Purse Snatching

Greetings all,

I experienced my first purse snatching yesterday afternoon. I was not impressed. I was on my way to the bank as I just finished job searching at the library. I like to go to the library to get out of the house and use the wifi internet. I was actually sitting at a different table then where I normally sit.

At the table, a woman said she was going to watch a video and asked if that would be a problem. She wasn't talking to me because I guess the other people were closer and then the people at the table were talking with her. The other 2 people knew each other and apparently this woman was researching organ donation for her husband as he was in need of a donor. Although these people probably couldn't have helped, I thought it was sweet how the man was showing concern for her situation and encouraging her to tell people and get the word out about the situation.

I thought wow what nice people. I don't know if it's because I have introversion tendencies but I usually am quite fearful to initiate conversations with strangers (although I will speak to them if they start a conversation). I would never be like that with someone and be helpful. I'd be a bit nervous.

So I had left the library to go to the bank as I had some cheques to cash. I am maybe a 2 minute walk from the streetcar stop when I feel someone from behind me try to grab my purse. I have a hand bag for a purse. My friend makes fun of me because it has 3 compartments, 2 of which are open and the other is zippered. I like the purse because it makes me feel like a doctor. I bought that purse a couple of years ago and had a hard time finding one I liked.

I turn around and start pulling my purse away from her. I had to yell and I dragged her towards the street in hopes of getting a car involved and I eventually freed myself from her. I also was kicking at her and fought for my purse. If she had a weapon, maybe I would have not fought.

I was quite shaken up and went to the hair salon since it was the closest business and I told them what happened. Since I was still shocked, it didn't occur to me to call the cops but they told me to call the cops which I did.

One guy who was waiting at the streetcar stop gave me some information about her and where she went and I think he might have tried to follow. He had to leave for work but I asked him to give me his number and write out information for when the cops arrive.

The cops came and they were already looking for the person but didn't find her. They took me down the street where the guy told me she went down and we didn't find her.

I eventually got angry about what happened and I felt violated. This is my neighborhood and although this happened about a 10 minute walk from where I live, I don't appreciate it and I want to feel safe when I walk.

I joked to the cops though that she probably should have waited until after I went to the bank if she wanted my money, not before.

I told my friend and she thinks because I have a hand bag, it makes it an easy target to snatch so she gave me a couple of her purses (I paid some money for it) that you wear over your shoulder and hopefully that will make my purse not look so enticing to purse snatchers.

The irony of it all was I was wearing my Threadless (it's the name of an online store) shirt that said "Canada: living the American dream without all the violence since 1867".

I also read online at the site for the local police that it's best to release your purse if someone is trying to steal it to prevent injury. I think that makes sense if they have a weapon but I had fought back and succeeded. This woman was probably an inch or 2 shorter then me so I had a good chance of succeeding.

I was also surprised that my handles could withstand this because there was a lot of tugging going on. There were no damages to it either and my purse was made in China! China apparently can manufacture good products since my purse was not damaged as there were lots of tugging and pulling was going on. Yeah China!

So my day begins with being exposed to kind people showing concern to dealing with some criminal trying to steal my purse. Humans are quite strange!

Kicked out!

Greetings and salutations,

I got kicked out of my second meetup group last week. I emailed the organizer and asked why but she never got back to me. I attended 2 events so I don't know why she'd kick me out. I was thinking of leaving it anyways but I would have preferred to leave then get kicked out!

I showed up later for the last event but that was because we had dinner and I had to watch my money and didn't want to waste $20 on dinner and I am wondering if that's why. The group is for single women to hang out downtown and the organizer writes on the site that we women need to stick together! They spent probably an hour and a bit complaining about men. Maybe she could see I was getting bored and annoyed (or maybe I hide it well) during those conversations.

Most of the women were all bitching about the same thing (not all of them).
Bitching about things like:
How Men can't commit
How Men online lie about who they are
About Men who still live with their parents

This was going on as well during the first meetup and we were at a more fancy restaurant. I was riding home on the streetcar with another woman from the meetup, who was older then me, who I thought was nice. She remarked that it wasn't appropriate for them to be complaining in such an environment since other people were there wanting to enjoy themselves as well. I agreed since I found it pointless. So it seems to be a pattern going on.

I'm all for self expression and ranting because sometimes that can be productive but I don't know if that was what was going on. I felt like they weren't taking responsibility for what was going on. I mean, if a man is lying about who is online, isn't it up to you to figure that out? There obviously are men out there that need to mature and grow up before they are ready for a responsible relationship and all you can do is be aware of the men that you date and get involved with.

Since I've done some reading on relationships and, I think it needs to be acknowledged that because the genders sometimes react differently to things, there maybe some behaviours people are doing that are making it difficult for them to get someone to commit.

Anyways, we're only responsible for ourselves so why complain about the losers that are out there. We don't have to fix them!

I think all women should just accept the fact that all men are stupid and that only the smart ones realize how stupid they are (I think this applies to all humans though)! The faster you realize that, the easier it is to understand them! I just don't understand the endless complaining, it just makes them look bitter and unattractive.

Hating the 'Rents

Greetings all,

Sometimes I just don't like my parents. They are really different from me in many ways and sometimes I just don't connect with them.

