Saturday, June 17, 2006
Paranoia
I've been having to encounter many different personalities due to a new job that I have. Some people I'm noticing are mildly paranoid. It got me thinking about the nature of people whom are paranoid. It's pretty clear to me that the roots of paranoia is egoism. It's some weird combination of fear and ego mixed together. For a paranoid person, everyone is out to get them or someone is out to make their life difficult. They seem to possess this myopic sense of self. What is so special about you and about information that you possess that would make someone go out of their way to get it? Yes there are some people who actually have valuable access to info and probably need to possess a certain amount of discrimination towards whom they are to open up to. But realistically most people are nobody important. There are billions of people on this planet. What makes you so sure that you are the one being targeted?
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Google for your soul
My meditation disciplines are going well. Lots of soul searching. Everyone seems to be doing interesting things for the summer like going to Ireland or to the East Coast. But no not me, I am chooseing to explore my inner world and my soul. This is the sucky part of undergoing meditation disciplines. It requires a great deal of introspection and it is a lot of work. So I was thinking that it would be nice if someone invented a search engine for the soul. The world needs an inner google so that we can quickly sift through our inner issues quickly and efficiently.
I got a call today from one of the owners of the agency and he wanted to know about my pay situation. I told him about it and about the letter I wrote and about how my problem was with the manager/owner and not the staffing consultant and how she told me she got pulled aside. I was glad to have them phone me back. I hope this manager gets in shit because that psycho deserves it. I filed a complaint with the government about their violation of the Employment Act so I basically don't care about the situation anymore. I got my money. I filed my complaints. I followed through on my letter that I sent to them.
I was reading my local paper this morning and was reading an article by a regular columnist. He ususally does humour type columns and he mentioned 2 of my passions; Steiner and improv. If I were paranoid and mentally unstable, I would probably think he was directing this article to me and speaking in code. It was a column about raising kids and how there are always these theories that get put out on how to raise your kids.
I finished reading this book on cults by Margaret Thaler Singer entitled Cults in our Midst. It talks about how they operate and some psychological tactics they use to get people involved. They are highly deceptive. Many people wonder how someone would get sucked in but this book explains how it is usually done. Usually cults are very nice to you and at first they do no coerce you. Eventually through their psychological tactics they make people dependent on them. They also recruit people with social status such as doctors and lawyers because if people see that intelligent people are apart of it, then it can't be that bad.
I began contemplating whether my interest in antroposophy could be considered cultish. I've contemplated this before I think it's important to review and critique the activities that you do in life. Many cults tend to register as a church so they can evade taxes. I don't think anthroposophy is recognized as a 'church'. I don't think during Steiner's time, there was that status. I don't think he really profited from all the lecturing he did. I wikkied Steiner and they seemed to have a good description of his work. It's a philosophy and he would state that you have to question and think. Many cults advocate no thinking but he clearly argues and discussing the necessity of thinking and devotes much thought to thinking about thinking, which is what Philosophy of Freedom deals with. He also discusses how an interest in spirituality should not get in the way of doing your earthly tasks. So if you have a job and children and friends, an interest in anthroposophy should not make you slack off in these areas.
There are some critiques mainly from people in the US about the Waldorf system and how they believe anthroposophy is being taught in the schools and is therefore a religion. (this is completely untrue. Anthroposophy is specifically not meant to be discussed to children.)It has to do with how certain schools got public funding. The situation is different up here in Canada so I can't really explain well but there is stuff on the net. This group of people had their own online group and I might have joined for 2 weeks but they were quite full of venom and hatred. They were distorting so much about the Waldorf system. I'm all for challenging and questioning ideas, especially anthroposophy but if you're going to act like your beliefs are so right and you're not willing to rethink some of your ideas and listen to other people's perspective, then we can't have a useful dialogue. I see very little point in discussing things with people like that because whatever their issue is, it is clearly an emotional issue and rational thought will do no good.
For me, I enjoy reading his lectures and books. It's pleasurable for me. I'm interested in spiritual ideas and he's not the only person I've read. In my youth I was interested in other religions. I just have a preference for his work. I will continue to explore my own spiritual nature and I guess that anthroposophy is just one piece of my spiritual toolkit. Anyways, I feel like I have to justify my interest but I really shouldn't. I am what I am, I do what I do and that's that!
I got a call today from one of the owners of the agency and he wanted to know about my pay situation. I told him about it and about the letter I wrote and about how my problem was with the manager/owner and not the staffing consultant and how she told me she got pulled aside. I was glad to have them phone me back. I hope this manager gets in shit because that psycho deserves it. I filed a complaint with the government about their violation of the Employment Act so I basically don't care about the situation anymore. I got my money. I filed my complaints. I followed through on my letter that I sent to them.
I was reading my local paper this morning and was reading an article by a regular columnist. He ususally does humour type columns and he mentioned 2 of my passions; Steiner and improv. If I were paranoid and mentally unstable, I would probably think he was directing this article to me and speaking in code. It was a column about raising kids and how there are always these theories that get put out on how to raise your kids.
I finished reading this book on cults by Margaret Thaler Singer entitled Cults in our Midst. It talks about how they operate and some psychological tactics they use to get people involved. They are highly deceptive. Many people wonder how someone would get sucked in but this book explains how it is usually done. Usually cults are very nice to you and at first they do no coerce you. Eventually through their psychological tactics they make people dependent on them. They also recruit people with social status such as doctors and lawyers because if people see that intelligent people are apart of it, then it can't be that bad.
I began contemplating whether my interest in antroposophy could be considered cultish. I've contemplated this before I think it's important to review and critique the activities that you do in life. Many cults tend to register as a church so they can evade taxes. I don't think anthroposophy is recognized as a 'church'. I don't think during Steiner's time, there was that status. I don't think he really profited from all the lecturing he did. I wikkied Steiner and they seemed to have a good description of his work. It's a philosophy and he would state that you have to question and think. Many cults advocate no thinking but he clearly argues and discussing the necessity of thinking and devotes much thought to thinking about thinking, which is what Philosophy of Freedom deals with. He also discusses how an interest in spirituality should not get in the way of doing your earthly tasks. So if you have a job and children and friends, an interest in anthroposophy should not make you slack off in these areas.
There are some critiques mainly from people in the US about the Waldorf system and how they believe anthroposophy is being taught in the schools and is therefore a religion. (this is completely untrue. Anthroposophy is specifically not meant to be discussed to children.)It has to do with how certain schools got public funding. The situation is different up here in Canada so I can't really explain well but there is stuff on the net. This group of people had their own online group and I might have joined for 2 weeks but they were quite full of venom and hatred. They were distorting so much about the Waldorf system. I'm all for challenging and questioning ideas, especially anthroposophy but if you're going to act like your beliefs are so right and you're not willing to rethink some of your ideas and listen to other people's perspective, then we can't have a useful dialogue. I see very little point in discussing things with people like that because whatever their issue is, it is clearly an emotional issue and rational thought will do no good.
For me, I enjoy reading his lectures and books. It's pleasurable for me. I'm interested in spiritual ideas and he's not the only person I've read. In my youth I was interested in other religions. I just have a preference for his work. I will continue to explore my own spiritual nature and I guess that anthroposophy is just one piece of my spiritual toolkit. Anyways, I feel like I have to justify my interest but I really shouldn't. I am what I am, I do what I do and that's that!
Saturday, June 10, 2006
Temp News
Greetings and salutations,
I have managed to solve my financial dilemna with the temp agency. I don't really want to go too much into it. I ended up having to call the head office and told them that I didn't get paid. The agency is a franchise so the head office at least has some interest in making sure the offices aren't causing too much trouble. I called the head office after speaking with the owner of the agency and again she just didn't seem to really get the concept that I was wronged and that I should get money in some form. I ended up speaking with a staffing consultant after I called the head office and we had agreed that I would get a certificate. Now I never bothered calling the head office again to let them know that we had agreed on a certificate for the mall but I found out on Monday that this staffing consultant was pulled aside for this problem. I spoke to her and she felt like I went behind her back. Unfortunately I never had a problem with her. She has always been nice. I felt like the head office should know about this incident regardless so I didn't bother calling them back. It's unfortunate that she got in trouble because it was really the owner that should have gotten in trouble. I don't know what happened to the owner and if the owner got in trouble.
I am not sure if I should call the head office again and let them know how much trouble the owner was giving me and how I had to send a letter. This staffing consultant shouldn't have gotten flak but I don't know if I should tell the head office. I also should have told the head office that my pay stubs were missing for quite some time and that they violated section 12 of the Employment Act and how the owner said that I was wrong even though I spoke to 2 people from the Ministry of Labour.
I filed a complaint with the Ministry of Labour about the section 12 violation and it will probably take a while.
I was contacted by someone from the Guelph agency and they notified me I was getting a paycheque. So I'll have to pick that up.
Any advice on whether I should complain about the owner to the Head office and possibly send them a letter? I don't know. How many other people is this woman pissing off with her ignorant way of conducting business? I asked the staffing consultant if she liked the owner, her boss and she said yes and that she's really nice. I just don't understand why the owner didn't just offer me a certicate in the first place.
I like the idea that I can get this owner in trouble but it would take some effort, mind you a phone call or two. I'm always getting into trouble and offending others, it would be fun to get someone else in trouble for a change.
