Greetings all,
One of things that keeps happening to me and that annoys me greatly is how people react when I tell them I do stand up comedy. I joined a site that has a bunch of different groups that you can attend various social events. So I am always meeting new people. When I meet new people, I usually am a bit reserved and do not open up right away.
Then when they ask about me and what I do, I tell them how I've been laid off and am working towards being a comedian. I don't know what people expect a comedian to be like when they first meet people but I am not going to joking around and fighting for attention. That's not my style of behaviour when meeting new people.
Then they do the classic 'are you going to use us as material?' line.
I don't understand why they would think that. Like I get my jokes from observations and situations I am in or witness. There might be an element I find in meeting someone but how that manifests into a joke or character I don't know yet.
Yes obviously the people I encounter are material but to what degree is the question. I think comedy is something that people should be able to relate to. It's not about me going on stage and complaining about people I meet. I am an artist and artists take whatever basic material is thrown at them in life (people they meet, situations they end up in, situations they observe) and transform it into something new.
So yes I may actually use you, but perhaps just an element of you. Whatever element I take, I amplify it, exaggerate it and make it bigger. At that point, it no longer is you, it is comedy.
Friday, October 24, 2008
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Yeah for Halloween!
Greetings all,
I bought myself a Halloween costume last night as I have 2 parties to go to. One this Saturday and one next Friday. The Friday one is important because there will be ... firefighters. So I knew I had to get myself a sexy costume so that I can successfully be hunted.
I bought myself my first adult costume. I normally just go as a witch as I have a hat that I bought years ago and wear a cape. I am going as Wonder Woman. I actually need to find myself golden rope or just paint some rope golden as my costume didn't come with it.
* * *
I was on a few dates with this one guy and I had to tell him that I wasn't feeling it and that we should be friends. He was clearly infatuated with me. We hung out a couple of times after I told him we could just be friends. We went a couple of weeks ago and he dropped me off and pulled the 'let me open the door for you from the inside while I sneak a kiss on your neck'. I certainly was not impressed because I made it clear that I was just wanting to stay friends. He was starting to creep me out because he was still interested in me. I am glad he hasn't called because I didn't want to tell him off.
I started thinking about infatuation and I think that it is impossible for a relationship to ever be successful if one person starts out being infatuated. I've had 3 guys be infatuated with me. One for a date. Another for a month and this guy as well.
I think there is a difference between chemistry and infatuation so I look more for chemistry. I find that when you are infatuated with someone, you don't even bother to get to know them because somewhere in your mind, they fit this ideal but there usually is no basis in reality.
When I think of all the guys that were infatuated with me, I do see that they hardly knew me or didn't make an effort to truly know me. They just had this picture of me that I triggered in them and caused them to fall for me.
I think from now on, I'll just not even bother with someone who is infatuated with me because they will never truly bother to get to know me. At least if there is chemistry, there is a chance.
I bought myself a Halloween costume last night as I have 2 parties to go to. One this Saturday and one next Friday. The Friday one is important because there will be ... firefighters. So I knew I had to get myself a sexy costume so that I can successfully be hunted.
I bought myself my first adult costume. I normally just go as a witch as I have a hat that I bought years ago and wear a cape. I am going as Wonder Woman. I actually need to find myself golden rope or just paint some rope golden as my costume didn't come with it.
I was on a few dates with this one guy and I had to tell him that I wasn't feeling it and that we should be friends. He was clearly infatuated with me. We hung out a couple of times after I told him we could just be friends. We went a couple of weeks ago and he dropped me off and pulled the 'let me open the door for you from the inside while I sneak a kiss on your neck'. I certainly was not impressed because I made it clear that I was just wanting to stay friends. He was starting to creep me out because he was still interested in me. I am glad he hasn't called because I didn't want to tell him off.
I started thinking about infatuation and I think that it is impossible for a relationship to ever be successful if one person starts out being infatuated. I've had 3 guys be infatuated with me. One for a date. Another for a month and this guy as well.
I think there is a difference between chemistry and infatuation so I look more for chemistry. I find that when you are infatuated with someone, you don't even bother to get to know them because somewhere in your mind, they fit this ideal but there usually is no basis in reality.
When I think of all the guys that were infatuated with me, I do see that they hardly knew me or didn't make an effort to truly know me. They just had this picture of me that I triggered in them and caused them to fall for me.
I think from now on, I'll just not even bother with someone who is infatuated with me because they will never truly bother to get to know me. At least if there is chemistry, there is a chance.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Roommate Woes
Greetings all,
My roommate has been aggravating me for the past few weeks - largely due to the fact that we now have 3 couches in our apartment. She told me she was going to be bringing a couch and I figured we'd move things around to make it fit. I didn't know that she actually meant 2 couches and I am pretty sure I did not hear the word couches come out of her mouth.
I threw out the idea earlier that I could put my couch in storage (this was when I thought one was coming in). Of course upon reflecting upon it, I realized it's not fair that I do that and it costs money - money which I don't really have to waste since I've been laid off.
My roommate seems bitter that I made this suggestion and not follow through on it because I guess she probably thought I was serious when I was just trying to be polite and helpful about the situation.
She had a party a few weeks ago and wanted the couches there for it. I ended up being sick and so stayed in my room. There is more drama that happened - largely due to the fact that she is a bit childish about certain things. And I will not discuss that.
Okay maybe I will. She still had music going on in 2.40 am and I politely asked her to lower it and she rudely answered that she's having a party. A few days later she tells me that I embarrassed her. Excuse me but you embarrassed me by being rude. We live in an apartment and the party was pretty much done. Sure there was a few people left but it was done and we do have neighbors to think about.
The dining area was cramped because of the way she moved the couches. I couldn't put my 4 chairs around it. And the couches were arranged in a U shape and so they blocked entrance to the balcony, which means the only way out was to go through the kitchen. This was my other problem. I need to feel like I can move around and that I am free and mobile and I didn't feel this way because of the way the entrance was blocked. It was just too constrictive for me.
Last weekend she was away and I decided to clean things up and I started to feel motivated to move furniture around as well since nothing changed and I was starting to feel like a prisoner.
I made minor changes and it freed up the space in the dining room and there was a path to get to the balcony. I still maintained the U shape that my roommate had. I sent her an email just notifying her about this and that we could change it if she didn't like it. I didn't want her to think I moved it just because she was away.
She didn't like it and was being childish about the situation. I wanted us both to work out something that we liked but she said that she doesn't care and that I'm going to do what I want anyways.
So I left things the way they were.
I went out last night and so did she. I probably came home half an hour earlier and 10 minutes after she arrived, some people were over. I had a feeling that she was going to move the furniture to how it was - and she did.
It is absolutely atrocious the way things are.
She 'suggested' earlier that I put my couch in my room. I am not comfortable with that. Prior to the couches being brought, she even had the balls to want to switch rooms so that she could have the bigger room and put the couches there.
