Greetings all,
I tend to do 40 day disciplines and so am good at sticking to them. Some people have a hard time doing them because it is about breaking your karma and sometimes there is resistance to that.
I am doing 3 meditations that I learned at my sat nam rasayan workshop and my 40 days will be up on the 6th of February. Usually when I am nearing the end, I think of what to work on next and so the past few days I have been feeling nervous about what to do because I wanted to work on a meditation that would help me with my issues and current problems.
I had previously worked with the ganpattee kriya for just over a year and that has helped me a lot. I tried it for 11 minutes a few days ago but didn't feel drawn to it. I think I wanted to work with it again because it helped in the past but I wasn't feeling drawn to it. I think for me I was looking at past success to determine my future which sometimes doesn't work.
I also worked with sat kriya for just over 6 months and that helped alot. Again, I didn't feel drawn to it.
So I thought - with reluctance - that since I am still in the middle of a discipline, that I need to delve into it because with the 3 meditations, I felt like not much was happening. I felt release when I first used them, but not much lately.
I just let go with my wanting to find the next meditation and I found it was a cathartic meditation. I guess even when you think there is nothing to let go, you still can.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Overvaluing Self
Greetings all,
One thing I occasionally notice on the message board that I post on, sometimes women seem to have this tendency to overvalue themselves. I mean, I think it's great to think you have value and are 'expensive' and thus supposed to be treated with respect but sometimes I wonder what quality are these women? I mean, I don't know them too much and I can only go by what is posted.
One woman whom has always been a trouble maker on the board has this over inflated sense of self and is a bit of a bully. It's actually common for bullies to overestimate their talents. This woman thinks she is hot. I have seen her picture on facebook and she is far from hot. She has what is known as 'butter face'. Everything is nice about her but her face. She thinks she is smart. She is not. She makes claims but doesn't support them and expects you to do the research. Honey, it does not work like that. If you make a statement, you are the one that is obligated to prove its validity not label others as lazy if they do not do the research you are supposed to do.
Now I think love can bloom with all sorts of people. Boring people find love. Dumb people find love. Ugly, boring and dumb people find love. We all know that like attracts like. So obviously someone like me is seeking a hot, silly genius man.
I think at the end of the day, it's about finding someone whom is compatible with your personality. Everyone had a different personality. I may think someone is incredibly dumb or lazy but they can hook up with someone who thinks they are great and smart. It's all relative.
Birds of a feather flock together.
As well, when someone overvalues themselves, they sometimes need to ask themselves what they bring to a relationship. Of course, men really need to be the ones that prove themselves first but sometimes men hook up with substandard women but yet these women may need to make some inner changes to get to a standard level. I guess it's just easier to look at someone and see what's wrong with them, rather then looking at what you need to work on. The bottom line is that I have strengths and weaknesses and the people around me have strengths and weaknesses.
I think if you want to be treated like royalty, then one needs to have the inner qualities as well and show respect to others.
One thing I occasionally notice on the message board that I post on, sometimes women seem to have this tendency to overvalue themselves. I mean, I think it's great to think you have value and are 'expensive' and thus supposed to be treated with respect but sometimes I wonder what quality are these women? I mean, I don't know them too much and I can only go by what is posted.
One woman whom has always been a trouble maker on the board has this over inflated sense of self and is a bit of a bully. It's actually common for bullies to overestimate their talents. This woman thinks she is hot. I have seen her picture on facebook and she is far from hot. She has what is known as 'butter face'. Everything is nice about her but her face. She thinks she is smart. She is not. She makes claims but doesn't support them and expects you to do the research. Honey, it does not work like that. If you make a statement, you are the one that is obligated to prove its validity not label others as lazy if they do not do the research you are supposed to do.
Now I think love can bloom with all sorts of people. Boring people find love. Dumb people find love. Ugly, boring and dumb people find love. We all know that like attracts like. So obviously someone like me is seeking a hot, silly genius man.
I think at the end of the day, it's about finding someone whom is compatible with your personality. Everyone had a different personality. I may think someone is incredibly dumb or lazy but they can hook up with someone who thinks they are great and smart. It's all relative.
Birds of a feather flock together.
As well, when someone overvalues themselves, they sometimes need to ask themselves what they bring to a relationship. Of course, men really need to be the ones that prove themselves first but sometimes men hook up with substandard women but yet these women may need to make some inner changes to get to a standard level. I guess it's just easier to look at someone and see what's wrong with them, rather then looking at what you need to work on. The bottom line is that I have strengths and weaknesses and the people around me have strengths and weaknesses.
I think if you want to be treated like royalty, then one needs to have the inner qualities as well and show respect to others.
Friday, January 21, 2011
This Week
Greetings all,
This week sucked for me as I was getting sick on Monday night and had spent most of the day at the library job searching. I had a sore throat and fever. I missed my book group on Tuesday night and Wednesday my fever went down. Today I am out and job searching again but this morning I had a coughing fit so I can't really strain my voice with too much talking.
Usually, like most people, when I get sick, I get depressed and discouraged so this week I didn't feel good and I feel hopeless about my job situation. I don't know what to do with myself either. I just am anti-school but it's time I figure out what to do with myself. I just think it's not fair. I have enough troubles in my life and this week again I felt deserted.
I hate not having much money and being on such a tight budget. I just don't get life sometimes.
Woe is me!
This week sucked for me as I was getting sick on Monday night and had spent most of the day at the library job searching. I had a sore throat and fever. I missed my book group on Tuesday night and Wednesday my fever went down. Today I am out and job searching again but this morning I had a coughing fit so I can't really strain my voice with too much talking.
Usually, like most people, when I get sick, I get depressed and discouraged so this week I didn't feel good and I feel hopeless about my job situation. I don't know what to do with myself either. I just am anti-school but it's time I figure out what to do with myself. I just think it's not fair. I have enough troubles in my life and this week again I felt deserted.
I hate not having much money and being on such a tight budget. I just don't get life sometimes.
Woe is me!
Rooftop Walking
Greetings all,
I had this dream either this week or last week but it was a dream where I was walking on rooftops. For some reason they were primarily connected and it was actually not easy to walk on some of them. I remember at one point I had to leap to the other building as it was probably 5 feet apart and so I did a running jump. It was quite risky and I potentially could have died. There was some steep terrain as well so it wasn't easy.
Today I dreamed that I was doing this again but this time my mother was meeting me from the other direction and I remember thinking how terrible it would be for my mother to make that leap as I barely made it. I was thinking, I am too old for this and didn't want to go through all this difficulty walking. Too old for leaping... now I know I am getting old. Even in my dreams I am being conservative. Apparently my mother figured another way around it.
I don't know if I figured out what to do in another dream but at some point I thought about the dream while in a dream state and I realized that I don't have to do this and that I could just get to my destination by walking on the ground. Pretty simple.
I don't know if this means my subconscious is making some shift but I do feel like I don't want a life where I am rooftop climbing because I want to take an easier road. I think it is representing on some level that in some part of my life I am making things difficult by trying too hard. That's my theory. We'll see what happens.
I had this dream either this week or last week but it was a dream where I was walking on rooftops. For some reason they were primarily connected and it was actually not easy to walk on some of them. I remember at one point I had to leap to the other building as it was probably 5 feet apart and so I did a running jump. It was quite risky and I potentially could have died. There was some steep terrain as well so it wasn't easy.
Today I dreamed that I was doing this again but this time my mother was meeting me from the other direction and I remember thinking how terrible it would be for my mother to make that leap as I barely made it. I was thinking, I am too old for this and didn't want to go through all this difficulty walking. Too old for leaping... now I know I am getting old. Even in my dreams I am being conservative. Apparently my mother figured another way around it.
I don't know if I figured out what to do in another dream but at some point I thought about the dream while in a dream state and I realized that I don't have to do this and that I could just get to my destination by walking on the ground. Pretty simple.
I don't know if this means my subconscious is making some shift but I do feel like I don't want a life where I am rooftop climbing because I want to take an easier road. I think it is representing on some level that in some part of my life I am making things difficult by trying too hard. That's my theory. We'll see what happens.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Pretty Girls
Greetings all,
I had previously written about pretty girls but I will probably go more into it. As mentioned, I don't consider myself classically pretty but because I've worked on my confidence I believe that I am hot and so I am not threatened by the 'pretty' girls.
The thing that irks me is that many men get distracted by the Pretty and they all go after that girl who is the prettiest of the bunch. They don't seem to realize that they at the same time are competing with many other men who want this girl. If they had enough intelligence, maybe they would go for the lesser pretty girls but who had interesting personalities and were probably a better catch overall.
