I finished knitting the back of my sweater and it isn't large enough for me. My mother made me use a needle that was 2 mm smaller because she thought it would be okay and she didn't have the right size. Now it turns out I'll have to redo all of my work, which is upsetting for me because these last few days I've done doing lots of work on it because I wanted to spend a month for each part (front,back,2 arms). I guess I'll have fun destroying and unwinding it.

I sent out a letter to this temp agency that I've worked for. I've worked with them for several years. They didn't pay me for a shift back on August 30, 2005. I wasn't able to keep proper track of my hours because they misplaced several of my paystubs. I called them in January once I finally got all my stubs. I called a few weeks later to see if it's been resolved and I find out that the person I spoke to about my wage issue no longer works there. I still continued calling the agency and asking if this was resolved but no one got back to me. A few weeks ago the manager offered me to work at this one place and she would offer me Tim Horton gift certificate to make up for the lost wages. I wasn't interested and I'm certainly not going to accept Tim Horton certificates because I don't even go there often! So I spoke to the Ministry of Labour and this company violated Section 12 of the Employment Standard Act which is that they failed to give me my paystubs on time. I also found out that the government investigates on your behalf if you have a wage problem, for up to 6 months. Well the agency gives me this offer after 6 months and so it's too late for me to take it to the government.
So my letter stated that I'd file a complaint against them for violating Section 12, which will result in a fine and that I would take them to civil court if this issue was not done in a swift and timely manner. I was quite disgusted how they avoided my problem and kept putting it off. I hope that this gets resolved because I don't want to take this to court but I will because that's a day's pay and it's just wrong for someone to work and not get paid for it. I'm also going to let their Head Office know. I'm expecting to hear from them this week so what I'll do next is dependent on how they respond to my letter.
If there's one thing I won't tolerate is people committing a crime like this and being so immoral and wrong. I won't stand for injustices like this. They decided to screw over the wrong person.

I have evidence as well. I wrote in my journal that I was scheduled for 3 days and they cancelled my August 30 shift only to call me on August 30 to work for someone in rework. Normally I was in the printing or moulding departments but that day they had me work for someone else. The company said that I didn't work that day so I told the agency in the letter to speak with this person whom I worked for as she is the one who needs to be held accountable.

I know this sounds kinda lame but I'm going to go 'street' on you all.

These people are gonna go down and anyone that fucking messes with me is gonna go down. You don't mess me with me cause I'll fucking take you down. I've been disrespected and I'm going to put these mother fuckers back in their place.
Let that be a lesson to y'all who fucking think your better then me. You screw me over, I'll never forget. I'll write you off like a tax deductible. You mess with me I'll tear your fucking organs out and feed them to orphans.

So hopefully everything works out okay.

Wow, I am so glad now that I can quantify my selfishness. Note the sarcasm.

You Are 27% Selfish

In general, you are a very giving person who treats others very well. But at times, you insist on getting your way - when it matters most to you.

How Selfish Are You?

My Puss-say Cat

Here are some pictures of my cat Sally. We got her 10 years ago at the SPCA. I believe in love at first sight because when I saw Sally, I knew that she was the one I wanted. She is so beautiful. I tell her everyday that I love her and that she is beautiful. I never tire of saying it.
She doesn't feeel the same way I do about her. She is one of those aloof cats and isn't really affectionate. She hates people as well. She hisses at my 2 brothers who come over every Sunday. She hasn't registered the fact that they are apart of the family even though they don't live here.
I find my cat incredibly sexy. If I were a male cat, I would totally want to get it on with her. She just oozes a sexualness when she walks. However, I Paula, the human would never seriously consider getting it on with her. First of all, she's a cat. Secondly she's a female and I'm not into the whole girl-on-girl thing and finally, Sally wouldn't give me that emotional attention and affection that for me is very important to have in a relationship.

Anyways, here's Sally, the love of my life. Gosh, isn't she so fucking beautiful! And hot!

Happy Easter!

