Greetings all,

I had applied for EI last month and got a phone call from the case manager yesterday. She had notified me that on my Record of Employment it said I was dismissed. I have not had the chance to see my ROE since the company sent it directly to the government and I am having problems logging on to the Service Canada website. I had written on my application that I was downsized due to restructuring. Because that's how I interpreted their reason which they said was 'human resource'. Pretty vague reason to let someone go. They had moved someone from another department into ours because her department was being transferred to another city. As well things were slowing down a bit so that's what I figured.

I was pretty pissed because now I am wondering if employers can access this information and as well, the company lied to me. They had stated it was a 'human resource' reason. Is this now the new code for 'you're fired'. That is utter nonesense. I will be seeking legal advice on this because this better not result in me not getting EI. I had a performance review months ago and my review was favourable. We had a new team leader so maybe he just didn't like me but that is no reason to get rid of me. I think he is a pussy and have lost all respect for him. I think there were others there who should have gotten let go whose performance was not up to par.

This is why I don't trust companies. They do what they want anyways. And they want me to work and slave for them???? Hell no! I want a balanced life and am not going to be so committed to an organization that only cares about itself and it's profits.

* * *
I decided to take this standup comedy class for only females. I took it last year and they also have a level 2, which is what I am taking. It started yesterday and what irks me is that some of the people in the class didn't take level 1 so I don't understand why they are in this class. The level 1 is on Thursday so maybe that was not a good day for them but I don't think it's right that they are taking it. As well it seems like the teacher is basically teaching the same things again and not doing any new writing exercises. I am not sure if this is good for me to take. I saw on facebook that they did a class show and had these cool posters. Maybe it's just a good chance to be seen.

I am also annoyed by one of the girls in the class. She was going to do a joke on this guy friend she invited to her place and made him think he was going to get sex but she was just calling his bluff and was not going to sleep with him. She had him naked on her roommate's bed with a condom on, ready to go. I don't know what their relationship was but I understood that they were friends.

What pissed me off is that this girl was being a cocktease and being disrespectful towards this guy. She's just playing with him in a way that I didn't think was cool and was cruel. What pissed me off more was everyone thought what she did was okay. I frankly thought it was mean and just a sign of her insecurity. And it's a way for these insecure people to feel better about themselves. It's not how a woman behaves, it's how an immature baby behaves! If a guy friend wants to fuck you and you don't want to, it's better to just tell him or dump him as a friend. I fail to see how being a cock tease is going to teach him a lesson.

I can understand wanting some revenge but I think it's better to take the high road with people. It reminds me of that Carrie Underwood song Before He cheats where she basically sings about her revenge on an ex. It's cute as a song but to me when a woman acts on her vengeful tendencies, that is scary and there is something wrong with the person. It's one thing to have thoughts of hurting someone but to act upon the destructive thoughts... well that is just wrong!

The girl was 24 and was a non stop chatter so I was really annoyed. As a woman, I was a little offended. I want to see females do something a little more intelligent instead of doing mean jokes about guys they jerk around with psychologically.

The other thing that irked me is that the teacher was telling me to turn my joke on me (so it ends up being self deprecating) whereas with this girl, she didn't tell her to do the same. The girl was being a cocktease so she should be making fun of what a trollup she is. Or not make the joke at all!

My style of comedy is not self deprecating at all and comedy doesn't have to be self deprecating. Some of the funniest jokes I can think of aren't self deprecating.

I wonder if this class will be good for me. I hope so.

I went down to my parent's on the weekend usually we say our goodbyes at my car. I think when I was leaving, I was starting to become aware that I think they actually love me.

* * *
I started to feel sleepy again on Monday. I was thinking it was because now the days are getting shorter. I think last year I was starting to get sleepy around the end of October. Now I am starting to wonder if I have some other problem and not seasonal affective disorder (SAD). I tried the light box, vitamin d and calcium and iron and those things didn't help. Maybe I have some other issue. I am thinking maybe it's hypothyroidism or an adrenal issue. I've been reading a site a friend recommended called stop the thyroid madness. I've taken my morning temperature and it seems to be a bit low according to what the site is saying is normal. I'll have to speak with her because she has a thyroid issue and used over the counter meds and they helped.

Facebook Status Updates

Greetings all,

Some people are really annoying with what they post on facebook. I have some friends who I have to put their news feed on hide because of what they post. Now you may ask, what is the point then of this? I can still visit their profile but at least I am somewhat in control of what I see.