I have managed to solve my financial dilemna with the temp agency. I don't really want to go too much into it. I ended up having to call the head office and told them that I didn't get paid. The agency is a franchise so the head office at least has some interest in making sure the offices aren't causing too much trouble. I called the head office after speaking with the owner of the agency and again she just didn't seem to really get the concept that I was wronged and that I should get money in some form. I ended up speaking with a staffing consultant after I called the head office and we had agreed that I would get a certificate. Now I never bothered calling the head office again to let them know that we had agreed on a certificate for the mall but I found out on Monday that this staffing consultant was pulled aside for this problem. I spoke to her and she felt like I went behind her back. Unfortunately I never had a problem with her. She has always been nice. I felt like the head office should know about this incident regardless so I didn't bother calling them back. It's unfortunate that she got in trouble because it was really the owner that should have gotten in trouble. I don't know what happened to the owner and if the owner got in trouble.
I am not sure if I should call the head office again and let them know how much trouble the owner was giving me and how I had to send a letter. This staffing consultant shouldn't have gotten flak but I don't know if I should tell the head office. I also should have told the head office that my pay stubs were missing for quite some time and that they violated section 12 of the Employment Act and how the owner said that I was wrong even though I spoke to 2 people from the Ministry of Labour.
I filed a complaint with the Ministry of Labour about the section 12 violation and it will probably take a while.
I was contacted by someone from the Guelph agency and they notified me I was getting a paycheque. So I'll have to pick that up.
Any advice on whether I should complain about the owner to the Head office and possibly send them a letter? I don't know. How many other people is this woman pissing off with her ignorant way of conducting business? I asked the staffing consultant if she liked the owner, her boss and she said yes and that she's really nice. I just don't understand why the owner didn't just offer me a certicate in the first place.
I like the idea that I can get this owner in trouble but it would take some effort, mind you a phone call or two. I'm always getting into trouble and offending others, it would be fun to get someone else in trouble for a change.
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
MVEMSJUNP
I've been practicing my mantra meditations again. I started up a few months ago again after taking a month's break. It felt like longer. It's amazing how a week feels like a month for me. I feel like saying very little as I am deep in my meditations and it always feels like you're some miner or something, plumbing the depths of your soul and thoughts will bubble up or things get murky or you realize how stupid a once held previous belief or idea was. I'm at that stage where it's quiet but it's still digging deeper. I'm just waiting for something to come out, whether it is positive or negative. I've been trying to look for research online on the benefits of mantra meditation but I haven't found anything yet that meets my scientific requirements.
I'm practicing just a couple now. I have 2 main issues I am focusing on. My previous meditation attempts may not have gone as well because I was doing several and that can dilute your efforts. I've read that some disciplines may require the chanting of 125000 repititions to attain mantra siddha. In one book, someone had to do 3 of these to solve his dilema. Another person only did it for 2 weeks. It's all dependent on your particalur karma and so that's why I think for me these 2 issues that I am working on are more stubborn so I am making it a goal to do the 125,000 reps. I might do 3 of these if necessary. I'm going to see how it goes.
It doesn't take me long. I'm setting time in the morning and at night. I'm doing about 21 minutes or 7 rounds of 108, twice daily for my one discipline. The other one involves 2 mantras and I am doing 3 rounds of 108 for both, twice daily. That takes me 9 minutes for the one and 12 for the other. So my minimum meditation time is approximately 84 minutes. It's manageable for me, especially since I do it twice. I'm also keeping track of any extra rounds of 108 that I am doing.
I wonder if mantras are effective because there is really something to the sounds that they produce. I'm doing sanskrit mantras and it is based on the chakra system and that certain sounds stimulate certain parts of the chakras. I also wonder if it helps just because you are saying the same thing over and over.
I can't really say for sure. Because I'm under 28, I cannot use swaha as an ending. Many mantras end in swaha or namaha and if you are under 28, any swaha ending must be changed to namaha. It has to do with the energy of someone under 28 isn't ready for swaha. It might be related to that idea of Saturn making a full solar cycle in 28 years and so a human under 28 hasn't made a full solar cycle. Anyways, my point is that I rebelled because I am a spiritual rebel and I would chant my one mantra that normally ends with swaha instead of changing it to namaha. I might have switched the ending a week into it. I did it for a week but I starting to feel like I really shouldn't and I felt a bit off, like using this ending was too intense for me. Things were more normal when I went back to the namaha ending. But then I decided to try it again because I am impatient in my spiritual pursuits and I had that similar experience of where I was starting to feel it was too intense. I found myself more irritable.
I actually have a mantra program for relationships and there is a mantra for finding a spiritual wife and one for finding a spiritual husband. I want to do the discipline for finding a man but I've got other issues to work on and finding a mate isn't my top priority. The mantra for finding a wife has 13 words in it. Guess how many the mantra to find a husband is? It's only 4 words!
It's common for people in these new age groups to believe that they create their own realities but I have found that I don't have enough wisdom to create my own life. I have to submit my will to a higher will, a more all knowing will. I don't always know what's best for me. I may have a certain direction that I want a discipline to take but I can only do my work and let the universe or god sort out the rest. I don't run the show but I do have control over my life.
I'm practicing just a couple now. I have 2 main issues I am focusing on. My previous meditation attempts may not have gone as well because I was doing several and that can dilute your efforts. I've read that some disciplines may require the chanting of 125000 repititions to attain mantra siddha. In one book, someone had to do 3 of these to solve his dilema. Another person only did it for 2 weeks. It's all dependent on your particalur karma and so that's why I think for me these 2 issues that I am working on are more stubborn so I am making it a goal to do the 125,000 reps. I might do 3 of these if necessary. I'm going to see how it goes.
It doesn't take me long. I'm setting time in the morning and at night. I'm doing about 21 minutes or 7 rounds of 108, twice daily for my one discipline. The other one involves 2 mantras and I am doing 3 rounds of 108 for both, twice daily. That takes me 9 minutes for the one and 12 for the other. So my minimum meditation time is approximately 84 minutes. It's manageable for me, especially since I do it twice. I'm also keeping track of any extra rounds of 108 that I am doing.
I wonder if mantras are effective because there is really something to the sounds that they produce. I'm doing sanskrit mantras and it is based on the chakra system and that certain sounds stimulate certain parts of the chakras. I also wonder if it helps just because you are saying the same thing over and over.
I can't really say for sure. Because I'm under 28, I cannot use swaha as an ending. Many mantras end in swaha or namaha and if you are under 28, any swaha ending must be changed to namaha. It has to do with the energy of someone under 28 isn't ready for swaha. It might be related to that idea of Saturn making a full solar cycle in 28 years and so a human under 28 hasn't made a full solar cycle. Anyways, my point is that I rebelled because I am a spiritual rebel and I would chant my one mantra that normally ends with swaha instead of changing it to namaha. I might have switched the ending a week into it. I did it for a week but I starting to feel like I really shouldn't and I felt a bit off, like using this ending was too intense for me. Things were more normal when I went back to the namaha ending. But then I decided to try it again because I am impatient in my spiritual pursuits and I had that similar experience of where I was starting to feel it was too intense. I found myself more irritable.
I actually have a mantra program for relationships and there is a mantra for finding a spiritual wife and one for finding a spiritual husband. I want to do the discipline for finding a man but I've got other issues to work on and finding a mate isn't my top priority. The mantra for finding a wife has 13 words in it. Guess how many the mantra to find a husband is? It's only 4 words!
It's common for people in these new age groups to believe that they create their own realities but I have found that I don't have enough wisdom to create my own life. I have to submit my will to a higher will, a more all knowing will. I don't always know what's best for me. I may have a certain direction that I want a discipline to take but I can only do my work and let the universe or god sort out the rest. I don't run the show but I do have control over my life.
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Sugar
I'm in the mood for sugar. I am craving sweets right now. I bought some sour candy after my study group. I got those sour sticks, they're like licorice but are coated with sour sugar. I bought 3 packs of the blue raspberry ones and one of the strawberry. My study groups meets in someone's house in Dundas on Sundays and I went to the corner store near the Tim Horton's and apparently on a Sunday night that parking lot is filled with young unproductive teenagers and their cars. I also purchased myself a pack of new candy that I've never had called Warheads. They claim to be extremely sour. They even have a warning label on the back of the package stating "Eating multiple pieces within a short time period may cause a temporary irritation to sensitive tongues and mouths."
Let me give you a review on this product. These were not extreme sour like the package claimed. They give me this nice burst of sourness the very first time I had one but it only lasted for 2 seconds and then it just became a regular candy. If candy were living, I would inject some viagra into this because that's what it needs. It just didn't have the staying power. I'm a 'stayin' power' kind of gal. I'm not into sprinters, I'm into long distance runners. When I had another one, I embraced myself for this quick burst but it didn't seem necessary. I had already become desensitized. So I have one left now.
My other complaint has to do with the fact that the cocksucking manufacturers had to individually wrap each candy. These candies did not need to be individually wrapped. I found this product to be environmentally unfriendly. And I only got 8 of these candies in a bag. They are probably a bit smaller then a Werthers. Put more in the bag and get rid of the excess packaging. This product was imported by TOL/GAF Canada. There's no number that I could contact to complain but I will certainly not endorse this candy.
You are no Willy Wonka!
I have a wedding to go to this Saturday. It's my second cousin I believe. He's about 3 years younger then me. In my family there have been many weddings since 2000 since everyone was starting to hit their mid 20s or early 30s. There's probably a few more that will get married in the next few years and then there will be another draught. Weddings seem to be cyclical. My relative who's getting married is a cop and he apparently invited some cop friends to his stag and so maybe some of them will show up at the wedding and possibly be hot and single. My relative and his future wife went to my high school as well so I wonder if there will be people from my high school. I had 2 other second cousins go to the same high school but they never said hi to me but this relative did. He's a pretty nice person. I always had this sense of sadness for their family situation since their dad died when they were young. The father died in 1997, so my relative was around 15. And their mother has MS and she's had that for probably over 10 years. She's bed ridden as well. So his parents won't make it for the wedding. I think they had to grow up a bit faster as well and did not enjoy their youth as much since they had to help their mother.
