Greetings all,
I have returned last Saturday from my vacation. I was in Cambodia for 3 weeks and then spent 3 weeks in Vietnam. It's been a week since I have been back but I am still experiencing jet lag and feel rather tired. I had a good experience but Vietnam and Cambodia are not countries I would want to return to. I learned a bit about their cultures. They had some differences and some similarities. For me, the people of these countries are definitely racist in my mind. In Canada, we are so multicultural but in these countries, I stick out because I am white and for those in certain industries, they just think we white people have so much money. Many tuk tuk drivers or motobike drivers try to take advantage of tourists and many retailers are always trying to sell you something and are extremely annoying.
Just because I have money to fly and visit your country, doesn't mean I have money to burn. I was on a budget and had to respect that. I didn't have a job so I don't have money coming in. Greed is everywhere in the world.
The weather was hot and humid and when I came back home, it was cold. I really hated the heat and humidity but I think I hate the cold more. I am rather tanned and I think at some point in my life, I am going to leave this cold Canada to where it is warmer year round. I know for me, I am tired of the cold.
I have to find a new apartment now and am starting school in a couple of weeks. I am taking economics and signed up for calculus but the summer session is shorter and I think calculus is basically like a year class, I may drop it and take prep courses for math as I am a bit out of practice when it comes to math.
I also feel rather out of practice with my kundalini yoga. I didn't do much yoga while traveling and now I find it hard to get back into a regular discipline and meditation. I am also feeling depressed. Not quite sure why but hopefully things will get better for me and that I get back into meditating.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Hello Cambodia!
Greetings all,
I have been laid off 3 times in the past 4 years and I have had enough. Getting constantly laid off had taken its toll on my soul. Getting laid off once, sure I handled it. Twice was pushing it but three was the straw that broke the camel's back. Originally I planned to go back to school part time because I only went for 1 year university because I didn't know what to major in and didn't see the point of spending the money as I chose to pay my own way through school.
Since I've been laid off so many times, I tend to be out of work in the beginning of the year and with the way the economy has been, it would take months and months and hundreds of resumes sent with a handful of interviews secured before I ended up finding work.
I'd had enough and with my seasonal affective disorder (SAD), I could not tolerate staying in a dark and cold country and spend my time searching for a job that takes forever to arrive. I wanted to do something different and break the cycle.
So I decided to go back full time to school and start in May. I plan to study economics and math. Mainly because in my anthroposophical book group, I've been interested in economics and how to organize society in a manner that embraces the spirit and meets the material needs of the people. Steiner has written and lectured about World Economy and about the Three Fold Social Order. I think it makes sense and the brilliance of his concepts is that he doesn't say what to do but gets you to look at things from a different angle and thus your thinking capacity is stimulated and you learn how to attack problems from a more creative place, which I feel is sorely lacking in our society.
Since I didn't want to look for work I decided I'd kill time by traveling. I decided I'll look for a part time job when I return. I've known people who have done service work and so I thought I'd try it myself but do it in a different country. I learned about voluntourism which is where you pay an organization and they find you a placement. Part of the costs covers food and rent but some of it obviously goes in the pockets of the company. Nothing wrong with that. You provide a service, why not get paid for it? It didn't appeal to me because I'm sure I could find a place on my own to volunteer. And some of the companies had crazy prices, like $4000 for 2 weeks. The more reasonably priced ones were a quarter of that. Also this cost does not include the cost of the flight.
I had no specific country that I was drawn to visiting but I looked at one company's descriptions of the type of placements and the countries available and I decided on Cambodia and wanted to find an organization that was involved in human rights. I had to think about this because I initially wanted to spend all my time volunteering but then I thought that I like to travel and it's going to be hard for me to be in a country and just stay in one area. I decided that I'd spend less time volunteering so I could get some travel time in.
I ended up finding an organization that does work in human rights and community development. I met with them on Monday. They are located in Phnom Penh, the capital of Cambodia. I started to do work for them on Tuesday (yesterday). I was to do work like administration, microfinance and editing reports that were in english. They told me on Monday I could go out to a village as one of my tasks. I was shown something on microfinance but I don't know what they were planning for me. I also got some reports to edit and edited an annual report. It was informative and I got to learn more about what they do.
I didn't feel good volunteering. It felt like a job and I wasn't going to get paid. I've volunteered before and usually I enjoy what I do. I've volunteered for some art organizations where I act as an ambassador and answer people's questions. It was fun and I got the perk of being able to attend events and in some cases see free shows. People who do other volunteer work, do it because they feel they get something out of it. It makes them feel good. I just wasn't feeling good. Also there were no hostels near where I was working. Maybe I could have found a hotel, which tend to more expensive but it would cost me $4 each way on a tuk tuk to get there. (tuk tuk is the only public way to get around as there is no transit system I possibly could have rented a scooter but I don't have experience using one and the traffic here is crazy and they utilize minimal stop lights.
I've been in Phnom Penh for a week now and have pretty much seen all the main things to see. The city is quite busy and loud. It's also very hot and humid and I hate the humidity. There are many scooters on the roads and some cars. The city is quite loud and parts are rather dirty and smelly. I was starting to get sick of staying here. I live in a big city and really want to get away from the big city and would rather be in a more calm place. I am starting to get annoyed with Phnom Penh and feel I need to leave because the city is starting to drive me nuts. Tuk tuk drivers are constantly asking me if I need a ride. They are like the paparazzi! Give me some space damn it!
I was talking with one of my hostel mates last night about the city and how I'm not sure if I should stay to volunteer. I was quite unhappy but at the same time I don't like to quit things. I decided that I'm not going to continue volunteering. Maybe in the future I can give it more thought but right now doing the volunteering I did yesterday was not something I'd be happy doing. So I'm leaving tomorrow and heading south. There are other places in the country I want to see. I plan to stay in Cambodia for a couple of more weeks and want to see Vietnam and Laos and possibly a bit of Thailand. I have until mid April to travel. I bought a one way ticket so my return is flexible, although I am starting school in May and need to find a place to live for May as I moved out and put my stuff in storage.
I felt bad and stressed about continuing to volunteer because I wanted to see what the rest of this country looks like and didn't want to be stuck here in Phnom Penh. I think traveling is probably better for me. I guess my aspiration of being a humanitarian didn't work out but at least if I decide to do something, it should be something I'd enjoy doing for free and maybe volunteering in my own country would be better. Or maybe I just need to find something that I can enjoy doing for a short period of time, like a week. But also maybe I'm just not the type to work while traveling since I am curious and like to explore and at heart am probably more a traveler then a humanitarian.
Do-gooding will have to wait. Adventure awaits!
I have been laid off 3 times in the past 4 years and I have had enough. Getting constantly laid off had taken its toll on my soul. Getting laid off once, sure I handled it. Twice was pushing it but three was the straw that broke the camel's back. Originally I planned to go back to school part time because I only went for 1 year university because I didn't know what to major in and didn't see the point of spending the money as I chose to pay my own way through school.
Since I've been laid off so many times, I tend to be out of work in the beginning of the year and with the way the economy has been, it would take months and months and hundreds of resumes sent with a handful of interviews secured before I ended up finding work.
I'd had enough and with my seasonal affective disorder (SAD), I could not tolerate staying in a dark and cold country and spend my time searching for a job that takes forever to arrive. I wanted to do something different and break the cycle.
So I decided to go back full time to school and start in May. I plan to study economics and math. Mainly because in my anthroposophical book group, I've been interested in economics and how to organize society in a manner that embraces the spirit and meets the material needs of the people. Steiner has written and lectured about World Economy and about the Three Fold Social Order. I think it makes sense and the brilliance of his concepts is that he doesn't say what to do but gets you to look at things from a different angle and thus your thinking capacity is stimulated and you learn how to attack problems from a more creative place, which I feel is sorely lacking in our society.
Since I didn't want to look for work I decided I'd kill time by traveling. I decided I'll look for a part time job when I return. I've known people who have done service work and so I thought I'd try it myself but do it in a different country. I learned about voluntourism which is where you pay an organization and they find you a placement. Part of the costs covers food and rent but some of it obviously goes in the pockets of the company. Nothing wrong with that. You provide a service, why not get paid for it? It didn't appeal to me because I'm sure I could find a place on my own to volunteer. And some of the companies had crazy prices, like $4000 for 2 weeks. The more reasonably priced ones were a quarter of that. Also this cost does not include the cost of the flight.
I had no specific country that I was drawn to visiting but I looked at one company's descriptions of the type of placements and the countries available and I decided on Cambodia and wanted to find an organization that was involved in human rights. I had to think about this because I initially wanted to spend all my time volunteering but then I thought that I like to travel and it's going to be hard for me to be in a country and just stay in one area. I decided that I'd spend less time volunteering so I could get some travel time in.
I ended up finding an organization that does work in human rights and community development. I met with them on Monday. They are located in Phnom Penh, the capital of Cambodia. I started to do work for them on Tuesday (yesterday). I was to do work like administration, microfinance and editing reports that were in english. They told me on Monday I could go out to a village as one of my tasks. I was shown something on microfinance but I don't know what they were planning for me. I also got some reports to edit and edited an annual report. It was informative and I got to learn more about what they do.
I didn't feel good volunteering. It felt like a job and I wasn't going to get paid. I've volunteered before and usually I enjoy what I do. I've volunteered for some art organizations where I act as an ambassador and answer people's questions. It was fun and I got the perk of being able to attend events and in some cases see free shows. People who do other volunteer work, do it because they feel they get something out of it. It makes them feel good. I just wasn't feeling good. Also there were no hostels near where I was working. Maybe I could have found a hotel, which tend to more expensive but it would cost me $4 each way on a tuk tuk to get there. (tuk tuk is the only public way to get around as there is no transit system I possibly could have rented a scooter but I don't have experience using one and the traffic here is crazy and they utilize minimal stop lights.