I know guys have seen the same thing. Girls going after the pretty boy. I know for me, I want someone who has an interesting personality. I am not blinded by good looks like many men are.
The way I see it, if people want to be so superficial and go for the pretty one, they get what they deserve. They may not be compatible with the person and it may not work out for them. As well, if you are the pretty one you may not be a nice person because what I find is that pretty people can get away with being mean and being thoughtless. All because they look pretty. Now not all pretty people are like that but you definitely get way with more and get judged less harshly then someone who is less attractive. They've done studies on this as well. We think people who are pretty are good but in reality they may not be.
Going after someone who is pretty may blind you to their other flaws. In the beginning you can overlook these flaws because they are so pretty and you are so attracted to them but at some point, you have have to probe into their soul just a little bit more to see the truth of whom they are. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses but someone who is pretty can deceive you based on this one 'strength' of looks, of being pretty.
I have written out a list a while ago about what I want in a man and they are all inner qualities. I do list that I want an attractive man, but that is general and it is not limiting because what I find attractive can be broad. Some people get so fussy about what they want physically but it is nuts. They want someone who is a certain height or with certain eye colours and it's largely superficial. Then they wonder why they are single.
It's the old, don't judge a book by its cover.
I've been overlooked before by men and yes it probably did bother me but now at my age, I know that people that overlook me and do not appreciate me for the person I am are just a waste of my time. I can see my hotness and if others can't, they are just losers in my book (or dumb).
I had previously written about pretty girls but I will probably go more into it. As mentioned, I don't consider myself classically pretty but because I've worked on my confidence I believe that I am hot and so I am not threatened by the 'pretty' girls.
The thing that irks me is that many men get distracted by the Pretty and they all go after that girl who is the prettiest of the bunch. They don't seem to realize that they at the same time are competing with many other men who want this girl. If they had enough intelligence, maybe they would go for the lesser pretty girls but who had interesting personalities and were probably a better catch overall.
I know guys have seen the same thing. Girls going after the pretty boy. I know for me, I want someone who has an interesting personality. I am not blinded by good looks like many men are.
The way I see it, if people want to be so superficial and go for the pretty one, they get what they deserve. They may not be compatible with the person and it may not work out for them. As well, if you are the pretty one you may not be a nice person because what I find is that pretty people can get away with being mean and being thoughtless. All because they look pretty. Now not all pretty people are like that but you definitely get way with more and get judged less harshly then someone who is less attractive. They've done studies on this as well. We think people who are pretty are good but in reality they may not be.
Going after someone who is pretty may blind you to their other flaws. In the beginning you can overlook these flaws because they are so pretty and you are so attracted to them but at some point, you have have to probe into their soul just a little bit more to see the truth of whom they are. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses but someone who is pretty can deceive you based on this one 'strength' of looks, of being pretty.
I have written out a list a while ago about what I want in a man and they are all inner qualities. I do list that I want an attractive man, but that is general and it is not limiting because what I find attractive can be broad. Some people get so fussy about what they want physically but it is nuts. They want someone who is a certain height or with certain eye colours and it's largely superficial. Then they wonder why they are single.
It's the old, don't judge a book by its cover.
I've been overlooked before by men and yes it probably did bother me but now at my age, I know that people that overlook me and do not appreciate me for the person I am are just a waste of my time. I can see my hotness and if others can't, they are just losers in my book (or dumb).
Monday, January 17, 2011
Love Triangle
Greetings all,
I have some drama to report in my personal life. Since I'm not into drama, I choose to no longer engage with the situation. Anyways, I am an assistant organizer for a group on meetup and it's for introverts. It's been interesting to meet so many introverts but the problem that happens is that they are too much like me in that they can be too quiet. I don't like being the one that initiates things but with a group that has the tendency to be quiet, sometimes you have to initiate conversations. Anyways sometimes it's easy to get people talking, especially if some of us are more extraverted introverts. I find some of them are extremely introverted whereas I am more balanced but still an introvert. I don't feel a need to talk all the time but then I am a doer so I would rather get active.
Well here's some of the drama. One guy I have a crush on. There really aren't too many guys that I like anyways and I use meetup for socializing, not pick up. He flirts back with me and one time tried to kiss me outside of my car as I was getting into my car. The problem with that was that I had the organizer of the group in my car as I was going to drive her home and I don't think it's appropriate to kiss someone for the first time if there is someone else there. So I didn't reciprocate the kiss. The organizer and I are friendly and she went with me to Scranton.
I went out with a few people from the group on Friday, outside of meetup and we hung out at Tim's and then they closed and we decided to go to someone's else. I cuddled the girl of the house as we have some bond. If we were lesbians, we probably would date. Then one of the guys left and it was the three of us. I cuddled with the guy I had a crush on for a while. Now I know I probably shouldn't have but I know in my mind that he probably isn't right for me. As my friend told me afterwards, he would be a Mr. Right Now, not Mr. Right. But I knew that and was hoping maybe to date for a bit to see where it goes. The thing with crushes is that sometimes they never lead anywhere but sometimes they may. He seemed to enjoy it and I did too. My friend was amused by our cuddling
The next day there was a meetup to go dancing. I organized it because my birthday was a few days ago. A few of us went and by the end of the night four of us were left. The organizer is pretty so most of the guys in our group think she is hot. I think she's pretty but I wouldn't call her hot. I'm not threatened either by her looks because I am fairly confident in myself. I know I was never a conventional beauty and I don't really think of myself as pretty but I know I'm hot and I think highly of myself. There's always going to be some girl out there who is prettier then me that all the guys flock to. Guys can be dumb sometimes. They get distracted by the pretty. Now the organizer isn't mean or anything. She's nice and quiet. I have nothing against her. I think she just needs more spunk, more fire. I think many people in that group need spunk and fire.
So the guy I have a crush on admitted while we were cuddling the other day that he likes the organizer. I didn't know what to make of that since I look at what a guy does, not what he says. He flirts with me a lot and was cuddling with me. Not saying there's a relationship and I don't feel entitled but there is obviously something there. Why are you cuddling me then if you like her? I wasn't sure if he was afraid to admit maybe he had a thing for me.
So he dances with me a bit and then dances with her a bit but probably more with me. And I thought at the time, maybe to not make her feel left out. At the end of the night they separate from the group and go off dancing. They are maybe 6 feet away from me and I was getting angry at the both of them. I kept it cool and then eventually they came back and I felt like leaving since it was late anyways. We did and he offered to drive us home. I said I'd just take the streetcar home because I didn't want a drive from him after how he acted. So he dropped her home and the other guy in the group was waiting with me at the streetcar stop.
I ended up talking the next day with the girl whose house we went to and let her know what happened. We hung out later on in the afternoon and she had people over and we had dinner. We talked about what was going on. I had thought about quitting and leaving the group because of this but I knew I couldn't just be impulsive and react. I do have to talk to the organizer first.
I think by the end of the night I probably felt more anger to the guy. I will have to speak to the organizer because maybe she just went with him and he was the one that 'dragged' her away from the rest of us. I definitely believe that women have to stick together and not let a man ruin their friendship but I will probably talk to her on Wednesday as I am a little angry and don't want to explode. Or maybe tonight. She is obviously aware of the flirting and thought maybe there was something going on. Last week some of us met up for coffee and we had learned they went to a movie together. Maybe she thought it was innocent but he probably is looking for more and is probably playing the both of us.
This guy is clearly a player and I definitely will not hang out with him anymore outside of the group. I know for me, I want a guy to pursue me, not be interested in more then one person. I want to be #1. I want someone who only has eyes for me and me only.
I don't think the organizer is interested in him so I now just think he is a bone head.
I've had this happen to me with my first boyfriend and I found out after things didn't work out that he was interested in my friend and tried to hit on her. This was the summer after we finished high school so I think what this guy is doing is just so high school and juvenile. I think guys don't realize that women talk to each other and some of them aren't stupid and trade information.
I certainly believe women have to stick together. Chicks before dicks is what I say. We can't let men get in the way of the friendship.
I have some drama to report in my personal life. Since I'm not into drama, I choose to no longer engage with the situation. Anyways, I am an assistant organizer for a group on meetup and it's for introverts. It's been interesting to meet so many introverts but the problem that happens is that they are too much like me in that they can be too quiet. I don't like being the one that initiates things but with a group that has the tendency to be quiet, sometimes you have to initiate conversations. Anyways sometimes it's easy to get people talking, especially if some of us are more extraverted introverts. I find some of them are extremely introverted whereas I am more balanced but still an introvert. I don't feel a need to talk all the time but then I am a doer so I would rather get active.