I had this dream that some people I knew were on the Dr. Phil show. One person there I knew didn't really like Dr. Phil. I was sending them an email saying I saw them on the Dr. Phil show but then I realized that this was a dream and so I didn't need to email them.
Let me give you a review on this product. These were not extreme sour like the package claimed. They give me this nice burst of sourness the very first time I had one but it only lasted for 2 seconds and then it just became a regular candy. If candy were living, I would inject some viagra into this because that's what it needs. It just didn't have the staying power. I'm a 'stayin' power' kind of gal. I'm not into sprinters, I'm into long distance runners. When I had another one, I embraced myself for this quick burst but it didn't seem necessary. I had already become desensitized. So I have one left now.
My other complaint has to do with the fact that the cocksucking manufacturers had to individually wrap each candy. These candies did not need to be individually wrapped. I found this product to be environmentally unfriendly. And I only got 8 of these candies in a bag. They are probably a bit smaller then a Werthers. Put more in the bag and get rid of the excess packaging. This product was imported by TOL/GAF Canada. There's no number that I could contact to complain but I will certainly not endorse this candy.
You are no Willy Wonka!
I have a wedding to go to this Saturday. It's my second cousin I believe. He's about 3 years younger then me. In my family there have been many weddings since 2000 since everyone was starting to hit their mid 20s or early 30s. There's probably a few more that will get married in the next few years and then there will be another draught. Weddings seem to be cyclical. My relative who's getting married is a cop and he apparently invited some cop friends to his stag and so maybe some of them will show up at the wedding and possibly be hot and single. My relative and his future wife went to my high school as well so I wonder if there will be people from my high school. I had 2 other second cousins go to the same high school but they never said hi to me but this relative did. He's a pretty nice person. I always had this sense of sadness for their family situation since their dad died when they were young. The father died in 1997, so my relative was around 15. And their mother has MS and she's had that for probably over 10 years. She's bed ridden as well. So his parents won't make it for the wedding. I think they had to grow up a bit faster as well and did not enjoy their youth as much since they had to help their mother.
I had this dream that some people I knew were on the Dr. Phil show. One person there I knew didn't really like Dr. Phil. I was sending them an email saying I saw them on the Dr. Phil show but then I realized that this was a dream and so I didn't need to email them.
Monday, May 22, 2006
This man I know was interested in me going on a date with his son. I don't really like this man to begin with as he's quite paranoid. So if I think he's a loonie toon, why would I want to date his son? He showed me a picture of his son. The son looked quite old for his age. And he's 18. I told this man that I'm not interested in dating an 18 year old. He said his son was mature for his age. 18 year olds are so 2005. If I were to go out with this 18 year old who looks like he's 30, people would think he's the 27 year old and I'm the 18 year old.
I find it disturbing that a father would even attempt to get his son a date. This man asked for my number a long time ago so we could keep in touch but he's old and paranoid and gives me the willies. I thought he had a thing for me so that's why this whole 'date my son' creeps me out. I thought at first maybe he made up this whole idea that he had a son but it appears his son really does exist.
Another thing that disturbs me are arranged marriages. I found out someone I knew is having an arranged marriage in a few weeks. She's Muslim and her father is a priest or whatever the equivalent is for Muslims. I feel incredibly sorry for her. Her father is very strict. She's a nice girl but she has no will of her own. I understand the idea that the parents want what's best and probably 'know' what kind of a person would make a suitable marriage partner. I understand the idea that these people learn to love each other. It's whacked. It's such an archaic concept. I've read in magazine that it worked out for the couples and they were happy. Well many people who've been captured by kidnappers show great love towards their captors eventually and are even reluctant to leave. I don't understand these people. They enjoy having others dictate their life for them. They enjoy being a slave. I don't understand that. It's so beyond me. I consider myself pretty strong willed and I can't imagine having anyone tell me what to do. I'm open to listening to people but in the end it's up to me.
I think a better transition for this community would be that the parents have some sort of contest where suitors vie for their daughter's hand in marriage, like in American Idol. And the parents and their daughter can be judges.
This whole idea just gets me extremely angry. I get angry at religion and angry at these weak willed people who can't stand up for themselves. I get angry that people look to others for approval and can't direct their own lives. I don't like religion because it makes people complacent. I don't like how people just exist and don't have a clue on how to live.
I'm going to have to buy myself a dress for this wedding I have on the 3rd. I need a dress that says I'm classy but I'll put out on the second date. This relative of mine is about 3 or 4 years younger then me and he went to my high school. I wonder if he will invite any of his friends.
I find it disturbing that a father would even attempt to get his son a date. This man asked for my number a long time ago so we could keep in touch but he's old and paranoid and gives me the willies. I thought he had a thing for me so that's why this whole 'date my son' creeps me out. I thought at first maybe he made up this whole idea that he had a son but it appears his son really does exist.
Another thing that disturbs me are arranged marriages. I found out someone I knew is having an arranged marriage in a few weeks. She's Muslim and her father is a priest or whatever the equivalent is for Muslims. I feel incredibly sorry for her. Her father is very strict. She's a nice girl but she has no will of her own. I understand the idea that the parents want what's best and probably 'know' what kind of a person would make a suitable marriage partner. I understand the idea that these people learn to love each other. It's whacked. It's such an archaic concept. I've read in magazine that it worked out for the couples and they were happy. Well many people who've been captured by kidnappers show great love towards their captors eventually and are even reluctant to leave. I don't understand these people. They enjoy having others dictate their life for them. They enjoy being a slave. I don't understand that. It's so beyond me. I consider myself pretty strong willed and I can't imagine having anyone tell me what to do. I'm open to listening to people but in the end it's up to me.
I think a better transition for this community would be that the parents have some sort of contest where suitors vie for their daughter's hand in marriage, like in American Idol. And the parents and their daughter can be judges.
This whole idea just gets me extremely angry. I get angry at religion and angry at these weak willed people who can't stand up for themselves. I get angry that people look to others for approval and can't direct their own lives. I don't like religion because it makes people complacent. I don't like how people just exist and don't have a clue on how to live.
I'm going to have to buy myself a dress for this wedding I have on the 3rd. I need a dress that says I'm classy but I'll put out on the second date. This relative of mine is about 3 or 4 years younger then me and he went to my high school. I wonder if he will invite any of his friends.
Sunday, May 14, 2006
Le shower
I went to the bridal shower this afternoon. I'm not really a fan of events like these but it gives me a chance to socialize with my relatives and people watch. They gave us names of famous women or female characters. My mother was Christina Applegate and I was Marge Simpson. They gave out door prizes. Our table won this one contest where we do a scavenger list of the items in our purse. The list was quite long. I'm a minimalist so I keep the basics in my purse. Our table came in second and we might have missed 2 items. We didn't have nail polish. My mother had 4 items on the list and mainly supplied all the religious items that were on the list. She had a rosary in her purse and a picture of a saint. Other items on the list included a nail file, a stamp, American money, hand lotion, zip lock bags and a bunch of other stuff. I contributed nothing. I'm thinking who would carry all this stuff in their purse? Women are strange creatures! All I got in my purse is gum, tissues, my wallet, a mini notebook and pens.
There was this one game where someone from the table had to draw the future bride and they had to wear these silly glasses. I didn't do the drawing as drawing is not a strongpoint for me but I liked the glasses and decided to keep them. They may come in handy in the future. My hair is messy in this picture. Here is a picture of me afterwards with these special glasses.
The doorprizes I got include coasters and a manicure set. We got to pick from a table. There were lots of candles and by the time I got to win something, all the good prizes were taken. Some of these things were ornamental and I am definitely not a fan of candles. I like getting things I can use. I'm not a knicknack person. I know at least in the future I might possibly use coasters. The end was the best part because that was the chance to take home the cookies. These aren't storebought cookies, these are homemade cookies and some of them are deee-licious. Most of the cookies they had were cookies I didn't like but I mainly focused on getting chocolate type cookies.
There was this one type of dessert there that my mother used to always make when I was a child and it was a favourite of mine. I haven't had or seen this dessert for many, many years. They are called peaches and one side contained chocolate creme and the other contained vanilla. Ever since I've been improvising, some objects that I will encounter in my day, I will perceive them as something else. There's an exercise where we take an ordinary object and then pretend it's something else. Because I've done that exercise so many times, it is automatic for me to look at something and then imagine it as something else. So when I saw this peach dessert, it just looked like an ass. You know when you watch a porn and there's that scene where the woman bends over and gets it up the ass? Yeah you know what I'm talking about because every porn has that standard 'fuck her up the ass' shot. Yeah that's what I thought of when I saw this dessert. So here's a picture I took of the dessert. Does it look like porn ass or what?
There was this one game where someone from the table had to draw the future bride and they had to wear these silly glasses. I didn't do the drawing as drawing is not a strongpoint for me but I liked the glasses and decided to keep them. They may come in handy in the future. My hair is messy in this picture. Here is a picture of me afterwards with these special glasses.
The doorprizes I got include coasters and a manicure set. We got to pick from a table. There were lots of candles and by the time I got to win something, all the good prizes were taken. Some of these things were ornamental and I am definitely not a fan of candles. I like getting things I can use. I'm not a knicknack person. I know at least in the future I might possibly use coasters. The end was the best part because that was the chance to take home the cookies. These aren't storebought cookies, these are homemade cookies and some of them are deee-licious. Most of the cookies they had were cookies I didn't like but I mainly focused on getting chocolate type cookies.