I enjoyed this long weekend. I went for a real hike with a friend of mine on Friday and it also involved climbing steep muddy, rocky hills and going down them. I didn't know we'd do that but I guess we were up for the adventure. We both got quite muddy. We would use the roots of trees to help ourselves up this one really steep hill. We thought we were stuck once we got to the top of this area and we thought that the only way back was to go back down. The best route was this rocky area and my friend went first. She was coaching me down the beginning as it was quite steep and there were minimal secure places to step down. It was quite awkward for me because if I'm going down a hill, I'm more comfortable facing forward. I had to face the rocks and basically have my back face forward. I think if I were to do that again, I'd be more comfortable. It went against all my natural instincts. I was quite appreciative to all the rocks and tree roots that helped to make climbing up and down these steep hills easier.
We had some good conversations. She has a father that's bi-polar manic depressive and I have 2 schizophrenic brothers. We both had a stage when we were in our early 20s where we felt quite depressed. It was interesting to hear her say she was worried in her 20s that she too might become mentally ill like her father because that was something I was always concerned about as well when I was growing. That's no longer a concern for us. Maybe about 4 years ago I really felt like I've passed that risky stage where I could become mentally ill. I'm safe now.
I find it interesting that we both had these similar fears that we could become mentally ill. I'm at this point in my life where I feel like all of my problems and feelings are not unique. Everyone's had the same fears or problems and I'm not alone. It's quite liberating.
We're all more all alike than we want to admit. It really is an illusion that we are separated.

But there are people who probably are not like us. I finished reading a book entitled "The Sociopath Next Door" by Martha Stout. That's right I actually read non-Steiner books. I think I read more non-Steiner books. I just have always found Steiner more stimulating but I have read the occasion good non-Steiner book and this one was one of them. A sociopath basically has no conscience and so they can do anything without feeling guilty. They are only concerned about dominating others. For them experiencing emotions such as caring and love is something that they are not capable of. Not everyone who is a sociopath is a killer or a criminal. They can be freeloaders or just shit disturbers who aren't interested in people unless it serves their own personal agenda. About 4% of the American population is sociopathic. In Japan it was under 1%. Western culture definitely supports the selfish drive of the sociopath.
An important sign in recognizing a sociopath is that they actually enjoy being pitied. They thrive on people pitying them.
Sociopaths also can be found in positions that we would usually associate with someone who has a conscience such as a doctor or a principal. It's quite necessary to challenge authority and not just assume someone is a good person just because of their job. The book references an experiement showing that 6 times out of 10, people will submit their will to that of a perceived authority even if they are required to do something that they consider immoral. It would cause them great stress but they still obeyed authority.

My Mother's Religious Paraphernalia Part 4 - Her Bedroom

Happy Good Friday!

Our last stop is my mother's bedroom. Here are a few items that are on her chest of drawers.

The Pieta in Giant Hands

This item my mother purchased of the Pope John Paul II after he died and it contains a rosary. I think she bought it when she was in Italy, but I am not 100% sure.

Pope John Paul II Rosary Container

The following item is a picture that hangs over my parent's bed.

Mary and baby Jesus

The final stop is the dresser. An abundance of religious items can be found here. This item here is an angel paperweight and on the rock it is inscribed, "Each day is God's Master Piece". I think someone gave this to my mother as a gift.

Angel Paperweight

This item is another gift given to my mother for her birthday from someone in her parish. My mother's birthstone is the amethyst. Mine is a garnet if any suitors are interested in purchasing me jewerly.

Crucified Jesus on amethyst with angel

Here is a giant Mary. It has been rumoured she had a growth spurt after Jesus' crucification. After her growth spurt, she was now physically able to hold the cross of the crucified Jesus.

A Sad Mary

Mary poster

Giant Mary statue

And here's the standard Bible.

Holy Bible Container

Holy Bible

St. Anthony

Finally, you can't call yourself a Catholic unless you actually possess Holy Water, which is water blessed by a priest.

Holy Water

This four part series of my mother's religious paraphernalia has been concluded. She has no idea that I keep a blog (as she is technically clueless and probably has never heard of the term, 'blog') and that I have publicly posted these pictures. All pictures have been put up for innocent amusement and no maliciousness was intended.
All jokes made towards Jesus, Mary, Joseph, and any other religious entity has been approved by God.