Well here's some of the drama. One guy I have a crush on. There really aren't too many guys that I like anyways and I use meetup for socializing, not pick up. He flirts back with me and one time tried to kiss me outside of my car as I was getting into my car. The problem with that was that I had the organizer of the group in my car as I was going to drive her home and I don't think it's appropriate to kiss someone for the first time if there is someone else there. So I didn't reciprocate the kiss. The organizer and I are friendly and she went with me to Scranton.
I went out with a few people from the group on Friday, outside of meetup and we hung out at Tim's and then they closed and we decided to go to someone's else. I cuddled the girl of the house as we have some bond. If we were lesbians, we probably would date. Then one of the guys left and it was the three of us. I cuddled with the guy I had a crush on for a while. Now I know I probably shouldn't have but I know in my mind that he probably isn't right for me. As my friend told me afterwards, he would be a Mr. Right Now, not Mr. Right. But I knew that and was hoping maybe to date for a bit to see where it goes. The thing with crushes is that sometimes they never lead anywhere but sometimes they may. He seemed to enjoy it and I did too. My friend was amused by our cuddling
The next day there was a meetup to go dancing. I organized it because my birthday was a few days ago. A few of us went and by the end of the night four of us were left. The organizer is pretty so most of the guys in our group think she is hot. I think she's pretty but I wouldn't call her hot. I'm not threatened either by her looks because I am fairly confident in myself. I know I was never a conventional beauty and I don't really think of myself as pretty but I know I'm hot and I think highly of myself. There's always going to be some girl out there who is prettier then me that all the guys flock to. Guys can be dumb sometimes. They get distracted by the pretty. Now the organizer isn't mean or anything. She's nice and quiet. I have nothing against her. I think she just needs more spunk, more fire. I think many people in that group need spunk and fire.
So the guy I have a crush on admitted while we were cuddling the other day that he likes the organizer. I didn't know what to make of that since I look at what a guy does, not what he says. He flirts with me a lot and was cuddling with me. Not saying there's a relationship and I don't feel entitled but there is obviously something there. Why are you cuddling me then if you like her? I wasn't sure if he was afraid to admit maybe he had a thing for me.
So he dances with me a bit and then dances with her a bit but probably more with me. And I thought at the time, maybe to not make her feel left out. At the end of the night they separate from the group and go off dancing. They are maybe 6 feet away from me and I was getting angry at the both of them. I kept it cool and then eventually they came back and I felt like leaving since it was late anyways. We did and he offered to drive us home. I said I'd just take the streetcar home because I didn't want a drive from him after how he acted. So he dropped her home and the other guy in the group was waiting with me at the streetcar stop.
I ended up talking the next day with the girl whose house we went to and let her know what happened. We hung out later on in the afternoon and she had people over and we had dinner. We talked about what was going on. I had thought about quitting and leaving the group because of this but I knew I couldn't just be impulsive and react. I do have to talk to the organizer first.
I think by the end of the night I probably felt more anger to the guy. I will have to speak to the organizer because maybe she just went with him and he was the one that 'dragged' her away from the rest of us. I definitely believe that women have to stick together and not let a man ruin their friendship but I will probably talk to her on Wednesday as I am a little angry and don't want to explode. Or maybe tonight. She is obviously aware of the flirting and thought maybe there was something going on. Last week some of us met up for coffee and we had learned they went to a movie together. Maybe she thought it was innocent but he probably is looking for more and is probably playing the both of us.
This guy is clearly a player and I definitely will not hang out with him anymore outside of the group. I know for me, I want a guy to pursue me, not be interested in more then one person. I want to be #1. I want someone who only has eyes for me and me only.
I don't think the organizer is interested in him so I now just think he is a bone head.
I've had this happen to me with my first boyfriend and I found out after things didn't work out that he was interested in my friend and tried to hit on her. This was the summer after we finished high school so I think what this guy is doing is just so high school and juvenile. I think guys don't realize that women talk to each other and some of them aren't stupid and trade information.
I certainly believe women have to stick together. Chicks before dicks is what I say. We can't let men get in the way of the friendship.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Sat Nam Rasayan
Greetings all,
I had mentioned that I am practicing Sat Nam Rasayan(SNR), which is basically a healing technique in kundalini yoga. It is different from Reiki in that there is no exchanging of energy and it is about not reacting when working on a partner and just being observant and being in the state of shuniya, which means to be neutral.
I took a workshop by Hari Nam Singh back in October and he is coming again back in Toronto, which I will probably take. Someone in the workshop asked if it could be arranged to practice this and so eventually that got started up so on Sundays I go and practice the meditations and the partner work that we did in the workshop. The workshop was 3 hours but the practice session is 1.5 hours so some things get shortened.
We get to practice the 3 meditations given in the workshop and in between, we would work with a partner. We sit next to them and then put ourselves into the meditative state.
I find the experience almost puzzling, because a few times I would have some weird experiences being in the healer position. For example, last week I was coughing at the end of the session. We had an odd number so 3 of us were in a group. The week before that my head felt like it was hardening and that I felt something was pushing my head to the right. My head wasn't moving but I was just experiencing this weird sensation in my head, which I don't understand. Is this a reaction to my partner? I feel as well that I am being healed while I am in the healer position, which is probably what I find most puzzling about this practice. I had emailed the instructor and basically he said to just accept the feeling. I know for me, I want more of an explanation of what is going on.
According to SNR, what causes sickness or suffering is how our body reacts to the stimulus outside. So we only really perceive our reactions to things. I find there is some truth to this. I have noticed practicing this is helping to take my practice to another level and that I observing more how my mind reacts to various events.
The other concept as well that we learn through practicing is that we can affect change to the person who needs the healing through the deep meditative and observing state. I think if we realize that we create all these problems just because of how we react to things. If we just learn to be still and relax and not react, we might actually have less problems in the world.
I had mentioned that I am practicing Sat Nam Rasayan(SNR), which is basically a healing technique in kundalini yoga. It is different from Reiki in that there is no exchanging of energy and it is about not reacting when working on a partner and just being observant and being in the state of shuniya, which means to be neutral.
I took a workshop by Hari Nam Singh back in October and he is coming again back in Toronto, which I will probably take. Someone in the workshop asked if it could be arranged to practice this and so eventually that got started up so on Sundays I go and practice the meditations and the partner work that we did in the workshop. The workshop was 3 hours but the practice session is 1.5 hours so some things get shortened.
We get to practice the 3 meditations given in the workshop and in between, we would work with a partner. We sit next to them and then put ourselves into the meditative state.
I find the experience almost puzzling, because a few times I would have some weird experiences being in the healer position. For example, last week I was coughing at the end of the session. We had an odd number so 3 of us were in a group. The week before that my head felt like it was hardening and that I felt something was pushing my head to the right. My head wasn't moving but I was just experiencing this weird sensation in my head, which I don't understand. Is this a reaction to my partner? I feel as well that I am being healed while I am in the healer position, which is probably what I find most puzzling about this practice. I had emailed the instructor and basically he said to just accept the feeling. I know for me, I want more of an explanation of what is going on.
According to SNR, what causes sickness or suffering is how our body reacts to the stimulus outside. So we only really perceive our reactions to things. I find there is some truth to this. I have noticed practicing this is helping to take my practice to another level and that I observing more how my mind reacts to various events.
The other concept as well that we learn through practicing is that we can affect change to the person who needs the healing through the deep meditative and observing state. I think if we realize that we create all these problems just because of how we react to things. If we just learn to be still and relax and not react, we might actually have less problems in the world.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Dream
Greetings all,
This is my first post of the new year. Happy New Years! I had a dream on the Epiphany that I went to the Summer Solstice event in New Mexico and my dad was there. I took that as a sign that maybe I should go to the Summer event since I went to the Winter event.
I had another weird dream the other day where Will Smith was wanting to have sex with me. He was rather persistent and I had told him no. I was tempted but I told him no since he was already married. I wonder what this means. I'm not really attracted to Will Smith in real life but find him funny and was a fan of his show The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.
I was telling my friend that now that I've gone so long without sex that I've hit that threshold where now I don't obsess about it or care for it. I just give up I guess in my search. What happens is that I hit a certain point where I can't take having it anymore and then I have dreams about it, which further aggravates my sexual frustration.
