Greetings,
I've been involved with improv at school and have started to develop a crush on someone in the group. I've been crushing on him since November I think. I think he likes me too but I can't really tell. We did an improv warm up where we free associate with words and when I do improv, I am in improv mode. I am not in flirty mode and when I was in the circle to get words to associate, he gave me the word "cute" and I said "me". I didn't think much of it at the time but when I got home, I thought maybe he was flirting with me and I completely missed it. We did a show maybe a week or two prior to that and during warm ups, I felt like maybe he had a thing for me. I never really paid much attention to him but ever since that day where he threw out the word "cute", I started to develop a crush on him.
I'm not really flirty either at improv either and we don't have much time to talk to each other. I was planning to go out for my birthday recently to do a live escape game since it's free if it's your birthday. I invited him on Saturday and he didn't get back to me until the Tuesday, the day of my birthday. He said he couldn't make it and seemed apologetic as I messaged him on Facebook. I figure if he was interested, he would have said yes. Or if he was interested in going out with me but couldn't make it, would have suggested to go out another time.
So I'm kinda not sure about what to do. I've read some online dating advice and basically says you shouldn't obsess about whether or not a guy likes you. You should just assume he wants you and just be confident and be your normal, fun stuff.
I'm not sure if he's interested. He's a bit younger than me but I'm open to dating someone and to see where it goes. He seems like he's sweet and it would be nice to get to know him better. I'm not really flirty at improv and I don't even know how I could be because I get so focused on improv and I also tend to be more reserved in group situations.
A part of me thinks he's not interested because if he was, wouldn't he have asked me out for coffee or something by now?
Anyways, we'll see how it goes but I don't have much patience when it comes to these sorta things. If he wants me, he should just ask me out. That's the man's job!
I know with my last boyfriend, I had flirt with him a lot before he finally decided to ask me out. I just don't feel I have the same patience but also it's harder to flirt at improv and I don't want to be so obvious about it either.
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
Hair Experiment
Greetings all,
I recently read that you can use castor oil and peppermint oil on your scalp to improv your hair growth and to thicken it. I've had the problem of thinning hair for the past few years but also a certain area where my bangs are, are thinning out so much that I'm starting to look bald!
My dad has pointed it out to me before but I didn't know what to do so I would just live with it.
Now I researched that you can use castor oil and peppermint oil on your scalp so I started to do that. I've only applied it once and haven't noticed anything.
What I did notice that my hair doesn't feel oily. I wash my hair every 2nd day and last night I just took my shower and rinsed my hair with water because I felt like it wasn't oily and needing to be washed and it actually feels okay today. I tried before the No Poo method where you don't wash your hair and only use baking soda and apple cider vinegar on your hair to remove the oil. I didn't like that method and stopped doing it. So maybe giving your scalp regular oil treatments actually helps with reducing its oil production.
My hair is pretty oil actually and by day 2 looks oily so surprised by the lack of usual oiliness. Anyways, my goal with this oil and peppermint treatment is to thicken my hair and improv growth so it will take some time before I notice anything
I recently read that you can use castor oil and peppermint oil on your scalp to improv your hair growth and to thicken it. I've had the problem of thinning hair for the past few years but also a certain area where my bangs are, are thinning out so much that I'm starting to look bald!
My dad has pointed it out to me before but I didn't know what to do so I would just live with it.
Now I researched that you can use castor oil and peppermint oil on your scalp so I started to do that. I've only applied it once and haven't noticed anything.
What I did notice that my hair doesn't feel oily. I wash my hair every 2nd day and last night I just took my shower and rinsed my hair with water because I felt like it wasn't oily and needing to be washed and it actually feels okay today. I tried before the No Poo method where you don't wash your hair and only use baking soda and apple cider vinegar on your hair to remove the oil. I didn't like that method and stopped doing it. So maybe giving your scalp regular oil treatments actually helps with reducing its oil production.
My hair is pretty oil actually and by day 2 looks oily so surprised by the lack of usual oiliness. Anyways, my goal with this oil and peppermint treatment is to thicken my hair and improv growth so it will take some time before I notice anything
Saturday, December 20, 2014
Working with Sopurkh Again
Greetings all,
I wrote a while ago that I was working with the mantra Sopurkh. I did write how I had some dreams but I didn't feel it was working. I decided to work with it again, although I can't remember when I stopped chanting it.As I previously wrote, I was hoping it would help my brother and my dad and also help me be in a meaningful relationship.
When I stopped, I didn't have these things manifested, although as I mentioned in that post, I did have some healing dreams about my ex. I actually think the shabad did work, although it didn't work right away. As mentioned, I wanted my dad to be more healthier, exercise and quit smoking. He started having issues with his one leg as he would have difficulty walking for more than 5 minutes at a time. It took a while to figure out what was wrong with him but eventually the doctor said it was because he smoked as it was restricting the blood flow in his leg. He was advised to quit smoking. This was back in November and my dad stopped smoking. It's been about 6 weeks.
I think when I was reflecting on this, this week, I realized maybe my chanting did have an effect, although a delayed effect. Lots of the women who chanted this would notice immediate changes so that's also why I was skeptical about the value of this. Maybe it's because the men in my family are very stubborn. I've been telling my dad to stop smoking ever since I was a child because he was a smoker since he was like 14. I was always worried that he would get cancer and die from it and my mother found a note I typed on a typewriter as a child, advising him to stop smoking so that he wouldn't die.
The other person I was chanting for was my brother. He seems to be getting worse and is even more nervous. He was diagnosed with ADHD but I'm not sure I believe in that. He was on different medication a few months ago but it just made him worse. He's still living with my parents and is still jobless for 3 years. He's a constant pain in the ass when I visit my family and is constantly verbally abusing me. My father and him don't get along and I hope the chanting helps my brother out because he's so messed up and really needs to grow up and get his life together.
I still am chanting for myself because I want to be with my soulmate, the man whom I can spend my life with, have a family and grow old with.
I had 3 objectives and 1 of them has been achieved. Maybe if I continue with it some more, I can attain my other objectives. I guess it may not manifest right away but I do hope things get better
I wrote a while ago that I was working with the mantra Sopurkh. I did write how I had some dreams but I didn't feel it was working. I decided to work with it again, although I can't remember when I stopped chanting it.As I previously wrote, I was hoping it would help my brother and my dad and also help me be in a meaningful relationship.
When I stopped, I didn't have these things manifested, although as I mentioned in that post, I did have some healing dreams about my ex. I actually think the shabad did work, although it didn't work right away. As mentioned, I wanted my dad to be more healthier, exercise and quit smoking. He started having issues with his one leg as he would have difficulty walking for more than 5 minutes at a time. It took a while to figure out what was wrong with him but eventually the doctor said it was because he smoked as it was restricting the blood flow in his leg. He was advised to quit smoking. This was back in November and my dad stopped smoking. It's been about 6 weeks.
I think when I was reflecting on this, this week, I realized maybe my chanting did have an effect, although a delayed effect. Lots of the women who chanted this would notice immediate changes so that's also why I was skeptical about the value of this. Maybe it's because the men in my family are very stubborn. I've been telling my dad to stop smoking ever since I was a child because he was a smoker since he was like 14. I was always worried that he would get cancer and die from it and my mother found a note I typed on a typewriter as a child, advising him to stop smoking so that he wouldn't die.
The other person I was chanting for was my brother. He seems to be getting worse and is even more nervous. He was diagnosed with ADHD but I'm not sure I believe in that. He was on different medication a few months ago but it just made him worse. He's still living with my parents and is still jobless for 3 years. He's a constant pain in the ass when I visit my family and is constantly verbally abusing me. My father and him don't get along and I hope the chanting helps my brother out because he's so messed up and really needs to grow up and get his life together.
I still am chanting for myself because I want to be with my soulmate, the man whom I can spend my life with, have a family and grow old with.
I had 3 objectives and 1 of them has been achieved. Maybe if I continue with it some more, I can attain my other objectives. I guess it may not manifest right away but I do hope things get better
Thursday, November 06, 2014
SAD is in full effect
Greetings all,
My Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) has kicked in big time this week. It seems like the changing the clocks back an hour makes me feel ever worse and I don't remember if I ever get better the rest of the season. I started feeling sleepy and tired about 3 weeks ago but now I feel massively depressed. I can barely smile and have very little motivation to do anything. I think I stayed home all day Tuesday!
I might just go on anti depressants this year. I've been suffering for almost 10 years and have tried all types of supplements to see if I get a mood boost but to no luck. I've tried the fish oil and the St John Worts and many other supplements. I am going to try one more because I came across an article that said they tried this product called Progressive Labs Pineal Concentrate and that helped with their SAD. I couldn't find any other positive review about this product but I'm desperate so I'll try one more thing.