My Mother's Religious Paraphernalia Part 3 - The Basement

Greetings and Salutations,

Today we wlll venture into the basement. As you can see we have another religious calendar. This is a St. Anthony calendar. My mother subscribes to St. Anthony Messenger and they included a calendar. I actually like to read this magazine because they do bring up social issues that are going on in the world. I don't agree with certain ideas but I find that it is thought provoking so I can at least respect it because of that.
This calendar doesn't look particularly religious. As you can see this month's picture features a man getting run over by a wagon. In the text box it states that as this man's life is in danger, St. Anthony decides to save his life. If you take a closer look at the picture, you may notice that the wheel is a danger but if you look at that white object next to the wheel - it looks like a bent hoe actually - it looks like it's going to slice his head if the wagon doesn't stop. Heartwarming isn't it? Pray to St. Anthony so that you don't get your head violently sliced off by a run away horse carrying a wagon.
Yes.
Very modern advice.

St. Anthony Calendar

As an avid wagon engineer, this little 'hoe' serves no actual purpose in the design of this wagon. It has been designed simply to slice people's heads off if they get caught under the wagon. Slicing the head off also makes it easier for the wheels to further destroy your body.



On top of the entertainment unit we have this replica of St. Peter's Baslicia. I think my parents bought it last year when they went to Italy. Tacky eh?

St. Peter's Basilica

Our last item is this Franklin Mint Plate of Praying Hands. Of all the religious items my mother owns, this one I actually like. When I used to do yoga downstairs (I do qigong now!), it was nice to focus on the praying hands when I was doing a balacing posture such as The Tree pose. It actually helped me to quickly get into a mode of reverance when I did yoga because the praying hands are a symbol of reverance.

Praying Hands Plate

Our last stop will be my mother's room.

My Mother's Religious Paraphernalia Part 2 - The Living Room

Greetings and salutations,

Today I will show you the paraphernalia of our living room. Our first stop is this picture of Mary and Jesus. I believe it is a crocheted poster my mother purchased. It is on the left side of the wall as soon as you enter our living room. We were renovating the entranceway these past few days so that ladder that you see is no longer there.

Mary and Jesus

We will now stop and take a look into the entertainment cabinet. This is a picture of the Egg Nativity scene. Why we have something of a Christmas nature displayed all year round is beyond me.

Egg Nativity Scene

Next is this egg of these cherubims or seraphims and they are cooing over our precious baby Jesus. I will just call them uber angels because I don't know exactly what they are, but I think they are above the angels in the spiritual hierarchy. I could be wrong. They might just be angels.

Uber Angels and Baby Jesus

We will now journey to the cabinet on the left. This angel that you see is one of the angels my mother has crafted.

An Angel

Here is another Jesus, Mary and Joseph ceramic. Where's God in all of this? Don't you think God might get a little annoyed that he's never part of the pictures that features this family. After all he did knock up Mary. I know he's supposedly invisible but couldn't they symbolically integrate God into these family portraits?

Jesus, Mary and Joseph

Here we arrive at more angels. My mother also crafted the angel on the right.

Angels

The final stop is this lovely statue by Michaelangelo entitled Pieta. Here Mary is holding the crucified Jesus. She is quite young in this statue and it has been postulated that Mary is holding the baby Jesus but we see the crucified Jesus, which is the future of this baby.

The Pieta

Next entry we will make a trek to our basement.

My Mother's Religious Paraphernalia Part 1 - The Kitchen

Greeting and salutations earthlings,

My mother is a religious woman and active in the church. A religious enthusiast if you will. I think she is a fairly good example of someone who is a churchgoer. She is non-judgmental and has a positive and loving nature. How I evolved from her womb and became the person I am is still largely a mystery for the scientific community.

I will be showing pictures over the next few days of all the various religious paraphernalia my mother has in the house. Today I will be showing the religious items in our kitchen.

Our first stop is the left window ledge near the sink, where we see this cute statue of the late Pope John Paul II. It creeps me out because for me it's like, "dude you got a figurine of someone who died. It's so cartoony. It's like that buddy Christ in that Dogma movie" For my mother however, it is a sign of respect.

Pope John Paul II

Next is the new Pope. We don't want to be showing disrespect to the new Pope by just having pictures of past popes so that is why this picture is next to the John Paul figurine.