Being that I am unemployed and still seriously job hunting, I get frustrated that my dad had it easier then me. He immigrated to this country when he was 23, knocked up my mother when she was 18. He managed to get a good paying job, considering he only had grade 3 education.

By the time he hit my age - 30 - he already had 3 kids and a house and a good paying job.

I don't even have that and I am not even close to having that!

I am a fucking genius who failed Mensa by 1%. I have never had a really good paying job and have had to struggle to find a good job. I want to be a comedian and here I am making nothing at this point.

I don't even have a boyfriend.

All I have is an upset uterus that wants to fuck men and have babies but I keep telling it to wait and relax.

It isn't fair! I have the will to work too so it's not like I can say I am lazy and that is why I am not having a good job.

I think my dad would collapse if he was born in another generation.

It really just boils down to luck.
And anyone that says anything about hard work is probably living in a bubble. Even if you work hard, that guarantees nothing.

I've done more and put more effort in work then he ever has but I am not even remotely ahead. He comes here to make a better life for himself but all 4 of his kids struggle to make it. They probably want us to be happy and successful but it really doesn't matter what a parent does because at the end of the day, we all will fend for ourselves.

I fucking hate you guys sometimes!

And He's Back!

Greetings all,

I had previously mentioned in my last post that there was someone I was interested in and that I would tell y'all another day. Well today is the 'another day' although technically it really is just a few hours. I did a show tonight and was in no mood to write.

Well the person that I was wondering if he was interested in me is none other then the English Muffin. I decided to send him a message back in April and we have been chatting since.

I had last written about him at the end of the year. To quickly recap I was getting all frustrated that we were just emailing each other since we started talking again. I believed I was slightly brainwashed from a relationship book I read and didn't come out directly to say that I wanted to chat on Skype.

Anyways, I figure he wasn't chasing after me because of how I abused my Facebook status updates, letting him subtly know that I was dating others because I didn't want to sit and wait around while he decides if he wants a relationship with me or not. I probably broke his sad little heart so I just messaged him back in April and asked if I upset him but apparently he decided to just ignore me since he thought I was on some mission on how he should and shouldn't talk to me.(which I could see how he would interpret that as such)

I didn't want to come off as demanding because I just find it easier to talk on Skype but like I said earlier, I was slightly brainwashed by a relationship book.

Anyways, I was still not sure if he was interested in me. I mean I know I was interested in him. He left little clues behind in his emails that made me still think he was interested but I'm a big fan of direct communication so I still had some doubts. He'd have to say 'I am still interested in you' and I think I would clearly get that message, so that's why I'd use the relationship forum.

I wonder if guys spend this much time analyzing girls because on that forum, these women spend alot of time. I enjoy analyzing but even I put a stop to it because it can get out of hand. I don't think there is anything wrong with analyzing a situation. A little bit of it can do some good and so I did ask for some opinions online since I guess I needed some feedback/assurance that I think he still was interested.

I admit to stalking him online. I mean I know he has a photo album up and I was hoping that he doesn't have something like Blog Patrol where you can see what countries are following you. I would look at them occasionally and see if he uploaded any new pictures.

It's not really stalking though, it's research!

So the other day he messages me and says he was looking at some of the pictures of when we were in Bath and asked if I wanted to come over again.

I was pleased to see that he was showing he is sappy like I am and probably was lusting at my picture much like how I would lust at his photo.

So now I plan on having 'my revenge' at the relationship forum to let the poster know that she was wrong in saying that he was interested but now he no longer was interested.

Okay I'm not really vengeful but it would be funny to post about it.

I let him know that I would like to meet him again but since I am unemployed and have to watch my money, it would be awhile but I let him know that it's his turn to visit me. I think though that since he has told me he has been thinking for the past few years that he would like to leave England for Canada, he probably should be doing more visiting then me since I know I am not willing to move to England any time soon.

And so the drama unfolds...

I Hate Online Know-it-Alls

Greetings all,

I have written back that I hate Know-it-alls but now I officially hate Online Know-it-alls.

I am guessing KIA are like this because maybe they are insecure about their intelligence or insecure in general but they are still annoying to be around.

I was on some online forum where everyone supports each other about their relationship experiences. The people are all pretty much single women and not married women giving advice.

I had explained my current situation and asked for feedback on various things and I thought most people gave good responses but one woman starts to turn on me and basically says I am not listening to the advice. I of course get angry because I am listening. It was like this person was creating a problem that wasn't there - accusing me of not listening.

And how does one determine someone is not listening? Am I going to get quizzed at the end of this message?

I am taking a few days break from these dumb asses to calm down but another person was agreeing with her. I was listening and I don't understand their problem!

First of all, most of these women desire a long term relationship but none have achieved that so there is going to be some flaw in their advice (a happily married woman probably could give better advice or not but at least one could argue these women haven't achieved their goal therefore what do they know?)

This person on the board was withholding her opinion which was basically she thought this person I was interested in was no longer interested in me (which others already thought he was interested). This person was withholding because she didn't think I was listening so there was no point in saying her opinion.

So as I write out my situation here on my blog, I can see the absurdity of this person.

I call people like that "Spiritual Growth" Nazis but I wonder if it really is applicable. I call them that because they are pushing you to grow but really it's their ego at work.

I will tell you all about this person who I think is interested in me another day (this person showed me that there still was interest just after this forum incident).

I will have to get back on the forum to let this ignoramus know she was wrong.