I will be having a talk with her because it's not about just her being happy or just me being happy. We both have to be happy with things and there is no point in being childish.
Another thing she did the other day was notifying me that my peaches were rotting. I threw them out and didn't think to throw out the garbage since the bag was half full (or half empty). She asked me about why I didn't throw it out and I told her because the bag was not full. I was having lunch so I figure I'd take it out after my lunch but she ended up doing it and giving me attitude.
So I am occasionally absent minded. Big deal! I don't throw out my rotting fruits once! I find she needs to relax about things and not get uptight about petty things. If I were consistently letting my fruits rot then yes say something. I am not petty towards her the way she is to me.
I have another friend whom I was thinking of moving out to Toronto so I don't care so much because we may not live together for much longer but I will still say something because I don't want us to leave on a bad note.
I'm tired of being abused and being lashed out at for silly things. I have been fair to her and ever since the couch incident, she has been getting out of line. I plan on having a talk with her because I do not need this drama and I do not want to feel uncomfortable in my own home.
My roommate has been aggravating me for the past few weeks - largely due to the fact that we now have 3 couches in our apartment. She told me she was going to be bringing a couch and I figured we'd move things around to make it fit. I didn't know that she actually meant 2 couches and I am pretty sure I did not hear the word couches come out of her mouth.
I threw out the idea earlier that I could put my couch in storage (this was when I thought one was coming in). Of course upon reflecting upon it, I realized it's not fair that I do that and it costs money - money which I don't really have to waste since I've been laid off.
My roommate seems bitter that I made this suggestion and not follow through on it because I guess she probably thought I was serious when I was just trying to be polite and helpful about the situation.
She had a party a few weeks ago and wanted the couches there for it. I ended up being sick and so stayed in my room. There is more drama that happened - largely due to the fact that she is a bit childish about certain things. And I will not discuss that.
Okay maybe I will. She still had music going on in 2.40 am and I politely asked her to lower it and she rudely answered that she's having a party. A few days later she tells me that I embarrassed her. Excuse me but you embarrassed me by being rude. We live in an apartment and the party was pretty much done. Sure there was a few people left but it was done and we do have neighbors to think about.
The dining area was cramped because of the way she moved the couches. I couldn't put my 4 chairs around it. And the couches were arranged in a U shape and so they blocked entrance to the balcony, which means the only way out was to go through the kitchen. This was my other problem. I need to feel like I can move around and that I am free and mobile and I didn't feel this way because of the way the entrance was blocked. It was just too constrictive for me.
Last weekend she was away and I decided to clean things up and I started to feel motivated to move furniture around as well since nothing changed and I was starting to feel like a prisoner.
I made minor changes and it freed up the space in the dining room and there was a path to get to the balcony. I still maintained the U shape that my roommate had. I sent her an email just notifying her about this and that we could change it if she didn't like it. I didn't want her to think I moved it just because she was away.
She didn't like it and was being childish about the situation. I wanted us both to work out something that we liked but she said that she doesn't care and that I'm going to do what I want anyways.
So I left things the way they were.
I went out last night and so did she. I probably came home half an hour earlier and 10 minutes after she arrived, some people were over. I had a feeling that she was going to move the furniture to how it was - and she did.
It is absolutely atrocious the way things are.
She 'suggested' earlier that I put my couch in my room. I am not comfortable with that. Prior to the couches being brought, she even had the balls to want to switch rooms so that she could have the bigger room and put the couches there.
I will be having a talk with her because it's not about just her being happy or just me being happy. We both have to be happy with things and there is no point in being childish.
Another thing she did the other day was notifying me that my peaches were rotting. I threw them out and didn't think to throw out the garbage since the bag was half full (or half empty). She asked me about why I didn't throw it out and I told her because the bag was not full. I was having lunch so I figure I'd take it out after my lunch but she ended up doing it and giving me attitude.
So I am occasionally absent minded. Big deal! I don't throw out my rotting fruits once! I find she needs to relax about things and not get uptight about petty things. If I were consistently letting my fruits rot then yes say something. I am not petty towards her the way she is to me.
I have another friend whom I was thinking of moving out to Toronto so I don't care so much because we may not live together for much longer but I will still say something because I don't want us to leave on a bad note.
I'm tired of being abused and being lashed out at for silly things. I have been fair to her and ever since the couch incident, she has been getting out of line. I plan on having a talk with her because I do not need this drama and I do not want to feel uncomfortable in my own home.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Behind My Back?
Greetings all,
Since I've been doing stand up in Toronto, I am starting to get to know the regular up and coming comics who do the open mics to get their experience. One girl who is probably a few years younger then me is a little weird and her act is quite awful. I don't think she realizes how bad she is. I know I'm not that good and need polishing but I at least have some self awareness of what I am doing on stage. I wonder with this girl.
Since she's a little weird, I asked other comics what they thought of her and we all seem to agree that she is weird. At my show last night, the girl was there and other comics were starting to talk about her. I find that if someone is weird, people seem to chuckle when things from their past come up. Someone was commenting on the photos she did when she was younger as she did some modeling.
I started to wonder if these people would talk about me behind my back. I know I'm weird and I don't care. I accept my quirks.
People weren't being mean when talking about this girl but when they talk to her, they act all nice. It always bothers me to see people being nice to others after having witnessed them talking about them.
When I talked about her to others, I wanted confirmation that she really was weird and it wasn't just my imagination. I guess the people from last night weren't being mean but I always feel weird to witness someone being nice to someone when they were earlier on talking about them.
How else are you to handle weird people anyways? You have to be polite to them anyways. Why be mean to their face when you can be mean behind their backs?
It's not my style to be mean behind someone's back but if I notice things that aren't 'right' or they are acting out of line, I have to say something! I only talked about her to exchange information. I find there is a fine line between gathering information about people and gossiping. I try and get information on people and I am not into gossip and getting off on people's misfortune.
This girl was chatting to me yesterday and I was understanding her to some degree. I am a little sympathetic to weird people so I would listen to her to some degree (she didn't make much sense at least half the time). She did seem like she was trying to fit in and be nice and friendly towards others (she may have been trying too hard and that can work against you if you try too hard to fit in) so it's hard for me to be judgmental towards her. And I am a fairly compassionate person so people who are outcasts, I usually try to understand them.
Depending on the situation, I can be slow to open up to people and I find that I am now starting to open up a bit with the other comics. Maybe they do think I'm weird since I've been pretty quiet.
At least once they start to get to know me, they will realize that I am weird anyways!
Since I've been doing stand up in Toronto, I am starting to get to know the regular up and coming comics who do the open mics to get their experience. One girl who is probably a few years younger then me is a little weird and her act is quite awful. I don't think she realizes how bad she is. I know I'm not that good and need polishing but I at least have some self awareness of what I am doing on stage. I wonder with this girl.
Since she's a little weird, I asked other comics what they thought of her and we all seem to agree that she is weird. At my show last night, the girl was there and other comics were starting to talk about her. I find that if someone is weird, people seem to chuckle when things from their past come up. Someone was commenting on the photos she did when she was younger as she did some modeling.
