Life Hurts

Greetings all,

This post will be depressing so I thought I'd give a heads up first.

I've mentioned that I've been into kundalini yoga for about a year and a half now. I used to do hatha and qigong and have always made it a point to have some sort of physical activity that is mindful and brings calm in my world.

I am doing a meditation discipline as mentioned called ganapati kriya and I have some dvds by this couple that brand themselves as Raviana. I've also practiced and learned from books so essentially I do my own home study and maybe would like to someday attend a class, although I do attend regular group meditations.

I've decided to do another discipline for a kriya called sat kriya. I've read that it's one of the most potent kriya to work with and it has been said this is one of the 3 Yogi Bhajan says one should do if all the meditations were lost and that should not be lost as a teaching.

It's been pretty intense at times and it's a nice compliment to the ganapati I'm working with. I'm building up my time and have started out with the minimum of 3 minutes. I got up to 11 minutes so now I am building up to 22 minutes. In kundalini yoga, they have certain times to build things up to and they are 3, 11, 22, 31 and 62 minutes. As well, if you decide to undergo a discipline, you have to commit to it for 40 days and cannot skip a day. So with my 2 disciplines, no matter what I do, I have to make sure I do it before I go to bed. I'm pretty disciplined so that's not an issue.

Anyways, it's been intense to work with sat kriya because I might do it for 2 days and feel relaxed and nothing really emotional comes up and then when I try it again, all sorts of emotional stuff comes up and it's just so damn painful and scary. It hurts so bad but I know it's for my own good, because in a sense I am cleaning out my subconscious and am dealing with stuff I've repressed, and possibly traumas from past lives. I'm still on the fence about past lives but I feel there's so much emotional stuff I've had to process, it's the only logical answer. I have had some frustrations in life but my life was not that traumatizing.

I know in the long run I am happier and don't get as angry at things and am less triggered and more secure with myself, however, some days are really depressing for me because sometimes really painful stuff comes up and it's hard to process. There are some days where I just want to slit my wrists and kill myself and just end this miserable experience called life. I know that I shouldn't and I've never attempted suicide but it's just really painful. It runs it's course and then I'm okay and eventually will again repeat this cycle but there are some days where I feel good and optimistic. But sometimes it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I normally don't like to tell people how I feel because I don't want to bring people down and I think as well, unless you have an active meditation practice like I do, you probably just wouldn't understand what I'm going through. So I do feel lonely at times about my own suffering.

The last time I felt this type of pain was in my early 20s when I was experiencing an existential crisis and it last for about 3 years and happened around 20-23. I'd experience these bursts of pain and turned to anthroposophy for my spiritual nourishment, which seemed to help. I figure I am going through another intense spiritual phase and I think it started around 28 so I think it will be over soon but I think it's for my own good.

This is why as well I don't believe in the theory of Positive Thinking. Because I think you have to penetrate into the subconscious level to create lasting change in an individual. I think if someone just thinks positive thoughts all day, it will just create superficial change and I would think it's treating the symptom and not the cause. I feel because I am clearing and dealing with these buried issues via meditation, I naturally have an easier time to maintain a positive attitude and it's not something I have to work hard to do, I'm working hard on the level to actually get to the root of the problem.

I Must Be Crazy!

Greetings all,

I had mentioned in a recent post, about my current dry love life and how I had decided I wasn't going to contact the 'english muffin' whom I've been frustrated with over.

I have to admit that I like this guy so much, that I actually did a flow chart about whether I should email him or not. A FLOWCHART!!

I think a week earlier I had mentioned I wrote out an email, which I had no intention of sending, and I tossed it mainly since I was still angry and was not expressing that in an adult manner as it was tinged with some frustration. I decided to write something more dignified, which acknowledged the situation but was not conveying neediness or frustration.

In my flow chart, I basically attributed this status update to be what triggered the ignoringness so I was listing the possible reasons for why it occurred, and I came up with misinterpretation or his own insecurity or a form of passive aggressive. I had thought it would be justified to contact him if it was for the former but I wrote out the risks for the later as if he is insecure, this is going to cause problems down the line.

I can't believe I did a flow chart...

Anyways, I spoke with one of my male coworkers, asking how he would interpret the status and his mind thought it was dirty too.

I had emailed him yesterday afternoon and I don't care if I hear from him or not (I would like to hear from him, but I really have to not be attached).

I have thought that if someone wrote me a note like that, I probably would acknowledge it right away, but being he is a man and he basically ignored me for no legitimate reason and it was merely a misinterpretation issue, I figure he is going to mull this over, since guys don't like to admit too easily when they make a mistake.

I still can't believe I did a flow chart....
the things I do for love!

I figured as well though, if he ignored me and was offended by this status, it probably means he likes me, otherwise it wouldn't have bothered him.

Anyways, he has reasons to be a little mistrustful towards me. He was in the process of 'making the kill' and then I say this and he takes it the wrong way (I am assuming that this update is what triggering the lack of conversation between us). we've been doing this on again/off again nonesense and the last time we stopped talking, because I was getting frustrated with not having him visit or things get clearly labeled (i.e. him calling me his girlfriend). Way back when after we had experienced another period of not talking and we became friends again on facebook, one of my status updates was that I have a hot date, again me wanting to push him to want to label me as his girlfriend and to hurry it up because some other man will claim me. That seemed to work against me!

So yes, I think I have to admit things have not been progressing as smoothly with him as I would have liked. I figured I maybe should extend some sort of olive branch. I think this could work. He is probably one of few people that when I talk to him, I never feel bored and I always smile.

I'm just trying to learn my lessons and do what I think is right.

a flow chart!!!
I am crazy!

Making the Right Decisions

Greetings all,

I had started wondering if making decisions was an issue for me because there are times when I feel I am indecisive and unclear about what to do next. So I had thought that maybe I'll take out a book on Decision theory, which I managed to find.

I am up to Chapter 6 of a book with 13 chapters and I can already tell I probably will not like the rest of this. The book is called "The Right Decision" by James Stein, PhD. He is a math professor.

So he starts out by saying that people who are successful typically make good decisions in life so it makes sense to strengthen this faculty in yourself so that you can make better decisions. He constructs these quizzes and gives you points on which answer you give. Obviously, the best decision is the one with the most points.

He's used some examples from history to create the quizzes from. I liked taking the quizzes because I'm a nerd so taking quizzes makes me feel smart. Some of the questions, I chose the best answer and if you choose the best answer, it's worth 5 points. Second best choice can be worth 1-3 points and the worst choice is worth -1 to 1. Some questions I didn't make the right choice but I didn't agree with his line of thinking and I actually think I made the right decision, inspite of what he thought was the right decision.

He is a critic of Malcolm Gladwell's book The Power of Thinking Without Thinking and he briefly mentions that people don't like thinking because it's hard work so that's probably why the above book was so popular (or maybe he's just jealous of MG?). I totally agree with this since thinking does require effort and it's important to use this thinking muscle and push it. I'm sure most of my readers know that I am into philosophy, particularly the philosophy known as Anthroposophy and I think reading some of these books have really trained my thinking faculty so I think I can probably out think most people. But I have to be in the mood, because sometimes I just can't be bothered to tear apart people's faulty belief structures. Mainly because it would take some time and I'd probably have to care... and frankly I could think of better ways to spend my time.

One of the questions is based on history and is about Christopher Columbus and in this question, you are the queen of Spain and it asks if you should fund him. Logically it would not be a good decision to go with this suggestion of this man who wants to sail to Asia, especially since at that time people thought the world was flat and it was a crazy notion. The correct decision according to the quiz was to turn him down. However the reality of history was that the Queen did say yes and well we all know what happened from there. America was discovered, yada yada yada...

I think his whole book loses credibility because he himself says sometimes the wrong decisions, lead to the right results. So then working on my decision making skills is not really going to help me?

Who knew what the hell the Queen of Spain was thinking and what made her decide to think this whole Columbus voyage could work out.

Since I haven't read the rest of the book, I skimmed through the remaining and it doesn't look like he's going to explain this issue of why sometimes illogical decisions can be good decisions.

I think his book loses all its value because he's just contradicted himself. You can't say successful people make successful decisions because in the above case, success occurred with a bad decision. There are countless other examples in history where people are trying to discover one thing and accidentally discover something else. So making the 'right' decisions, which really are logical decisions, do not necessarily lead to success.

I got this book from the library so I don't actually own it. Which I think was a good decision.

This is Me. Take it or Leave it!

Greetings all,

This entry I will be discussing my romantic life, or really the lack of it. Anyways, I had mentioned back in September how I had decided to stop all communication with the guy I was into who was living in england.

I finished rereading that entry and I did not mention why he was ignoring me. I am pretty sure he was upset at one of my facebook status'. I wrote for an update 'my inner thighs are really sore'.

Okay now my thighs were sore because the night before I was working out with a new kundalini yoga dvd and it was quite challenging and it really worked my inner thighs. They literally were really sore! Being that I have a dirty mind and a twisted sense of humour, I came up with this status in the morning. I didn't think much of it and thought it was funny. I came up with another status the next day saying I drink expired milk. Which was true since I don't use milk often and usually I will keep it for a few days past the expiry date since its still good for the most part and I don't believe in wasting food and the milk that day I was drinking was expired. He commented on this status and not the inner thigh one, which means he most likely read the inner thigh status.