I do not like being sexually inactive. My body is hot and I am just getting older. It's a waste that no one is taking advantage of it. I'm just not living to my sexual potential.
I've tried looking and the process is as frustrating as finding a boyfriend. The truth is men don't just fuck anyone. Men just act like, we'll fuck anything that moves and that is bullshit. They have to be drunk probably to fuck anything that moves.
I'm currently on eharmony for 3 months but I might just cancel it as I feel I can't be bothered to find a man. I have other things to concern myself with and I've lost a lot of motivation in finding someone. It just seems like an impossible task.
This is my first post of the new year. Happy New Years! I had a dream on the Epiphany that I went to the Summer Solstice event in New Mexico and my dad was there. I took that as a sign that maybe I should go to the Summer event since I went to the Winter event.
I had another weird dream the other day where Will Smith was wanting to have sex with me. He was rather persistent and I had told him no. I was tempted but I told him no since he was already married. I wonder what this means. I'm not really attracted to Will Smith in real life but find him funny and was a fan of his show The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.
I was telling my friend that now that I've gone so long without sex that I've hit that threshold where now I don't obsess about it or care for it. I just give up I guess in my search. What happens is that I hit a certain point where I can't take having it anymore and then I have dreams about it, which further aggravates my sexual frustration.
I do not like being sexually inactive. My body is hot and I am just getting older. It's a waste that no one is taking advantage of it. I'm just not living to my sexual potential.
I've tried looking and the process is as frustrating as finding a boyfriend. The truth is men don't just fuck anyone. Men just act like, we'll fuck anything that moves and that is bullshit. They have to be drunk probably to fuck anything that moves.
I'm currently on eharmony for 3 months but I might just cancel it as I feel I can't be bothered to find a man. I have other things to concern myself with and I've lost a lot of motivation in finding someone. It just seems like an impossible task.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Key Chain
Greetings all,
I was at the Hamilton airport earlier last week as I was flying to Florida. I had purchased a key chain that I found there. It lists a birthday and then says what traits go with that. My birthday is January 13 and it describes those born on that day as follows:
Those born on January 13 are very goal oriented and strive for upward mobility; devoted to self-improvement, often having a remarkable memory and great sense of optimism. They can be opinionated and stubborn yet are lively and never boring.
I had thought this described me to a tee, especially the last sentence since I am opinionated and lively. I think because I have a good memory as well, people might see that if I bring something up from the past, it means I am petty. It does not. It just means I remember things accurately. I am just gifted with a good memory.
I was at the Hamilton airport earlier last week as I was flying to Florida. I had purchased a key chain that I found there. It lists a birthday and then says what traits go with that. My birthday is January 13 and it describes those born on that day as follows:
Those born on January 13 are very goal oriented and strive for upward mobility; devoted to self-improvement, often having a remarkable memory and great sense of optimism. They can be opinionated and stubborn yet are lively and never boring.
I had thought this described me to a tee, especially the last sentence since I am opinionated and lively. I think because I have a good memory as well, people might see that if I bring something up from the past, it means I am petty. It does not. It just means I remember things accurately. I am just gifted with a good memory.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Winter Solstice
Greetings all,
I decided to take a week off and participate in a kundalini yoga winter solstice event. It takes place in Florida so it was a chance for me to get some sunlight and take a spiritual vacation as well.
I was tired a lot as 3 of the days were spent doing white tantric yoga where we have a partner. In the mornings we did 3 62 minute meditations and the afternoon was around 2 62 minutes meditations and maybe one or 2 31 minute meditations. There were slight variations during the 3 days with the number of meditations we were doing. We did different ones too and didn't repeat them. Most of them involved locking eyes with our partner. I noticed by the end of the last meditation that I felt pain more on my right side. According to yogic philosophy, the right side is the male energy and left is female so right is about giving and left is about receiving. I might have to work on being more giving and clearing the blocks. I'll probably ask the email group I am in about this to get some more experienced perspective. I heard some people experienced a lot of emotions coming up during the first day but for me, since I did a lot of clearing at home this year, I didn't have that sort of experience. I probably felt more physical pain rather then emotional pain. My mind was fairly calm during the 3 days. After the first day I had a pain in my right hip and on the third day during a meditation some pain was experienced around my right shoulder. They were offering workshops during the rest of the days and in one workshop, I noticed again there was some pain and discomfort on my right shoulder area.
At the end of the tantric portion, I felt I had to really muster my strength to do the second last meditation as the last one just involved holding our partner's hand so that was easy. I felt at the 2nd last one while on break, the concept of 'all for one and one for all'.
I feel pretty good now and had a great time. I think with all the kriyas and meditations we did, it'll take a few days to process all that energy. I really liked it since the week before Christmas, people get all stressed about buying gifts and they waste so much energy on materialism when this time of year (the winter solstice) has so much spiritual energy. It's too bad people are not sensitive to that but get suckered into the nonsense.
I sent out a lot of resumes the week before I left so I saw that someone called me so I will have to call them back to arrange for an interview.
I miss the sun though. It's dark here in Hamilton as I am staying at le Hotel Parents and there's some snow here. But it's good to be back in 'civilization'
There was the option of camping in a tent or staying in a cabin but I chose to tent it. It was cold at night but my sleeping bag was warm once I realized that if I put my blanket inside my bag, it would help. The first night I had my blanket over my bag and I think the heat is retained better once it was inside.
The next day after we finished the 3 days of white tantric yoga, a woman who was tenting near me was yelling at I am guessing her boyfriend. I guess work like this can bring out stuff you don't want to deal with and she was basically complaining about the relationship and called him an asshole. I was laughing a bit to myself as I thought this was not really the appropriate way to handle your anger, especially in a spiritual environment. I didn't hear the man yell back...
I had thought if he's an asshole, then why are you with him? Take responsibility for your choice in a man.
They have a summer solstice event in New Mexico and usually more people show up, usually over 2000 people. Here there was probably around 500.
As an introvert, I found it hard to socialize as there was so many people it's overwhelming. I met one woman from my previous retreat in Atlanta so I was more chatty with her. I think if I were to see these people again I might open up more. The conversation usually was just about where are you from, how long have you been doing kundalini. Nothing really too deep.
You have to do 'karma' yoga as well to help out and mine was being a veggie chopper. I managed to survive a week without internet, Nutella and no meat. I had thought I had an internet addiction but I guess it's just a habit since I can survive without it. We had a special Christmas eve dinner. On the white tantric days we got a vegetarian burger so that was a nice change. We basically ate the same foods every day. Breakfast was a soup made with onions, potatoes and celery. Dinner was mung beans, hot sauce (basically something made with onions), beets (which I didn't eat) and salad. Lunch was quinoa tabuleh and potatoes.
I brought chocolate raisins as a snack and they had a bazaar so I managed to finish my chocolate and bought some organic chocolate and kale chips, which were actually tasty.
Overall I enjoyed myself even though I didn't do too much socializing.
I decided to take a week off and participate in a kundalini yoga winter solstice event. It takes place in Florida so it was a chance for me to get some sunlight and take a spiritual vacation as well.
I was tired a lot as 3 of the days were spent doing white tantric yoga where we have a partner. In the mornings we did 3 62 minute meditations and the afternoon was around 2 62 minutes meditations and maybe one or 2 31 minute meditations. There were slight variations during the 3 days with the number of meditations we were doing. We did different ones too and didn't repeat them. Most of them involved locking eyes with our partner. I noticed by the end of the last meditation that I felt pain more on my right side. According to yogic philosophy, the right side is the male energy and left is female so right is about giving and left is about receiving. I might have to work on being more giving and clearing the blocks. I'll probably ask the email group I am in about this to get some more experienced perspective. I heard some people experienced a lot of emotions coming up during the first day but for me, since I did a lot of clearing at home this year, I didn't have that sort of experience. I probably felt more physical pain rather then emotional pain. My mind was fairly calm during the 3 days. After the first day I had a pain in my right hip and on the third day during a meditation some pain was experienced around my right shoulder. They were offering workshops during the rest of the days and in one workshop, I noticed again there was some pain and discomfort on my right shoulder area.
At the end of the tantric portion, I felt I had to really muster my strength to do the second last meditation as the last one just involved holding our partner's hand so that was easy. I felt at the 2nd last one while on break, the concept of 'all for one and one for all'.
