like these cops were doing as they clearly could have been parked on the street. Their job did not require that they block this driveway.

I will complain to the police department about the arrogance of this cop because his partner yelled at me as well for honking. Talk about childish! Afraid of a civilian honking their horn? (personally I think cops like this are weak on the inside and only gravitate towards jobs like this so they automatically get this feeling of power and authority... people with real power are humble and do not feel the need to act tough to intimidate people, which I find many cops try to do)

I came back to my apartment after an hour and a half and these lazy jerks were still blocking the driveway. Clearly there was no need for them to be doing so, so it just proves that they were being lazy asses in the first place and they were just giving me attitude because I called them out on their laziness.

Where's the Work?

Greetings all,

I am still looking for a job and managed to have an interview last week. I don't know if I got the job so I am still looking. Where is the work? My Employment Insurance is running out in 2 weeks and I am getting desperate for work!

I hope something comes up soon as I may have to temp until I find a permanent job.

Yes I am in Love with Stewart Griffin

Greetings and Salutations,

I do not have cable and so I don't get to watch The Family Guy too often. I will usually check out an episode on my friend's tv when visiting (no I do go visit my friend because I like her not just to watch her tv).

But let me confess that there is something about Stewart that just makes me want to have his baby. Something about him just turns me on.

I found out that his character is gay, but that doesn't stop the love that I feel for him. He is the first gay person I actually desire romantically. You know how there are chicks out there who are just so darn drawn to gay men. I was never like that.

But now I am.

I think what makes me want him is his desire for World Domination. That is something I desire as well. Me and Stewie think alike and maybe that is why I love him and desire him so.

I know if Stewart and I were to hook up, it would be wrong because he is under age and that would be criminal. The fact that he is animated... well I think we could work around that.

But I would wait for Stewart. Mind you, I'd have something on the side and when he becomes a full adult, I would try to persuade him. I don't know if I'd be successful but I'd at least give it a whirl!

I just want to hold you and love you Stewart. Make love to you and tell you all my secret fears and my desires for World Denomination. And then we can eat ice cream with sprinkles - together.


Wouldn't we make a good couple?

Does Everything Happen for a Reason?

Greetings all,

I have always thought this expression was total bullshit and I still do. For some reason I cannot accept it. Things do happen but sometimes it is just random. I may have experienced a few serendipitous moments in my life but when things don't work out, I don't feel the need to constantly just say, everything happens for a reason.

Why do people always need to find some catchy expression to make sense of what goes on in their life? I mean, I guess for most people, it is a form of delusion. For me, I think I am comfortable accepting things as they are and instead of falsely comforting myself with trite expressions like 'everything happens for a reason', I just think 'whatever' or 'c'est la vie'.

What annoys me too is it gives people the license to just stay passive. I understand in life that we can't always press upon the universe for certain things when we want them - maybe they will occur at another time - but I also believe in being persistent and there is a fine line between being persistent and forcing things.

Sometimes I think people just say that as a way of giving up. Sometimes I find it justified but most of the times I don't.

For example, I had an appointment with someone and I had to cancel it due to a snowstorm. Does it make sense to say that this happened for a reason? It just happened and it was probably best for me to not venture out into the snow unless I had to. It just happened and common sense would dictate not to do anything that was potentially risky (i.e. driving during a snow storm for a non essential task). Why attribute meaning to a meaningless event? Who knows, maybe I missed out on something profound but no one will ever know.

* * *
I keep a blog because I like to express myself through writing. I am actually a little disappointed to learn that someone was reading my blog, not to hear my opinion and to read about what is going on in my life, but was only interested in satisfying their insecurity and was 'spying' on me, so to speak.

All I can say is that this person had a professional relationship to me and crossed the line and thus showed their own unprofessionalism.

If you run a business, then there may be people out there who do not appreciate or respect your services/work and that is their right. It is rather unprofessional to stalk them online and try to convince them otherwise that their business is sound and gets positive reviews.

I have blog patrol for a reason!

Life in the Big City

Greetings all,

Well I have been here in Toronto for just over a month and I think I am settling in well. I am looking for work still and hopefully something will come up soon.

I will be taking a workshop on doing a one person show so maybe that is a possible route for me to go. I just have so many comedy ideas and am trying new stuff that I am not sure which direction to go. It's just so hard being a comic genius!

I have managed to get over my fear of riding the TTC streetcar. For some reason I just was scared to get on it but one day I got over it and took it down to the Eaton Center so that I can indulge myself in Pretzel Maker goodness!

I managed to take my parents to the CN Tower on Monday as my dad has never been there and he has lived in this country for 42 years!

I haven't done too much sight seeing yet and I have 4 months to do touristy type activities. I have to be in a certain mood to do tourist stuff and frankly I am not there yet. There are some museums and other things I would like to see during the summer.

