Becoming Atheist

Greetings all,

I am starting to have these moments where I don't believe in god. I am sure I've had these moments when I was in my 20s and I think even when I was younger, I was never really convinced god existed but I feel myself almost wanting to declare outright I just don't believe in god.

I've been an anthroposophist since my 20s but even though the spiritual ideas were stimulating and nourishing, I still don't think I was convinced in the existence of god.

A part of me just wants to either know if one exists.

I've had my dark days and turned to things like journaling or my kundalini yoga and that makes me feel better but it doesn't make me experience god or I am not comforted by god. I do believe kundalini yoga is helpful in trying to access your inner reserves but this in no way indicates god exists.

I think I am disappointed in god, if there is such a thing. I just don't get all these problems in the world. And what about justice?

I guess it's okay that I don't need to take a side but I'd like to know one way or another.

I've been temporarily living with my parents and some days I am home on the weekdays and my mother watches some religious show where they are praying the rosary. Some times I just think my mother is nuts. I myself am guilty of chanting but sometimes I feel like she is too religious because sometimes praying is not enough. I think for me, I chant because it controls the mind and supposedly can put you in a better 'frequency' with your intention.