I think it was around this time that he actually starting to ignore me. Eventually I started to think that maybe he took my status the wrong way and assumed my inner thighs were sore from having sex - which was far from the truth since at that time, I didn't have sex in such a long time that I don't even want to mention it! And the truth is that the less sex I have, the more dirtier my updates get! I wasn't sure what to do so then I decided to write the same type of status but to add that my thighs were sore from exercise. I did that and still did not hear from him.

And then back in September I decided that if he's going to ignore me, I just won't deal with him and so I removed him as my youtube friend, facebook friend and I deleted my skype account and all the emails we exchanged that I had kept in a separate folder.

I was hoping maybe things would have worked out between us because I think there may have been something worth pursuing. I have been pining for him on and off but I had some personal issues to sort through and I just decided to focus on my own happiness and peace of mind because dealing with a long distance situation is just too frustrating for me.

I had a wave where I wasn't really thinking much about him but then in March I had been thinking about him again. I made a list of his pros and cons and I thought he had more pros then cons. I started to write an email, I didn't plan to send it to him but just to write my feelings and wanting to clarify that I'm assuming my status about my inner thighs were sore was why he ignored me.

I felt in the email like I was chasing after him and I just saved the email. I deleted it the next day and wrote as my facebook status that 'I bow to no cock, dick or testicle. Feminine power forever!'

I'm not going to chase after a man. I want a mature man who can understand who I am. I am not going to compromise my sense of humour for anyone. I am who I am. I have a dirty mind and if you don't like it, too bad. If you don't like me, get lost because I'm not interested! I'm only going to change because it comes from within me, because I want to, not because some man is overly sensitive. I will not change for anyone and will be true to myself always and put myself first!

I want to be fully accepted for who I am and I'm sure in time I will find the right man who will appreciate me for the wonderful person that I am!

When I had my first boyfriend at 19, at some point he kept saying that the relationship wasn't working out because of me, I had trust issues and didn't listen to him, etc. None of this was true and I was and am a good person to get along with. He was a mind fucker and I vowed to never be in that type of mentally abusive situation ever. And that was really the only time I experienced that. I have dated some guys. Most were decent, although they weren't right for me.

This situation with Daniel was a bit similar because I think being British, maybe he was too uptight and I am not willing to be with someone who I feel I have to walk on eggshells. If he's so insecure with himself and can't take a joke then I don't want him! We've known each other long enough, he should know by now my sense of humour.

I want to be free to be who I am. Weird, funny, brilliant, horny and compassionate!

I deserve better and expect to be accepted for who I am.

This Ain't Art Asshole!

Greetings all,

I had went to the Art Gallery of Ontario (AGO) last Sunday as I had went to see the King Tut exhibit. I went with a friend and we had a chance to see other exhibits. I saw this one piece of 'art' and I was just irritated. We were on the modern artists floor and generally I hate that sort of stuff because what many of these modern 'artists' create is not real art. It's shit. Bullshit. I'm no art connoisseur but I can appreciate art and I know good art when I see it! This was not good art.

This is the piece that really pissed me off:



Here is the description of what the artist intended to do with this creation:



Okay, now I agree with the concept. I totally get it. The sink fascinates you and you want to express that artistically. I get that, I really do. What a great concept!

The 'art' he created is not true art. Art by definition involves being creative. Being creative usually involves imagination and imagination involves taking something that exists and transforming it into something different.

All this lazy asshole did was get some giant board, crazy glued a sink to it and spray painted some black around it. That is not being creative. That's just what we call another day at Home Depot!

If he had say destroyed a sink and then made a mosaic out of the broken pieces, then yeah I'd say, that's some interesting shit. But you can't take an object and glue it on something and claim it's art. It's not!

No transformation had taken place with this piece.

Back to the drawing board Jim!

Don't Touch Me

Greetings all,

I went out on St Patrick's day with some of my coworkers. Most of them are mid 20s. We used to go eat lunch together but they don't really eat with us anymore and only a couple of us have lunch together. These people would actually want to work through their lunch, since they are so busy. This makes no sense to me, because legally we are entitled to breaks and we don't get paid for lunch. I like these coworkers but it's quite naive to work all the time. I think it actually de-enhances your productivity and performance.

Anyways, one of my coworkers who I tend to regularly eat with is 38 and I think he probably has a thing for me. We sometimes meet up with other coworkers from a different floor, but for the most part we just eat by ourselves and sometimes one of the coworkers joins us. At my last job, I would eat lunch on my own in the kitchen but I would go out for breaks with my coworkers. At least where I work, we don't have an actually place to sit and eat so we go either outside or at the food court.

So there are 7 of us who went out and I had to leave and do some research (which I never got around to). The problem with going out with young people is that they are so indecisive and take forever to get going, especially girls.

I had to eat something as well and that took time to prepare. We were supposed to leave at 5 and didn't leave until around 5.15 and then we didn't find a place until 6 since we checked out a few places and waited in line for one place which we actually never went in (they had a long line and there was a cover charge)

I wanted to leave for 7 but I didn't get to leave until just a bit past 8 and as I was leaving, the coworker who I think probably has a thing for me (who is sitting next to me) and the dialogue went as follows:

Me: I'm leaving now
Him: (annoying voice) why? (poke)
Me: I have work to do
Him: (annoying voice) why? (poke)
Me: Because I have to
Him: (annoying voice) why? (poke)

This exchange broke the comedy rule of 3 as I think he did this to me 4 or 5 times, thus being extremely annoying. The whole dialogue aggravated me and I didn't want to be around him the next day and I didn't have lunch with him as I decided to eat outside whereas he and another coworker went to the food court.

I was cool with knowing that he probably had a thing for me, which I am not willing to reciprocate but he took it to the next level - the level of flirting. The poking took me to another level of aggravation because I don't like people touching me and his poking was a physical gesture of interest. Since I didn't like him like that, it pissed me off. I don't like hugging people and I only do it if they are the hugging type because that's how they like to show affection for people. I only like to hug my mother and boyfriends.

Aim Realistically

Greetings all,

I went out for St Patrick's last Saturday. I went out playing pool with a meetup group. The organizer runs a few groups but I was signed up under her travel group. Her other group, which I found out when I arrived, was a group for singles. I knew one guy there from a boardgames meetup and he is probably around my age group. The rest of these people were all over 40. I have no problem socializing with people over 40 but sometimes I'd rather be around people my own age or at least with a mix of people. We were the only young people there so it felt weird.

Anyways, this older man was hitting on me and I really didn't know how to tell him I'm not interested. So he kept bugging me, wanting to dance or to play pool. At some point I did tell him I was not interested. I just don't want to hurt their feelings but I decided that night that if I'm not interested in someone, I will just tell them as soon as possible. I'm sure men are used to this rejection, especially the ugly kind. Why should I feel bad? Why should I date a man two or three times when I know instantly I'm not attracted to him? The problem is you want to give a man a chance, which is what I normally do. One or two dates and usually that's a good enough time frame.

As well, this man was in his 40s and I was clearly out of his league. I was way too hot. One of the men playing pool said to aim high (not sure what he was referencing), however I think men should learn to aim realistically.

This isn't the first time I have unattractive guys try to date me. I recently went on a couple of dates with one guy who befriended me on facebook (friend of a friend). Definitely not pleasing to the eye. Bad teeth, bad hair. I thought I'd give him a chance. You never know, he might have an amazing personality!

But realistically I want a man who I find attractive physically. I just don't think I should give ugly guys a chance anymore. Maybe I need to aim more realistically and not just them. I deserve a man that's as hot as I am!

I just don't understand why these men honestly think they have a chance? I know of one theory where they ask any girl and one is bound to say yes so it's just a numbers game but I think that's equivalent to spamming. So these men are women spammers.

I would think they would be more successful if they targeted specific women, namely the ugly kind.

I prefer having good looking men hit on me rather then the ugly kind. It doesn't boost my ego so you're not doing me a favour.

Assholes are Everywhere!

Greetings all,

I went out last night and had chatted up with someone and we briefly mentioned the topic of people. Being that I've lived in Hamilton most of my life, Burlington for 2 years, Toronto for almost 1 year and a 4 month stint in Yellowknife, he asked me if I noticed a difference between Hamilton/Burlington people and Toronto people.

I'd have to say yes to some degree because I am meeting more creative people here and I find people are more articulate in the city (based on my observations of listening to people talk on the street car).

But I think people are the same everywhere in the world. There are nice people and then there are assholes. I don't care how small a smalltown is, I'm sure there's at least 2-3 people who are assholes and that nobody likes!

I've met some interesting people in Hamilton and Burlington but I've met some crazies and ignorant types. I've worked in a lot of factories in my 20s so I definitely met a lot of these 'redneck' types. They might be ignorant but I think they are harmless and decent for the most part.

I think since the city has a larger population, it probably just seems that there are more assholes but I think there is probably some asshole ratio. Like for every 12 people, there is one asshole. I'm not sure how one can calculate this as assholes tend to stick together.

I remember when I was in Barcelona, there were 3 backpackers from either England or Scotland and they were assholes. They were staying in my room (I was in a co-ed dorm room) and I didn't like their vibe. So maybe my guess should be based on asshole clusters. How many asshole clusters exist in a group of people?

