Greetings all,
I did Laughter Yoga for the first time tonight. It was something I've been meaning to try. Basically you are guided through various activities where you are forcing yourself to laugh. The theory is that your body can't tell the difference between a fake laugh and a real laugh so either way, laughing is good for you. Forcing laughter generates real laughter. For me I didn't find that happening. In my own life yes sometimes forcing a smile makes me smile but I felt this whole one hour was forced so it didn't make me genuinely laugh. It was much too long.
I thought I would like it, but I just found it creepy. I've been doing improv for over 10 years and this laughter yoga had some similarities but it felt very contrived and actually odd. I prefer doing improv over this to laugh and have a good time. We introduced ourselves by saying our name and than laughing. There was one guy who has been tried to be a laughter yoga leader and he was quite the extrovert and overall annoying because he'd be talking back to the instructor. I think he was just being his extroverted self but I felt he was being disruptive. It just didn't jive with me.
There was one guy who also was trained to be a leader and he laughed so much. I think he had a good laugh but it just made me wonder. I forced myself to laugh but at the same time, I felt myself retreating inside my own head. It was just weird!
At the end they have us lie down in a circle where our heads are in the middle and we were to laugh for 10 minutes. I found it hard to laugh that long and probably after 3 minutes, my laughter was so fake and my jaw started to hurt as well because of my wisdom teeth. I think I took a break from the laughing because at that point it was annoying!
One of the games we did was to double high 5 someone and say 'your alright', although at some point I wanted to say 'you're awesome' because that's what I tell myself.
We also played some game where we were mud slinging and than we had to hug each other because the mud covers what we look like and so we are all the same. Again, it seemed really contrived to me.
I don't think I'd want to go back. It wasn't my thing and I prefer improv. Laughter yoga is like the creepy older uncle of Improv. The games aren't really that fun like in improv and it just seems like a lot of forced laughter. At least for me, I'm not a believer in forcing things and I think that takes away from the humour. I feel like I'm in that fake laughter mode and hopefully I'll get out of it. My qigong practice makes me feel good for the most part and I feel pretty happy in life because of it. I don't feel I am repressed. I guess laughter yoga isn't for me. It just was too creepy and I'm definitely one not afraid to step out of my comfort zone so if I find something creepy, it usually is because it is since I am not one that gets creeped out too easily.
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Thursday, April 24, 2014
Why Be Hatin' on Hello Kitty?
Greetings all,
A friend of mine on facebook posted Avril Lavigne's new video Hello Kitty. Lots of people complained how awful the song and video is but I think these people don't understand that it probably was made to be a silly video. Why do regular people forget that these people are artists and sometimes just want to put together a silly and funny video, without it necessarily having to be amazing?
I actually like it and think it's very colourful. I find it funny too. Many people were overreacting and called her a racist but it wasn't racist at all. The asian back up dancers were just like dolls and it made sense. I don't get the hate but it reminded me of how my favourite Canadian musician did a similar music video but he wasn't criticized because he's not terribly famous. He spent a lot of time touring in Japan and other Asian countries so he probably got influenced by their culture. I think Avril probably had the same experience and wanted to do something based on her own time there. It's not racism but it just goes to show, people want to be miserable and unhappy. If you don't like the song, don't listen or watch it. I'm not an Avril fan, I find her annoying at times but I can relate to how artists are and where their thinking is coming from since I used to do improv and comedy and am creative so I can relate to just wanting to be experimental. Avril has proven herself and has been in the industry for a long time. She can do what she wants!
I can like a song even though the artist is not a favourite but I guess other people are more intolerant and once you don't like an artist, you just don't like them at all.
The other thing is the public doesn't like when artists branch out to do new things or try different sounds or looks. They bitch how they want the old musician back. People want the old Avril in her beginning but even when she came out, people hated on her and complained how her image is all manufactured. People say they liked her back then but even back then they didn't. They just liked her old image when they see this new one.
Artists are meant to explore different styles and looks and people shouldn't get so upset about it. I like the video due to its silliness. At the end of the day, it's just a video and people need to chill out.
Hawksley's We Dance to Yesterday:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CeJdIuAYpHY
Avril's Hello Kitty:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gkY3Quj8BSA
A friend of mine on facebook posted Avril Lavigne's new video Hello Kitty. Lots of people complained how awful the song and video is but I think these people don't understand that it probably was made to be a silly video. Why do regular people forget that these people are artists and sometimes just want to put together a silly and funny video, without it necessarily having to be amazing?
I actually like it and think it's very colourful. I find it funny too. Many people were overreacting and called her a racist but it wasn't racist at all. The asian back up dancers were just like dolls and it made sense. I don't get the hate but it reminded me of how my favourite Canadian musician did a similar music video but he wasn't criticized because he's not terribly famous. He spent a lot of time touring in Japan and other Asian countries so he probably got influenced by their culture. I think Avril probably had the same experience and wanted to do something based on her own time there. It's not racism but it just goes to show, people want to be miserable and unhappy. If you don't like the song, don't listen or watch it. I'm not an Avril fan, I find her annoying at times but I can relate to how artists are and where their thinking is coming from since I used to do improv and comedy and am creative so I can relate to just wanting to be experimental. Avril has proven herself and has been in the industry for a long time. She can do what she wants!
I can like a song even though the artist is not a favourite but I guess other people are more intolerant and once you don't like an artist, you just don't like them at all.
The other thing is the public doesn't like when artists branch out to do new things or try different sounds or looks. They bitch how they want the old musician back. People want the old Avril in her beginning but even when she came out, people hated on her and complained how her image is all manufactured. People say they liked her back then but even back then they didn't. They just liked her old image when they see this new one.
Artists are meant to explore different styles and looks and people shouldn't get so upset about it. I like the video due to its silliness. At the end of the day, it's just a video and people need to chill out.
Hawksley's We Dance to Yesterday:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CeJdIuAYpHY
Avril's Hello Kitty:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gkY3Quj8BSA
Losing My Wisdom
Greetings all,
Yesterday I got my last 2 wisdom teeth taken out. I had my top 2 taken out about 12 years ago. On my right side, my tooth was starting to erupt and had managed to become visible. I had been wanting it out for the past 6 months but because I got busy with school, it was difficult to schedule a day for a consultation.
I wasn't sure about getting my left tooth out because it was below the surface but I figure I should get them both out because I am on a student dental plan so might as well take advantage of it as who knows if the left tooth will ever cause me trouble down the road.
My right tooth would sometimes give me pain as I could feel it when it was pushing through my gums. It was more of a nuisance pain. I was rather happy getting the surgery yesterday. I'm not sure what other patients are like but they kept saying I was doing good. Are they just saying that or am I really a good patient? I was just on the local anesthesia and not the laughing gas. For the most part I was fine although there was some times where it hurt a bit.
They worked on my left side first as that required more work. They had to drill a bit on my right and made incisions but I thought it would have been easier to remove that one since it was already coming out. It took maybe a bit longer than I expected.
My left cheek is very swollen now and I hope it goes down soon but they said it would take about 3 days. I am putting ice on it but I don't know if that is helping.
I have an antibiotic to take and also percacet (not sure of spelling) and ibruprofen. I also have a mouth rinse to use. I don't think I've ever used so many drugs in my life.
I have one more exam to worry about but I don't think my surgery will impact my studying. I am going to study a bit today and hopefully get focused solely on this exam over the next few days
Yesterday I got my last 2 wisdom teeth taken out. I had my top 2 taken out about 12 years ago. On my right side, my tooth was starting to erupt and had managed to become visible. I had been wanting it out for the past 6 months but because I got busy with school, it was difficult to schedule a day for a consultation.
I wasn't sure about getting my left tooth out because it was below the surface but I figure I should get them both out because I am on a student dental plan so might as well take advantage of it as who knows if the left tooth will ever cause me trouble down the road.
My right tooth would sometimes give me pain as I could feel it when it was pushing through my gums. It was more of a nuisance pain. I was rather happy getting the surgery yesterday. I'm not sure what other patients are like but they kept saying I was doing good. Are they just saying that or am I really a good patient? I was just on the local anesthesia and not the laughing gas. For the most part I was fine although there was some times where it hurt a bit.
They worked on my left side first as that required more work. They had to drill a bit on my right and made incisions but I thought it would have been easier to remove that one since it was already coming out. It took maybe a bit longer than I expected.
My left cheek is very swollen now and I hope it goes down soon but they said it would take about 3 days. I am putting ice on it but I don't know if that is helping.
I have an antibiotic to take and also percacet (not sure of spelling) and ibruprofen. I also have a mouth rinse to use. I don't think I've ever used so many drugs in my life.
I have one more exam to worry about but I don't think my surgery will impact my studying. I am going to study a bit today and hopefully get focused solely on this exam over the next few days
Sunday, April 20, 2014
Gyppity Gypped Gyopped
Greetings all,
For one of my courses, we have an online forum where we can ask the instructors questions and our peers or the instructors answer them.
For my one course, we got a new instructor after reading week. The last class before reading week, our prof at the time never showed up for class. Most students stuck around for a bit but after 30 minutes, people started leaving and so did I as next door at the Part Time student union, they were offering free massages and they happened to have a free spot. Free massage or wait for a prof that may not come? I made the obvious choice.
Last week, I think I sent a private post to the person who runs this course and I asked if we get a make up class or something because we 'got gypped out of a class'. Apparently my school is very PC and the prof said I was being insensitive and frankly that really hurt my feelings because it implied I was a racist, which I am not.
First of all, I know the 'gypsies' do not like to be called 'gypsies'. They are now officially known as 'Roma'. Okay fine. If that's what you guys want to be called now, fine, I don't care. They are just words, they don't really mean anything. It's just a label. Just like being Italian is a label. It really doesn't mean anything in the grand scheme of things.
I posted a question on my facebook saying something about when did the word 'gypped' become PC and one of the female alphas from my improv community in Hamilton commented on it and basically seemed to be rude about it. Again, implying I was some racist. If she didn't like what I asked, there are other more effective ways to make a point without coming off as antagonistic (I don't think this person realizes that she comes off that way sometimes, mainly when she disagrees with my opinion. I am a sensitive person so pick up the emotionality of people very quickly. I would not classify her as a rational debater, rather more of an emotional debater).
Wouldn't it be politically incorrect for me to say I got Roma-ed? Or I got Rom-ed?
This blog will now be about how I don't agree with this banning of words bullshit. I am very anti political correctedness and this does not make me a racist. I consider myself a realist and feel that banning words really does not address the issue of racism. In fact, I think it white washes the real issue. Do you honestly think that banning a word or making a word taboo is going to eliminate racist behaviour? Because if that were true, we wouldn't have discrimination anymore.The Roma people would be respected, the black community wouldn't be automatically stereotyped as criminals and gay people would be able to get married in the US and all over the world.
Am I saying it's okay to use words that may offend people? No but I'm offering a more realistic perspective.
We need to start examining people's tone and intention when they speak. We can't just assume someone is being racist just because they use a word. You can be a racist without using racist or derogatory words. I think probably the biggest issue I have with banning words or being so anal about people's use of words that may not be the best is that it really ignores the fact that it's not actually words that communicate the message, it's the tone, it's the emotionality, it's the intention. As I said, you can have the most closed minded and ignorant mentality and yet use the most beautiful words. It's all how you say things and the actions you take towards people that speak volumes. Or it's your lack of words (eg read my blogs about aimee buxton who totally embodies this quality) and your body language that conveys your racist attitude towards people. You can be a racist and an asshole without saying a single world to someone! One of the biggest things I learned in my Catholic school days was there was a type of sin called Sins of Omission which basically where sins where you didn't take action when you could of, think of the Good Samaritan and the people before him who didn't bother helping out the person that was in need, but his so called enemy, the Samaritan, saved his life. So you can ignore people and demonstrate that your racist because you're just too good to talk to them. But no one would call you racist if you actually never said anything. You're deemed not racist, which we all know is not the truth of the situation.