I feel pretty good now and had a great time. I think with all the kriyas and meditations we did, it'll take a few days to process all that energy. I really liked it since the week before Christmas, people get all stressed about buying gifts and they waste so much energy on materialism when this time of year (the winter solstice) has so much spiritual energy. It's too bad people are not sensitive to that but get suckered into the nonsense.
I sent out a lot of resumes the week before I left so I saw that someone called me so I will have to call them back to arrange for an interview.
I miss the sun though. It's dark here in Hamilton as I am staying at le Hotel Parents and there's some snow here. But it's good to be back in 'civilization'
There was the option of camping in a tent or staying in a cabin but I chose to tent it. It was cold at night but my sleeping bag was warm once I realized that if I put my blanket inside my bag, it would help. The first night I had my blanket over my bag and I think the heat is retained better once it was inside.
The next day after we finished the 3 days of white tantric yoga, a woman who was tenting near me was yelling at I am guessing her boyfriend. I guess work like this can bring out stuff you don't want to deal with and she was basically complaining about the relationship and called him an asshole. I was laughing a bit to myself as I thought this was not really the appropriate way to handle your anger, especially in a spiritual environment. I didn't hear the man yell back...
I had thought if he's an asshole, then why are you with him? Take responsibility for your choice in a man.
They have a summer solstice event in New Mexico and usually more people show up, usually over 2000 people. Here there was probably around 500.
As an introvert, I found it hard to socialize as there was so many people it's overwhelming. I met one woman from my previous retreat in Atlanta so I was more chatty with her. I think if I were to see these people again I might open up more. The conversation usually was just about where are you from, how long have you been doing kundalini. Nothing really too deep.
You have to do 'karma' yoga as well to help out and mine was being a veggie chopper. I managed to survive a week without internet, Nutella and no meat. I had thought I had an internet addiction but I guess it's just a habit since I can survive without it. We had a special Christmas eve dinner. On the white tantric days we got a vegetarian burger so that was a nice change. We basically ate the same foods every day. Breakfast was a soup made with onions, potatoes and celery. Dinner was mung beans, hot sauce (basically something made with onions), beets (which I didn't eat) and salad. Lunch was quinoa tabuleh and potatoes.
I brought chocolate raisins as a snack and they had a bazaar so I managed to finish my chocolate and bought some organic chocolate and kale chips, which were actually tasty.
Overall I enjoyed myself even though I didn't do too much socializing.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Men
Greetings all,
More thoughts on men from me. I think this was the year I was hoping to find the right man and it looks like that didn't happen. When I thought about it, it bothered me. How many years have I been wanting to find the right man and it doesn't happen? I just think now I don't care anymore. I don't know if that's a sign of maturity or a sign that I just don't think it will happen.
I don't have a lot of guys after me and it makes me wonder. I mean, I know I am good looking and I think I'm great but you would think that would translate into having a lot of suitors, which is not the case for me. Some people seem surprised I am single but I'm not desperate and am not just going to settle. Sometimes I think I should but it's not really my style.
I'm just trying to listen to my intuition but I am not getting any clear signals. I think I am wasting my time on on-line dating and I doubt I will be successful but I will try anyways. I am least want to feel like I am doing something and being proactive.
More thoughts on men from me. I think this was the year I was hoping to find the right man and it looks like that didn't happen. When I thought about it, it bothered me. How many years have I been wanting to find the right man and it doesn't happen? I just think now I don't care anymore. I don't know if that's a sign of maturity or a sign that I just don't think it will happen.
I don't have a lot of guys after me and it makes me wonder. I mean, I know I am good looking and I think I'm great but you would think that would translate into having a lot of suitors, which is not the case for me. Some people seem surprised I am single but I'm not desperate and am not just going to settle. Sometimes I think I should but it's not really my style.
I'm just trying to listen to my intuition but I am not getting any clear signals. I think I am wasting my time on on-line dating and I doubt I will be successful but I will try anyways. I am least want to feel like I am doing something and being proactive.
Parents
Greetings all,
My parents annoy me. I had went down to visit them this weekend as we had a family lunch in honour of my grandma who passed away since we would usually get together on her birthday and celebrate Christmas as a family with my aunt and uncle and my 2 cousins and their family.
I as well had a sleep study done which I didn't like. My doctor is making me take this since I have went back in September to see her about feeling sleepy. I had blood work done and do have low iron. I know it's seasonal affective disorder since I feel normal around March since the days are getting longer again.
First of all, the sleep clinic called me a few weeks before the appointment but they never left a message. I thought this was strange since no one called to confirm my appointment the week before. When I got there they said I wasn't on the list. I had told them that no one left a message, I just saw they called. Their notes said someone left a message. Obviously this means that someone didn't do their job!
Luckily there was a bed available for me. I had to wait quite a while before the technician started getting me ready. I had all these wires hooked up to my head and then I had one wire on each leg and two on my chest. I had some piece on my left index finger which measures oxygen levels. I get some nose test shoved up my nose and then I get some mic attached tot check if I snore.
Now I normally sleep at midnight and wake up at 8. I think I went to bed by 11 and I would be woken up by 6. I don't know how long it took me to fall asleep but I woke up probably around 5. I didn't know what time it was as I was trying to get back to sleep but then the technician came in to wake me up.
We had to fill out a questionnaire and one of the questions was how was your sleep, was it better or worse then usual. I wrote that yes my sleep was worse than usual but it was because of all the wires. How can you sleep like that?
I won't find out for a few weeks what the results are. I was asking my technician about the job and I find it ironic that they work nights and can't sleep in order to test our sleeping.
Anyways, this brings me back to my parents and how they annoy me. I stayed with my parents another night and for supper my mother made ravioli soup. I was eating my salad and continued to use my fork to eat the soup. My mother was getting upset at me and wondered why I wasn't using a spoon. I said, what's the big deal as ravioli is something you can eat with a fork or spoon. She was saying how I need to drink the broth with a spoon and then I said I can just drink from the bowl. Then somehow this conversation led to how my mother thinks I am difficult and that I can't get along with people.
I challenged her conventional belief and I still don't know how we got onto this topic. I mean, really why can't she just accept that this was how I chose to eat my soup in this moment of time. She had to be a brat and comment on it.
I frankly would not want to be with a man like my mother. I want to be accepted for who I am not lectured or made to feel bad all because of how I eat my soup. How trivial! Here I am trying to understand the world and what kind of contribution I can make to society and she demonstrates this petty mentality.
My dad as well complains that I don't eat enough vegetables. All the time. Hey I eat what I want to eat. Then he complains about the holes I have in my socks. Some of my socks have developed holes and I have taken my sweet time in getting rid of them mainly because I don't like throwing things out.
I don't nag them like they nag me. I don't like how my mother is obsessed with food and acquiring food books. I don't nag my dad about the smoking that he does and how he should quit or how he watches too much tv.
We all know nagging doesn't work. And when you nag it just means you don't accept the person for whom they are. I guess I will have to nag them about how they nag too much.
My parents annoy me. I had went down to visit them this weekend as we had a family lunch in honour of my grandma who passed away since we would usually get together on her birthday and celebrate Christmas as a family with my aunt and uncle and my 2 cousins and their family.
I as well had a sleep study done which I didn't like. My doctor is making me take this since I have went back in September to see her about feeling sleepy. I had blood work done and do have low iron. I know it's seasonal affective disorder since I feel normal around March since the days are getting longer again.
First of all, the sleep clinic called me a few weeks before the appointment but they never left a message. I thought this was strange since no one called to confirm my appointment the week before. When I got there they said I wasn't on the list. I had told them that no one left a message, I just saw they called. Their notes said someone left a message. Obviously this means that someone didn't do their job!
Luckily there was a bed available for me. I had to wait quite a while before the technician started getting me ready. I had all these wires hooked up to my head and then I had one wire on each leg and two on my chest. I had some piece on my left index finger which measures oxygen levels. I get some nose test shoved up my nose and then I get some mic attached tot check if I snore.
Now I normally sleep at midnight and wake up at 8. I think I went to bed by 11 and I would be woken up by 6. I don't know how long it took me to fall asleep but I woke up probably around 5. I didn't know what time it was as I was trying to get back to sleep but then the technician came in to wake me up.
We had to fill out a questionnaire and one of the questions was how was your sleep, was it better or worse then usual. I wrote that yes my sleep was worse than usual but it was because of all the wires. How can you sleep like that?
I won't find out for a few weeks what the results are. I was asking my technician about the job and I find it ironic that they work nights and can't sleep in order to test our sleeping.