I think we are all entitled to our opinions even if they are contrary but why would someone act that way?

But what disturbs me more is that I let it get to me. I share my experience and make myself vulnerable, only to have someone act like they have my best interest at heart but they really don't, and only want to be perceived as the relationship expert.

In real life, I'd avoid a KIA but I like going to that board and it's difficult to avoid this KIA but I think as long as I am conscious of what is going on, then maybe this dumbass won't get to me as much.

Cops Can Be So Ignorant!

Greetings,

Today I was in my apartment, job hunting in the afternoon. There are 2 door entrances you can exit. I had to run a quick errand and went using the North door in my building to access the parking lot.

There is only one driveway to get out and as I made my way to the exit in my car, I saw a cop car blocking the driveway. If I had exited in the South door, I would have seen them and told them to move. I thought how ignorant of them to be blocking the only driveway we have to get out of here. They could have parked on the street and not have been so ignorant.

Well I honked my horn at them. I am not afraid of cops and frankly find many of them arrogant and many have an entitlement mentality. Like they think you should fear them because they have 'power'.

I do not have fear for people who abuse their power like that. I felt these cops were abusing their power by blocking the driveway. They were just sitting there for no reason.

The one cop comes out and starts giving me attitude because I honked at them. He accused me of having road rage. I didn't appreciate him overreacting to my honking. He expected that I get out of my car and tell them politely.

That is BS!

The cop shouldn't have taken my honking personally but as a common signal from one driver to another, to get out of the way.

I took down his name and he gave me his badge #. His attitude already put me in defensive mode. This is my territory and they were in the way for no legitimate reason only because they were too lazy to park on the street.

I also didn't appreciate him saying I have road rage because I am actually a calm and laid back driver.

He proceeded to tell me that a man fell out of the window (there are only 3 stories and a basement in my building) and that there were ambulances. I didn't hear any sort of that nonesense going on and either that person attempted suicide or he was 'pushed' out because this building has no balconies. He clearly was trying to guilt trip me and make me feel bad but doing that kind of psychological abuse doesn't usually work on me.

If there an ambulance blocking the driveway, I probably would have not honked because ambulances usually don't have this power mentality that I find cops tend to have and usually they are busy working and not taking the easy way like these cops were doing as they clearly could have been parked on the street. Their job did not require that they block this driveway.

I will complain to the police department about the arrogance of this cop because his partner yelled at me as well for honking. Talk about childish! Afraid of a civilian honking their horn? (personally I think cops like this are weak on the inside and only gravitate towards jobs like this so they automatically get this feeling of power and authority... people with real power are humble and do not feel the need to act tough to intimidate people, which I find many cops try to do)

I came back to my apartment after an hour and a half and these lazy jerks were still blocking the driveway. Clearly there was no need for them to be doing so, so it just proves that they were being lazy asses in the first place and they were just giving me attitude because I called them out on their laziness.

Where's the Work?

Greetings all,

I am still looking for a job and managed to have an interview last week. I don't know if I got the job so I am still looking. Where is the work? My Employment Insurance is running out in 2 weeks and I am getting desperate for work!

I hope something comes up soon as I may have to temp until I find a permanent job.

Yes I am in Love with Stewart Griffin

Greetings and Salutations,

I do not have cable and so I don't get to watch The Family Guy too often. I will usually check out an episode on my friend's tv when visiting (no I do go visit my friend because I like her not just to watch her tv).

But let me confess that there is something about Stewart that just makes me want to have his baby. Something about him just turns me on.

I found out that his character is gay, but that doesn't stop the love that I feel for him. He is the first gay person I actually desire romantically. You know how there are chicks out there who are just so darn drawn to gay men. I was never like that.

But now I am.

I think what makes me want him is his desire for World Domination. That is something I desire as well. Me and Stewie think alike and maybe that is why I love him and desire him so.

I know if Stewart and I were to hook up, it would be wrong because he is under age and that would be criminal. The fact that he is animated... well I think we could work around that.

But I would wait for Stewart. Mind you, I'd have something on the side and when he becomes a full adult, I would try to persuade him. I don't know if I'd be successful but I'd at least give it a whirl!

I just want to hold you and love you Stewart. Make love to you and tell you all my secret fears and my desires for World Denomination. And then we can eat ice cream with sprinkles - together.


Wouldn't we make a good couple?

Does Everything Happen for a Reason?

Greetings all,

I have always thought this expression was total bullshit and I still do. For some reason I cannot accept it. Things do happen but sometimes it is just random. I may have experienced a few serendipitous moments in my life but when things don't work out, I don't feel the need to constantly just say, everything happens for a reason.

Why do people always need to find some catchy expression to make sense of what goes on in their life? I mean, I guess for most people, it is a form of delusion. For me, I think I am comfortable accepting things as they are and instead of falsely comforting myself with trite expressions like 'everything happens for a reason', I just think 'whatever' or 'c'est la vie'.

What annoys me too is it gives people the license to just stay passive. I understand in life that we can't always press upon the universe for certain things when we want them - maybe they will occur at another time - but I also believe in being persistent and there is a fine line between being persistent and forcing things.

Sometimes I think people just say that as a way of giving up. Sometimes I find it justified but most of the times I don't.