Pope Benedict XVI


On the opposite window ledge we come to this figurine of Jesus, Mary and Joseph. Notice how there is an Extra Strength bottle of Tylenol and a mini bottle of alcohol next to it. My father keeps these mini alcohol bottles for show in our kitchen.

Jesus, Mary and Joseph

Next we will move along to the fridge. Here are fridge magnets on the front of the fridge.

Front of Fridge

And now we shall explore the magnets on the side of the fridge. The magnet on the left quotes Psalms 3:33 stating; "Sing unto the Lord a new song". The magnet on the right is that of Mary. Did I mention she's a virgin?

Side of Fridge

Here's a magnet of St. Anthony. I believe many people gravitate towards a Saint based on many things such as having a family member that shares the same name or they have a Feast day in common.

St. Anthony holding baby Jesus

A house would be incomplete if it didn't have a Jesus and Joseph thermometer! Yes I know a fucking mini thermometer! What a crazy idea.

The mini Jesus and Joseph Thermometer

Moving right along we come to the religious calendar. Before my parents renovated our kitchen, we had 2 religious calendars but now we just have one.

Religious Calendar

Our last stop in the kitchen we find this plaque that is next to the entranceway of our kitchen. This plaque reads: Immaculate Heart of Mary Pray for Us who have Recourse to Thee. This plaque is above my eye level and I am only 5'6" so if you're 5'10" then it probably would be eye level for you.

Mary Plaque

Next entry we will journey into the living room.

Brotherhood and the Struggle for Existence

In Steiner's lecture Brotherhood and the Struggle for Existence, he briefly mentions about past scientific evidence in relation to struggling for existence. A Russian scientist named Kessler had showed that the animals capable of development and become truly progressive are not the ones that do the most fighting, but those that give mutual support to one another, that help each other. Struggle is present but the question becomes what furthers development more: warfare or mutual assistance? Peter Kropotkin, an anarchist, wrote a book entitled Mutual Help in the Animal Kingdom and Human Life which provides evidence that mutually assistance leads to progress instead of fighting.
The struggle for existence has its place in the world. It takes a certain amount of egoism to develop our talents and to take initiative but if we do not work on ourselves and develop our talents, we will be poor helpers.
Survival of the fittest is a complete myth. Many people are strong in one area and weak in others. Who determines what is strong and what is weak? It is all dependent on perspective. What I may perceive within myself as a weakness may from another more wiser perspective may be my greatest strength.
When I watch these reality shows, like say the Apprentice, it becomes quite evident that the teams that do well are the ones that make an effort to put their ego aside and work together inside of fighting.
I think it's great that we all have egos but it's also important that we can put it aside and forget about ourselves.
Brotherhood and the struggle for existence are 2 distinct streams that work in humans. We must recognize that within individuals there is something that yearns for both individuality and brotherhood/community. Neither must be denied and both must be developed.

Reality

She was beginning to realize that maybe God didn't have plans for her. She was beginning to realize the futility of life. Everyone around her had something going on in their life that was interesting. People had jobs that they liked, children to take care of, friends to socialize with. They lived their life with some sense of purpose.
All she wanted was success and a loving relationship. It was all too elusive for her. The continual search for meaning and purpose for her life left her tired. She tried becoming more compassionate and loving and that seemed to help.
Thoughts of self annihilation would continue to seep into her. She would gradually become more comfortable being herself but she found that the more she became herself, the more people withdrew from her. Her kindness and honesty were too much for some people. For some, cruelty was the norm and being loving and kind was considered violent.
She gradually become more isolated and she only had her own thoughts to entertain her. The people who she thought were her friends only trivialized her feelings and her insights. The gentleness that she was allowing people to see was being trampled upon.
She wanted to make a difference in the world. She wanted to know that her words and actions did create positive change in the world.
She was frozen. She could not carry out the will of her spirit. She did not know what was blocking her and she soon began to realize the frailty of her ambitions.
She did not know what to do with her latent potential. She wanted to bloom but could not. She knew she had to make the right choice. She did not believe in a pre-determined destiny. She believed in free will and choices.
She continued to pursue her ambitions only to have constant rejections. Unable to hold down a job. Unable to move out and become independent. Unable to attract a loving companion. Unable to fit in with her peers whom she so craved for their respect. It was becoming too much for her.
What will be her next step, her next choice?
Confusion was becoming her normal state. Her once clear and direct demeanor soon became riddled with extreme self-doubt.
What should she choose? She was constantly choosing life, choosing growth, choosing love but these paths were failing her.
All it did was leave her poor, lonely and frustrated.
What happens to things that aren't allowed to become what they were meant to do?
What happens to the rose that isn't allowed to become that rose?
What happens to the grass that isn't allowed to become that grass?
What happens to that dove that isn't allowed to become that dove?