I started to wonder if these people would talk about me behind my back. I know I'm weird and I don't care. I accept my quirks.
People weren't being mean when talking about this girl but when they talk to her, they act all nice. It always bothers me to see people being nice to others after having witnessed them talking about them.
When I talked about her to others, I wanted confirmation that she really was weird and it wasn't just my imagination. I guess the people from last night weren't being mean but I always feel weird to witness someone being nice to someone when they were earlier on talking about them.
How else are you to handle weird people anyways? You have to be polite to them anyways. Why be mean to their face when you can be mean behind their backs?
It's not my style to be mean behind someone's back but if I notice things that aren't 'right' or they are acting out of line, I have to say something! I only talked about her to exchange information. I find there is a fine line between gathering information about people and gossiping. I try and get information on people and I am not into gossip and getting off on people's misfortune.
This girl was chatting to me yesterday and I was understanding her to some degree. I am a little sympathetic to weird people so I would listen to her to some degree (she didn't make much sense at least half the time). She did seem like she was trying to fit in and be nice and friendly towards others (she may have been trying too hard and that can work against you if you try too hard to fit in) so it's hard for me to be judgmental towards her. And I am a fairly compassionate person so people who are outcasts, I usually try to understand them.
Depending on the situation, I can be slow to open up to people and I find that I am now starting to open up a bit with the other comics. Maybe they do think I'm weird since I've been pretty quiet.
At least once they start to get to know me, they will realize that I am weird anyways!
Slipping
Greetings all,
I have been feeling for quite some time a sense that I am running out of time. There's so much that I want to do in life and to accomplish and I feel like I have no time to get it done. I've been laid off from my job in August and have managed to do some things but I still feel that time is slipping away. I feel like I've reached my peak and have to start achieving things now or I never will. And I am only 29.
My biological clock is and has been ticking since I was 26 and that adds to my stress levels. My fertility levels are dropping as we speak and sometimes I wonder if my biological clock is responsible for me feeling this intensity.
The more I try to grasp time, the more evasive it seems.
Why is relaxing so hard?
I find that the key to success for anything is to relaxed and alert but this is such a difficult mind state to live in. Especially for me since I've battled anxiety all my life and have made some progress.
Pain sucks!
I have been feeling for quite some time a sense that I am running out of time. There's so much that I want to do in life and to accomplish and I feel like I have no time to get it done. I've been laid off from my job in August and have managed to do some things but I still feel that time is slipping away. I feel like I've reached my peak and have to start achieving things now or I never will. And I am only 29.
My biological clock is and has been ticking since I was 26 and that adds to my stress levels. My fertility levels are dropping as we speak and sometimes I wonder if my biological clock is responsible for me feeling this intensity.
The more I try to grasp time, the more evasive it seems.
Why is relaxing so hard?
I find that the key to success for anything is to relaxed and alert but this is such a difficult mind state to live in. Especially for me since I've battled anxiety all my life and have made some progress.
Pain sucks!
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Get Some Perspective
Greetings all,
My grandmother has been in the hospital for the past few weeks and was in intensive care. I'm not sure what exactly was wrong with her but she seems to be doing better. I was thinking about who showed interest into my grandmother's health and it certainly was not a corporation that came to visit her.
I see lots of people who become so attached to their jobs and put so much false hope into them and end up short changing other aspects of their life. I think many people lack perspective about what role work should play in their lives.
I think it's important to have ambition and to put time into the things that make you happy but sometimes people forget that it's also important to invest in your relationships and friendships.
When you are sick and old, is your job going to come and visit you? I doubt it. Perhaps friends that you made while working there.
I just don't understand people's striving for material goods and for this rat race. I always thought there were more important things in life then just buying stuff.
My grandmother has been in the hospital for the past few weeks and was in intensive care. I'm not sure what exactly was wrong with her but she seems to be doing better. I was thinking about who showed interest into my grandmother's health and it certainly was not a corporation that came to visit her.
I see lots of people who become so attached to their jobs and put so much false hope into them and end up short changing other aspects of their life. I think many people lack perspective about what role work should play in their lives.
I think it's important to have ambition and to put time into the things that make you happy but sometimes people forget that it's also important to invest in your relationships and friendships.
When you are sick and old, is your job going to come and visit you? I doubt it. Perhaps friends that you made while working there.
I just don't understand people's striving for material goods and for this rat race. I always thought there were more important things in life then just buying stuff.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Another new video
Greetings and salutations,
I finished another video this week and it is up on You Tube. The link is: here.
Hope you enjoy it!
Also if you have a You Tube account, please rate it 5 stars (just to stroke my ego for me)
I finished another video this week and it is up on You Tube. The link is: here.
Hope you enjoy it!
Also if you have a You Tube account, please rate it 5 stars (just to stroke my ego for me)
Monday, October 06, 2008
My New Video
Greetings all,
I have a new comedy short on you tube. I thought I reached my creative peak with my first video, How I Spend my Time when my Roommate is Away but fortunately I came up with another idea.
You can view it at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YX3e5nMpdTo
Enjoy!
I have a new comedy short on you tube. I thought I reached my creative peak with my first video, How I Spend my Time when my Roommate is Away but fortunately I came up with another idea.
You can view it at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YX3e5nMpdTo
Enjoy!
Monday, September 29, 2008
Why I feel Ordinary
Greetings and Salutations,
I have been doing online dating for a while and many men will tell me how cool and amazing I am. Some of the time I don't really feel that way. I consider myself fairly confident person, although I can still feel pretty dumb about things as I am not all knowing and that disturbs me to some degree - although I accept my limitations - that I'll never know everything and be that uber smart person I dream of.
Anyways, I do interesting things on my own. I perform stand up. I do qigong. I travel the world and explore many things. I am willing to push past my fears. I am honest. I am an anthroposophist. I make comedy videos for You Tube.
But when I reflect upon myself, I sometimes feel ordinary. I don't feel special. I just try and be authentic in my life and try to be myself and try to grow and take risks. I don't think what I do is amazing because I feel it's a result of me being myself.
Yes I have my moments of feeling grandiose but that comes and goes and I accept that. You can't be grand all the time!
I don't mind feeling ordinary and so I accept it and sometimes it feels nice.
I have been doing online dating for a while and many men will tell me how cool and amazing I am. Some of the time I don't really feel that way. I consider myself fairly confident person, although I can still feel pretty dumb about things as I am not all knowing and that disturbs me to some degree - although I accept my limitations - that I'll never know everything and be that uber smart person I dream of.
Anyways, I do interesting things on my own. I perform stand up. I do qigong. I travel the world and explore many things. I am willing to push past my fears. I am honest. I am an anthroposophist. I make comedy videos for You Tube.
But when I reflect upon myself, I sometimes feel ordinary. I don't feel special. I just try and be authentic in my life and try to be myself and try to grow and take risks. I don't think what I do is amazing because I feel it's a result of me being myself.