For example, I had an appointment with someone and I had to cancel it due to a snowstorm. Does it make sense to say that this happened for a reason? It just happened and it was probably best for me to not venture out into the snow unless I had to. It just happened and common sense would dictate not to do anything that was potentially risky (i.e. driving during a snow storm for a non essential task). Why attribute meaning to a meaningless event? Who knows, maybe I missed out on something profound but no one will ever know.

* * *
I keep a blog because I like to express myself through writing. I am actually a little disappointed to learn that someone was reading my blog, not to hear my opinion and to read about what is going on in my life, but was only interested in satisfying their insecurity and was 'spying' on me, so to speak.

All I can say is that this person had a professional relationship to me and crossed the line and thus showed their own unprofessionalism.

If you run a business, then there may be people out there who do not appreciate or respect your services/work and that is their right. It is rather unprofessional to stalk them online and try to convince them otherwise that their business is sound and gets positive reviews.

I have blog patrol for a reason!

Life in the Big City

Greetings all,

Well I have been here in Toronto for just over a month and I think I am settling in well. I am looking for work still and hopefully something will come up soon.

I will be taking a workshop on doing a one person show so maybe that is a possible route for me to go. I just have so many comedy ideas and am trying new stuff that I am not sure which direction to go. It's just so hard being a comic genius!

I have managed to get over my fear of riding the TTC streetcar. For some reason I just was scared to get on it but one day I got over it and took it down to the Eaton Center so that I can indulge myself in Pretzel Maker goodness!

I managed to take my parents to the CN Tower on Monday as my dad has never been there and he has lived in this country for 42 years!

I haven't done too much sight seeing yet and I have 4 months to do touristy type activities. I have to be in a certain mood to do tourist stuff and frankly I am not there yet. There are some museums and other things I would like to see during the summer.

I haven't gone clubbing yet although I think I have been to a dance club here once a while ago.

I still think Barcelona is my favourite Big City. I have been to Vancouver, Toronto, Chicago, Paris, London and Barcelona but I think I liked the vibe of Barcelona the best.

Getting Old

Greetings all,

Being 30 thus far has not been good. I have been going through a lot of inner emotional transformation and frankly I would like for it to just hurry it up! I had a karmic astrology reading done over a month ago and I learned about certain planets in my chart that are in retrograde, which means those are things I have to relearn or redo. So I happen to be retrograde in Saturn, which is the planet of lessons or also known as Father Time or the Lord of Karma (although from an anthroposophical perspective, the new Lord of Karma is Christ).

I am not too much into astrology but I met this woman and she studied and learned about astrology from a karmic point of view and I liked that since I do believe in karma. I also am still going through the Saturn Return, which basically means my Saturn is back to where it started (my Saturn sign is Virgo) and it's going to be there until October.

Here is some info about the Saturn Return (since I am too lazy to explain it) that I copied as an explanation:

"The Saturn Return is a wake-up call, and this is why so many fear it's sobering realities. If you've spent your twenties in a fog, coasting on your youthful charm, it becomes obvious that your foundation is too flimsy for the long haul. When you're young, there seems infinite time to decide what you want to be "when you grow up." Well, Father Time swoops down as you're nearing 30 to say, you're all grown up now, pick a path."

Continuing on:
"The Saturn return brings with it the pressure of time, and often the first awareness of your own mortality. You take stock of what it would take to achieve those big dreams, and often a sense of dread at ever getting there. But happily, it's a time when things like disciplne, focus and clear-sight come in to give you a kind of pragmatic hope. You'll figure out what's still possible, and make the changes necessary to get on track.

It's a crossroads period, when life-altering decisions are made."

And finally:
"The Saturn return often creates a crisis that puts you face-to-face with your fears. And many of these have deep roots in your psyche, but they're also about living up to societal expectations. Saturn causes a mini earthquake to the foundations, and this enables you to shake off what's not really You."

I think I have been going through this and I think I am making progress, although my life is not as together as I would like it to be but I think at least I am on the right path and have made some fairly decent decisions but also made some stupid costly mistakes.

My life feels like a mess. I guess the concept of mess is all relative.

I do feel deep down that I do have to get this life right. This life is my chance for redemption and if I can at least make my goals a reality and gain the spiritual and material wealth that I desire, then I will feel better about whatever royal fuck ups I have done in this life or past lives.

I don't believe in making oneself feel bad about the past. The whole point is to learn, move on and never do it again.

Since I practice mantra, there happens to be mantras that can be used to help alleviate any potential negative planetary alignments. Although I was not really into this idea, I can believe that it is possible. We're all in the same planetary system, why wouldn't planets have some sort of spiritual/energetic effect on us?

I've worked with a Saturn mantra a couple of years ago because I heard about the Saturn Return concept. I thought that I probably didn't need to work on that since I give it a chance but I read that you can chant it each time it changes signs, which is every 2.5 years. I figure since it is retrograde in my chart, then I probably should take this mantra more seriously because I would like to learn the lessons I have set up for myself in this lifetime.

While I have tried to live my life honestly, there are parts of me that have kept me from being my real and authentic self and I have been working on shedding and letting go of that which no longer serves me but it can be too much at times.

* * *
I know I am getting old because I now start to get tired around 9-10 pm whereas before I could stay out later and not yawn.