I felt really bad on Tuesday. I felt like all of my flaws were heightened and I felt like I was just a really bad person and a monster. I know it's not true but when your flaws get magnified and you are feeling very vulnerable, it is tough to deal with this. Depression is not fun.
I don't have much motivation to exercise and my body aches. My ex boyfriend would make it seem like this was something I could just easily treat with exercise but even when I did exercise, I felt like it had no effect on my system and I felt maybe good for a few minutes and not long term.
I hate this time of year, I really do. I will move south if I can't manage this disorder and live a normal life.
My Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) has kicked in big time this week. It seems like the changing the clocks back an hour makes me feel ever worse and I don't remember if I ever get better the rest of the season. I started feeling sleepy and tired about 3 weeks ago but now I feel massively depressed. I can barely smile and have very little motivation to do anything. I think I stayed home all day Tuesday!
I might just go on anti depressants this year. I've been suffering for almost 10 years and have tried all types of supplements to see if I get a mood boost but to no luck. I've tried the fish oil and the St John Worts and many other supplements. I am going to try one more because I came across an article that said they tried this product called Progressive Labs Pineal Concentrate and that helped with their SAD. I couldn't find any other positive review about this product but I'm desperate so I'll try one more thing.
I felt really bad on Tuesday. I felt like all of my flaws were heightened and I felt like I was just a really bad person and a monster. I know it's not true but when your flaws get magnified and you are feeling very vulnerable, it is tough to deal with this. Depression is not fun.
I don't have much motivation to exercise and my body aches. My ex boyfriend would make it seem like this was something I could just easily treat with exercise but even when I did exercise, I felt like it had no effect on my system and I felt maybe good for a few minutes and not long term.
I hate this time of year, I really do. I will move south if I can't manage this disorder and live a normal life.
Thursday, October 30, 2014
My Opinion on this Whole Jian Ghomeshi News
Greetings all,
Today is my day off so I spent it by indulging in online news and the main news story seems to be the Ghomeshi sex/violence story. I heard about this on Facebook on Sunday (I think) when he first posted his Facebook status saying how some 'jilted ex' is ruining his career. When I first read it, I knew it was BS because I've seen that type of behaviour from abusers. They take no responsibility for what goes on in their life and then blame someone else for the bad that occurs. A lot of people were hating this woman who stepped up and basically it was all about blaming the woman.
I never followed his radio show but when I first saw him, I thought he was gay and good looking so I'm surprised to learn that he would go after women. He seems likeable too and because he was good looking, I think people probably had a hard time grasping he could be like that but I know that you can never trust someone until you know them personally for several years because different scenarios reveal different sides of a person. It is sad when you see someone who seems like a good person and then learn of this evil. His behaviour is definitely evil. A flawed human we all can love and accept but this is just evil and wrong.
Now we are hearing more stories of women coming out, 8 to date and now everyone who was hating on this woman is now hating on Ghomeshi. I checked out his facebook profile and lots of people were spewing hate, calling him a monster, etc.
I think he's guilty but I don't think it's right to call him a monster and to basically lash out at him. Is it going to make him change? I doubt it. There's obviously something wrong with him but is it something he can change with psychotherapy or is he just like a sociopath who basically does not have the capacity to change?
The other thing that bothers me is how people think these women are lying because they didn't report it right away. I haven't experienced sexual abuse and there was a couple of incidences of weird/scary sexual behaviour I've experienced but I wouldn't think to report it because it would be a waste of time. I read too that false accusations only occur 2% of the time and the vast majority of sexual abuse goes unreported.
I think it's sad that we as a culture and on a global scale, have this negative belief on sexual abuse and blame the victim. Why is it with other crimes, we don't treat them the same way? Is it because the crime is sexual and sex is something where the lines can be easily blurred? I had a woman attempt to steal my purse and I was shaken badly. I called the cops but nothing was done anyways. I wasn't made to feel like a criminal and had a witness. But on some level, even I too felt like I hope they don't think I'm making this up.
And people like Ghomeshi know full well they have power and they abuse it and can get away with it. If I were a victim, I probably would just avoid him and move on with my life. People just assume you want a piece of them, when really all you want is justice.
All this sexual abuse that I read about, not just Ghomeshi but like one woman somewhere in the Middle East was recently hung because she killed or attack a man that raped her, just really makes me realize how scary and hard it is to be a woman.
I think for me, I just grew up accepting that you have to be tough but because society is so cruel to women in so many ways, it makes it difficult to want to vulnerable. I feel deep down I am very gentle and vulnerable, like most people and yet society forces you to be tough and to protect yourself. There really is not much you can do other than be mistrustful of people and cut out all the rotten apples out of your life.
Society has a lot of negative programming to fix, particular when it comes to the rape culture and the hate there is about women.
Today is my day off so I spent it by indulging in online news and the main news story seems to be the Ghomeshi sex/violence story. I heard about this on Facebook on Sunday (I think) when he first posted his Facebook status saying how some 'jilted ex' is ruining his career. When I first read it, I knew it was BS because I've seen that type of behaviour from abusers. They take no responsibility for what goes on in their life and then blame someone else for the bad that occurs. A lot of people were hating this woman who stepped up and basically it was all about blaming the woman.
I never followed his radio show but when I first saw him, I thought he was gay and good looking so I'm surprised to learn that he would go after women. He seems likeable too and because he was good looking, I think people probably had a hard time grasping he could be like that but I know that you can never trust someone until you know them personally for several years because different scenarios reveal different sides of a person. It is sad when you see someone who seems like a good person and then learn of this evil. His behaviour is definitely evil. A flawed human we all can love and accept but this is just evil and wrong.
Now we are hearing more stories of women coming out, 8 to date and now everyone who was hating on this woman is now hating on Ghomeshi. I checked out his facebook profile and lots of people were spewing hate, calling him a monster, etc.
I think he's guilty but I don't think it's right to call him a monster and to basically lash out at him. Is it going to make him change? I doubt it. There's obviously something wrong with him but is it something he can change with psychotherapy or is he just like a sociopath who basically does not have the capacity to change?
The other thing that bothers me is how people think these women are lying because they didn't report it right away. I haven't experienced sexual abuse and there was a couple of incidences of weird/scary sexual behaviour I've experienced but I wouldn't think to report it because it would be a waste of time. I read too that false accusations only occur 2% of the time and the vast majority of sexual abuse goes unreported.
I think it's sad that we as a culture and on a global scale, have this negative belief on sexual abuse and blame the victim. Why is it with other crimes, we don't treat them the same way? Is it because the crime is sexual and sex is something where the lines can be easily blurred? I had a woman attempt to steal my purse and I was shaken badly. I called the cops but nothing was done anyways. I wasn't made to feel like a criminal and had a witness. But on some level, even I too felt like I hope they don't think I'm making this up.
And people like Ghomeshi know full well they have power and they abuse it and can get away with it. If I were a victim, I probably would just avoid him and move on with my life. People just assume you want a piece of them, when really all you want is justice.
All this sexual abuse that I read about, not just Ghomeshi but like one woman somewhere in the Middle East was recently hung because she killed or attack a man that raped her, just really makes me realize how scary and hard it is to be a woman.
I think for me, I just grew up accepting that you have to be tough but because society is so cruel to women in so many ways, it makes it difficult to want to vulnerable. I feel deep down I am very gentle and vulnerable, like most people and yet society forces you to be tough and to protect yourself. There really is not much you can do other than be mistrustful of people and cut out all the rotten apples out of your life.
Society has a lot of negative programming to fix, particular when it comes to the rape culture and the hate there is about women.
Thursday, October 23, 2014
Meditation Woes
Greetings all,
I only did ganapati kriya for a week so I didn't commit myself officially to doing a 40 day discipline. I had midterms this week and I find that with my being so busy with school. I don't have the discipline to do a 40 day discipline. I don't meditate daily. I do qigong pretty much on a daily basis and maybe in the span of 40 days, I miss a couple of days but I do have at least a consistent practice.
I think too, I get different things out of ganapati and Bound Lotus. I feel they are both complementary to each other but frankly I don't have the time to be dedicated to either of them in terms of a discipline. When I worked, it was easy to do 40 day or 120 day disciplines but because school is so demanding, I want to use that discipline energy towards school. I've only got so much discipline and it needs to be directed towards school!
I like the feeling of bowing and surrendering in Bound Lotus but sometimes I feel like nothing is happening. I like chanting and doing Ganapati and I feel chanting it has a healing and soothing energy to it. They are both quite different and I feel I would have to do both. When I do Bound Lotus, I feel like I am missing something and when I do Ganapati, I feel like I just need to surrender. I am sitting up and feel like I just want to rest my head. I wonder if I can combine the postures but usually doing that is not advised. Maybe I can bow and do Ganapati?