There maybe were a hundred people at the hostel I was staying at so the ratio of assholes would be 3:100 or 3%. That sounds about right doesn't it??!!

So if we look at the present population of approximately 6 billion, 3% of that is 180 000 000 (180 million). So that is how many assholes everyone on this planet is dealing with. It seems to correspond closely to the book by Martha Stout "The Sociopath Next Door" which says 1 in 25 Americans are sociopaths (4% of their population).

I would think though maybe my guess is low since every sociopath must be an asshole but not all assholes are sociopaths. The book mentions in Japan, the sociopath rate is under 2% and it is probably because their society is more socialistic and so sociopathic behaviour is deemed more inappropriate.

An Unaccomplished Genius

Greetings all,

Some of you may not already know or maybe you know and have just forgotten, however, I am I believe a genius. I took the Mensa home prep test last year. Mensa is a society for people with high IQs. To be a true Mensan, you need to have an IQ in the top 2%. To be in the society, they drop it to 4%. I didn't pass and I was crushed but I asked them how close (or how far) was I from passing. I was 1% away, which means my IQ is in the top 5%.

Now this verified what I always felt about myself, that I was a genius. I wanted to take an official IQ test to get my IQ number but I never got around to it. I thought about if I would want to post it on a resume but I didn't think it was appropriate. I googled this topic and one recruiter said it would not be wise since you want to highlight your accomplishments.

When I read that, I was quite offended. I mean, being a genius is an accomplishment in itself! I would think I could handle and figure out many things because of my high intelligence. To just gloss over that being a genius is not an accomplishment is quite foolish!

Anyways, I don't really think I've accomplished much in my life but then maybe I have but don't consider them accomplishments because they are so natural to me, it doesn't seem like much. I'm a good worker and am good at organizing things, catching mistakes, thinking ahead. All of these things though, I just assume everyone can do because I would consider those things all logical things to do.

There's probably more things I do that I'm probably not aware of that makes me accomplished, but because I am more reserved about what I can do, I usually don't think much of it.

Alot of disarray in the world, I could argue is due to stupidity and thoughtlessness and being that I am a genius and insightful, I surely could figure out anything I wanted to if given a chance.

I am beginning a new phase in my life so I would like to have more accomplishments and this shall be my focus for the decade - to be an Accomplished Genius.

I've Finally Found My Knight in Shining Armour!

What's Wrong with Vanilla?

Greetings all,

I was on a second date last week with some guy. Now I've been trying to be a good girl and so am keeping my sexual side out of the picture but at some point in the night, the conversation turned to my date's previous marriage about 10 years ago. He thought his wife was too 'vanilla' and wanted to do more fun stuff. For some reason, that statement irked me. What is wrong with 'vanilla' sex? I frankly think vanilla sex is good enough. Why do we feel that we always need to be sexually adventerous all the time? Why is this pressure put on women to perform and be open to all these grand sexual things?

Bah humbug I say!

I think if a woman is not too into sex, maybe it's because the man isn't doing a good job at turning her on and then seems to think it's her fault and think she's unadventerous.

Let me tell you, if you are good at pleasing a woman and finding the right buttons, you can get her going so that she never wants to stop! And doing that doesn't involve having kinky sex toys or doing really uncomfortable/ackward positions!

Her joy, is largely fueled by good oral and your own enthusiasm for sex and her body. Of course, for some women, they have issues around sex but that is a different subject. I am referencing women who are healthy emotionally and comfortable with their sexuality.

The flip side of it is that, being that I'm 31 I'm no spring sex chicken, I've done my own experimenting and now that I'm older, I'm not so inclined to do new things. My attitude is: been there, done that, let's move forward.

I used to want to have a 3-some (with 2 guys) but ever since I turned 30, I just feel I'm too old for that so I'm not really into that idea anymore.

I think I've done enough experimenting and I think I've tried it all. Well, there is still one more fantasy I have that I haven't done and that is having sex in a confessional booth. When I was a kid, I was always forced to go to church and I thought it would be cool to have sex in a confessional booth since it's the place where you confess your sins and there is a curtain that helps to create some privacy in that room. We'll see who gets to be the lucky man for that one!

The Pristine One

Greetings all,

I went out for karaoke with one of my meetup groups and I was the only female for some reason, which normally does not happen. Four of the guys were already married and divorced and the other 2 I think were not.

So some of them did not have healthy relationships and then it reminded me how I'm still 'pristine' in a sense since I've never been married and don't have children. I don't carry around that kind of baggage so in a sense I'm 'pristine' and in some way more valuable.

Sometimes it feels like, where are the pristine men out there? There's gotta be some normal and healthy ones that have never been married without all that emotional baggage.

I know I really wouldn't want to get involved with a man that has kids already and then I'd have to deal with an ex wife. Some women are crazy and don't train their kids properly. And then where would I fit in? I want to be the ruler of my house and if I live with someone else's kids, they play by my rules and not some other women's! I don't want to feel like i have to 'please her'. I don't bow to the pussy!

I was telling a couple of my male coworkers that if I were to be living and married with a man, my happiness has to be #1 and I get the final say in things. With my last roommate, I felt like I had to bend too much with her and she wasn't really compromising with me about things. I could only take so much of that BS before I snapped and so if I were to live with a man, I don't want someone whom I'm always letting him have things his way. I think though, I can make solutions that both parties are happy with so that is probably more what I am interested in. I am fussy about certain things but that's probably because I'm a female and I guess we can get away with being fussy about certain things. I certainly do not want to live with someone who is selfish like my ex roommate because it's selfish people who don't care about your feelings and create problems.

In a way, I could relate to them because I used to live with a bitch and I could relate to their frustration with women, especially since my crazy ex roommate was female. It always surprises me to hear horror stories about some women because I can't imagine being like that. Yes I have said mean things or lashed out in frustration to people but I try and learn from my mistakes and I genuinely want to be a good person. But some people are just rotten and don't seem to have any self awareness or awareness of how it affects people negatively. You can't be mean to people and think they will like you and do what you ask them to! Relationships are 2-way streets, not one way! You scratch my back, I scratch yours. You can't expect that your back gets the scratching all the time! But it still amazes me that people don't get that concept. I like my ego stroked but I know that's something everyone wants. We all want to feel special and important so I have to 'bow' to other people's egos if I want them to bow to mine.

Anyways, some of these men were saying what were some of their issues in the relationships but we women are not all that dysfunctional. As well, if a relationship dissolves, you have to ask yourself what role did you play in it? Were you not expressing your needs and being assertive? Are you not setting appropriate boundaries?

Some men just bend too much and give too much. You should want to be with a woman that can take care of herself. You can't give and not have her reciprocate. That's too one sided. I think you have to find the lesson with these people. I can say at least with my ex roommate, she was selfish and if you spot someone who is selfish, avoid them as best you can. I probably should have ended things with her sooner. It's hard to assert yourself when dealing with selfish people because they just don't listen but you've got to figure out what works according to the situation. They have to follow rules you set otherwise cut 'em loose!

Shower: Part 2

Greetings all,

I neglected to mention another thought I had while at the shower on Sunday.

One of the games they had us do was guess when the couple will have their first child and what names should they give them. I chose not to play that but in my head I was thinking (is this the comic in me or the intuitive mind reader?) she'll miscarry her first.

(yes that is a cruel thought but you know there are people out there who do miscarry and it can happen!)

I guess maybe it was good that I didn't play that game!

Shower

Greetings all,

I went to a shower for a second cousin's future wife. I don't know her, so really I didn't care to go to this. But being that I am Italian, these people run these things in a traditional manner and it's pretty much all I've been accustomed to. I think I've only been once to a non-Italian wedding and I believe they had a stag and doe, so I don't know how women normally run a shower.

This event was just too much and too long. We got to eat at a nice hall. The food was good for the most part but they draw it out and a 3 course meal got spread out in about 2 and a half hours. Normally they organize these really lame bridal games where they hand out prizes but they didn't really have too many going and there was quite a lull in between the meals.

I got to win a prize, which was a giant candle. I hate candles and offered it to people at my table. No one liked the smell of it so I thought I'd donate it to good will but then I thought, what if I just 'forget' it there? Which is what I did.

As well, it's traditional to give 'bomboniera' which translates in Italian to a wedding gift. The gift was a cup and saucer. I recently did some spring cleaning in my apartment so I got rid of stuff I don't use. I actually got rid of a tea cup set I got at my second cousin's wedding and it was still wrapped up. I have no use for because I don't drink espresso or anything like that at my place. So I had to not accept the gift in the beginning they were giving out.

I feel guilty because these events are so extravagent and all I do is complain about it. But really, I would never organize a shower like this. The structure is horrible and frankly I think these italian women in my family need to get creative and stop following tradition. We have so much in this culture. Why are we giving gifts to people that don't need it and it just creates clutter in their life. Why do we get subjected to these lame games and win these useless, tacky prizes? I'm just saying No to these poor, unconscious celebrations people organize. It's so meaningless. I'd rather eat a quick meal and then socialize with the people instead of being chained to a 3 hour meal.(a la Gilligan's Island) A 3 hour meal.

I go to these things because I want to connect with people and that only seems to happen with the people you are sitting with. And I'm not inclined to go table to table to meet people I don't know.