She didn't want to choose self annihilation. She decided to continue her efforts in hopes that life will work out.
It had been 7 years and she still had found herself in the same position.
No loving relationship. No job. No independence. No purpose.
She had garnered some wisdom during this time but wisdom does not pay the rent.

She continued to apply for work in fields she wasn't interested in. She continued making meager wages and any attempt to improve her economic position was squashed and she was thrown back down the well of poverty.
She continued to pour her energy into winning the respect of her peers. She was already an outsider of society and now her outsider friends were making her an outsider. Her presence was habitually ignored. No one dared to ask her how her day was.
She maintained a sunny disposition. For in some areas of her life, she truly was happy and at peace.
At night she would search her soul and all she could do was cry.
Her life wasn't working out. She learned at a young age that you cannot plan life.
Life was taking her nowhere. Numerous attempts to take control of her life and to direct her life led her nowhere.
She was trapped and didn't know a way out.
She always believed that the feeling of being trapped was a misperception and that we always could find a way out of our misery.
She was beginning to realize that statement was a lie.
She was beginning to believe that life played favourites and that it didn't matter how positively you thought and if you had faith in the goodness of the universe.
If life played favourites, what good choices could she possibly make?

She chose self annihilation.

Spring Forward

I started to knit a few days ago. My mother is a regular knitter and she always gets the Mary Maxim catalogue and I saw one sweater that I liked and I thought I'd try to make it myself as my mother always knitted things for me. I'm giving myself ample time to finish it and since it's a winter sweater, my goal is to finish it by October. I'm not sure if I want to work on it about 10 minutes a day or maybe pick a few days a week and work on it. I want to work on it consistently though.
I've done 5 rows. My mother told me casting on is the hardest part and it took me about 5 or 6 attempts to actually realize what I was doing wrong. My sweater is simple to do. I'm starting off ribbing and so my stitching is knit 3 and purl 2 and the following row is reversed. I'm better then when I first started out. I still get the 2 stitches mixed up. Also the sweater requires that I use 2 strings instead of the usual single string.

When my mother knits in the living room, our cat Sally will pounce on the shadow of the yarn and needle. Sally was also doing this while I was knitting and she was pouncing on the shadow of my needle.

The Hills Are Alive

I'm at odds with whether I should buy a new computer or not. In between thoughts of why am I on this earth and what's for dinner, I am becoming consumed with my computer dilema. I want a dual core but I read that it would be better to wait 6 months for the technology to be more mainstream. I don't want to spend more then $900 on a laptop and the only Dell dual core near my price range is $1100 but then I have to worry about the operating system. Do I want to continue to support the mediocrity known as Microsoft or do I support Linux? Do I want to support IE or Firefox? More research must be done on my part.
On top of it, my computer has been acting quite shifty lately and I think it's because of some viruses or maybe not.
This is probably one good reason why I wish I had a geek boyfriend. My first geek boyfriend bought my computer for me and loaded it up with various programs. Mind you he was an asshole...

We have a morning dove who is spawning in our evergreen tree. We had robins last year in our tree.

A Message From the Doppelganger of George W. Bush

Hello World and Fellow Americans,

This is the doppelganger of the infamous George Bush. I have important news. I can't go on being his doppelganger anymore. He is too much of an asshole and even for someone as diabolical and sinister as I am, I just can't deal with his shit anymore. I can't believe the lies and the propaganda that he's spewing. Yes I take some responsibility, but he has gone too far. I have to incarnate into a soul that is more virtuous then Mr. Bush.
America, I have to let you on a secret that maybe none of your Presidents haven't shared with you. You're not really the economic powerhouse of the world. You're not really this superpower of the world. You just have great PR. You're really like a teenager who thinks she/he is invincible and has a false sense of bravado. But you're not! You're a country that's got issues and problems just like all the other countries in the world.
The world doesn't need saving. You know at first I thought it was great to try and 'Americanize' all the other countries in the world and force democracy down their throats. I thought it was great to feed the American public this illusion that we're saving people because no one is going to knock someone who wants to help people. It's a great ploy. Being manipulative under the guise of Virtuousness. But then I started having pangs of conscience. Yes I know, fucking unbelievable, a doppelganger of all entitites to have this type of experience. When I made this realization it was like that scene from the Crying Game and all I could do was puke for 4 days.