Ever since I started doing qigong this year, I was telling my kundalini yoga friend I feel it's harder to do disciplines because qigong is so meditative and yet because I've always done KY meditations, I feel odd not doing any but qigong makes me feel pretty good.
I only did ganapati kriya for a week so I didn't commit myself officially to doing a 40 day discipline. I had midterms this week and I find that with my being so busy with school. I don't have the discipline to do a 40 day discipline. I don't meditate daily. I do qigong pretty much on a daily basis and maybe in the span of 40 days, I miss a couple of days but I do have at least a consistent practice.
I think too, I get different things out of ganapati and Bound Lotus. I feel they are both complementary to each other but frankly I don't have the time to be dedicated to either of them in terms of a discipline. When I worked, it was easy to do 40 day or 120 day disciplines but because school is so demanding, I want to use that discipline energy towards school. I've only got so much discipline and it needs to be directed towards school!
I like the feeling of bowing and surrendering in Bound Lotus but sometimes I feel like nothing is happening. I like chanting and doing Ganapati and I feel chanting it has a healing and soothing energy to it. They are both quite different and I feel I would have to do both. When I do Bound Lotus, I feel like I am missing something and when I do Ganapati, I feel like I just need to surrender. I am sitting up and feel like I just want to rest my head. I wonder if I can combine the postures but usually doing that is not advised. Maybe I can bow and do Ganapati?
Ever since I started doing qigong this year, I was telling my kundalini yoga friend I feel it's harder to do disciplines because qigong is so meditative and yet because I've always done KY meditations, I feel odd not doing any but qigong makes me feel pretty good.
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
The Improv Clown
Greetings all,
I joined the improv team at school. Two groups had auditions and I joined this group last year and was surprised there were having auditions because they didn't last year. The other team was a long form and I guess I wasn't good enough for them. My 15 years of improv experience, just wasn't enough! I figured that group was more of a clique and they probably knew already who they wanted.
Anyways, I wasn't able to go to the short form group last year because they had their improv on Monday nights and that's when I would go the Math Aid centre. School takes precedence over improv. This year the Math Aid hours have changed and it is on Monday afternoon and the improv team meets on Thursdays so now I can be more involved with improv.
I went to improv 2 weeks ago and met one of the players. My first impression was that she looked like a clown. She had way too much eye make up on and her eyelashes looked like spider legs. She then had too much blush on and to top it off, had the fake tan look going on. I learned she was a math major. She looked vaguely familiar. When I got home, I realized she was in one of my math classes but sat on the other side of the lecture hall. I remember noticing from quite a distance she had too much make up on and I automatically classified her as a bimbo because she was the stereotypical skinny, tall blonde with too much make up.
I didn't get a chance to talk to her but she seemed like she was a nice girl and she didn't suck at improv. I just don't know if her friends have told her she has too much make up on, or maybe they are all like her and wear too much make up and think it's normal, or maybe they have told her and she doesn't care. I'm not going to say anything but if we were to become friends, I'd have to point it out. She probably would be better looking if she didn't have any make up on. That's what I find silly. She's not ugly and doesn't really need to look like a clown.
I joined the improv team at school. Two groups had auditions and I joined this group last year and was surprised there were having auditions because they didn't last year. The other team was a long form and I guess I wasn't good enough for them. My 15 years of improv experience, just wasn't enough! I figured that group was more of a clique and they probably knew already who they wanted.
Anyways, I wasn't able to go to the short form group last year because they had their improv on Monday nights and that's when I would go the Math Aid centre. School takes precedence over improv. This year the Math Aid hours have changed and it is on Monday afternoon and the improv team meets on Thursdays so now I can be more involved with improv.
I went to improv 2 weeks ago and met one of the players. My first impression was that she looked like a clown. She had way too much eye make up on and her eyelashes looked like spider legs. She then had too much blush on and to top it off, had the fake tan look going on. I learned she was a math major. She looked vaguely familiar. When I got home, I realized she was in one of my math classes but sat on the other side of the lecture hall. I remember noticing from quite a distance she had too much make up on and I automatically classified her as a bimbo because she was the stereotypical skinny, tall blonde with too much make up.
I didn't get a chance to talk to her but she seemed like she was a nice girl and she didn't suck at improv. I just don't know if her friends have told her she has too much make up on, or maybe they are all like her and wear too much make up and think it's normal, or maybe they have told her and she doesn't care. I'm not going to say anything but if we were to become friends, I'd have to point it out. She probably would be better looking if she didn't have any make up on. That's what I find silly. She's not ugly and doesn't really need to look like a clown.
Sunday, October 12, 2014
Back to Ganapati Kriya?
Greetings all,
I am going through some personal challenges again. I think part of it is because my Seasonal Affective Disorder is kicking in but also school related. I had a test in one of my courses this Friday and it brought up a tremendous amount of anxiety. The night before I was massively worried and I did briefly a meditation we regularly did in my Sat Nam Rasayan class and then I decided to just do a meditation I used to do regularly, Ganapati Kriya.
I cried a lot but I still felt lots of anxiety and stress. I had my test Friday morning and then felt massively bad about myself. Our instructor is new to teaching this particular course and he gave us a practice test. My friend said he said it was the hardest of the 3 he wrote but I think the actual test was harder! I also found out it was challenging for other students and a couple of people didn't finish the test on time. The test was 50 minutes and had 5 questions but they all had like 3 sub questions. I don't think he realized it was probably too long. Would have been better to make 3 questions with 3 sub questions.
I don't think he's a bad person but I feel he just isn't that effective as a teacher and probably has to work at it. My friend and I agree that the way he presents the material just doesn't have a focus. A lot of the time, I feel like "where you taking us?". I know with other professors, I feel they are more structured. He's semi structured. I've seen worse professors
Anyways, this bad experience from the test made me feel bad on Saturday as well. I felt like I should just quit university. Why am I studying math and stats? I also felt like if I were to quit, I wouldn't know what to do. I've tried comedy and that didn't work. I don't know what else to study in school that would help me get a good job. I felt stuck and trapped and GP is usually good for these types of feelings. I reread a journal entry from 2 years ago and was going through the same struggles in school. I felt like, am I making a mistake and wasting my time? I did Ganapati again and while I didn't cry on Friday, I cried alot last night. I got the message "Don't give up". I thought afterwards, in what sense? Don't give up on school? Don't give up on finding a loving relationship? Don't give up on both? Don't give up on Life? I've been longing for a relationship. I'm frustrated with my feeling of not feeling successful and feel like I'll never amount to anything in life.
I tried my best in preparing for this test and I felt like I'm not going to get a respectable grade and yet I need one in this course. I felt like all this work for nothing. It felt like a waste! I maybe had one moment where I thought, all that work at least may not have been enough to ace the test but it does help in terms of understanding the material.
The test may be graded on a curve and I hope so. We have a 2nd test in this course and he may make it easier. That happened in one of my courses. The prof made the first test so hard and bumped up the grades and then made the 2nd test easier. I just don't know what's wrong with these people! As a mature student too, I feel like I am making a sacrifice to be there and am paying what I think, good money to be there. These people should be bending over backwards to help us understand the material and learn but it seems like it's just a game and sometimes it doesn't seem like it's about learning.
Maybe I will go back to doing the Ganapati kriya. Since I mentioned that I feel qigong is meditative, I don't feel the need for meditating but maybe I need to go back to GP for a while and do a 40 day discipline. I guess I am feeling frustrated with my life and my life as a student. I've been dabbling in Bound Lotus but not sure about doing a discipline with it.
It's been a while since I've done GP, I think several months at least so maybe I can try it out again. It's always been good for me so I guess I can't go wrong.
I am going through some personal challenges again. I think part of it is because my Seasonal Affective Disorder is kicking in but also school related. I had a test in one of my courses this Friday and it brought up a tremendous amount of anxiety. The night before I was massively worried and I did briefly a meditation we regularly did in my Sat Nam Rasayan class and then I decided to just do a meditation I used to do regularly, Ganapati Kriya.
I cried a lot but I still felt lots of anxiety and stress. I had my test Friday morning and then felt massively bad about myself. Our instructor is new to teaching this particular course and he gave us a practice test. My friend said he said it was the hardest of the 3 he wrote but I think the actual test was harder! I also found out it was challenging for other students and a couple of people didn't finish the test on time. The test was 50 minutes and had 5 questions but they all had like 3 sub questions. I don't think he realized it was probably too long. Would have been better to make 3 questions with 3 sub questions.
