Miscellaneous Stuff

Greetings and Salutations,

I bought some plants for my place. There are a few more that I will buy. I want to put a couple more in my kitchen and probably 1 or 2 in my bedroom. I read that at night plants take in oxygen and release carbon dioxide but in order for it to be bad for humans, there has to be pounds and pounds of plants for it to be equivalent to how much oxygen a human consumes. Some Feng Shui sites suggest not to have plants in your bedroom but I'm not really into feng shui.

I think I will put a plant or two in my bedroom. It can't be that bad.

I got plants because I read this book called How To Grow Fresh Air and it shows the top 50 houseplants that are good for removing various chemicals that are commonly found indoors such as formaldehyde, ammonia and other chemicals. NASA had used plants to create a livable environment in space.

I'm not really a plant person but I find plants have a certain energy that I like. They are life forms even though it may not seem like it because they are so quiet.

* * *
I plan on having an apartment warming party. I haven't had a party since I was in elementary school for my birthday. I think my last party was in grade 6. I only invited 6-7 kids. I don't know why I didn't invite more but I guess maybe my mother didn't want too many kids over. I invited the most popular girl in my class and she bought me a curling iron. I never used it.

I hope that I have a good turnout. I invited friends from my various social groups. Friends from improv, my book group, work and my miscellaneous friends. I want to see them all merge as part of some social science experiment.

* * *
I'm having problems with my Cogeco bill. Cogeco is a company that provides internet. I had internet installed right away at my place because I wanted a digital phone. When the tech installed the internet, I gave him a cheque that covered the internet for a month and its installation. I was told to do this when I placed my order.

I received my bill about 1.5-2 weeks ago and saw that it didn't show that my cheque was received. I checked my bank account and saw that the money was withdrawn back in August. I called them up Monday and apparently they never received it. The cheque had my old address on it so they checked to see if the money went to my parent's account. It did not. I was notified that I was to contact my bank so they could track it. I will have to call on Friday as it takes a few days to do.

I don't think the tech stole the money since I wrote the cheque to Cogeco. I figure there must have been some mistake in their billing department. I think I will try to get a free month or 2 of internet for my trouble. I might as well benefit from these incompetent jerks' errors.

The Harsh Reality of Singledom

Greetings and Salutations,

In this post I will be discussing singledom and its harsh reality.
I have for the most part of my life been single. I have had a couple of relationships that were over 8 months. One being for over a year I think. It was my first relationship and probably my worst!

Most times I date someone and it lasts for 3-4 months.

Many people seem to think that being single is great or they will tell me how important it is to be able to be by yourself.

Let me tell you it's not fun. It's not fun to always look to yourself to figure out things. It's not fun to go to social events by yourself. It's not fun during Valentine's Day. It's not fun when you're always surrounded by people who are in relationships. It's not fun knowing that you essentially are facing this life alone.

Let me also tell you that I think it's not fair that someone like me has endured years of suffering as a single person. I am proactive in my dating life but no one I find is compatible for my personality. I don't think it's fair that people younger then me find someone and are happy. I don't think it's fair that some of my older friends have found each other in their early 20s and they are still happily married.

I think this whole being single is good for you because you get to learn to be alone is a myth. I can have my solitude and still have someone. I don't need to be alone to figure out who I am.

I don't mean anything. I'm not loved. I'm not important in anyone's life. I'm nothing.
Love from my mother or my friends doesn't count. The love you get from someone when you are in a relationship is unique and I don't have it.

I usually like to be optimistic but I'm forced to accept that I perhaps will be a spinster and that if I haven't found someone by now, I may never. I'll always be this amazing people who never found someone.

My Experience with Ortho C Lenses - Part 2

Greetings and Salutations,

I have been wearing my ortho c lenses for a few minutes a day up to 4 or 5 times a week. I thought these lenses were supposed to improve my vision to -4, however I was to wear them to help retain and stabilize my 2 diopter improvement.

I went yesterday for a new lens. I was only given one for my left eye. Apparently getting a new lens helps to improve both eyes. I thought that was strange but it does make sense since your eyes work together.

I did improve one line (based on the Snellan chart) and I will be receiving a prescription for -4.5 this week. It's not much of a change but at least it is something.

A Flurry of Anger

Greetings and Salutations,

This week I have noticed an unusual amount of anger from people. It all started Sunday at my company soccer game. Where I work, there are different offices. One is in Mississauga, another in Windsor and one here in Burlington. We had a soccer game this Sunday against the Mississauga folks. We didn't have a ref and this probably was where it started to go wrong. The other team was taking this game way too seriously and they were constantly making calls against our team such as the goalie was too far out of his crease or that we were offside. This eventually caused a meltdown that involved uncalled for shoving that potentially could have lead to an actual fist fit had some people not attempted to stop this. It was decided to take a time out. The President of the company showed up at this point.

On Tuesday I went to the grocery store to purchase various items. I was nearly done and was in the bread section when I heard some woman yelling at these women. From my understanding it sounded like these women bumped into this woman and this woman didn't think their apology was enough. I think the women that bumped into this women were Muslims as well.

Another incident of anger occurred on Thursday at my office. Someone forwarded some email that showed how the people in the middle east had created their own winter wonderland. The caption, which I guess was created to incite anger in the viewer, was stating that this is how they are using the money that is generated from the rate increase in oil. The person who forwarded this email said in this email, "Fuck Arabs".

The final incident of anger I experienced in my apartment this morning. It was coming from down the hall. At first I thought it was either one of those yapper dogs yelping or some human having a freakout. It turns out it was a woman having a freakout. I heard words along the lines of "How could you bring her in...". I am guessing perhaps she caught her man cheating on her. I really can't say for sure but having someone have an emotional freak out like this just made me rather uncomfortable.

I really don't know what is going on with people this week. It seems like there is an unusual flurry of anger going on. You know there is this popular belief that Canadians are polite, but as a Canadian, there are many rude and ignorant Canadians. I choose to debunk this myth of Canadians being polite. We are just as fucked up and ignorant as anyone else. Away with this squeaky clean image! This week has showed me how emotionally immature people can be.

Wonderings

Greetings and Salutations,

At my current employer, there are various departments that have moved and my department is one of them. We moved from the office to another location that is about a 5 minute drive. My small department did not particularly care for this move. We routinely go out for breaks together and we began chatting up with a couple of guys from the old office. One person in our department, a lesbian, has an ex girlfriend that is working in the same building that we just moved into. We had found out some guys were attempting to hit on our co worker's ex (which they didn't know was her ex or that she was a lesbian).

So this topic that is not about me, leads me back to me. My dilemma is this. Why is a lesbian getting hit on more then I am, an attractive single woman? I have to be honest with you beloved audience but the truth is I don't get hit on very much. This question has plagued me for years. Why do I not get approached very often? The best answer I could come up with is that I am probably so attractive and intimidating. I know that despite the fact that I am brimming with confidence, I am just one of many in the sea of sexy.

But let's be honest, I really don't like to think I'm intimidating. I have my fears and insecurities that come and go just like everyone else.

If I reflect upon my body language and my personality, I think I probably come off as either aloof or as someone who doesn't take bullshit. And perhaps this is what the male species finds intimidating about a personality such as myself. This issue perhaps may never be solved. The fact remains that the male species are a simple lot and the female brain is best not suited to analyze.

Living on My Own

Greetings and Salutations,

I have officially moved into my new apartment on Friday night. I had my Last Supper with my parents and slept over in my new place. I used to have a desk but I got all new furniture and now I don't have a desk. At least not yet. In my previous desk, I had 4 drawers where I kept things such as my financial information, random papers, markers, old health cards and drivers licenses, my firearms handbook and my underwear.

For years I never questioned why I put my underwear and socks in my desk drawer because I did have a mirror dresser, but I believe a year or two ago I wondered why I would put those intimates in such a none intimate object of furniture.

So now that I don't have a desk, I am forced to put my financial information, random papers, markers, old health cards and drivers licenses, my firearms handbook and my underwear in either my dresser or mirror dresser.

* * *
I went out on Saturday by myself to Ikea and purchased a bookshelf. It's large and I managed to only fill half of it with stuff. I had difficulty getting the bookshelf into the car and I had to place it diagonally. I also had to lay flat the passenger seat and also I had to pull the driver's seat all the way up. It was not easy driving back home with the steering wheel practically right up my nose but luckily I am only a 5 minute drive.

Also nobody from Ikea was helping me to load these heavy and long boxes.
Thanks Ikea!

It took me several hours to assemble it and I had to do the backing but since I had no hammer, I decided to stop at that point and I thought perhaps my father would help me. I had placed the backing on the shelf and I noticed how the backing fit nicely on the one side of the shelf but the second piece was not. I figured this was just the way Ikea designed the bookshelf. Afterall it's Ikea and it was made in Poland. I also thought it would have been so much simpler if I had bought the wood myself, cut it and screwed them together. I find assembling Ikea is too complicated. I must have been assembling this for at least 6 hours.