Anyways, I'm just glad there probably won't be any family weddings for a while.

The thing I am a bit suspicious of is that the relative that is getting married is the youngest of 3 brothers. His middle brother was the first to get married. He married his high school sweetheart and they ended up getting divorced because she went to school and fell in love with one of her classmates. The sad thing was he got married at 24, which is way too young to get married nowadays and his brother who is getting married in May will be 26 and is marrying his highschool sweetheart as well.

I know with the last marriage, I think the girl just wanted to organize a wedding - so many girls fall in love with this fantasy of marriage and don't actually realize what it really means. It's about building a future with someone. I am now wondering the same thing with this wedding. I am always skeptical of people that get married and they are that young and don't have much life experience. They don't really know what they want out of life. They just think they do. Then they get a bit more life experience under their belt and then realize they weren't the person who they thought they were.

Well, I don't know how things will work out so I'm not too concerned. I just think it would be ironic if the same thing happened again.

I think I'm a bit bitter as well since they already have a house and are getting married and are 5 years younger then me. But then I can always rationalize how much more of an exciting life I've lived, but then I can rationalize to myself how that I've been alone for that 'excitement'. Anyways, it's a bit of a drag to go to these things, I guess because I'm insecure about this part of my life.

The Road to Enlightenment

Greetings all,

One of the concepts that has always stuck on my mind was in How to Know Higher Worlds by Rudolf Steiner, was his imagery if we are on a spiritual path, we will hit a fork in the road and we will have to choose between the black path, which is egoism, and the white path, which is the good path and path of creativity and love. I have mentioned before that the root of all evil boils down to egoism or selfishness and in Steiner's lecture book called Evil, he mentions this concept. Frequently people will say money is the root of all evil but it isn't. Saying that hides the truth that it's egoism and selfishness. People can be responsible with their power but there must be proper structures to keep people's egos in check and to keep people accountable. It can happen to us all because part of being human means having an ego. No one is exempt from this.

One of the things as well that I have read about is the Buddhist concept of a Bodhisattva, where a Bodhisattva chooses to attain enlightenment for helping all humans liberate. There are many variations on this concept. For example in Mahayana Buddhism, some groups believe that a Bodhisattva can achieve this through several paths and they are: (this is from wiki. buddhahood means one who has attained full enlightenment)

1. King-like Bodhisattva - one who aspires to become buddha as soon as possible and then help sentient beings in full fledge;
2. Boatman-like Bodhisattva - one who aspires to achieve buddhahood along with other sentient beings and
3. Shepherd-like Bodhisattva - one who aspires to delay buddhahood until all other sentient beings achieve buddhahood.

This Bodhisattva concept relates to Steiner's concept of the choosing the black or white path. In essence, choosing the black path means you are still driven by ego and thus are not ready for enlightenment. The key concept Steiner points out is that due to the way the ego is made up and its nature, if it is allowed to be in charge, then that will lead to its own destruction. So basically when people act egotistically, they are creating karma that will lead to their own fall and will hurt them in the long run.

Being that humans have a dual nature, we need to use our ego for positive things as Steiner has mentioned that ascending in the spiritual world requires ego but at the same time you must forget and 'lose' your ego.

I have been going to a yoga ashram in Toronto as they hold a few monthly meditations. I went to a few and I have been to a full moon meditation a couple of times. I think when I went for a second time, there was a different person running it and I think he was the 'sub' for it, I am not sure.

I'm not sure how hard core yogi he was but usually people will chant in a group and direct it to help their loved ones or for the world in general. I thought he was a bit flaky but it was my first time being around him and sometimes I just don't like people right away because I only see a piece of their personality so it might take a bit to get an overall better sense of their personality.

We wanted to send some positive, healing energy for the earth and he mentioned that because he was a vegetarian and relied on public transportation, he wasn't really contributing to the problem. The way I saw that statement was that he wasn't concerned about this issue and only seemed concerned that since he's not really 'the problem'. I mean, it doesn't matter if you are vegetarian or not. It's great that an individual makes choices that are positive but in the long run, it is short sighted because the environment issue is much more bigger then that and just because you may not be directly involved in this problem, doesn't mean in some indirect way you may not be. In other words, his statement I felt was not enlightened nor compassionate.

It's a political issue. It's an economic issue. We all have to do our part and some of us may make bigger contributions like tackling big business. Some of us may only look at our own consumerism and reduce what garbage we produce. There's just so many things to be done and it will take time but to have some airy fairy idea that well because I don't have a car and eat vegetables, I'm not part of the problem is quite ignorant.

So obviously this relates to what I was mentioning earlier because if we are on a spiritual path then really we need to acknowledge that we are always choosing what path we are on. You are either choosing things that hurt you in the long run or choose things that are good for you in the long run. I just don't think this meditation leader was enlightened enough and needs to revise his mental concepts.

Cleaning

Greetings all,

I used to be really diligent in cleaning my room when I was a child. I would clean it every week and on occasion, I would move my furniture around. I really enjoyed pushing my furniture and how different my room felt when I moved things around.

My mother didn't tell me to clean every week. Or maybe she did. Once. But it was something I think I did out of my own free will.

And then when I became a teenager, it was harder to clean my room and I just didn't care anymore. I was struggling to find my place in the world and figuring out who I was.

Obviously, as you get older you accumulate more stuff and I think by the time I moved out when I was 28, I think my space felt cleaner since it was spread out more. My bedroom now just had my bed, instead of my bookshelf and desk.

But believe me, my place still gets messy. I find though, my desk area tends to get the messiest as well as my dresser. I am so lazy, I don't even bother putting my clothes back in the closet. I put away most of my clothes that were on my dresser today. My dresser is about 1 foot away from my closet. My bedroom is really small and is half the size of my old apartment so when I open my closet door, if I try to open it all the way, I would hit my dresser.

I make it a point to clean my apartment once a month and I think the last time I cleaned it was 2 or 3 weeks ago.

I really need a husband because I think maybe I'd keep my bedroom area neater. At least when I had a roommate, I'd keep the common areas fairly tidy but usually I kept my bedroom a mess and never really bothered cleaning it too often

Damn you cruel world!

Greetings all,

Today is Family Day, which is a holiday for us in Ontario so I am organizing my apartment and cleaning up. I had my show at Yuk's and it was a full crowd, so probably around 200 people. They were running a competition to win $25000. As much as I would like to win that money, I was more interested in getting hired on since it would be a good stepping stone. I know in the long run, to be successful, you will have to break out from a circuit and do your own thing but certainly starting with that company is a good place.

Anyways, 2 comics got to advance to the next round and sadly I didn't get to advance. I was the only female (the host was female) and there were about 9 of us all together. I think I was the best one out of them and I should have gotten a spot, so I was quite mad this morning. I was wondering if I was being discriminated because I was a female and maybe they didn't want to pick me because it would look like they were picking me because I was female. But clearly I had talent as I wanted to tell my last joke but didn't have time and so some of the audience members were sighing since they obviously wanted to hear more.

I think maybe because of that, maybe the judges thought I didn't end well as you should always end on a winning joke. Anyways, I've recovered from my bitter loss and I will have to keep plugging away and figuring out myself because I have too much talent and it isn't right if I slave away at a meaningless job. Sometimes I feel like I'm alone in this but that's not necessarily a bad thing because I think I do have the strength to persevere and succeed.

I do hate Teachers!

Greetings all,

I was having some discussions with a couple of coworkers at lunch and somehow we got onto the topic of teachers. I can tell you that I have a bias against the teaching profession and basically think the majority of them are spoiled brats.

First of all, I have a godfather who used to be a teacher and had a car accident so had to go on disability. I think if he were a teacher of mine, I'd probably like him. I've probably had a few teachers in my life that I liked.

The reason I have a bias against them is multi-fold. First of all, I know some people try and get into that profession out of unpure motives and not because they genuinely want to teach and educate young people. I can think of a couple of former coworkers of mine who I felt should not be teachers. Mind you, they wanted to be teachers and were in school. They weren't at the stage where they could go into teaching so maybe they would realize teaching is not for them. I felt they were a bit irresponsible and I know one coworker was the type to shirk responsibility.

Again, I guess since they weren't real teachers, that does not count.

Another thing I don't like is that they go on strike and complain about that they don't make enough money. Frankly, I don't know what profession in the world gives you summer off, 2 weeks off of Christmas, March break and all the other holidays every one else gets. As well they get sick days. I think probably the initial year or two of teaching is a challenge but once you know what you are doing and how to properly organize your time. As well, they don't have to work a full day, whereas a student for most of their time in high school, does not get a break until I think grade 11 or 12 (I went to a Catholic school where we had Grade 13, I know they got rid of grade 13 a few years later)

The way I see it, if you don't like your job, don't be in it. Stop complaining and spreading your misery around!

The other thing I don't respect about teachers is that well.. they just teach. They don't really know the demands or reality of the work world today. Most of them are only familiar with the world of education because most teachers go to elementary, high school, university and into teaching. The only experience they have with the real world is if they take a summer job while in school. I think I had a computer teacher that had some real world experience. I think it should be mandatory for teachers!

As well, I feel that the education that gets forced upon us, is mostly useless stuff. We never really learn real stuff and stuff that can help us as human beings. I think I like the school system of Waldorf, but I have not experienced it but since I am into Anthroposophy, I like the philosophy behind the school.