Anyways, this brings me back to my parents and how they annoy me. I stayed with my parents another night and for supper my mother made ravioli soup. I was eating my salad and continued to use my fork to eat the soup. My mother was getting upset at me and wondered why I wasn't using a spoon. I said, what's the big deal as ravioli is something you can eat with a fork or spoon. She was saying how I need to drink the broth with a spoon and then I said I can just drink from the bowl. Then somehow this conversation led to how my mother thinks I am difficult and that I can't get along with people.
I challenged her conventional belief and I still don't know how we got onto this topic. I mean, really why can't she just accept that this was how I chose to eat my soup in this moment of time. She had to be a brat and comment on it.
I frankly would not want to be with a man like my mother. I want to be accepted for who I am not lectured or made to feel bad all because of how I eat my soup. How trivial! Here I am trying to understand the world and what kind of contribution I can make to society and she demonstrates this petty mentality.
My dad as well complains that I don't eat enough vegetables. All the time. Hey I eat what I want to eat. Then he complains about the holes I have in my socks. Some of my socks have developed holes and I have taken my sweet time in getting rid of them mainly because I don't like throwing things out.
I don't nag them like they nag me. I don't like how my mother is obsessed with food and acquiring food books. I don't nag my dad about the smoking that he does and how he should quit or how he watches too much tv.
We all know nagging doesn't work. And when you nag it just means you don't accept the person for whom they are. I guess I will have to nag them about how they nag too much.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Eharmony
Greetings all,
I am back on eharmony, although just for 3 months. I noticed they had a 3 month special so I thought I'd try it again since I did meet someone whom I liked although it never went anywhere since he lived in England and didn't seem serious about wanting a relationship. I know on the site there are people who start out long distance and it works out so I decided to not limit my search. Most of my matches are local anyways. So far no dates yet.
I've had a few people close me out and it does suck to be rejected. I am the woman, I am the one who is supposed to reject!
Some guys I thought maybe would be interesting to meet but they would close me as a match. I wonder if some of them are making a mistake by judging so prematurely. How can you really be certain that you are picking the right people online? How do you know if you are rejecting someone who might be right for you?
I've tried online dating for so long and I know it does work. I am okay with being alone and I think I just don't care anymore if I find someone. I'm not really sure if I feel negative about my chances about finding the right person
I am back on eharmony, although just for 3 months. I noticed they had a 3 month special so I thought I'd try it again since I did meet someone whom I liked although it never went anywhere since he lived in England and didn't seem serious about wanting a relationship. I know on the site there are people who start out long distance and it works out so I decided to not limit my search. Most of my matches are local anyways. So far no dates yet.
I've had a few people close me out and it does suck to be rejected. I am the woman, I am the one who is supposed to reject!
Some guys I thought maybe would be interesting to meet but they would close me as a match. I wonder if some of them are making a mistake by judging so prematurely. How can you really be certain that you are picking the right people online? How do you know if you are rejecting someone who might be right for you?
I've tried online dating for so long and I know it does work. I am okay with being alone and I think I just don't care anymore if I find someone. I'm not really sure if I feel negative about my chances about finding the right person
Let's Get Physical
Greetings all,
I noticed when I took advantage of my free week at a fitness center for women that it made me feel better doing some cardio and physical workouts. I enjoy doing kundalini and it definitely has some physical benefits but doing more high intensity workouts gave me a bit of a boost.
My seasonal affective disorder is making me so sleepy that at 1.30 I was yawning. I think I was still sleepy when I worked out but at least I felt a bit energized.
I think I've decided that I'll take advantage of other gyms that offer group classes like zumba or cardio. So far the few I've looked at give you a 7 day trial or a 3 day so I think I will try that since I have to watch my money since I am still looking for work.
* * *
Last week I had a job interview so it's been my second in my search. Tomorrow I have a phone interview with another company so we will see how that happens. I am so bored with myself so I just want to work again and have more money coming in.
I noticed when I took advantage of my free week at a fitness center for women that it made me feel better doing some cardio and physical workouts. I enjoy doing kundalini and it definitely has some physical benefits but doing more high intensity workouts gave me a bit of a boost.
My seasonal affective disorder is making me so sleepy that at 1.30 I was yawning. I think I was still sleepy when I worked out but at least I felt a bit energized.
I think I've decided that I'll take advantage of other gyms that offer group classes like zumba or cardio. So far the few I've looked at give you a 7 day trial or a 3 day so I think I will try that since I have to watch my money since I am still looking for work.
Last week I had a job interview so it's been my second in my search. Tomorrow I have a phone interview with another company so we will see how that happens. I am so bored with myself so I just want to work again and have more money coming in.
Saturday, December 04, 2010
The Boards
Greetings all,
I'm sure I've written about how I am on some board for women to talk about relationships. I think I have mentioned there were primarily 2 people who seemed to get everyone the most riled up and seem to be the rudest. They happen to be good friends as well on the board so they haven't turned against each other.
I probably am more sympathetic to one of them as I think she is probably more intelligent and so I am less offended by her whereas the other to me seems like a red neck. She has bragged at one time that she slept with so many famous musicians when she was young as she was a groupie and she was quite proud of this 'accomplishment'. Frankly I don't understand why banging so many men is an accomplishment because it's not. Just because they are famous doesn't mean anything. If you follow them around enough they'll give in just because you're there, not because you are special.
This woman annoys me the most. I guess my previous post was about another woman who lives in England. These 2 live in Texas (although not originally from there) so it just reinforces all the negative stereotypes we Canadians have of Americans (namely they are dumb and violent, which is not always the case).
She recently put up a post apologizing to people on the board. I initially thought it was a bogus apology but didn't say anything for a few days. I had enough of her posts and didn't see a change and had to comment. As well there was previous discussion about getting a moderator and since these 2 people are primarily the trouble makers, I had figured the woman who owns the board probably spoke to them and she just posted the apology as a good faith act to show that she isn't a complete bitch.
Lo and behold, all these people comment on this thread and my one 'negative' comment lead to much discussion, which I hadn't followed. I guess I am assuming I stirred the pot. I think I am entitled to expressing my opinion if I think an apology is a bogus one. I think it's more important to act sorry and change your behaviour. How many politicians apologize and it's meaningless? In improv a rule is: show me don't tell me.
This woman to me, has to show us she is sorry. Words don't mean anything. I think I have the right to be skeptical towards her. I have good reason. I have seen how nasty and pompous she can be on the boards. People just need to accept the fact that when you apologize, maybe not everyone is going to accept it. It's their right. You as the apologizer have to accept this and keep on living your life and maybe they will turn around and start believing you. I only trust people when I see their actions match their words. When I don't see the actions match the words, I don't give them anything. They are not worth my energy. People seem to forget that they have to earn respect. You can't abuse people and then suddenly think they will forgive you if you say a few little words. Words hurt. Sometimes people say, oh it's just a board. As true as that it, there are people behind these boards. Some are being real and others just use it as a place to hide.
I am starting to wonder why I go on the boards. In my real life, I have no drama and make no excuses for drama. But here there is some drama and I try to not engage in it but sometimes I just have to speak out about what I perceive is crossing the line or bullshit.
Lately, I have been having a hard time with my seasonal affective disorder and being out of work so I am more prone to irritableness but there is a difference between someone being a nice person with bitchy moments and someone who is a bitch with nice moments. I think I am the former and the other woman, the later.
I will have to think about what I get out of that board. I just don't understand some of the cattiness. I know I've been annoyed by some people but I really see an injustice and so have to speak out.
I'm sure I've written about how I am on some board for women to talk about relationships. I think I have mentioned there were primarily 2 people who seemed to get everyone the most riled up and seem to be the rudest. They happen to be good friends as well on the board so they haven't turned against each other.
I probably am more sympathetic to one of them as I think she is probably more intelligent and so I am less offended by her whereas the other to me seems like a red neck. She has bragged at one time that she slept with so many famous musicians when she was young as she was a groupie and she was quite proud of this 'accomplishment'. Frankly I don't understand why banging so many men is an accomplishment because it's not. Just because they are famous doesn't mean anything. If you follow them around enough they'll give in just because you're there, not because you are special.
This woman annoys me the most. I guess my previous post was about another woman who lives in England. These 2 live in Texas (although not originally from there) so it just reinforces all the negative stereotypes we Canadians have of Americans (namely they are dumb and violent, which is not always the case).