So the next day my parents came over and my dad nailed the backing to the shelf and when we stood it up, we noticed that the holes on the one side of the shelf weren't lining up properly. It turns out that I had placed the one piece backwards. I was rather pissed and went to my balcony to gather my thoughts, thoughts such as "Fuck you Ikea" and "Fuck you fucken Ikea" and my favourite "Cocksucking Ikea".

I went back in and we took out some of the nails from the backing and underscrewed the bottom and shelves. It was rather difficult to get the piece out and it was also difficult getting it back in but after much yelling between my parents, it managed to get successfully put back together.

My Experience with Ortho C Lenses - Part 1

Greeting and Salutations,

I have been interested in improving my vision for several years now. I have researched lasik and ortho k but neither appealed to me. I had stumbled to a web site that offers an alternative to the above methods. The web site is called Reversing Nearsightedness. The person who created this technique is John William Yee and he calls this methodology Orthoculogy or ortho c for short. It is a natural form of eye therapy. I had purchased his book and I actually got to order my lens through him. He is located in Toronto.

Ortho C are semi hard contact lenses that you wear a few times a week for under 15 minutes. The book outlines the specifications for the lenses. They are also plain lenses in that they have no prescription.

Two weeks ago I went for my fitting and this Sunday (July 29) I went to pick them up and I got to try them. I only wore them for about 2 minutes. He first made me wear them on one eye at a time and then I got to wear them on both eyes. The lenses made me tear up but he did tell me that that would go away after wearing them a few times.

After wearing them individually on each eye, he checked my acuity. I got to rest my eyes for a few minutes and then I got to wear them on both eyes together for a few minutes. He had me look outside and scan various images. I looked at objects nearby and far away and kept shifting and moving my eyes at the various distant objects.

He tested my visual acuity again with the eye chart and I noticed that there was an improvement. My myopia is moderately high and so with the first time looking at the eye chart, it looked quite blurry. After my second time wearing them, the blur noticibly improved.

My prescription is -8.5 in my right eye and -8 in my left eye. After those few minutes of wearing these lenses, my vision now is -6.

I chose to start using contact lenses because I will now need to start wearing a weaker prescription and since my prescription will change frequently, it is easier to get new contacts rather then keep going to get my glasses changed. It felt weird to be wearing contacts again because I used to wear way back when I was in high school.

Mr. Yee has used these Ortho C lenses on the Toronto Police Department to help them pass the visual acuity test.

I will be receiving today or tomorrow a prescription for -4.75 so I look forward to wearing the lenses again once I receive this new prescription.

Moving on Up

Greetings and Salutations,

I am officially moving out of the parent's house. I have a 2 bedroom apartment in the Burlington area. I have essentially lived in the same house for 28 years with a 4 month stint living on my own in Yellowknife. I'm looking forward to moving out. There was a moment that I thought how I will miss my parents but that moment quickly faded away as I began to think about how this is a significant moment for me as an aspiring adult.

I went furniture shopping yesterday and during the week I went out with my mom a couple of times to get stuff for the kitchen like glasses and pots and pans. I had agreed with my parents earlier that they would get me a mattress and new bed for when I moved out. They now want to spend more and get more things for me. We went shopping yesterday for furniture. I ended up picking out a leather sofa and chair, a kitchen table that matches the sofa set, a memory foam mattress and a bedroom set. I had to argue with my dad that I wanted to pay for my bedroom set because I didn't want them to pay for everything.

The whole point of moving out is to be independent. I don't mind if they get me some stuff as a gift but my dad was insistent on buying me more things. He said I should buy the tv and dvd set as well. I wanted to wait for that stuff since I wasn't planning on getting cable right away as I do not watch much tv. My parents were willing to spend $10,000 on stuff for me and I told them that I don't even expect to spend half that. I have to buy my own stuff. My dad thinks I'm being stubborn but it just is too weird if they buy everything for me.

I now have to find a roommate. I am showing my place to someone tomorrow. I am a bit concerned. I don't expect to find someone until September and the worst case would be finding someone for October. I want a female roommate because if I get a male roommate, I would be tempted to get one that is attractive and then I'll want to bang him. If I were sharing a place with more then 2 people then I wouldn't mind a male because then my libido would be diluted but if it's just me and a guy... I most likely want to bang him or at least think about banging him.

Slightly drifting into adulthood

Greetings and Salutations loyal readers,

It is a beautiful breezy day today. Normally it is humid.

I am planning to finally move out of my parent's house. I have looked at some places and found one that I like. I have one more that I need to view before I make my decision. I will either be out in August or September. My parents are driving me nuts. They don't bother me much. I usually come and go as I please. Maybe when I was a few years younger my mother would ask me the next day where was I if I stayed out late but I usually reply that I was out. Yeah Mom do you really want to know that I was late having sex with my 'special friend'. I do have a social filter!

It's time to fly the coop.
* * *
As an improvisor and one that is involved in being funny, there are periods in my life where I don't feel funny at all. I feel like I have lost all ability to make jokes. I think it's part of the creative process for me to lose all interest in comedy. It's also pretty tough when a portion of your self identity is linked to traits such as being funny and intelligent and then finding that these traits are just not there. It brings forth questions about my self identity and involves me assessing my self and my concepts.

I do believe breaks are necessary but it's just weird.

Another one of my favourite activities that I had lost motivation for was that of sexual intercourse. It has been a month but I feel my libido returning.

Happy Canada Day

Today is Canada Day.

Canada is celebrating 140 years of independence.
It's a time to get drunk,
A time to go fishing.
A time for friends.
A time to get yourself knocked up... come on think about how many April babies there are!

Go Canada Go!

Boredom Rant

Greetings and Salutations,

I'm going to be complaining in this post. I generally do not like to complain but I feel that this is something I must express.

I'm am becoming increasingly bored with my life. I take responsibility for my life and I do not blame anyone. I'm so bored with my job. I'm tired of where I am and I want more out of my life. I'm tired of my menial jobs and I want to do something else but I am just not sure. I'm keeping my options open. I could go back to school but I just don't know what to do. I also have been thinking of doing stand up comedy again but I just don't know if that's right. I have been thinking about how can I incorporate improv into stand up. I think it's been done.

I'm just a barrel of confusion.
I'm bored.
Bored fucking bored.

I can't go on like this.
I must break out but sometimes I just don't know if I can.

More lessons learned from my vacation

Greetings and Salutations,

I have never really understood why people drink. It was always something that never made sense to me. It seemed self destructive. And now I finally understand why people drink. I have become enlightened to the virtues of alcohol consumption.

Greetings and Salutations,

I have returned from my vacation in Vancouver. I had moments where I was stuck by the simple acts of kindness of people towards me. Some girl in my hostel who helped me with bringing my luggage to my room which also was the same room she was in (it had 16 beds) as I had 2 suitcases (one was camping gear and the other being my clothes, toiletries, etc) and it was difficult carrying both. In the second hostel I stayed in, some guy bringing up my luggage up a flight of stairs. Some woman encouraging me and offering me advice while I was doing the Grouse Grind (i.e. climbing the Grouse mountain).

For me I have spent most of my life in great fear of people who I meet and I have spent many years breaking down my walls and becoming more confident in myself. I am greatly saddened that there are still people who are mean in this world. It doesn't make sense to me but it gives me some hope to see people showing some kindness to others.

Threat

Greetings and Salutations mon amies,

I am currently vacationing in Vancouver. I am exhausted because I went from my hostel on Jericho Beach all the way to Stanley Park and then I circled the entire perimeter of Stanley Park. I don't cycle and when I had to go up a mini hill or up the bridge, I would walk up with my bike since it was taking up too much of my energy. I'm in shape, but not in shape to cycle well.

I went to Vancouver Island on Monday morning and took the ferry. I went to Nanaimo and Tofino. I arrived in Tofino on Monday night and I stayed at a small hostel. Our host said it was karoke night and we all went to the pub where they were having it. Usually when I meet people for the first time, I am polite and quiet and I appear reserved. However, as someone who performs, I do have the capacity to be outgoing and out there. I sang 3 songs and my first was Baby Got Back. The crowd was a young fun crowd and there was a mini dance floor. After I was done, everyone was telling me how awesome I was and one cute guy who was staying at my hostel from Finland said it was the best karoke performance he ever saw. I was dancing while I was singing and the hostel host and a guest came up and danced along side me.

All right enough about me talking about how awesome and surprised they were by me as I appeared to be that shy, quiet girl. I don't know why I get quiet and shy when I meet people for the first time but it never made sense to me to be out there. I wish I was more outgoing but my shy demeanor does not keep me from going after the things I want.

The host seemed smitten with me and intrigued by my dual nature of shy and outgoing persona. As much as I love getting complimented, I reach a point where I feel it's enough. I don't think much of my karaoke as it is just karaoke.

So on Tuesday I had surfing lessons for 2 hours and practiced on my own for a bit. It was quite challenging but I did not manage to stand on the board. My arms and pec muscles are so sore. I think I will look into surfing in Ontario. I'm thinking there might be some pool that generates waves that let's one practice surfing.