I've been in Phnom Penh for a week now and have pretty much seen all the main things to see. The city is quite busy and loud. It's also very hot and humid and I hate the humidity. There are many scooters on the roads and some cars. The city is quite loud and parts are rather dirty and smelly. I was starting to get sick of staying here. I live in a big city and really want to get away from the big city and would rather be in a more calm place. I am starting to get annoyed with Phnom Penh and feel I need to leave because the city is starting to drive me nuts. Tuk tuk drivers are constantly asking me if I need a ride. They are like the paparazzi! Give me some space damn it!
I was talking with one of my hostel mates last night about the city and how I'm not sure if I should stay to volunteer. I was quite unhappy but at the same time I don't like to quit things. I decided that I'm not going to continue volunteering. Maybe in the future I can give it more thought but right now doing the volunteering I did yesterday was not something I'd be happy doing. So I'm leaving tomorrow and heading south. There are other places in the country I want to see. I plan to stay in Cambodia for a couple of more weeks and want to see Vietnam and Laos and possibly a bit of Thailand. I have until mid April to travel. I bought a one way ticket so my return is flexible, although I am starting school in May and need to find a place to live for May as I moved out and put my stuff in storage.
I felt bad and stressed about continuing to volunteer because I wanted to see what the rest of this country looks like and didn't want to be stuck here in Phnom Penh. I think traveling is probably better for me. I guess my aspiration of being a humanitarian didn't work out but at least if I decide to do something, it should be something I'd enjoy doing for free and maybe volunteering in my own country would be better. Or maybe I just need to find something that I can enjoy doing for a short period of time, like a week. But also maybe I'm just not the type to work while traveling since I am curious and like to explore and at heart am probably more a traveler then a humanitarian.
Do-gooding will have to wait. Adventure awaits!
Saturday, February 18, 2012
My Experience with Ortho C Lenses - Part 4: Final Review
Greetings all,
I have not written about my experience with my ortho c lens in quite a while. You can learn the history of my experience as follows:
My Experience with Ortho C Part 1
My Experience with Ortho C Part 2
My Experience with Ortho C Part 3
Back in December I got a new pair of lens but Mr. Yee said this was to do drills with. So I had to wear the regular lens he gave me and then wear the drill lens. I tried this for about a month and had to do it twice a week. I didn't really notice a difference and he said it would help probably 1 or 2 diopters. The drills were basically similar to a Bates exercise where you stand in front of this star object and look between 2 points and move your eyes from one point to another and do this 10 times.
I notice that many people would look up my blog to learn about ortho c lens and my initial journey began in the summer of 2007. I can say I didn't think these were good for me.
I have high myopia and initially my prescription was -8.5(right eye) and -8.00(left eye). I thought using the new lens for drills would help but I really didn't notice a difference but I also found the process too high maintenance for me and with little noticeable difference.
I had decided years ago that I wanted to improve my vision and control my myopia because like most myopes, I was getting tired of my prescription getting worse and being told the same excuse my eye is still growing. When you are in your late 20s, this excuse just doesn't fly anymore.
Anyways, it boiled down to ortho c lens or ortho k. I opted for ortho c because Yee claimed on his site it would be permanent. On my reviews, you can read more about my experience but last month I decided that I'd quit this ortho c nonsense. Perhaps my myopia was too high for Yee to correct and so maybe his technique is suitable for people with a lower prescription.
I decided I will try ortho k and yesterday went to get my eyes checked. Now I'm not going yet for the procedure, but it was to see if I'd be a suitable candidate. I had my prescription rechecked and my right eye was -8.25 and my left was -7.50. So 4.5 years ago my right was -8.5 and my left -8 so my right eye improved by .25 and my left .50.
So obviously this ortho c isn't long term because that initial 2 diopter improvement I had disappeared. I'm glad that I'm going to quit it. Yee wanted me to wear a weaker prescription and frankly I was getting tired of not seeing 20/20. I hope that ortho k will be effective. I've done some research on it and it seems better.
Ortho k is not permanent and only works if you keep wearing the lens. You are to wear the lens at night when you sleep and can see clearly with no contacts or glasses during the day. For some people they can go a few nights without wearing one after their eye has stabilized. Of course, the eye can see clearly all day depends on the myopia and it requires some time because in the beginning, your eye will not be able to see 20/20 all day but the process probably takes a few weeks, again depending on your prescription. The industry is improving so the lens are probably able to treat the problem quicker.
I have found 2 informative videos about ortho k:
The 1st video is a Fox news video on ortho k that explains overall the process. Normally I don't trust Fox news but this seemed legit. I think it's a good news story that covers this topic and there do seem to be some happy clients for whom this treatment was effective.
The 2nd video on youtube about ortho k is also informative and involves an interview with an ortho k optician.
I thought John Yee was sincere in his approach. The thing is that his product is just being developed by him, whereas ortho k has been developed for over 40 years and there are many people who have worked to improve it. It does make me wonder if he is stealing some of the concepts. I mean, with ortho k you have to use the lens regularly. Why would his lens require that you use it only for a few minutes and he claims the changes are permanent? Maybe he needs to modify his claims. I just don't feel he was being dishonest. Maybe he was naive with his research. Maybe he's just not a good scientist and in being innovative. Perhaps he did stumble upon something that was worth studying. But Ortho k has more scientific research behind it. It's been in development longer and it has more people involved in its improvement, where Yee is just one man. He should have his ortho c undergo more serious testing. He should have it peer reviewed. If ortho c was so effective, he should be training others in the field and really educating opticians. But none of this is done. He has a patent but that doesn't mean anything. He didn't charge me a lot of money and I really do feel he is sincere. I met him and never got the scammer vibe from him. I don't know enough about his list of clients and their experience. I just write about my own.
Overall I didn't get what I thought I would. Maybe my myopia was too high. I don't recommend ortho c. If my initial 2 diopter improvement was not sustainable, his lens are basically the same as an ortho k but at least with ortho k, they tell you it's not permanent and if you stop wearing them regularly your vision will go back to what it was.
I have not written about my experience with my ortho c lens in quite a while. You can learn the history of my experience as follows:
My Experience with Ortho C Part 1
My Experience with Ortho C Part 2
My Experience with Ortho C Part 3
Back in December I got a new pair of lens but Mr. Yee said this was to do drills with. So I had to wear the regular lens he gave me and then wear the drill lens. I tried this for about a month and had to do it twice a week. I didn't really notice a difference and he said it would help probably 1 or 2 diopters. The drills were basically similar to a Bates exercise where you stand in front of this star object and look between 2 points and move your eyes from one point to another and do this 10 times.
I notice that many people would look up my blog to learn about ortho c lens and my initial journey began in the summer of 2007. I can say I didn't think these were good for me.
I have high myopia and initially my prescription was -8.5(right eye) and -8.00(left eye). I thought using the new lens for drills would help but I really didn't notice a difference but I also found the process too high maintenance for me and with little noticeable difference.
I had decided years ago that I wanted to improve my vision and control my myopia because like most myopes, I was getting tired of my prescription getting worse and being told the same excuse my eye is still growing. When you are in your late 20s, this excuse just doesn't fly anymore.
Anyways, it boiled down to ortho c lens or ortho k. I opted for ortho c because Yee claimed on his site it would be permanent. On my reviews, you can read more about my experience but last month I decided that I'd quit this ortho c nonsense. Perhaps my myopia was too high for Yee to correct and so maybe his technique is suitable for people with a lower prescription.
I decided I will try ortho k and yesterday went to get my eyes checked. Now I'm not going yet for the procedure, but it was to see if I'd be a suitable candidate. I had my prescription rechecked and my right eye was -8.25 and my left was -7.50. So 4.5 years ago my right was -8.5 and my left -8 so my right eye improved by .25 and my left .50.
So obviously this ortho c isn't long term because that initial 2 diopter improvement I had disappeared. I'm glad that I'm going to quit it. Yee wanted me to wear a weaker prescription and frankly I was getting tired of not seeing 20/20. I hope that ortho k will be effective. I've done some research on it and it seems better.
Ortho k is not permanent and only works if you keep wearing the lens. You are to wear the lens at night when you sleep and can see clearly with no contacts or glasses during the day. For some people they can go a few nights without wearing one after their eye has stabilized. Of course, the eye can see clearly all day depends on the myopia and it requires some time because in the beginning, your eye will not be able to see 20/20 all day but the process probably takes a few weeks, again depending on your prescription. The industry is improving so the lens are probably able to treat the problem quicker.
I have found 2 informative videos about ortho k:
The 1st video is a Fox news video on ortho k that explains overall the process. Normally I don't trust Fox news but this seemed legit. I think it's a good news story that covers this topic and there do seem to be some happy clients for whom this treatment was effective.
The 2nd video on youtube about ortho k is also informative and involves an interview with an ortho k optician.
I thought John Yee was sincere in his approach. The thing is that his product is just being developed by him, whereas ortho k has been developed for over 40 years and there are many people who have worked to improve it. It does make me wonder if he is stealing some of the concepts. I mean, with ortho k you have to use the lens regularly. Why would his lens require that you use it only for a few minutes and he claims the changes are permanent? Maybe he needs to modify his claims. I just don't feel he was being dishonest. Maybe he was naive with his research. Maybe he's just not a good scientist and in being innovative. Perhaps he did stumble upon something that was worth studying. But Ortho k has more scientific research behind it. It's been in development longer and it has more people involved in its improvement, where Yee is just one man. He should have his ortho c undergo more serious testing. He should have it peer reviewed. If ortho c was so effective, he should be training others in the field and really educating opticians. But none of this is done. He has a patent but that doesn't mean anything. He didn't charge me a lot of money and I really do feel he is sincere. I met him and never got the scammer vibe from him. I don't know enough about his list of clients and their experience. I just write about my own.
Overall I didn't get what I thought I would. Maybe my myopia was too high. I don't recommend ortho c. If my initial 2 diopter improvement was not sustainable, his lens are basically the same as an ortho k but at least with ortho k, they tell you it's not permanent and if you stop wearing them regularly your vision will go back to what it was.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Men are Pointless!