Yes I have my moments of feeling grandiose but that comes and goes and I accept that. You can't be grand all the time!
I don't mind feeling ordinary and so I accept it and sometimes it feels nice.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Pass me a Cigarette
Greetings and Salutations,
These past few days I've been getting into the habit of writing comedy jokes and tonight I was actually writing and staying focused on writing for a good chunk of time.
As much as I enjoy improv and the instant gratification it brings, it has made me a bit averse to writing. I have been slowly accepting the fact that I may have to begin writing again if I want to do stand up and other comedy projects as I have been very resistant to comedy writing. I've been learning about how to do stand up and have some work-along dvd that I've been using these past few days and so I've been writing comedy stuff again, which I haven't done since I was 16. I might have dabbled in joke or sketch ideas but I now seem to be taking it seriously.
And it felt good.
Part of what works in comedy is by starting off serious, or in other words, don't try and be funny. Set up things the right way and the funny naturally emerges.
So I've been writing just premises and topics. It's helpful since I'm not stressing out over being funny.
I keep a journal so I'm used to writing and I do get a certain satisfaction in writing that people who aren't writers may not get.
Writing is a means with which I can delve into my thoughts and give them expression. I can talk to my friends about these things but sometimes putting it on paper makes my thoughts seem more concrete.
Writing is so simple and I've neglected my creative writing for so long and I feel I am rediscovering this simple past time. I feel so complete as a human being.
My insanity is being properly channeled!
Somebody just pass me a cigarette!
These past few days I've been getting into the habit of writing comedy jokes and tonight I was actually writing and staying focused on writing for a good chunk of time.
As much as I enjoy improv and the instant gratification it brings, it has made me a bit averse to writing. I have been slowly accepting the fact that I may have to begin writing again if I want to do stand up and other comedy projects as I have been very resistant to comedy writing. I've been learning about how to do stand up and have some work-along dvd that I've been using these past few days and so I've been writing comedy stuff again, which I haven't done since I was 16. I might have dabbled in joke or sketch ideas but I now seem to be taking it seriously.
And it felt good.
Part of what works in comedy is by starting off serious, or in other words, don't try and be funny. Set up things the right way and the funny naturally emerges.
So I've been writing just premises and topics. It's helpful since I'm not stressing out over being funny.
I keep a journal so I'm used to writing and I do get a certain satisfaction in writing that people who aren't writers may not get.
Writing is a means with which I can delve into my thoughts and give them expression. I can talk to my friends about these things but sometimes putting it on paper makes my thoughts seem more concrete.
Writing is so simple and I've neglected my creative writing for so long and I feel I am rediscovering this simple past time. I feel so complete as a human being.
My insanity is being properly channeled!
Somebody just pass me a cigarette!
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Go Away!
Greetings and Salutations,
I don't believe I shared this story with my readers so I shall tell it now.
I had a friend who back in the beginning of July decided to terminate our friendship. He was formally a lover of mine and we dated about 5 years ago for a few months. We decided to be Friends with benefits.
I had a couple of boyfriends during this time but I always thought that we were genuine friends. I would still talk to him even though I would be with someone because I enjoyed talking with him and found him to be a good friend and I thought he was intelligent. I respected him as a person and thought he was a very emotionally balanced and rational person and that was what I appreciated in him.
He didn't really date people because I think he was a bit of a loner and he didn't go out much partly because he didn't have many friends or social activities that he participated in. He also was the primary caretaker of his children who are now in grade 9 and 7.
I had always hoped that we both would find someone to settle down with, preferably around the same time so that I wouldn't lose my benefits. I knew we wouldn't work as a couple but I wanted him to find someone eventually because I genuinely felt he shouldn't be alone for the rest of his life.
He started dating a woman that lived on his street back in January. We would still talk but around March he started to act distant. I typically just talk to him on the phone and don't actually hang out with him. Every time I would call he would say he was busy with Deb (the new girlfriend) or that he can't talk because they were watching a movie. Eventually I got fed up with him acting like an asshole and I sent him an email.
I contacted him before leaving for my trip to Europe in May and he was quite callous and when I asked him questions like how he was doing, he was giving me brief answers.
I contacted him about a month later and his daughter said he wasn't home so I tried the next day. I had this feeling that I shouldn't but I proceeded to anyways. His girlfriend picked up. I thought it was his son as the voice was husky. I asked if I could speak to your dad and she asked who it was and I said Paula. My friend answered and said "I want you to stop calling. My fiance and I don't you want you calling the house anymore". I was quite devastated to hear those words coming out of his mouth. I just politely answered ok and hung up.
I was in shock and stunned. I couldn't believe that he would end this friendship of 6 years. And I was also surprised that he got engaged to someone only after dating for about 5 to 6 months.
My coworkers were telling me his girlfriend is probably insecure because she probably threatened him to end this friendship. If he had more friends, she might have had a harder time trying to get rid of me. I can understand why she would feel threatened but if my friend had cared about me as a friend like I thought he did, he probably would explain that I am not a threat.
I am not someone who tries to steal someone's man. I think that's a waste of time. And how can someone be threatened by a phone conversation?
Some people are weird and my 'friend' is a spineless prick.
This almost just makes me not want to trust people anymore. I considered him a best friend and this is what he does to me? Thanks a lot!
What bothers me is that I've had a couple of dreams where he apologizes to me. Today I had a dream where he was telling me he was an idiot for what he did.
I don't want fucking apologies in my dreams. I want real life apologies.
I don't know if this dream was a message showing that perhaps on some level my 'friend' does feel bad about what he did. But you know what? I don't fucking care about getting stupid messages from my subconscious like that. I want real apologies. How is this to make me feel better?
I did move on from this incident but having this dream just reminded me again of this incident. I feel like I've moved on and now my subconscious is being a prick by reminding me of this all over again.
Fuck off already and leave me alone!
I don't believe I shared this story with my readers so I shall tell it now.
I had a friend who back in the beginning of July decided to terminate our friendship. He was formally a lover of mine and we dated about 5 years ago for a few months. We decided to be Friends with benefits.
I had a couple of boyfriends during this time but I always thought that we were genuine friends. I would still talk to him even though I would be with someone because I enjoyed talking with him and found him to be a good friend and I thought he was intelligent. I respected him as a person and thought he was a very emotionally balanced and rational person and that was what I appreciated in him.
He didn't really date people because I think he was a bit of a loner and he didn't go out much partly because he didn't have many friends or social activities that he participated in. He also was the primary caretaker of his children who are now in grade 9 and 7.
I had always hoped that we both would find someone to settle down with, preferably around the same time so that I wouldn't lose my benefits. I knew we wouldn't work as a couple but I wanted him to find someone eventually because I genuinely felt he shouldn't be alone for the rest of his life.