I drove back to Nanaimo and waited for 30 minutes for the next ferry to Vancouver. There was a delay in the arrival. The ferry's speed slowed down and the captain or the captain's bitch (i.e. the second in command) announced that there was a situation which was why we were slowing down. The captain's bitch announced again another 10 minutes that there was a situation. Then the captain come on a few minutes later to announce that there was a bomb threat on Horsebay (i.e. where the ferry docks). I was calm at first but then I started thinking about how I didn't want to die yet. Most of the time I thought things would be fine but every once in a while I thought about that movie Titanic. This was only my second time on the ferry. A ferry newbie such as myself shouldn't be subjected to this.

I think perhaps this was a false alarm and we all arrived safely.

Not Much to Say

Greetings and Salutations,

I think I have reached the pinnacle of my self expression. I have not much to say in the world, to the world.

It's all bullshit and I wonder if my expressing myself just makes the world a more confusing place to live.

Everyone lies to some degree, whether to a partner or to themselves.
Everyone has some degree of selfishness, whether they are aware of it or not.
Everyone has some degree of negativity that skews their perception of events.

* * *
I don't know if I need to be more confrontational with people. I think due to my belief in non violence, it has led me to become weak. There are people out there I should beat up but I don't because I don't believe in violence. I don't want to get involved in drama. I only speak up when I feel necessary but I generally don't fight as much. I don't need to be dragged down by people's low emotional intelligence and their inability to deal with their internal strife.

I don't think I am complacent but sometimes I think maybe people need to see someone get angry at them. We are such a permissive society. Some people probably need to hear that they are acting like an asshole or a whore or too selfish. Sometimes we all need a stern warning about our behaviour.

Unamused

Greetings and Salutations,

I have regretably joined Facebook even though I did say that I would consider joining 6 months from now (I said this probably last month). Have I succumbed to social pressure or curiosity? Most likely curiosity. I am not impressed with this. The initial adrenlin rush of adding friends to my list is dissipating. As a pragmatist, I see very little use in how this tool would be useful in my life.

I did find my ex best friend whom I 'dumped' about 8 years ago because I felt our friendship was going weird. I have heard from her. If I were to rekindle a lost friendship, that one might be the one I think has some hope.

A friend from high school had several other people from high school on her list. Many of these people I didn't care for and I although I do not harbour resentment, I do not care to add them to my friends list. The reality of life is that we will encounter all these people and only a few we find some connection.
I looked at the friends list of several other people and they had over 500. I could not imagine having that many friends. Although I tend to get along with most people, I find it very difficult to have a geniune connection with most people. Why? I don't know. I know that I am different from people but I don't think I'm so unique that I can't relate to people.

Actually I don't think it's difficult for me to have a genuine connection with people. I think for many people, they have difficulty being open and honest with others because they are not open and honest with themselves.

I have also noticed many of the women under 30 use pictures of themselves with their wedding dress on. I wonder if it's because a)this is the only good picture of themself that they have available b)it's the most recent photo they have or c)because their identity is largely tied up with the idea that getting married is a sign one has made it.

I believe the answer is c. I believe for many of these young women, their self concept is largely defined by the fact that they now have someone and they place such value on marriage.

I am sure for some Facebook has been useful in their life. Facebook your time is ticking.

* * *
Many of my readers may not know this however I plan on taking a vacation to Vancouver this year from June 1-10. So if you are attracted to me, that would be a good time to 'accidently' run into me in Vancouver and you can profess your love for me and how amazing you think I am.

Yes this is one of my personal fantasies. A really tiny portion of my soul - probably .07% believes that some guy I know secretly harbours feelings for me but is too afraid to tell me in fear that I will break his heart by telling him I'm not interested. The odds of me telling a guy I am not interested and breaking his heart is quite high.

But the point is that I still harbour this fantasy of a guy I know harbouring feelings and then expressing them. It's not really the breaking his heart part that is my fantasy.

Anyways, I plan on white river rafting for 3 days. I really want to do that and everything else after that will be icing on the cake.

Help End the Tiger Trade

Greetings and Salutations fellow e-friends,

I received an email from the WWF (world wildlife fed, not the wrestling organization) that has some petition to sign for helping the tigers. Also, you can upload your picture to be apart of a tiger mosaic. If this petition idea appeals to you, please forward the link to your friends. Here's a blurb from my email:

"The tiger is one of the most revered, feared and popular species on Earth. Yet it is perhaps the most powerful symbol for all of our planet's endangered wildlife.
Fewer than 5,000 tigers are now found in the wild and in just 7% of the habitat they once occupied. But it gets worse... a thriving black market for tiger skins and bones threatens to wipe out wild tigers altogether.

We need your help to create the world's largest photo mosaic of this endangered species and help put an end to the tiger trade."

You can help by clicking here

An announcement

Greetings and Salutations,

I have decided to make a change of vast consequence. I have decided to renounce my nerdiness. I am sorry that I have to leave behind the nerd community of which impacted me greatly and which I have impacted as well with my love of all things accurate.
I have decided to leave my nerdy ways to pursue the path of divadom. I now consider myself a diva.

My transformation into divaness begins with the renunication of my past - that of nerdiness and high intellect. I am bringing with me to this divafication process, my committment and dedication. My transition from nerd to diva will be a gradual process but being a diva is my true calling in life.

I bid the international nerd community adieu and I say bonjour to the diva community.

I would like to thank the diva community for accepting me and who will play a pivotal role in my divafication process.

Product Review

Greetings and Salutations,

Today, as I sit here in my underwear, I will write a review about an allergy product that I have been using that I believe has been useful. Since 2003 in May I began experiencing allergies that would appear in the spring and fall. I later got tested and the test did not reveal what I was allergic to. I've tried various antihistamines and they don't seem to be strong enough and I find them to be costly.

I discovered this allergy medicine entitled Nasaleze which is manufactured by Vivitas, and their site is vivitas.com. It is a powder that you spray into your nose. Usually one spray in each nostril should be good for the day. Certain days my allergies were really bad and I probably sprayed up to 6 times total. The max dosage is 8 sprays. On my worst days, I found the Nasaleze to be 80-90% effective.

It claims to be a natural product and uses cellulose. It acts as a mucous like lining that filters out pollen and dust.

The powder does become a bit hardened when it interacts with the mucous. My only complaint with this product is that because the powder hardens a bit, it feels like there is booger in your nostril.

The product says it contains 200 doses which they claim is good for 30 days, however, I have had this for more then 30 days and I think most people would not use the full dosage to get positive results.

Overall if you suffer allergies, I recommed using this product.

We also do not use both nostrils when breathing. We use only one nostril and then it periodically switches.

Here Comes the Quadratic Equation

Greetings and Salutations,

There was this article in the paper that featured the picture of the Google founders. They are only 6 years my senior and I found one of them particularly cute - Sergei Brin. The other guy, Larry Page was cute but more geeky cute. I don't know what their marital status is, however, I would be interested in dating Mr. Brin. He's a math and science guy so he would sure be interesting to be nerdy with.

I declare that I would like to be...
Mrs. Google

All About Me

Greetings and Salutations,

This post will not be about me talking about Easter and what it signifies to the millions of Christians around the world. Easter isn't just about Jesus resurrecting after he died. It represents hope that good will prevail over evil. It represents renewal and the opportunity for those who have made mistakes to make things right.

No this post isn't about this holiday, it is like many of my other posts. This post will be about me.

I purchased a couple of dvds from the Wild Goose qigong series a few weeks ago. I thought they would be the last 2 that I buy but I discovered that there was one more available. It was the instructor's first video and it was originally in video format but became reformatted to dvd. He has 2 sites, one that features his dvds and the other has some qigong articles and his upcoming workshops. That site also has a link for qigong dvds. So the main site actually didn't actually feature this video. So I ended up buying it this week. I could have saved on shipping but oh well!

One has volume 3 and the other volume 9. I pretty much know the form of volume 9 and I went over volume 3 a few times but don't actually have the whole routine memorized.
I also starting practising this other form yesterday entitled Liu He Ba Fa which is an internal martial art but doesn't fall under the qigong category. It is known as water boxing. The form is 9 minutes long but there is a lot of arm movements and leg movements and the direction is shifting frequently.

The form has 66 forms and in the dvd, it doesn't show the individual forms in a continuous fashion. You have to select that you want to view the form if that is what you want. It is rather aggravating and so I figure I might as well learn from the full routine version, which is shown in 3 different angles. I have the slow motion function so that will help me out as well.
This form looks rather complicated but I figure it will be a form that I study on an intermittent basis.

I also ordered another dvd entitled tai chi ruler which involves using this stick that is about 12 inches long that you hold in between your palms. I read a book on it and so it looked like something I wanted to learn. The dvd comes with the 'ruler' so it should be interesting to practice this. The ruler is supposed to increase one's ability to sense qi.

* * *
I started reading a Steiner book again. I haven't been reading so much as I have been practising various mantra disciplines. The book is entitled The Mission of the Folk Souls. Steiner is one of those thinkers who will begin this lecture talking about various things which at first may seem irrelevant to the subject but then by the end of the lecture series it all starts to make sense. So as I am reading this book I get impatient as I would like for him to cut to the chase. I'm 4 lectures into it so it should be getting more interesting.