Greetings all,
I decided to contact that former interest of mine. I came up with the idea of saying thanks for subscribing to my you tube page. He quickly emailed me back wanting to know what I was up to. I told him how I quit stand up. He said that was a shame. I was trying to be a professional when I last talked to him but I knew that I needed a day job while I was working on it as a hobby. I just told him it was a hobby for me.
He then asked what I do to pay the bills (again comedy was never something that payed the bills as it was just a hobby for me at this point) and I said I was laid off again back in December and that I must have bad job karma because I've been laid off 3 times in 4 years and that I think the system and economy was a joke. I said I planned to go back to school as well.
I didn't hear back from him. It upset me because it just goes to show me he's not the right person. He's way too much drama. I don't know what is his problem but if he thinks there's something wrong with me because I seem to have trouble keeping a job, then he is wrong. The economy is terrible and I've unfortunately been on the wrong end. I'm a good worker and good employee. It's that companies are jokes and don't care about employees, just about themselves. I want to go to school, mainly because I feel I need some intellectuality in my life again. I hope it can help me in finding better work but I know that a degree doesn't guarantee you anything.
Some people just don't have luck in their life inspite of their best effort and good intentions. I'm done with him and he can fuck himself because if someone can't be there when you're down, they don't deserve you if things pick up.
I decided to contact that former interest of mine. I came up with the idea of saying thanks for subscribing to my you tube page. He quickly emailed me back wanting to know what I was up to. I told him how I quit stand up. He said that was a shame. I was trying to be a professional when I last talked to him but I knew that I needed a day job while I was working on it as a hobby. I just told him it was a hobby for me.
He then asked what I do to pay the bills (again comedy was never something that payed the bills as it was just a hobby for me at this point) and I said I was laid off again back in December and that I must have bad job karma because I've been laid off 3 times in 4 years and that I think the system and economy was a joke. I said I planned to go back to school as well.
I didn't hear back from him. It upset me because it just goes to show me he's not the right person. He's way too much drama. I don't know what is his problem but if he thinks there's something wrong with me because I seem to have trouble keeping a job, then he is wrong. The economy is terrible and I've unfortunately been on the wrong end. I'm a good worker and good employee. It's that companies are jokes and don't care about employees, just about themselves. I want to go to school, mainly because I feel I need some intellectuality in my life again. I hope it can help me in finding better work but I know that a degree doesn't guarantee you anything.
Some people just don't have luck in their life inspite of their best effort and good intentions. I'm done with him and he can fuck himself because if someone can't be there when you're down, they don't deserve you if things pick up.
Thursday, February 09, 2012
Pointless
Greetings all,
I have decided to leave my apartment and travel for about 6 weeks. I had originally planned to go to school part-time in May but am changing it to full time since I got laid off from my job.
I told my mom my plans to travel and this upsets her. I spend, what I think is a ridiculous amount on rent. Heck, anything over $600 is ridiculous to me because I'm basically giving away money to someone for nothing, just the chance to borrow their space which they get to profit from.
I want to do service work and researched this online. Many companies offer you a volunteer placement but there is some cost involved. Some seem more expensive then others. Cost includes living expenses and food. The companies do make some money from it. I decided I'd rather find my own volunteer placement since I don't want to pay to volunteer.
For me, since I have been out of work and laid off 3 times in the past 4 years I have given up on finding a job. I never could find work this time of year so why waste it being miserable searching? I've learned this from EXPERIENCE. My parents think I should keep trying but it's fruitless. I really truly believe in my heart and mind that I will not find a job this time of year. Maybe when I return in April, I will have better luck in finding something part-time. For me I just feel it would be pointless. My parents have no clue what it's like.
I really think I'll be lucky if I can buy a house at 40 at the way things are going for me. I know I am probably more negative because of my Seasonal Affective Disorder but I just don't know anyone who has been laid off as I have in such a short span. I would be lying if I said this was the last straw. I was only at my job for 5 months and they let people go. This has been too much to bear for me. I have been POOR for 4 years and only able to afford basic living expenses like food and rent.
My mother wants me to see a counsellor but they cost money. My doctor is in Hamilton and I have yet to find a new one because we have a doctor shortage in our country. And if I want to see a counsellor outside my doctor's office I probably will have to pay for it. Our medical system is a joke. I don't support our pharmaceutical approach to medical and yet I have no choice and if I want to use alternative medicine like the orthomolecular or a naturalpathic doctor, I have to pay for one out of my own pocket.
Our country is a joke. The way people organize our country is a joke. The way corporations can screw around its employees is a joke. Life is a joke but the joke is on people like me.
I have decided to leave my apartment and travel for about 6 weeks. I had originally planned to go to school part-time in May but am changing it to full time since I got laid off from my job.
I told my mom my plans to travel and this upsets her. I spend, what I think is a ridiculous amount on rent. Heck, anything over $600 is ridiculous to me because I'm basically giving away money to someone for nothing, just the chance to borrow their space which they get to profit from.
I want to do service work and researched this online. Many companies offer you a volunteer placement but there is some cost involved. Some seem more expensive then others. Cost includes living expenses and food. The companies do make some money from it. I decided I'd rather find my own volunteer placement since I don't want to pay to volunteer.
For me, since I have been out of work and laid off 3 times in the past 4 years I have given up on finding a job. I never could find work this time of year so why waste it being miserable searching? I've learned this from EXPERIENCE. My parents think I should keep trying but it's fruitless. I really truly believe in my heart and mind that I will not find a job this time of year. Maybe when I return in April, I will have better luck in finding something part-time. For me I just feel it would be pointless. My parents have no clue what it's like.
I really think I'll be lucky if I can buy a house at 40 at the way things are going for me. I know I am probably more negative because of my Seasonal Affective Disorder but I just don't know anyone who has been laid off as I have in such a short span. I would be lying if I said this was the last straw. I was only at my job for 5 months and they let people go. This has been too much to bear for me. I have been POOR for 4 years and only able to afford basic living expenses like food and rent.
My mother wants me to see a counsellor but they cost money. My doctor is in Hamilton and I have yet to find a new one because we have a doctor shortage in our country. And if I want to see a counsellor outside my doctor's office I probably will have to pay for it. Our medical system is a joke. I don't support our pharmaceutical approach to medical and yet I have no choice and if I want to use alternative medicine like the orthomolecular or a naturalpathic doctor, I have to pay for one out of my own pocket.
Our country is a joke. The way people organize our country is a joke. The way corporations can screw around its employees is a joke. Life is a joke but the joke is on people like me.
Saturday, February 04, 2012
Men!
Greetings all,
Yesterday someone subscribed to one of my You Tube pages. I was surprised to see that it was the guy from England whom I corresponded with a long time ago, whom I nicknamed The English Muffin.
I currently have a boyfriend (Old Man Winter) of over 5 months. Part of me still missed him and wished that he would send me an email and we could reconcile. Another part of me was trying so hard to forgot about him and wanted to move on.
I was so upset to see him subscribe because to me it meant he wants something from me. He either wants friendship or the pseudo relationship we had.
And I was pissed.
My current boyfriend treats me well. He cooks for me on occasion. He is good in bed. He picks me up at my place because I don't have a car. He walks me to my door. We talk pretty much every day.
The English Muffin. What has he done? He'd make up excuses he was too busy to always talk to me. Yes there was a 5 hour time difference and I could live with the fact that we'd not always get to talk but by the end we were just talking once or twice a week. What's the point of that? I was getting crumbs from him. He wanted me to visit him. Again. I had already went to see him and it was his time. He'd come up with a lame excuse but then I learned later on he went to Vancouver to visit his friend and a year ago started to work in Afghanistan.
Right, like I want that in my life.
I figured because a part of me pined for him, I'd be happy he was reaching out to me but all I feel is anger. He broke my heart and I just won't tolerate it. I don't trust him. He's going to have to do a heck lot more if he even gets the chance to be my friend.
I'm not here for his convenience. I'm not some toy that he can talk to when he's bored and needs a good laugh. We met on eharmony and I was looking for a meaningful, long term relationship. I don't know what he was looking for but I'm just not going to get involved.
I can't believe the nerve of someone, trying to reconcile after 2 years. Get lost I say! Too little, too late. I tried to work things out but all he could do was ignore me. Every time there was conflict, he'd ignore me for months. This was not healthy behaviour.
Relationships are 2 way streets and if you just don't want to do your part, then what's the point? I just won't be involved with someone who just doesn't reciprocate.
Yesterday someone subscribed to one of my You Tube pages. I was surprised to see that it was the guy from England whom I corresponded with a long time ago, whom I nicknamed The English Muffin.
I currently have a boyfriend (Old Man Winter) of over 5 months. Part of me still missed him and wished that he would send me an email and we could reconcile. Another part of me was trying so hard to forgot about him and wanted to move on.
I was so upset to see him subscribe because to me it meant he wants something from me. He either wants friendship or the pseudo relationship we had.
And I was pissed.
My current boyfriend treats me well. He cooks for me on occasion. He is good in bed. He picks me up at my place because I don't have a car. He walks me to my door. We talk pretty much every day.
The English Muffin. What has he done? He'd make up excuses he was too busy to always talk to me. Yes there was a 5 hour time difference and I could live with the fact that we'd not always get to talk but by the end we were just talking once or twice a week. What's the point of that? I was getting crumbs from him. He wanted me to visit him. Again. I had already went to see him and it was his time. He'd come up with a lame excuse but then I learned later on he went to Vancouver to visit his friend and a year ago started to work in Afghanistan.
Right, like I want that in my life.
I figured because a part of me pined for him, I'd be happy he was reaching out to me but all I feel is anger. He broke my heart and I just won't tolerate it. I don't trust him. He's going to have to do a heck lot more if he even gets the chance to be my friend.
I'm not here for his convenience. I'm not some toy that he can talk to when he's bored and needs a good laugh. We met on eharmony and I was looking for a meaningful, long term relationship. I don't know what he was looking for but I'm just not going to get involved.