He started dating a woman that lived on his street back in January. We would still talk but around March he started to act distant. I typically just talk to him on the phone and don't actually hang out with him. Every time I would call he would say he was busy with Deb (the new girlfriend) or that he can't talk because they were watching a movie. Eventually I got fed up with him acting like an asshole and I sent him an email.
I contacted him before leaving for my trip to Europe in May and he was quite callous and when I asked him questions like how he was doing, he was giving me brief answers.
I contacted him about a month later and his daughter said he wasn't home so I tried the next day. I had this feeling that I shouldn't but I proceeded to anyways. His girlfriend picked up. I thought it was his son as the voice was husky. I asked if I could speak to your dad and she asked who it was and I said Paula. My friend answered and said "I want you to stop calling. My fiance and I don't you want you calling the house anymore". I was quite devastated to hear those words coming out of his mouth. I just politely answered ok and hung up.
I was in shock and stunned. I couldn't believe that he would end this friendship of 6 years. And I was also surprised that he got engaged to someone only after dating for about 5 to 6 months.
My coworkers were telling me his girlfriend is probably insecure because she probably threatened him to end this friendship. If he had more friends, she might have had a harder time trying to get rid of me. I can understand why she would feel threatened but if my friend had cared about me as a friend like I thought he did, he probably would explain that I am not a threat.
I am not someone who tries to steal someone's man. I think that's a waste of time. And how can someone be threatened by a phone conversation?
Some people are weird and my 'friend' is a spineless prick.
This almost just makes me not want to trust people anymore. I considered him a best friend and this is what he does to me? Thanks a lot!
What bothers me is that I've had a couple of dreams where he apologizes to me. Today I had a dream where he was telling me he was an idiot for what he did.
I don't want fucking apologies in my dreams. I want real life apologies.
I don't know if this dream was a message showing that perhaps on some level my 'friend' does feel bad about what he did. But you know what? I don't fucking care about getting stupid messages from my subconscious like that. I want real apologies. How is this to make me feel better?
I did move on from this incident but having this dream just reminded me again of this incident. I feel like I've moved on and now my subconscious is being a prick by reminding me of this all over again.
Fuck off already and leave me alone!
Monday, September 08, 2008
Faith
Greetings and Salutations,
Yesterday morning I had a dream where a friend of mine was telling me to start thinking that everything will work out in the end. To have faith, if you will.
I've always had to struggle with having faith in things but I guess I do show faith in things. Right now I just feel like I don't know if I'll have all the things I desire in my life. My desires are simple and yet I wonder if I will have them.
Things seem bleak at times but I try to be rational about things but I guess my dream was telling me something I needed to hear.
I am hoping my dream is right because it would be very sad if it were wrong.
Yesterday morning I had a dream where a friend of mine was telling me to start thinking that everything will work out in the end. To have faith, if you will.
I've always had to struggle with having faith in things but I guess I do show faith in things. Right now I just feel like I don't know if I'll have all the things I desire in my life. My desires are simple and yet I wonder if I will have them.
Things seem bleak at times but I try to be rational about things but I guess my dream was telling me something I needed to hear.
I am hoping my dream is right because it would be very sad if it were wrong.
Thursday, September 04, 2008
Closing Shop
Greetings and Salutations,
I am making an announcement that will astound my readers.
I have decided that I will refrain from casual sex.
I finished reading a book entitled "Getting to I Do" (the title was lame but I think the book was informative and useful) and it was for women on how to be successful in long term relationships, that can possibly lead to marriage.
One of the sections discussed how not to have sex unless you get a commitment from the man and it makes sense because it discussed how having sex for women makes them fall more in love with someone and that some chemical is produced (oxytocin) that makes a woman bond to a man. It isn't produced as much in men as women and so for women to begin to have sex with a man, it can be addictive.
For men to fall in love with a woman, they need to commit because they do not fall in love the way a woman does, (who fall in love through sex and sharing their body).
Since my main goal is to find a long term relationship that may possibly lead to marriage, I decided that I will follow this. It suggests a dating period of 3 months.
I think it is useful as well since it forces you to be friends with them first, which I always felt was important. It states that friendship is the root and sex is the bloom.
I have had sex early on in the relationhip and I don't think it made me fall in love with the person, although it does tend to distract you from getting to know them to some degree. I don't think it was a problem for me since I always made it a point to get to know someone while dating and not getting caught up with the excitement of sex.
I guess for me since I am dating a bunch of guys, it would make sense to not be sleeping with each guy I date because I do not want to end up like a Jerry Springer guest.
I think I will try this out and see if it works for me.
The book had other useful advice and I recommend reading it.
I am making an announcement that will astound my readers.
I have decided that I will refrain from casual sex.
I finished reading a book entitled "Getting to I Do" (the title was lame but I think the book was informative and useful) and it was for women on how to be successful in long term relationships, that can possibly lead to marriage.
One of the sections discussed how not to have sex unless you get a commitment from the man and it makes sense because it discussed how having sex for women makes them fall more in love with someone and that some chemical is produced (oxytocin) that makes a woman bond to a man. It isn't produced as much in men as women and so for women to begin to have sex with a man, it can be addictive.
For men to fall in love with a woman, they need to commit because they do not fall in love the way a woman does, (who fall in love through sex and sharing their body).
Since my main goal is to find a long term relationship that may possibly lead to marriage, I decided that I will follow this. It suggests a dating period of 3 months.
I think it is useful as well since it forces you to be friends with them first, which I always felt was important. It states that friendship is the root and sex is the bloom.
I have had sex early on in the relationhip and I don't think it made me fall in love with the person, although it does tend to distract you from getting to know them to some degree. I don't think it was a problem for me since I always made it a point to get to know someone while dating and not getting caught up with the excitement of sex.
I guess for me since I am dating a bunch of guys, it would make sense to not be sleeping with each guy I date because I do not want to end up like a Jerry Springer guest.
I think I will try this out and see if it works for me.
The book had other useful advice and I recommend reading it.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
The Joys of Dating
Greetings and Salutations,
I generally hate dating because it is like job hunting. It's a numbers game and you just got to keep plugging away until you get a match. But there is some joy in this process so don't feel sorry for me my dear readers.
One thing I enjoy about dating is that, as a woman, men generally will pay for things in the beginning. I had gone on 4 dates these past 3 weeks and 2 of the guys offered to go out for dinner. I like to eat so how can I pass this opportunity up? I got to pick where we got to eat and I actually had leftovers so I got to take this home for lunch for the following day, so that means one dinner would be equivalent to 2 meals. I figure I need to get me some more dinner dates since I'm not a fan of cooking!
The other nice thing about dating in the beginning is that guys are so nice to you and they like to compliment you as well and I enjoy getting told how beautiful I am.
One guy I recently went on a couple of dates does art and he did a portrait of me. I have never dated a guy who did something like that so he definitely got some brownie points for that.