As well, I think some teachers just aren't creative and are just dead inside in the sense they don't teach us how to teach ourselves and to get to the root and concept of what we are learning. We never seem to get the big picture of things.

Anyways, I probably have more hatred to spew towards teachers and the system in general. I really wonder if they do any real work in this world because sometimes I just don't think they are doing much. But then, we can't attribute all social grievances on them.

I do like to point that I am aware of my hatred for them and perhaps in time, I will let go of my disgust towards this profession

Youth Initiatives

Greetings all,

One of the things that some people in my new book group are organizing is some sort of initiatives young anthroposophists can do. We had a meeting a couple of weeks ago and today had another one. Being that I am an introvert, the meeting was from noon to 4.30pm and was way too draining for me. I am one of these people that can't stand being with people where we spend long hours talking. I like talking to some degree but any sort of meeting for more then 2 hours is just too much and it starts making me turn sour. I need my time to think!

As well, I don't really consider myself a young anthroposophist. The group is for those 16-35 and I'm 31. I don't consider myself young anymore. I am not too sure if I'll be able to make much of a contribution to this group and I'm not sure what initiatives we potentially can work on. The thing is, I don't want to invest too much of my time. I don't want this to get in my way for my plans of global domination!

I've always wanted to do something practical with anthroposophy. I am doing my you tube videos on Philosophy of Freedom, so that is something. I'm just not sure if this is the right time for me. I need to focus on my career and as a creative performer. I am slow in getting things done and I don't want to spread myself too thin.

As well I'm in my practical phase of life. I don't want to waste too much time trying to change the world, which is a common impulse youth feel. While I think that impulse has it's place, sometimes I think it's easier to change yourself and that is what I am focusing on since I have had an active kundalini yoga and meditation practice.

I know when I was in my early 20s, I wanted to change the world, shake things up. I think as you grow older, you learn how difficult it is to change things and so you learn to adapt more realistic concepts of what can change and what cannot. So I shun lofty ideals to some degree. (I don't know why I still want global domination though, that is some form of a lofty ideal).

I think that's one thing I've struggled with in my 20s is where does the practical side of Anthroposophy fit into my life. I mean, maybe for my karmic purposes, reading it and discussing ideas is enough for me to get the spiritual nourishment that I need.

Anyways, another thing I am thinking about is that I think people don't get this concept of 3-folding. I think maybe they think we have to overhaul current society to follow it but I think it's much more simpler then people envision it. I think because it requires some creative thinking and finding out ways in which we are not keeping these spheres separate is what needs to be done. I think what makes it challenging is for people's own individual impulses can guide them to help create some sort of change.

As well, I think society does have some sense of this concept on an instinctive level.

For me, I am interested probably in human rights and economic issues. That may be something I will be more inclined to tackle in my late 40s or 50s as I do also want to get married and have children in the next few years

Is This Evolving?

Greetings all,

I have noticed, thanks to my daily meditation practice, that I just don't get angry or irritated by things as much. But on some level it freaks me out a bit as I wonder if it means that I'm evolving or becoming more passive. I think becoming a passive individual would freak me out too much but I guess it is a good thing to not have things get you riled up all the time.

I guess meditating makes you accept things but I don't think accepting things means you're being passive. I think it's a good thing to accept things because then you can do something constructive or tune it out altogether. But that's why it can become a freaky experience to relax and let go of thoughts and feelings that don't serve you anymore and to accept them, even though they may be painful and ugly.

Donation

Greetings all,

I have to rant about this topic of Donation. I was in a meetup group and the guy was running a meditation group and he advertised in other places. Typically with meetups, I think the site is geared more for socializing but some people use it to promote their own services, which I am okay with to some degree.

I think meditation groups should be free and if you run them, it should be by pure donation. Most people who run a group, there is a monthly fee and usually some charge a small fee and the rest goes to charity.

Now I have been to one of his concerts as he had meetups for sound meditation and he is a musician as well and occasionally performs. For the meetups and for the concert, they write 'a suggested donation of $10'. For a meetup he just writes on the site the suggested donation. I think $10 is much too much for a meditation group. It's not so bad for an hour concert. Usually people charge a toonie every few events. As well, I feel if I am meditating in a group, I as a meditator am helping the people in the group because I have read that when you meditate in a group, we essentially are helping each other out because some of us are clearer then others in certain areas and I may be blocked in one area and for another, that area might be clear so by being in a group with them, it helps me and vice versa. I feel it is a very personal and co-operative experience. I understand there may be costs but sometimes I think the cost is a little too much

Anyways, the point is making a donation is a free deed and you should not tell people how much they should be donated, because then it no longer becomes a donation. You are telling me what to pay and acting like a retailer!

I've been reading a book called Predictably Irrational and the writer/economist had some interesting concepts. One that I enjoyed learning about was that people would rather do something for free then to do it on a reduced fee. If I wasn't told how much money I should be donating, maybe I'd offer more and maybe they'd collect more.

I feel guilty on some degree since I wind up not paying the suggested donation and it is a turn off and demotivates me. The guy hasn't had any meetups lately but I haven't wanted to go simply because I don't like the idea of being told how much I should pay as a donation.

Suggested Donation is an illusory term!

Ya Gotta Wonder Sometimes

Greetings all,

I had a friend post some article on facebook about how people's EI runs out and they still have no work.

That's what happened to me. My EI ran out in June and I didn't have a job until September and I had a few temp assignments in August so I was without income for 2 months.

I survived because I had savings. Mind you this was money I was going to use eventually for a down payment on a condo and I had lost some money because of this recession so this was a very traumatizing experience for me, especially since I am naturally a saver. So now I am focusing on rebuilding my savings but also on keeping my spending low so I can build up my savings again.

I think people need to realize that it's not up the government to take care of you and while they have a bad reputation and I think sometimes get too much flak, we the people have to take responsibility for our own lives. We complain if the government is doing too much regulating and messing in our lives but then when things go awry, we just blame them. Sometimes the blame is justified, other times it's not.

I think people need to reexamine how they spend their money and focus on saving it and that's not something the government can do for you. Sure maybe they can provide some incentives.

Security seems to be a myth these days so we have to create our own sense of security. If I didn't have my savings, I'd probably be freaking out more when I was out of work with no income (I could have asked for money from my parents but didn't want it to get to that point)

It's not realistic to live in the moment all the time. You have to think of your own future and plan to some degree and be prepared. There are setbacks in life and your best solution is to be prepared.

What Goes Around Sorta Comes Around

Greetings all,

I did my first stand up show 2 years ago back on February 4 at The Rivoli. I found out as well that for the show Last Comic Standing, they had open auditions at the Yuk Yuk's in downtown Toronto. This was on Valentine's day so I skipped work and made my way down there.

I didn't know what to expect but I managed to get interviewed by the host. I don't know if I made it to air, but I think I stood out from the crowd because I was wearing my Canadian olympic winter hat which has the Canadian Leaf around it. Some of the comics that got to go in were already booked space via their agency so the people waiting in line were essentially unpaid extras. I was there for half the day at least waiting in the cold. They were going to let 25 go through and get a spot for the show last night. We got to go in small groups to try our jokes. I heard in line they were looking more for characters, so the one guy in my group did a character and actually got to be in the 25 that got to performed.

I know Yuk's has this annual contest where they award the winner some money. I actually found out from someone they are doing warm up type shows so I'll actually get to perform for one of them on Valentine's day. This will be my first show at Yuk's as I've been getting my experience in independently run open mics. I've tried a few times to get a spot on Yuk's but to no success and now that my book group meets on Tuesday, I haven't really bothered trying again.

I don't know what to expect from this but it is sort of a moment of what goes around comes around.

I am not a Man Hater!

Greetings all,

I know lately I seem to be bitching about men. I was bitching at lunch at work earlier this week and was hissing at my male co-workers as a bunch of us usually go down to the underground food court to eat lunch (there is no lunch room in our building). Somehow we talked about men and I was frustrated in general about them.

I really don't hate men but gees louise sometimes I just don't get men and what they do. I just find their behaviour illogical at times!

Why can't men just behave the way you want them to or the way you think they should??!!

Yes I understand that you really can't control anyone and that people need to have their freedom respected.

Men, if you are frustrated by the women in your life, believe me you probably frustrate us as much and possibly more!

My Job

Greetings all,

I've actually been trained last week on doing something new for my job. I'm in administration for an international insurance company. I am now issuing and doing billing for this new customer group. I find though, this company doesn't train the employees properly and they need to be more stricter and having actual training guides. Since I've had so many jobs, I know and expect to be properly trained. Their style of training seems to be 'on the fly' and they need to do something about it because sometimes the trainee doesn't receive all the necessary details to do the job properly.

I was as well being trained by a new person who's only been at the company for a month. I've been there since September. While she has been as compentent as possible about how to handle this new group, it's really the job of the company to make our jobs as clear and simple as possible.

I don't think it was smart of them as well to be putting new people on this new group. It was messy enough to deal with but as well having to deal with learning new processes, it would have made more sense to have experienced people doing this and training us on something else.

I think that's what I find frustrating about this job. It has so many members but it seems so disorganized and frankly I think management needs to run a tighter ship! I've made a few errors on billing, simply because I wasn't properly trained and usually the mistakes result from a simple changing of some date in the system.