I don't think he's a bad person but I feel he just isn't that effective as a teacher and probably has to work at it. My friend and I agree that the way he presents the material just doesn't have a focus. A lot of the time, I feel like "where you taking us?". I know with other professors, I feel they are more structured. He's semi structured. I've seen worse professors
Anyways, this bad experience from the test made me feel bad on Saturday as well. I felt like I should just quit university. Why am I studying math and stats? I also felt like if I were to quit, I wouldn't know what to do. I've tried comedy and that didn't work. I don't know what else to study in school that would help me get a good job. I felt stuck and trapped and GP is usually good for these types of feelings. I reread a journal entry from 2 years ago and was going through the same struggles in school. I felt like, am I making a mistake and wasting my time? I did Ganapati again and while I didn't cry on Friday, I cried alot last night. I got the message "Don't give up". I thought afterwards, in what sense? Don't give up on school? Don't give up on finding a loving relationship? Don't give up on both? Don't give up on Life? I've been longing for a relationship. I'm frustrated with my feeling of not feeling successful and feel like I'll never amount to anything in life.
I tried my best in preparing for this test and I felt like I'm not going to get a respectable grade and yet I need one in this course. I felt like all this work for nothing. It felt like a waste! I maybe had one moment where I thought, all that work at least may not have been enough to ace the test but it does help in terms of understanding the material.
The test may be graded on a curve and I hope so. We have a 2nd test in this course and he may make it easier. That happened in one of my courses. The prof made the first test so hard and bumped up the grades and then made the 2nd test easier. I just don't know what's wrong with these people! As a mature student too, I feel like I am making a sacrifice to be there and am paying what I think, good money to be there. These people should be bending over backwards to help us understand the material and learn but it seems like it's just a game and sometimes it doesn't seem like it's about learning.
Maybe I will go back to doing the Ganapati kriya. Since I mentioned that I feel qigong is meditative, I don't feel the need for meditating but maybe I need to go back to GP for a while and do a 40 day discipline. I guess I am feeling frustrated with my life and my life as a student. I've been dabbling in Bound Lotus but not sure about doing a discipline with it.
It's been a while since I've done GP, I think several months at least so maybe I can try it out again. It's always been good for me so I guess I can't go wrong.
Saturday, October 11, 2014
Warning: A Sorta Sexual Poem
Greetings all,
I was reading my drafts and this was a post that I guess I didn't publish it. I think because I thought it was a lame attempt to be sexual and maybe that's why I didn't publish it. Well I'll publish it anyways, even though I don't feel it's particularly sexual as a poem. I don't remember when I wrote this and don't remember who my crush was at the time but here's the original post:
I'm dedicating this poem for my current crush and to all the future crushes I will have.
You are so unsuspecting.
Thinking we're just friends.
You haven't got a clue.
Let me lead you into my thoughts.
Throw me down.
Tie me up.
Throw one into me.
And lick me all about.
I know what you are thinking.
So please just whisper it to me.
I know that you want me.
So please just let me hear it.
I know you've got some fantasies.
And I'll just play them out for you.
Don't think I will laugh at them.
I will treat them with the utmost care.
Aren't you glad it's over?
Aren't you glad I let you have your way with me?
Aren't you glad I want to do it again?
I was reading my drafts and this was a post that I guess I didn't publish it. I think because I thought it was a lame attempt to be sexual and maybe that's why I didn't publish it. Well I'll publish it anyways, even though I don't feel it's particularly sexual as a poem. I don't remember when I wrote this and don't remember who my crush was at the time but here's the original post:
I'm dedicating this poem for my current crush and to all the future crushes I will have.
You are so unsuspecting.
Thinking we're just friends.
You haven't got a clue.
Let me lead you into my thoughts.
Throw me down.
Tie me up.
Throw one into me.
And lick me all about.
I know what you are thinking.
So please just whisper it to me.
I know that you want me.
So please just let me hear it.
I know you've got some fantasies.
And I'll just play them out for you.
Don't think I will laugh at them.
I will treat them with the utmost care.
Aren't you glad it's over?
Aren't you glad I let you have your way with me?
Aren't you glad I want to do it again?
Sat Nam Fest
Greetings all,
I've been wanting to go since last year to the Sat Nam Fest which is run by Spirit Voyage. It's basically a 4 day festival where they have musicians from the Kundalini Yoga community and they play their music. Some of it is music they wrote but most of it are Kundalini chants. I have one musician who is a favourite, Gurunam Singh. I have a few of his individual songs which I downloaded but would eventually like to get a full album.
They usually have these festivals in October or February but these are bad times for me because I am in school and cannot skip out of town. Like it's this weekend and in Pennsylvania. I could go for 2 days maybe but it's too much effort to go to since it's in the US
I learned this year they are doing one at the end of December in Mexico. Last year I went away to the Dominican after Christmas since I have seasonal affective disorder and find it helps lift my spirits to be in a sunny environment. I also enjoyed spending New Year's Eve in another country and thought last year that should be my new tradition.
I've been to Mexico a few years ago and this festival is taking place near Mexico city, which I have not been. I'm someone who likes to visit new countries. I've just been to Cancun and Cozumel and not to this part of Mexico. If I can go scuba diving on the west coast of Mexico, I can make it worth my time. I was originally thinking of going away to Costa Rica after my first semester but I feel my heart would rather go and chant for 4 days and then I can spend time site seeing and swimming.
Sadly so far Gurunam isn't going to be a performer but I sent his web site an email encouraging him to attend since I don't have a chance to make the Sat Nam Fest this weekend. He's got a really deep, masculine voice and I like his vibe.
I've been wanting to go since last year to the Sat Nam Fest which is run by Spirit Voyage. It's basically a 4 day festival where they have musicians from the Kundalini Yoga community and they play their music. Some of it is music they wrote but most of it are Kundalini chants. I have one musician who is a favourite, Gurunam Singh. I have a few of his individual songs which I downloaded but would eventually like to get a full album.
They usually have these festivals in October or February but these are bad times for me because I am in school and cannot skip out of town. Like it's this weekend and in Pennsylvania. I could go for 2 days maybe but it's too much effort to go to since it's in the US
I learned this year they are doing one at the end of December in Mexico. Last year I went away to the Dominican after Christmas since I have seasonal affective disorder and find it helps lift my spirits to be in a sunny environment. I also enjoyed spending New Year's Eve in another country and thought last year that should be my new tradition.
I've been to Mexico a few years ago and this festival is taking place near Mexico city, which I have not been. I'm someone who likes to visit new countries. I've just been to Cancun and Cozumel and not to this part of Mexico. If I can go scuba diving on the west coast of Mexico, I can make it worth my time. I was originally thinking of going away to Costa Rica after my first semester but I feel my heart would rather go and chant for 4 days and then I can spend time site seeing and swimming.
Sadly so far Gurunam isn't going to be a performer but I sent his web site an email encouraging him to attend since I don't have a chance to make the Sat Nam Fest this weekend. He's got a really deep, masculine voice and I like his vibe.
Monday, October 06, 2014
Leadership Conference
Greetings all,
I had a conference at school on Friday on Leadership. They invited people earlier in the summer to give feedback on how to format the conference and I decided to attend it because they were offering treats and I am easily seduced by treats.
I made some suggestions on what I wanted to see at the conference and they actually did my suggestions so I was pleased about that. One suggestion was based on Susan Cain's book Quiet. I wanted them to discuss how Leaders can be introverted as our culture seems to only think a Leader is someone who is extroverted. I didn't go to this workshop but I heard people enjoyed it. I think it was something others needed to know about because our culture is biased towards people with quiet confidence.
I also made a suggestion on a workshop that utilizes some concepts from improv, like Yes and. That was what they called the workshop. Yes and is basically an exercise that underlies all of improv. It's the idea that you take what someone says and Yes and it. Improv is not about blocking. It's about accepting and I think to be a good leader, you need to learn how to accept things instead of blocking things. Like for example, in improv if the offer is someone says "Hey I like your hat", you can say "Yes and my hat makes me want to go to the movies", then the other person can say "Yes and going to movies makes me want to buy popcorn" and is followed by "Yes and popcorn reminds me of how much my mother loves me".
Obviously if we spent that seen arguing and blocking, it would go nowhere. "No don't like my hat..."
And that goes no where.
Same idea for leadership. People don't need to say no and can work with what's given them.
The workshops I did was on Resilience and Leadership is...The Leadership is... workshop was more about having smaller discussions with people on various social topics. It was interesting.
I liked the Resilience one more. It actually raised more questions for me like how do I know if I'm resilient? I don't think I'm resilient and I was told to try online quizzes. One of them said I was average and another above average. I don't really feel I am resilient. I feel I don't have much of a choice anyways. You have to move on in life. You still keep on living so why not just do what has to be done. I have been through a lot of financial difficulties but I don't feel that makes me resilient.
One trait of resilient people is that they have a social network. I feel for me, when I am stressed I don't look to others, I turn within and so I wasn't really sure if having a social network is what leads to resilience. I am an introvert and so as an introvert I seek validation and comfort internally and then I decide if I need external help, to seek it out.