I haven't gone clubbing yet although I think I have been to a dance club here once a while ago.

I still think Barcelona is my favourite Big City. I have been to Vancouver, Toronto, Chicago, Paris, London and Barcelona but I think I liked the vibe of Barcelona the best.

Getting Old

Greetings all,

Being 30 thus far has not been good. I have been going through a lot of inner emotional transformation and frankly I would like for it to just hurry it up! I had a karmic astrology reading done over a month ago and I learned about certain planets in my chart that are in retrograde, which means those are things I have to relearn or redo. So I happen to be retrograde in Saturn, which is the planet of lessons or also known as Father Time or the Lord of Karma (although from an anthroposophical perspective, the new Lord of Karma is Christ).

I am not too much into astrology but I met this woman and she studied and learned about astrology from a karmic point of view and I liked that since I do believe in karma. I also am still going through the Saturn Return, which basically means my Saturn is back to where it started (my Saturn sign is Virgo) and it's going to be there until October.

Here is some info about the Saturn Return (since I am too lazy to explain it) that I copied as an explanation:

"The Saturn Return is a wake-up call, and this is why so many fear it's sobering realities. If you've spent your twenties in a fog, coasting on your youthful charm, it becomes obvious that your foundation is too flimsy for the long haul. When you're young, there seems infinite time to decide what you want to be "when you grow up." Well, Father Time swoops down as you're nearing 30 to say, you're all grown up now, pick a path."

Continuing on:
"The Saturn return brings with it the pressure of time, and often the first awareness of your own mortality. You take stock of what it would take to achieve those big dreams, and often a sense of dread at ever getting there. But happily, it's a time when things like disciplne, focus and clear-sight come in to give you a kind of pragmatic hope. You'll figure out what's still possible, and make the changes necessary to get on track.

It's a crossroads period, when life-altering decisions are made."

And finally:
"The Saturn return often creates a crisis that puts you face-to-face with your fears. And many of these have deep roots in your psyche, but they're also about living up to societal expectations. Saturn causes a mini earthquake to the foundations, and this enables you to shake off what's not really You."

I think I have been going through this and I think I am making progress, although my life is not as together as I would like it to be but I think at least I am on the right path and have made some fairly decent decisions but also made some stupid costly mistakes.

My life feels like a mess. I guess the concept of mess is all relative.

I do feel deep down that I do have to get this life right. This life is my chance for redemption and if I can at least make my goals a reality and gain the spiritual and material wealth that I desire, then I will feel better about whatever royal fuck ups I have done in this life or past lives.

I don't believe in making oneself feel bad about the past. The whole point is to learn, move on and never do it again.

Since I practice mantra, there happens to be mantras that can be used to help alleviate any potential negative planetary alignments. Although I was not really into this idea, I can believe that it is possible. We're all in the same planetary system, why wouldn't planets have some sort of spiritual/energetic effect on us?

I've worked with a Saturn mantra a couple of years ago because I heard about the Saturn Return concept. I thought that I probably didn't need to work on that since I give it a chance but I read that you can chant it each time it changes signs, which is every 2.5 years. I figure since it is retrograde in my chart, then I probably should take this mantra more seriously because I would like to learn the lessons I have set up for myself in this lifetime.

While I have tried to live my life honestly, there are parts of me that have kept me from being my real and authentic self and I have been working on shedding and letting go of that which no longer serves me but it can be too much at times.

* * *
I know I am getting old because I now start to get tired around 9-10 pm whereas before I could stay out later and not yawn.

* * *
I know I am getting old because I now feel like I can no longer engage in random sex (although never really was like that). But now I am insisting on having feelings for the person. It makes me worry that if I do end up getting married, we possibly may get divorced in my 40s (either due to me becoming bored, or my mate not growing or my mate or myself undergoing some weird midlife crisis thing) and then I'll end up being some middle aged sex crazed woman who ends up becoming a cougar.

I haven't sowed too many oats but I think I've sowed enough but you know sometimes you underestimate yourself.

My one fear is to be that person that gets married and in their 40s has some crisis or their partner has a crisis and they end up divorced. I am hoping that I'm not too naive in wanting to actually be with someone until 'death do we part'.

Independence Day

Greetings all,

Today I was talking to my mother. I usually call my parents a few times a week or my mother will phone me. I moved out of my parents back in August 2007 but today I think was the day my mother officially realized something profound, that many empty nesters eventually come to realize.

I was telling her what I was up to and then she said to me that I don't need her anymore. She has come to realize that I am independent and that I can take care of myself.

I think this is a good sign because now we can consciously have an adult relationship with each other, not based on me needing her but as adults.

I told her (I am a bit twisted) that she now should end her life because she has nothing going for her. Plus it will entitle me to some inheritance money and I sure could use some money.