* * *
I have been obsessed with finding a condo as I am itching to get out. Renting is an option as well and maybe that's what I'll have to do since I haven't found any that I liked that are in my price range. They both have their pros and cons. I find it odd that someone like me, who has a highly independent nature, has this difficulty with moving out. I'm not going to waste my time analyzing why but it is something I wonder about.

It would just be so much easier if I had a boyfriend and was pregnant.

seepage

Reason #666 for wanting to move out of my parent's house:

My dad is currently watching a television program featuring a mass where they are going through the stations of the cross.
It also features Gregorian chant

RRRRRRRRRRR

Grrrrrreetings and Salutations,

I won yesterrrrrday my firrrrrrst prrrrrize frrrom the Tim Horrrton's Rrroll up the Rrrrim to Win contest. I norrrmally don't consume Tim Horrrton's prrrroducts but have been known to occasionally have a medium hot chocolate. I've been buying Tim's just to play the game. I managed to win a coffee afterrr purrrrrchasing 5 medium hot chocolates overrrrrr the span of 2 weeks.


rrrrrrrrrrr

Happy Internet Day

Greetings and Salutations,

Today I am declaring that the world needs a day to celebrate the internet. Today I choose to make it Internet day which is a day in celebration of the wonderful and beauty of the internet.

I love the internet and I am grateful that I have access to it on a regular basis. I enjoy the quickened ability to search for things, whether I am looking for information or things to purchase that I may not easily find in stores such as my qigong dvds.

I also enjoy that the internet is a fairly democratic medium.

I do not know how else to express my appreciation of the internet but oh internet how do I love thee!

Happy Internet Day!

Merry Springmas

Greetings and Salutations,

It is officially spring. Actually I think it was officially spring yesterday. Yeah it's still cold outside!

Da bomb

Greetings and Salutations,

I started getting back into my kettlebell weightlifting. It seeems that SAD has caused me to lose motivation to exercise. I have a 26 and 35 pound kettlebell and it was actually challenging to do the one arm press with my 26 pounder. When I first started, I had managed to do one arm presses with some ease but that's what a couple of months of not training does to your strength. I think I pudged up a bit this winter. I still do my qigong and go for brief walks on my lunch.

*
I started putting sprouts in my sandwich today. I used to feed my canaries sprouts and would make them at home. I read that sprouts are good for humans so I did feel odd eating them but I enjoyed adding them to my sandwich. The ones I ate are not home made. I might want to look up on the internet for what seeds to use because when I made them for my canaries, I would use their bird seeds.

*
I have been at my job for over 6 months. My 6 months was on February 28 which also happened to be the 2 year anniversay of my grandfather's death.

This also means that I get dental benefits which will be useful as I will be needing my wisdom teeth taken out. I have 2 already out but I still have 2 remaining.
*
I am so freaking horny. I need a man!

Humanity

Greetings and Salutations,

My study group (i.e. book club) has begun reading Steiner's collection of essays entited 'The Renewal of the Social Organism'. These articles have been published in newspapers way back in the early 1900s and basically discuss ideas about organizing society. His basic idea is commonly referred to as a "Threefold Society" which means that these 3 parts - economic, political and cultural (education) must be autonomous because many social problems arise when, for example the economic sphere dictates what goes on in the education sphere. The education sphere should dictate its own mandate and not be influenced by the economic sphere.

He discusses many more aspects about society and the individual.
Several years ago I got several of his books on this topic because it was something that I was deeply concerned about. I want to be a proactive member of humanity. I want my words to have some effect. Not because I am rich or I have status but simply because I am a human. Much of what I feel and what I desire, I think are similar to what many others have, whether they are conscious of it or not.

Steiner's books and lectures on society and economics are rather thick to grasp and demand some rigourous thinking from the reader. I do believe based on my observation of life that there is an unconscious working out of this three fold idea. I think many of those in the anthroposophical community have this notion that this idea just isn't doable but I can see that in the world there is this great struggle towards this threefold idea. People just don't have this idea. People just don't think about society. Perhaps if this idea was more known, the process of evolution for humanity would speed up.

I am optimistic about the state of humanity's future. There are things humans do that is just disgusting and evil. But this is part of becoming human. I know evolving can be a messy process and that is to be expected. Humanity has alot of work ahead but I think it is doable.

Is my optimisim because I am young and naive?
I do not believe so because I have contemplated these issues and the evils of humanity. I have struggled with my own anxieties about the world. I know how the ego operates.

Cynicism and negativity does not create strong wills. It does not lead one to action or to think of alternatives.
I choose to think, to question and to challenge.

Go Humanity Go!

Lesbian Dreams

Greetings and Salutations,

Alright so I had some interesting lesbian dream this morning. I'm not a lesbian at all. I've never been with a woman. I've thought about it but I never really felt much attraction to women. I can appreciate a good looking woman. I might be willing to make out with a woman but...
I am a fan of the penis and a huge fan of the penis in the vagina, especially my vagina.

When I was in grade 9 my friends starting calling me a dyke. This was probably a few months into starting grade 9. These were my friends from elementary school and at this point many miner niners would still hang out with their friends from elementary school. I am surprised how high school can change some people into jerks and that's what happened with some of my friends. I didn't have a boyfriend and didn't date. I was one of those shy kids so although I like guys, I was rather quite scared of them. My 'friend', who I'll call Lisa (which is by the way her real name) starting calling me a dyke and then my other 'friend' Amanda (which is her real name as well) would join in. Amanda was one of those people who was really nice but when she was with Lisa she became a different person and would follow Lisa. Those 2 had some weird relationship. They would always have a fight, break up and then be friends again.

Perhaps Lisa was projecting her fears of being a lesbian onto me, a blazing hot sex goddess trapped in the body of a shy, genius nerd.

Because they kept calling me a dyke, I seriously began contemplating whether I really was a lesbian. But I came to realize that I wasn't. I wish I had stopped hanging out with them at lunch sooner and eventually I did find other friends to hang out. Ones that were more accepting towards me.

So this brings me back to my lesbian dream. I had a lesbian dream a few years ago that was quite explicit, which I will not go into. I'm secure with my sexuality and what I like. So maybe for other women, having a lesbian dream might freak them out. But for me, I try and be aware of what my subconscious is saying.

My lesbian dream was not really sexual in nature. Some woman was present and we both felt drawn to each other and attracted to each other. It wasn't sexual. We had this feeling of love and connection with each other. She would reach out and was feeling the energy around my hands. She liked me and I liked her. We were falling in love.

Perhaps this dream was symbolic of me accepting my feminin nature.

False Advertising

Today my co-workers and I ordered pitas from an undisclosed Pita store (here's a hint... it's called Extreme Pita). We all ordered combos and you have the option of getting a snack like cookies or chips. I went with cookies. I went with the double chocolate cookies.

I went to pick up the order as we called it in. I had faith that these cookies would be double cookie as the name implies. After I finished my pita, I began to eat my cookies. Apparently these cookies contain white chocolate chips as well. I felt betrayed. Here I was expecting just chocolate in my cookies. I don't want no whitie chocolate chips. I didn't want cookies that had 2 different types of chocolate.

These cookies should have been called something else. Something like double chocolate with white chocolate chips or jungle fever double chocolate or mottled double chocolate.

I shake my first in rage.

Skinner update

Greetings and Salutations,

We had contacted the vet today and the doctor told us to use a cotton ball with hydrogen peroxide with warm water on the injured areas. It appears Skinner will recover. Hopefully he will recover quickly and start using his injured leg more. And sing again.

An insider's job

Greetings and Salutations,

The family canary, Skinner is currently not doing well. I have previously mentioned that he faces danger from external birds, however the greater evil lies within the house. Skinner has a band on his leg which is common for birds. He was picking at it yesterday and my parents decided to take the leg band off.
The band was successfully removed.

My parents also decided to trim his nails since it appeared long to them. The first nail was trimmed. For the second nail, Skinner flinched and my dad ended up cutting too much of his nail, causing him to bleed profusely.

Bird nails have a blood vessel in them. You are to trim the nail 1/8 of an inch from that blood vessel. It is possible that a bird can bleed to death if you cut the blood vessel.

Skinner is surviving. The incident happened yesterday around 4 pm. He has been standing on his good leg for most of the evening. For this who do not know, canaries sleep standing on one leg. I do not know if excessive use of just one leg causes stress on the leg. He can fly and I have seen his stand on his damaged leg, but usually it is brief. I was concerned that he might die overnight but he made it through. I'm no doctor but I think if he lost too much blood, he would probably die within a few hours.

He has blood on his cheek and his belly, as he relaxs his damaged leg against his belly. How he got blood on his face is unclear.

It deeply saddens me to see an innocent creature suffer because of an accident. Let this be a lesson for those who care for birds. I have suggested to my parents to contact the vet for suggestion on aftercare, which they will do this afternoon. I don't think he needs medicine for preventing an infection as it was just his nail that was cut and not skin. I think he will probably just need to have his leg hand washed.

Skinner also has stopped singing and hopefully he will recover quickly from this genuine tragedy.

I love you Skinner!

A poem...