I have a few friends that play those farmville games or mafia wars. I don't need to see that in the feeds and I don't know why they hide this from making the feeds. It's quite annoying.

I have alot of friends who I've met on the standup scene and some of them promote their events in their status updates. Now not all the people that do that are annoying but I have a couple(as in 2 people, not boyfriend/girlfriend) of friends that I find are self absorbed and always seem to talk about how great their life is or always promoting themselves.

I think there is nothing wrong with that but to be mindful that it's rude to be constantly promoting yourself or to be so self absorbed.

One of these people is a woman in her mid-40s. She lives in Toronto but has recently moved to London. She was one of those people that had kids young so she probably didn't get to explore life much and probably started comedy when her kids were more grown. It's annoying actually to hear her constantly brag about how great her life is. I'm not jealous or anything but I am wondering if she is overcompensating for her (I'm guessing) previously boring house wife life. She always brags about if she is in a commercial or has some show. She is currently travelling in Paris. I on occasion visit her page so she is currently bragging about seeing things in Paris. Things I already saw when I was 28.

She also has some video blogs on her facebook but I find them really annoying and actually childish for a woman that age. She does a whole series on breaking up with her husband (which isn't true). I watched them and I just find her over the top but too much so that it no longer is funny. All of her friends are constantly saying how pretty and wonderful she is and her work and I just think that feeds her starving ego.

I don't know her well enough but this is just from what I gather. I have seen some of her standup and while I think she does get how to make jokes, her sets have primarily been sexual (I would say 90% have a sexual tone to it) and I personally cannot respect anyone whose entire set is just sexual jokes. It's too easy. As an improviser, the sex jokes, the jokes about piss and shitting. Those are the easy jokes. It takes skill to actually do 'clean' jokes and talk about things more intellectual.

I think she has came in second place for some contest where people vote who the winner is. There are a few out there for comedians. Some of those are just popularity contests and those are easy to win if you have lots of friends and are persistently bugging them to vote for you. Which she did. And which I didn't vote for her. I think I voted for someone else whom I thought was funnier.

I have decided that I will vote for those who I actually like, not if you are my friend. I think in the long run it's for people's good. It forces them, I hope, to keep persisting and working on their material. If they are always winning things because their friends vote for them, they don't actually work on their craft. Obviously in the entertainment world, not all who are successful have skill (like Justin Bieber) but at least overall most have some talent and skill.

I have one friend who is currently in Korea. I think it's cool. She's not bragging and so I don't find her annoying. The woman I mention is showing off and that is what is annoying. I'm not jealous of her successes and probably would respect her more if I didn't get the vibe that she was narcissistic.

The other guy that annoys me basically is the same way and constantly talks about himself and his projects.

I don't intend to unhide their feeds because their personalities are so annoying. I don't consider them my friends but more as acquaintances, otherwise I would unfriend them.

The Office

Greetings all,

I have been watching the Office lately. Not the British version, the American one. I'd like to see the British and see what the differences are.

I normally don't watch tv, however, last week I decided I'd actually rent a movie. I NEVER rent movies and maybe have done so once or twice in my life. The reason being is that I no longer use television and movies to fill up my time. I usually spend time thinking alone or on the internet or going out and doing stuff.

Now I have too much free time. I will probably start job searching next week. I am waiting to hear from an employment counsellor since I was considering becoming an event planner. It was so weird but I went to the mall where their office is and I felt really spaced out. I don't know if I was dehydrated or just tired from last night.

Anyways, last week I decided to throw caution to the wind and let myself zone out by watching television. I decided to rent The Office and I am on this $10 plan where I can take out as many movies as I want for a month. The catch is I'm allowed only to take one at a time. So far I am up to Season 3, Disc 1.

My favourite character is Dwight Schrute. I see a little bit of me in him. One episode he was saying he was going to punish people. Now I have felt that way at my last job at times. I felt some people were just so sloppy that they should be punished or fired. Dwight is more out there.

The thing I don't like about office people in general is that sometimes they don't come out and speak directly. Basically you have to learn how to read between the lines. I notice this in email correspondences as well. It is aggravating. I understand the need for professionalism but why not speak directly? What is wrong with saying what you don't like? I guess people just don't want to speak the truth and just would rather use the 'I don't want to hurt your feelings' as an excuse.

And I think the Jim character is cute. The actor was born in the same year I was and he's married already so I don't think I have much of a chance.

In the first season, I found the people so serious. I didn't understand why they wouldn't laugh at their bosses jokes. Some of them were funny. I think that was the funny part. It showed they had no sense of humour at all. I think the boss Michael is bringing in something useful to the corporate world. He is not that great at managing but he believes in being friends with people and he brings this human element to the office, even though he is out of touch with reality at times.