I'm a blood donor and if a 'gypsy' needed my blood, I wouldn't object. I'm not a racist and if I ever saw a Roma person who needed genuine help, their cultural background isn't going to impact my decision on whether I would help them.
I'm sorry but I am not going to stop using the word 'gypped'. I see no harm in it and if people want to be offended, that's there business.
I know in Pakistan, calling someone a Paki is common and not racist but in North America, it's considered racist. Again, words in and of themselves have no meaning. We ascribe the meaning. Clearly when I made this comment in the forum for my course, there was no attack towards anyone.
I have another example of over PC behaviour at my school. There is a regular Thursday afternoon coffee discussion gathering. I thought I would check it out. When I was there, I realized everyone seemed...well gay. When they started the topic discussion about Positive Space, I realized this was a group for gay people. Positive Space are these logos that are plastered all over the school that are safe places for gay students. For me, I actually don't like them because as a straight person, it makes me feel like I'm not wanted. I kept quiet the whole time but I wanted to speak out on some of their issues. I wanted to offer a straight person's perspective who isn't homophobic. There was one key topic that came up, I can't remember it now, I would have to check my journal as I think I wrote about it but I just wanted to tell them that they shouldn't give a shit what others think of their sexuality. I think lots of them felt insecure but they are all probably in their early 20s so most people feel insecure anyways at that age. Eventually as you get older, you realize most people don't care about your sexuality and are too self absorbed with their own life. Just be happy and be yourself.
The other comment that was brought up that irked me was how they were getting offended by how people use the word gay in a derogatory manner, like if someone wears something odd, they will say 'that's so gay'. I'm sorry but I remember the word 'queer' was highly derogatory and now they use that all the time and it's not. Gay used to mean happy.
The point is that the meaning of words change. This again proves my point in a logical manner that words in and of themselves have no meaning. It's the meaning we give it. And words can have multiple meanings.
I think the bottom line is this reaffirms my theory that people just want to be offended. People cannot just be happy and let people be. They have to find something to be offended by, even it really has no direct impact on them. People have been very hurtful to me and as an Italian, there are lots of racist attitudes I have experienced but because I am white, it doesn't really matter.
I think people just get so caught up in these little details and I am a big picture person. I look at the big picture and that's why most things don't upset me. I think if people weren't so reactive about being PC, we may as a society be able to become more progressive because we are giving people the opportunity to express themselves, rather than banning words and giving ourselves a false sense that we are eliminating the problem by simple not using a very small percentage of words.
For me, I just have a different world view from this prof. I believe more that's important to have free speech. Usually these PC people are obsessed about hurting people's feelings but for me, that's not something I value too much because I value freedom of speech more. Doesn't mean I don't care about people's feelings, it's just that freedom is my highest value and something I will protect.
For one of my courses, we have an online forum where we can ask the instructors questions and our peers or the instructors answer them.
For my one course, we got a new instructor after reading week. The last class before reading week, our prof at the time never showed up for class. Most students stuck around for a bit but after 30 minutes, people started leaving and so did I as next door at the Part Time student union, they were offering free massages and they happened to have a free spot. Free massage or wait for a prof that may not come? I made the obvious choice.
Last week, I think I sent a private post to the person who runs this course and I asked if we get a make up class or something because we 'got gypped out of a class'. Apparently my school is very PC and the prof said I was being insensitive and frankly that really hurt my feelings because it implied I was a racist, which I am not.
First of all, I know the 'gypsies' do not like to be called 'gypsies'. They are now officially known as 'Roma'. Okay fine. If that's what you guys want to be called now, fine, I don't care. They are just words, they don't really mean anything. It's just a label. Just like being Italian is a label. It really doesn't mean anything in the grand scheme of things.
I posted a question on my facebook saying something about when did the word 'gypped' become PC and one of the female alphas from my improv community in Hamilton commented on it and basically seemed to be rude about it. Again, implying I was some racist. If she didn't like what I asked, there are other more effective ways to make a point without coming off as antagonistic (I don't think this person realizes that she comes off that way sometimes, mainly when she disagrees with my opinion. I am a sensitive person so pick up the emotionality of people very quickly. I would not classify her as a rational debater, rather more of an emotional debater).
Wouldn't it be politically incorrect for me to say I got Roma-ed? Or I got Rom-ed?
This blog will now be about how I don't agree with this banning of words bullshit. I am very anti political correctedness and this does not make me a racist. I consider myself a realist and feel that banning words really does not address the issue of racism. In fact, I think it white washes the real issue. Do you honestly think that banning a word or making a word taboo is going to eliminate racist behaviour? Because if that were true, we wouldn't have discrimination anymore.The Roma people would be respected, the black community wouldn't be automatically stereotyped as criminals and gay people would be able to get married in the US and all over the world.
Am I saying it's okay to use words that may offend people? No but I'm offering a more realistic perspective.
We need to start examining people's tone and intention when they speak. We can't just assume someone is being racist just because they use a word. You can be a racist without using racist or derogatory words. I think probably the biggest issue I have with banning words or being so anal about people's use of words that may not be the best is that it really ignores the fact that it's not actually words that communicate the message, it's the tone, it's the emotionality, it's the intention. As I said, you can have the most closed minded and ignorant mentality and yet use the most beautiful words. It's all how you say things and the actions you take towards people that speak volumes. Or it's your lack of words (eg read my blogs about aimee buxton who totally embodies this quality) and your body language that conveys your racist attitude towards people. You can be a racist and an asshole without saying a single world to someone! One of the biggest things I learned in my Catholic school days was there was a type of sin called Sins of Omission which basically where sins where you didn't take action when you could of, think of the Good Samaritan and the people before him who didn't bother helping out the person that was in need, but his so called enemy, the Samaritan, saved his life. So you can ignore people and demonstrate that your racist because you're just too good to talk to them. But no one would call you racist if you actually never said anything. You're deemed not racist, which we all know is not the truth of the situation.
I'm a blood donor and if a 'gypsy' needed my blood, I wouldn't object. I'm not a racist and if I ever saw a Roma person who needed genuine help, their cultural background isn't going to impact my decision on whether I would help them.
I'm sorry but I am not going to stop using the word 'gypped'. I see no harm in it and if people want to be offended, that's there business.
I know in Pakistan, calling someone a Paki is common and not racist but in North America, it's considered racist. Again, words in and of themselves have no meaning. We ascribe the meaning. Clearly when I made this comment in the forum for my course, there was no attack towards anyone.
I have another example of over PC behaviour at my school. There is a regular Thursday afternoon coffee discussion gathering. I thought I would check it out. When I was there, I realized everyone seemed...well gay. When they started the topic discussion about Positive Space, I realized this was a group for gay people. Positive Space are these logos that are plastered all over the school that are safe places for gay students. For me, I actually don't like them because as a straight person, it makes me feel like I'm not wanted. I kept quiet the whole time but I wanted to speak out on some of their issues. I wanted to offer a straight person's perspective who isn't homophobic. There was one key topic that came up, I can't remember it now, I would have to check my journal as I think I wrote about it but I just wanted to tell them that they shouldn't give a shit what others think of their sexuality. I think lots of them felt insecure but they are all probably in their early 20s so most people feel insecure anyways at that age. Eventually as you get older, you realize most people don't care about your sexuality and are too self absorbed with their own life. Just be happy and be yourself.
The other comment that was brought up that irked me was how they were getting offended by how people use the word gay in a derogatory manner, like if someone wears something odd, they will say 'that's so gay'. I'm sorry but I remember the word 'queer' was highly derogatory and now they use that all the time and it's not. Gay used to mean happy.
The point is that the meaning of words change. This again proves my point in a logical manner that words in and of themselves have no meaning. It's the meaning we give it. And words can have multiple meanings.
I think the bottom line is this reaffirms my theory that people just want to be offended. People cannot just be happy and let people be. They have to find something to be offended by, even it really has no direct impact on them. People have been very hurtful to me and as an Italian, there are lots of racist attitudes I have experienced but because I am white, it doesn't really matter.
I think people just get so caught up in these little details and I am a big picture person. I look at the big picture and that's why most things don't upset me. I think if people weren't so reactive about being PC, we may as a society be able to become more progressive because we are giving people the opportunity to express themselves, rather than banning words and giving ourselves a false sense that we are eliminating the problem by simple not using a very small percentage of words.
For me, I just have a different world view from this prof. I believe more that's important to have free speech. Usually these PC people are obsessed about hurting people's feelings but for me, that's not something I value too much because I value freedom of speech more. Doesn't mean I don't care about people's feelings, it's just that freedom is my highest value and something I will protect.
Monday, April 07, 2014
My New Dating Rule
Greetings all,
I came up with this dating rule last year but I thought I'd share with others one of my new rules. The new rule is basically I will not even consider dating a man that has children. I've dated 2 of them and both seem to complicate things unnecessarily. I read an article in the Spectator this morning about how a man left his wife and kids to be in a new relationship and the children are not very nice to the girlfriend.
I can relate to this as my last boyfriend's son was very cold towards me and would rarely say anything. It made me feel like I was the bad guy and I wasn't. I tried to talk to him but it was like talking to a wall, much like what it was like to be around aimee, in fact I would say it was worse. It's bad enough that my ex made me look like the bad guy in front of our friends but now I have to feel like that when the son was around? It was a little too much for me.
I can understand why kids act that way towards a new love interest. It ruins their fantasy that mommy and daddy are not together and may never be. I don't know what it's like to come from a broken home because my parents are still married and maybe if I were him, I would be resentful. I have some understanding towards this type of situation, but this is where the parent is to step in and teach the child that it's not appropriate to treat someone like that, especially if they have never done anything wrong. But obviously my ex sides with his son and believed that I was the mean one and that I didn't like the son. I don't know how my ex would feel if the tables were turned. Would he like it if I had a daughter who basically said nothing to him and was rude when he tried to make conversation towards her? After experiencing that a few times, wouldn't he just not talk as much and be polite so as not to experience the cruelty of the silence and unspoken rejection?
Maybe the mother was making me look like the bad guy, I don't know but why would I, a grown woman, have anything against a pre-teen? Let's just say my ex was not a very rational and logical man so he tends to react to things emotionally so I can see where he is irrationally coming from.
When I dated a divorced man with 2 children 10 years ago, his children really liked me, although they probably thought I was weird. And I probably was considering most adults didn't act silly like I do. They still seemed to like me as my weirdness is endearing to most people.
I think these men with children are better off sticking with 'their own kind'. My ex with the 2 kids ended up remarrying and remarried a woman that had kids so they probably understand each other and he probably wanted a mother figure for his children since his ex wife was not a good role model, considering she never worked and probably suffered from depression. I've seen what his wife looks like (the new one of probably 5 years) and she looks very working class (What do you expect from Hamilton anyways?) i.e. she was ugly as a boot.
When I told my friend this a few years ago, she pointed out how he probably was looking for a mother and I never really thought about this. This was probably why he stopped loving me when I went away to Yellowknife to work for 4 months.
The sad thing I learned about this ex is that his son, now 18 or 19 already had a child at the age of either 17 or 18. My theory is that the son never felt loved and cared for by his mother and so was probably desperate for female affection. I know most kids have sex at that age but usually they are responsible. It's sad because in a way he may struggle for years trying to find a good job to provide. You change so much from 18-25 and I doubt that relationship will last, although he does seem happy and in love but I chalk that up to youthful naivety.
On some level it bothers me, because I want to have children and be married but the older I get, I wonder if it will happen. I am in school too and I might not feel ready to have a child until I finish school and by that time I may be 39 and that's old!
I don't know what my ex's son's relation to his mother is like but I think he may be on the same path if he is not adequately receiving love from a woman caretaker. My ex painted his ex as a demon but that's his perception. Maybe she is nice and a good mother. I don't know and it's not my business.