It angers me because then I feel stupid. I am a good worker and don't like making errors like this. And then it creates more problems down the line and in the end is an annoyance for customers. I know it's not my fault. It would be my fault if I was told and kept making the same mistake. It really is the responsibility of the employer to ensure people are properly trained and to know the processes.

Sometimes I wonder if I should quit my job and find something else and work for a company that is at least a bit more organized in training. I know not all companies are perfect but it makes me wonder.

The flip side is that I want to be a professional comedian so I don't want to be changing jobs all the time. But then, why should I stay at a place that gets annoying at times?

I hate suffering and frankly wonder, how much BS should one tolerate? When should one walk away? How do you know when to tough it out or leave?

Anyways, I'll see what happens in the next few months. It is a hassle after all to find a job and I'd rather focus on my comedy.

Ball-less men

Greetings all,

I feel like I'm pretty tough and that you just can't mess with me. Sure I may seem soft spoken at times but if I need to, I have no problem standing up for myself or for others.

I sometimes feel like I have more balls then most people, which is frustrating at times - because people would rather cower in fear than stand up for you or for themselves. People who are fearful like that and lack courage, are not to be trusted in my eyes.

But most of all, sometimes I feel like I have more balls then most men, which means I'll probably have a harder finding a good, strong, courageous, reliable man.

Oh well, I am sure they are out there somewhere!

I want a Boyfriend!

Greetings all,

I haven't had an official boyfriend in probably like 4 years. I was at the Dollar Store and they've got Valentine's stuff up already. I'm not desperate or anything but I'd like a boyfriend. They can be such fun to play with sometimes!

A Prized Possession

Greetings all,

I thought I'd talk about my favourite possession. This is an object that I bought that makes me happy that I bought it. I was actually quite reluctant to buy it. The reason being is that I don't like to accumulate too much stuff and having things that I don't use. I am definitely an anti-knick-knack person. My philosophy is if I can't use it and enjoy it, I have no use for it and will not buy it!

This object is a drinking glass, that I use strictly for water, since I am a habitual water drinker. This is what it looks like:


Now just to point out, that pill bottle on the left is my Vitamin D pills, I am not on any medication, contrary to public suggestion.

This is a glass that obviously shows my sign - Capricorn. I'm not really into horoscopes, I'm open to the possibility that there may be some truth to them but at my core, I am a skeptic - a skeptic of everything. This glass was something I was skeptical to buy.

I didn't want to be one of those flaky hippy type people who believe in horoscopes and actually own a possession related to horoscopes.

I am not sure exactly why I like this glass. The message on it reads:
Capricorns have a most endearing sense of humour, they have great insight and patience is one of their virtues.

Do I like the message of it? I think I do have insight and a sense of humour, but patience? I mean I know I am not patient. I want what I want when I want it! Maybe patience is a virtue I am being trained to learn by the universe.

The other good thing about this glass was the price. I bought it at the Dollar Store for a dollar. I wasn't sure if I wanted to buy it and make that investment. Yes I know in hind sight, it was only a dollar plus tax but I am one of those people that tends to save and usually if I buy something, I have to think about buying it (unless of course my parents are buying it, then I just think less!)

Now we will take a look at the other side of the glass, which features this lovely goat:


Now again, we see a different pill bottle in the background, but that is just my iron pills which my doctor told me to buy since I am on the low side of the normal range. I am not a drug addict!

The goat is nice and maybe has a bit of me in it. It looks like something you don't mess with as the head is slightly lowered and it is showing its horns. It's not a sissy goat and maybe that is why I like it. It's got some spunk, kinda like me.

Finally the text is in green, Capricorn being white and the goat is outlined in brown so overall I like the look of the glass since I find green to be a soothing colour.

Thanks Mom...

Greetings all,

Today I told my mom I planned to go to Peru and Brazil in 2010 for a vacation since I never got to go anywhere for vacation, being that I was out of work this year. I've been debating over to go to Peru or Brazil but then I decided I can do both. I really just want to see Manchu Picchu in Peru and then probably spend most of my time in Brazil. I have a major need to travel and explore and 2 weeks in those countries should satisfy my craving for travel.

She told me I want to do too many things. I try to keep active and busy (but within reason). I've mentioned a while ago that I'd like to get involved in a charity but she just complains that I want to do too much.

I'd rather go out and enjoy life then do whatever she does. Like knit or go to church or obsess about food.

Not my cup of tea!

So I asked what should I be focusing on then? And her response was to get married.

Wow, thanks for throwing that in my face. My mother is such a bitch!

Like I enjoy being single at 30! Of course I want to get married and have babies but I'm not going to sit at home and feel sorry for myself and make finding a husband my life's priority.

I've put myself out there and frankly I am taking a break from men. They just aren't worth the effort. I don't think I'll find anyone anyways. I've tried enough and maybe it's not in the cards for me so I might as well be happy and do whatever the fuck I want.

I know she's wanted me to get married, but her stating it should be my focus is just ridiculous!

Hate Moving

Greetings all,

I have read on some relationship forum for women and have heard other stories from men who were in relationships, how they would move in with someone quickly, like say after 3 months of dating.

Frankly, I hate the whole idea of moving and I can't even imagine rushing into something like that. I am thinking about if I should move out of my apartment, but it's such effort to find a place and then pack everything and then I'd have to hire movers, but I'd have to research them since the last ones I had were assholes.

I guess if you move in with the person you are dating, you don't worry about finding a place, but I know I like where I live, and I am fussy about where I live.

Anyways, I wonder why these people rush into relationships like that by moving in with someone that they have only known for 3 months. I know with my last ex-roommate, we didn't know each other, but that is a different scenario but I just can't fathom moving in with someone so quickly

Merry Christmas!

Greetings all,

I spent my Christmas in Hamilton and left work on the 24th at 2. We were supposed to stay until 3 but frankly I was getting fed up of work and took off. My boss already took off early too and it seems other people in other departments were so I don't think it was much of a big deal. I was sick with a cold all week so I was irritable as well and just wanted to get out of there and get ready for Hamilton.

My Christmas with family is usually boring. I did some kundalini yoga yesterday and took it easy. Today my mother and I went for a hike but first we went by the casino, near the falls and I ended up winning $200 after playing a couple of slot machines for about 5 minutes. I played a bit more and then we left to go for a hike. Sometimes I would hike first and then go to the casino but I felt that it was better to end on a positive note since sometimes when I went to the casino, I wouldn't win much. I felt as well going for a hike was a more 'spiritually' oriented activity and gambling 'sinful' so I would rather do the sinful act first and atone with something evolved.

They really are quite opposite environments. The casino being loud with all the noise, people being mindless, whereas Hilton Falls is more calm, inspiring.

Good Riddance 2009!

Greetings all,

I have made plans to go out for New Year's and hopefully will enjoy more then last year's (which was for 2009). I will be glad when this year is officially over. It has been the worst year of my life. And it didn't even start out well as I made plans for New Year's and ended up buying tickets for the wrong event. I was looking forward to New Year's this year and the event I was at was not as fun as I wanted it to be. Major letdown, but life goes on. It was full of older people. I tried to make the best of it but I think it was symbolic of how the rest of the year, every thing was falling apart.

Things were looking better for me in September. So 2/3s of the year were hellish and difficult but because the majority of the year was so bad, I feel it overides the rest of the year where things were better.

My year in a nutshell:
- dealing with a roommate who went psycho and made my life miserable for a month. followed by stalking me in my home for several days after she officially moved out (creepy!)
- dealing with a woman who ran a spiritual meetup but was a spiritual poser and had sent me negative energy. being that I was emotionally vulnerable, I was not as quick to discern that she had no spiritual authority, although she was rather arrogant and cocky that she did
- having some crazy woman try to steal my purse after I spent an afternoon job hunting at the library
- finding out my so called friend stole my wallet and said her 2 year daughter took it and used it to make a purchase at the grocery store. It took me a while to even decide to report this to the police but she had moved to PEI at this point so it was too late
- being unemployed for 8 months (not including the 4 months from last year) and having no money coming in for 3 months, thanks to this recession
- having feelings for someone whom I have known for a couple of years (long distance situation) and realizing that things weren't going to go anywhere, even though I thought this situation had some chance to work out and then deciding to end it (we were not officially a couple, which is what I wanted and that didn't seem to be happening) and officially deleting all my saved emails and my skype account
- having to deal with this all on my own, and wanting to kill myself because some days the pain was just too intense

All of this bullshit happened while I was unemployed. Life is stressful already when you are unemployed but this was just too much to deal with.

This whole year has shaken me and my ego and I am now trying to make something out of my life. This year was a blow to my ego and I am still licking the wounds. I need no patronizing and to be told to focus on the positive. The positive was just a drop in the ocean of misery I was in this year.

The good things that happened were:
- moving to Toronto. My apartment is not the greatest and I think my super is lazy and an ass but I like living in this city. There is always something to do
- finding a job. It's not my ideal job but it is paying my bills while I figure out what to do with my life
- joining an anthroposophical book group for young people where we are discussing Towards Social Renewal
- learning violin. I have gotten a new instructor, whom I think is probably better then the last so I should hopefully progress more

I have a lot of work ahead of me but I should hope next year things will get better. I hope this year will just be a year to forget and a distant memory.