There was this one type of dessert there that my mother used to always make when I was a child and it was a favourite of mine. I haven't had or seen this dessert for many, many years. They are called peaches and one side contained chocolate creme and the other contained vanilla. Ever since I've been improvising, some objects that I will encounter in my day, I will perceive them as something else. There's an exercise where we take an ordinary object and then pretend it's something else. Because I've done that exercise so many times, it is automatic for me to look at something and then imagine it as something else. So when I saw this peach dessert, it just looked like an ass. You know when you watch a porn and there's that scene where the woman bends over and gets it up the ass? Yeah you know what I'm talking about because every porn has that standard 'fuck her up the ass' shot. Yeah that's what I thought of when I saw this dessert. So here's a picture I took of the dessert. Does it look like porn ass or what?
Saturday, May 13, 2006
The Karma of Getting Laid
I actually have 2 prospects that I have been lusting over this past week. It is great. My mind has been continuously looping a tape about a certain ex of mine featuring thoughts as such "I still have feelings for you" and "Will we ever hook up in the future?" and now that tape has been thrown into the garbage and replaced with a wonderful dvd featuring new prospects. Clips include prospects throwing me up against the wall and throwing one into me. Ah yes nothing like new prospects to help you to move forward in your love life.
I haven't had a chance to talk with these prospects and I am slightly nervous to make an approach. My new dating plan that I implemented a few months ago was that if a guy was really interested in me, he would make an effort to ask me out. This was based on the book He's Just Not into You. My days of chasing dick are over. If a man really wants me, then he would do what it takes to ask me out.
So I'm thinking do I abandon this new dating plan and go for the men? I should at least make conversation. That really should be all that I am willing to do. I have already conversed briefly with one but don't see him often. My interaction with the other prospect just involves making eye contact(which he seems to reciprocate) and polite smiles. But someone must speak! This is what I dislike about meeting new people. Some days it's easy for me to take charge and ask who they are and their name and their interests and tell them about myself and other times I am just too filled with fear in taking that first step in connecting with someone socially.
It all seems so much like being in high school. I don't know if these prospects have women. They might. They might assume I have a boyfriend. Maybe they believe that it is now women who make the move in starting a relationship.
I think there's way too much dating 'experts' and people that provide advice on this whole dating experience. I tried reading some stuff by some guy named Christian Carter but I can hardly stomach any dating advice. Some of it is useful but they just complicate things. As a woman I'm told I need to control my emotions and if I'm having feelings for a guy, I have to do it in a certain way otherwise it will frighten the man. He'll perceive me as emotionally out of control if I don't try to establish that we have a serious relationship in a certain way.
I've also read the advice for men and again the same technique is used. Woman are blah blah blah and you have to be act this way and say this to be successful.
It reminds of me of kids on a playground and 2 friends are having some fight and there's one person who is the mediator who is going back and forth between these arguing friends and this mediator is the one that is really perpetuating the fight and confusing both sides and making up all sorts of nonsense just to alienate them from each other even more, for their own selfish amusement.
For years I've been sticking with the plan that I'm going to be myself and be honest to myself about myself and it has been working well for me. I'm sticking with this plan for expressing myself as I see fit and doing what I think is right. I'm sticking with this plan to trust my own inner guidance and instincts.
I don't want to continue my rant with the dating advice industry. I am happy to have new prospects to lust over and think unholy thoughts about.
I have 2 weddings that I will be attending this year. There's actually 3 relatives that are getting married but one of them I didn't get invited to and it's probably because there's so many other relatives for them to invite. Tomorrow I have a bridal shower to attend. I know that there's going to be lots of Italian cookies and other baked goodies. This young lady's brother got married 2 years ago and I attended that bridal shower and there was a plethora of cookies. I had to leave early because I had to attend a baby shower the same day. Italian weddings are really the best. You know Italians are going to do weddings right and have the good food and desert. You know the Italians are going to do it in a nice banquet hall not some cheap unclassy place. Tomorrow I will gorge.
I haven't had a chance to talk with these prospects and I am slightly nervous to make an approach. My new dating plan that I implemented a few months ago was that if a guy was really interested in me, he would make an effort to ask me out. This was based on the book He's Just Not into You. My days of chasing dick are over. If a man really wants me, then he would do what it takes to ask me out.
So I'm thinking do I abandon this new dating plan and go for the men? I should at least make conversation. That really should be all that I am willing to do. I have already conversed briefly with one but don't see him often. My interaction with the other prospect just involves making eye contact(which he seems to reciprocate) and polite smiles. But someone must speak! This is what I dislike about meeting new people. Some days it's easy for me to take charge and ask who they are and their name and their interests and tell them about myself and other times I am just too filled with fear in taking that first step in connecting with someone socially.
It all seems so much like being in high school. I don't know if these prospects have women. They might. They might assume I have a boyfriend. Maybe they believe that it is now women who make the move in starting a relationship.
I think there's way too much dating 'experts' and people that provide advice on this whole dating experience. I tried reading some stuff by some guy named Christian Carter but I can hardly stomach any dating advice. Some of it is useful but they just complicate things. As a woman I'm told I need to control my emotions and if I'm having feelings for a guy, I have to do it in a certain way otherwise it will frighten the man. He'll perceive me as emotionally out of control if I don't try to establish that we have a serious relationship in a certain way.
I've also read the advice for men and again the same technique is used. Woman are blah blah blah and you have to be act this way and say this to be successful.
It reminds of me of kids on a playground and 2 friends are having some fight and there's one person who is the mediator who is going back and forth between these arguing friends and this mediator is the one that is really perpetuating the fight and confusing both sides and making up all sorts of nonsense just to alienate them from each other even more, for their own selfish amusement.
For years I've been sticking with the plan that I'm going to be myself and be honest to myself about myself and it has been working well for me. I'm sticking with this plan for expressing myself as I see fit and doing what I think is right. I'm sticking with this plan to trust my own inner guidance and instincts.
I don't want to continue my rant with the dating advice industry. I am happy to have new prospects to lust over and think unholy thoughts about.
I have 2 weddings that I will be attending this year. There's actually 3 relatives that are getting married but one of them I didn't get invited to and it's probably because there's so many other relatives for them to invite. Tomorrow I have a bridal shower to attend. I know that there's going to be lots of Italian cookies and other baked goodies. This young lady's brother got married 2 years ago and I attended that bridal shower and there was a plethora of cookies. I had to leave early because I had to attend a baby shower the same day. Italian weddings are really the best. You know Italians are going to do weddings right and have the good food and desert. You know the Italians are going to do it in a nice banquet hall not some cheap unclassy place. Tomorrow I will gorge.
Sunday, May 07, 2006
Ben Stiller
I saw the movie Meet the Parents on television a few weeks ago and Ben Stiller was in it. I never found him attractive. I remember seeing him when he had his own tv series and in Zoolander. But for some reason, I found myself oddly attracted to this man while watching this movie. I don't know, it was something in his eyes that I found myself drawn to. I found his eyes to be piercing, to be magnetic. I know he's married, so I'm going to try and keep my lust to a minimum.
Friday, May 05, 2006
Lilipoh
I've been told that I look innocent. I've been told that I'm hot. I'm completely oblivious to certain aspects of my appearance. I know I have a decent figure because I make it a priority to have an active lifestyle. But I have this weird relationship with my face. I never really considered my face to be attractive. I always saw it as having a weirdness to it and maybe on occasion I would use my face in a pretty way. In my youth, I would enjoy declaring my hotness. I didn't really think I was hot or that I wasn't hot but just saying I was hot made me feel good. I noticed one day when someone asked me how I was and I said that I wasn't doing good, it made me feel worse. When asked by someone else another time how I was doing, I said I felt excellent, even though I wasn't. I actually felt better. In a sense I was lying but lying made me feel good and my lie became a truth. Was I really lying?
I'm not a fan of lying. If I feel like crap, then that's how I feel. If I don't like you then that's how I feel. But does my declaring these things make it a truth? Am I just expressing a feeling that has the potential to change? I don't really know where this is going but I find that it's an interesting observation.
I actually started getting laser hair removal done. I'm getting my pits, bikini and full leg done. This place had the best prices for laser so I'm glad about that. I can't use silk epil anymore, which is an electric hair remover, that pulls the hair out by the root. It's not painful. I've also used Nads and then the silk epil to get the miscellaneous hairs. It's too time consuming. I'm the perfect candidate for laser. I'm light skinned with dark hair. It's nice to know that being a hairy Canadian of Italian parents is finally going to pay off for me. I need to go every 5 weeks. In 4 to 6 treatments I should see a significiant reduction.
I've also been having some craniosacral therapy sessions. I've been mocked as it's an alternative therapy. I'm a pragmatist by nature. I like theory to a degree but I'm always willing to try something once for the experience. I read the theory behind cranio and it doesn't make sense so maybe these people need to come up with a different theory. I find it to be enjoyable and have 3 sessions. My next one is next Wednesday. With my yoga and qigong practice, I noticed my body feeling progressively lighter and fluid but for some reason my head always felt tense. My head has always felt a certain disconnected from me and my body. My head has been feeling more open. On my second session, I heard this big pop in my head but the cranio lady wasn't able to hear it. It wasn't that she missed it because it was pretty loud to me but the sound was probably only heard by me. My last one my head felt extremely warm. It didn't feel this warm in previous sessions. I notice a difference. Before I started, I began placing my hands on various areas on my face and head and focusing on releasing tension. I think I need a few more sessions.