I know our society talks about girls who don't have positive father figures in their lives and how they act out this deficiency by seeking love by being promiscuous and confusing sex with love. We don't seem to make the connection that boys that grow up with out receiving adequate love from a mother figure end up acting the same way and I think my ex's son is a perfect example.
The other reason why I am no longer even going to consider dating a man with kids is that the men don't seem to realize the sacrifice you make as the single person with no 'baggage' (are kids really baggage? in some sense they are). I didn't get to spend as much time with my last boyfriend because he required time to be with his son. My other ex with the 2 kids was primarily a full time dad and I didn't get to spend too much time alone with him because the kids always came first.
I clearly can handle being on my own but not my ex. When I had to temporarily live out of town with my parents, he couldn't handle his alone time and started pursuing a relationship with another woman. I could have been an asshole while we were dating and spent time with other men while he was in daddy mode but I never did. I am an honorable woman and being disloyal is not in my nature.
He never said a kind word about my sacrifice. I could have pursued any man I wanted to and probably should have pursued a man that had a more simpler life.
The other issue I had was that he seemed to think somehow being a dad made him more special than everyone else. One example was I would visit him using my parent's car while I was temporarily living with them. This was the period when we were trying to get back together after the 'titles' issue. I parked on the street and he kept saying I wouldn't get a ticket as I stayed until 12.45am and the law states you cannot park on the street after midnight without a permit. I ended up getting a ticket and he said he would pay for it. He never did. I broke up with him a few days later because he lied to me that night about how he went to Hamilton with friends. He told me a week before he was planning to clean his house (which seems to be a common excuse) and then after that weekend passed said he went to Hamilton and that the day trip was planned for the weekend a week ahead. We all know, I can't handle liars. Normally a white lie may not have phased me but we were trying to get back together and I was getting suspicious of how he was defending aimee (his current girlfriend, the Mighty Leader of the Introverts!). I don't know but I can't handle someone lying but I can't handle someone whom I am starting to mistrust because I could tell something strange was going on between him and another woman.
My parent's car is obviously in their name and I couldn't pay the ticket because I was in school and not working. I told my mom about the ticket and how he said he would pay but never did. She emailed him (and I am guessing he thought it was me but it wasn't) but the asshole ignored her. She even said she would accept half the cost of the ticket. Sadly she ended up paying for it since I didn't have the money (I was on welfare at the time too. I was literally poor). I just don't get people that don't take responsibility for their actions. If you said you were going to pay for it, man up and pay for it. Just because I broke up with him for being an asshole and lying about going to Hamilton, doesn't make it right to shirk responsibility.
My parents are important to me and are just as important to me as his son is to him but he didn't seem to care and the fact that he never paid the bill was ridiculous. My mom was disappointed by his behaviour as well. My parents are my only family at this time in my life and I really respected their car and how they allowed me to use it. I used to use their past cars when I was a teenager and I was not the best of drivers and so I have caused some damage to their car and it made me feel bad. Now that I am an adult, I try to take care of their things and my ex at the time wasn't being helpful and supportive when I wanted to move my car so that it wouldn't get ticketed.
My ex was a very selfish, yet charming 'man'. I do realize I need to pick better men and at least I realized eventually that he would not make a good life long partner due to his selfishness. I have decided to have dating rules and not dating dads is one of them. As mentioned in previous posts, I have done lots of reading about relationships and basically I am looking for a man that meets the following criteria (based on the dating coach Evan Marc Katz): kindness, consistency, compromise, communication and values.
I came up with this dating rule last year but I thought I'd share with others one of my new rules. The new rule is basically I will not even consider dating a man that has children. I've dated 2 of them and both seem to complicate things unnecessarily. I read an article in the Spectator this morning about how a man left his wife and kids to be in a new relationship and the children are not very nice to the girlfriend.
I can relate to this as my last boyfriend's son was very cold towards me and would rarely say anything. It made me feel like I was the bad guy and I wasn't. I tried to talk to him but it was like talking to a wall, much like what it was like to be around aimee, in fact I would say it was worse. It's bad enough that my ex made me look like the bad guy in front of our friends but now I have to feel like that when the son was around? It was a little too much for me.
I can understand why kids act that way towards a new love interest. It ruins their fantasy that mommy and daddy are not together and may never be. I don't know what it's like to come from a broken home because my parents are still married and maybe if I were him, I would be resentful. I have some understanding towards this type of situation, but this is where the parent is to step in and teach the child that it's not appropriate to treat someone like that, especially if they have never done anything wrong. But obviously my ex sides with his son and believed that I was the mean one and that I didn't like the son. I don't know how my ex would feel if the tables were turned. Would he like it if I had a daughter who basically said nothing to him and was rude when he tried to make conversation towards her? After experiencing that a few times, wouldn't he just not talk as much and be polite so as not to experience the cruelty of the silence and unspoken rejection?
Maybe the mother was making me look like the bad guy, I don't know but why would I, a grown woman, have anything against a pre-teen? Let's just say my ex was not a very rational and logical man so he tends to react to things emotionally so I can see where he is irrationally coming from.
When I dated a divorced man with 2 children 10 years ago, his children really liked me, although they probably thought I was weird. And I probably was considering most adults didn't act silly like I do. They still seemed to like me as my weirdness is endearing to most people.
I think these men with children are better off sticking with 'their own kind'. My ex with the 2 kids ended up remarrying and remarried a woman that had kids so they probably understand each other and he probably wanted a mother figure for his children since his ex wife was not a good role model, considering she never worked and probably suffered from depression. I've seen what his wife looks like (the new one of probably 5 years) and she looks very working class (What do you expect from Hamilton anyways?) i.e. she was ugly as a boot.
When I told my friend this a few years ago, she pointed out how he probably was looking for a mother and I never really thought about this. This was probably why he stopped loving me when I went away to Yellowknife to work for 4 months.
The sad thing I learned about this ex is that his son, now 18 or 19 already had a child at the age of either 17 or 18. My theory is that the son never felt loved and cared for by his mother and so was probably desperate for female affection. I know most kids have sex at that age but usually they are responsible. It's sad because in a way he may struggle for years trying to find a good job to provide. You change so much from 18-25 and I doubt that relationship will last, although he does seem happy and in love but I chalk that up to youthful naivety.
On some level it bothers me, because I want to have children and be married but the older I get, I wonder if it will happen. I am in school too and I might not feel ready to have a child until I finish school and by that time I may be 39 and that's old!
I don't know what my ex's son's relation to his mother is like but I think he may be on the same path if he is not adequately receiving love from a woman caretaker. My ex painted his ex as a demon but that's his perception. Maybe she is nice and a good mother. I don't know and it's not my business.
I know our society talks about girls who don't have positive father figures in their lives and how they act out this deficiency by seeking love by being promiscuous and confusing sex with love. We don't seem to make the connection that boys that grow up with out receiving adequate love from a mother figure end up acting the same way and I think my ex's son is a perfect example.
The other reason why I am no longer even going to consider dating a man with kids is that the men don't seem to realize the sacrifice you make as the single person with no 'baggage' (are kids really baggage? in some sense they are). I didn't get to spend as much time with my last boyfriend because he required time to be with his son. My other ex with the 2 kids was primarily a full time dad and I didn't get to spend too much time alone with him because the kids always came first.
I clearly can handle being on my own but not my ex. When I had to temporarily live out of town with my parents, he couldn't handle his alone time and started pursuing a relationship with another woman. I could have been an asshole while we were dating and spent time with other men while he was in daddy mode but I never did. I am an honorable woman and being disloyal is not in my nature.
He never said a kind word about my sacrifice. I could have pursued any man I wanted to and probably should have pursued a man that had a more simpler life.
The other issue I had was that he seemed to think somehow being a dad made him more special than everyone else. One example was I would visit him using my parent's car while I was temporarily living with them. This was the period when we were trying to get back together after the 'titles' issue. I parked on the street and he kept saying I wouldn't get a ticket as I stayed until 12.45am and the law states you cannot park on the street after midnight without a permit. I ended up getting a ticket and he said he would pay for it. He never did. I broke up with him a few days later because he lied to me that night about how he went to Hamilton with friends. He told me a week before he was planning to clean his house (which seems to be a common excuse) and then after that weekend passed said he went to Hamilton and that the day trip was planned for the weekend a week ahead. We all know, I can't handle liars. Normally a white lie may not have phased me but we were trying to get back together and I was getting suspicious of how he was defending aimee (his current girlfriend, the Mighty Leader of the Introverts!). I don't know but I can't handle someone lying but I can't handle someone whom I am starting to mistrust because I could tell something strange was going on between him and another woman.
My parent's car is obviously in their name and I couldn't pay the ticket because I was in school and not working. I told my mom about the ticket and how he said he would pay but never did. She emailed him (and I am guessing he thought it was me but it wasn't) but the asshole ignored her. She even said she would accept half the cost of the ticket. Sadly she ended up paying for it since I didn't have the money (I was on welfare at the time too. I was literally poor). I just don't get people that don't take responsibility for their actions. If you said you were going to pay for it, man up and pay for it. Just because I broke up with him for being an asshole and lying about going to Hamilton, doesn't make it right to shirk responsibility.
My parents are important to me and are just as important to me as his son is to him but he didn't seem to care and the fact that he never paid the bill was ridiculous. My mom was disappointed by his behaviour as well. My parents are my only family at this time in my life and I really respected their car and how they allowed me to use it. I used to use their past cars when I was a teenager and I was not the best of drivers and so I have caused some damage to their car and it made me feel bad. Now that I am an adult, I try to take care of their things and my ex at the time wasn't being helpful and supportive when I wanted to move my car so that it wouldn't get ticketed.
My ex was a very selfish, yet charming 'man'. I do realize I need to pick better men and at least I realized eventually that he would not make a good life long partner due to his selfishness. I have decided to have dating rules and not dating dads is one of them. As mentioned in previous posts, I have done lots of reading about relationships and basically I am looking for a man that meets the following criteria (based on the dating coach Evan Marc Katz): kindness, consistency, compromise, communication and values.
Saturday, April 05, 2014
My Hair
Greetings all,
I started bleaching my hair last year and basically had blonde hair. I realized at the end of last year that I could do more funky things with my hair so I decided to start colouring it a variety of different colours. A couple of months ago I got it coloured pink. I was like Jem, a child hood show that I used to love. And I actually still have my own Jem doll from childhood.
Two weeks ago I coloured it aqua and now the colour is fading so it's looking a bit like a light sky blue. The colour I got is semi permanent colour so it's only supposed to last a few weeks. The day after I coloured my hair aqua, I felt like I was a super hero. And I liked it!
My parents however, do not like it and constantly bitch to me about it. They bitched a lot when I bleached my hair to be blonde and now they complain how they prefer the blonde. My mother admits she likes my blonde better, even though she would bitch when I was blonde, she liked my natural hair colour.
Honestly I do not see what the big deal is. I am allowed to experiment with my hair and I might as well do it now since I am in school. It's just hair but it seems to be this massive topic of conversation in my family. It's like, fuck I have coloured hair. Big deal. Can we talk about partial derivatives or something more interesting?
You don't like my hair, I get it. Now shut up about it. I have to hear about it constantly.
I don't like when my mother perms her hair. She looks like a poodle. But I don't bitch every 5 minutes about it. They need to get lives. They ask me if other students have their hair coloured. Maybe a few but mostly there are Asians in my school and Asians aren't really known for being experimental with their hair. I've seen a few, but the majority of kids at my school are not wild or creative with their hair styles.
I don't get it. I do what I feel like doing. I don't copy people. I do my own thing. I follow the beat of my own drum. You don't like what I do? Okay. Whatever. I'm going to live my life the way I want to.
It's very annoying to have such conservative parents like mine. For most people, it's not a big deal but for them that's all they seem to talk about. Annoying. But I'm not going to change. I'm a free spirit and I change for no one!