The trappings of existence has befallen the many
Crafted by an unknown intelligence
We wander
The trappings are many
The knowers are few

Segregation
Elimination
Discrimination

The temptation has yielded a fruit of unbearable consequences
The salvation exists
We mine for this salvation
The cost is high

Unrelenting is the pain
To go back crosses the mind
Comforted by the familiar
Warmed by the safe
Mortifed by the realization of ossification

A longing pervades
A desire persists
A decision is made

The sword is sharpened
The vision expands
The heart engulfs

Skinner Stalking

Greetings and Salutations Carriers of Cerebral fluid,

My canary Skinner is located near the window. It has given him new life to be placed in that location, however, today I was exposed to the harsh reality of how vulnerable my canary is to potential stalkers.

I was sitting on the couch reflecting upon whether I will attain Buddahood or not when I suddenly saw a Cardinal dive towards our window aiming straight for Skinner. The impact of the bird against the window startled me. Fortunately the Cardinal was okay. I don't think Skinner realized that another bird was after him.

My mother came into the living room and asked me why I was so upset and I notified her about the bird situation. She told me that the Cardinal was lurking around in the morning.

I am scared for my Skinner. He is being stalked.
I began contemplating what was the intention of this Cardinal? Did the Cardinal want to eat him? Or play with him?

Yesterday I had also noticed that another bird was fluttering in front of our window. Skinner seems to be popular. The bird from yesterday seemed curious about Skinner but today, this Cardinal seemed ready to attack. Although technically the only way an outsider bird will be able to hurt Skinner is if it waits by the side door until someone in my family leaves or enters the house. It would then have to fly into the living room, open the cage door either with its beak or feet and then begin to continuously peck at Skinner until he bleeds to death.

Or the bird would have to learn karate and break our front window. Both have a slim chance of actually happening. Skinner enjoys his location and I should hope that he doesn't get traumatized from other birds wanting to attack him.

Seepage in the brain

Reason #27 for wanting to move out of my parents house:

My mother is currently playing music by Engelbert Humperdinck.

A love note

Since it's Valentine's and I'm single, I thought I'd write about how much I love myself and tell myself how fabulous. Here goes Paula, I hope my writing makes you proud.

Why I love Paula: a message

You are a fabulous person. Paula you are funny and your highly accurate analytical mind puts many to shame. You are one of the most smartest people I know and the fact that you continously seek to grow as a person and actively seek to become better is something I highly value in you.
You are truly one of the most persistent spirits I have ever met. Most people don't know about the intensely painful inner experiences you have undergone in your early 20s. The spiritual trials you have undergone and will continue to experience is a testament to how truly strong you are. You have faced many demons. You have astounded me with your courage.
Your devotion to truth is also something very admirable. You love the truth and being honest with yourself so much that you don't care how much it hurts your ego. You have developed a high level of objectivity within yourself and that you should be proud of.
You have strong ethics and morals. I can always count on you to step up when things look bleak.
But what I truly love about you the most Paula is your highly compassionate nature. Because you have dedicated yourself to the painful task of self knowledge, you have learned many life lessons in a short span. Your understanding of how your emotions work within you has enabled you to deeply empathize with others and what struggles they deal with. Because you have dealt with your demons and have learned how to make yourself happy, you have truly gained a wonderful perspective on life.

I am so glad to have met you Paula. You have blessed me with your presence and glorious spirit.

I love you!

3 Cheers for Monogamy

I began reading a book entitled The Minds of Birds. I thought I would share a fact about birds with my mostly monogamous audience.

According to this book, 90% of all birds are monogamous.


Here's to monogamy!

Greetings and salutations,

Last night I completed my 6th journal. I have been keeping a physical journal since February 2000. It's not one of those wussy journals, it's 9 x 7 inches and is 196 pages. I tend to write more about my emotional states in my journals. I don't like to discuss my frustrations and lows in public as so I try to keep my blog perverted and happy.

I like to think that what I am writing will be valued in the future for historians. I like to think that someone reading it in the future will find it interesting to hear one's intimate thoughts during this time. I don't think they would find it valuable because it's mine but rather because the concept of struggle is universal and something everyone can relate. Although we live in such a materialistic age, I think they would find it interesting to see how someone copes and see what one values in life and how one seeks meaning and what theire hopes and aspirations are.

I do actually write positive things in my journal as well as sometimes good things do happen to me. And yes I do write about my sexual experiences and in one of my journals I begin my first journal entry (volume 2) writing about the first time I had sex with a partner (I was not a virgin at the time, it was just our first time getting it on).

I'm sure my future grandchildren would love to read sex stories about their grandmother.

Shhhhh

I don't want my mother to hear me say this so please keep this a secret.

I wanna crank me out some babies
My biological clock is ticking...
I can wait a few years so I am not in a rush to spawn.

I must be like a plant and germinate to continue my lineage. My lineage of weirdness and reliability.

Cage-ed Canary

Greeting and Salutations,

I decided to name my parent's canary Skinner. I named him that the day after they got him. I was hoping to come up with something better but that was the first thing I came up with. My parents moved him near the window after Christmas as the Christmas tree was at the window. Skinner was not singing when we first got him. He was just chirping. Skinner was on a 30 day probation period where we could return him if he didn't sing. A few days after he was moved to his new area, he did begin to sing. He is a good singer He seems to enjoy looking out the window. Prior to him being moved, I thought about what we could do to get him to sing. I thought that maybe there is a canary cd for birds. I looked online and came across several that say it encourages canaries to sing because it features other canaries. A canary can learn to sing by mimicking other canaries.

When we had our previous canary many moons ago, I would often open the cage door so that he could fly around the house. Usually Bobby would stay in the living room. I had opened the cage door for Skinner on Saturday but he did not go out. I opened it again on Sunday and left it open for the whole afternoon and he did not go out. When I first opened the door, I noticed that he aware of the door being open. But for some reason, he didn't make the connection that he could fly and have some fun.

I think this behaviour is something that we humans tend to do as well. We're all in some form of a metaphorical cage. When someone opens the door, we may see that there is an opening and yet we do not go out. We stay in for various reasons. And we miss out on exploring. Skinner could have explored the living room, the kitchen, the bathroom, etc, but he could never go beyond his own cage. The cage represents our egotistical nature. We ususally stick with what is familiar, rarely challenging the false ideas and beliefs that our minds contain.

One can argue that perhaps there is nothing wrong about Skinner staying in his cage because maybe he felt he didn't need to leave because all of his needs are met.

I had pondered this and I myself couldn't come up with a counter argument. So maybe we all should just be content and stick with what is familar. Being complacent is underrated.

A rap for all my bitches and hoes

To all my bitches and hoes
I say can I getta what what
On the Saturday bend
I takin it
Like a freefall side of the loo
I say to all my bitches and hoes
Where yo heart be at
I'm from the mean streets of
Simpleness.
I'm from the ghetto projects of
Harlequinn.

Where does my master lie?
Can you take the baseball and hit it
Likes I rhymes wit you
You likes to rhymes with me
Yo holiday bitches and hoes
Take my cornucorpia
And make slide slide
down the Saturday bend
Yo bithces and hoes
Yo bitches and hoes
Yo bitches and hoes

I be bringin' it to ya
Tay Bell
I be bringin' it to ya
Mo tell
I be bringin' it to ya
Funer Rail

Ghetto back
Ghetto hoes
Ghetto bitches and hoes

Welcome to all my bitches and hoes
Don't be messin with the
Medicine
Don't be playin' with my
Cabinet
You ain't got my quickness
My slickness
My ghetto fabulous
Mmmmmm VEM
Shut up all y'all snitches and no hoes

Ghetto back
Ghetto front
Ghetto spiral it all out

Welcome to all my bitches and hoes
I say welcome to all my bitches and hoes

Another Scientific Observation

Greetings and Salutations,

My Seasonal Affective Disorder has kicked in yet again. I must invest in a light box so that I feel more alive and less sluggish and depressed during this time of year.

I have decided to listen to some hard trance music at work. I have found that it has perked up my spirit while listening to it, whereas when I stop, I slip back into my winter depression. This is yet another observation for science to take a hold of.

I normally do not like the hard core trance music. I usually can sustain listening to the fast thump thump thump sound for about 10 minutes. However today because I am so depressed and miserable, I was able to listen to this music for the whole day and not feel irritable. In fact it has enhanced my mental and emotional state, allowing me to continue on in my day.

No other genre of music was able to do this. Not even my beloved Green Day and Hawksley Workman.

Hard core trance: mood elevator for Seasonal Affective Disorder.

Twisted Sister

Greetings and Salutations Withering Fools,

I have been watching American Idol lately. I normally don't watch it but since I am bored out of my mind and lazy, it helps pass the time, thus bringing me closer to my inevitable death.

So many people want to be famous. I wouldn't mind being famous and successful. I've actually spent time contemplating whether I'd be willing to sell my soul for success. After much soul searching, I decided that I would be willing to sell my soul to be wealthy, successful and famous. I've been a nobody for 28 years and I feel that I have suffered enough. I have no social rank and the only place where I feel I get respect is in my anthroposophy group because I'm so insightful and deep.

Well let me tell you, being deep and sensitive don't boost the ego and my ego definitely needs to be stroked. I stroke my own ego so much, it gets tiring. It's time for the rest of the world to make a contribution to keep my ego satiated.