Speed Dating

Greetings all,

I went on a speed dating event on Wednesday as it was free for me. It was free because I went to one of their other events and I guess they have me on their mailing list and someone cancelled so to keep the number of men and women as balanced as possible, they were giving away a couple of free spots.

I didn't get any matches. I must have said yes to 4 or 5 different men out of probably 20.

I've done speed dating twice and a speed hating event, which is really speed dating with a twist - you talk about what you hate.

I'm somewhat annoyed that with all 3 events, I never managed one match. I am trying not to take it personally but how the hell does that happen? Not even one match and I've done this 3 times??

Well I don't think speed dating is for me. I wonder what the success rate is. I feel it's hard to decide in 3 - 5 minutes if this person is right for you, but then again maybe really that is all it takes to formulate a decision. I would think in some cases, chemistry is instant but in others it can build over time.

Chemistry is definitely noticeable in the beginning and this time around this is what I focused on. I felt some attraction for the guys I said yes to.

here's an article that suggests it's a better form of dating
http://www.love-sessions.com/speed_dating.htm

I'm taking a hiatus from dating so I probably shouldn't have gone to this but they had appetizers and I wanted some free food. They had pizza and it was so good. I think the pizza was the best thing of the night. As well someone talked to me about books and he gave some good book suggestions

Review of Steve Harvey's Book "Act Like a Lady, Think like a Man"

Greetings all,

I was at the library and one of the books I took out was Steve Harvey's book "Act like a Lady, Think like a Man"

I got a couple of chapters into it and he talked about there are 3 ways men show love. The 2 I remember was protecting you and providing for you. I forgot the 3rd P.

He shares a story about how he was on a boat with some people and his wife was scuba diving. He did not go with her and he started freaking out and threatening those on the boat that she better be alive or they all have to save her.

I was thinking, he doesn't sound like he is protecting her, he sounds more like a control freak. The kicker for me was when he said that she was an adventurous girl and now doesn't do as much of the stuff she used to (like para sailing, etc)

I would think this is not demonstrating he is protecting her.

As well, this wife has probably lost an important piece of her personality as she has ended up sacrificing hobbies that made her happy - just to keep her man calm, when in reality he is the one that needs to deal with his issues. This is not the basis of a happy and emotionally balanced relationship.

I think this is sending a dangerous message to women - that it is okay to tolerate a control freak, who claims he is protecting you. That to me is showing that you are concerned about her safety and trying to protect her in healthy ways.

I would think if he were concern, he'd fret about making sure she was prepared with her oxygen tank, etc and ensuring she was properly certified.

Another example was that he shares a story of his dad threatening to kill the insurance man who was being rude to his wife. Threatening one's life is taking it to the extreme. I can understand speaking to him and telling him to stop harassing them but again that shows to me that this is an unhealthy form of protecting a woman.

Steve Harvey is condoning violence and that is not cool!
I would not want to be with a man who was a control freak. I'd rather be happy alone!
That is not love!

Towards Social Renewal

Greetings all,

I recently joined a new anthroposophical book group and we started meeting last week. I just found out about them as well last week in the Steiner Centre e-newsletter. The guy who hosts lives near where I live. When it warms up I potentially can walk as it's probably a 20 minute walk but since it's so damn dark so early, I'd feel safer driving.

The group is for young anthroposophists, although we have one guy who is 'old' but I think he knows some of the people in the group. There are some guys in my group, a few which are 'hotties'. There's about 5 or 6 guys and one other girl (not including me). It's a switch from my last book group which had mainly older women and one guy close to my age and one older man (everyone was pretty much over 40 when I joined).

I read the book for the first time probably when I was like 23 or 25 so it's been quite a long time. The biggest thing I remember was that the spheres of economy, politics (rights) and culture/spirit, had to be autonomous. I wonder what I'll get out of reading this book again.

Steiner wrote it after the first World War, so a lot I think has changed but I am sure the principles are still timely and relevant. I know lots of people are cynical about the way our society is but I think humanity is evolving and progressing, I just think it takes time and I think we sometimes don't look back to how far we have come.

I think it would be foolish to say there aren't things that need to be worked out, rights that need to be established, laws that need to be honoured, evil that needs to be dealt with.

I think in the past 1000 years there has been progress. People have various rights and have access to education and other resources. I think humanity is trying to work together to some degree.

Anyways, I think change is possible but I think it requires as Steiner talks about, social will.

I think humanity is evolving, although maybe not as smoothly as possible, but I think nevertheless, progress is being made. I know that might sound naive but I really feel it's possible, it just takes some time and effort.

Besides, most of the problems that are created, are really problems humanity has created for itself so I think as well that is why these things can be solved. Society is a human construct so if it's a mess we made, then surely it can be a mess we clean up.

How do You Stay Sane?

Greetings all,

I wonder how people in this world stay sane and emotionally centered and calm. I am very disciplined in my spiritual practice, although I don't talk about it to others.

I have done hatha yoga for 8 years, qigong for 3 and now have been doing kundalini yoga for over a year and a half. I also have experience working with sanskrit mantras for 4 years.

I also keep a journal to write down my fears, anger, frustrations, etc.

I often wonder, how does everyone else keep sane?

I think I'd be in a mental institute or massively fucked up if I didn't make use of these calming spiritual tools. This world seems mad for me and I shudder to think how stressed I would be if I didn't have access to this information that is readily available to people.

I'm sure people centre themselves in other ways but I wonder how effective it is in helping them to truly relax.

Is there something wrong with me?

Greetings all,

I think many people probably feel this way about themselves, i.e. that they feel like something is wrong with them. Today I was wondering if maybe what I really am feeling, is me becoming aware of some of my 'weaknesses' that I may not have wanted to acknowledge. I know that I do have some limitations and weaknesses and for the most part I accept them but maybe I'm becoming aware of other things. I guess we all possess strengths and weaknesses.

Being that I possess a raging ego, maybe this is sort of a process of humbling.

I feel that I am socially ackward too. Like people scare me. I think once I get used to seeing the same people, the fear dissipates.

I don't know if I've mentioned this already, but when I took my career exploration workshop back in August, we got to take the official Myers-Briggs personality test. I was an INTP. I got to keep the test and technically I am an INTJ as well since my J(judging) and P(perceiving) were tied and the way they structure the test is that P takes precedence if there is a tie.

My thinking and feeling were the ones with the most difference. My introvert (I) and extrovert were quite close as I probably have become more extroverted over the years. My score for thinking was 20 and my feeling was 4.

I wonder if this is why I feel like something is wrong with me. Maybe I am too strong of a thinker. A lot of things people do doesn't make sense to me. I guess maybe because I can be so logical, alot of emotional decisions people make just doesn't make sense to me.

I think this affects how I feel as a woman as well, because typically we women are the 'emotional' ones but I actually have a high ability to shut out my emotions, which I find can be an unhealthy thing so that is why I consciously try to talk about my feelings but it's not natural for me.

Sometimes when I am around women, I just can't relate to what they talk about. I don't really like shopping. I know actually I am not the only one as I mentioned to some other women and I know at least a few that aren't shoppers. I know women don't always talk about this stuff but sometimes they do and I just don't get it.

I am trying to increase my emotional intelligence but it is hard. I can just be very cold about situations simply because I look at them logically but I think as a thinker, I do care about being fair and compassionate.

I am in a very weird place in my life. I am almost done being 30 but I feel odd. I am no longer able to slack off in life, like in your 20s, you can get away with doddling but now it's crunch time, otherwise by the time I hit 40 I'll be messed up and unhappy.

I have read that Marriage is one of the big markers into adulthood. I wonder though if I would gain some 'credibility' as an adult if I were to get married. I also had this fear that I would settle but then I realized I probably wouldn't because it's just not in my nature to settle.

I don't have the 'career' thing going.

It is frustrating because I know of several people my age who have nice careers and are married with children. I still feel like a child, even though I am responsible at work and pay my bills. I get the freedom to do what I want. When am I going to start feeling like an adult?

I think these are my current neurotic thoughts and insecurities going on.

My Rapper Name

Greetings all,

I went to an event in Toronto called Hip Hop Karaoke on Friday night. It's a little different then regular karaoke because first of all, it focuses on hip hop songs and secondly it is like going to a concert with the singers as the performers.

There was a stage and people would dance in the crowd. There was not too many places to sit. The place was packed and it had the vibe of a concert. It was cool to be there. Also some people from NYC showed up because they do this in New York as well.

I decided that I needed to come up with a rapper name and so I came up with it last Saturday, in my car driving to Hamilton.

My rapper name is MC Cussalot. Because I cuss a lot. Bitch

(that is my tag line as well)

I rapped Maestro Fresh Wes' song Let Your Backbone Slide. I apparently did good and someone was telling me that he heard I 'destroyed' the house. I memorized that song a few years ago but with most rap songs, if you are going to perform them, it certainly helps to know the words.

They have this once a month so I think I would like to go back there again.

The Violinist

Greetings all,

I have been taking violin lessons starting I think in October. I'm renting my violin because I wanted to rent one out first to see if I liked the instrument. I actually enjoy playing it so I plan on actually buying myself one.