Another guy I went out with, we went to the mall and I had to buy myself a photo album. We went to Walmart as I went to some other stores on my own and they didn't have what I wanted. The guy I was with bought some small items for himself. I wanted to pay for my own photo album but he was insistent on paying for it. I really didn't want him to pay so instead of arguing with him in line, I let him buy me it. How can I refuse a man who wants to be generous?
So folks, even though being single can be harsh and lonely at times, there are some benefits to it.
I generally hate dating because it is like job hunting. It's a numbers game and you just got to keep plugging away until you get a match. But there is some joy in this process so don't feel sorry for me my dear readers.
One thing I enjoy about dating is that, as a woman, men generally will pay for things in the beginning. I had gone on 4 dates these past 3 weeks and 2 of the guys offered to go out for dinner. I like to eat so how can I pass this opportunity up? I got to pick where we got to eat and I actually had leftovers so I got to take this home for lunch for the following day, so that means one dinner would be equivalent to 2 meals. I figure I need to get me some more dinner dates since I'm not a fan of cooking!
The other nice thing about dating in the beginning is that guys are so nice to you and they like to compliment you as well and I enjoy getting told how beautiful I am.
One guy I recently went on a couple of dates does art and he did a portrait of me. I have never dated a guy who did something like that so he definitely got some brownie points for that.
Another guy I went out with, we went to the mall and I had to buy myself a photo album. We went to Walmart as I went to some other stores on my own and they didn't have what I wanted. The guy I was with bought some small items for himself. I wanted to pay for my own photo album but he was insistent on paying for it. I really didn't want him to pay so instead of arguing with him in line, I let him buy me it. How can I refuse a man who wants to be generous?
So folks, even though being single can be harsh and lonely at times, there are some benefits to it.
Friday, August 22, 2008
Thoughts on Work
Greetings and Salutations,
Since I've been laid off, I thought I'd express some thoughts about this very concept of work in our society. My department was notified we'd be laid off about 3 weeks prior to the actual date. I told my parents probably a few days after we were notified and my dad tells me I should start looking as soon as I was notified.
I really didn't appreciate being told how to run my life because I am not stupid. I know that you need money to pay the bills. I understand how things work. I am fortunate enough that I live in a society where we pay into a system that gives us some money if we have been laid off.
I feel like I shouldn't just take a job just for the sake of taking a job. I think sometimes people use work as a distraction so that they don't have to deal with their failures and feelings of inadequacies.
I actually want to enjoy the work that I do in life and I think there is nothing wrong with wanting to take some time to assess my life and the direction I want to take it.
The main reason people work is to buy things. The reality is the more money you have the more you spend. I'm not big on owning lots of stuff because the reality is most stuff that is out there is useless.
I've been in the work force for 9 years (not including working in high school) and I am not lazy and do have some level of ambition. I will figure out my life in my own way and in my time. I don't need to feel like I am scum and lazy because I am taking the time to evaluate my life and address my inner soul and spiritual needs.
* * *
I went out on Tuesday with the 'rents for dinner at the Mandarin and my father was quite grouchy and angry. My mother says he's been like that since they have returned from Italy (they were there for a month). He seems to like being there and chatting with all the relatives.
He said he was angry because he's not happy that I'm unemployed (through no fault of my own) and that he is worried. Now I don't know if he meant that or if he was really just angry because he likes being in Italy as my mom suggested and just wanted to use my being unemployed as an excuse.
It bothers me that they can be so negative and unsupportive. They have little faith in me. I had to remind them that it hurts me that they are so negative and pessimistic. I don't need them to worry about me. How is worrying about me going to land me a job? Honestly I keep my worrying to a minimum because largely worrying is unproductive.
I am tempted to lie to them that I found a job just so that they don't get worried.
Since I've been laid off, I thought I'd express some thoughts about this very concept of work in our society. My department was notified we'd be laid off about 3 weeks prior to the actual date. I told my parents probably a few days after we were notified and my dad tells me I should start looking as soon as I was notified.
I really didn't appreciate being told how to run my life because I am not stupid. I know that you need money to pay the bills. I understand how things work. I am fortunate enough that I live in a society where we pay into a system that gives us some money if we have been laid off.
I feel like I shouldn't just take a job just for the sake of taking a job. I think sometimes people use work as a distraction so that they don't have to deal with their failures and feelings of inadequacies.
I actually want to enjoy the work that I do in life and I think there is nothing wrong with wanting to take some time to assess my life and the direction I want to take it.
The main reason people work is to buy things. The reality is the more money you have the more you spend. I'm not big on owning lots of stuff because the reality is most stuff that is out there is useless.
I've been in the work force for 9 years (not including working in high school) and I am not lazy and do have some level of ambition. I will figure out my life in my own way and in my time. I don't need to feel like I am scum and lazy because I am taking the time to evaluate my life and address my inner soul and spiritual needs.
I went out on Tuesday with the 'rents for dinner at the Mandarin and my father was quite grouchy and angry. My mother says he's been like that since they have returned from Italy (they were there for a month). He seems to like being there and chatting with all the relatives.
He said he was angry because he's not happy that I'm unemployed (through no fault of my own) and that he is worried. Now I don't know if he meant that or if he was really just angry because he likes being in Italy as my mom suggested and just wanted to use my being unemployed as an excuse.
It bothers me that they can be so negative and unsupportive. They have little faith in me. I had to remind them that it hurts me that they are so negative and pessimistic. I don't need them to worry about me. How is worrying about me going to land me a job? Honestly I keep my worrying to a minimum because largely worrying is unproductive.
I am tempted to lie to them that I found a job just so that they don't get worried.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Not Bitchy Enough?
Greetings and Salutations,
I consider myself a fairly nice and considerate person. I am also fairly assertive and generally do not have people taking advantage of me. Sometimes I wonder if I should be more of a bitch.
Some women seem to think that they need to be mean and bitchy to get what they want and they think that it's okay to be pushy and forceful.
Sometimes I've wondered if I should be like that but I feel like that's not my style. I think I've become more laid back as I have gotten older and I have noticed that I don't really need to stress out about things and get dramatic when things aren't going the way I want.
I wasn't born with the best social skills but over the years I have made an effort to understand human behaviour so that I can get along with others but also go after the things I want while still maintaining some sort of peaceful existence with others.
I sometimes think I should be bitchier but I seem to get what I want in a charming manner. I also think as well that these women think they have to be bitchy to get what they want but I think maybe if they had more social skills developed, maybe they'd understand that being forceful and bitchy can be a waste of energy and that there are more efficient techniques for being assertive.
Any comments and thoughts would be appreciated.
I consider myself a fairly nice and considerate person. I am also fairly assertive and generally do not have people taking advantage of me. Sometimes I wonder if I should be more of a bitch.
Some women seem to think that they need to be mean and bitchy to get what they want and they think that it's okay to be pushy and forceful.
Sometimes I've wondered if I should be like that but I feel like that's not my style. I think I've become more laid back as I have gotten older and I have noticed that I don't really need to stress out about things and get dramatic when things aren't going the way I want.