I can't believe the nerve of someone, trying to reconcile after 2 years. Get lost I say! Too little, too late. I tried to work things out but all he could do was ignore me. Every time there was conflict, he'd ignore me for months. This was not healthy behaviour.
Relationships are 2 way streets and if you just don't want to do your part, then what's the point? I just won't be involved with someone who just doesn't reciprocate.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
An Update on my Seasonal Affective Disorder
Greetings all,
I've done a bit of experimenting with pills and what not. I have tried Valkee earlier in the season and didn't find it helped. I joined an email group and an online forum for SAD sufferers so that has been helpful.
I got a lux meter to measure the strength of my light box as someone recommended this. I bought one on ebay and there was a delay in the shipping but I received last week and tested out my light box. I never liked my light box and it actually was not testing up to what it was supposed to be. For a light box to be effective, you have to have it emit 10,000 lux. Mine was emitting this, at 5 inches. I sit 20" from it and this was as close as I could comfortably sit from it. I would use it at breakfast so if I had it any closer, it would not be comfortable. At 20" it only emits 4000 lux which means I would have to sit in front of it for an hour to be effective, which clearly is not good. I have stopped using it since I returned from my trip.
Someone else recommended an infrared ceramic heater and just sitting it front of it daily for 20 minutes. They recommended trying an infrared sauna to see if that boosts your mood. I tried infrared saunas years ago and was not sure if it helped my SAD but I did like how saunas help you detox. Years ago I did want a sauna for myself but all I found were wooden ones. I ended up looking at ebay and noticed they had portable saunas so I decided to buy one. I wanted to use it for detox purpose but we'll see if it helps with my SAD. Apparently the infrared produces tetrahydrobiopterin (BH4) which is used to make serotonin. I may need to use it daily or every other day but we'll see how it goes. If it doesn't help with the SAD I'll still enjoy it for the detox purpose.
I was using fish oil which I said made me feel good but that only seemed to last for a few days and then I went back to feeling sleepy and tired. I do think I will continue to take fish oil because I don't eat fish and I probably don't get all of my daily omega 3. I bought flax oil but then found out that while it is high in omega 3, not the DHA and EPA of fish oil but of the ALA type. ALA can convert to the other 2 types of omega 3 but it is not efficient about it. I still want to try some flax and see how I like it. I might switch to fish oil pills in the future.
I also take vitamin d but never noticed much. I've considered modifying my diet but I am set in my ways. My dad has diabetes so I think by the time I hit my 40s, I should cut back on sugar but I love chocolate!
I have been experimenting with the supplement 5htp, which is an amino acid that is a precursor to serotonin. I started to take it when I came back from my vacation and I bought pills that were 100mg. I took it just before bed and I had a hard time waking up at a normal time and would sleep until noon. For me this was not normal since normally I get up by 8.
I thought maybe I need to start at 50mg. After a week, I stopped taking them and then I noticed my sleepiness would return and I would begin to yawn during the day time hours. Many would say that this is common but not for me. And it was numerous yawning and feeling tired. In the spring and summer time, I would be fine in the day and not feel tired. I might feel a bit tired but with SAD, it's more tired and sleep doesn't remedy the situation. I think many people don't get how serious and difficult this is to have. It's chronic tiredness and less energy then the rest of the year. We've all felt tired but usually a good night's sleep does the trick. With SAD it is ongoing.
So I did noticed once I stopped 5htp that it was having an effect on me, but just with some negative side effects i.e. sleeping in. I decided to cut back to 50mg and I still had trouble getting out of bed but not as bad. I decided to take it earlier in the day so that was better for me.
I am glad that 5htp has had a positive effect on my system. Nothing more frustrating then feeling tired for half the year. I will be seeing my doctor next week and tell her what I am doing. I also read that you can slowly increase your dosage. Not sure if I really need to but I guess I can take the full 100mg since my system seems to have adjusted to it.
I've done a bit of experimenting with pills and what not. I have tried Valkee earlier in the season and didn't find it helped. I joined an email group and an online forum for SAD sufferers so that has been helpful.
I got a lux meter to measure the strength of my light box as someone recommended this. I bought one on ebay and there was a delay in the shipping but I received last week and tested out my light box. I never liked my light box and it actually was not testing up to what it was supposed to be. For a light box to be effective, you have to have it emit 10,000 lux. Mine was emitting this, at 5 inches. I sit 20" from it and this was as close as I could comfortably sit from it. I would use it at breakfast so if I had it any closer, it would not be comfortable. At 20" it only emits 4000 lux which means I would have to sit in front of it for an hour to be effective, which clearly is not good. I have stopped using it since I returned from my trip.
Someone else recommended an infrared ceramic heater and just sitting it front of it daily for 20 minutes. They recommended trying an infrared sauna to see if that boosts your mood. I tried infrared saunas years ago and was not sure if it helped my SAD but I did like how saunas help you detox. Years ago I did want a sauna for myself but all I found were wooden ones. I ended up looking at ebay and noticed they had portable saunas so I decided to buy one. I wanted to use it for detox purpose but we'll see if it helps with my SAD. Apparently the infrared produces tetrahydrobiopterin (BH4) which is used to make serotonin. I may need to use it daily or every other day but we'll see how it goes. If it doesn't help with the SAD I'll still enjoy it for the detox purpose.
I was using fish oil which I said made me feel good but that only seemed to last for a few days and then I went back to feeling sleepy and tired. I do think I will continue to take fish oil because I don't eat fish and I probably don't get all of my daily omega 3. I bought flax oil but then found out that while it is high in omega 3, not the DHA and EPA of fish oil but of the ALA type. ALA can convert to the other 2 types of omega 3 but it is not efficient about it. I still want to try some flax and see how I like it. I might switch to fish oil pills in the future.
I also take vitamin d but never noticed much. I've considered modifying my diet but I am set in my ways. My dad has diabetes so I think by the time I hit my 40s, I should cut back on sugar but I love chocolate!
I have been experimenting with the supplement 5htp, which is an amino acid that is a precursor to serotonin. I started to take it when I came back from my vacation and I bought pills that were 100mg. I took it just before bed and I had a hard time waking up at a normal time and would sleep until noon. For me this was not normal since normally I get up by 8.
I thought maybe I need to start at 50mg. After a week, I stopped taking them and then I noticed my sleepiness would return and I would begin to yawn during the day time hours. Many would say that this is common but not for me. And it was numerous yawning and feeling tired. In the spring and summer time, I would be fine in the day and not feel tired. I might feel a bit tired but with SAD, it's more tired and sleep doesn't remedy the situation. I think many people don't get how serious and difficult this is to have. It's chronic tiredness and less energy then the rest of the year. We've all felt tired but usually a good night's sleep does the trick. With SAD it is ongoing.
So I did noticed once I stopped 5htp that it was having an effect on me, but just with some negative side effects i.e. sleeping in. I decided to cut back to 50mg and I still had trouble getting out of bed but not as bad. I decided to take it earlier in the day so that was better for me.
I am glad that 5htp has had a positive effect on my system. Nothing more frustrating then feeling tired for half the year. I will be seeing my doctor next week and tell her what I am doing. I also read that you can slowly increase your dosage. Not sure if I really need to but I guess I can take the full 100mg since my system seems to have adjusted to it.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Hello 2012!
Greetings all,
I think for me the highlight of 2011 was getting rid of my gumball machine business in the fall. It wasn't that I got a job (that ended up terminating at the end of the year) or that I went to Mexico and got my Open Water SCUBA certificate and saw some Mayan Ruins or that I have been dating a man for the past 4 months. I've had this part time business since 2003 and hated the business right away but I stuck it out for years and for probably the past 5 years I've been wanting to sell them and get rid of them.
Getting rid of them and closing this business was the highlight because it was such a burden to be in charge of this business. It wasn't hard to do. It was just a burden mentally because I didn't get out of it what I thought I would and it was hard to get out of it. I couldn't just quit owning these machines because I had them in location and it took effort to find locations and just get started.
I think my dad likes to think I never should have done this but I feel that I learned something from this. I think it helped give me some sense that starting a business requires.
I definitely think I am one of these people that just likes to get things done. I don't want to spend too much time analyzing. I think I learned that the people selling me the machines, obviously want to paint their product in the best light. I didn't make as much money as they said the machines would make but maybe I needed to spend more money in finding the best locations. (I used a locator to find them for me).
I don't think I'd do something like this again but I did think I learned from it so to me it wasn't a wasted venture.
I feel lighter and it's less unwanted baggage. I think once I finish my income tax for last year and finish up with my bookkeeping for the gumballs, that will be the final nail on the coffin.
I think for me the highlight of 2011 was getting rid of my gumball machine business in the fall. It wasn't that I got a job (that ended up terminating at the end of the year) or that I went to Mexico and got my Open Water SCUBA certificate and saw some Mayan Ruins or that I have been dating a man for the past 4 months. I've had this part time business since 2003 and hated the business right away but I stuck it out for years and for probably the past 5 years I've been wanting to sell them and get rid of them.
Getting rid of them and closing this business was the highlight because it was such a burden to be in charge of this business. It wasn't hard to do. It was just a burden mentally because I didn't get out of it what I thought I would and it was hard to get out of it. I couldn't just quit owning these machines because I had them in location and it took effort to find locations and just get started.
I think my dad likes to think I never should have done this but I feel that I learned something from this. I think it helped give me some sense that starting a business requires.
I definitely think I am one of these people that just likes to get things done. I don't want to spend too much time analyzing. I think I learned that the people selling me the machines, obviously want to paint their product in the best light. I didn't make as much money as they said the machines would make but maybe I needed to spend more money in finding the best locations. (I used a locator to find them for me).
I don't think I'd do something like this again but I did think I learned from it so to me it wasn't a wasted venture.
I feel lighter and it's less unwanted baggage. I think once I finish my income tax for last year and finish up with my bookkeeping for the gumballs, that will be the final nail on the coffin.