My instructor is 21 but has been playing it since 4. I think she went to a school for it. She is British as well. I am not sure if I like her though. She seems to be doing an okay job as an instructor but I wonder if she is too hung up on how her teachers were. For example, I got to learn a piece from the Suzuki book but she didn't want me to write down anything and she made notes on my book (with my permission). I personally learn better when I write things out and she didn't want me to get into the habit of writing out what each note is or how to play it. I think that I'm new to this so it would make sense to do it in the beginning and eventually I won't need to.

Also she doesn't seem to want to show me how to tune the top part of my violin because it's 'too difficult'. There are tuners on the bottom and they do the job fine. I don't know if others would agree that I don't really need to learn that but I'm one of those people that if I want to know something or have a question, I want answers or how to do it!

I could probably try another instructor but I am not sure.

She has said playing violin is one of the hardest instruments. Is she saying this because her teachers have told her it is? Because violin has to maintain this image of being hard because it's a classical instrument? I think playing the guitar is harder because I have experience playing it. I am doing well as a beginner and I think maybe that's because of my guitar experience. A violin has 2 less strings and it is more compact to play. One thing in the beginning I kept doing was overstretching my fingers but that's because that's how you have to play the guitar so I think my muscles are now learning a new set of skills.

The only thing tricky I find is that you have to be precise in violin and where you are to put your fingers, is not clearly identified as in a guitar (by the frets)

I don't think violin uses chords so that's another reason why I think it's easier to learn. I am enjoying it though and find it soothing to play.

Just Can't Shake It

Greetings all,

Well I haven't seen my ex roommate since February. That was almost 9 months ago but I still think about her. I told my bookgroup peeps my situation several months ago and one of them said that he was in a similar situation where someone was quite hurtful to him and it took months to shake off the hurtful comments.

I guess I was aware of some level she was a bitch but she was an emotional whack job and needs some counselling. I was at a gaming store and saw the gaming systems and I was reminded that she wouldn't even let me play with her Wii. She just kept it for herself. What kind of selfish person behaves that way?

The thing though is my big thing was being able to pay rent on time. She was good at that so I guess I didn't care so much about other things like sharing the Wii or what not. I guess I could tolerate some of her drama queen behaviour because in my mind I already decided that I really didn't like her much.

I guess this was a learning experience. Although I wanted a roommate and got one, this one was not the kind I liked. I wonder if I'll ever be able to trust living with someone again. I know it'll take me a while to even consider moving in with someone or getting a roommate. I hate the hassle of searching for one if it doesn't work out.

Materialistic Thinking at its Finest!

Greetings all,

I was in a meditation group and the organizer briefly showed the group a book by Masaru Emoto. I am not sure which one exactly it was but I was already familiar with his concepts and was initially exposed to it via the pseudo-science/cult film 'What the Bleep Do We Know'.

I took out a couple of books from the library since as I was flipping through, one section looked worthy of my attention. I took out 'The Healing Power of Water' and 'The Secret Life of Water'. I flipped through the books and looked at the pretty pictures and then I realized, that its not water that is healing. Water is merely the medium. It is thinking that is the true healer.

Again, we encounter gross materialistic thinking at its finest.

Here we have these 'spiritualists' who now seem to think of water as this miraculous and wonderous thing (hey I drink water all the time, it's great but there is a very serious error in thinking here) when in reality, it is our Intention and what we Think that is causing these effects.

Again, this just reaffirms to me the Anthroposophical concept of Clear Thinking and Clear Thinking is so lacking in today's intellectual and spiritual groups.

One of the Errors in Feminist Thinking

Greetings all,

I started to read a book called At the Root of this Longing: Reconciling a Spiritual Hunger and a Feminist Thirst by Carol Flinders. Basically it is about feminism and spirituality and is about how "many feminists have been skeptical about traditional spirituality, and their mistrust has not been entirely unfounded. The forms of self-sacrifice often required by the spiritual life--including silence and suppression of desire--are conditions that have been imposed on women for centuries." (amazon.ca)

I have a hard time with this very concept of Feminism. First of all, I read an interesting book that talks about how having a Patriarchal society, is not only detrimental to women, but also to men. Men and Women both have feminine and masculine qualities and it is unhealthy for both to deny these qualities.

Anyways, I think the fundamental error in Feminist thinking is they can only see themselves as the victim and fail to see many people in this world are suffering. True it does not justify the wrongs that have been and are still being done to women. Women still have more bullshit to deal with as we continue to evolve. Hell, in the Middle East, women still aren't receiving rights that they should be.

There are other groups that experience suffering. For example, the Proletariat versus the Bourgeois. People complain endlessly how the Worker suffers but the Capitalists have their own issues to deal with but we just take one side.

Or the Natives. Being that today is Thanksgiving, we can argue that we basically stole their land and raped them of their culture but many leave their reserves and enjoy the materialism and perks of today's society.

Or the Blacks. They suffered and have a history of being slaves.

There are many groups and people that suffer every day in this world. I have only listed a few, there are still more. I just find Feminist thinking fails to see the big picture - they are just one group of the many groups that have to deal with suffering and not being treated equally.

What good though does it do to point out these injustices? It's good to acknowledge the wrong and to move forward but to keep pointing out how women have been victimized over the past thousands of years doesn't help us. Instead we need to focus on how far society has progressed and what areas need to be improved.

I think it boils down to Forgiveness. Holding on to the hurt and injustices done only hurts the Holder. People do need to deal with their pain and to eventually rise to that level and recognize that people hurt out of ignorance and egoism. Accepting the injustice certainly does not justify it and take away from the wrongness. Rather we can move forward and start creating laws, etc and doing something about the occurences.

Humanity didn't start out all evolved and all knowing and slowly we as a species are learning to be a little more nicer but realistically we still have a lot of evolving to do.

Again, part of what I find is the fundamental flaw is failing to see that everyone suffers to some degree. According to Buddha, life is suffering. Her whole argument has no validity. If feminists are skeptical about spirituality, maybe it's because they only want to believe that they are the ones that have experienced suffering. Isn't typically typical of victims to only see their own suffering and not that of those around them?

Although I agree with the point that women have been made to be silenced, the reality is no one likes to hear the Truth sometimes and it doesn't matter who says it. I watched someone on The Jon Stewart Show call him a Communist - just because they didn't like his opinions. Clearly women aren't the only ones that piss people off.

Life is painful but it can also be beautiful.
But that's life.

The Elder

Greetings all,

My job is pretty boring. Entry level office. I'm glad though, that I have a job because I was out of work for so long. I'm still figuring out what direction I want to go with my life. Being that I am a deep thinker and all, these things tend to take me a while to figure out.

I started my job with 2 other people at the same time. One of them is 26 and quite extroverted and outgoing and warm. The other is 22 and is fresh out of school. The later is a bit annoying but I am making the conscious decision to step back and make fun of the situation.

I find that she has no concept of the work world and she was complaining a bit about how stupid our job is and how a 7 year old could do our work. True, our work is easy but it's a job and it has to be done. I know when I was 22, I didn't like the jobs I had but I didn't complain about them. I mean, I couldn't figure out what to do with my life so really I had no one else to blame.

A funny thing she said the other day was how in school at least she could nap. I think these youngins' just don't get that school only prepares you to some degree about 'the real world' and that to be in school is a luxury.

And sadly doesn't teach you the harsh realities of work. The 9-5 world. The dealing with egos. The dealing with bosses. The dealing with doing repetitive tasks.

I honestly wonder why the hell did she apply to this job?

I guess I am seeing some expectation mentality in her.

Today we were having lunch with a guy who sits in between us. I am starting to crush on him - mainly because he has curly hair and I find curly hair drives me wild. We started to discuss about colds and how going out with wet hair can make you sick. Me and Curly Hair boy both agreed that it doesn't make you sick but the Youngin was insistent on being right and that it compromises your immunity. But really you'd have to be exposed to it for a long time for it to really make you sick and most people aren't outside long enough to make you sick.

I argued though that neither of us are doctors so really none of us can be sure but she seemed rather insistent on her position.

I have read that that is a myth and that most colds can be prevented simply by hand washing. She just couldn't accept that I was right and I was comfortable enough with my self where it didn't bother me.

I think I'll enjoy pushing her buttons because now I am starting to see that instead of getting mad at how annoying she can be, maybe I should push her buttons and laugh at her own youthful foolishness.

The thing though is I see a bit of me in her but I still think I will try and push her buttons. Afterall, it seems fairly easy.

When is it My Turn?

Greetings all,

I've been fairly busy with work and doing things around the city. I had to go to a baby shower yesterday for a relative and there were 5 other women pregnant as well.

I told my mother on the way home that I feel like I'm being left behind. All these people who are my age or younger are getting married and having babies. I wonder when am I going to find the right man and have my own?

It gets frustrating but I can't really do much about it so I am just enjoying life.

I had a potluck with the book group back in Dundas that I used to regularly attended. Someone in the group, their mother didn't get married and start having kids until 40 and someone in my group as well had been married again and had her first kids in her 40s.

I really don't want to be that 'old' to start having kids and finding the right man but do I really have any choice? I can't force things in life and it's not like I'm not going out and trying dating.

Again I keep coming back to this idea of relaxing and enjoying life.

Considering that I like to plan things and be in control, this relaxing stuff and waiting is just bullshit!