* * *
I know I am getting old because I now feel like I can no longer engage in random sex (although never really was like that). But now I am insisting on having feelings for the person. It makes me worry that if I do end up getting married, we possibly may get divorced in my 40s (either due to me becoming bored, or my mate not growing or my mate or myself undergoing some weird midlife crisis thing) and then I'll end up being some middle aged sex crazed woman who ends up becoming a cougar.

I haven't sowed too many oats but I think I've sowed enough but you know sometimes you underestimate yourself.

My one fear is to be that person that gets married and in their 40s has some crisis or their partner has a crisis and they end up divorced. I am hoping that I'm not too naive in wanting to actually be with someone until 'death do we part'.

Independence Day

Greetings all,

Today I was talking to my mother. I usually call my parents a few times a week or my mother will phone me. I moved out of my parents back in August 2007 but today I think was the day my mother officially realized something profound, that many empty nesters eventually come to realize.

I was telling her what I was up to and then she said to me that I don't need her anymore. She has come to realize that I am independent and that I can take care of myself.

I think this is a good sign because now we can consciously have an adult relationship with each other, not based on me needing her but as adults.

I told her (I am a bit twisted) that she now should end her life because she has nothing going for her. Plus it will entitle me to some inheritance money and I sure could use some money.

Today shall henceforth be known as Independence Day as it marks the day my mother has acknowledged that I am Independent and no longer need my parents.

Fuck Men!

Greetings and Salutations,

Alright, let's get real. The title of this blog is basically pointing out my frustration with men so this is not going to be a pretty post. Basically I have ranted a bit about relationships but this will involve more ranting and the frequent use of the word Fuck and Fucking.

I went out to a meetup group last night for single ladies. Of course, what usually ends up happening is at some point we have a conversation about men and dating. Some bitterness is expressed and a general feeling of not understanding men occurs.

I've read some relationship books and so I feel I have some knowledge about men. Plus I have socialized with men and have men friends. I think I have some understanding that men are basically alot more simpler then women.

I'm just angry because men are fucking stupid sometimes. Sure we are told women are the emotional ones but really the reality is men are fucking stupid when it comes to emotions and it takes a real men to get this concept of emotional intelligence.

Men run away from a good woman out of fear and then come back after months. Does that make sense? Maybe in a man's world but not for a woman.

I'm angry because being a woman is probably a million times harder then being a man. We have to worry about looking attractive. We have to have babies within a certain time frame and we hear our biological clocks ticking. Men don't fucking have that feeling at all and it creates a real drive within a woman. Men can make babies when they are in their 70s for fuck sakes! Men don't have periods. Men can fucking leave a baby behind and not have the responsibility of raising it (although some women have abandoned their children but percentage wise, it's usually the men in the majority and the women a minority)

Men, here is an important message in case you haven't figured it out:
You have it fucking easy. Grow up already!

I saw there was a meetup group for men to understand women. I messaged the organizer because I think that's a good step for men. How many fucking women make the effort to get to understand men? Plenty, let me say. I wonder why many men actually make the effort to understand women (as people not just as something to sexually take advantage of)?

To me, men just all seem to be busy focusing on work, playing their stupid video games or racing or watching/playing sports to actually take the time to assess women. It really makes me wonder if they actually think about the people that they care about because on the surface it just doesn't really look it since men always seemed more preoccupied with THINGS rather then their interactions with PEOPLE, unless of course it involves the use of a technological gadget like texting on a Blackberry.

Basically men are just boys.

Anyways, I have read and heard about men complaining about how easy it is to be a woman but really it isn't for reasons I have discussed. That is just basically men being childish. Women haven't even been recognized as humans in many countries until the late 1800s or early 1900s. Women still aren't even recognized as humans in many countries and cultures. Men have always been recognized as humans. You've always run the show and caused a lot of trouble resulting in murders, destruction and violence. Some of you have evolved enough to realize that that is wrong.

I try to see things from the male perspective and so I can understand a bit from how they see things. But I basically think men have to put more effort into relationships and understanding women. It's just not about bringing home the bacon anymore since women now can do that and can take care of themselves financially.

But relationships are two way streets. Women can't be expected to do all the work and to learn about men. Men it's time you stepped up to the plate.

And have the fucking balls to admit when you are wrong about something or are not being honest with a woman about your fears. It's childish!

* * *
I understand that as a woman, I have my own biases towards relationships and may have difficulty taking a broader perspective simply because I am on Team Estrogen. I understand that on some level most men and women want the same thing, which is basically love, a supporting partner and sex. Come on you'd be lying if you didn't want to admit you want sex as well!

* * *
I am also tired of the single life and many people probably think it's great to be single. People think I have so much freedom. It's not great because I think for most people it's a basic human desire and need to want a companion and it is very frustrating to be looking and not finding someone who 'fits'. Then all them fucking idiots who are happy in relationships throw out stupid cliches to make you feel better like "you're better off being alone" or "you'll find someone when you stop looking"

FUCK OFF!
Those statements are all total bullshit! A good man isn't just going to come to my apartment.
"Hey I'm Jack, are you Paula, cause I got this message that you were my soulmate and I was also given your address, how convenient and kind of the universe!"

That never FUCKING happens!

It's a lot of work to go out and date people and to search for someone and it's annoying because there are some people who find someone who is right for them so much sooner and it's just doesn't seem fair to me.
It's like always being passed over for a promotion. You know you've got the goods and the skills and you just don't understand why you are not advancing.