Hey Satan... I'm willing to sell my soul for some worldly success.

On the flip side, it is possible to be successful, wealthy and famous without comprimising one's integrity... or is it?

Psuedo Lesbians

I have seen women kiss women, usually just on the lips with no tongue. I've seen in clubs or in various social events. I think it is probably one of the lamest ways a woman can declare her sexual independence. Sure a woman may protest that she is doing it because she feels like it but the reality is woman do it in a desperate attempt to be cool. To be lesbian sheek. To prove that she is sexually 'out there' and wild.

I remember being in a club and seeing a couple of girls doing a little grinding dance together. They only do it to get attention. They don't do it because they are genuinely turned on by the female form. If they were genuinely turned on by women, they would take her somewhere private, rip her pants off, lick her cunt and give her the best oral sex imaginable.

See, I consider myself a real woman. I don't need to play those silly little games that wannabe lesbians play where they give pecks on the lips. If you want to be a real wannabe lesbian, slip some tongue at least.

The Day is Coming

Greetings and Salutations,

Tomorrow on January 13th, is my birthday. I will be 28. Based on a life expectancy of 84, this means that 1/3 of my life is over. Now I actually feel old.

I actually feel impending doom and actually do not look forward to turning this age. I had read somewhere that the period of 28-35 is where many life changes occur. It is where people most likely marry if they haven't or get divorced if they are married, where people have children, where people change careers, where people become mentally ill. I sure hope that I experience major life shifts in that span.

I just want more out of life.

I feel like I don't have much time left to make something out of myself.
I guess that's not really true as there are people who are productive in their old age. But that's not the point.

Anyways, a couple of my co-workers in my department got me a card with some scratch tickets and brought donuts. I wasn't expecting that and thought that was very nice of them. I didn't win. I think if I were to win a significant amount, say anything over $1000, I think I would want to split it in cases like that where people buy you that as a gift. If I were giving it, I wouldn't care if they didn't split it.
*
I have been sick alot these past few weeks. I don't know if it is a reoccuring sickness. My throat is bugging me and I'll have a fever. I'll be fine for a week and then get sick again. I think there was only one cold that was going around at work that I didn't pick up. It's good to know that if there is an epidemic flu, my immune system probably would not help me survive.
*
I had an eye doctor appointment this Wednesday. The secretary puts you into another waiting room and there you wait until the doctor tells you to take a seat. I was waiting with some old man for a long time. I came in early too because I was hoping that I wouldn't be in for long. The doctor was ready to see me and then she told me to go to the room. I waited for another 5 minutes. I decided to look through my chart because I wonder what they put down in these things. I looked through some past entries and one of them was where the doctor wrote that I was 10 minutes late. I didn't appreciate that. I checked the clock and it was 30 minutes past my appointment. So I wrote in my notes that the doctor was 30 minutes late. I normally don't do stuff like that but that room where they make you wait has toys in it and I was playing with some of them. Playing with toys does help me get out of my head and into a more defenseless and child-like state of mind.

The doctor never said anything. I felt a bit bad because I probably should have asked about why she would write that I was 10 minutes late. I wasn't angry that she was late but just that she would write that down.

I think I should get another eye doctor. She was an opthamologist. I didn't feel cared for as a patient. You know if the eyes are the window to the soul, you would think they eye doctors would be more sensitive and gentle but she was not.

You Spin Me

I was watching this political documentary entitled Outfoxed: Rupert Murdoch's War on Journalism. I thought it was interesting. I don't get the Fox station up here in Canada so Fox news plays a non existent role in my life.

I began thinking about the word spin. Spin is defined in my dictionary as "a bias in information to give a favourite impression". Isn't the word spin a spin of itself? Isn't using the word spin really just a more fancier way to say that something is a lie? People seem to be waking up to the fact that media 'spins' things and we now use that word so freely. Why don't we just call it like it is, which is spreading lies and misinformation? Why are we Disneyfying something that is a serious issue?

Cleanin' Up

I was cleaning upstairs with my mom. She has so many magazines that she's kept over the years and I have a bit of stuff upstairs that I could have gotten rid of. I did some cleaning up this evening by myself and got rid of my notes from high school. I kept my report cards and a couple of assignments that I liked. I went through some of my notes and apparently we did study in religion class Judaism, Islam and Hinduism. I went to a Catholic school and I remember learning about Judaism but not the other 2 religions. I am surprised Buddhism wasn't covered. Perhaps it sounds a bit too nihilistic and maybe it would be too depressing for teenagers.

I decided to keep my notes from university, which I attended for one year. I am a bit attached to my university notes. How many other people keep their notes from high school or university?

I considered myself smart but until I took chemistry and physics, my confidence in my intelligence took a bit of a dive. I had to work really hard in physics and it still didn't make sense to me. We had grade 13 when I was in high school and I think for grade 11(or 12) and grade 13 I must have gotten 59% or 60% in physics which was the lowest grade I ever got in my entire life. I had an academic weakness and it was rawly exposed. I think to this day it still affects me to some degree. I hope that perhaps one day I will make a contribution to science, particularly the field of physics. I hope that by the time I hit my 40s, I will develop an interest in physics and then come up with some revolutionary theory. I'll be the physics underdog who makes a comeback.

I hope you appreciate my little nerd fantasy.

Calculus too also crippled my confidence as well. I was always good in math and in elementary school was always a top performer. In many of the tests we were given, I would get 100% and most of the time was the top student in my class for math. In high school I would do well. Not necessarily the top student but usually got above 85%.

I have wounds from high school. I had academic wounds, social wounds and romantic wounds. I think I am over my social wounds but I think the academic wounds still linger. Growing up I always had faith and confidence in my academic ability but in high school there were a few courses that I didn't excel at and were quite a struggle. My faith in my intelligence was being chipped away at.

Physics was the first class I actually had to ask my teacher for help. I am usually someone who likes to figure things out on my own. I had to get over my pride in asking for help.

Life is about moving on and letting go. So I hope that getting rid of my notes signals to my subconscious that it is time to completely purify myself of these past experiences, whether they were were positive or negative and move on.

Word up 2007

Happy New Year's y'all,

I just hung out with a couple of my friends at their house for New Year's. We watched some movies and played some games. I was not in the mood to go out and wanted something quiet and simple.

I ended up cleaning my room yesterday. I thought that it would be nice to ring in the new year with a clean room. I clean my room about once a month. I probably should do it more but I don't care if my room is always clean.

I went to my car as I had some items to get there and some items to put back. I tend to keep my gas receipts in the car and so I quickly cleaned up whatever loose papers I had. I'm cleaning the back seat from the front seat. I don't mind that my ass is up in the air because sometimes I like to put myself in odd physical positions, just for the sake of it. I would look at my backseat thinking, how the hell did I manage to have sex in the backseat is beyond me. I don't know if I would have sex again in my backseat.

I finished gathering the loose papers and had this lame cd program I got for free which I decided to throw out. I went inside and sorted through the papers and found a receipt for this product that I returned. I returned this 5 dvd set back in June but I never got a refund for it. I called them several times but they said I needed a receipt. I normally keep these things until it gets processed and I think I did check my car for the receipt. This company said they'd do an inquiry but I never heard from them. I called them up to say I found my receipt and they gave me my refund. I was pleased as the product was about $275 US.

*
There are 2 singers who originally were in bands and they decided to step out and do solo albums. They are Gwen Stefani of No Doubt and Stacey 'Fergie' Ferguson of Black Eyed Peas. I liked them both when they were in their respective bands. However when they decided to do their own work, I thought their music was absolute crap. Both of them have done several rap-type songs and it's not good. Gwen's new song Wind it Out is probably the worst song I've heard all year. It's shit coated shit. 'Fergie' seems to be a Gwen clone but a more sluttier clone. I'm all for women being sexy but some of these performers take skank to a whole new level. Fergie wears such outlandish outfits and excessive make up that she actually looks like a transvestite. To be redundant, she looks like a man who is trying to look like a woman. I find it ironic when these performers try and look sexy and provocative by dressing slutty, it ends up making them look unfeminine.

Please Gwen and Stacey, go back to your respective bands. When you do your solo work, it's too weird and stupid.

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I want to be a breatharian. I get tired of eating and would just like to survive on air and not need to eat. I of course eat because I get hungry. I don't care to eat. I don't mind chocolate and sweets occasionally. And I wouldn't mind eating every once in a while. But I just get tired of always needing to eat 3 meals a day. I know some people can just eat breakfast and dinner but I can't because I get hungry around noon or 1 pm.

I just would like to be more fuel efficient. I love you stomach but you are too high maintenance for me!

I'm actually going to highlight that which I think is true about me. I have been labelled as a lizard. I like lizards as I think they are cute and I also appreciate their tongue skills.

Maya * Aztec Astrology Report

Introduction - The Astrology of Time
The ancient Maya and Aztec astrologers studied the mysterious influence of the rhythms of the sky on earthly life. Everyone knows the Sun rises and sets every day -- this is the basic rhythm of life around which we set our clocks and calendars. What the ancient astrologers discovered was that other time cycles existed that were multiples of this basic day cycle. This fact was discovered about 100 years ago in Europe and these cycles (there are many of them) are now called biorhythms.