I guess I don't classify myself as resilient and I'm not sure if I ever will be. I don't like dealing with difficult things and rather have a comfortable, easy life.
I had a conference at school on Friday on Leadership. They invited people earlier in the summer to give feedback on how to format the conference and I decided to attend it because they were offering treats and I am easily seduced by treats.
I made some suggestions on what I wanted to see at the conference and they actually did my suggestions so I was pleased about that. One suggestion was based on Susan Cain's book Quiet. I wanted them to discuss how Leaders can be introverted as our culture seems to only think a Leader is someone who is extroverted. I didn't go to this workshop but I heard people enjoyed it. I think it was something others needed to know about because our culture is biased towards people with quiet confidence.
I also made a suggestion on a workshop that utilizes some concepts from improv, like Yes and. That was what they called the workshop. Yes and is basically an exercise that underlies all of improv. It's the idea that you take what someone says and Yes and it. Improv is not about blocking. It's about accepting and I think to be a good leader, you need to learn how to accept things instead of blocking things. Like for example, in improv if the offer is someone says "Hey I like your hat", you can say "Yes and my hat makes me want to go to the movies", then the other person can say "Yes and going to movies makes me want to buy popcorn" and is followed by "Yes and popcorn reminds me of how much my mother loves me".
Obviously if we spent that seen arguing and blocking, it would go nowhere. "No don't like my hat..."
And that goes no where.
Same idea for leadership. People don't need to say no and can work with what's given them.
The workshops I did was on Resilience and Leadership is...The Leadership is... workshop was more about having smaller discussions with people on various social topics. It was interesting.
I liked the Resilience one more. It actually raised more questions for me like how do I know if I'm resilient? I don't think I'm resilient and I was told to try online quizzes. One of them said I was average and another above average. I don't really feel I am resilient. I feel I don't have much of a choice anyways. You have to move on in life. You still keep on living so why not just do what has to be done. I have been through a lot of financial difficulties but I don't feel that makes me resilient.
One trait of resilient people is that they have a social network. I feel for me, when I am stressed I don't look to others, I turn within and so I wasn't really sure if having a social network is what leads to resilience. I am an introvert and so as an introvert I seek validation and comfort internally and then I decide if I need external help, to seek it out.
I guess I don't classify myself as resilient and I'm not sure if I ever will be. I don't like dealing with difficult things and rather have a comfortable, easy life.
Sunday, September 21, 2014
Foodies Make No Sense to Me!
Greetings,
There are several meetup groups out there that are just on food and going out for dinner. I think I joined one once and never went to it. All they did was regular coffee and brunches but they were on Sundays and usually I had other things to do.
One woman has a group going that aims to be budget conscious, under $20 for the meal but I find several of the meetups are well over this range.
I never really understood the popularity of these groups. I can understand going out for dinner once a month but that's all these people do and that would be super boring for me. There's so much to do in Toronto but why just eat all the time?
This one woman has a blog on food and its super boring. This person is like obsessed with eating and I think it's rather unhealthy. Someone was telling me people can be like that if they are obsessed about being thin. This woman is rather thin but I think she needs a hobby besides food.
I myself have several hobbies like qigong, meditation, yoga, walking, improv and live music. I have more interests and I would rather spend my money on fun things that involve exploring the city instead of just eating. That would be super boring for me.
I was told the appeal for dinner meetups is that it gives people the chance to socialize and eat, which is a common activity. I find sitting down for 2 hours mind numbing. I want to get up and move. It's hard to circulate too as a host if you have to eat.
I really just don't it. And these foodie groups always take tons of photos of their food. Who cares? It is just so gluttonous to me because there are people starving in this world and all these people seem to care about is their own food. I find foodies are too small minded for my liking. There's more to life than just eating.
There are several meetup groups out there that are just on food and going out for dinner. I think I joined one once and never went to it. All they did was regular coffee and brunches but they were on Sundays and usually I had other things to do.
One woman has a group going that aims to be budget conscious, under $20 for the meal but I find several of the meetups are well over this range.
I never really understood the popularity of these groups. I can understand going out for dinner once a month but that's all these people do and that would be super boring for me. There's so much to do in Toronto but why just eat all the time?
This one woman has a blog on food and its super boring. This person is like obsessed with eating and I think it's rather unhealthy. Someone was telling me people can be like that if they are obsessed about being thin. This woman is rather thin but I think she needs a hobby besides food.
I myself have several hobbies like qigong, meditation, yoga, walking, improv and live music. I have more interests and I would rather spend my money on fun things that involve exploring the city instead of just eating. That would be super boring for me.
I was told the appeal for dinner meetups is that it gives people the chance to socialize and eat, which is a common activity. I find sitting down for 2 hours mind numbing. I want to get up and move. It's hard to circulate too as a host if you have to eat.
I really just don't it. And these foodie groups always take tons of photos of their food. Who cares? It is just so gluttonous to me because there are people starving in this world and all these people seem to care about is their own food. I find foodies are too small minded for my liking. There's more to life than just eating.
Thursday, September 11, 2014
Another Sad Love Song
Greetings all,
I went camping for the long weekend since I didn't go last year. I had a good time and the last time I went was with the introvert group. I found camping triggered some emotions from when I went camping 2 years ago. I had to share my tent with a guy this year. Normally I have the tent to myself. We started having deep conversations in the morning because we were the only ones up. We talked about relationships. He came with me cottaging so we talked about relationships up there and did have more conversations. I shared my experiences with my ex and being that I was talking to a guy, he gave me a different perspective on my ex's behaviour that most of my female friends didn't provide, probably because we are female.
I hadn't thought much of my ex but it got me thinking a bit. Maybe I was harsh but I was really hurt by everything and how everyone treated me cruelly. My behaviour is justified in my mind. I ended up sending an email to my ex saying that I went camping and it brought back positive memories. This was last week and obviously I didn't hear back from him.
My intention wasn't to get back with him. After I sent it and didn't hear back right away like when I recontacted him after running into him at Menchies, I started to regret it. I thought he was an asshole and why do I keep being the good person, trying to make amends? He just ignores me and doesn't deal with the issues. He probably is in a relationship with aimee, why make myself the fool?
I don't think it would work out. I want marriage and a family and he's not officially divorced even though he is not remotely involved with his ex, other than in dealing with his son. It would have been nice to be on speaking terms, but I was not sure if I'd want to be friends. My trust in him was shattered.
I guess it really is over, friendship and all and in a way it's sad.
I know when I was in a long distance thing with someone, we had this same on/off dynamic that I had with my ex and I am not sure why this happens. I'm not sure if it means I'm with the wrong person and just sticking around for attraction purposes or if I need to improve my communication and relationship skills. Maybe instead of breaking up, I need to just step back? I don't know what it is yet but we'll see what happens when I get into another relationship.
I went camping for the long weekend since I didn't go last year. I had a good time and the last time I went was with the introvert group. I found camping triggered some emotions from when I went camping 2 years ago. I had to share my tent with a guy this year. Normally I have the tent to myself. We started having deep conversations in the morning because we were the only ones up. We talked about relationships. He came with me cottaging so we talked about relationships up there and did have more conversations. I shared my experiences with my ex and being that I was talking to a guy, he gave me a different perspective on my ex's behaviour that most of my female friends didn't provide, probably because we are female.
I hadn't thought much of my ex but it got me thinking a bit. Maybe I was harsh but I was really hurt by everything and how everyone treated me cruelly. My behaviour is justified in my mind. I ended up sending an email to my ex saying that I went camping and it brought back positive memories. This was last week and obviously I didn't hear back from him.
My intention wasn't to get back with him. After I sent it and didn't hear back right away like when I recontacted him after running into him at Menchies, I started to regret it. I thought he was an asshole and why do I keep being the good person, trying to make amends? He just ignores me and doesn't deal with the issues. He probably is in a relationship with aimee, why make myself the fool?
I don't think it would work out. I want marriage and a family and he's not officially divorced even though he is not remotely involved with his ex, other than in dealing with his son. It would have been nice to be on speaking terms, but I was not sure if I'd want to be friends. My trust in him was shattered.
I guess it really is over, friendship and all and in a way it's sad.
I know when I was in a long distance thing with someone, we had this same on/off dynamic that I had with my ex and I am not sure why this happens. I'm not sure if it means I'm with the wrong person and just sticking around for attraction purposes or if I need to improve my communication and relationship skills. Maybe instead of breaking up, I need to just step back? I don't know what it is yet but we'll see what happens when I get into another relationship.
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
My Review of Poopourri
Greetings all,
I saw this ad on Youtube a while ago for a toilet spray called Poopourri. Basically you spray the toilet bowl surface before you poo and it prevents odors from occurring. I have been meaning to try it and this weekend bought online one for my house and for my parent's as I currently am in town visiting them.