I wasn't born with the best social skills but over the years I have made an effort to understand human behaviour so that I can get along with others but also go after the things I want while still maintaining some sort of peaceful existence with others.
I sometimes think I should be bitchier but I seem to get what I want in a charming manner. I also think as well that these women think they have to be bitchy to get what they want but I think maybe if they had more social skills developed, maybe they'd understand that being forceful and bitchy can be a waste of energy and that there are more efficient techniques for being assertive.
Any comments and thoughts would be appreciated.
Friday, August 15, 2008
Philosophy of Freedom
Greetings and Salutations,
I began this project a couple of months ago and it's on You Tube. It is an anthroposophy project and I am getting an article published in the Canadian Anthroposophical Society's newsletter. I'm just going to post the article (not edited by them so it's the RAW version). Here is what I am submitting:
I am in a book group that meets weekly in Dundas, Ontario. Back in September 2003, our group decided we would study Rudolf Steiner’s challenging and insightful book, Philosophy of Freedom (Intuitive Thinking as a Spiritual Path).
We had Paul Hodkins join us for an evening to give us an outline of how to study this book. I believe he taught a series workshop at the Rudolf Steiner Centre in Thornhill, which a couple of my group members attended.
The method he taught us was to summarize each paragraph. There are 2 versions of this book. One is the English translation and the other is the American translation. It is the American translation that identifies the paragraph in numerical format.
Our group found this method of studying this book very demanding and yet very worthwhile. I feel that it disciplines your thinking in a way that is much needed in today’s world. One member had remarked she found it useful to read and study this book in a group as she may not have the discipline to do this if she were alone.
Our group managed to summarize the first 7 chapters of this book. For the reminder of the book, we decided to read it and have discussions. One of the members and I continued to summarize the paragraphs on our own.
A few months ago I had decided that I would share the work that my group and I have done. I decided to start recording myself and sharing this information on You Tube. I feel that Philosophy of Freedom has a lot to offer to its readers and I recommend reading it through a few times and then trying out this method to get a better understanding of it.
You Tube is a very popular internet site which offers viewers a broad range of topics and content. I felt that putting up a study guide about Philosophy of Freedom would be very helpful to those who may not have access to a book group or who would like additional help in learning and understanding this important book. I think it is useful as well since you can study the material at your own pace and listen to the sessions multiple times.
I encourage everyone who wants to deepen their understanding of this wonderful book by visiting my You Tube page at http://www.youtube.com/user/1funnyanthropop. Please subscribe so that you can be notified when I release a new video. I also encourage viewers to email questions or comments so that I can address them.
I have been deeply enriched by studying this book through this method and I hope to share what I have learned and grasped in this videos series with those who want to deepen their understanding of this great book.
I began this project a couple of months ago and it's on You Tube. It is an anthroposophy project and I am getting an article published in the Canadian Anthroposophical Society's newsletter. I'm just going to post the article (not edited by them so it's the RAW version). Here is what I am submitting:
I am in a book group that meets weekly in Dundas, Ontario. Back in September 2003, our group decided we would study Rudolf Steiner’s challenging and insightful book, Philosophy of Freedom (Intuitive Thinking as a Spiritual Path).
We had Paul Hodkins join us for an evening to give us an outline of how to study this book. I believe he taught a series workshop at the Rudolf Steiner Centre in Thornhill, which a couple of my group members attended.
The method he taught us was to summarize each paragraph. There are 2 versions of this book. One is the English translation and the other is the American translation. It is the American translation that identifies the paragraph in numerical format.
Our group found this method of studying this book very demanding and yet very worthwhile. I feel that it disciplines your thinking in a way that is much needed in today’s world. One member had remarked she found it useful to read and study this book in a group as she may not have the discipline to do this if she were alone.
Our group managed to summarize the first 7 chapters of this book. For the reminder of the book, we decided to read it and have discussions. One of the members and I continued to summarize the paragraphs on our own.
A few months ago I had decided that I would share the work that my group and I have done. I decided to start recording myself and sharing this information on You Tube. I feel that Philosophy of Freedom has a lot to offer to its readers and I recommend reading it through a few times and then trying out this method to get a better understanding of it.
You Tube is a very popular internet site which offers viewers a broad range of topics and content. I felt that putting up a study guide about Philosophy of Freedom would be very helpful to those who may not have access to a book group or who would like additional help in learning and understanding this important book. I think it is useful as well since you can study the material at your own pace and listen to the sessions multiple times.
I encourage everyone who wants to deepen their understanding of this wonderful book by visiting my You Tube page at http://www.youtube.com/user/1funnyanthropop. Please subscribe so that you can be notified when I release a new video. I also encourage viewers to email questions or comments so that I can address them.
I have been deeply enriched by studying this book through this method and I hope to share what I have learned and grasped in this videos series with those who want to deepen their understanding of this great book.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Bored!
Greetings and Salutations,
Well last week marked my first week of being unemployed and as of now I am officially bored. I've made a personal decision that since the government is now my Sugar Daddy for a year, I want to try and take this comedy thing a bit seriously. I know there are people out there who are making a living out of it and that is what I plan to do. I know it will require me to step out of my comfort zone a bit and so that is why I've been hesitant to actually look for a regular job.
I know if I go and get a regular job, I'll keep thinking about comedy. I'll just keep repeating this cycle that I have been on and never be happy with the work that I do. i'm quite tired of this cycle and tired of having my talents go to waste - largely due to my lack of confidence in myself. It's not enough that I can make my co-workers laugh. I need more!
The good thing is that since I've been doing open mic nights since February, my confidence in stand up is increasing and I have 20 minutes worth of decent material.
Part of my strategy also involves producing short videos for youtube, of which I've already done my first. I would like to do at least one a week.
I bet making a living in comedy isn't as hard as I think it is in my head. I can get very emotional about things sometimes but I think if I try and think strategically it would probably help me feel less overwhelmed.
I am going to be doing something that I am not used to so I have to train myself. I have to train myself to take action in ways I am not used it.
I must rise above my feelings of self doubt and lack of confidence!
Huzzah!
Well last week marked my first week of being unemployed and as of now I am officially bored. I've made a personal decision that since the government is now my Sugar Daddy for a year, I want to try and take this comedy thing a bit seriously. I know there are people out there who are making a living out of it and that is what I plan to do. I know it will require me to step out of my comfort zone a bit and so that is why I've been hesitant to actually look for a regular job.
I know if I go and get a regular job, I'll keep thinking about comedy. I'll just keep repeating this cycle that I have been on and never be happy with the work that I do. i'm quite tired of this cycle and tired of having my talents go to waste - largely due to my lack of confidence in myself. It's not enough that I can make my co-workers laugh. I need more!
The good thing is that since I've been doing open mic nights since February, my confidence in stand up is increasing and I have 20 minutes worth of decent material.
Part of my strategy also involves producing short videos for youtube, of which I've already done my first. I would like to do at least one a week.