Down Sized
Greetings all,
Some of us - 3 to be exact - at work were notified back in December that we were being let go and unfortunately I was one of them. This is the 3rd time in 4 years I have been let go from a job because of being downsized. I wasn't happy at first and probably am still not but I've learned to not react and move on. My birthday is this Friday and so this will be my 3rd birthday in 4 years where I have no job. I just don't know anyone that has been laid off as much as me. I seem to have the worst job karma out there it seems!
I actually had booked a vacation to Mexico and they notified us the week before I was going so I didn't appreciate that. I really needed to go on a real vacation so I am glad I went and booked things.
I started updating my Resume so tomorrow I will job hunt. I had planned to go to school part time and I think I will stay with that. I might go full time in the fall.
I was planning to take economics and some math courses but I need to retake calculus so I will have to take some night classes for adults.
I hope 2012 things get better for me. Financially things have been bad for me these past 4 years but I make the best of things.
Some of us - 3 to be exact - at work were notified back in December that we were being let go and unfortunately I was one of them. This is the 3rd time in 4 years I have been let go from a job because of being downsized. I wasn't happy at first and probably am still not but I've learned to not react and move on. My birthday is this Friday and so this will be my 3rd birthday in 4 years where I have no job. I just don't know anyone that has been laid off as much as me. I seem to have the worst job karma out there it seems!
I actually had booked a vacation to Mexico and they notified us the week before I was going so I didn't appreciate that. I really needed to go on a real vacation so I am glad I went and booked things.
I started updating my Resume so tomorrow I will job hunt. I had planned to go to school part time and I think I will stay with that. I might go full time in the fall.
I was planning to take economics and some math courses but I need to retake calculus so I will have to take some night classes for adults.
I hope 2012 things get better for me. Financially things have been bad for me these past 4 years but I make the best of things.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Tax Refund Spam
Greetings all,
I regularly get spam like everyone else. I have a gmail account so pretty much all spam goes into its own folder which I don't have to deal with. I do review them when deleting them to make sure some legitimate emails do not get put in the wrong folder.
Today I got an email from someone who claimed they were from the Canada Revenue Agency, the taxman for Canadians. It claimed I had a form to fill out so I could get my refund of fifty some odd dollars. I knew it was a scam but filled out the form for fun. Please see below for my response.
To learn more about these scams visit the following links:
http://www.itworldcanada.com/news/canadians-duped-by-tax-refund-scam/108709
http://www.hoax-slayer.com/canadian-tax-refund-scam-emails.shtml
It's pretty sad that there are people out there that try to screw over people and do so with intent.
I regularly get spam like everyone else. I have a gmail account so pretty much all spam goes into its own folder which I don't have to deal with. I do review them when deleting them to make sure some legitimate emails do not get put in the wrong folder.
Today I got an email from someone who claimed they were from the Canada Revenue Agency, the taxman for Canadians. It claimed I had a form to fill out so I could get my refund of fifty some odd dollars. I knew it was a scam but filled out the form for fun. Please see below for my response.
To learn more about these scams visit the following links:
http://www.itworldcanada.com/news/canadians-duped-by-tax-refund-scam/108709
http://www.hoax-slayer.com/canadian-tax-refund-scam-emails.shtml
It's pretty sad that there are people out there that try to screw over people and do so with intent.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
The Direction Whisperer
Greetings all,
I have decided to name myself The Direction Whisperer among my other names such as Meandering Falls, Dances with Ikea Furniture and my favourite Your Royal Awesomeness.
Now there is a reason for why I have chosen to name myself as such.
I have encountered many times in Toronto where people ask me for directions. For whatever reason, people like to approach me and ask for directions. I happen to be good at it since I am geographically inclined and I always keep a compass on me so I always know where magnetic North is. I, by the way, am not a native Torontonian as I am a long time Hamiltonian.
Back in October of this year I had noticed more and more people were coming up to me asking for directions when I would go outside for my breaks at work. I tend to walk around my area as I need to get away from my computer and get somewhat fresher air and exercise. I work in the University and Dundas area.
I would have someone asking me where the Embassy was. I didn't know but I asked for the address and said it was across the street and he found the place.
One week I had up to 4 people asking me for directions. I was walking down to my office and was part of a large crowd of people who just got off the subway and one woman comes from behind me and asks if she was going the right way and I asked for the address and told her where. Another time that week I was just browsing through a store, eating an apple. The clerk didn't want me to dirty clothes so she offered me a tissue. I declined and ended up leaving because I could tell she was paranoid that I'd ruin the clothes, even though I was very careful. I walked around the block and some woman came from a building and asked me which way was Dundas and I pointed to the street and kept on enjoying my apple. If I didn't leave that store at the moment that I did, I never would have been able to give directions to that woman. I am just in tune with those who are lost and directionally challenged and in need of direction.
Even when I didn't know where the place the person was looking for, I happened to be with someone who knew. I was with a co-worker and one day we were going the Market that occurs at City Hall. This person needed to see some doctor on a street I never heard of but my co-worker knew. I was just the conduit that day.
I just decided to simply name myself The Direction Whisperer. I guide the lost and directionally challenged in Toronto and ensure they get to their destination. I humbly embrace my new calling.
I have decided to name myself The Direction Whisperer among my other names such as Meandering Falls, Dances with Ikea Furniture and my favourite Your Royal Awesomeness.
Now there is a reason for why I have chosen to name myself as such.
I have encountered many times in Toronto where people ask me for directions. For whatever reason, people like to approach me and ask for directions. I happen to be good at it since I am geographically inclined and I always keep a compass on me so I always know where magnetic North is. I, by the way, am not a native Torontonian as I am a long time Hamiltonian.
Back in October of this year I had noticed more and more people were coming up to me asking for directions when I would go outside for my breaks at work. I tend to walk around my area as I need to get away from my computer and get somewhat fresher air and exercise. I work in the University and Dundas area.
I would have someone asking me where the Embassy was. I didn't know but I asked for the address and said it was across the street and he found the place.
One week I had up to 4 people asking me for directions. I was walking down to my office and was part of a large crowd of people who just got off the subway and one woman comes from behind me and asks if she was going the right way and I asked for the address and told her where. Another time that week I was just browsing through a store, eating an apple. The clerk didn't want me to dirty clothes so she offered me a tissue. I declined and ended up leaving because I could tell she was paranoid that I'd ruin the clothes, even though I was very careful. I walked around the block and some woman came from a building and asked me which way was Dundas and I pointed to the street and kept on enjoying my apple. If I didn't leave that store at the moment that I did, I never would have been able to give directions to that woman. I am just in tune with those who are lost and directionally challenged and in need of direction.
Even when I didn't know where the place the person was looking for, I happened to be with someone who knew. I was with a co-worker and one day we were going the Market that occurs at City Hall. This person needed to see some doctor on a street I never heard of but my co-worker knew. I was just the conduit that day.
I just decided to simply name myself The Direction Whisperer. I guide the lost and directionally challenged in Toronto and ensure they get to their destination. I humbly embrace my new calling.
Sunday, November 06, 2011
Stop Online Spying
Please sign the epetition to stop Online Spying.
The government is trying to push through an anti-Internet set of electronic surveillance laws that will invade your privacy and cost you money. These bills will force every big Internet provider to monitor, record and surrender our personal information to "authorities" without a warrant.
If these bills pass a range of "authorities" will have the ability to invade the private lives of law-abiding Canadians and our families using wired Internet and mobile devices, and the cost of those millions of dollars of spying technology will be passed down to YOU.
This bizarre legislation will create Internet surveillance that is:
Warrantless: A range of "authorities" will have the ability to invade the private lives of law-abiding Canadians and our families using wired Internet and mobile devices, without justification.
Invasive: The laws leave our personal and financial information less secure and more susceptible to cybercrime.
Costly: Internet services providers may be forced to install millions of dollars worth of spying technology and the cost will be passed down to YOU.
If enough of us speak out now the government will have no choice but to stop this mandatory online spying scheme.
If enough of us speak out now the Government will have no choice but to stop this mandatory online spying scheme. Sign the Stop Online Spying petition now.
The government is trying to push through an anti-Internet set of electronic surveillance laws that will invade your privacy and cost you money. These bills will force every big Internet provider to monitor, record and surrender our personal information to "authorities" without a warrant.
If these bills pass a range of "authorities" will have the ability to invade the private lives of law-abiding Canadians and our families using wired Internet and mobile devices, and the cost of those millions of dollars of spying technology will be passed down to YOU.
This bizarre legislation will create Internet surveillance that is:
Warrantless: A range of "authorities" will have the ability to invade the private lives of law-abiding Canadians and our families using wired Internet and mobile devices, without justification.
Invasive: The laws leave our personal and financial information less secure and more susceptible to cybercrime.
Costly: Internet services providers may be forced to install millions of dollars worth of spying technology and the cost will be passed down to YOU.
If enough of us speak out now the government will have no choice but to stop this mandatory online spying scheme.
If enough of us speak out now the Government will have no choice but to stop this mandatory online spying scheme. Sign the Stop Online Spying petition now.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Goodbye Gumballs!
Greetings all,
I have written a few times about a gumball machine business I owned and that last year I had begun the steps to close it down.
Well this week I officially have put this beast to rest and all I have to do is just put together my final book keeping for income tax purposes for next year.
Last year in August I managed to take out all the machines in Hamilton. I had a few in Burlington and for some reason I thought it was best to find a job and then I can finish with getting the machines out in Burlington.
I got them out a few weekends ago and I thought I should have done this when I had more free time, when I was out of work. It took 2 weekends to sort out everything because I began disassembling the gumball machines the first weekend. I had my parents and brother empty out the sand in the stands as I put sand in them to give it weight. I initially emptied one stand but found it difficult. The sand was damp so my dad thought it would be best to let it air dry so I think it made it easier for my family to empty them.
The following weekend I got the other machines in Burlington out. Altogether I had 17 machines, which means I had 8 missing over the years that I didn't replace since I was no longer interested in the business. I found out that one of the machines I placed in a mechanic shop in Burlington wasn't there so that was annoying. I just don't know why people don't notify you of these things.