So I had to leave Mr. Bush. You're on your own now cocksucker. I can't go on being manipulative and so deceiving to the American public. I believe countries need to be sovereign. Democracy is something that results because people have a burning desire to be independent and free. We cannot coerce our ethics and what we think is right onto other nations. We just can't be so deceitful anymore. We can't pretend to be heros when we really have more selfish intentions.

I would like to apologize to the world. I am sorry for what I did. I am sorry.

Yeah Income Tax

I did my income tax and so I am anticipating a return in the next few weeks. I'm thinking of using that money for a new laptop. I've done some research and I read an article about this new duo processor technology. The article suggests to wait to buy a new computer because of this technology. I've had my laptop since September 1999 and the people at Dell were not able to really help solve my problem since I had to call again. My computer is working okay for now but I don't know how much longer this baby will last.
The technicians just seemed so shocked and didn't seem to know how to fix a computer so old. Maybe Dell sucks for tech support when a computer gets so old and maybe I should have someone look into my computer.
Yes I still have Windows 98.

I don't want to spend much money on whatever laptop I buy. I spent way too much for this one. I like laptops because it gives me the freedom to take my computer wherever I want. Even though I tend to keep it in the same spot, I like knowing that I can take it wherever I want.
[cut to scenes of me carrying my laptop with glee down a major New York road.
cut to scenes of me in a wedding dress with me and my laptop on the dancefloor.
cut to scenes of me having kinky sex with some hot guy and me winking and saying to my laptop 'don't I make you proud lappie!']

I don't really use my computer for much. I use it mostly for internet and email. I also use Word and the accounting program and I like minesweeper. What else can I do with this thing anyways?
I know I'm sorry oh mighty computer geeks. I'm not utilizing my computer's full potential. And now I plan on buying a computer with even more power and I will continue to utilize a small amount of its power and potential. Any opinions and advice by computer geeks on what I can use my computer for or what's a good system to buy is welcomed.

I saw Madonna's new video Sorry. Near the end there is some dance off scene and we see Madonna incorporating Yoga moves into her fighting/dancing solo. She's done this before in a prior video. As a former Yoga practioner, I think it's great to be making Yoga hip but when you do that more then once in your vidoes, it looks to me like you are running out of creativity. I enjoy Madonna's music and her work but please, you've done the Yoga thing before in your videos, we know you're superflexible and in shape. Please explore something new.

Why is pee warm?

Obsessive Stalker Part 2

My inner obsessive stalker is doing well today. My inner stalker is relaxed and no one has been obsessively stalked. Let's see how inner obsessive stalker (IOS) is doing today.

Me: How are you feeling after last night?

IOS: I feel better. I don't feel so obsessed to stalk this individual.

Me: Are you concerned that you'll feel this way next week, that you'll have a relapse?

IOS: Right now I don't think I'll relapse. It's possible. I don't want to deny the possibility. I'm just taking it a day at a time so it's pretty hard for me to say what will happen next week.
I think I had an important experience last night so I feel much better and so I don't really think I'll have the same feelings and thoughts.

Me: I think everyone has these moments in life where we are so desperate to be loved and this desperation makes us feel and think and do things we normally don't do. This desire to be loved I think is a fundamental trait in humans. I think being and feeling unloved creates a great many aberrations in the psyches of people. What advice do you have for people who feel this desperation that can lead to stalking or wanting to stalk someone and being possessive?

IOS: I think it's important to acknowledge and listen to what we feel. Don't just take us literally, try and see the good that lies in us. We're just here to be transformed, to be released. All I am is an ignored need. Denying me just gets me more upset and giving me what I want just leaves me feeling empty and just throws me down even further into the abyss of obsession.