I started bleaching my hair last year and basically had blonde hair. I realized at the end of last year that I could do more funky things with my hair so I decided to start colouring it a variety of different colours. A couple of months ago I got it coloured pink. I was like Jem, a child hood show that I used to love. And I actually still have my own Jem doll from childhood.
Two weeks ago I coloured it aqua and now the colour is fading so it's looking a bit like a light sky blue. The colour I got is semi permanent colour so it's only supposed to last a few weeks. The day after I coloured my hair aqua, I felt like I was a super hero. And I liked it!
My parents however, do not like it and constantly bitch to me about it. They bitched a lot when I bleached my hair to be blonde and now they complain how they prefer the blonde. My mother admits she likes my blonde better, even though she would bitch when I was blonde, she liked my natural hair colour.
Honestly I do not see what the big deal is. I am allowed to experiment with my hair and I might as well do it now since I am in school. It's just hair but it seems to be this massive topic of conversation in my family. It's like, fuck I have coloured hair. Big deal. Can we talk about partial derivatives or something more interesting?
You don't like my hair, I get it. Now shut up about it. I have to hear about it constantly.
I don't like when my mother perms her hair. She looks like a poodle. But I don't bitch every 5 minutes about it. They need to get lives. They ask me if other students have their hair coloured. Maybe a few but mostly there are Asians in my school and Asians aren't really known for being experimental with their hair. I've seen a few, but the majority of kids at my school are not wild or creative with their hair styles.
I don't get it. I do what I feel like doing. I don't copy people. I do my own thing. I follow the beat of my own drum. You don't like what I do? Okay. Whatever. I'm going to live my life the way I want to.
It's very annoying to have such conservative parents like mine. For most people, it's not a big deal but for them that's all they seem to talk about. Annoying. But I'm not going to change. I'm a free spirit and I change for no one!
What Does it Mean to Act Like a Man?
Greetings all,
I read this newspaper article that talked about what does it mean to act like a man? This was something I talked about with a previous boyfriend I had and I would always comment that men are only allowed to show certain emotions. 1. lust (within reason) and 2. happiness. That's it. I don't want to deal with a man that is fearful, angry and insecure.
I've done a lot of reading about men and their inner lives, mainly because I was wanting to be in a relationship and wanted to get a better understanding of men and have read how many times men's emotional lives get repressed because it's not considered 'manly' to be emotional.
One point from the article that I have heard before in books that men complain about when they do attempt to open up to their wives or girlfriends was as follows:
A friend once remarked, "My wife always says I should open up, but when I do she doesn't want me to have the feelings I have."
Most women I know want a man to be a protector and at least a provider (now-a-days sometimes they are the bread winner so at least they want a man that makes money, not necessarily more than them). Most women want a man to make them feel safe. I know I do. But how can a man make a woman feel safe if he always goes on about how scared he is of stuff? Or if he is always angry?
From this perspective, I totally feel these common responses of women toward men are justified. We want to feel safe and we only want to hear certain things from our men. I don't think hearing other men talk about their fears would bother me as much but if my man is so fearful and insecure, it's just a turn off.
I think there is a fine line between being vulnerable and being insecure. Openly talking about if you feel worried about something would be fine or maybe you have a small fear. But if you all you do is go on about how insecure you are or how you are always worried, it's just not attractive.
If a woman was the same way, I think eventually it would wear a man down. I think women as well need to talk responsibility for their thoughts and feelings and if they are in a state of always insecure, that's not healthy either.
I keep a journal and have done so for over 10 years. I write my most darkest thoughts and insecurities there but I don't go sharing it with everybody. If I do talk about my feelings, I give people the processed feelings for the most part because I want to be able to self reflect. I expect this from my man as well. I do not use men as emotional dumping grounds and if I were to be married or in a relationship, I would expect the same courtesy. Take some time for yourself and do some self reflection and then come open up to me about how you feel. I certainly would be more receptive to that.
Maybe in that quote I quoted earlier, the man was just dumping on the wife. No one wants that.
The only other point I had to make was that sometimes people can only handle the insecurities of others that they are comfortable with and have worked out for themselves. If you are fearful about something and your man or a friend brings up something that triggers this fear or insecurity, you are less likely to be receptive to them.
For example, if you as a woman already have deep fears and insecurity when it comes to money (like me for example), you don't want your man to come talk to you about his own fears about money because you may not have gotten around to being more at peace with your issues so you react and be triggered and just don't want to hear his fears or insecurities. If you were in a more better emotional state and dealt with your stuff, then you wouldn't have that reaction.
So to me if a woman does react to a man bringing up his fears appropriately, it to me signals she may have issues about that particular subject. Either way, we should not be making men and women feel bad about their fears because most people are insecure to some degree. Some more than others.
The other point I wanted to make was since I read a lot about men, I have read how men do not like women baring their full emotions so this article may not totally be accurate and just a whine piece. Men do not like when a woman gets angry and I have read that if you are to approach a man and are angry, you have to do it a certain way. I think in general this applies to everyone. If you are angry, there are ways to deal with it and be approachable.
I think men can tolerate a woman being more insecure because men are still to be the protector and so it's cute if a woman is insecure but after a while, if the woman is always insecure, it turns off the man.
To me everyone needs to work on their emotions and improving their emotional intelligence. Men and women. This isn't a gender issue but a human issue. I have seen many women demonstrate low emotional intelligence by not dealing with problems and running away from things all the time or just ignoring the feelings of others and being passive about what happens. There is really only one way to be and that is to take responsibility for your inner world and how you communicate with others your inner world. While we may not always communicate gracefully, it should be something we strive for in our relationships and friendships.
I read this newspaper article that talked about what does it mean to act like a man? This was something I talked about with a previous boyfriend I had and I would always comment that men are only allowed to show certain emotions. 1. lust (within reason) and 2. happiness. That's it. I don't want to deal with a man that is fearful, angry and insecure.
I've done a lot of reading about men and their inner lives, mainly because I was wanting to be in a relationship and wanted to get a better understanding of men and have read how many times men's emotional lives get repressed because it's not considered 'manly' to be emotional.
One point from the article that I have heard before in books that men complain about when they do attempt to open up to their wives or girlfriends was as follows:
A friend once remarked, "My wife always says I should open up, but when I do she doesn't want me to have the feelings I have."
Most women I know want a man to be a protector and at least a provider (now-a-days sometimes they are the bread winner so at least they want a man that makes money, not necessarily more than them). Most women want a man to make them feel safe. I know I do. But how can a man make a woman feel safe if he always goes on about how scared he is of stuff? Or if he is always angry?
From this perspective, I totally feel these common responses of women toward men are justified. We want to feel safe and we only want to hear certain things from our men. I don't think hearing other men talk about their fears would bother me as much but if my man is so fearful and insecure, it's just a turn off.
I think there is a fine line between being vulnerable and being insecure. Openly talking about if you feel worried about something would be fine or maybe you have a small fear. But if you all you do is go on about how insecure you are or how you are always worried, it's just not attractive.
If a woman was the same way, I think eventually it would wear a man down. I think women as well need to talk responsibility for their thoughts and feelings and if they are in a state of always insecure, that's not healthy either.
I keep a journal and have done so for over 10 years. I write my most darkest thoughts and insecurities there but I don't go sharing it with everybody. If I do talk about my feelings, I give people the processed feelings for the most part because I want to be able to self reflect. I expect this from my man as well. I do not use men as emotional dumping grounds and if I were to be married or in a relationship, I would expect the same courtesy. Take some time for yourself and do some self reflection and then come open up to me about how you feel. I certainly would be more receptive to that.
Maybe in that quote I quoted earlier, the man was just dumping on the wife. No one wants that.
The only other point I had to make was that sometimes people can only handle the insecurities of others that they are comfortable with and have worked out for themselves. If you are fearful about something and your man or a friend brings up something that triggers this fear or insecurity, you are less likely to be receptive to them.
For example, if you as a woman already have deep fears and insecurity when it comes to money (like me for example), you don't want your man to come talk to you about his own fears about money because you may not have gotten around to being more at peace with your issues so you react and be triggered and just don't want to hear his fears or insecurities. If you were in a more better emotional state and dealt with your stuff, then you wouldn't have that reaction.
So to me if a woman does react to a man bringing up his fears appropriately, it to me signals she may have issues about that particular subject. Either way, we should not be making men and women feel bad about their fears because most people are insecure to some degree. Some more than others.
The other point I wanted to make was since I read a lot about men, I have read how men do not like women baring their full emotions so this article may not totally be accurate and just a whine piece. Men do not like when a woman gets angry and I have read that if you are to approach a man and are angry, you have to do it a certain way. I think in general this applies to everyone. If you are angry, there are ways to deal with it and be approachable.
I think men can tolerate a woman being more insecure because men are still to be the protector and so it's cute if a woman is insecure but after a while, if the woman is always insecure, it turns off the man.
To me everyone needs to work on their emotions and improving their emotional intelligence. Men and women. This isn't a gender issue but a human issue. I have seen many women demonstrate low emotional intelligence by not dealing with problems and running away from things all the time or just ignoring the feelings of others and being passive about what happens. There is really only one way to be and that is to take responsibility for your inner world and how you communicate with others your inner world. While we may not always communicate gracefully, it should be something we strive for in our relationships and friendships.
Friday, March 07, 2014
I hate Python!
Greetings all,
I have to take a computer science course as part of my degree requirements. It's a 1st year course on learning Python, which is a type of computer programming language, similar to C+.
I knew going in that I wouldn't like it because when I was in high school over 15 years ago, I took a computer course and we did some programming using Visual Basics. I thought Visual Basics was no longer used but apparently it is. I hated using it because I found it so tedious and I just didn't like it.
Part of our course involves doing lab exercises. They usually require 2 hours to do them. The first 2 weeks we had to attend the tutorial we signed up for. Then after those first 2 weeks, we can go to the lab any time. We can also complete them at home. Some of the questions I could do at home but the coding problems, I usually required help. They are due on Fridays at 3pm and my first week alone, I went to the lab on Friday and I had a class at 2pm and the lab was very busy and I was getting stressed because I didn't want to lose marks for not finishing it up on time. I think I must have gone to the lab around noon, figuring I'd be done by 1 because I only needed help on 2 coding problems but because the teaching assistant (TA) was helping other students, it took a while before I got the help I needed. I vowed to never go back on Fridays because I do not like being that stressed out. For me personally I usually like my assignments done the day before so that I don't feel as stressed so that's why I started going to the lab on Thursdays as that's when they also have help available.
Usually I go after my class and it takes about 2 hours to get it done. Yesterday was a nightmare however because of our assignment. I went to the lab at 10 am and was the first person there. It got pretty busy real fast and usually when I go on Thursdays, it's less busy and maybe I have to wait 5-10 minutes for help but yesterday I would have to wait 30-45 minutes. And once you are stuck, you are stuck and it's difficult to figure out what to do. I got most of my lab exercises done in the morning but had to go back in the afternoon and spent about 2 hours again. Lots of time was just wasted waiting and I didn't appreciate it. It made me want to bang my head against the wall.
I went to the CSC help centre on Wednesday but the guy made my assignment worse. I went there last week and the guy was more helpful. It was a different guy and he ended up helping other people as we just write our names on a board and they go down the list.
I just hate programming. It's just super frustrating and I don't have the mind for it. I don't have the patience. I can tolerate doing the weekly lab exercises and the weekly videos that we watch that have quizzes and the lectures but when we have assignments due, that's where my stress levels go through the roof. The assignments are just so soul sucking and time consuming. I feel it's so pointless too because I'm interested in statistics and math, not becoming a programmer. I really see no point in learning this. I am also a bit resistant to learning it as well since I am not into this stuff and find it difficult to get into. I am only learning it because I have no other choice. At least with math and stats, I want to learn it so I'll put up with some bullshit but I see no point in learning Python so it makes me less tolerant of the bullshit that is involved in learning it.