After my last craniosacral session, I suddenly felt like working on Steiner's Philosophy of Freedom later on in the day. My study group began studying it in September 2004 and we had a guest come over who has done a course at the Steiner Centre about this book. He suggested we summarize each paragraph as a study method. We did that and it was quite challenging. It was worth it though because it really forces you to try and understand what he is trying to say in each paragraph. It really exercises and disciplines the thinking faculty. I enjoy my group because everyone knows how to get along and there isn't alot of ego there so I found it to be amazing that a handful of adults could gather together and work on creating short paragraph summaries on a book that can be quite hard at times. Anyways, we weren't sure if we could continue with this method so we ended up stoping after the first section, which was about 7 chapters. The remaining 7 chapters we decided to read through. So I saw someone in my group continued to do her own summaries of each paragraph and I decided that I would do the same. I got up to chapter 9. I started working on it again after 1 year. I didn't know that's how long ago it was that I worked on it.
Philosophy of Freedom is the kind of book that takes about 5-10 years to really digest and process the concepts. I first read the book on my own 7 years ago. The first 2 times I read it, it made very little sense to me but after reading it again a couple of more times over the years, I really began to see how wonderful it was. It's quite easy to work with the book now. It's always funny to me when I meet someone who is just beginning to get interested in Steiner and they tell me they've read POF and don't understand it. Of course you're not going to get it right away, it takes practice to get used to what he is trying to say. You'll get it eventually.
I'm not a fan of lying. If I feel like crap, then that's how I feel. If I don't like you then that's how I feel. But does my declaring these things make it a truth? Am I just expressing a feeling that has the potential to change? I don't really know where this is going but I find that it's an interesting observation.
I actually started getting laser hair removal done. I'm getting my pits, bikini and full leg done. This place had the best prices for laser so I'm glad about that. I can't use silk epil anymore, which is an electric hair remover, that pulls the hair out by the root. It's not painful. I've also used Nads and then the silk epil to get the miscellaneous hairs. It's too time consuming. I'm the perfect candidate for laser. I'm light skinned with dark hair. It's nice to know that being a hairy Canadian of Italian parents is finally going to pay off for me. I need to go every 5 weeks. In 4 to 6 treatments I should see a significiant reduction.
I've also been having some craniosacral therapy sessions. I've been mocked as it's an alternative therapy. I'm a pragmatist by nature. I like theory to a degree but I'm always willing to try something once for the experience. I read the theory behind cranio and it doesn't make sense so maybe these people need to come up with a different theory. I find it to be enjoyable and have 3 sessions. My next one is next Wednesday. With my yoga and qigong practice, I noticed my body feeling progressively lighter and fluid but for some reason my head always felt tense. My head has always felt a certain disconnected from me and my body. My head has been feeling more open. On my second session, I heard this big pop in my head but the cranio lady wasn't able to hear it. It wasn't that she missed it because it was pretty loud to me but the sound was probably only heard by me. My last one my head felt extremely warm. It didn't feel this warm in previous sessions. I notice a difference. Before I started, I began placing my hands on various areas on my face and head and focusing on releasing tension. I think I need a few more sessions.
After my last craniosacral session, I suddenly felt like working on Steiner's Philosophy of Freedom later on in the day. My study group began studying it in September 2004 and we had a guest come over who has done a course at the Steiner Centre about this book. He suggested we summarize each paragraph as a study method. We did that and it was quite challenging. It was worth it though because it really forces you to try and understand what he is trying to say in each paragraph. It really exercises and disciplines the thinking faculty. I enjoy my group because everyone knows how to get along and there isn't alot of ego there so I found it to be amazing that a handful of adults could gather together and work on creating short paragraph summaries on a book that can be quite hard at times. Anyways, we weren't sure if we could continue with this method so we ended up stoping after the first section, which was about 7 chapters. The remaining 7 chapters we decided to read through. So I saw someone in my group continued to do her own summaries of each paragraph and I decided that I would do the same. I got up to chapter 9. I started working on it again after 1 year. I didn't know that's how long ago it was that I worked on it.
Philosophy of Freedom is the kind of book that takes about 5-10 years to really digest and process the concepts. I first read the book on my own 7 years ago. The first 2 times I read it, it made very little sense to me but after reading it again a couple of more times over the years, I really began to see how wonderful it was. It's quite easy to work with the book now. It's always funny to me when I meet someone who is just beginning to get interested in Steiner and they tell me they've read POF and don't understand it. Of course you're not going to get it right away, it takes practice to get used to what he is trying to say. You'll get it eventually.
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
I finished knitting the back of my sweater and it isn't large enough for me. My mother made me use a needle that was 2 mm smaller because she thought it would be okay and she didn't have the right size. Now it turns out I'll have to redo all of my work, which is upsetting for me because these last few days I've done doing lots of work on it because I wanted to spend a month for each part (front,back,2 arms). I guess I'll have fun destroying and unwinding it.
I sent out a letter to this temp agency that I've worked for. I've worked with them for several years. They didn't pay me for a shift back on August 30, 2005. I wasn't able to keep proper track of my hours because they misplaced several of my paystubs. I called them in January once I finally got all my stubs. I called a few weeks later to see if it's been resolved and I find out that the person I spoke to about my wage issue no longer works there. I still continued calling the agency and asking if this was resolved but no one got back to me. A few weeks ago the manager offered me to work at this one place and she would offer me Tim Horton gift certificate to make up for the lost wages. I wasn't interested and I'm certainly not going to accept Tim Horton certificates because I don't even go there often! So I spoke to the Ministry of Labour and this company violated Section 12 of the Employment Standard Act which is that they failed to give me my paystubs on time. I also found out that the government investigates on your behalf if you have a wage problem, for up to 6 months. Well the agency gives me this offer after 6 months and so it's too late for me to take it to the government.
So my letter stated that I'd file a complaint against them for violating Section 12, which will result in a fine and that I would take them to civil court if this issue was not done in a swift and timely manner. I was quite disgusted how they avoided my problem and kept putting it off. I hope that this gets resolved because I don't want to take this to court but I will because that's a day's pay and it's just wrong for someone to work and not get paid for it. I'm also going to let their Head Office know. I'm expecting to hear from them this week so what I'll do next is dependent on how they respond to my letter.
If there's one thing I won't tolerate is people committing a crime like this and being so immoral and wrong. I won't stand for injustices like this. They decided to screw over the wrong person.
I have evidence as well. I wrote in my journal that I was scheduled for 3 days and they cancelled my August 30 shift only to call me on August 30 to work for someone in rework. Normally I was in the printing or moulding departments but that day they had me work for someone else. The company said that I didn't work that day so I told the agency in the letter to speak with this person whom I worked for as she is the one who needs to be held accountable.
I know this sounds kinda lame but I'm going to go 'street' on you all.
These people are gonna go down and anyone that fucking messes with me is gonna go down. You don't mess me with me cause I'll fucking take you down. I've been disrespected and I'm going to put these mother fuckers back in their place.
Let that be a lesson to y'all who fucking think your better then me. You screw me over, I'll never forget. I'll write you off like a tax deductible. You mess with me I'll tear your fucking organs out and feed them to orphans.
So hopefully everything works out okay.
I sent out a letter to this temp agency that I've worked for. I've worked with them for several years. They didn't pay me for a shift back on August 30, 2005. I wasn't able to keep proper track of my hours because they misplaced several of my paystubs. I called them in January once I finally got all my stubs. I called a few weeks later to see if it's been resolved and I find out that the person I spoke to about my wage issue no longer works there. I still continued calling the agency and asking if this was resolved but no one got back to me. A few weeks ago the manager offered me to work at this one place and she would offer me Tim Horton gift certificate to make up for the lost wages. I wasn't interested and I'm certainly not going to accept Tim Horton certificates because I don't even go there often! So I spoke to the Ministry of Labour and this company violated Section 12 of the Employment Standard Act which is that they failed to give me my paystubs on time. I also found out that the government investigates on your behalf if you have a wage problem, for up to 6 months. Well the agency gives me this offer after 6 months and so it's too late for me to take it to the government.
So my letter stated that I'd file a complaint against them for violating Section 12, which will result in a fine and that I would take them to civil court if this issue was not done in a swift and timely manner. I was quite disgusted how they avoided my problem and kept putting it off. I hope that this gets resolved because I don't want to take this to court but I will because that's a day's pay and it's just wrong for someone to work and not get paid for it. I'm also going to let their Head Office know. I'm expecting to hear from them this week so what I'll do next is dependent on how they respond to my letter.
If there's one thing I won't tolerate is people committing a crime like this and being so immoral and wrong. I won't stand for injustices like this. They decided to screw over the wrong person.
I have evidence as well. I wrote in my journal that I was scheduled for 3 days and they cancelled my August 30 shift only to call me on August 30 to work for someone in rework. Normally I was in the printing or moulding departments but that day they had me work for someone else. The company said that I didn't work that day so I told the agency in the letter to speak with this person whom I worked for as she is the one who needs to be held accountable.
I know this sounds kinda lame but I'm going to go 'street' on you all.
These people are gonna go down and anyone that fucking messes with me is gonna go down. You don't mess me with me cause I'll fucking take you down. I've been disrespected and I'm going to put these mother fuckers back in their place.
Let that be a lesson to y'all who fucking think your better then me. You screw me over, I'll never forget. I'll write you off like a tax deductible. You mess with me I'll tear your fucking organs out and feed them to orphans.
So hopefully everything works out okay.