But isn't that part of being in the corporate world? Because he is wanting to be their friends, he is breaking the boundaries that the corporate world sets. But I think perhaps work would be more enjoyable if people did try to be more friendly and open and laugh.

Some of the stuff that goes on is sexual harassment so I find I have a hard time accepting that portion of the show. I have a hard time suspending my disbelief and that's probably also why I don't like to watch television or movies.

My Brothers

Greetings all,

I don't have the greatest of relationships with my brothers and I thought I'd discuss it and get my feelings out.

I don't get along mainly with my oldest brother. I have 3 brothers. Two are twins and they are mentally ill with schizophrenia. They are 9 years older then me. The other is 12 years older then me.

My oldest brother is not the nicest of people. We sort of got along when I was younger, however he doesn't handle stress well it seems and he has abusive tendencies. Back when I was in grade 7, we had a family dog. My friend would come over sometimes for lunch and one day we did. Somehow our dog ran away and I told him and he freaked out and went to hit me. I don't remember if he did but I made myself fall to the ground to protect myself because I didn't want to get hit. I was probably 13 and he was 25 and 6 feet tall. I probably was around 5'4 at the time.

When I was in high school, we had issues with the telephone and if I were on it and he wanted to be on it, he would get angry at me. I think he would rudely get on the phone and demand that I get off of it. I was not someone you mistreat and I would give him attitude back. Sometimes when he didn't get his way, he would call me abusive names. He has called me a slut and a whore several times. And in an angry and abusive manner. He was probably 28 at the time and I never had a boyfriend until I was 19.

He pissed me off so much while I was on the phone one time that I snapped and threw the phone in my bedroom. I made some damage to the wall. It's still there.

When I was 23 and came back to my parents from my summer of working in Yellowknife, he ended up getting himself in jail for harassing a woman. He had spent 2 weeks there.

I feel ashamed to have him as a brother at times. He is out of work and on welfare. He finished taking a course on how to be a truck mechanic and hasn't found work and doesn't seem willing to take any job. When I was in high school and he worked at Camco (which is shut down now), he would complain that he always meets these women on welfare and then would complain about how many single mothers are on welfare in Hamilton. I find it ironic that now he is one of them (on welfare). It's not right to be so judgemental towards people.

I am angry at my parents as well since I told them about the incident in grade 7 over the dog and they did nothing about it. They did nothing about how he's been mean to me. I think they have tried to talk to him but nothing improves. My dad and him do not get along too well.

My parents should have kicked him out. Or forced him to go see a psychiatrist, considering the family history of mental illness. I think as parents they have failed because they should have protected me from him and they didn't. They continued to let him misbehave. They needed tougher rules and to actually enforce them.

As a result, I have tendencies to be hostile towards and to be mean back. It's understandable because once someone crosses that line and starts abusing you, it's normal to become defensive towards them.

And then my mother blames me for the fact that we don't get along. We don't get along because he can be an abusive asshole and I won't just sit there and take it.

I keep my distance from him and sometimes he will email me to ask me how I am doing. It's unfortunate but it would be nice to have a nice, caring brother but I find he is too dumb and too selfish and too nervous and dysfunctional. I feel like an only child at times since I don't feel any connection to my other mentally ill brothers. I don't feel like I can turn to them, even though they are supposed to be the older and wiser ones. I'm actually the wiser one in the family.

Three brothers and none of them I feel close to.

I guess it would be nice to end on a positive note. I try to keep working on my happiness and confidence and try not to react to them. I try to stay neutral. Some times it's easier then others. I pray for my family though since I feel there is some dysfunction.

Greetings all,

I have been slowly getting out of my depressed funk. My apartment has been getting really messy as probably since I've lost motivation to maintain it. I've been slowly cleaning it up. I was starting on Friday and emptied out some of the stuff in my freezer. I had gotten rid of a lot of crap in my fridge when my ex roommate left and so haven't actually gone through my freezer to see what needed to be chucked out. I was happy about that.

I have thought about going back to school in January. I am one conflicted individual. I was thinking of going in event planning and I think maybe some of those skills would be useful for an aspiring comedienne. Then I was also thinking I should just become one but I am still on the fence with that. I am hoping to speak to an employment counsellor this week.

The thing is as well is that I consider myself an intellectual and so look down on college. I would rather go to university, however I am not clear on what to take there. At least with college there are certain technical skills that maybe more useful for me.