Me: Well I applaud your courage my inner obsessive stalker. I hope that my wonderful readers can learn from you. You live in all of us my inner obsessive stalker. You have taught me well. Thank you for your time.

IOS: Thanks. It was a pleasure to be featured on your blog.

Obsessive Stalker Part 1

Okay I'm feeling like stalking someone I ran into by accident last week. Now I normally don't stalk people but I must confess, I have a bit of obsessive stalker lurking in my soul. It normally doesn't come out. I usually have normal relationships with people. I'm on friendly terms with my inner obsessive stalker. I acknowledge it and that usually keeps it in line. My inner obsessive stalker might have gotten upset a few times but nothing hard core.
Today though my inner stalking is really wanting to stalk this person I ran into by accident. I found out this person regularly attends this 'event' and it is actually in what I consider to be 'my end of town' as it is in the end east of Hamilton and is about 5 minutes from my house by car. I knew this person participated in this activity but I thought it was on Wednesdays and in the downtown part of Hamilton. Now I find out it's close to my area.
I'm quite tempted to run into this person, drag them out into the bushes and have my way and make them love me.
Now I know I can't make someone love me but this is what my inner obsessive stalker wants. I know that it's not cool to stalk someone. It just makes you look bad and desperate, however, for the inner obsessive stalker in all of us, it just wants what it wants when it wants. I will begin a dialogue with my inner obsessive stalker.

What do you want inner obsessive stalker? What do you want from this person? What do you need? You can get that from yourself you know.
Is it something you want from this person in particular? What is this person triggering in you inner obsessive stalker?

Inner obsessive stalker is silent.

Inner obsessive stalker begins to speak about the stalkee.

Why do you ignore me?
Don't you want me?
I thought we had something special!
You hurt me and you ignore me.
I want to be your friend.
Why can't you grow up and be mature about the situation.

Thank you for sharing this my inner obsessive stalker.
Inner obsessive stalker has a few moments to cry as she feels her pain and acknowledges the hurt that she has ignored.

Well I think I'm going to let my inner obsessive stalker have a rest. I'm sure this was hard for her. Hopefully we'll hear more from her in the next few days.

Meditation Found to Increase Brain Size: A study by Harvard

Dell Technical Support

I had this problem with my computer on Wednesday night and contacted Dell for tech support last night. My problem was when I restarted Windows, I had an error message come up stating
While initializing device IOS
Error: real mode system memory allocation failed

I'm not into this techno stuff so I don't really understand what goes on. Anyways, I contacted Dell and I was on the phone waiting to speak to someone for 20 minutes and then I was on the phone for an hour trying to 'cure' my computer. This person gave me a few things to do to fix the problem but nothing seemed to work. The person said that if these things don't work, I may have to reinstall Windows.
We had one more thing to try - a technical activity requiring a screwdriver where I had to remove the memory and put it in another slot, or something to that affect. I unfortunately had my guitar lesson so I had to leave.

I call today and had to wait 13 minutes. The technical support person had me restore a registry from a few days ago and this seemed to solve my problem. I probably was on the phone for 10 minutes. I don't know if this was some bandage solution but I'm just happy my computer is up and running.

Isn't that fucking ridiculous? I've had this happen before when I've called Dell's tech support. My first call usually someone gives me a bunch of things to try which don't work and then they throw out the 'you'll have to reinstall windows' bullshit. I then call a second time because I think I'll probably find a better technician since I don't believe in reinstalling windows. I end up having my problem quickly solved with none of this 'reinstall windows' bullshit.

Dell, what is with this inconsistent tech support? Are your technicians receiving adequate training? I appreciate the fact that I can use their technical support but it would be better if the knowledge level was more consistent.
Dell maybe you should change your slogan to: Helping people on the second call.