Being single is painful, whether people want to admit it.
I am for the most part secure in who I am and have a certain level of self love and respect for myself but you can feel this pain when you are at parties and you are surrounded by couples.

But I feel the pain the most when I go to bed at night and fall asleep in my bed with no one next to me. There is an obvious lack that I feel that many couples take for granted.

Couples take what they have for granted and then trivialize the whole Single experience for us with their trite expressions. Maybe you think you are showing sympathy but you are really showing insensitivity.

This world basically boils down to the Haves and Have Nots.

You couples are in the Haves category whereas the Singles are in the Have Nots. People who have money and good jobs are in the Haves category whereas those who are poor are in the Have Nots. People with great health are in the Haves category. The sick and infirm are in the Have Nots. Doesn't it make more sense to appreciate what you have if you are in the Haves category and to stop patronizing those in the Have Nots category?

Stop complaining about your mates because there is obviously something that drew you to them in the first place. Don't talk about how hard it is to have someone. It's harder to NOT have someone. If you don't like your mate, leave!

Stop having your fucking affairs. Can't you just appreciate what you have instead of going after other single people. Leave the singles for the singles. Don't take more of what you already have. It's selfish.

* * *
I think this is what it boils down to.

We humans are by nature social creatures. Here this topic of singleness gets trivialized because no one really wants to admit that Men need Women and Women need Men. And not need in the sense that they make us happy because that's not true at all. We are all individuals and thus are responsibility for our individual happiness but part of happiness includes having co-operative relationships with people, such as friends or colleagues or a mate.

Purpose vs Lawfulness

Greetings all,

I watched a few weeks ago a movie staring Wayne Dyer entitled "Ambition to Meaning (Finding your Life's Purpose)". I thought it was an interesting movie but Dyer has made one of the many common errors that Rudolf Steiner talks about in Chapter 11 of Philosophy of Freedom. Since I was just completing that chapter for my online You Tube project, I had that concept on my mind. This chapter is about Purpose and in Steiner's day (which it still seems to be alive and well now) people believed that things had a purpose. Like animals served a purpose or things were created for a purpose. Steiner's argument was that Purpose could only be applied to the field of human action. So if I decide to go to school, that is my purpose. Whatever one has for an intention, they create purpose through their actions.

Dyer makes the huge error when in the movie he states that an acorn has a purpose. In Chapter 11, Steiner refers to that as Lawfulness. So what people typically assign as Purpose, in reality it is Lawfulness. The chapter is super short and so I recommend reading it because that is really the whole point in that chapter.

Dyer creates this whole world view based on this idea. Although I like some of what I saw in the movie, I am a firm believer in forming clear and precise concepts and here he uses the word Purpose incorrectly. It is in fact Lawfulness.

The world is not necessarily purposeful. What we perceive in the world is Lawfulness. That things have a certain order and structure and laws. That is not Purpose and much like what Steiner said, Purpose is only applicable to human action.

Steiner also talked about how the scientists in those days felt we had to understand the Purpose of nature and of the things within the world to truly know it but we do not.

Today I came across a podcast that basically used this false concept of Purpose. It can be found at: https://www.sciam.com/podcast/episode.cfm?id=why-people-believe-what-they-do-09-04-10&sc=WR_20090415&posted=1

I listened to half of it and the purpose of these experiments was to understand people's thought processes. The psychologist really did not make sense because she said at one point they conducted experiments where they asked people questions like "Why does it rain?" or "Why do owls have big eyes" to see how they answer it. One of her statements was owls have big eyes to see better, etc but I was quickly reminded of how Steiner talked about how scientists (this bitch was no high quality scientist BTW... what I call an intellectual poser!) would confuse Purpose with Lawfulness.

The first problem with this woman's argument was why even ask people these questions? There really is no answer and it forces people to make up some stupid answer when we all know the real answer is "I don't know" because no one really knows and it really is IRRELEVANT in our search for knowledge. Does it matter why an owl's eye is large? Just study it for god's sake. Why does it rain? It just does, does knowing why it rains help me with understanding the process, Fuck no! Do you think these people will honestly answer that? No they will BS their way because no one likes to be perceived as STUPID. Ms. Lombrozo, you of all people should know that.

Secondly, as a scientist, you do not study the WHY but the HOW, the process. You just study and observe and create experiments. Whether an owl has big eyes and if it helps them to see better is irrelevant of a connection. There are plenty of species out there with small eyes and great vision. Again, no co-relation but because the 'scientist' is insistent that things have a purpose, they make these false leaps in knowledge.

I believe this woman's argument is based on the faulty use of the idea of Purpose and thus is forming poor scientific data and conclusions.

Again this woman's field is psychology which is concerned with the WHY of human behaviour and she has falsely carried that over into the field of science. Science, however, does not care about the Why. It just studies things as they are. It doesn't need to know the purpose of things. The question why is really only used to help understand a process better but sometimes asking the question why just gets in the way and leads to nowhere, especially when trying to figure out the purpose of things that we ourselves did not create.

The whole reason she is confusing Purpose with Lawfulness is because her field is psychology and not science, and psychology deals with human action and it is considered okay to apply Purpose to many things as long as it pertains to human action.

I just have been noticing lately thanks to working on my Steiner project, how people are creating these false world views based on this simple confusion between Purpose and Lawfulness.