* * *
I feel like I am being defeated. Is this a good thing? A bad thing? Who knows at this time.

Rant Time

Greetings all,

I have a couple of things to rant about in this post. First of all, I went out briefly today and I have noticed that when I walk alone on the sidewalk, and two or more people are walking towards me (like a couple or friends), they will not move and I seem to be the one that is always moving. Well I am tired of being the one who always moves and I don't know what is wrong with people. Is it just the people of Toronto who act like this and think they are entitled to hog the sidewalk or is this just how people typically act?

No more Ms. Nice Woman anymore. I am not moving and adapting to people. Wake up people!

* * *
My other rant is hearing people have sex. I have a house that is close to my building. I have no a/c and so I have to keep my windows open to maintain some coolness in my apartment. I hear one neighbor whose baby cries alot. It's annoying. I always wonder what they are doing wrong. Babies usually cry for a few reasons. 1. they are hunger 2. they need their diaper changed 3. they are teething or are sick 4. they want attention and are bored 5. are tired or 6. they are just easily irritable.

So I always wonder if the mother is just being irresponsible as the daily crying makes no sense to me. Anyways, that annoys me, however I understand a baby doesn't know any better.

But what truly annoys me is hearing the neighbors going at it. I don't know if they are the neighbors next door or if they are the neighbors in my building.

Today I was having my dinner at 7pm and I heard the neighbors. This irks me and is my BIGGEST pet peeve. I have really good hearing too and that just makes it more annoying. I just think it's rude. They could have music playing so that people wouldn't hear.

So instead I decided to play some of my mantra meditation music and I was blasting it out the window. I don't know if it made them realize they were behaving inappropriately but I hope so. I hope it annoyed them as much as they annoyed me.

Selfish people suck!

Down down down

Greetings all,

It has been a rough week for me as I have been feeling rather unmotivated and depressed. I had stayed at my parents for a few days and for the rest of the week I stayed at my place and had become depressed about my life and my work situation.

I just don't understand anymore my life and it hurts. I wonder often what is wrong with me?

I am smart, attractive and funny and yet there is something not clicking in my life and I just don't understand.

I've been trying to stay positive but I think I am better off accepting my situation and my pain. I really feel hopeless and I feel maybe I just will not get the things I want (family, job that I enjoy).

I feel beaten down and I don't like it.

I want certain things to materialize in my life and maybe it just won't happen. Why fight it? Why work hard in vain?

Why do others seem to have life so easy and are leading happy and productive lives? Life just doesn't seem fair.

Moving On

Greetings all,

I had written a few years ago about a gumball machine business I had and other confessions about my financial woes. I am getting ready to sell them. I have taken a few out and plan on selling them individually as I think in the long run I will have more success in finding people to buy them, rather then selling the whole route. As well, over the years I have had a few stolen so my original 25 is now some weird number like 21. I have insurance on them and didn't bother to replace them since I had the intention of selling them.

I've had a few machines get stolen as I had picked up a few these past 2 days. They were stolen because the business owners probably went bankrupt and didn't bother to contact me to pick up the machine. This has happened a few times and the problem is that I don't chain them to something sturdy but also these owners are being irresponsible.

One of my machines was at a location of my ex friend Mike whom I talk about back here. I wasn't sure if he would be there as my machine was at his work place, a truck washing place. They have 2 shifts and he was the supervisor. I don't know if he still works there so I was nervous about what to say if I run into him since I didn't want to deal with him since he decided to not be my friend anymore. My mom has been accompanying me these past 2 days and I had told her that Mike was there and I didn't know what to say. We had talked and I realized I can just be polite and say I am taking out the machine. I don't need to be friendly or anything, just be professional.

Well luckily he wasn't there. I spoke to someone there to say I was removing the machine but I never bothered to ask if he still worked there.

I've had some issues with my dad because he didn't really like this idea of me investing in a gumball machine business. At the time, I really felt I could make decent money and maybe quit working so I could have more free time to pursue creative endeavors. He basically pulled an 'I told you so' yesterday and I told him off. At dinner tonight, I calmly told him my feelings about the situation. At the time I was doing what I thought was best. In the long run it didn't work out as I wanted it to but I did learn something from doing this. In that sense I don't think it was a mistake. Lots of successful people try things that don't work out they way they initially planned but they persevered and became successful.

I just want to get these out of my hands and move forward in my life. At least I tried and took a risk. I am upset at myself and do feel bad about it not going as I had thought. Of course I feel a sense of failure but there's no point in continuing to beat myself up. I've done enough of that anyways. Being responsible for these machines has felt like a burden so I will feel much better and lighter when I begin to sell them.