I had my mother take the metal portions of the gumball machines to a metal scrap company and I got $47 out of it. I was hoping to scrap my plastic parts and get some money out of it. The globe was made of polycarbonate and the stand was made of polyethelene. I had my mom contact a few places in Hamilton but only one was in business and they don't give money. I called a couple of places in my area and one place said that they only accept plastic at the minimum of 10,000 lbs. My stands weighed 9.3 lbs so the weight in total would be well under 200lb and not accepted.
We decided the best option was to go with the company in Hamilton to dump the scrap. Unfortunately my parent's useless Cadillac would have to make 3 trips to get all the globes and stands out so they got them to pick up the plastic for $15.
I was upset about this because I wanted some money out of the plastic. Maybe I could have called a few more plastic companies but I figure they are all the same.
I was sad about how things turned out. I had a dream that night that a woman was going to start her own gumball machine business and I was giving her advice. I told her it's important to have passion for what you do. I told her that some locations do better then others so if you have one in a poor location, to relocate it and you do better if you were the type of person who didn't mind making cold calls. I had someone find me locations but that cost money. If I were more extroverted, I probably would have made calls but I had alot of fear and lack of skill in this area.
* * *
I also had to put an end to another business endeavor which didn't end favourably for me which I wrote about years ago. In that post I briefly discussed how I purchased those point-of-sale machines back in 2003. The company became public and the monthly money I was getting got converted into shares. I had noticed some time ago that their stock was no longer viewable on the TSX and so I eventually found out that their company was private and that I was forced to cash in my shares. I have to look into this because I didn't know that a public company can become private. I went yesterday to fill out the forms to claim my shares. I won't get much money back. I did all the right things and this was a business that went well until they became public. It's hard to not get upset about the loss. My attempts to improve my life financially didn't seem to go in my favour.
I decided that I'll put whatever money that comes to me from that company into my RSP so that I can use it for a down payment for a house as I have learned that first time home owners can take out money and pay it back in 15 years with no interest.
* * *
I don't know if I'm over these failed business endeavors. I do know that I need to move on and learn from these experiences and hopefully prosper and make better decisions.
I have written a few times about a gumball machine business I owned and that last year I had begun the steps to close it down.
Well this week I officially have put this beast to rest and all I have to do is just put together my final book keeping for income tax purposes for next year.
Last year in August I managed to take out all the machines in Hamilton. I had a few in Burlington and for some reason I thought it was best to find a job and then I can finish with getting the machines out in Burlington.
I got them out a few weekends ago and I thought I should have done this when I had more free time, when I was out of work. It took 2 weekends to sort out everything because I began disassembling the gumball machines the first weekend. I had my parents and brother empty out the sand in the stands as I put sand in them to give it weight. I initially emptied one stand but found it difficult. The sand was damp so my dad thought it would be best to let it air dry so I think it made it easier for my family to empty them.
The following weekend I got the other machines in Burlington out. Altogether I had 17 machines, which means I had 8 missing over the years that I didn't replace since I was no longer interested in the business. I found out that one of the machines I placed in a mechanic shop in Burlington wasn't there so that was annoying. I just don't know why people don't notify you of these things.
I had my mother take the metal portions of the gumball machines to a metal scrap company and I got $47 out of it. I was hoping to scrap my plastic parts and get some money out of it. The globe was made of polycarbonate and the stand was made of polyethelene. I had my mom contact a few places in Hamilton but only one was in business and they don't give money. I called a couple of places in my area and one place said that they only accept plastic at the minimum of 10,000 lbs. My stands weighed 9.3 lbs so the weight in total would be well under 200lb and not accepted.
We decided the best option was to go with the company in Hamilton to dump the scrap. Unfortunately my parent's useless Cadillac would have to make 3 trips to get all the globes and stands out so they got them to pick up the plastic for $15.
I was upset about this because I wanted some money out of the plastic. Maybe I could have called a few more plastic companies but I figure they are all the same.
I was sad about how things turned out. I had a dream that night that a woman was going to start her own gumball machine business and I was giving her advice. I told her it's important to have passion for what you do. I told her that some locations do better then others so if you have one in a poor location, to relocate it and you do better if you were the type of person who didn't mind making cold calls. I had someone find me locations but that cost money. If I were more extroverted, I probably would have made calls but I had alot of fear and lack of skill in this area.
I also had to put an end to another business endeavor which didn't end favourably for me which I wrote about years ago. In that post I briefly discussed how I purchased those point-of-sale machines back in 2003. The company became public and the monthly money I was getting got converted into shares. I had noticed some time ago that their stock was no longer viewable on the TSX and so I eventually found out that their company was private and that I was forced to cash in my shares. I have to look into this because I didn't know that a public company can become private. I went yesterday to fill out the forms to claim my shares. I won't get much money back. I did all the right things and this was a business that went well until they became public. It's hard to not get upset about the loss. My attempts to improve my life financially didn't seem to go in my favour.
I decided that I'll put whatever money that comes to me from that company into my RSP so that I can use it for a down payment for a house as I have learned that first time home owners can take out money and pay it back in 15 years with no interest.
I don't know if I'm over these failed business endeavors. I do know that I need to move on and learn from these experiences and hopefully prosper and make better decisions.
Time to Say Good Bye!
Greetings all,
I have been mulling this over in my mind for a while now. I have not been doing stand up comedy very often these past few months, mainly because this year I was stressed about not having work and focusing on that. Once I found a job, I wasn't really doing much shows.
I decided officially it's time to say goodbye to stand up and to improv. I have met many interesting and funny people but I just don't think I have what it takes to become professional, which was something I was hoping for.
A few years ago I kept seeing myself on stage, alone and it took me months before I found the courage to try stand up again. I did stand up at my high school talent show and had a hard time with it, even though I did well. I began doing improv and loved it and it helped me to gain confidence as a performer.
For whatever reason, I just feel like I just don't have what it takes. I realize it takes dedication to become at the level I had envisioned myself at and frankly I just don't think I have that dedication. I don't know if I ever will. I thought comedy was a lover I was devoted to but my experience has made me think otherwise. I am very dedicated to my kundalini yoga and meditation practice so I know I have a capacity for commitment and discipline but right now I cannot devote that attention to it as it was quite hard for me. Some days it's hard and I just think it's time to move on. Maybe in a few years time I'll want to try it again but I have lost all motivation to perform and I'm okay with that.
I have always felt conflicted as a stand up person mainly because improv is my background. I liked being spontaneous in improv but liked that in stand up I could express my own ideas and opinions. Stand up obviously requires good writing skills and an ability to stick to some routine, which for me was hard. I could not reconcile within myself these two components of my personality that I have - the spontaneous performer versus the writing stand up performer. Improv gaves me a certain satisfaction that stand up doesn't provide and vice versa, mainly because they are different forms.
I do believe that if something were meant to happen it will and right now my motivation is not there and I'm okay with that. I have other things that I want to focus my attention on. Comedy, whether through improv, humour columns or stand up has always been a part of my life. It will be sad to not have this in my life but that's how it goes.
Stand up seems very individual driven and I do like that to some degree as that's why I wanted to go back to it after many years of improv experience. It also seems like a hostile environment for women, although there has been a movement towards having more women involved as I took a few workshops just for female performers.
I think I as well had challenges connecting with my audience and rejection is difficult to accept on a regular basis. I don't think I was unfunny but at times I felt like people just didn't get it. I guess this is what doing open mics can do to you because the occasional shows that I did that had a more positive audience and not filled with other comics I felt good about.
Maybe I am an open mic burnout or just had enough of stand up? Who knows but I am done with it in my mind and we'll see if I ever feel drawn to perform again. I do tend to follow my intuition so maybe this is a blessing for me and to take a step back and refocus my priorities.
I have been mulling this over in my mind for a while now. I have not been doing stand up comedy very often these past few months, mainly because this year I was stressed about not having work and focusing on that. Once I found a job, I wasn't really doing much shows.
I decided officially it's time to say goodbye to stand up and to improv. I have met many interesting and funny people but I just don't think I have what it takes to become professional, which was something I was hoping for.
A few years ago I kept seeing myself on stage, alone and it took me months before I found the courage to try stand up again. I did stand up at my high school talent show and had a hard time with it, even though I did well. I began doing improv and loved it and it helped me to gain confidence as a performer.
For whatever reason, I just feel like I just don't have what it takes. I realize it takes dedication to become at the level I had envisioned myself at and frankly I just don't think I have that dedication. I don't know if I ever will. I thought comedy was a lover I was devoted to but my experience has made me think otherwise. I am very dedicated to my kundalini yoga and meditation practice so I know I have a capacity for commitment and discipline but right now I cannot devote that attention to it as it was quite hard for me. Some days it's hard and I just think it's time to move on. Maybe in a few years time I'll want to try it again but I have lost all motivation to perform and I'm okay with that.
I have always felt conflicted as a stand up person mainly because improv is my background. I liked being spontaneous in improv but liked that in stand up I could express my own ideas and opinions. Stand up obviously requires good writing skills and an ability to stick to some routine, which for me was hard. I could not reconcile within myself these two components of my personality that I have - the spontaneous performer versus the writing stand up performer. Improv gaves me a certain satisfaction that stand up doesn't provide and vice versa, mainly because they are different forms.
I do believe that if something were meant to happen it will and right now my motivation is not there and I'm okay with that. I have other things that I want to focus my attention on. Comedy, whether through improv, humour columns or stand up has always been a part of my life. It will be sad to not have this in my life but that's how it goes.
Stand up seems very individual driven and I do like that to some degree as that's why I wanted to go back to it after many years of improv experience. It also seems like a hostile environment for women, although there has been a movement towards having more women involved as I took a few workshops just for female performers.
I think I as well had challenges connecting with my audience and rejection is difficult to accept on a regular basis. I don't think I was unfunny but at times I felt like people just didn't get it. I guess this is what doing open mics can do to you because the occasional shows that I did that had a more positive audience and not filled with other comics I felt good about.