Who said a man who lived from 1867-1925 was still irrelevant??!!

Vonage Review/Testimony/Complaint/Warning

Greetings and Salutations,

I am posting about my experience with Vonage, a digital phone company. I recently canceled my service with them and I ended up being charged a disconnect fee of $50 because I was to stay with them for 2 years (I think that is absurd anyways, I've never had a job that lasted for 2 years, how can you expect people to stay with you with the way our economy is?? 2 years is an unrealistic commitment!). I don't ever recall being properly communicated that I was to stay with them for 2 years. I also called them 3 times and initially asked them what their procedure was on disconnection as I had to disconnect my internet service and was notified that I have to give them a 30 days so I assumed there must be some similar process. I was told that I could just disconnect. I was not notified of the disconnect fee and the 2 year commitment.

I wrote them a letter complaining and basically demanding a refund of that fee because it was not properly communicated to me. My letter will discuss the rest of the story. I advise people to not sign up with companies like this, especially if they with hold knowledge about their procedures.

So as you can tell by now, I do not recommend Vonage. Their service may have been okay but they are liars and misleading. If I had known upfront that I was to stay with them for 2 years, I may not have signed up with them in the first place.

Here is my letter:
Hello,

I am requesting a credit because I believe I was inappropriately charged the $50 disconnect fee. I called your company 3 times and it wasn't until my 3rd call that I was notified I had to pay a disconnect fee. I only agreed to it because I was actually moving that day. The first time I called your company, I inquired about the disconnect procedure as I was moving and my internet provider had a policy that you have to give them 30 day notice and I had only given 2 weeks.

I was not told at that point about the disconnect fee and I was just told that I can disconnect whenever I wanted.

I feel I was misled and when I originally signed up with Vonage, I was not told about the 2 year commitment policy.

I also am inquiring about how recent this policy came into effect because it may have occurred after I became a customer and therefore I was improperly charged a disconnect fee.

The 2nd time I called your company to request a cancellation for the following day, I was not notified of the disconnect fee. I was also not properly communicated in my first call that if you disconnect you are calling in the actual day you want disconnected so I ended up having to call a 3rd time.

Communication towards your customer is absolutely key to running a successful company and a successful one is where the customers are given clear directions about the service that they are using.

I believe your company has much work to do to become truly successful and I feel the service I received was inadequate.

I am furious about this situation because I feel lied to and cheated. Therefore I expect a credit for the disconnect fee. I never would have left Vonage if I was properly notified that I had to stay for 2 years but by the time I was told about the disconnect fee, I had already gone with another phone service.

I will not be recommending your service and in fact will be posting on my facebook and blog about how misleading your company is and my experience with this company.

I look forward to receiving my credit.

Thanks
Paula


UPDATE:
June 1 2009
I am here to inform that I did get a refund for the Disconnection Fee, however, I only got it because I complained to the Better Business Bureau. I tried to explain to Vonage via email how I didn't think it was a fair charge for me to receive but they did not acknowledge their mistake and I requested this get dealt with at the management level, which did not happen.

Yes She Was a Bitch

Greetings and Salutations,

As mentioned I had roommate issues earlier on this year. We lived together from October 2007-January 2009. I received a call from her office on March 29. I never answered it because there is really nothing to be said.

I think it has taken a while for me to completely let go of my anger towards her. I was still having nightmares where she would be entering into my apartment and I felt violated.

I thought about taking her to court but I wonder if that would be of any use.

Basically living with her was like living with a clean freak drama queen bitch and it took me a while to realize it. I mean, I could sense something was a bit off with her. I guess mainly because I just considered her a roommate and basically expected that my furniture not get destroyed and that rent is paid on time.

I think if I were ever to live with someone, I'd want someone who was normal and basically who was not like her.

The truth is I was living with a bitch and I wish I was aware of it sooner. She had emotional issues and made the stupidest things bigger then they are but the problem with people like that is sometimes they start deluding you into believing their delusions. I was lucky enough that I was not too affected.

The night I changed the locks, I had taped her as one of my friends suggested I do. This recording she was coming after me and later on I realized I could have charged her with assault. I showed my one friend the video and then went to a show I was performing in. I had some friends show up and was going to show them the tape but it was not working. I was going to tape my set but couldn't as it wouldn't let me see the tape or tape on it.

Today I decided to try again but I could not and so I put in a new tape to record on and luckily it was working again. I somehow think the universe didn't want me to go around showing people that tape. I thought about posting it up on youtube as well but I guess that is not going to happen.

I have a lot of pride in who I am and I think I am still holding on to anger because in some way she has made me look like I am the bad guy, when in reality it was her with the issues.

All I can say is:
Jenn you are a bitch and I hope all the pain and hostility your created comes back to you. I cannot wish you ill will only that what you put out goes back to you. Being a bitch and a bully is no way to live.

Happy Easter

Greetings all,

Hope everyone is enjoying the long weekend. I slept over at my parents as I went over to see friends in Hamilton and thought I'd just stay the night for Easter.

I am bored. My parents are quite boring. I need intellectual discourse or I will go mad!

Feelings

Greetings and Salutations,

Over the years, because of my qigong, mantra and yoga (now doing Kundalini yoga) practices, I have been getting more in touch with my feelings. I think I had suppressed alot and thus tended to be more head oriented and over the years I am now starting to pay attention to my feelings instead of just doing what was rational and logical and I find that really hard.