I keep reminding myself it's not forever and is only a month more of this hell. We have one more assignment to do. I have a calculus test on Monday and this assignment was due the next day so I knew I needed it done earlier because I know how time consuming these things are and I didn't want to wait last minute as I had minor issues with my last assignment but because it was due that day and I had to wait for help, it was too stressful and I would prefer having it done a day early.
I uploaded my assignment but I only have cosmetic things to do on it as I have to edit some of my internal comments. I think we are being graded on having comments in the assignment. I got most of them done but have 3 functions to comment on and edit so that shouldn't take long and I will do it either on Monday evening after my Calculus test or Tuesday morning.
I hate learning programming and Python. I really do. It's like being gay. You either like it or you don't. And you know. You just know. And I know I don't like Python.
I have to take a computer science course as part of my degree requirements. It's a 1st year course on learning Python, which is a type of computer programming language, similar to C+.
I knew going in that I wouldn't like it because when I was in high school over 15 years ago, I took a computer course and we did some programming using Visual Basics. I thought Visual Basics was no longer used but apparently it is. I hated using it because I found it so tedious and I just didn't like it.
Part of our course involves doing lab exercises. They usually require 2 hours to do them. The first 2 weeks we had to attend the tutorial we signed up for. Then after those first 2 weeks, we can go to the lab any time. We can also complete them at home. Some of the questions I could do at home but the coding problems, I usually required help. They are due on Fridays at 3pm and my first week alone, I went to the lab on Friday and I had a class at 2pm and the lab was very busy and I was getting stressed because I didn't want to lose marks for not finishing it up on time. I think I must have gone to the lab around noon, figuring I'd be done by 1 because I only needed help on 2 coding problems but because the teaching assistant (TA) was helping other students, it took a while before I got the help I needed. I vowed to never go back on Fridays because I do not like being that stressed out. For me personally I usually like my assignments done the day before so that I don't feel as stressed so that's why I started going to the lab on Thursdays as that's when they also have help available.
Usually I go after my class and it takes about 2 hours to get it done. Yesterday was a nightmare however because of our assignment. I went to the lab at 10 am and was the first person there. It got pretty busy real fast and usually when I go on Thursdays, it's less busy and maybe I have to wait 5-10 minutes for help but yesterday I would have to wait 30-45 minutes. And once you are stuck, you are stuck and it's difficult to figure out what to do. I got most of my lab exercises done in the morning but had to go back in the afternoon and spent about 2 hours again. Lots of time was just wasted waiting and I didn't appreciate it. It made me want to bang my head against the wall.
I went to the CSC help centre on Wednesday but the guy made my assignment worse. I went there last week and the guy was more helpful. It was a different guy and he ended up helping other people as we just write our names on a board and they go down the list.
I just hate programming. It's just super frustrating and I don't have the mind for it. I don't have the patience. I can tolerate doing the weekly lab exercises and the weekly videos that we watch that have quizzes and the lectures but when we have assignments due, that's where my stress levels go through the roof. The assignments are just so soul sucking and time consuming. I feel it's so pointless too because I'm interested in statistics and math, not becoming a programmer. I really see no point in learning this. I am also a bit resistant to learning it as well since I am not into this stuff and find it difficult to get into. I am only learning it because I have no other choice. At least with math and stats, I want to learn it so I'll put up with some bullshit but I see no point in learning Python so it makes me less tolerant of the bullshit that is involved in learning it.
I keep reminding myself it's not forever and is only a month more of this hell. We have one more assignment to do. I have a calculus test on Monday and this assignment was due the next day so I knew I needed it done earlier because I know how time consuming these things are and I didn't want to wait last minute as I had minor issues with my last assignment but because it was due that day and I had to wait for help, it was too stressful and I would prefer having it done a day early.
I uploaded my assignment but I only have cosmetic things to do on it as I have to edit some of my internal comments. I think we are being graded on having comments in the assignment. I got most of them done but have 3 functions to comment on and edit so that shouldn't take long and I will do it either on Monday evening after my Calculus test or Tuesday morning.
I hate learning programming and Python. I really do. It's like being gay. You either like it or you don't. And you know. You just know. And I know I don't like Python.
Monday, March 03, 2014
Tim Horton Sucks!
Greetings all,
I've never understood why people in Hamilton are so in love with Tim Horton's coffee. It. Is. Shit.
I have been buying a coffee mostly one a day because of the Roll Up the Rim contest. Usually every year, I buy more Tim Horton's when this contest is running. I would typically buy a hot chocolate since I wasn't a fan of the coffee but even the hot chocolate is so disgusting. I have been buying the coffee in hopes that it perks me up during school.
People in Hamilton line up for Tim's. There are Second Cups and Star Bucks but for whatever reason, people have no taste in Hamilton for coffee. Is it the steel mills that affect their sense of taste?
So far I have won a coffee and a donut so I am happy about that. Last year I didn't win much and was below their winning average, which I think is 1 in 6 so I think this year I am on target.
I had cashed in my winning donut today and I was just thinking how pathetic Tim Horton's is. The desserts are just so generic and not even good tasting. They are bland and generic. Yet it's so popular. I think Canadians need to stop going along with this shitty company. The coffee has no taste and the donuts suck. It's embarrassing.
The only good things about Tim's is the Ice Caps, which I really like and the Cafe Mocca. However the flaw with the Moccas is that they put whipped cream on it and then put the cap on. The whipped cream ends up getting all on the cap so you have to take off the cap and lick the bottom of it. Only once did this not happen. I don't know why they just leave it capless. Do I need to ask everytime? Test how your customer experiences your products Tim!
I've never understood why people in Hamilton are so in love with Tim Horton's coffee. It. Is. Shit.
I have been buying a coffee mostly one a day because of the Roll Up the Rim contest. Usually every year, I buy more Tim Horton's when this contest is running. I would typically buy a hot chocolate since I wasn't a fan of the coffee but even the hot chocolate is so disgusting. I have been buying the coffee in hopes that it perks me up during school.
People in Hamilton line up for Tim's. There are Second Cups and Star Bucks but for whatever reason, people have no taste in Hamilton for coffee. Is it the steel mills that affect their sense of taste?
So far I have won a coffee and a donut so I am happy about that. Last year I didn't win much and was below their winning average, which I think is 1 in 6 so I think this year I am on target.
I had cashed in my winning donut today and I was just thinking how pathetic Tim Horton's is. The desserts are just so generic and not even good tasting. They are bland and generic. Yet it's so popular. I think Canadians need to stop going along with this shitty company. The coffee has no taste and the donuts suck. It's embarrassing.
The only good things about Tim's is the Ice Caps, which I really like and the Cafe Mocca. However the flaw with the Moccas is that they put whipped cream on it and then put the cap on. The whipped cream ends up getting all on the cap so you have to take off the cap and lick the bottom of it. Only once did this not happen. I don't know why they just leave it capless. Do I need to ask everytime? Test how your customer experiences your products Tim!
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
My Tastes They are a Changin'
Greetings all,
I used to shun drinking tea but at my school they started offering free tea in the fall so I being the one to enjoy free things, started getting into the habit of drinking the free tea. So now I am a tea drinker. I used to be anti-tea. I don't know why. Maybe because I thought it was a weird beverage or I associated it with snobby people. But now I'm one of them!
I also decided that I am done with instant coffee in the morning. Last week I was tired and had a Star Bucks and the next day had a Second Cup. I preferred the Second Cup drink that I had and decided that I want real coffee for breakfast. I use the Nescafe instant coffee and it just has no flavour, no umph, no nothing. My mom is going to give me her little Moka pot. We bought some ground up coffee today and I got to see how it works so now I will start drinking real coffee in the morning. I might buy the Second Cup coffee grounds but may require a coffee grinder for that.
I've just had enough with shitty coffee. I want some flavour in my life!
I'm changing so much, who am I?
I used to shun drinking tea but at my school they started offering free tea in the fall so I being the one to enjoy free things, started getting into the habit of drinking the free tea. So now I am a tea drinker. I used to be anti-tea. I don't know why. Maybe because I thought it was a weird beverage or I associated it with snobby people. But now I'm one of them!
I also decided that I am done with instant coffee in the morning. Last week I was tired and had a Star Bucks and the next day had a Second Cup. I preferred the Second Cup drink that I had and decided that I want real coffee for breakfast. I use the Nescafe instant coffee and it just has no flavour, no umph, no nothing. My mom is going to give me her little Moka pot. We bought some ground up coffee today and I got to see how it works so now I will start drinking real coffee in the morning. I might buy the Second Cup coffee grounds but may require a coffee grinder for that.
I've just had enough with shitty coffee. I want some flavour in my life!
I'm changing so much, who am I?
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Bound Lotus Update
Greetings all,
My Bound Lotus 1000 day discipline sadly has come to an end and I did not manage to do the 1000 days. I started doing it about 2 days ago. I started it May 13, 2013 so that was about 8 months worth of practice. For the past few weeks, I just wasn't feeling it anymore with it and was craving something else. I am not sure if I will attempt another 1000 day discipline. It wasn't easy for me to decide to end it but I felt it wasn't meeting my needs at the moment.
Currently I have gone back to doing qigong. I did various qigong styles before I got into kundalini yoga and decided to practice it again. I took an eye qigong workshop years ago by Grandmaster Wu but he passed away and he passed on his qigong to his pupil, Teresa so now she has her own web site and markets herself as Wu and Yeung qigong. I've been on their mailing list for years but never went to any of their classes. She recently ran classes to clear out negative energies and I went to that and felt it brought up some stuff. I was pretty angry and irritable for a couple of days but then felt better.
I took her beginner workshop a few weeks ago and now am regularly practicing her style but also learning other styles/movements.
I feel too that it is difficult for me to continue with my kundalini practice because my room doesn't have much space but also because I feel I need more gentle movement. Maybe it's the winter, which is very difficult for me to deal with, that makes me yearn for more gentleness in my life because the winters here are too harsh for me. Hopefully one day I will move to California or be a snow bird and spend the winter months traveling.
I've also lost some of my interest in chanting. I used to chant Sanskrit mantras on my own for years and then started to do more chanting with the kundalini mantras and doing a few monthly chants at the ashram like the Guru Ram Das mantra or the Adi Shakti mantra. I feel I want a break from it. I wasn't heavily into chanting with kundalini mantras but would try to go more regularly at the ashram. I took a bit of a break when I wasn't living in Toronto.
I think for me, I want to chant and have tangible benefits in my life. I just wasn't feeling like I was getting them. I know when I stopped doing sanskrit chanting, I strongly felt like I wanted tangible benefits. They had mantras for prosperity or good luck or for a husband but none of these things manifested for me.I might have blogged about it but for years I was doing various disciplines and felt it just made my life more chaotic.
I may go back into chanting but for now, I'm just not getting what I want out of it and I wonder why continue doing it if I don't feel like I am getting any benefits from it?
My Bound Lotus 1000 day discipline sadly has come to an end and I did not manage to do the 1000 days. I started doing it about 2 days ago. I started it May 13, 2013 so that was about 8 months worth of practice. For the past few weeks, I just wasn't feeling it anymore with it and was craving something else. I am not sure if I will attempt another 1000 day discipline. It wasn't easy for me to decide to end it but I felt it wasn't meeting my needs at the moment.
Currently I have gone back to doing qigong. I did various qigong styles before I got into kundalini yoga and decided to practice it again. I took an eye qigong workshop years ago by Grandmaster Wu but he passed away and he passed on his qigong to his pupil, Teresa so now she has her own web site and markets herself as Wu and Yeung qigong. I've been on their mailing list for years but never went to any of their classes. She recently ran classes to clear out negative energies and I went to that and felt it brought up some stuff. I was pretty angry and irritable for a couple of days but then felt better.