I've been watching Much Music's VJ Search. I know, I should know better. I'm 27, I'm too old to be watching what has become a station of mindless sloth. I can't help it, I've been sucked in! Most of the contestants are 21 and a few are 23, one was 28 and another 25. The 28 year was kicked off probably because she was 'fat' and 'old', even though the judges didn't directly come out and say she was too old and fat for this position. I have fat and old in quotations because these terms are what I think the judges perceive. I didn't think she was fat or old as these terms have been used in relativity.
Anyways, I wonder what I would have been like if I was 21 and auditioning for this on tv. They are so whiny and emotionally immature. I don't want to be picking on them because it's a challenging situation to be. I've occasionally had moments where my emotions get the better of me. It just looks like they are letting their emotions out of control too much.
I guess I just don't understand how people can let themselves get so emotionally worked up all the time and I don't understand why people don't know how to keep things to themselves because sometimes it's better to keep your mouth shut. I've been pissed off and annoyed by people so many times but I didn't go around consistently discussing this because I find that I more I discuss negative people or what annoys me, the more miserable I feel. Oh sure I've had the occasional rant but I think that's normal.
I think when I was around 21, I was striving to be emotionally mature and since I was 18 I have been consciously working on myself spiritually. So I just wonder if these people are aware of how they come off when they complain so much about trivial things. I liked a couple of the contestants because they believed in taking the high road and not being petty.

We had some interesting discussions in my study group on Sunday. We somehow got into the discussion about why don't people realize the spiritual content of The Lord of the Rings? One woman had a couple of books that discuss the philosophies of the book/movie but many people seem to be oblivious to the spiritual nature of the story. Apparently Tolkien knew CS Lewis and Owen Barfield (Barfield was a student of Rudolf Steiner's Anthroposophy) and I believe it was Lewis and Barfield who would engage in spiritual discussions and Tolkien was absorbing the various ideas. So there's probably a bit of anthroposophy in Lord of the Rings.
I think it's pretty simple as to why people are oblivious to the spiritual content. It's because people are afraid of admitting that there's a spiritual world. Even I get afraid of my spiritual experiences and try and look for a logical explanation. I study anthroposophy, a spiritual philsophy and there are many times where I experience this fear of the spiritual world.

I find that the more sex I have, the more I want it.
I find that the less sex I have, the more I want it.
Is there no happy medium?

Happy Birthday Co-Creator

Today it is my mother's birthday and we went to Mandarin for lunch. I'm not a huge fan of Mandarin because I always end up feeling sick afterwards. I didn't have ice cream this time, I just had some ice cream pie dessert. I normally eat large amounts of dessert but today I didn't feel like it. I also have a tip for eating ice cream at the Mandarin. I never eat the ice cream with the ice cream bowls they supply. Instead I use the soup bowls because they are larger.
I ended up having soup and then I noticed that they offered crackers in packs of 2 so I thought I'd take some to eat for later. Every time I went up to eat I would take several packs of crackers. I now have a whole bunch of crackers in my jacket.

I also baked a cake for my mother, which is something I never do. I should become a saint. I've baked before and usually my mother and I do so together. What motivated me to bake my mother a cake? Well when it was my birthday, she tried out some new recipe. I don't remember what went wrong but the top layer of the cake was slipping and the cake was misaligned and although it tasted good, it was architectually unsound. So I complained and my mother said that when it's her birthday I should make her a cake and so I said that I will to prove that I have the skills to make an architectually sound cake unlike the one my mother created.
I'm not motivated to do good out of the goodness of my heart.
I'm motivated to do good because I think I'm vastly superior to the majority of humans and I want to prove that I can do things better.

My one friend and I, along with someone else, went out and my friend was telling me about how someone we met in Yellowknife was talking to her (as they went out last weekend) about her experience at a Biodynamic farm. This girl from Yellowknife who's in Guelph now wants to go into farming and seed making and likes the methodology of Biodynamic farms, which is an initiative of Rudolf Steiner.
My friend knows that I've been studying Steiner for quite some time but when I was in Yellowknife, no one really knew that Steiner was a passion of mine. The girl in Guelph now remembers that I was the comedian (as I do improv) and so when my friend was telling her that I know about Steiner, she was surprised. She's got one of Steiner's books.
My friend and I were discussing how nice this girl is. I didn't really know her much and only hung out with her a few times. I was telling my friend how I felt that this person was probably the kindest person I've ever met. Sure I've met some nice people in my lifetime but you could feel her kind, gentle and accepting nature very strongly. We both agreed that she was an exceptionally loving individual.

I started experiencing allergy symptoms yesterday. I started experiencing allergies 3 years ago but it started around May or the end of April.