I don't know if it's our society and education as well but feelings aren't really scientific and I guess for some time now I have been accepting them as legitimate things to acknowledge.

I think the truth is that your feelings give you information about whatever situation you are in as long as you learn how to read them and understand them. I wonder if schools are teaching children to be more conscious on their feelings because I think learning about how to handle and get in touch with one's feelings would have been something I would have liked to learn at a younger age.

Second Life

Greetings and Salutations,

I was watching at my friend's place last night a show by The Fifth Estate on CBC about the internet game Second Life, which is basically a game where people can create an online persona and create whatever life they want and actually have to pay money for various things.

They featured 4 people and they ended up getting married in the online game. One woman was married with 4 children and her husband was getting upset that she spent all this time online. Another was a man who was married as well.

The married woman ended up meeting the man she married online because she wanted to see if she was in love with the real man or if she was just in love with the fantasy. I felt sorry for her family because she ended up neglecting her children and husband and was more interested in her online life.

She spent more then 8 hours a day on it and she was fortunate her husband was able to financially support her.

I found myself annoyed with her because it was obvious that she was just a lonely housewife who had way too much free time on her hands and needed to actually develop a life for herself in the real world instead of escaping into this false world. She bought her online boyfriend an island, which costs $400. How nice it must be to have that kind of money to throw around!

The other person was some man who ended up marrying in real life the woman he married in the game and he left his wife in the real world. They interviewed the new wife and she seemed to me to be a bit emotionally dependent on him. She said that she knows it sounds cliche but she said he completes her. Now I'm sure being in love and finding the right person for you must feel wonderful and comforting but I don't know if I'd feel comfortable using those words 'he completes me'. That just disturbs me. I wonder if people who are happily married for more then 10 years actually feel like that. Have I been naively believing that only I make myself happy and that finding a mate, just adds to my own sense of happiness?

Anyways, she also ended up learning some of his interests, like shooting a pistol and motorcycle riding. I guess when couples get together, if they have different interests, you probably end up learning a bit about their own. She ended up leaving her kids to marry him but they never said how old they were and I think they were older. The man has been married before as well so I think he's one of those men that don't really grasp the concept that marriage is really supposed to be 'til death do you part'.

They should do a follow up show 8 years from now as I would like to see if they are still together, which I highly doubt.

I don't really know what it's like to play the game and how you actually get to know people, but from what I saw, it seemed like people couldn't help but get emotionally involved, whether they were aware of what was going on or not.

I'm sure there has to be some people who play it and don't get so emotionally involved and just see it as a game and have an actual life to worry about. I just think it's such a big waste of time though. Why not actually focus on making your real life better?

I know when Guitar Hero came out I thought it was stupid to play because I think you are better off playing a guitar in real life but I guess playing it in moderation is okay and it can be a fun experience on its own. I guess if you don't get too caught up in Second Life, it might not be such a bad thing but I think people need to realize it's just a game and what goes on in real life is much more important.

I think playing games is good for you but I might be hesitant to try a game like that. I had my phase early on in life where I spent alot of time in chat rooms and wanting to socialize with people but I find it's too time consuming and no friendships ever really stuck. I think you won't have any lasting relationships unless you actually meet in real life and get to talk, whether by phone or in person.

Settling In

Greetings and Salutations,

I am almost settled in to my new place and it is much smaller then my old apartment. My bedroom is probably half the size it used to be but my old bedroom was perhaps a bit too big for my liking.

I am glad that my internet is up and running. I went with some 3rd party company and so got my cable installed but my internet wasn't working and since I also got a digital phone, my phone wasn't working either. So I went down to my friend to use the internet and call up the service provider.

Most of my friends are in Hamilton and my other friend lives in Mississauga. I told her last night that she is my closest friend and she was said she didn't want that responsibility and thought I meant emotionally but I corrected her and said that I meant distance wise, you are the closest person to me. And I have another friend in Erin as well.

My movers were 2 hours late and I was upset about that. They also gave me a false quote over the phone and it ended up costing me then twice as much. I will be blogging about this some more and will go down to complain to them. That was just unacceptable!

It's weird but I didn't think I was one of those people that actually cared about my home and how I live but I found out that my stove doesn't have a clock, which surprised me that I didn't notice and I also can't put my dish towels on the stove handle like in my old place and now I have to put it on the fridge handle. And that disturbs me because it looks better hanging off the stove and not a fridge!

I figure this must be a good sign that I am a woman afterall since how many men would just pissed about that???

I also have to pay for my own hydro so now I am paranoid about how much power am I using. I've been charging my laptop all the time because the battery is pretty much dead but I am not ready to start using a new battery because I bought an extra one and I want to use it after having my computer for 3 years and I don't think I've had my computer that long. I plan on owning this laptop for at least 7 years and I know with my last laptop they ran out of batteries for my laptop so I always had to keep it plugged in so I'm just paranoid that it uses alot of energy. I use my computer alot as well, since I am addicted to Facebook and checking my email fairly regularly.

In my old place since hydro was included, I'd just turn on the lights and leave them on since I have this tendency to wonder in rooms and so I might do something in my bedroom and wonder down to the kitchen, only to decide I want fresh air.

Now I make sure to shut the lights!