I took her beginner workshop a few weeks ago and now am regularly practicing her style but also learning other styles/movements.
I feel too that it is difficult for me to continue with my kundalini practice because my room doesn't have much space but also because I feel I need more gentle movement. Maybe it's the winter, which is very difficult for me to deal with, that makes me yearn for more gentleness in my life because the winters here are too harsh for me. Hopefully one day I will move to California or be a snow bird and spend the winter months traveling.
I've also lost some of my interest in chanting. I used to chant Sanskrit mantras on my own for years and then started to do more chanting with the kundalini mantras and doing a few monthly chants at the ashram like the Guru Ram Das mantra or the Adi Shakti mantra. I feel I want a break from it. I wasn't heavily into chanting with kundalini mantras but would try to go more regularly at the ashram. I took a bit of a break when I wasn't living in Toronto.
I think for me, I want to chant and have tangible benefits in my life. I just wasn't feeling like I was getting them. I know when I stopped doing sanskrit chanting, I strongly felt like I wanted tangible benefits. They had mantras for prosperity or good luck or for a husband but none of these things manifested for me.I might have blogged about it but for years I was doing various disciplines and felt it just made my life more chaotic.
I may go back into chanting but for now, I'm just not getting what I want out of it and I wonder why continue doing it if I don't feel like I am getting any benefits from it?
* * *
Recently I wrote about how someone from the Introvert cult contacted me. I have hung out with this person a few times and at first I had a lot of doubts about it because I wasn't sure if she was reporting back to the group or trying to convert me or whatever. My one friend thinks she just probably wants a friend and that if she had ulterior motives, I would know about it.
The unfortunate thing is that she has invited me a couple of times to go to a movie with her boyfriend, the 'Vice President' and one who got this whole BS started. She also invited me to hang out with the introvert cult for New Years but I already had plans. I did text her that I wasn't wanting to be around Mike and Aimee since they make me very uncomfortable. I really haven't explained to her the whole details about what happened because she doesn't know about how Mike McLeod cheated on me with Aimee Buxton or how Aimee Buxton told a newly appointed Event Organizer that I was brain washing her (not true by the way). She doesn't know how when I approached Lynn Chackery to talk about how I felt, she didn't hear my side of the story and yet already had an opinion that I was 'wrong' as apparently someone in the group was gossiping about me and probably making me look like I was the bad guy when in reality I was expressing how I felt unappreciated and disrespected and didn't find their insider joke funny.
I didn't want to bring up the past with her and relive all the pain but she does need to know why I refuse to associate with these bullies.
I did go out shopping with her for a few hours and her boyfriend joined us in the last hour but I didn't have much of a choice. I couldn't stand being around him, even though I think we both were trying to be on our best behaviour. Maybe because he's Sicilian. I just can't stand him. The next morning I just felt gross about being around him. You know how some people just make you feel gross because their shit is bringing you down? That's what it was like with him. He's not a happy person. He's cocky but his cockiness comes from the fact that he's still a baby and is insecure and unhappy deep down. He is not a mature, responsible man. He still lives with his father (a healthy one I may add). Any one that is over 35 and still living with his parents, needs a reality check.
I had this conversation with my friend about it and she was like 'oh you can't judge people'. Well I am. To me there is no reason to live with your parents unless they are sick and require your help. In his case, his dad is healthy so this is not the reason why he lives with his family. Temporarily, sure I can understand. I did it briefly but I wanted to get the heck out. I think I left when I was 27. All adults should be out of the house by 30. That's my opinion and unless you have experienced being on your own, you are still a baby. Her boyfriend Joseph, is still a baby in my eyes. I don't care if he's worked and can cook. If he was a real adult, he'd have his own place and work.
I just find him to be a downer and uptight. Yes life is tough but there's no need to put on this BS bravado. People like me can see through that. It's very obvious when people are unhappy with their lives and he's one of those people.
I don't have the heart either to tell her I can't stand her boyfriend. But all I can do is not hang out with them together. One of my other friends said I might have to tolerate him as he's like that uncle at family functions no one likes but you have to put up with him to be around the other people you like. Not sure if I agree with that but I'd rather not be around him. I generally get along with people but some people are too much and have too much attitude. He's not worth being around because he doesn't bring enough to the table to justify the shitty attitude. He's not good looking, he's not smart, he's not funny and he's not kind. He's not rich, he's not powerful. Usually people put up with people with shitty attitudes because they have one redeeming quality but for me, there is nothing he brings to the table that makes me want to tolerate his infinite flaws. Sadly I can say similar things about most of the people in the Introvert cult because most of them do not bring much to the table.
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Good Bye Sally
Greetings all,
This afternoon the family cat Sally has died. She was about 2 months shy of being 20. We knew her time was coming to an end. I wasn't planning on visiting my family in Hamilton this weekend because I had things planned as I had a yoga workshop and planned to study but my mother told me that Sally didn't eat today or last night and I knew that meant she didn't have much time to live. I took the bus to Hamilton and I saw that she was lying down but she looked exhausted and like she was dying. I started to cry and lay down beside her, holding her front paws. I spent some time with her and we thought she died for a moment but then I noticed she was still breathing but she didn't have much energy and her eyes weren't really focused. She also was twitching a lot.
I placed her on my chest because I wanted to hold her one last time. I went to lay on my parent's bed and let her lie on me. I told her how much I loved her and what she brought to the family with her sweetness and presence and how much she meant to me. I continued to hold her and then she stretched and looked at me. I was a little freaked out by her sudden movement. I had my mother pick her up and we placed her back in her box. After about 3 hours of my being there, she passed away. I am very sad and will miss her presence. I love you Sally and you are my fur angel.
I'm going to miss kissing her and holding her and smelling the outside of her ears. Rest in peace my angel!
This afternoon the family cat Sally has died. She was about 2 months shy of being 20. We knew her time was coming to an end. I wasn't planning on visiting my family in Hamilton this weekend because I had things planned as I had a yoga workshop and planned to study but my mother told me that Sally didn't eat today or last night and I knew that meant she didn't have much time to live. I took the bus to Hamilton and I saw that she was lying down but she looked exhausted and like she was dying. I started to cry and lay down beside her, holding her front paws. I spent some time with her and we thought she died for a moment but then I noticed she was still breathing but she didn't have much energy and her eyes weren't really focused. She also was twitching a lot.
I placed her on my chest because I wanted to hold her one last time. I went to lay on my parent's bed and let her lie on me. I told her how much I loved her and what she brought to the family with her sweetness and presence and how much she meant to me. I continued to hold her and then she stretched and looked at me. I was a little freaked out by her sudden movement. I had my mother pick her up and we placed her back in her box. After about 3 hours of my being there, she passed away. I am very sad and will miss her presence. I love you Sally and you are my fur angel.
I'm going to miss kissing her and holding her and smelling the outside of her ears. Rest in peace my angel!
Sunday, October 13, 2013
Blurred Feminism
Greetings all,
A few weeks ago a friend in real life who is a friend on Facebook seemed to be really upset about facebook and people commenting on stuff. One thing this person was upset about was people reacting to the song Blurred Lines. He declared his love of the song and then posted the video. I tend to be opinionated on things and politely articulated that this video was sexist. While the lyrics are not about rape as many women seem to think it is about, the uncensored video involves the women being fully naked while the men are dressed in suits.
I've been a bit more interested in female issues over the year and am calling myself more a feminist. To be exact I call myself a Cock-loving feminist because people seem to think feminists hate men, which is certainly not true for me and most other feminists as I joined last year a Meetup group for feminists and we usually are talking about issues, not man bashing which is utterly unproductive.
So back to this video. It is a very sexist video because the women are naked and the men are not. I mean, clearly it's about the man being dominant. If everyone was naked, then it would not be sexist but it's sexist because the women are prancing around naked. My friend is one of those people where on facebook everybody praises him constantly and I think for him, hearing the truth was not something he wanted.
He reacted rather dramatically about it and for me, I am not one to be rude about expressing my opinions. I do try to be diplomatic. I did feel that if you don't want people to comment on what you post, then don't share things on facebook. To me facebook is about sharing stuff and part of sharing stuff means hearing opinions of people that you may not agree with.
For example, I posted how I thought it was gross that Patrick Stewart is engaged to a woman half his age. I think she is probably using him on some level because most 35 year old women (like me) would never want to marry a 70 year old man unless we had intentions of getting his money. Seriously no normal woman would date a man that old and I could care less if he was Patrick Stewart. Women like that are gold diggers. Many people disagreed with me but I didn't throw a hissy fit over it. I accept that people have different opinions. I have only removed one friend because his differing opinions was rude and disrespectful towards me (I removed him about a few years ago well before this recent Patrick Steward comment. This was a regular pattern of his and I had enough. Had he been more polite, I would have not removed him. He was just too antagonizing towards me and has anger issues). I certainly do not want to upset my friends and that is usually why I try to be diplomatic on my opinions.
This stuff all happened when the Music awards came out. People can get so reactive to things. I really don't understand why women think that song was about rape. I read the lyrics and the only explicit line was about "tearing your ass in two". Overall I felt this song was about a really horny guy and that quote was really him expressing his interest in anal sex. It had nothing to do with rape. Unless he sang "I'm going to fuck you against your will and fuck you even though you are fighting back and shouting no", then yes I would say he's singing about rape.
Sometimes I can't believe how reactive people are. I guess people are projecting their own sexual issues onto this song which is the perfect scapegoat.
I really wish my friend would have acknowledged that yes the video is sexist. You can still enjoy the song but to not acknowledge that the video is degrading to women and is sexist is disrespectful. This person is a minority as he is gay and so if the situation were reversed, i.e. a bubbly song that had a hateful message to gay people, I think many people would not support the song.
This basically goes back to something I have read about namely how Feminism is not a respected movement in comparison to liberating other minorities like gays, racial issues, etc. It's not okay to support things that put women down and basically show them as sex objects. I think most of all that was sad was that someone who belonged to a marginalized group was partaking in this marginalization of women. If your part of a sub culture that was abused and invalidated, it's not right to promote the abuse and invalidation of other equally marginalized groups like Women.
A few weeks ago a friend in real life who is a friend on Facebook seemed to be really upset about facebook and people commenting on stuff. One thing this person was upset about was people reacting to the song Blurred Lines. He declared his love of the song and then posted the video. I tend to be opinionated on things and politely articulated that this video was sexist. While the lyrics are not about rape as many women seem to think it is about, the uncensored video involves the women being fully naked while the men are dressed in suits.
I've been a bit more interested in female issues over the year and am calling myself more a feminist. To be exact I call myself a Cock-loving feminist because people seem to think feminists hate men, which is certainly not true for me and most other feminists as I joined last year a Meetup group for feminists and we usually are talking about issues, not man bashing which is utterly unproductive.
So back to this video. It is a very sexist video because the women are naked and the men are not. I mean, clearly it's about the man being dominant. If everyone was naked, then it would not be sexist but it's sexist because the women are prancing around naked. My friend is one of those people where on facebook everybody praises him constantly and I think for him, hearing the truth was not something he wanted.
He reacted rather dramatically about it and for me, I am not one to be rude about expressing my opinions. I do try to be diplomatic. I did feel that if you don't want people to comment on what you post, then don't share things on facebook. To me facebook is about sharing stuff and part of sharing stuff means hearing opinions of people that you may not agree with.
For example, I posted how I thought it was gross that Patrick Stewart is engaged to a woman half his age. I think she is probably using him on some level because most 35 year old women (like me) would never want to marry a 70 year old man unless we had intentions of getting his money. Seriously no normal woman would date a man that old and I could care less if he was Patrick Stewart. Women like that are gold diggers. Many people disagreed with me but I didn't throw a hissy fit over it. I accept that people have different opinions. I have only removed one friend because his differing opinions was rude and disrespectful towards me (I removed him about a few years ago well before this recent Patrick Steward comment. This was a regular pattern of his and I had enough. Had he been more polite, I would have not removed him. He was just too antagonizing towards me and has anger issues). I certainly do not want to upset my friends and that is usually why I try to be diplomatic on my opinions.