She recently put up a post apologizing to people on the board. I initially thought it was a bogus apology but didn't say anything for a few days. I had enough of her posts and didn't see a change and had to comment. As well there was previous discussion about getting a moderator and since these 2 people are primarily the trouble makers, I had figured the woman who owns the board probably spoke to them and she just posted the apology as a good faith act to show that she isn't a complete bitch.
Lo and behold, all these people comment on this thread and my one 'negative' comment lead to much discussion, which I hadn't followed. I guess I am assuming I stirred the pot. I think I am entitled to expressing my opinion if I think an apology is a bogus one. I think it's more important to act sorry and change your behaviour. How many politicians apologize and it's meaningless? In improv a rule is: show me don't tell me.
This woman to me, has to show us she is sorry. Words don't mean anything. I think I have the right to be skeptical towards her. I have good reason. I have seen how nasty and pompous she can be on the boards. People just need to accept the fact that when you apologize, maybe not everyone is going to accept it. It's their right. You as the apologizer have to accept this and keep on living your life and maybe they will turn around and start believing you. I only trust people when I see their actions match their words. When I don't see the actions match the words, I don't give them anything. They are not worth my energy. People seem to forget that they have to earn respect. You can't abuse people and then suddenly think they will forgive you if you say a few little words. Words hurt. Sometimes people say, oh it's just a board. As true as that it, there are people behind these boards. Some are being real and others just use it as a place to hide.
I am starting to wonder why I go on the boards. In my real life, I have no drama and make no excuses for drama. But here there is some drama and I try to not engage in it but sometimes I just have to speak out about what I perceive is crossing the line or bullshit.
Lately, I have been having a hard time with my seasonal affective disorder and being out of work so I am more prone to irritableness but there is a difference between someone being a nice person with bitchy moments and someone who is a bitch with nice moments. I think I am the former and the other woman, the later.
I will have to think about what I get out of that board. I just don't understand some of the cattiness. I know I've been annoyed by some people but I really see an injustice and so have to speak out.
Friday, December 03, 2010
Deserted
Greetings all,
I have had another rough week. I am getting tired of job searching and I am losing faith that my life will ever improve. In other words, I feel deserted. I feel like the universe has abandoned me. I have not heard from any employer for an interview. Nothing from temp agencies. Just this silence.
I applied for the Toronto Fringe festival but I never got a spot. I should take this as a sign that I should just quit. Why bother trying anymore?
I hate my ex-boss for letting me go. Am I just singled out because I'm single? Do they think it's easier for a single person to be unemployed then someone with a family? Because it's not. At least if I had a family, I'd have a husband to support me emotionally and mentally. On my own, I just have me and I have not much to give.
What do you want from me world? Why does my life meet with constant frustration? Why are others leading better lives? Why am I living in poverty? When will my needs be met?
I have had another rough week. I am getting tired of job searching and I am losing faith that my life will ever improve. In other words, I feel deserted. I feel like the universe has abandoned me. I have not heard from any employer for an interview. Nothing from temp agencies. Just this silence.
I applied for the Toronto Fringe festival but I never got a spot. I should take this as a sign that I should just quit. Why bother trying anymore?
I hate my ex-boss for letting me go. Am I just singled out because I'm single? Do they think it's easier for a single person to be unemployed then someone with a family? Because it's not. At least if I had a family, I'd have a husband to support me emotionally and mentally. On my own, I just have me and I have not much to give.
What do you want from me world? Why does my life meet with constant frustration? Why are others leading better lives? Why am I living in poverty? When will my needs be met?
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Annoying Neighbor Part 2
Greetings all,
My elderly neighbor has been bothering me again. Last week she had to go to the rehab centre across the street and she asked me to take her, which I agreed to, mainly out of guilt. She wanted me to stay with her which I thought was ridiculous. I may be out of work but I have my own life. I don't think this was fair how she has been treating me.
I had spoken to the super and she had said she's given her information on government services that can help her but she didn't seem to take the suggestions. It's not my responsibility to help her. She has no family and her sisters live in Winnipeg (so she says).
I've seen ads about abuse towards the elderly but they do not talk about how the elderly abuse others. She came by my place again today and asked me to take her to the rehab centre. I gave her some phone numbers to contact and she was getting mad and not listening to me. I refused to help her this time around and she said I was not going to go to heaven.
I'm just going to have to ignore her. I am hoping she leaves me alone. This is abuse as far as I am concerned. She has no right to harass me. She seems to have this entitlement mentality and she has to realize that there are resources for her and she's going to have to utilize them and stop pestering the neighbors.
I had spoken to the super again today and she said she already told her a few days ago to not bother me. I guess she didn't listen. I really have zero tolerance for this type of drama. Why do some of these elders think they can place these unrealistic expectations on others?
I will just have to ignore her. It makes me regret helping her with small favours in the first place because now she just thinks she can ask me for anything and that I will not object. I think all of this could have been avoided had I not been willing to help her with small things. Sometimes with some people, once you give them help once, they expect it always. The ol' give 'em an inch and they take a mile.
My elderly neighbor has been bothering me again. Last week she had to go to the rehab centre across the street and she asked me to take her, which I agreed to, mainly out of guilt. She wanted me to stay with her which I thought was ridiculous. I may be out of work but I have my own life. I don't think this was fair how she has been treating me.
I had spoken to the super and she had said she's given her information on government services that can help her but she didn't seem to take the suggestions. It's not my responsibility to help her. She has no family and her sisters live in Winnipeg (so she says).
I've seen ads about abuse towards the elderly but they do not talk about how the elderly abuse others. She came by my place again today and asked me to take her to the rehab centre. I gave her some phone numbers to contact and she was getting mad and not listening to me. I refused to help her this time around and she said I was not going to go to heaven.
I'm just going to have to ignore her. I am hoping she leaves me alone. This is abuse as far as I am concerned. She has no right to harass me. She seems to have this entitlement mentality and she has to realize that there are resources for her and she's going to have to utilize them and stop pestering the neighbors.
I had spoken to the super again today and she said she already told her a few days ago to not bother me. I guess she didn't listen. I really have zero tolerance for this type of drama. Why do some of these elders think they can place these unrealistic expectations on others?
I will just have to ignore her. It makes me regret helping her with small favours in the first place because now she just thinks she can ask me for anything and that I will not object. I think all of this could have been avoided had I not been willing to help her with small things. Sometimes with some people, once you give them help once, they expect it always. The ol' give 'em an inch and they take a mile.
Greetings all,
I was at a mixed drinks convention back in the summer where you basically get to sample all sorts of different alcoholic drinks. I'm not really a drinker so this was me stepping out of my comfort zone. I so don't understand why people are so into drinking. I would try various drinks and enjoyed some of them but I don't think I'd want to waste my money on making these at home. Maybe it is because I am cheap. Or simple. But I am content with drinking ginger-ale and my water!
Anyways, I got a free week at a fitness centre for women. They do various classes like pole dancing, stripping dances, zumba, boxing, etc. Basically they have a variety of fun classes but just for women. The company was doing a demonstration and they were giving out these free week passes. I had finally gotten around to using it as I want to make sure I can attend as many free classes as possible.
Last night I went and took my first zumba class. I think this was the most challenging class for me and I was losing my energy probably at the last 10 minutes. I sweated a lot and worked my heart a lot. I had half hour breaks between my classes so the next was boxing. For about 10 minutes we did tai-bo type exercises and then did partner work where we would do punches, jabs, hooks, upper cuts and kicks. As the partner, we would have to wear punching gloves so our partner used that as a target. At least doing that I could rest a little so I didn't find this class too strenuous. As well, there were some kundalini yoga exercises where we would have to punch continuously so I've built up endurance for that and that skill seemed to be transferable.
My last class was a sexy strip dancing and we were learning a dance routine to a Patty Labelle song. I was laughing during it because it's really not my style to be dancing like that and to be seductive. I was being a bit of a dork but who can take doing this so seriously? Are we trying to seduce a man? If that were the case, I'd just make him some dinner and tell him how right he is! I don't see the point of shimmying my hips or doing floor work where I spread my legs.
I'm going tonight to take an MTV choreography class. I might consider going to something like this once in a while. Right now money is an issue. I certainly think it is a more interesting way to get some cardio and get your heart rate up. With my kundalini, I can get my heart rate up but I do not sweat much or get sweaty. Maybe I'm not much of a sweater.
I was at a mixed drinks convention back in the summer where you basically get to sample all sorts of different alcoholic drinks. I'm not really a drinker so this was me stepping out of my comfort zone. I so don't understand why people are so into drinking. I would try various drinks and enjoyed some of them but I don't think I'd want to waste my money on making these at home. Maybe it is because I am cheap. Or simple. But I am content with drinking ginger-ale and my water!