I bet making a living in comedy isn't as hard as I think it is in my head. I can get very emotional about things sometimes but I think if I try and think strategically it would probably help me feel less overwhelmed.
I am going to be doing something that I am not used to so I have to train myself. I have to train myself to take action in ways I am not used it.
I must rise above my feelings of self doubt and lack of confidence!
Huzzah!
Sunday, August 10, 2008
My New Video
Greetings all,
I produced a video this Thursday entitled How I Spend my Time when my Roommate is Away. I posted it on youtube and would love for my wonderful readers to check it out and give it a 5 star rating!
Hope you enjoy it!
I produced a video this Thursday entitled How I Spend my Time when my Roommate is Away. I posted it on youtube and would love for my wonderful readers to check it out and give it a 5 star rating!
Hope you enjoy it!
Monday, August 04, 2008
Sad Musings
Greetings and Salutations,
Today is a holiday in Canada and today is my official last day at my job (we got holiday pay as we worked Friday).
I'm quite sad as I feel overwhelmed and frustrated by numerous things.
I began this detox program which supposedly helps people to lose weight called the Master Cleanse (aka lemonade diet). I am on Day 3 and to get the most out of it you are to do for 10 days although I read somewhere you can do it for a minimum of 3 days.
I am interested to see if this detoxes my body and see if it helps me to lose some weight. I don't know if I want to do for 10 days. I find it to be a bit more expensive then when I buy my regular groceries because you are supposed to buy organic lemons and they cost $1 each. I've also boughten organic maple syrup and have finished the bottle already and that was expensive as well.
I think I have the discipline to do it but the cheapskate in me doesn't want to spend all this money. I have the time to do it but since I lost my job, I don't want to spend money so quickly.
I think 3 days is good though. I've always been someone that doesn't skip meals and I've broken Italian Law because I have not been eating solid foods for the past 3 days.
I find drinking the lemon drink helps to ease the hunger pains. Today I don't feel as bad as yesterday where I felt a bit stupid and slow to think. I woke up yesterday feeling really angry and I think that was because I was hungry.
* * *
Another thing that I'm going through that is causing me much heartache is I had some argument via email with the English Muffin and now he doesn't want to talk to me at all. I largely think that he misunderstood why I was angry. I made some comment about his friend and he obviously got defensive and protective. I was probably off when I made my initial attack and I was most likely being impulsive (largely due to my anger over what I perceived to be inappropriate behaviour). I think he didn't try to get where I was coming from because he saw my comments as an attack on the person whereas I saw them more as an attack on the behaviour and so I kept arguing my position on this behaviour.
I just don't think it was fair for him to not give this a chance to be verbally discussed because I probably would have apologized sooner or at least stop the argument and talk about it over skype so that it doesn't get too heated.
I've sent him a couple of apologies but have not heard from him. The last time we had some fight like this he didn't talk to me for some time and it really bothers me because if someone is mad at me, I'd rather talk about it and get it out of the way.
I think most people find this relationship with the English Muffin as strange. I'm still making myself open to dating other guys but I'm not really into it. I think because we have seen each other on skype and talked, I at least know that I find him attractive and I find for the most part we are compatible.
I probably should talk to him about these things but haven't gotten the nerve because it is a little strange situation to me to have feelings for someone that you just email and talk on skype with.
I probably should have told him that I think about him alot.
I probably should have told him that when I am out by myself or with friends, I wish he was there along side me.
I probably should have told him that I can see a future with him and that we can make this odd situation work (although he'd have to be the one to do most of the work as he has told me he wants to leave England)
I guess I feel a bit defensive and awkward about opening up about my feelings for someone whom I don't actually get to physically be with. I guess some people probably are skeptical or naive and I guess they can be.
And I find it even more strange that I have these feelings for someone and haven't had a chance to have sex with him!
All I know is that I've pissed off this guy that I really like and I may not get the chance to tell him my feelings because I've pissed him off so much.
Crrkk
The sound of my heart breaking
Today is a holiday in Canada and today is my official last day at my job (we got holiday pay as we worked Friday).
I'm quite sad as I feel overwhelmed and frustrated by numerous things.
I began this detox program which supposedly helps people to lose weight called the Master Cleanse (aka lemonade diet). I am on Day 3 and to get the most out of it you are to do for 10 days although I read somewhere you can do it for a minimum of 3 days.
I am interested to see if this detoxes my body and see if it helps me to lose some weight. I don't know if I want to do for 10 days. I find it to be a bit more expensive then when I buy my regular groceries because you are supposed to buy organic lemons and they cost $1 each. I've also boughten organic maple syrup and have finished the bottle already and that was expensive as well.
I think I have the discipline to do it but the cheapskate in me doesn't want to spend all this money. I have the time to do it but since I lost my job, I don't want to spend money so quickly.
I think 3 days is good though. I've always been someone that doesn't skip meals and I've broken Italian Law because I have not been eating solid foods for the past 3 days.
I find drinking the lemon drink helps to ease the hunger pains. Today I don't feel as bad as yesterday where I felt a bit stupid and slow to think. I woke up yesterday feeling really angry and I think that was because I was hungry.
Another thing that I'm going through that is causing me much heartache is I had some argument via email with the English Muffin and now he doesn't want to talk to me at all. I largely think that he misunderstood why I was angry. I made some comment about his friend and he obviously got defensive and protective. I was probably off when I made my initial attack and I was most likely being impulsive (largely due to my anger over what I perceived to be inappropriate behaviour). I think he didn't try to get where I was coming from because he saw my comments as an attack on the person whereas I saw them more as an attack on the behaviour and so I kept arguing my position on this behaviour.
I just don't think it was fair for him to not give this a chance to be verbally discussed because I probably would have apologized sooner or at least stop the argument and talk about it over skype so that it doesn't get too heated.
I've sent him a couple of apologies but have not heard from him. The last time we had some fight like this he didn't talk to me for some time and it really bothers me because if someone is mad at me, I'd rather talk about it and get it out of the way.
I think most people find this relationship with the English Muffin as strange. I'm still making myself open to dating other guys but I'm not really into it. I think because we have seen each other on skype and talked, I at least know that I find him attractive and I find for the most part we are compatible.
I probably should talk to him about these things but haven't gotten the nerve because it is a little strange situation to me to have feelings for someone that you just email and talk on skype with.
I probably should have told him that I think about him alot.
I probably should have told him that when I am out by myself or with friends, I wish he was there along side me.
I probably should have told him that I can see a future with him and that we can make this odd situation work (although he'd have to be the one to do most of the work as he has told me he wants to leave England)
I guess I feel a bit defensive and awkward about opening up about my feelings for someone whom I don't actually get to physically be with. I guess some people probably are skeptical or naive and I guess they can be.
And I find it even more strange that I have these feelings for someone and haven't had a chance to have sex with him!
All I know is that I've pissed off this guy that I really like and I may not get the chance to tell him my feelings because I've pissed him off so much.
Crrkk
The sound of my heart breaking
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