The most important time cycles in ancient Mayan and Aztec astrology are those of the day, 9-days, 13-days, and 20-days. Additionally, years are counted also, in groups of 4 and 13. Each day is then part of several other cycles, so no two days are exactly the same. Your Maya/Aztec horoscope below shows exactly where in each of the cycles you were born. Each category below examines a specific cycle and a specific aspect of your personality. Keep in mind that our personalities are complex and contain many contradictions. All of us present a different "face" depending on who we meet. The delineations below will reflect this, but they will also give you a clear picture of who you really are. The true value of astrology lies in self-knowledge, the first step to wisdom.

Your Most Personal Traits -- The Day-Sign of Your Birth
Here are your strongest and most obvious personality traits. The delineation below describes who you are and how you appear to others, at least on the surface. In Aztec astrology this part of is your horoscope is your Tonalli, or Day-Sign, the form bestowed upon you by the Sun.

Lizard: You are a true individual. You compromise only under extreme pressure, and then resent it if you have to. You often attract attention by being different, but this action often meets your "performance needs." More often, you are simply too involved in your own interests to even care what other people think about you.

Because you have a strong desire to appear before the public in some way, it is highly likely that you do work that is creative or performance oriented, and you are probably very competent, possibly outstanding, at what you do. Your standards are always high and you are probably an influential force in your world. You have natural leadership instincts and are not hesitant to take charge of situations when necessary. Others respect your competence and will follow your lead.

You do not tolerate superficiality. You take your interests very seriously, these often being "heavy" subjects like science, philosophy, religion and metaphysics. You are a powerful thinker and you are not easily swayed by argument. It is this mental determination that allows you to accomplish as much as you do. Down deep, you are very serious about your life.

In relationship matters, sexuality is a major issue for you. You are probably a highly sexed individual who needs to have an outlet for all that primal energy roaring within you. Many Lizard personalities channel this energy into work, music, ritual or other rhythmic and artistic projects. You may need to find a balance between overt sexual aggressiveness, which can lead to unstable and controversial relationship patterns, and sexual repression, which can cause just as much damage.

Like lizards, which perch on rocks or branches waiting for their meals to come to them, you may often appear on the surface to be lazy. But in reality, you are a passive stalker who works in full public view. You are quick to react to opportunities and make contacts with the right people and this allows you to move upward socially without offending many people.

Your Deeper Self -- The 13-Day Week of Your Birth
Each of us reacts to the world around us in different ways. Our reactions are mostly unconscious; they represent what our deeper self needs. Our reactions both attract and repel us from things, people, and situations. What we like, what we like to do, and who we really are is shown by the 13-day week called the Trecena that we were born under. Each of these periods begins with the number 1 and the name of the day-sign that starts it. A number is attached to your position within the 13-day period that may be an important number for you.

This is the tenth day of the 13-day period beginning with 1-Eagle. Beneath your surface personality you are a person with powerful faculties of discrimination. You really know the differences between things and also know how to express them. You may also be outstanding at articulating your feelings and emotions, or at least focusing them through a creative or artistic project. You are also probably somewhat pyschic and may find that your unconscious is your best friend, once you know how to listen to it. Freedom and independence is a major issue for you. You resist working for others and often become involved in self-employment that is creative or artistic. You are also probably quite fussy and tech-minded.

Try your sample Maya Aztec Reading

Pure Nerd 86 % Nerd, 17% Geek, 26% Dork For The Record: A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia. A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one. A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions. You scored better than half in Nerd, earning you the title of: Pure Nerd. The times, they are a-changing. It used to be that being exceptionally smart led to being unpopular, which would ultimately lead to picking up all of the traits and tendences associated with the "dork." No-longer. Being smart isn't as socially crippling as it once was, and even more so as you get older: eventually being a Pure Nerd will likely be replaced with the following label: Purely Successful. Congratulations! THE NERD? GEEK? OR DORK? TEST

The Liberated Lover 68% partner focus, 61% aggressiveness, 65% adventurousness

Based on the results of this test, it is highly likely that: You prefer your romance and love to wild and daring rather than typical or boring, you would rather pursue than be pursued and, when it comes to physical love, your satisfaction comes more from providing a wonderful time to your partner than simply seeking your own. This places you in the Lover Style of: The Liberated Lover. The Liberated Lover is a wonderful Lover Style, and forms the kind of free-thinking, sexually-exciting, self-confident lover that society once condemned but that a liberal-mind cherishes and exults. The Liberated Lover is a treasure to find, though it can sometimes be difficult to do so because they are often already engaged in relationships or are in high-demand if "in the market." In terms of physical love, the Liberated Lover is possibly the most thrilling and demanding of all, with the one potential drawback being that it is possible to feel 'overmatched' at times by their prowess and selfless giving. Given trust and understanding, and the right lover, the Liberated Lover can be a delight in bed. Best Compatibility can probably be found with: The Exotic Lover (most of all) or the Carnal Lover, or the Suave Lover. THE LOVER STYLE PROFILE TEST

The Quick & Painless ENNEAGRAM Test

the Asserter Thanks for taking the test !

you chose AY - your Enneagram type is EIGHT (aka "The Challenger"). "I must be strong" Asserters are direct, self-reliant, self-confident, and protective. How to Get Along with Me Stand up for yourself... and me. Be confident, strong, and direct. Don't gossip about me or betray my trust. Be vulnerable and share your feelings. See and acknowledge my tender, vulnerable side. Give me space to be alone. Acknowledge the contributions I make, but don't flatter me. I often speak in an assertive way. Don't automatically assume it's a personal attack. When I scream, curse, and stomp around, try to remember that's just the way I am. What I Like About Being a Eight being independent and self-reliant being able to take charge and meet challenges head on being courageous, straightforward, and honest getting all the enjoyment I can out of life supporting, empowering, and protecting those close to me upholding just causes What's Hard About Being a Eight overwhelming people with my bluntness; scaring them away when I don't intend to being restless and impatient with others' incompetence sticking my neck out for people and receiving no appreciation for it never forgetting injuries or injustices putting too much pressure on myself getting high blood pressure when people don't obey the rules or when things don't go right Eights as Children Often are independent; have an inner strength and a fighting spirit are sometimes loners seize control so they won't be controlled fugure out others' weaknesses attack verbally or physically when provoked take charge in the family because they perceive themselves as the strongest, or grow up in difficult or abusive surroundings Eights as Parents are often loyal, caring, involved, and devoted are sometimes overprotective can be demanding, controlling, and rigid Renee Baron & Elizabeth Wagele The Enneagram Made Easy Discover the 9 Types of People Harper SanFrancisco, 1994, 161 pages You liked the test? so please don't forget to RATE it... but remember! it had only two questions!!! ;-) you wanna know MORE? so check out, what Google found about your type... Take The Quick & Painless ENNEAGRAM Test

Confessions from my mind

Okay, I have come to a point now in my life where I have to admit that I think too much. I know I thought alot about why I think too much or how can I think less so that I don't have to think too much. I thought about how much thinking do I really need to do in my life.

Ugh, yes I admit. I have a problem thinking too much. I think over the years I am getting better at it by being more of a doer and feeler rather then just a thinker. I'm not so much in my head. I know I am stubborn. I hate how it makes my life unneccessarily difficult.

Yes I am getting better at being more superficial.

When people ask how you're doing, you don't need to give them the truth of how you are feeling. You just answer fine. It's just a way to exchange social pleasantriness.

I have been lusting for another guy at work these past few weeks and again I have realized I am thinking too much about the situation. I one day said hello. It seemed so easy. The fear in my mind has been dissolving. My perception of things change when I start to deal with my emotional state. What is reality?

This guy I usually would see at my lunch which I would take at around 12.45 but now he has lunch at a different time from noon to 12.30. I have been planning how I can run into him at lunch and the only way I'd be able to do it was if I caught him 2 minutes before he finishes. I thought that I didn't really need to have lunch the entire time he was, I just need a minute or two to say hello and perhaps ask how his day was going. He started his shift 2 hours earlier then I did as I start at 10 am and so eating at noon would be too early. But I also couldn't do this everyday otherwise he might think it was weird. I would think how he would think about what a coincedence that now I am eating at the same time he does. I was trying to think about the situation from his perspective. I would think how he would probably think I was creepy if I were doing that so I'd have to execute my plan a maximum of 2 days of the week.

Then on Friday he was on my floor, no longer on the upstairs floor. Does he notice me? I am looking at him as he walks by but I don't think he notices me. I kinda thought he likes me but then maybe now I don't. Is he aware of where my desk is? Does he notice the stuff on my desk. You know you can gather information about people by observing what's on their desk.

So I think too much about this guy and how can I tell if he likes me. I wrestle with myself. Why am I thinkig this. Does he even think half of what you think? Ask him out. Too bold for you? Talk to him. Converse with him. These things aren't too hard.

I am thinking too much.

I can stop.

And I did. I just said that's enough mind. I know it's difficult to ask out someone from work. Let's not overanalyze the situation.