This stuff all happened when the Music awards came out. People can get so reactive to things. I really don't understand why women think that song was about rape. I read the lyrics and the only explicit line was about "tearing your ass in two". Overall I felt this song was about a really horny guy and that quote was really him expressing his interest in anal sex. It had nothing to do with rape. Unless he sang "I'm going to fuck you against your will and fuck you even though you are fighting back and shouting no", then yes I would say he's singing about rape.
Sometimes I can't believe how reactive people are. I guess people are projecting their own sexual issues onto this song which is the perfect scapegoat.
I really wish my friend would have acknowledged that yes the video is sexist. You can still enjoy the song but to not acknowledge that the video is degrading to women and is sexist is disrespectful. This person is a minority as he is gay and so if the situation were reversed, i.e. a bubbly song that had a hateful message to gay people, I think many people would not support the song.
This basically goes back to something I have read about namely how Feminism is not a respected movement in comparison to liberating other minorities like gays, racial issues, etc. It's not okay to support things that put women down and basically show them as sex objects. I think most of all that was sad was that someone who belonged to a marginalized group was partaking in this marginalization of women. If your part of a sub culture that was abused and invalidated, it's not right to promote the abuse and invalidation of other equally marginalized groups like Women.
Saturday, September 28, 2013
Head Stand
Greetings all,
I did a workshop a couple of weeks ago at the Sivananda centre by my place as I am on their email list. I don't regularly practice their yoga style as I tend to do kundalini yoga but they did offer a one hour workshop on doing headstand and that was one of the few postures in yoga that I have not mastered but want to. The other ones are crow, scorpion, peacock and hand stand.
Half of being able to master the pose is having enough strength and a solid base. The other half is mental. Fortunately the amount of strength required isn't too intense. If you can do dolphin pose, then you should have enough strength to master this.
When I was first doing it, it just made me laugh. The posture is just funny to be in, at least it was for me. It took a couple of tries and I was able to do it. One of the instructors was lightly holding my legs.
I was glad that I went to this because head stand is definitely the type of posture that requires having an experienced teacher showing you the proper mechanics, otherwise it could be dangerous.
I tried it a few days later and got myself into half head stand. I was okay with that and didn't want to push myself. I tried again today outside at my parent's house and did a few times just being in half head stand. They said it's good to just stay comfortable in half head stand because from there, getting the legs up is easy. I really wanted to feel this feeling of being upside down in this position so I did allow myself the chance to relax in it.
Eventually I decided to lift my legs up and I was able to hold it for a minute or 2. I am not coming down totally with control. A couple of times I had partial control. That's key too; to be able to come down with the same grace and control as when you go up. I'm really pleased I was able to do it on my own today. It's a sign to me that I'm becoming a yogini. I mean, I always was but this is one of the major poses to be able to do and it really isn't hard. It just requires some patience
I think I will continue to practice this and really get comfortable with it. It's truly an experience to support yourself on your elbows and have your feet suspended. It's different then say lying on your back and lifting your feet up.
I did a workshop a couple of weeks ago at the Sivananda centre by my place as I am on their email list. I don't regularly practice their yoga style as I tend to do kundalini yoga but they did offer a one hour workshop on doing headstand and that was one of the few postures in yoga that I have not mastered but want to. The other ones are crow, scorpion, peacock and hand stand.
Half of being able to master the pose is having enough strength and a solid base. The other half is mental. Fortunately the amount of strength required isn't too intense. If you can do dolphin pose, then you should have enough strength to master this.
When I was first doing it, it just made me laugh. The posture is just funny to be in, at least it was for me. It took a couple of tries and I was able to do it. One of the instructors was lightly holding my legs.
I was glad that I went to this because head stand is definitely the type of posture that requires having an experienced teacher showing you the proper mechanics, otherwise it could be dangerous.
I tried it a few days later and got myself into half head stand. I was okay with that and didn't want to push myself. I tried again today outside at my parent's house and did a few times just being in half head stand. They said it's good to just stay comfortable in half head stand because from there, getting the legs up is easy. I really wanted to feel this feeling of being upside down in this position so I did allow myself the chance to relax in it.
Eventually I decided to lift my legs up and I was able to hold it for a minute or 2. I am not coming down totally with control. A couple of times I had partial control. That's key too; to be able to come down with the same grace and control as when you go up. I'm really pleased I was able to do it on my own today. It's a sign to me that I'm becoming a yogini. I mean, I always was but this is one of the major poses to be able to do and it really isn't hard. It just requires some patience
I think I will continue to practice this and really get comfortable with it. It's truly an experience to support yourself on your elbows and have your feet suspended. It's different then say lying on your back and lifting your feet up.
Friday, September 13, 2013
Finding Dimes
Greetings all,
Today I found a dime when I went to reschedule an appointment with the school counseling services (more for managing my seasonal affective disorder). I found one a couple of days ago and one on Sunday so this week alone I've found 3 dimes. I also found one or two during the past few weeks so I'm starting to wonder if it's someone from the spiritual world trying to hint that they are with me. I don't know, but it's starting to seem more then just a coincidence since I normally don't find dimes. I hope they start dropping larger denominations like toonies or even $5.
Today I found a dime when I went to reschedule an appointment with the school counseling services (more for managing my seasonal affective disorder). I found one a couple of days ago and one on Sunday so this week alone I've found 3 dimes. I also found one or two during the past few weeks so I'm starting to wonder if it's someone from the spiritual world trying to hint that they are with me. I don't know, but it's starting to seem more then just a coincidence since I normally don't find dimes. I hope they start dropping larger denominations like toonies or even $5.
Friday, August 09, 2013
My Bound Lotus Practice
Greetings all,
My Bound Lotus (BL) practice has been going okay. I started it on May 13 and may do a 1000 day discipline. I've done 40 day, 90 day and 120 day disciplines many times but never a 1000 day. There's no intermediary discipline, although I probably could aim for 500. If I do decide to do 1000 days, I'll probably finish it by the time I graduate school so maybe this practice will guide me through my math and stats courses.
I've been purging and clearing a lot of stuff emotionally. The emotional theme that I seem to be constantly going through is that of feeling my heart break. I'm not even sure what it's about, just that I feel so much pain that it breaks my heart.
I'm experiencing deep sadness so I guess it's good that it is being cleared but I am a little frustrated because I do not know the source of my heart break. Is it past life traumas coming up to surface? I've cleared a lot with my Sat Kriya and Gan Pattee practice so wonder why it seems I have so much to purge.
Last night was a bit different because I started to feel anger. So far I haven't really felt anger in this meditation. I felt angry towards god and I felt abandoned by god. Now I'm agnostic so I am not a believer or disbeliever in god. I'm just not sure if a god is real. I don't feel I've had enough experiences to indicate there is a god. Based on my own experiences, I would guess there isn't a god but I choose to be Agnostic, because hey who knows if there is.
I've felt this way before, namely feeling abandoned by god and it is heart breaking. If God was real, shouldn't he be there for you? I felt abandoned because I feel I have been a good person in this life and all that I experience is pain and suffering. I want a normal life. I want a comfortable life, not one always filled with pain. I want good friends, not ones that turn on me and hurt me. I want a good boyfriend who will become my husband in time so that we can have a family. I don't want someone that isn't loyal to me and would rather spend time with other women. I want a good job instead of always being laid off and I want to make more money and have time to travel.
I just don't feel this life has been easy for me whereas for others it seems everything comes easy. They are no better then me. Here I am doing my spiritual practice and trying to be a good person and yet I get no reward for it. It is painful. My life has been very difficult and painful and people just invalidate my pain. You haven't walked in my shoes, you don't feel what I feel. You don't know what I've been through emotionally.
I'm not sure what to make of this feeling abandoned or the constant feeling of my heart breaking but I will just have to continue with my practice. Others on a facebook group has commented on how BL makes them feel strong but I am not at that point. I feel very weak and also very heart broken. Hopefully BL can help me heal things quickly because I would like to feel clear and happy again.
My Bound Lotus (BL) practice has been going okay. I started it on May 13 and may do a 1000 day discipline. I've done 40 day, 90 day and 120 day disciplines many times but never a 1000 day. There's no intermediary discipline, although I probably could aim for 500. If I do decide to do 1000 days, I'll probably finish it by the time I graduate school so maybe this practice will guide me through my math and stats courses.
I've been purging and clearing a lot of stuff emotionally. The emotional theme that I seem to be constantly going through is that of feeling my heart break. I'm not even sure what it's about, just that I feel so much pain that it breaks my heart.
I'm experiencing deep sadness so I guess it's good that it is being cleared but I am a little frustrated because I do not know the source of my heart break. Is it past life traumas coming up to surface? I've cleared a lot with my Sat Kriya and Gan Pattee practice so wonder why it seems I have so much to purge.
Last night was a bit different because I started to feel anger. So far I haven't really felt anger in this meditation. I felt angry towards god and I felt abandoned by god. Now I'm agnostic so I am not a believer or disbeliever in god. I'm just not sure if a god is real. I don't feel I've had enough experiences to indicate there is a god. Based on my own experiences, I would guess there isn't a god but I choose to be Agnostic, because hey who knows if there is.
I've felt this way before, namely feeling abandoned by god and it is heart breaking. If God was real, shouldn't he be there for you? I felt abandoned because I feel I have been a good person in this life and all that I experience is pain and suffering. I want a normal life. I want a comfortable life, not one always filled with pain. I want good friends, not ones that turn on me and hurt me. I want a good boyfriend who will become my husband in time so that we can have a family. I don't want someone that isn't loyal to me and would rather spend time with other women. I want a good job instead of always being laid off and I want to make more money and have time to travel.
I just don't feel this life has been easy for me whereas for others it seems everything comes easy. They are no better then me. Here I am doing my spiritual practice and trying to be a good person and yet I get no reward for it. It is painful. My life has been very difficult and painful and people just invalidate my pain. You haven't walked in my shoes, you don't feel what I feel. You don't know what I've been through emotionally.
I'm not sure what to make of this feeling abandoned or the constant feeling of my heart breaking but I will just have to continue with my practice. Others on a facebook group has commented on how BL makes them feel strong but I am not at that point. I feel very weak and also very heart broken. Hopefully BL can help me heal things quickly because I would like to feel clear and happy again.
Friday, July 26, 2013
A Moment of Enlightenment
Greetings all,
I was reading a blog that was commenting on an article about how we are not the same person entitled, You Won't Stay the Same. The blog that directed me to this is a dating/relationship advice blog that I regularly read. Basically when we look back on our lives, we don't know as much as we think we do until we gain more experience. For example, I can't relate to who I was when I was 28. This person is different from who I am now, not as mature and still learning. This was one of the subjects that I've been mulling over for some time, namely because it seems like we are always changing. I feel I've changed a lot due to my kundalini yoga and meditation practice and I have wondered how can I ever find the right person if I am always changing?
Since I've been doing KY for about 5 years, I've really grown and I was leaving a few responses on the blog about my own KY experience and then I realized that it's not so much we change, but what changes is our perception. There is a self that never changes and I think what confused me was I was thinking because my perceptions are changing, it means I am but that's not the reality. It's just my perceptions are changing. I think my current Bound Lotus practice might have had something to do with this insight but it is also something I heard in Sat Nam Rasayan workshops and BL is using the same principles of SNR so that made me feel really enlightened today. SNR talks about how we have to accept all perceptions and that none is better then another. We are always reacting rather then observing our reactions and responding from a neutral place.
This whole insight made my day. It's not me that is changing. It's just my perceptions. I'm still the same person but it's my perceptions that are changing, evolving and being refined. It's a grounding, centered thought.