Maybe I am an open mic burnout or just had enough of stand up? Who knows but I am done with it in my mind and we'll see if I ever feel drawn to perform again. I do tend to follow my intuition so maybe this is a blessing for me and to take a step back and refocus my priorities.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Winter Time
Greetings all,
I decided to email Old Man Winter last week because I was missing him and seriously wondering if I was being too premature in dumping him. We talked on the phone for a while on Thursday and then went out for dinner on Friday. It looks like we are back together. He does have some traits that I don't particularly care for but at this point it is tolerable. I am not sure where this will go but I will give him a chance and see what happens. I normally don't like to take someone back because people who are on again/off again are annoying.
I've asked myself if I'm just missing him because I miss sex but I don't think so. We spent a significant time not having sex and so I think I actually enjoy his presence and company.
I know I've expressed doubts about this and perhaps it won't work out but I think I have to give this a try and see where it goes.
I decided to email Old Man Winter last week because I was missing him and seriously wondering if I was being too premature in dumping him. We talked on the phone for a while on Thursday and then went out for dinner on Friday. It looks like we are back together. He does have some traits that I don't particularly care for but at this point it is tolerable. I am not sure where this will go but I will give him a chance and see what happens. I normally don't like to take someone back because people who are on again/off again are annoying.
I've asked myself if I'm just missing him because I miss sex but I don't think so. We spent a significant time not having sex and so I think I actually enjoy his presence and company.
I know I've expressed doubts about this and perhaps it won't work out but I think I have to give this a try and see where it goes.
Seasonal Affective Disorder
Greetings all,
After reading about Seasonal Affective Disorder on Wikipedia and talking to a friend who has tried fish oil that contains omega 3, I decided that I would try Fish oil that contains omega 3. The reason being is that I have Seasonal Affective Disorder and according to Wiki:
Winter depression is a common slump in the mood of some inhabitants of most of the Nordic countries. It was first described by the 6th century Goth scholar Jordanes in his Getica wherein he described the inhabitants of Scandza (Scandinavia). Iceland, however, seems to be an exception. A study of more than 2000 people there found the prevalence of seasonal affective disorder and seasonal changes in anxiety and depression to be unexpectedly low in both sexes. The study's authors suggested that propensity for SAD may differ due to some genetic factor within the Icelandic population. A study of Canadians of wholly Icelandic descent also showed low levels of SAD. It has more recently been suggested that this may be attributed to the large amount of fish traditionally eaten by Icelandic people, in 2007 about 90 kilograms per person per year as opposed to about 24 kg in the US and Canada, rather than to genetic predisposition; a similar anomaly is noted in Japan, where annual fish consumption in recent years averages about 60 kg per capita. Fish are high in vitamin D. Fish also contain docosahexaenoic acid (DHA), which has been shown to help with a variety of neurological dysfunctions
I've tried various things with little luck. I've taken Vitamin D, I've exercised and I've used a light box. I would still feel tired and my energy low. I didn't have my liveliness either. Considering that I don't eat fish at all as I am a fussy eater. The only fish I eat is a tuna and anchovy spread my mom makes that you use on crackers. And that I eat sporadically. I thought I'd try some fish oil to see if there is any positive effect on my system.
I went to briefly see a Naturopath last week who said that a Homeopathic remedy would be used. I looked into that and found one online which I ordered. If it doesn't help me I will probably see the Naturopath to get one that is more taylored for me rather then a general formula.
I have been on the Fish oil since Thursday so in the 5 days I do feel better and I think this has improved my symptoms a lot.
I also have been using a product that I had shipped to where my parents were staying when they were in Italy as they don't ship to Canada. The product is called Valkee. It basically is like a light box but you put into your ears as it's been on the theory that your brain can receive light not just through the eyes (as that's how the light box delivers it) but also through the ears. I've been using it for about a month now. It helps a bit but is still not enough. It helps me yawn less but it didn't help with my energy levels. It's certainly better to use then a light box as I hated having to sit in front of the light box for 30 minutes in the morning. I use it for 6 minutes twice a day.
The fish oil I have contains 800mg of EPA and 500mg of DHA so I am taking a very potent amount. I have Vitamin D that has some EPA and DHA, 42 and 50 respectively but that is not enough. We'll see how I feel by the end of the week and I'll see how my energy levels are. I may stop using my Valkee maybe next week to see if the fish oil alone is enough. By next week I should get that homeopathic remedy.
I felt really bad last year by December 21. Having SAD has and is a horrible experience. My energy levels were so low and there is a feeling of heaviness and mild depression. I would motivate myself to do things but they just seemed so much more difficult because of this problem and that in and of itself just made me feel bad because it would drag me down more. Two years ago my symptoms appeared by mid October and last until March. Last year and this year it started in mid September. It lasted until April I think and it seems like it has gotten worse.
I've had this problem for 6 years now. I had went to see my doctor 2 years ago about this problem initially and then again last year. She had me take a sleep study test and I had spoken to a counsellor who said I had mild depression. The doctor also tested my thyroid and vitamin D levels and for the most part I was normal. I knew I had SAD but they had to rule out this things.
I didn't want to be on anti depression meds because I was thinking there has to be a better way. So I'll see how the rest of the week pans out for me with the use of the fish oil. The fish oil I think has helped a lot.
After reading about Seasonal Affective Disorder on Wikipedia and talking to a friend who has tried fish oil that contains omega 3, I decided that I would try Fish oil that contains omega 3. The reason being is that I have Seasonal Affective Disorder and according to Wiki:
Winter depression is a common slump in the mood of some inhabitants of most of the Nordic countries. It was first described by the 6th century Goth scholar Jordanes in his Getica wherein he described the inhabitants of Scandza (Scandinavia). Iceland, however, seems to be an exception. A study of more than 2000 people there found the prevalence of seasonal affective disorder and seasonal changes in anxiety and depression to be unexpectedly low in both sexes. The study's authors suggested that propensity for SAD may differ due to some genetic factor within the Icelandic population. A study of Canadians of wholly Icelandic descent also showed low levels of SAD. It has more recently been suggested that this may be attributed to the large amount of fish traditionally eaten by Icelandic people, in 2007 about 90 kilograms per person per year as opposed to about 24 kg in the US and Canada, rather than to genetic predisposition; a similar anomaly is noted in Japan, where annual fish consumption in recent years averages about 60 kg per capita. Fish are high in vitamin D. Fish also contain docosahexaenoic acid (DHA), which has been shown to help with a variety of neurological dysfunctions
I've tried various things with little luck. I've taken Vitamin D, I've exercised and I've used a light box. I would still feel tired and my energy low. I didn't have my liveliness either. Considering that I don't eat fish at all as I am a fussy eater. The only fish I eat is a tuna and anchovy spread my mom makes that you use on crackers. And that I eat sporadically. I thought I'd try some fish oil to see if there is any positive effect on my system.
I went to briefly see a Naturopath last week who said that a Homeopathic remedy would be used. I looked into that and found one online which I ordered. If it doesn't help me I will probably see the Naturopath to get one that is more taylored for me rather then a general formula.
I have been on the Fish oil since Thursday so in the 5 days I do feel better and I think this has improved my symptoms a lot.
I also have been using a product that I had shipped to where my parents were staying when they were in Italy as they don't ship to Canada. The product is called Valkee. It basically is like a light box but you put into your ears as it's been on the theory that your brain can receive light not just through the eyes (as that's how the light box delivers it) but also through the ears. I've been using it for about a month now. It helps a bit but is still not enough. It helps me yawn less but it didn't help with my energy levels. It's certainly better to use then a light box as I hated having to sit in front of the light box for 30 minutes in the morning. I use it for 6 minutes twice a day.
The fish oil I have contains 800mg of EPA and 500mg of DHA so I am taking a very potent amount. I have Vitamin D that has some EPA and DHA, 42 and 50 respectively but that is not enough. We'll see how I feel by the end of the week and I'll see how my energy levels are. I may stop using my Valkee maybe next week to see if the fish oil alone is enough. By next week I should get that homeopathic remedy.
I felt really bad last year by December 21. Having SAD has and is a horrible experience. My energy levels were so low and there is a feeling of heaviness and mild depression. I would motivate myself to do things but they just seemed so much more difficult because of this problem and that in and of itself just made me feel bad because it would drag me down more. Two years ago my symptoms appeared by mid October and last until March. Last year and this year it started in mid September. It lasted until April I think and it seems like it has gotten worse.
I've had this problem for 6 years now. I had went to see my doctor 2 years ago about this problem initially and then again last year. She had me take a sleep study test and I had spoken to a counsellor who said I had mild depression. The doctor also tested my thyroid and vitamin D levels and for the most part I was normal. I knew I had SAD but they had to rule out this things.
I didn't want to be on anti depression meds because I was thinking there has to be a better way. So I'll see how the rest of the week pans out for me with the use of the fish oil. The fish oil I think has helped a lot.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Occupy Toronto!
Greetings all,
I decided to participate in the Occupy Toronto movement that is part of the Occupy Wall St. This was my first protest and it was interesting. My friend has been following this so that's how I learned about it. She actually went to New York to observe and film what was going on there.
A couple of us were there and when we started to march to the location from King and Bay, I ended up getting disoriented and lost my sense of direction. There was so many people and it was easy to lose track of where we were in the city. I didn't make a sign but I wanted to be there.
It was interesting to read what some newspapers have been saying about this movement. Many criticisms going on and I think it goes to show that they just don't get it.
I probably won't camp out since I have a job and really don't want to take time off work. I may camp on a weekend but it's a bit too cold and I think I can just visit. Camping is not really my thing.
I've always wanted to see some sort of movement and protesting going on in this country. Canadians seem so docile. We should be more like the French who protest all the time. For me it was interesting to be a part of something bigger where we all understand that something is wrong with the way things are in the world and we are at least expressing our dissatisfaction.
I don't know what this will lead to but it's interesting that it has spread across other countries. America has quite the influence but at the same time, something like this spreads because there is some sort of unsatisfaction and frustrated with the external world.