There have been times in my life that I wish I was dumber. Having an analytical mind such as the one I possess is a mighty force to possess and it takes great skill and patience to tame this beast. It can be my best friend or my worst enemy. It will create inaccurate perceptions skewing my sense of reality or it will give me the most pristine and brilliant thoughts.

My mind will lead me either to my great demise or to great success.
It will either push me to ask questions that have not been asked and send me to new conceptual realms or it will send me to this dark abyss where I keep cycling the same thoughts over and over.

I am not alone. This is something many humans go through.

Merry Christmas

Belated Merry Christmas everyone!

Did nothing terribly exciting for Christmas. I personally do not celebrate Christmas as it is a religious holiday that celebrates the birth of Jesus. Y'all remember Jesus don't you? He's the whole reason why malls were invented and why we desperately need to spend our money on our loved ones and surprise them with gifts they may or may not like. It's all to atone for our sins. Shopping frantically the week before or even shopping a month in advance is what will make Baby Jesus happy.

I wonder what were Jesus' first words?
Virgin mama?
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I was watching Oprah's Christmas special for about 15 minutes. It showed what she and her staff did last year for Christmas. They gave children from various regions of South Africa gifts. They gave them a back pack with school supplies, black dolls for the girls, balls for the boys and runners. I thought it was nice but I kept thinking where were the gifts made from? Underpaid children in China?

I should hope not. It seems a bit foolish to want to help make people feel special by getting them stuff that comes from people who do not receive a living wage.

Kudos anyways.
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I get an extra day off work tomorrow which is nice. I like not working. I did some Steiner reading and have almost finished his book entitled Colour. I got a few weeks ago several martial arts dvd, one being a qigong dvd, the other a kung fu and the other is called water boxing or Liu He Ba Fa, which is an internal martial art. I began practising the water boxing form the other day. It's 9 minutes but it more complicated to learn then the qigong dvds I have because you are moving in more directions. I always find myself a bit overwhelmed when learning these things but I always have to remind myself to break down the task into smaller pieces.

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I decided to go to the mall today to check out what it is like. I normally don't go shopping at boxing day. The mall I went to was crazy busy. I went with my mother and we might have been there for 2 hours. All the stores we went that had clothes my mom liked didn't have much people whereas the ones I liked had an abudance of teenagers. We went out of this one store and there was just a row of men who were standing outside waiting for their women to be done.

Shopping isn't really fun for me. Over the past few years going to the mall or looking for things to buy was pure drugery. I spend more time looking at things that I do not care for. I'd rather just go in, buy what I need and get out.

The only good thing I got out of going to the mall was realizing that I have the things I need and that there was nothing there I particularly cared for.

But I really would have liked to find a matching baby blue hat and scarf set.
And a sweater.

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I have already made out my goals for 2007. I have 3 major ones and one of them is to move out. I can move out now and rent but I am interested in owning a condo. I have my budget all set up and have been pre-approved for a mortgage over a month ago. I have my 5% down payment. I am looking to move out to Burlington or Mississauga as I hate Hamilton. I'm just not feeling this city anymore. I think it sucks and there are many low lifes in the core.

I have no idea what to expect for next year but damn it I'm going to make my goals happen. It's time I grow up and make my mark and give the universe one good cosmic bitch slap and declare my material desires and ambitions.

I am in LOVE!

Greetings and Salutations Children of a drunken g-d,

I am in love. My parents bought a canary and he is flaming orange. I get to name him. He has a name but it's not clear to me yet what it is. I know a name will come to me soon. We used to own canaries. We had 2 males (at different times) years ago and they were both yellow. This one is so cute. I looked at him today and he was actually acting shy around me. He would turn his head slightly down and to the side.

Adorable, adorable, adorable.

I just want to open the cage, grab him and squeeze him and kiss him. He is just so cute!

My dad is retired and so thought getting canaries would be a good hobby for him. He wanted to get a female but was told that if you get the female with the male, the male won't sing. So my parents decided to go the selfish route and decided to just get the male so that it would sing.

When we had our second canary, we ended up getting a female months later. They are supposed to be gradually introduced i.e. not to share the same cage right away. We did that and the female (Rosie) laid eggs. The male (Bobby) destroyed them and Rosie began attacking and fighting with Bobby and we had to separate them.

I think it is quite sad that the male will only sing when alone. These animals get to be creative but only in solitude. Their only companions are the human hands that feed them. They experience loneliness for our enjoyment.

Oh the plight of the lone canary.

The pet store also has a 30 day policy. If he doesn't sing, we have 30 days to return. He has done some chirping but nothing spectacular. Our previous canaries weren't shy and were singing right away.

Here is a picture of my new love.

My seduction style

Sick greetings

Word up my peeps,

Today I woke up sick. I thought I was just getting lazy because I did nothing yesterday but it turned out my throat is not doing well. I'm feeling a bit better now. I'm strong enough to hurl insults but not for a sustained period.

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I've given up on my crush at work. I never see him. So now I have no one to lust for in my life. It makes for a meaningless existence when you can't go beyond your own little world. I can only self-lust and proclaim my hottness and desirability for so long. I'm bored with thinking about myself and I'm too lazy to be more altruistic. I want to direct my lust to someone else. It's not fair!

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I got one of the most depressing Christmas e-greeting from someone who used to be in my Steiner book group. She's moved back to Germany and sent an e-update about her life. She was preggo when she left Canada and she sent pictures after her son was born. In this e-update she talked about how she got sick a lot only to discover that she had mono. She went on how she misses Canada. I like the woman. I didn't know her well but she seemed like a chipper woman.

Maybe she doesn't realize that you can bullshit when you send these updates. Or at least put a positive spin on the negative like any reliable news source would.

Banana Nanna

Greetings and Salutations Children of a Non-Existent G-d,

Normally I will have a banana at lunch when I am at work. I don't eat bananas on the weekend, usually just at work. I also use a knife to cut open my banana as many times there are parts of the banana that are a bit mushy so the knife comes in handy. It's become a habit for me to analyze and dissect my banana. I won't even eat that stringy peel part that's on the banana. I don't know what the correct term but the consensus at work (yes I've had to ask a few people if they know what the correct term is. Clearly none of us are banana experts.) is that they are the fibers of the banana.

I won't even eat the fibers of the banana and will pick away at it. I like to use the knife to lift it up just enough so that I can pull it off with my fingers.

I've had someone comment to me last year when I was at work (not where I am currently working but some other company) enjoying my lunch about how I eat my banana. I guess they never saw anyone use a knife. They weren't being rude or anything but that day I lost my innocence about using my knife. I didn't think using a knife to open a banana was such a big deal. That day was the day I realized that most people don't use knives.

That day I realized that the way I ate my banana was different from how everyone else ate their bananas.

Last month at work I was eating my banana. There were 2 new guys in the lunch room. I was using my knife to cut open my banana and had to cut off the mushy parts. As I was eating, I noticed one of the guys was looking at me. I looked at him. Neither of us said a word. At first I thought he was looking at me because I'm hot but then I began thinking how he probably thought it was weird that I used a knife on my banana.

So today I thought I'd break out of my comfort zone with always using a knife. I went without one. It felt awkward. I felt like I had slid down the evolutionary chain. I no longer was superior to animals. I became one of them. I had to struggle to rip open the banana. There was a brown spot on the banana and all I could do was pick at it with my finger. The tip of the banana was mushy.

I lost my humanity today but tomorrow I will gain it back.
Tomorrow I will use a knife.

Gettin' Older

Greeting and Salutations Humanized hemoglobinites,

I went shopping with my mother this weekend for a new coat as that will be my present for Christmas from them. On the way to the store, my mother asked me when I was going to get married. She has not asked me this question before. I will be 28 next January and so I guess this is one of the markers that I am getting old. I also don't have a boyfriend. She thinks I should get married by 30. She believes that if I don't get married when I am young, it will be difficult for me to get along with someone.

I don't really like the term marriage. I have many negative associations with that word. Associations such as slavery, lack of freedom, being controlled, conforming to society and losing your individuality.
I do however want someone with whom I can spend many many years with. Someone who is funny and intelligent and understands my weirdness. I have many things in my life to entertain me and I'm not going to stress like many other single ladies about how they 'need to get married'.

I think my mother also expects me to get married in a church but I certainly would not do that. I do not like organized religion and certainly want to have as minimal contact with religion as possible.

* * *
I seem to have this addiction to gum. I will eat several gums throughout the day at work. I'm also a swallower of gum. So I might have a bunch of gum in the span of 10 minutes. I remember watching some tv show when I was kid that debunked the myth that gum stays in your body for 7 years. So ever since that time, I freely would swallow my gum because I knew that it would get digested.

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I had an interesting conversation with some people last week about sex. These people are in relationships and have gone several weeks without getting some. I have a friend who helps me. So I get it regularly. I'll get it 3-4 times a month. On average I'll get it every week or once every 10 days. Now I am not here to judge these people's sexual activity. I am bringing this up because every once in a while there will be in the news the average number of times people have sex in a week. I've heard the national average being 2-3 times a week. So here I am thinking I am below the national average. How accurate are these stats? I am sure that many people lie about their sex lives.

Who is having all this sex?