We got our order today and I tried it and it worked. My mom got the Lavender and Vanilla scent. I got Sh*ttin' Pretty which is a blend of rose, jasmine and citrus. I'm not too crazy about the scent of my mother's Poopouri but she likes it. She actually didn't want any scents with fruits as many of them had fruit scents like No. 2 which is a blend of berries and peaches. I don't know what my mother has against fruit smells, but whatever!
Here's the video of the product
I saw this ad on Youtube a while ago for a toilet spray called Poopourri. Basically you spray the toilet bowl surface before you poo and it prevents odors from occurring. I have been meaning to try it and this weekend bought online one for my house and for my parent's as I currently am in town visiting them.
We got our order today and I tried it and it worked. My mom got the Lavender and Vanilla scent. I got Sh*ttin' Pretty which is a blend of rose, jasmine and citrus. I'm not too crazy about the scent of my mother's Poopouri but she likes it. She actually didn't want any scents with fruits as many of them had fruit scents like No. 2 which is a blend of berries and peaches. I don't know what my mother has against fruit smells, but whatever!
Here's the video of the product
Waiting for Python
Greetings all,
I wrote my deferred python exam back on August 13 and still haven't received my grades. Apparently other students have received their grade. I think my grade hasn't been calculated because I wrote a deferral exam. I hope I get a good mark. The class average was C+ which is 65-69%. I think I did good on the exam. I gave myself about a month to prepare for the final exam and my friend Henry was helping me and answering my questions about the material since he self taught himself C++
I also am enrolled with Accessibility Services and so get special accommodations for writing tests and exams because I have test anxiety. I get very nervous and I was seeing a counsellor for my Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) a few times in the winter. I was recommended to enroll by an Academic Adviser in my College. I get a bit of extra time but also I have the option of writing the test in a private room or in a cubical. I went with a private room. It was stuffy but I think it was because of the weather. Overall I liked using the room and felt it made me less anxious. I find when I am in the exam hallway waiting to write the exam, I get really anxious and all the noise is upsetting to me because there will be hundreds of students in the hall waiting as well to write the test. I like arriving early for things but that doesn't help me much.
I've been struggling with writing tests and exams and I think some of it has to do with having test anxiety. I know in high school I was always in a state of anxiety and I didn't realize it until I was older. Also at the time, we didn't have any special accommodations for people with test anxiety. It's surprising how allowing some students privacy and extra time can make them feel better and relieve the suffering that comes with writing tests.
I wrote my deferred python exam back on August 13 and still haven't received my grades. Apparently other students have received their grade. I think my grade hasn't been calculated because I wrote a deferral exam. I hope I get a good mark. The class average was C+ which is 65-69%. I think I did good on the exam. I gave myself about a month to prepare for the final exam and my friend Henry was helping me and answering my questions about the material since he self taught himself C++
I also am enrolled with Accessibility Services and so get special accommodations for writing tests and exams because I have test anxiety. I get very nervous and I was seeing a counsellor for my Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) a few times in the winter. I was recommended to enroll by an Academic Adviser in my College. I get a bit of extra time but also I have the option of writing the test in a private room or in a cubical. I went with a private room. It was stuffy but I think it was because of the weather. Overall I liked using the room and felt it made me less anxious. I find when I am in the exam hallway waiting to write the exam, I get really anxious and all the noise is upsetting to me because there will be hundreds of students in the hall waiting as well to write the test. I like arriving early for things but that doesn't help me much.
I've been struggling with writing tests and exams and I think some of it has to do with having test anxiety. I know in high school I was always in a state of anxiety and I didn't realize it until I was older. Also at the time, we didn't have any special accommodations for people with test anxiety. It's surprising how allowing some students privacy and extra time can make them feel better and relieve the suffering that comes with writing tests.
I Miss Having a Boyfriend
Greetings all,
A couple of weeks ago I was dreaming about my ex. We didn't break up on happy terms and sometimes I find I pine for him. When I reflect upon the situation, I really think it boils down to yearning for a boyfriend. I don't think he was a good boyfriend and I think it's over for a reason. It's been well over a year of being single and sometimes it's hard.
Last week I was at Menchie's having frozen yogurt with a male friend and next to us a couple with a young child sat next to us. I really wish I was part of a family and had a devoted husband. It makes me sad sometimes because I don't know if it's in the cards for me. The older I get, the more I think it may not happen to me.
I broke up with my ex because I felt like he was in love with a female friend. What if I was wrong? What if it was just friendship? I still couldn't take him back because I have pride in myself. What if I was right? That would be even worse. Either way, I could never be friends with him. My pride, his crime. Either way a friendship is not possible. I guess that's how my thinking goes.
Anyways, I miss having a boyfriend and have been on a few dates. It's been pretty dry though. I try to be positive about it and hopefully one day the right man will come along.
A couple of weeks ago I was dreaming about my ex. We didn't break up on happy terms and sometimes I find I pine for him. When I reflect upon the situation, I really think it boils down to yearning for a boyfriend. I don't think he was a good boyfriend and I think it's over for a reason. It's been well over a year of being single and sometimes it's hard.
Last week I was at Menchie's having frozen yogurt with a male friend and next to us a couple with a young child sat next to us. I really wish I was part of a family and had a devoted husband. It makes me sad sometimes because I don't know if it's in the cards for me. The older I get, the more I think it may not happen to me.
I broke up with my ex because I felt like he was in love with a female friend. What if I was wrong? What if it was just friendship? I still couldn't take him back because I have pride in myself. What if I was right? That would be even worse. Either way, I could never be friends with him. My pride, his crime. Either way a friendship is not possible. I guess that's how my thinking goes.
Anyways, I miss having a boyfriend and have been on a few dates. It's been pretty dry though. I try to be positive about it and hopefully one day the right man will come along.
Sunday, July 20, 2014
Fuck You Facebook!
Greetings all,
About 2 weeks ago, Facebook put my account on hold simply because I was using a nickname and not my full name. This pissed me off greatly that I decided to deactivate my account and I don't miss Facebook at all.
For me, people can search for me if they have my email address. I don't want my full name being posted when I comment on things because I do comment on various social/political sites and on other sites and just want to maintain some privacy.
I feel forcing me to use my name when I don't want to, it a violation of my wanting some privacy so I just decided that I had enough of Facebook.
I used to like it because I was subscribed to some groups that dealt with feminist issues or about economic issues so it was informative. I also was a fan of George Takei since I also like funny posts.
Fuck you Facebook, you are a waste of my time!
About 2 weeks ago, Facebook put my account on hold simply because I was using a nickname and not my full name. This pissed me off greatly that I decided to deactivate my account and I don't miss Facebook at all.
For me, people can search for me if they have my email address. I don't want my full name being posted when I comment on things because I do comment on various social/political sites and on other sites and just want to maintain some privacy.
I feel forcing me to use my name when I don't want to, it a violation of my wanting some privacy so I just decided that I had enough of Facebook.
I used to like it because I was subscribed to some groups that dealt with feminist issues or about economic issues so it was informative. I also was a fan of George Takei since I also like funny posts.
Fuck you Facebook, you are a waste of my time!
Saturday, June 07, 2014
A New Man
Greetings all,
I've been on okcupid for several months and landed 3 dates. It was really tough to get dates and the men weren't interesting. I decided to take a break from that site and maybe a man in real life will show up and actually a new man has entered my life. I am not sure where it will go but he's really upbeat and I find him attractive. We've had a few dates. It's still early but we'll see how it goes.
I sent my introvert friend a text since I didn't hear from her for over a month. I asked in the text how she was doing since I didn't hear from her in a while. I got no response. I think my ex Mike officially had something to do with this. Probably manipulated her, which isn't fair.
Mike's mom had depression and she ended up being on meds that made her suicidal. She ended up taking on her own life when Mike was in high school. I thought Mike of all people would understand mental health issues. When the introvert friend told me how condescending Mike and aimee were to her and her boyfriend earlier this year when they hung out at Mike's house to play euchre, it made me upset. I know aimee is a catty person because every so often she would make catty remarks towards me. Women do that when they are insecure and feel threatened. I knew she was threatened by me, even though I wasn't a real threat. I was always encouraging her to be a better person and to be conscious of her actions, pretty much how I treat everyone in my life. Every so often she made a catty remark towards me. She was just insecure and so it made her feel better to take me down a notch. It hurt my feelings but it never hurt my self esteem because the self esteem I have built over the years by my spiritual practice cannot be destroyed by petty comments.
I remember one evening Mike, Carolyn (the introvert friend) and I were having pizza at Pizza Hut. She opened up about her mental difficulties and Mike was rather sympathic towards her. I was too because I can understand mental health issues being that I have it in my family and suffer from it as well. If it were aimee instead in my position, I don't think Mike would have been sympathetic at all.