Saturday, April 22, 2006
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
My Puss-say Cat
Here are some pictures of my cat Sally. We got her 10 years ago at the SPCA. I believe in love at first sight because when I saw Sally, I knew that she was the one I wanted. She is so beautiful. I tell her everyday that I love her and that she is beautiful. I never tire of saying it.
She doesn't feeel the same way I do about her. She is one of those aloof cats and isn't really affectionate. She hates people as well. She hisses at my 2 brothers who come over every Sunday. She hasn't registered the fact that they are apart of the family even though they don't live here.
I find my cat incredibly sexy. If I were a male cat, I would totally want to get it on with her. She just oozes a sexualness when she walks. However, I Paula, the human would never seriously consider getting it on with her. First of all, she's a cat. Secondly she's a female and I'm not into the whole girl-on-girl thing and finally, Sally wouldn't give me that emotional attention and affection that for me is very important to have in a relationship.
Anyways, here's Sally, the love of my life. Gosh, isn't she so fucking beautiful! And hot!
She doesn't feeel the same way I do about her. She is one of those aloof cats and isn't really affectionate. She hates people as well. She hisses at my 2 brothers who come over every Sunday. She hasn't registered the fact that they are apart of the family even though they don't live here.
I find my cat incredibly sexy. If I were a male cat, I would totally want to get it on with her. She just oozes a sexualness when she walks. However, I Paula, the human would never seriously consider getting it on with her. First of all, she's a cat. Secondly she's a female and I'm not into the whole girl-on-girl thing and finally, Sally wouldn't give me that emotional attention and affection that for me is very important to have in a relationship.
Anyways, here's Sally, the love of my life. Gosh, isn't she so fucking beautiful! And hot!
Sunday, April 16, 2006
Happy Easter!
I enjoyed this long weekend. I went for a real hike with a friend of mine on Friday and it also involved climbing steep muddy, rocky hills and going down them. I didn't know we'd do that but I guess we were up for the adventure. We both got quite muddy. We would use the roots of trees to help ourselves up this one really steep hill. We thought we were stuck once we got to the top of this area and we thought that the only way back was to go back down. The best route was this rocky area and my friend went first. She was coaching me down the beginning as it was quite steep and there were minimal secure places to step down. It was quite awkward for me because if I'm going down a hill, I'm more comfortable facing forward. I had to face the rocks and basically have my back face forward. I think if I were to do that again, I'd be more comfortable. It went against all my natural instincts. I was quite appreciative to all the rocks and tree roots that helped to make climbing up and down these steep hills easier.
We had some good conversations. She has a father that's bi-polar manic depressive and I have 2 schizophrenic brothers. We both had a stage when we were in our early 20s where we felt quite depressed. It was interesting to hear her say she was worried in her 20s that she too might become mentally ill like her father because that was something I was always concerned about as well when I was growing. That's no longer a concern for us. Maybe about 4 years ago I really felt like I've passed that risky stage where I could become mentally ill. I'm safe now.
I find it interesting that we both had these similar fears that we could become mentally ill. I'm at this point in my life where I feel like all of my problems and feelings are not unique. Everyone's had the same fears or problems and I'm not alone. It's quite liberating.
We're all more all alike than we want to admit. It really is an illusion that we are separated.
But there are people who probably are not like us. I finished reading a book entitled "The Sociopath Next Door" by Martha Stout. That's right I actually read non-Steiner books. I think I read more non-Steiner books. I just have always found Steiner more stimulating but I have read the occasion good non-Steiner book and this one was one of them. A sociopath basically has no conscience and so they can do anything without feeling guilty. They are only concerned about dominating others. For them experiencing emotions such as caring and love is something that they are not capable of. Not everyone who is a sociopath is a killer or a criminal. They can be freeloaders or just shit disturbers who aren't interested in people unless it serves their own personal agenda. About 4% of the American population is sociopathic. In Japan it was under 1%. Western culture definitely supports the selfish drive of the sociopath.
An important sign in recognizing a sociopath is that they actually enjoy being pitied. They thrive on people pitying them.
Sociopaths also can be found in positions that we would usually associate with someone who has a conscience such as a doctor or a principal. It's quite necessary to challenge authority and not just assume someone is a good person just because of their job. The book references an experiement showing that 6 times out of 10, people will submit their will to that of a perceived authority even if they are required to do something that they consider immoral. It would cause them great stress but they still obeyed authority.
We had some good conversations. She has a father that's bi-polar manic depressive and I have 2 schizophrenic brothers. We both had a stage when we were in our early 20s where we felt quite depressed. It was interesting to hear her say she was worried in her 20s that she too might become mentally ill like her father because that was something I was always concerned about as well when I was growing. That's no longer a concern for us. Maybe about 4 years ago I really felt like I've passed that risky stage where I could become mentally ill. I'm safe now.
I find it interesting that we both had these similar fears that we could become mentally ill. I'm at this point in my life where I feel like all of my problems and feelings are not unique. Everyone's had the same fears or problems and I'm not alone. It's quite liberating.
We're all more all alike than we want to admit. It really is an illusion that we are separated.
But there are people who probably are not like us. I finished reading a book entitled "The Sociopath Next Door" by Martha Stout. That's right I actually read non-Steiner books. I think I read more non-Steiner books. I just have always found Steiner more stimulating but I have read the occasion good non-Steiner book and this one was one of them. A sociopath basically has no conscience and so they can do anything without feeling guilty. They are only concerned about dominating others. For them experiencing emotions such as caring and love is something that they are not capable of. Not everyone who is a sociopath is a killer or a criminal. They can be freeloaders or just shit disturbers who aren't interested in people unless it serves their own personal agenda. About 4% of the American population is sociopathic. In Japan it was under 1%. Western culture definitely supports the selfish drive of the sociopath.
An important sign in recognizing a sociopath is that they actually enjoy being pitied. They thrive on people pitying them.
Sociopaths also can be found in positions that we would usually associate with someone who has a conscience such as a doctor or a principal. It's quite necessary to challenge authority and not just assume someone is a good person just because of their job. The book references an experiement showing that 6 times out of 10, people will submit their will to that of a perceived authority even if they are required to do something that they consider immoral. It would cause them great stress but they still obeyed authority.
Friday, April 14, 2006
My Mother's Religious Paraphernalia Part 4 - Her Bedroom
Happy Good Friday!
Our last stop is my mother's bedroom. Here are a few items that are on her chest of drawers.
The Pieta in Giant Hands
This item my mother purchased of the Pope John Paul II after he died and it contains a rosary. I think she bought it when she was in Italy, but I am not 100% sure.
Pope John Paul II Rosary Container
The following item is a picture that hangs over my parent's bed.
Mary and baby Jesus
The final stop is the dresser. An abundance of religious items can be found here. This item here is an angel paperweight and on the rock it is inscribed, "Each day is God's Master Piece". I think someone gave this to my mother as a gift.
Angel Paperweight
This item is another gift given to my mother for her birthday from someone in her parish. My mother's birthstone is the amethyst. Mine is a garnet if any suitors are interested in purchasing me jewerly.
Crucified Jesus on amethyst with angel
Here is a giant Mary. It has been rumoured she had a growth spurt after Jesus' crucification. After her growth spurt, she was now physically able to hold the cross of the crucified Jesus.
A Sad Mary
Mary poster
Giant Mary statue
And here's the standard Bible.
Holy Bible Container
Holy Bible
St. Anthony
Finally, you can't call yourself a Catholic unless you actually possess Holy Water, which is water blessed by a priest.
Holy Water
This four part series of my mother's religious paraphernalia has been concluded. She has no idea that I keep a blog (as she is technically clueless and probably has never heard of the term, 'blog') and that I have publicly posted these pictures. All pictures have been put up for innocent amusement and no maliciousness was intended.
All jokes made towards Jesus, Mary, Joseph, and any other religious entity has been approved by God.
Our last stop is my mother's bedroom. Here are a few items that are on her chest of drawers.
The Pieta in Giant HandsThis item my mother purchased of the Pope John Paul II after he died and it contains a rosary. I think she bought it when she was in Italy, but I am not 100% sure.
Pope John Paul II Rosary ContainerThe following item is a picture that hangs over my parent's bed.
Mary and baby JesusThe final stop is the dresser. An abundance of religious items can be found here. This item here is an angel paperweight and on the rock it is inscribed, "Each day is God's Master Piece". I think someone gave this to my mother as a gift.
Angel PaperweightThis item is another gift given to my mother for her birthday from someone in her parish. My mother's birthstone is the amethyst. Mine is a garnet if any suitors are interested in purchasing me jewerly.
Crucified Jesus on amethyst with angelHere is a giant Mary. It has been rumoured she had a growth spurt after Jesus' crucification. After her growth spurt, she was now physically able to hold the cross of the crucified Jesus.
A Sad Mary
Mary poster
Giant Mary statueAnd here's the standard Bible.
Holy Bible Container
Holy Bible
St. AnthonyFinally, you can't call yourself a Catholic unless you actually possess Holy Water, which is water blessed by a priest.
Holy WaterThis four part series of my mother's religious paraphernalia has been concluded. She has no idea that I keep a blog (as she is technically clueless and probably has never heard of the term, 'blog') and that I have publicly posted these pictures. All pictures have been put up for innocent amusement and no maliciousness was intended.
All jokes made towards Jesus, Mary, Joseph, and any other religious entity has been approved by God.