Today shall henceforth be known as Independence Day as it marks the day my mother has acknowledged that I am Independent and no longer need my parents.

Fuck Men!

Greetings and Salutations,

Alright, let's get real. The title of this blog is basically pointing out my frustration with men so this is not going to be a pretty post. Basically I have ranted a bit about relationships but this will involve more ranting and the frequent use of the word Fuck and Fucking.

I went out to a meetup group last night for single ladies. Of course, what usually ends up happening is at some point we have a conversation about men and dating. Some bitterness is expressed and a general feeling of not understanding men occurs.

I've read some relationship books and so I feel I have some knowledge about men. Plus I have socialized with men and have men friends. I think I have some understanding that men are basically alot more simpler then women.

I'm just angry because men are fucking stupid sometimes. Sure we are told women are the emotional ones but really the reality is men are fucking stupid when it comes to emotions and it takes a real men to get this concept of emotional intelligence.

Men run away from a good woman out of fear and then come back after months. Does that make sense? Maybe in a man's world but not for a woman.

I'm angry because being a woman is probably a million times harder then being a man. We have to worry about looking attractive. We have to have babies within a certain time frame and we hear our biological clocks ticking. Men don't fucking have that feeling at all and it creates a real drive within a woman. Men can make babies when they are in their 70s for fuck sakes! Men don't have periods. Men can fucking leave a baby behind and not have the responsibility of raising it (although some women have abandoned their children but percentage wise, it's usually the men in the majority and the women a minority)

Men, here is an important message in case you haven't figured it out:
You have it fucking easy. Grow up already!

I saw there was a meetup group for men to understand women. I messaged the organizer because I think that's a good step for men. How many fucking women make the effort to get to understand men? Plenty, let me say. I wonder why many men actually make the effort to understand women (as people not just as something to sexually take advantage of)?

To me, men just all seem to be busy focusing on work, playing their stupid video games or racing or watching/playing sports to actually take the time to assess women. It really makes me wonder if they actually think about the people that they care about because on the surface it just doesn't really look it since men always seemed more preoccupied with THINGS rather then their interactions with PEOPLE, unless of course it involves the use of a technological gadget like texting on a Blackberry.

Basically men are just boys.

Anyways, I have read and heard about men complaining about how easy it is to be a woman but really it isn't for reasons I have discussed. That is just basically men being childish. Women haven't even been recognized as humans in many countries until the late 1800s or early 1900s. Women still aren't even recognized as humans in many countries and cultures. Men have always been recognized as humans. You've always run the show and caused a lot of trouble resulting in murders, destruction and violence. Some of you have evolved enough to realize that that is wrong.

I try to see things from the male perspective and so I can understand a bit from how they see things. But I basically think men have to put more effort into relationships and understanding women. It's just not about bringing home the bacon anymore since women now can do that and can take care of themselves financially.

But relationships are two way streets. Women can't be expected to do all the work and to learn about men. Men it's time you stepped up to the plate.

And have the fucking balls to admit when you are wrong about something or are not being honest with a woman about your fears. It's childish!

* * *
I understand that as a woman, I have my own biases towards relationships and may have difficulty taking a broader perspective simply because I am on Team Estrogen. I understand that on some level most men and women want the same thing, which is basically love, a supporting partner and sex. Come on you'd be lying if you didn't want to admit you want sex as well!

* * *
I am also tired of the single life and many people probably think it's great to be single. People think I have so much freedom. It's not great because I think for most people it's a basic human desire and need to want a companion and it is very frustrating to be looking and not finding someone who 'fits'. Then all them fucking idiots who are happy in relationships throw out stupid cliches to make you feel better like "you're better off being alone" or "you'll find someone when you stop looking"

FUCK OFF!
Those statements are all total bullshit! A good man isn't just going to come to my apartment.
"Hey I'm Jack, are you Paula, cause I got this message that you were my soulmate and I was also given your address, how convenient and kind of the universe!"

That never FUCKING happens!

It's a lot of work to go out and date people and to search for someone and it's annoying because there are some people who find someone who is right for them so much sooner and it's just doesn't seem fair to me.
It's like always being passed over for a promotion. You know you've got the goods and the skills and you just don't understand why you are not advancing.

Being single is painful, whether people want to admit it.
I am for the most part secure in who I am and have a certain level of self love and respect for myself but you can feel this pain when you are at parties and you are surrounded by couples.

But I feel the pain the most when I go to bed at night and fall asleep in my bed with no one next to me. There is an obvious lack that I feel that many couples take for granted.

Couples take what they have for granted and then trivialize the whole Single experience for us with their trite expressions. Maybe you think you are showing sympathy but you are really showing insensitivity.

This world basically boils down to the Haves and Have Nots.