Mike is a very different person around aimee. He was not a nice person. I wasn't surprised when she told me how he treated her that night. He should have known better. It angered me as well that someone with his history would go along with aimee and be mean towards someone who was vulnerable.
I think the fact that she is tossing away this friendship and choosing Mike is not a good choice and I may not want to be her friend again should she chose to contact me. On some level they all know aimee manipulates Mike and does not bring out his best.
I don't know why Mike and aimee feel it was okay to indirectly put someone down like Carolyn. Actually I do know why. They are both insecure and it makes them feel better to act superior over someone vulnerable like Carolyn. It's disgusting. Mike and aimee disgust me and lack basic human respect. It's quite sad that people need to put others down to feel good about themselves but it reveals alot about their character.
I've been on okcupid for several months and landed 3 dates. It was really tough to get dates and the men weren't interesting. I decided to take a break from that site and maybe a man in real life will show up and actually a new man has entered my life. I am not sure where it will go but he's really upbeat and I find him attractive. We've had a few dates. It's still early but we'll see how it goes.
* * *
I sent my introvert friend a text since I didn't hear from her for over a month. I asked in the text how she was doing since I didn't hear from her in a while. I got no response. I think my ex Mike officially had something to do with this. Probably manipulated her, which isn't fair.
Mike's mom had depression and she ended up being on meds that made her suicidal. She ended up taking on her own life when Mike was in high school. I thought Mike of all people would understand mental health issues. When the introvert friend told me how condescending Mike and aimee were to her and her boyfriend earlier this year when they hung out at Mike's house to play euchre, it made me upset. I know aimee is a catty person because every so often she would make catty remarks towards me. Women do that when they are insecure and feel threatened. I knew she was threatened by me, even though I wasn't a real threat. I was always encouraging her to be a better person and to be conscious of her actions, pretty much how I treat everyone in my life. Every so often she made a catty remark towards me. She was just insecure and so it made her feel better to take me down a notch. It hurt my feelings but it never hurt my self esteem because the self esteem I have built over the years by my spiritual practice cannot be destroyed by petty comments.
I remember one evening Mike, Carolyn (the introvert friend) and I were having pizza at Pizza Hut. She opened up about her mental difficulties and Mike was rather sympathic towards her. I was too because I can understand mental health issues being that I have it in my family and suffer from it as well. If it were aimee instead in my position, I don't think Mike would have been sympathetic at all.
Mike is a very different person around aimee. He was not a nice person. I wasn't surprised when she told me how he treated her that night. He should have known better. It angered me as well that someone with his history would go along with aimee and be mean towards someone who was vulnerable.
I think the fact that she is tossing away this friendship and choosing Mike is not a good choice and I may not want to be her friend again should she chose to contact me. On some level they all know aimee manipulates Mike and does not bring out his best.
I don't know why Mike and aimee feel it was okay to indirectly put someone down like Carolyn. Actually I do know why. They are both insecure and it makes them feel better to act superior over someone vulnerable like Carolyn. It's disgusting. Mike and aimee disgust me and lack basic human respect. It's quite sad that people need to put others down to feel good about themselves but it reveals alot about their character.
* * *
I have gone back to working with the shabad Sopurkh. I have done several disciplines with it and never felt I got anything out of it. It's supposed to be help women uplift men. I was chanting it in the past to help my brother and father because my brother seems to be having life issues and just doesn't seem to get his shit together. My dad has several bad habits, namely watching tv all the time, smoking and not getting exercise since he watches tv all the time. I never felt anything happen. Spirit Voyage has done an 11 day discipline earlier this year and I didn't notice anything or feel anything.
I decided again to work with it because I feel like I want to find the right man and be in love and start a family. I also want to help the men in my family and overall help men in general because I feel like men are so inferior to women in some ways. I also want to be surrounded by better men, especially since the majority of men in the Introvert Social were emotionally immature and dysfunctional.
A few days ago I was starting to feel the energy of this shabad. One night I just chanted it more then usual. I decided to just do 3-5 reps a day instead of the typical 11 repetitions because it takes 30 mins to do that much and I just didn't want to spend 30 mins. I also decided to not do 40 days but just do it for as long as I felt necessary. I think it will be easier to do this longer since I am not required to do so many at once.
I had a couple of dreams earlier this week and one of them was about aimee and my ex Mike. They were together and it just angered me. After I had this dream, I just felt like I didn't care about them anymore. I felt like Mike should have been more honest with me. That's what is important to me. If he's in love with aimee and wants to be in a relationship with her, go for it but he was being dishonest to me about his true feelings because I could tell from his actions he was in love with her. He did anything for her. It doesn't take a genius to figure that he obviously was in love with her. Maybe she was afraid to be with him. I don't know. But there was no need to lie to me about what was going on.
I had another dream about some other guy that now I can't remember. But it was encouraging that I felt some energy while chanting this because I had practiced it for so long with not feeling like anything was going on.
I do feel I am healed now from my experience with Mike and aimee and the Introvert Social. I could care less what these people do with their lives because they are not the kind of people I want in my life. I want people who have good communication skills, who are emotionally mature, open and honest and are confident in who they are and believe in treating people with kindness.
Just because I am an introvert, doesn't mean I shared the same values as these people, even though they themselves were introverts.
Friday, May 30, 2014
Getting Some SNR
Greetings all,
The ashram where I used to do my Sat Nam Rasayan (SNR), stopped running our biweekly practice I think in the beginning of the year. The woman who started it a couple of years ago when Hari Nam came to Toronto to start teaching us this got the ball rolling and she was leading regular weekly practice sessions. We then started doing it biweekly because she didn't have time to do it every week and we also probably had other things that we wanted to do as well and doing it every Sunday wasn't easy on our personal schedules. Eventually she had back issues so one of our regulars took over. Our group was a small one. It basically was the 3 of us and when this woman got her back issues, it was 2 of us at times. Sometimes we would have a couple of people show up once or twice but we never really seemed to get a crowd going. We were starting to get one woman as a regular but then it ended up getting cancelled because I think some other woman was taking over for the woman that was substituting.
As well for me, I wasn't able to go as much and my participation in it dwindled this year. I usually try to visit my family every other week or every 3 weeks and sometimes I was too busy with school. At one point, I did feel like it would be nice to have a break but now that it's not running regularly, I miss it and I definitely miss the community, even if it was just a couple of us.
My Sat Nam Rasayan practice was important to me and it really helped me get better at meditation and helped me to become less reactive and more neutral. I was also not able to attend workshops since they would run 3 times a year and have been on Tuesdays. I've been having classes on Tuesdays for the most part so it made it difficult for me.
I was quite happy to go to this workshop because I haven't seen the instructor Hari Nam in over a year or 2. I remarked to one of the regulars at SNR that he has a really strong energy. We were having a conversation about people's energy and I wondered about my own energy impact on others because sometimes I am around people whose energy I do not like and wondered if they had that awareness of their own energy.
It's usually uncommon for me to meet people who have strong energies and he has a nice energy. Although I think personally, having an energy that feels good, doesn't mean the person is good. I liked my ex's energy but he was not a good person. Another woman who ran a meetup group had energy I liked. I didn't know her well but she sent out emails to members about her own sexual abuse and she seemed really like someone with emotional issues. I'm not here to judge someone's personal life but I didn't feel it was appropriate to send out some mass email like that. I didn't know her well enough. I can understand wanting to open up to people whom you were closer to or to people in person.
Anyways, my point is that good energy doesn't mean the person is a good person or emotionally stable like these 2 people I mentioned.
We ended up doing 2 meditations and did lots of partner work. He had us focus on a variety of things but the focus was different from other sessions. He wanted us to focus on our partner's self awareness and inner perception and their insecurity. He also wanted us to say who we were in conflict with and I guess the healer doesn't have to know the person but relates to the feelings associated with that person when the patient thinks about them. We did 2 rounds of this. I first thought of my brother. I seem to be in conflict with him and he is just very difficult to get along with. On the 2nd round, I thought of my ex and said 'ex'. Hari Nam said we can say boss or ex or coworker if we didn't want to give a name. When I said ex, I also thought of aimee. I guess when I think of my conflict with my ex, I can't help but think of aimee. She was definitely part of the problem and enjoyed manipulating him and in a way turning him against me, although I don't know if that's what she was intending. Her intention simply could have been to use him and causing a rift between us was a by-product. But I'll never really know. I don't know if I'll ever get over the feeling of betrayal but I probably will. It's been over a year anyways but when people betray you like those my ex and aimee, it can take a very long time to heal from those wounds. Those wounds were pretty deep.