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
My Mother's Religious Paraphernalia Part 3 - The Basement
Greetings and Salutations,
Today we wlll venture into the basement. As you can see we have another religious calendar. This is a St. Anthony calendar. My mother subscribes to St. Anthony Messenger and they included a calendar. I actually like to read this magazine because they do bring up social issues that are going on in the world. I don't agree with certain ideas but I find that it is thought provoking so I can at least respect it because of that.
This calendar doesn't look particularly religious. As you can see this month's picture features a man getting run over by a wagon. In the text box it states that as this man's life is in danger, St. Anthony decides to save his life. If you take a closer look at the picture, you may notice that the wheel is a danger but if you look at that white object next to the wheel - it looks like a bent hoe actually - it looks like it's going to slice his head if the wagon doesn't stop. Heartwarming isn't it? Pray to St. Anthony so that you don't get your head violently sliced off by a run away horse carrying a wagon.
Yes.
Very modern advice.
St. Anthony Calendar
As an avid wagon engineer, this little 'hoe' serves no actual purpose in the design of this wagon. It has been designed simply to slice people's heads off if they get caught under the wagon. Slicing the head off also makes it easier for the wheels to further destroy your body.
On top of the entertainment unit we have this replica of St. Peter's Baslicia. I think my parents bought it last year when they went to Italy. Tacky eh?
St. Peter's Basilica
Our last item is this Franklin Mint Plate of Praying Hands. Of all the religious items my mother owns, this one I actually like. When I used to do yoga downstairs (I do qigong now!), it was nice to focus on the praying hands when I was doing a balacing posture such as The Tree pose. It actually helped me to quickly get into a mode of reverance when I did yoga because the praying hands are a symbol of reverance.
Praying Hands Plate
Our last stop will be my mother's room.
Today we wlll venture into the basement. As you can see we have another religious calendar. This is a St. Anthony calendar. My mother subscribes to St. Anthony Messenger and they included a calendar. I actually like to read this magazine because they do bring up social issues that are going on in the world. I don't agree with certain ideas but I find that it is thought provoking so I can at least respect it because of that.
This calendar doesn't look particularly religious. As you can see this month's picture features a man getting run over by a wagon. In the text box it states that as this man's life is in danger, St. Anthony decides to save his life. If you take a closer look at the picture, you may notice that the wheel is a danger but if you look at that white object next to the wheel - it looks like a bent hoe actually - it looks like it's going to slice his head if the wagon doesn't stop. Heartwarming isn't it? Pray to St. Anthony so that you don't get your head violently sliced off by a run away horse carrying a wagon.
Yes.
Very modern advice.
St. Anthony CalendarAs an avid wagon engineer, this little 'hoe' serves no actual purpose in the design of this wagon. It has been designed simply to slice people's heads off if they get caught under the wagon. Slicing the head off also makes it easier for the wheels to further destroy your body.
On top of the entertainment unit we have this replica of St. Peter's Baslicia. I think my parents bought it last year when they went to Italy. Tacky eh?
St. Peter's BasilicaOur last item is this Franklin Mint Plate of Praying Hands. Of all the religious items my mother owns, this one I actually like. When I used to do yoga downstairs (I do qigong now!), it was nice to focus on the praying hands when I was doing a balacing posture such as The Tree pose. It actually helped me to quickly get into a mode of reverance when I did yoga because the praying hands are a symbol of reverance.
Praying Hands PlateOur last stop will be my mother's room.
Monday, April 10, 2006
My Mother's Religious Paraphernalia Part 2 - The Living Room
Greetings and salutations,
Today I will show you the paraphernalia of our living room. Our first stop is this picture of Mary and Jesus. I believe it is a crocheted poster my mother purchased. It is on the left side of the wall as soon as you enter our living room. We were renovating the entranceway these past few days so that ladder that you see is no longer there.
Mary and Jesus
We will now stop and take a look into the entertainment cabinet. This is a picture of the Egg Nativity scene. Why we have something of a Christmas nature displayed all year round is beyond me.
Egg Nativity Scene
Next is this egg of these cherubims or seraphims and they are cooing over our precious baby Jesus. I will just call them uber angels because I don't know exactly what they are, but I think they are above the angels in the spiritual hierarchy. I could be wrong. They might just be angels.
Uber Angels and Baby Jesus
We will now journey to the cabinet on the left. This angel that you see is one of the angels my mother has crafted.
An Angel
Here is another Jesus, Mary and Joseph ceramic. Where's God in all of this? Don't you think God might get a little annoyed that he's never part of the pictures that features this family. After all he did knock up Mary. I know he's supposedly invisible but couldn't they symbolically integrate God into these family portraits?
Jesus, Mary and Joseph
Here we arrive at more angels. My mother also crafted the angel on the right.
Angels
The final stop is this lovely statue by Michaelangelo entitled Pieta. Here Mary is holding the crucified Jesus. She is quite young in this statue and it has been postulated that Mary is holding the baby Jesus but we see the crucified Jesus, which is the future of this baby.
The Pieta
Next entry we will make a trek to our basement.
Today I will show you the paraphernalia of our living room. Our first stop is this picture of Mary and Jesus. I believe it is a crocheted poster my mother purchased. It is on the left side of the wall as soon as you enter our living room. We were renovating the entranceway these past few days so that ladder that you see is no longer there.
Mary and JesusWe will now stop and take a look into the entertainment cabinet. This is a picture of the Egg Nativity scene. Why we have something of a Christmas nature displayed all year round is beyond me.
Egg Nativity SceneNext is this egg of these cherubims or seraphims and they are cooing over our precious baby Jesus. I will just call them uber angels because I don't know exactly what they are, but I think they are above the angels in the spiritual hierarchy. I could be wrong. They might just be angels.
Uber Angels and Baby JesusWe will now journey to the cabinet on the left. This angel that you see is one of the angels my mother has crafted.
An AngelHere is another Jesus, Mary and Joseph ceramic. Where's God in all of this? Don't you think God might get a little annoyed that he's never part of the pictures that features this family. After all he did knock up Mary. I know he's supposedly invisible but couldn't they symbolically integrate God into these family portraits?
Jesus, Mary and JosephHere we arrive at more angels. My mother also crafted the angel on the right.
AngelsThe final stop is this lovely statue by Michaelangelo entitled Pieta. Here Mary is holding the crucified Jesus. She is quite young in this statue and it has been postulated that Mary is holding the baby Jesus but we see the crucified Jesus, which is the future of this baby.
The PietaNext entry we will make a trek to our basement.
Saturday, April 08, 2006
My Mother's Religious Paraphernalia Part 1 - The Kitchen
Greeting and salutations earthlings,
My mother is a religious woman and active in the church. A religious enthusiast if you will. I think she is a fairly good example of someone who is a churchgoer. She is non-judgmental and has a positive and loving nature. How I evolved from her womb and became the person I am is still largely a mystery for the scientific community.
I will be showing pictures over the next few days of all the various religious paraphernalia my mother has in the house. Today I will be showing the religious items in our kitchen.
Our first stop is the left window ledge near the sink, where we see this cute statue of the late Pope John Paul II. It creeps me out because for me it's like, "dude you got a figurine of someone who died. It's so cartoony. It's like that buddy Christ in that Dogma movie" For my mother however, it is a sign of respect.
Pope John Paul II
Next is the new Pope. We don't want to be showing disrespect to the new Pope by just having pictures of past popes so that is why this picture is next to the John Paul figurine.
Pope Benedict XVI
On the opposite window ledge we come to this figurine of Jesus, Mary and Joseph. Notice how there is an Extra Strength bottle of Tylenol and a mini bottle of alcohol next to it. My father keeps these mini alcohol bottles for show in our kitchen.
Jesus, Mary and Joseph
Next we will move along to the fridge. Here are fridge magnets on the front of the fridge.
Front of Fridge
And now we shall explore the magnets on the side of the fridge. The magnet on the left quotes Psalms 3:33 stating; "Sing unto the Lord a new song". The magnet on the right is that of Mary. Did I mention she's a virgin?
Side of Fridge
Here's a magnet of St. Anthony. I believe many people gravitate towards a Saint based on many things such as having a family member that shares the same name or they have a Feast day in common.
St. Anthony holding baby Jesus
A house would be incomplete if it didn't have a Jesus and Joseph thermometer! Yes I know a fucking mini thermometer! What a crazy idea.
The mini Jesus and Joseph Thermometer
Moving right along we come to the religious calendar. Before my parents renovated our kitchen, we had 2 religious calendars but now we just have one.
Religious Calendar
Our last stop in the kitchen we find this plaque that is next to the entranceway of our kitchen. This plaque reads: Immaculate Heart of Mary Pray for Us who have Recourse to Thee. This plaque is above my eye level and I am only 5'6" so if you're 5'10" then it probably would be eye level for you.
Mary Plaque
Next entry we will journey into the living room.
My mother is a religious woman and active in the church. A religious enthusiast if you will. I think she is a fairly good example of someone who is a churchgoer. She is non-judgmental and has a positive and loving nature. How I evolved from her womb and became the person I am is still largely a mystery for the scientific community.
I will be showing pictures over the next few days of all the various religious paraphernalia my mother has in the house. Today I will be showing the religious items in our kitchen.
Our first stop is the left window ledge near the sink, where we see this cute statue of the late Pope John Paul II. It creeps me out because for me it's like, "dude you got a figurine of someone who died. It's so cartoony. It's like that buddy Christ in that Dogma movie" For my mother however, it is a sign of respect.
Pope John Paul IINext is the new Pope. We don't want to be showing disrespect to the new Pope by just having pictures of past popes so that is why this picture is next to the John Paul figurine.