You couples are in the Haves category whereas the Singles are in the Have Nots. People who have money and good jobs are in the Haves category whereas those who are poor are in the Have Nots. People with great health are in the Haves category. The sick and infirm are in the Have Nots. Doesn't it make more sense to appreciate what you have if you are in the Haves category and to stop patronizing those in the Have Nots category?

Stop complaining about your mates because there is obviously something that drew you to them in the first place. Don't talk about how hard it is to have someone. It's harder to NOT have someone. If you don't like your mate, leave!

Stop having your fucking affairs. Can't you just appreciate what you have instead of going after other single people. Leave the singles for the singles. Don't take more of what you already have. It's selfish.

* * *
I think this is what it boils down to.

We humans are by nature social creatures. Here this topic of singleness gets trivialized because no one really wants to admit that Men need Women and Women need Men. And not need in the sense that they make us happy because that's not true at all. We are all individuals and thus are responsibility for our individual happiness but part of happiness includes having co-operative relationships with people, such as friends or colleagues or a mate.

Purpose vs Lawfulness

Greetings all,

I watched a few weeks ago a movie staring Wayne Dyer entitled "Ambition to Meaning (Finding your Life's Purpose)". I thought it was an interesting movie but Dyer has made one of the many common errors that Rudolf Steiner talks about in Chapter 11 of Philosophy of Freedom. Since I was just completing that chapter for my online You Tube project, I had that concept on my mind. This chapter is about Purpose and in Steiner's day (which it still seems to be alive and well now) people believed that things had a purpose. Like animals served a purpose or things were created for a purpose. Steiner's argument was that Purpose could only be applied to the field of human action. So if I decide to go to school, that is my purpose. Whatever one has for an intention, they create purpose through their actions.

Dyer makes the huge error when in the movie he states that an acorn has a purpose. In Chapter 11, Steiner refers to that as Lawfulness. So what people typically assign as Purpose, in reality it is Lawfulness. The chapter is super short and so I recommend reading it because that is really the whole point in that chapter.

Dyer creates this whole world view based on this idea. Although I like some of what I saw in the movie, I am a firm believer in forming clear and precise concepts and here he uses the word Purpose incorrectly. It is in fact Lawfulness.

The world is not necessarily purposeful. What we perceive in the world is Lawfulness. That things have a certain order and structure and laws. That is not Purpose and much like what Steiner said, Purpose is only applicable to human action.

Steiner also talked about how the scientists in those days felt we had to understand the Purpose of nature and of the things within the world to truly know it but we do not.

Today I came across a podcast that basically used this false concept of Purpose. It can be found at: https://www.sciam.com/podcast/episode.cfm?id=why-people-believe-what-they-do-09-04-10&sc=WR_20090415&posted=1

I listened to half of it and the purpose of these experiments was to understand people's thought processes. The psychologist really did not make sense because she said at one point they conducted experiments where they asked people questions like "Why does it rain?" or "Why do owls have big eyes" to see how they answer it. One of her statements was owls have big eyes to see better, etc but I was quickly reminded of how Steiner talked about how scientists (this bitch was no high quality scientist BTW... what I call an intellectual poser!) would confuse Purpose with Lawfulness.

The first problem with this woman's argument was why even ask people these questions? There really is no answer and it forces people to make up some stupid answer when we all know the real answer is "I don't know" because no one really knows and it really is IRRELEVANT in our search for knowledge. Does it matter why an owl's eye is large? Just study it for god's sake. Why does it rain? It just does, does knowing why it rains help me with understanding the process, Fuck no! Do you think these people will honestly answer that? No they will BS their way because no one likes to be perceived as STUPID. Ms. Lombrozo, you of all people should know that.

Secondly, as a scientist, you do not study the WHY but the HOW, the process. You just study and observe and create experiments. Whether an owl has big eyes and if it helps them to see better is irrelevant of a connection. There are plenty of species out there with small eyes and great vision. Again, no co-relation but because the 'scientist' is insistent that things have a purpose, they make these false leaps in knowledge.

I believe this woman's argument is based on the faulty use of the idea of Purpose and thus is forming poor scientific data and conclusions.

Again this woman's field is psychology which is concerned with the WHY of human behaviour and she has falsely carried that over into the field of science. Science, however, does not care about the Why. It just studies things as they are. It doesn't need to know the purpose of things. The question why is really only used to help understand a process better but sometimes asking the question why just gets in the way and leads to nowhere, especially when trying to figure out the purpose of things that we ourselves did not create.

The whole reason she is confusing Purpose with Lawfulness is because her field is psychology and not science, and psychology deals with human action and it is considered okay to apply Purpose to many things as long as it pertains to human action.

I just have been noticing lately thanks to working on my Steiner project, how people are creating these false world views based on this simple confusion between Purpose and Lawfulness.

Who said a man who lived from 1867-1925 was still irrelevant??!!