Cleanin' Up

I was cleaning upstairs with my mom. She has so many magazines that she's kept over the years and I have a bit of stuff upstairs that I could have gotten rid of. I did some cleaning up this evening by myself and got rid of my notes from high school. I kept my report cards and a couple of assignments that I liked. I went through some of my notes and apparently we did study in religion class Judaism, Islam and Hinduism. I went to a Catholic school and I remember learning about Judaism but not the other 2 religions. I am surprised Buddhism wasn't covered. Perhaps it sounds a bit too nihilistic and maybe it would be too depressing for teenagers.

I decided to keep my notes from university, which I attended for one year. I am a bit attached to my university notes. How many other people keep their notes from high school or university?

I considered myself smart but until I took chemistry and physics, my confidence in my intelligence took a bit of a dive. I had to work really hard in physics and it still didn't make sense to me. We had grade 13 when I was in high school and I think for grade 11(or 12) and grade 13 I must have gotten 59% or 60% in physics which was the lowest grade I ever got in my entire life. I had an academic weakness and it was rawly exposed. I think to this day it still affects me to some degree. I hope that perhaps one day I will make a contribution to science, particularly the field of physics. I hope that by the time I hit my 40s, I will develop an interest in physics and then come up with some revolutionary theory. I'll be the physics underdog who makes a comeback.

I hope you appreciate my little nerd fantasy.

Calculus too also crippled my confidence as well. I was always good in math and in elementary school was always a top performer. In many of the tests we were given, I would get 100% and most of the time was the top student in my class for math. In high school I would do well. Not necessarily the top student but usually got above 85%.

I have wounds from high school. I had academic wounds, social wounds and romantic wounds. I think I am over my social wounds but I think the academic wounds still linger. Growing up I always had faith and confidence in my academic ability but in high school there were a few courses that I didn't excel at and were quite a struggle. My faith in my intelligence was being chipped away at.

Physics was the first class I actually had to ask my teacher for help. I am usually someone who likes to figure things out on my own. I had to get over my pride in asking for help.

Life is about moving on and letting go. So I hope that getting rid of my notes signals to my subconscious that it is time to completely purify myself of these past experiences, whether they were were positive or negative and move on.