Anyways, I got a free week at a fitness centre for women. They do various classes like pole dancing, stripping dances, zumba, boxing, etc. Basically they have a variety of fun classes but just for women. The company was doing a demonstration and they were giving out these free week passes. I had finally gotten around to using it as I want to make sure I can attend as many free classes as possible.
Last night I went and took my first zumba class. I think this was the most challenging class for me and I was losing my energy probably at the last 10 minutes. I sweated a lot and worked my heart a lot. I had half hour breaks between my classes so the next was boxing. For about 10 minutes we did tai-bo type exercises and then did partner work where we would do punches, jabs, hooks, upper cuts and kicks. As the partner, we would have to wear punching gloves so our partner used that as a target. At least doing that I could rest a little so I didn't find this class too strenuous. As well, there were some kundalini yoga exercises where we would have to punch continuously so I've built up endurance for that and that skill seemed to be transferable.
My last class was a sexy strip dancing and we were learning a dance routine to a Patty Labelle song. I was laughing during it because it's really not my style to be dancing like that and to be seductive. I was being a bit of a dork but who can take doing this so seriously? Are we trying to seduce a man? If that were the case, I'd just make him some dinner and tell him how right he is! I don't see the point of shimmying my hips or doing floor work where I spread my legs.
I'm going tonight to take an MTV choreography class. I might consider going to something like this once in a while. Right now money is an issue. I certainly think it is a more interesting way to get some cardio and get your heart rate up. With my kundalini, I can get my heart rate up but I do not sweat much or get sweaty. Maybe I'm not much of a sweater.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Annoying Neighbor
Greetings all,
I have an elderly lady neighbor and she gets annoying at times. I don't see her often but since I've been home more because I'm not working, I tend to see her more. Now I don't think it's right for people to automatically sympathize with the elderly.
Some people are just annoying and we shouldn't just give them sympathy because they are old now. They probably were equally annoying when they were young. I can think of many young people and coworkers, who are annoying. One day they will become old and be annoying to those younger then them.
Sometimes this neighbor will ask for help on small things. Like one time she wanted help on opening the lid on some item. She was doing it wrong so I showed her how to do it. I generally am willing to help once and a while. If it becomes a habit, then she should consider going into a retirement home because I and others who live in the same building, can't be expected to always help her.
I had gotten a few grocery items for her last week that she missed on her trip as I had planned to go as well to get some groceries. She was complaining to me earlier about the neighbor who takes out her recycling and her garbage. She said the neighbor wouldn't take them out right away. Now I saw in her recycling bin, there was one item - a milk carton. She also said she would take out her garbage twice a week. I live alone as well and it probably takes me 2 weeks to fill a garbage bag.
I started lecturing to her about being environmentally responsible because she was producing too much garbage and that there was no need to take out garbage twice a week. Then she was complaining about how animals would get to the garbage if it wasn't taken out. Excuse me, but you live in an apartment. There are no animals that would get to your garbage. They only get to it if it's outside.
No wonder the neighbor doesn't always take out her items!
I wait until my recycling bin gets full and then I take it outside. Tuesday night is when they take out the garbage so I tend to empty it out on Wednesday, after it's been emptied.
So this elderly woman is just bitching about something when really she needs to be more considerate about the neighbor who helps her out. Instead of expecting others to serve you and accommodate you, maybe you are the one that has to change. Regardless of how old you are.
I think she needs to socialize more. I would think being isolated leads to this type of ignorant and self centered thinking.
I have an elderly lady neighbor and she gets annoying at times. I don't see her often but since I've been home more because I'm not working, I tend to see her more. Now I don't think it's right for people to automatically sympathize with the elderly.
Some people are just annoying and we shouldn't just give them sympathy because they are old now. They probably were equally annoying when they were young. I can think of many young people and coworkers, who are annoying. One day they will become old and be annoying to those younger then them.
Sometimes this neighbor will ask for help on small things. Like one time she wanted help on opening the lid on some item. She was doing it wrong so I showed her how to do it. I generally am willing to help once and a while. If it becomes a habit, then she should consider going into a retirement home because I and others who live in the same building, can't be expected to always help her.
I had gotten a few grocery items for her last week that she missed on her trip as I had planned to go as well to get some groceries. She was complaining to me earlier about the neighbor who takes out her recycling and her garbage. She said the neighbor wouldn't take them out right away. Now I saw in her recycling bin, there was one item - a milk carton. She also said she would take out her garbage twice a week. I live alone as well and it probably takes me 2 weeks to fill a garbage bag.
I started lecturing to her about being environmentally responsible because she was producing too much garbage and that there was no need to take out garbage twice a week. Then she was complaining about how animals would get to the garbage if it wasn't taken out. Excuse me, but you live in an apartment. There are no animals that would get to your garbage. They only get to it if it's outside.
No wonder the neighbor doesn't always take out her items!
I wait until my recycling bin gets full and then I take it outside. Tuesday night is when they take out the garbage so I tend to empty it out on Wednesday, after it's been emptied.
So this elderly woman is just bitching about something when really she needs to be more considerate about the neighbor who helps her out. Instead of expecting others to serve you and accommodate you, maybe you are the one that has to change. Regardless of how old you are.
I think she needs to socialize more. I would think being isolated leads to this type of ignorant and self centered thinking.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Comedy Class Show
Greetings all,
I had my stand up comedy class show on Thursday and it went well. The instructor had her 2 classes in one show so it was broken up into 2 parts. I was the first person in the second half and we had two different hosts. My friends and I didn't like the host for the second half as we thought she was not funny and was being shocking but with no punchline or jokes. She would talk about her rape fantasy and mostly sexual stuff. One of her jokes was how someone told her she wasn't damaged enough to be a comic, but there was really no joke. This just seemed like a premise. I think if that's the style (shocking) that she's going to stick with, she'd better work to make it more clever because it's not interesting for the audience and it made some people in the audience uncomfortable.
I was told by the instructor's wife (she's a lesbian) that I was the highlight of the show. The thing is that I've been doing this for 2 years and for most of these women, this is their first show. So yes, I should hope I am the better of the performers.
The host introduced me in, what maybe was an insulting manner, I couldn't tell. She said that I needed therapy (I'm guessing she was trying to be funny, but it didn't seem like it) and when I got on I said that I did but that I would rather have a rim job. The host joked that she gave someone a rim job as penance so I thought I'd play off on that.
I did well on my set and actually improvised a line that made one of my jokes funnier. I forgot one of my jokes. I am not sure why I bombed on the Sunday but I definitely think it was related to the energy work and to the yoga class I had. I probably didn't feel like performing and just wanted to be alone and maybe the audience picked up on that.
But I figured as well that I shouldn't let one show get me down. The flip side is that I shouldn't let one good show keep me up. I think it helps to pace yourself. Sort of like Dollar Cost Averaging.
I had my stand up comedy class show on Thursday and it went well. The instructor had her 2 classes in one show so it was broken up into 2 parts. I was the first person in the second half and we had two different hosts. My friends and I didn't like the host for the second half as we thought she was not funny and was being shocking but with no punchline or jokes. She would talk about her rape fantasy and mostly sexual stuff. One of her jokes was how someone told her she wasn't damaged enough to be a comic, but there was really no joke. This just seemed like a premise. I think if that's the style (shocking) that she's going to stick with, she'd better work to make it more clever because it's not interesting for the audience and it made some people in the audience uncomfortable.
I was told by the instructor's wife (she's a lesbian) that I was the highlight of the show. The thing is that I've been doing this for 2 years and for most of these women, this is their first show. So yes, I should hope I am the better of the performers.
The host introduced me in, what maybe was an insulting manner, I couldn't tell. She said that I needed therapy (I'm guessing she was trying to be funny, but it didn't seem like it) and when I got on I said that I did but that I would rather have a rim job. The host joked that she gave someone a rim job as penance so I thought I'd play off on that.
I did well on my set and actually improvised a line that made one of my jokes funnier. I forgot one of my jokes. I am not sure why I bombed on the Sunday but I definitely think it was related to the energy work and to the yoga class I had. I probably didn't feel like performing and just wanted to be alone and maybe the audience picked up on that.
But I figured as well that I shouldn't let one show get me down. The flip side is that I shouldn't let one good show keep me up. I think it helps to pace yourself. Sort of like Dollar Cost Averaging.
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