Overall I found the partner work was interesting and different from previous sessions we've done. A lot of sickness I think can stem from a person having a faulty perception of themself or of being insecure and not feeling good about who they are. I would never thing to feel someone based on that perspective. Basically it seemed like it was about opening up ourselves to how a person feels themself, which I think would be a really powerful thing if one gets good at it.
I can pick up on certain things about people and I do feel I can hone my feeling ability with this practice.
I was pretty tired this morning and I do feel a bit out of it.
The meditations we did were ones he taught us before but I definitely felt like I got something out of this workshop even if the meditations were the same. We also had a lot of new people as well. We didn't have time to do another meditation he mentioned that was good to practice and it was a meditation called Meditation for the Intuitive Intellect. I remember that he taught us this meditation before and I will do a 40 day practice with this meditation. He said yesterday it was a good meditation and a way to know things. I want to know things, so I thought I will try this.
The other strange thing that occurred was about a few days before this workshop, I started feeling weird. I knew my period was coming and I was feeling more irritable and emotional. I ended getting my period as well but was also crying a lot and feeling very emotional. I wasn't sure what was going on because as I mentioned before, I was chanting alot of the mantra, Har Singh Nar Singh and wondered if that was clearing up stuff because I felt so drawn to it. Normally when I get my period, I am not that moody. Sometimes I have been but I wondered if that catharsis was related to my chanting.
My SNR friend said that it was probably related to this workshop. On some level, I was probably preparing for this workshop and clearing up stuff. She said when Hari Nam worked on her, the week leading up to her private session, she felt irritable and he was like 'okay'. I don't know if that's true but it certainly defies a lot of things I have come to believe. Like how is that possible? Who's bringing this stuff up for emotional release? Am I part of the SNR chain because of my past experience practicing so this is how I am energetically connected?
It was odd. I don't know what was going on emotionally with me and it may take me a few days to process this week and what I've been through.
The ashram where I used to do my Sat Nam Rasayan (SNR), stopped running our biweekly practice I think in the beginning of the year. The woman who started it a couple of years ago when Hari Nam came to Toronto to start teaching us this got the ball rolling and she was leading regular weekly practice sessions. We then started doing it biweekly because she didn't have time to do it every week and we also probably had other things that we wanted to do as well and doing it every Sunday wasn't easy on our personal schedules. Eventually she had back issues so one of our regulars took over. Our group was a small one. It basically was the 3 of us and when this woman got her back issues, it was 2 of us at times. Sometimes we would have a couple of people show up once or twice but we never really seemed to get a crowd going. We were starting to get one woman as a regular but then it ended up getting cancelled because I think some other woman was taking over for the woman that was substituting.
As well for me, I wasn't able to go as much and my participation in it dwindled this year. I usually try to visit my family every other week or every 3 weeks and sometimes I was too busy with school. At one point, I did feel like it would be nice to have a break but now that it's not running regularly, I miss it and I definitely miss the community, even if it was just a couple of us.
My Sat Nam Rasayan practice was important to me and it really helped me get better at meditation and helped me to become less reactive and more neutral. I was also not able to attend workshops since they would run 3 times a year and have been on Tuesdays. I've been having classes on Tuesdays for the most part so it made it difficult for me.
I was quite happy to go to this workshop because I haven't seen the instructor Hari Nam in over a year or 2. I remarked to one of the regulars at SNR that he has a really strong energy. We were having a conversation about people's energy and I wondered about my own energy impact on others because sometimes I am around people whose energy I do not like and wondered if they had that awareness of their own energy.
It's usually uncommon for me to meet people who have strong energies and he has a nice energy. Although I think personally, having an energy that feels good, doesn't mean the person is good. I liked my ex's energy but he was not a good person. Another woman who ran a meetup group had energy I liked. I didn't know her well but she sent out emails to members about her own sexual abuse and she seemed really like someone with emotional issues. I'm not here to judge someone's personal life but I didn't feel it was appropriate to send out some mass email like that. I didn't know her well enough. I can understand wanting to open up to people whom you were closer to or to people in person.
Anyways, my point is that good energy doesn't mean the person is a good person or emotionally stable like these 2 people I mentioned.
We ended up doing 2 meditations and did lots of partner work. He had us focus on a variety of things but the focus was different from other sessions. He wanted us to focus on our partner's self awareness and inner perception and their insecurity. He also wanted us to say who we were in conflict with and I guess the healer doesn't have to know the person but relates to the feelings associated with that person when the patient thinks about them. We did 2 rounds of this. I first thought of my brother. I seem to be in conflict with him and he is just very difficult to get along with. On the 2nd round, I thought of my ex and said 'ex'. Hari Nam said we can say boss or ex or coworker if we didn't want to give a name. When I said ex, I also thought of aimee. I guess when I think of my conflict with my ex, I can't help but think of aimee. She was definitely part of the problem and enjoyed manipulating him and in a way turning him against me, although I don't know if that's what she was intending. Her intention simply could have been to use him and causing a rift between us was a by-product. But I'll never really know. I don't know if I'll ever get over the feeling of betrayal but I probably will. It's been over a year anyways but when people betray you like those my ex and aimee, it can take a very long time to heal from those wounds. Those wounds were pretty deep.
Overall I found the partner work was interesting and different from previous sessions we've done. A lot of sickness I think can stem from a person having a faulty perception of themself or of being insecure and not feeling good about who they are. I would never thing to feel someone based on that perspective. Basically it seemed like it was about opening up ourselves to how a person feels themself, which I think would be a really powerful thing if one gets good at it.
I can pick up on certain things about people and I do feel I can hone my feeling ability with this practice.
I was pretty tired this morning and I do feel a bit out of it.
The meditations we did were ones he taught us before but I definitely felt like I got something out of this workshop even if the meditations were the same. We also had a lot of new people as well. We didn't have time to do another meditation he mentioned that was good to practice and it was a meditation called Meditation for the Intuitive Intellect. I remember that he taught us this meditation before and I will do a 40 day practice with this meditation. He said yesterday it was a good meditation and a way to know things. I want to know things, so I thought I will try this.
The other strange thing that occurred was about a few days before this workshop, I started feeling weird. I knew my period was coming and I was feeling more irritable and emotional. I ended getting my period as well but was also crying a lot and feeling very emotional. I wasn't sure what was going on because as I mentioned before, I was chanting alot of the mantra, Har Singh Nar Singh and wondered if that was clearing up stuff because I felt so drawn to it. Normally when I get my period, I am not that moody. Sometimes I have been but I wondered if that catharsis was related to my chanting.
My SNR friend said that it was probably related to this workshop. On some level, I was probably preparing for this workshop and clearing up stuff. She said when Hari Nam worked on her, the week leading up to her private session, she felt irritable and he was like 'okay'. I don't know if that's true but it certainly defies a lot of things I have come to believe. Like how is that possible? Who's bringing this stuff up for emotional release? Am I part of the SNR chain because of my past experience practicing so this is how I am energetically connected?
It was odd. I don't know what was going on emotionally with me and it may take me a few days to process this week and what I've been through.
Monday, May 26, 2014
Gone?
Greetings all,
I haven't heard from my introvert friend after she brought up how my ex was all pissed off at her about what I wrote on my blog about him. I wonder if it's because he bullied her into no longer associating with me. Or she's going through another depressive phase and feeling unsocial.
It's been a few weeks and I wonder if he forwarded her my email about warning him not to stalk me online anymore. I had a feeling he was and the fact that she verified shouldn't be held against her.
I honestly have to say, this was by far the worst breakup I ever had. Even when things ended with my eharmony british interest, I was deeply heart broken but I didn't lose my 'friends'. I never had an ex have my 'friends' all turn on me and take his side. I never had a guy cheat on me and deny it the way he did. His behaviour was ridiculous. I never had a group ignore my efforts in helping make the group succeed.
One boyfriend, 3 traumatizing ways to damage me. Never had that happen.
Yesterday I actually felt grateful I am no longer with him. Maybe my heart will heal from the abuse I experienced.
I haven't heard from my introvert friend after she brought up how my ex was all pissed off at her about what I wrote on my blog about him. I wonder if it's because he bullied her into no longer associating with me. Or she's going through another depressive phase and feeling unsocial.
It's been a few weeks and I wonder if he forwarded her my email about warning him not to stalk me online anymore. I had a feeling he was and the fact that she verified shouldn't be held against her.
I honestly have to say, this was by far the worst breakup I ever had. Even when things ended with my eharmony british interest, I was deeply heart broken but I didn't lose my 'friends'. I never had an ex have my 'friends' all turn on me and take his side. I never had a guy cheat on me and deny it the way he did. His behaviour was ridiculous. I never had a group ignore my efforts in helping make the group succeed.
One boyfriend, 3 traumatizing ways to damage me. Never had that happen.
Yesterday I actually felt grateful I am no longer with him. Maybe my heart will heal from the abuse I experienced.
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