Many people came together for many different reasons. It appears Adbusters is the one who initiated this so it does make me a little suspicious of their motives. My friend seems to think the issue is really the banks. I think it's a bunch of things like the banks, the government and corporations. There was some anti rich sentiment but I don't think it necessarily means they are against people with money.
It will be interesting to see how things unfold. I'm on their Facebook group and you can see how hostile people can be towards each other. It's just a microcosm of the macrocosm as there will be people not agreeing and having different opinions.
I should hope some change comes to the world. I have done my inner work and I do wonder if people use this as a distraction from working on themself. It might feel better to make corporate greed a scapegoat. But then you can still be happy and just are genuinely opposed to their behaviour.
I can still hear reverberating in my body the words of the crowd "we are the 99%" and "we want justice".
I decided to participate in the Occupy Toronto movement that is part of the Occupy Wall St. This was my first protest and it was interesting. My friend has been following this so that's how I learned about it. She actually went to New York to observe and film what was going on there.
A couple of us were there and when we started to march to the location from King and Bay, I ended up getting disoriented and lost my sense of direction. There was so many people and it was easy to lose track of where we were in the city. I didn't make a sign but I wanted to be there.
It was interesting to read what some newspapers have been saying about this movement. Many criticisms going on and I think it goes to show that they just don't get it.
I probably won't camp out since I have a job and really don't want to take time off work. I may camp on a weekend but it's a bit too cold and I think I can just visit. Camping is not really my thing.
I've always wanted to see some sort of movement and protesting going on in this country. Canadians seem so docile. We should be more like the French who protest all the time. For me it was interesting to be a part of something bigger where we all understand that something is wrong with the way things are in the world and we are at least expressing our dissatisfaction.
I don't know what this will lead to but it's interesting that it has spread across other countries. America has quite the influence but at the same time, something like this spreads because there is some sort of unsatisfaction and frustrated with the external world.
Many people came together for many different reasons. It appears Adbusters is the one who initiated this so it does make me a little suspicious of their motives. My friend seems to think the issue is really the banks. I think it's a bunch of things like the banks, the government and corporations. There was some anti rich sentiment but I don't think it necessarily means they are against people with money.
It will be interesting to see how things unfold. I'm on their Facebook group and you can see how hostile people can be towards each other. It's just a microcosm of the macrocosm as there will be people not agreeing and having different opinions.
I should hope some change comes to the world. I have done my inner work and I do wonder if people use this as a distraction from working on themself. It might feel better to make corporate greed a scapegoat. But then you can still be happy and just are genuinely opposed to their behaviour.
I can still hear reverberating in my body the words of the crowd "we are the 99%" and "we want justice".
Sunday, October 09, 2011
Greetings all,
The other thing with Old Man Winter is that I didn't feel comfortable calling him my boyfriend. I would think after 2 months of dating, I should feel comfortable but for some reason, I just couldn't do it so it didn't make sense to keep dating.
Since we are in the same social circle, I saw him yesterday as our group went for a hike and we chatted about why I ended things. He seemed upset about it, which I'm not really used to seeing in a man. I told him the reasons and it just seemed like this week, he pissed me off with these minor annoyances.
Since I'm looking for something long term, I just don't see it going anywhere so why keep dating? I think he might have taken it a bit personally but for me I just think it was time to move on and yes I'll miss the good sex but I think I'm just looking for something long term.
I want to be with a man that I feel proud to declare he's my boyfriend and for whatever reason I just couldn't do it with him. I think that he and I both deserve better and it's really just a case of being mismatched and always best to not take it personally.
The other thing with Old Man Winter is that I didn't feel comfortable calling him my boyfriend. I would think after 2 months of dating, I should feel comfortable but for some reason, I just couldn't do it so it didn't make sense to keep dating.
Since we are in the same social circle, I saw him yesterday as our group went for a hike and we chatted about why I ended things. He seemed upset about it, which I'm not really used to seeing in a man. I told him the reasons and it just seemed like this week, he pissed me off with these minor annoyances.
Since I'm looking for something long term, I just don't see it going anywhere so why keep dating? I think he might have taken it a bit personally but for me I just think it was time to move on and yes I'll miss the good sex but I think I'm just looking for something long term.
I want to be with a man that I feel proud to declare he's my boyfriend and for whatever reason I just couldn't do it with him. I think that he and I both deserve better and it's really just a case of being mismatched and always best to not take it personally.
Saturday, October 08, 2011
Ciao Old Man
Greetings all,
I ended up ending things with Old Man Winter. We have been dating for 2 months. I had been wanting to go away to Vermont for Thanksgiving weekend, which is this weekend. He didn't tell me until Monday that he had his son for this weekend (He had him last weekend and normally gets him every other weekend) I was upset about this because I really wanted to get out of this country because I haven't been travelling with much, considering I was out of work again. I couldn't shake off the anger and disappointment I felt over this. Normallly I can move on with things but the fact that I couldn't get over it means it was probably time to move on.
There have been a couple of things going on that have bothered me and although I didn't plan to end things with him last night - I did.
I say 'I guess' a lot in conversation. Some of my friends don't like it but that's how I am. I'm not going to change for anyone. I try to accept people for who they are and don't try to change them so I especially don't like how he'd bring it up a lot. It was like he couldn't tell if I meant no or yes. Usually it means yes. The other night he was bugging me about in conversation and I snapped and said that if you want a cheerleader, go out and date one as that's not how I roll.
I'm part choleric and part melancholic. So I'm not always going to be upbeat about things all the time. I'm not always going to be filled with enthusiasm. If you can't accept me for how I am, I just don't care anymore.
The other thing I was thinking was that he should be well ahead of time of when he gets his son and he seems like he's on the fly with it sometimes. I would think that you should have your schedule worked out a few months in advance and if it's been agreed that holidays are treated differently, you should know well ahead of time when you get him. I like to plan things and I'm already thinking about early retirement so I can't be with someone who's a little flakey when it comes to being organized.
I did wonder if I made a mistake and was being too quick but sometimes these things just get worse instead of getting better and sometimes you just need to nip things in the bud.
I sometimes feel like I am destined for spinsterhood. I hope not. I want to start my own family soon.
I knew this going in but I was skeptical about dating a man with a child. I thought I'd give him a chance since I felt attracted to him for so long. I guess it's okay if things don't work out but I do hope to find someone. I am just not sure if I want to try dating again. I just get so frustrated with the process and it takes so much out of me, the rejection and disappointment. Why bother with love and its search? I can take care of myself.
I ended up ending things with Old Man Winter. We have been dating for 2 months. I had been wanting to go away to Vermont for Thanksgiving weekend, which is this weekend. He didn't tell me until Monday that he had his son for this weekend (He had him last weekend and normally gets him every other weekend) I was upset about this because I really wanted to get out of this country because I haven't been travelling with much, considering I was out of work again. I couldn't shake off the anger and disappointment I felt over this. Normallly I can move on with things but the fact that I couldn't get over it means it was probably time to move on.
There have been a couple of things going on that have bothered me and although I didn't plan to end things with him last night - I did.
I say 'I guess' a lot in conversation. Some of my friends don't like it but that's how I am. I'm not going to change for anyone. I try to accept people for who they are and don't try to change them so I especially don't like how he'd bring it up a lot. It was like he couldn't tell if I meant no or yes. Usually it means yes. The other night he was bugging me about in conversation and I snapped and said that if you want a cheerleader, go out and date one as that's not how I roll.
I'm part choleric and part melancholic. So I'm not always going to be upbeat about things all the time. I'm not always going to be filled with enthusiasm. If you can't accept me for how I am, I just don't care anymore.
The other thing I was thinking was that he should be well ahead of time of when he gets his son and he seems like he's on the fly with it sometimes. I would think that you should have your schedule worked out a few months in advance and if it's been agreed that holidays are treated differently, you should know well ahead of time when you get him. I like to plan things and I'm already thinking about early retirement so I can't be with someone who's a little flakey when it comes to being organized.
I did wonder if I made a mistake and was being too quick but sometimes these things just get worse instead of getting better and sometimes you just need to nip things in the bud.
I sometimes feel like I am destined for spinsterhood. I hope not. I want to start my own family soon.
I knew this going in but I was skeptical about dating a man with a child. I thought I'd give him a chance since I felt attracted to him for so long. I guess it's okay if things don't work out but I do hope to find someone. I am just not sure if I want to try dating again. I just get so frustrated with the process and it takes so much out of me, the rejection and disappointment. Why bother with love and its search? I can take care of myself.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Death and Meditation
Greetings all,
Lately during meditation, I have observed that I am feeling this fear of death. I almost feel panicky. I'm not sure if it's an ego death that I am feeling or more so the fear of the death of the physical body. Various thoughts come up about death and dying and it obviously freaks me out. Lately I've been experiencing more of these feelings but then they pass.
I'm not really at the point where I am fearless towards death because I don't know at this point if death is really the end. I know we all talk about how the spirit never dies but I think this is sort of what I am experiencing at times - the fear that this is it.
Obviously I need to keep at my practice and see where this takes me and work with confronting the fears about death that come up but I do wonder if others have experienced this same fear about death. I almost feel alone in this but I'm sure on some level, we all think about death and ignore our fears about it.
Lately during meditation, I have observed that I am feeling this fear of death. I almost feel panicky. I'm not sure if it's an ego death that I am feeling or more so the fear of the death of the physical body. Various thoughts come up about death and dying and it obviously freaks me out. Lately I've been experiencing more of these feelings but then they pass.
I'm not really at the point where I am fearless towards death because I don't know at this point if death is really the end. I know we all talk about how the spirit never dies but I think this is sort of what I am experiencing at times - the fear that this is it.
Obviously I need to keep at my practice and see where this takes me and work with confronting the fears about death that come up but I do wonder if others have experienced this same fear about death. I almost feel alone in this but I'm sure on some level, we all think about death and ignore our fears about it.
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