I was reading a blog that was commenting on an article about how we are not the same person entitled, You Won't Stay the Same. The blog that directed me to this is a dating/relationship advice blog that I regularly read. Basically when we look back on our lives, we don't know as much as we think we do until we gain more experience. For example, I can't relate to who I was when I was 28. This person is different from who I am now, not as mature and still learning. This was one of the subjects that I've been mulling over for some time, namely because it seems like we are always changing. I feel I've changed a lot due to my kundalini yoga and meditation practice and I have wondered how can I ever find the right person if I am always changing?
Since I've been doing KY for about 5 years, I've really grown and I was leaving a few responses on the blog about my own KY experience and then I realized that it's not so much we change, but what changes is our perception. There is a self that never changes and I think what confused me was I was thinking because my perceptions are changing, it means I am but that's not the reality. It's just my perceptions are changing. I think my current Bound Lotus practice might have had something to do with this insight but it is also something I heard in Sat Nam Rasayan workshops and BL is using the same principles of SNR so that made me feel really enlightened today. SNR talks about how we have to accept all perceptions and that none is better then another. We are always reacting rather then observing our reactions and responding from a neutral place.
This whole insight made my day. It's not me that is changing. It's just my perceptions. I'm still the same person but it's my perceptions that are changing, evolving and being refined. It's a grounding, centered thought.
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Team Atheist
Greetings all,
I decided I will be an atheist. For a week or two. Just to see as an experiment. I wrote back in December last year how I thought about becoming an atheist. As an anthroposophist(spiritual philosophy), it's a bit of a 'taboo' to not believe in god since much of anthroposophy discusses spiritual beings and I have read a lot about this subject and not just the spiritual parts as Steiner talks about other things not just spiritual beings.
I decided, why not? Let's try not believing in god for a while. It's not going to hurt. I think maybe I was afraid to go down that route but why not try as an experiment? So we'll see how it goes.
Fuck you god! Not that it matters since you're not real anyways!
I decided I will be an atheist. For a week or two. Just to see as an experiment. I wrote back in December last year how I thought about becoming an atheist. As an anthroposophist(spiritual philosophy), it's a bit of a 'taboo' to not believe in god since much of anthroposophy discusses spiritual beings and I have read a lot about this subject and not just the spiritual parts as Steiner talks about other things not just spiritual beings.
I decided, why not? Let's try not believing in god for a while. It's not going to hurt. I think maybe I was afraid to go down that route but why not try as an experiment? So we'll see how it goes.
Fuck you god! Not that it matters since you're not real anyways!
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Bound Lotus
Greetings all,
I started working since last week I think with the Bound Lotus meditation. I've worked with it before but could never really get into it. I still enjoy doing my Sat Kriya and Gan Pattee Kriya but those involve chanting and Bound Lotus basically involves no chanting. I just feel like I want to sit and do nothing. I've done other silent meditation but in Bound Lotus the goal is to wrap yourself in full lotus and have your hands behind your back, grabbing your toes while you bend forward.
It looks like this:
I'm not officially doing a 40 day discipline but I probably should. In the beginning, I felt like it was supporting me and I really enjoy bowing my head. Bowing the head is good for surrendering but also for feeling a sense of humility, which is a quality I feel our society is sorely lacking.
Spirit Voyage did a Global Sadhana a few years ago so you can learn more here
This is a good meditation for Sat Nam Rasayan practitioners such as myself since it helps get us to a state of stillness. Right now I am doing it in half lotus and can just grab my elbows but it's an interesting sensation and maybe it'll help me more in life.
I started working since last week I think with the Bound Lotus meditation. I've worked with it before but could never really get into it. I still enjoy doing my Sat Kriya and Gan Pattee Kriya but those involve chanting and Bound Lotus basically involves no chanting. I just feel like I want to sit and do nothing. I've done other silent meditation but in Bound Lotus the goal is to wrap yourself in full lotus and have your hands behind your back, grabbing your toes while you bend forward.
It looks like this:
I'm not officially doing a 40 day discipline but I probably should. In the beginning, I felt like it was supporting me and I really enjoy bowing my head. Bowing the head is good for surrendering but also for feeling a sense of humility, which is a quality I feel our society is sorely lacking.
Spirit Voyage did a Global Sadhana a few years ago so you can learn more here
This is a good meditation for Sat Nam Rasayan practitioners such as myself since it helps get us to a state of stillness. Right now I am doing it in half lotus and can just grab my elbows but it's an interesting sensation and maybe it'll help me more in life.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Moving
Greetings all,
I was apartment hunting and found a place. It's pretty hard to find something decent in Toronto. The vacancy rate is about 2%. I will be within walking distance to my school and I will be living in the trendy neighborhood known as The Annex and not the up-and-coming-ghetto known as Parkdale.
I was looking for shared accommodation since it's a bit cheaper then getting a 1 bedroom. I will be moving into a house. I was looking at a few places last year and in the beginning of this year but didn't really find anything that I liked. I looked at one earlier this year before my semester started that was by the school but the room was super tiny and would not work for me.
I looked at a few places last year but they mostly were slightly too far. Still within walking distance but more like the walking would be 40 minutes. Not bad and something I could manage but since it was still early, I decided to keep on looking.
Last week I looked at a place and the woman was a therapist. She talked like one and I think for me, it would drive me batty to be living somewhere where I always have to talk about my feelings and dialogue. I'm a doer damn it, sometimes I just don't want to talk and want to get things done! I already had my reservations about the place going in because she had a few other tenants and they all participated in this shared cooking arrangement where you cook one meal a week for everyone and so does everyone else. I think 4 people would be in the house so you would have to cook for yourself 3 nights of the week. It's not too bad sounding and she seemed flexible about the arrangement but I think for me, it may not work and may feel too stifling. I am a very fussy eater and I wouldn't want to burden someone else with my weird food quirks and basically limit what they prepare for me since there are so many foods I don't like to eat. They did have someone in the house who had to eat gluten free but I think my level of fussiness surpasses that.
The room ended up being too small for my liking and was basically smaller then my old room. And that room was pretty small to begin with!
I am glad that I don't live in my old apartment as I was having issues with roaches and that's always a drag to have to live in. I guess I could have moved and put effort into finding a new place as I was there for 3 years but I hate moving and I at least knew my place was in my budget. I really think if I had a better job, I'd be able to have a better life and be willing to spend more but I remember reading that your housing costs should be 1/3 of your income but it never has been in my case. It usually ends up being 50% of my living costs.
The thing with living with the roaches was that it wasn't horribly bad. It seemed worse in the summer because they would probably hide in the winter in the walls. I would use my own baits. I would use orange juice with a bit of dish washer fluid. I also used boric acid with peanut butter.
The super would get someone to come in to use some special dusting to get rid of them. It would help but because it wasn't done regularly, after 3 months you would start seeing more.
The person who lived above me who is no longer there said he had roaches too but the super lived a few rooms down from him and said she had no problems. I wonder if she was just lying because her room wasn't that far away. My building was a small one and only had 3 floors and a basement so I think it was possible that the whole building probably was infested.
It made me feel very shameful to have to live with that. It wasn't always bad as there were times when I wouldn't see any for about 4 days and then I would see 3-5 in one day. I think when I first moved in, I didn't see a problem for about 3 months. I think the place probably got sprayed about 3 times in the entire 3 years I was there. I think it made me paranoid.
I hope my new place doesn't have any. I would Bed Bug Registry to check out places to make sure they didn't have pest issues. Unfortunately when I was looking online at apartments, I did notice according to that site that some places had a pest issue as people also list roaches and not just bed bugs. It certainly was a handy resource because it would save me the time from visiting places that have this problem.
I think the probability of having roaches is pretty slim in a house, although I had one friend tell me his parents had them in their home because of their neighbor. I didn't notice any reports for my new place. I guess it's possible but I am hoping there isn't. I didn't notice anything particular.
My room is a fairly decent sized room. I will have to leave my kitchen table at my parents because it has a kitchen already. There is no living room but I did look at another place in a nearby neighborhood had also didn't have a living room. This place was better since the room was bigger. It would have been nice to have a living room but I didn't want to risk not being able to find a place for the fall since I am planning on going to school full time and didn't want to commute every day from Hamilton.
I was apartment hunting and found a place. It's pretty hard to find something decent in Toronto. The vacancy rate is about 2%. I will be within walking distance to my school and I will be living in the trendy neighborhood known as The Annex and not the up-and-coming-ghetto known as Parkdale.
I was looking for shared accommodation since it's a bit cheaper then getting a 1 bedroom. I will be moving into a house. I was looking at a few places last year and in the beginning of this year but didn't really find anything that I liked. I looked at one earlier this year before my semester started that was by the school but the room was super tiny and would not work for me.
I looked at a few places last year but they mostly were slightly too far. Still within walking distance but more like the walking would be 40 minutes. Not bad and something I could manage but since it was still early, I decided to keep on looking.
Last week I looked at a place and the woman was a therapist. She talked like one and I think for me, it would drive me batty to be living somewhere where I always have to talk about my feelings and dialogue. I'm a doer damn it, sometimes I just don't want to talk and want to get things done! I already had my reservations about the place going in because she had a few other tenants and they all participated in this shared cooking arrangement where you cook one meal a week for everyone and so does everyone else. I think 4 people would be in the house so you would have to cook for yourself 3 nights of the week. It's not too bad sounding and she seemed flexible about the arrangement but I think for me, it may not work and may feel too stifling. I am a very fussy eater and I wouldn't want to burden someone else with my weird food quirks and basically limit what they prepare for me since there are so many foods I don't like to eat. They did have someone in the house who had to eat gluten free but I think my level of fussiness surpasses that.
The room ended up being too small for my liking and was basically smaller then my old room. And that room was pretty small to begin with!
I am glad that I don't live in my old apartment as I was having issues with roaches and that's always a drag to have to live in. I guess I could have moved and put effort into finding a new place as I was there for 3 years but I hate moving and I at least knew my place was in my budget. I really think if I had a better job, I'd be able to have a better life and be willing to spend more but I remember reading that your housing costs should be 1/3 of your income but it never has been in my case. It usually ends up being 50% of my living costs.
The thing with living with the roaches was that it wasn't horribly bad. It seemed worse in the summer because they would probably hide in the winter in the walls. I would use my own baits. I would use orange juice with a bit of dish washer fluid. I also used boric acid with peanut butter.
The super would get someone to come in to use some special dusting to get rid of them. It would help but because it wasn't done regularly, after 3 months you would start seeing more.
The person who lived above me who is no longer there said he had roaches too but the super lived a few rooms down from him and said she had no problems. I wonder if she was just lying because her room wasn't that far away. My building was a small one and only had 3 floors and a basement so I think it was possible that the whole building probably was infested.
It made me feel very shameful to have to live with that. It wasn't always bad as there were times when I wouldn't see any for about 4 days and then I would see 3-5 in one day. I think when I first moved in, I didn't see a problem for about 3 months. I think the place probably got sprayed about 3 times in the entire 3 years I was there. I think it made me paranoid.
I hope my new place doesn't have any. I would Bed Bug Registry to check out places to make sure they didn't have pest issues. Unfortunately when I was looking online at apartments, I did notice according to that site that some places had a pest issue as people also list roaches and not just bed bugs. It certainly was a handy resource because it would save me the time from visiting places that have this problem.
I think the probability of having roaches is pretty slim in a house, although I had one friend tell me his parents had them in their home because of their neighbor. I didn't notice any reports for my new place. I guess it's possible but I am hoping there isn't. I didn't notice anything particular.
My room is a fairly decent sized room. I will have to leave my kitchen table at my parents because it has a kitchen already. There is no living room but I did look at another place in a nearby neighborhood had also didn't have a living room. This place was better since the room was bigger. It would have been nice to have a living room but I didn't want to risk not being able to find a place for the fall since I am planning on going to school full time and didn't want to commute every day from Hamilton.
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