Pope Benedict XVIOn the opposite window ledge we come to this figurine of Jesus, Mary and Joseph. Notice how there is an Extra Strength bottle of Tylenol and a mini bottle of alcohol next to it. My father keeps these mini alcohol bottles for show in our kitchen.
Jesus, Mary and JosephNext we will move along to the fridge. Here are fridge magnets on the front of the fridge.
Front of FridgeAnd now we shall explore the magnets on the side of the fridge. The magnet on the left quotes Psalms 3:33 stating; "Sing unto the Lord a new song". The magnet on the right is that of Mary. Did I mention she's a virgin?
Side of FridgeHere's a magnet of St. Anthony. I believe many people gravitate towards a Saint based on many things such as having a family member that shares the same name or they have a Feast day in common.
St. Anthony holding baby JesusA house would be incomplete if it didn't have a Jesus and Joseph thermometer! Yes I know a fucking mini thermometer! What a crazy idea.
The mini Jesus and Joseph ThermometerMoving right along we come to the religious calendar. Before my parents renovated our kitchen, we had 2 religious calendars but now we just have one.
Religious CalendarOur last stop in the kitchen we find this plaque that is next to the entranceway of our kitchen. This plaque reads: Immaculate Heart of Mary Pray for Us who have Recourse to Thee. This plaque is above my eye level and I am only 5'6" so if you're 5'10" then it probably would be eye level for you.
Mary PlaqueNext entry we will journey into the living room.
Thursday, April 06, 2006
Brotherhood and the Struggle for Existence
In Steiner's lecture Brotherhood and the Struggle for Existence, he briefly mentions about past scientific evidence in relation to struggling for existence. A Russian scientist named Kessler had showed that the animals capable of development and become truly progressive are not the ones that do the most fighting, but those that give mutual support to one another, that help each other. Struggle is present but the question becomes what furthers development more: warfare or mutual assistance? Peter Kropotkin, an anarchist, wrote a book entitled Mutual Help in the Animal Kingdom and Human Life which provides evidence that mutually assistance leads to progress instead of fighting.
The struggle for existence has its place in the world. It takes a certain amount of egoism to develop our talents and to take initiative but if we do not work on ourselves and develop our talents, we will be poor helpers.
Survival of the fittest is a complete myth. Many people are strong in one area and weak in others. Who determines what is strong and what is weak? It is all dependent on perspective. What I may perceive within myself as a weakness may from another more wiser perspective may be my greatest strength.
When I watch these reality shows, like say the Apprentice, it becomes quite evident that the teams that do well are the ones that make an effort to put their ego aside and work together inside of fighting.
I think it's great that we all have egos but it's also important that we can put it aside and forget about ourselves.
Brotherhood and the struggle for existence are 2 distinct streams that work in humans. We must recognize that within individuals there is something that yearns for both individuality and brotherhood/community. Neither must be denied and both must be developed.
The struggle for existence has its place in the world. It takes a certain amount of egoism to develop our talents and to take initiative but if we do not work on ourselves and develop our talents, we will be poor helpers.
Survival of the fittest is a complete myth. Many people are strong in one area and weak in others. Who determines what is strong and what is weak? It is all dependent on perspective. What I may perceive within myself as a weakness may from another more wiser perspective may be my greatest strength.
When I watch these reality shows, like say the Apprentice, it becomes quite evident that the teams that do well are the ones that make an effort to put their ego aside and work together inside of fighting.
I think it's great that we all have egos but it's also important that we can put it aside and forget about ourselves.
Brotherhood and the struggle for existence are 2 distinct streams that work in humans. We must recognize that within individuals there is something that yearns for both individuality and brotherhood/community. Neither must be denied and both must be developed.
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
Reality
She was beginning to realize that maybe God didn't have plans for her. She was beginning to realize the futility of life. Everyone around her had something going on in their life that was interesting. People had jobs that they liked, children to take care of, friends to socialize with. They lived their life with some sense of purpose.
All she wanted was success and a loving relationship. It was all too elusive for her. The continual search for meaning and purpose for her life left her tired. She tried becoming more compassionate and loving and that seemed to help.
Thoughts of self annihilation would continue to seep into her. She would gradually become more comfortable being herself but she found that the more she became herself, the more people withdrew from her. Her kindness and honesty were too much for some people. For some, cruelty was the norm and being loving and kind was considered violent.
She gradually become more isolated and she only had her own thoughts to entertain her. The people who she thought were her friends only trivialized her feelings and her insights. The gentleness that she was allowing people to see was being trampled upon.
She wanted to make a difference in the world. She wanted to know that her words and actions did create positive change in the world.
She was frozen. She could not carry out the will of her spirit. She did not know what was blocking her and she soon began to realize the frailty of her ambitions.
She did not know what to do with her latent potential. She wanted to bloom but could not. She knew she had to make the right choice. She did not believe in a pre-determined destiny. She believed in free will and choices.
She continued to pursue her ambitions only to have constant rejections. Unable to hold down a job. Unable to move out and become independent. Unable to attract a loving companion. Unable to fit in with her peers whom she so craved for their respect. It was becoming too much for her.
What will be her next step, her next choice?
Confusion was becoming her normal state. Her once clear and direct demeanor soon became riddled with extreme self-doubt.
What should she choose? She was constantly choosing life, choosing growth, choosing love but these paths were failing her.
All it did was leave her poor, lonely and frustrated.
What happens to things that aren't allowed to become what they were meant to do?
What happens to the rose that isn't allowed to become that rose?
What happens to the grass that isn't allowed to become that grass?
What happens to that dove that isn't allowed to become that dove?
She didn't want to choose self annihilation. She decided to continue her efforts in hopes that life will work out.
It had been 7 years and she still had found herself in the same position.
No loving relationship. No job. No independence. No purpose.
She had garnered some wisdom during this time but wisdom does not pay the rent.
She continued to apply for work in fields she wasn't interested in. She continued making meager wages and any attempt to improve her economic position was squashed and she was thrown back down the well of poverty.
She continued to pour her energy into winning the respect of her peers. She was already an outsider of society and now her outsider friends were making her an outsider. Her presence was habitually ignored. No one dared to ask her how her day was.
She maintained a sunny disposition. For in some areas of her life, she truly was happy and at peace.
At night she would search her soul and all she could do was cry.
Her life wasn't working out. She learned at a young age that you cannot plan life.
Life was taking her nowhere. Numerous attempts to take control of her life and to direct her life led her nowhere.
She was trapped and didn't know a way out.
She always believed that the feeling of being trapped was a misperception and that we always could find a way out of our misery.
She was beginning to realize that statement was a lie.
She was beginning to believe that life played favourites and that it didn't matter how positively you thought and if you had faith in the goodness of the universe.
If life played favourites, what good choices could she possibly make?
She chose self annihilation.
All she wanted was success and a loving relationship. It was all too elusive for her. The continual search for meaning and purpose for her life left her tired. She tried becoming more compassionate and loving and that seemed to help.
Thoughts of self annihilation would continue to seep into her. She would gradually become more comfortable being herself but she found that the more she became herself, the more people withdrew from her. Her kindness and honesty were too much for some people. For some, cruelty was the norm and being loving and kind was considered violent.
She gradually become more isolated and she only had her own thoughts to entertain her. The people who she thought were her friends only trivialized her feelings and her insights. The gentleness that she was allowing people to see was being trampled upon.
She wanted to make a difference in the world. She wanted to know that her words and actions did create positive change in the world.
She was frozen. She could not carry out the will of her spirit. She did not know what was blocking her and she soon began to realize the frailty of her ambitions.
She did not know what to do with her latent potential. She wanted to bloom but could not. She knew she had to make the right choice. She did not believe in a pre-determined destiny. She believed in free will and choices.
She continued to pursue her ambitions only to have constant rejections. Unable to hold down a job. Unable to move out and become independent. Unable to attract a loving companion. Unable to fit in with her peers whom she so craved for their respect. It was becoming too much for her.
What will be her next step, her next choice?
Confusion was becoming her normal state. Her once clear and direct demeanor soon became riddled with extreme self-doubt.
What should she choose? She was constantly choosing life, choosing growth, choosing love but these paths were failing her.
All it did was leave her poor, lonely and frustrated.
What happens to things that aren't allowed to become what they were meant to do?
What happens to the rose that isn't allowed to become that rose?
What happens to the grass that isn't allowed to become that grass?
What happens to that dove that isn't allowed to become that dove?
She didn't want to choose self annihilation. She decided to continue her efforts in hopes that life will work out.
It had been 7 years and she still had found herself in the same position.
No loving relationship. No job. No independence. No purpose.
She had garnered some wisdom during this time but wisdom does not pay the rent.
She continued to apply for work in fields she wasn't interested in. She continued making meager wages and any attempt to improve her economic position was squashed and she was thrown back down the well of poverty.
She continued to pour her energy into winning the respect of her peers. She was already an outsider of society and now her outsider friends were making her an outsider. Her presence was habitually ignored. No one dared to ask her how her day was.
She maintained a sunny disposition. For in some areas of her life, she truly was happy and at peace.
At night she would search her soul and all she could do was cry.
Her life wasn't working out. She learned at a young age that you cannot plan life.
Life was taking her nowhere. Numerous attempts to take control of her life and to direct her life led her nowhere.
She was trapped and didn't know a way out.
She always believed that the feeling of being trapped was a misperception and that we always could find a way out of our misery.
She was beginning to realize that statement was a lie.
She was beginning to believe that life played favourites and that it didn't matter how positively you thought and if you had faith in the goodness of the universe.
If life played favourites, what good choices could she possibly make?
She chose self annihilation.
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