Unemployed Woes

Greetings all,

it's been my first week of not working and it's been weird. I've had a chance to settle down after my yoga retreat. I didn't do much this week and just did some yoga. I will have to start getting myself organized next week.

My mind has been all over the place and today it has settled a bit. I was thinking that at least with a job, I had a routine and my mind was occupied. Now I have too much free time and I end up getting absorbed too much into myself.

I will also miss the social aspect of work. I feel now that I will become too withdrawn. That happened a bit to me last year. I don't know if it's because I'm an introvert and since I don't have much external obligations, I just withdraw because of my introvert nature?

I want to get active again and I feel I've lost some momentum but I think I need to start finding work I enjoy. I know there are people out there who like what they do so it's not unrealistic.

I don't feel this getting laid off again is a blessing but maybe it is

Yoga Retreat

Greetings all,

I had arranged to go to a yoga retreat a few months ago in Dahlogena Georgia, which is about an hour north of Atlanta. The couple that teaches the workshops for the weekend were Ana Brett and Ravi Singh. I have been following their dvds that they produce along with having my own practice.

It was challenging at times and I am still a bit sore. I was disappointed that I was laid off the day before and it almost has an ominous feel to me. I've never been to a retreat before so I was happy to go there.

I decided to fly out of Buffalo since it looked a bit cheaper. My flight was for 6 am and I ended up not sleeping. I tried to rest a bit at the airport. I was feeling some anxiety over my job loss and anxiety over getting there since I really hate flying.

When I boarded the plane, I felt this wave of panic at my throat centre and I just wanted to get off of the plane. I didn't know if I was intuiting something negative on the plane or just having a freak out over flying. I had never experienced this intense feeling of panic. I had felt so confined and trapped and I didn't like it. I was hoping this would be a safe flight but I was starting to feel like maybe this plane would crash.

I think because I didn't get sleep and because of getting laid off, I probably was more stressed then usual. My flight home was easier. I just felt some mild anxiety.

On the flight to Atlanta, I ended up crying a bit and tried to be discreet about it. The guy sitting next to me asked if I was alright and I said I was feeling better. He worked as an airflight simulator and I told him about how I felt confined and trapped and not being in control of the situation and not knowing what's going on. I know intellectually flying is pretty safe. I just think I'd like to know more about flying.

I was the lone Canadian in my group. I had thought there would be more international people. One woman was telling me someone she knew said that Canadians didn't like their health care and she didn't believe that. She asked me for my opinion and I said we all know it's not perfect but we certainly would not want to give it up and pay for it ourselves. I have not met anyone in my life who was against having health care. Complaining about it is one thing, wanting to get rid of it altogether is another story!

Americans honestly frighten me and I think it's largely due to the media portrayal. A gun loving nation with no health care and lots of violence and an addiction to the belief that there's a god.

They all seemed like normal people and I wanted to stay neutral about my feelings towards them. There are stupid people everywhere and I didn't want to automatically dismiss or judge any foolish thing they said based on the fact that they were American. But they mostly all seemed sensible.

I had taken a car ride to the airport with a couple and they had begun talking about the Afghanistan situation. I was hoping they weren't brainwashed that the whole war is just a scam but they seemed to be aware that this was not the right thing to be doing.

The Americans get fed alot of lies by their government and sometimes you wonder if they can discern through the nonesense. It's very scary when people cling to ideas that don't correspond to reality.

I felt out of it and I think it might take a day or two to adjust to the experience. You just end up going to a different place mentally. I didn't get an epiphany about what direction to take my life but I'm hoping that will come soon.

One of the people that was staying an extra night (as the last class was Sunday and I left Monday) let us use her rental car to go see some water falls in the area. We had went into town for lunch and she had scheduled a massage for the afternoon so we went back to the resort to drop her off. I thought that was generous of her since most people may not be comfortable with letting strangers use their rental car. The water falls were about 15 minutes from the resort so they weren't too far.

Not Again!

Greetings all,

I had been notified this morning at work that I was getting laid off. I was and still am quite surprised. My contract expires at the end of September. I know they can let me go whenever but I didn't think I'd be let go since there were others who are newer then me. I didn't get a clear reason for why I was let go but someone was telling me they were having some budget issue and maybe needed to let people go.

I had booked tomorrow off because I am going to Georgia for a kundalini yoga retreat. I really don't want to have to go back to finding a job. I know how hard that is and I don't even know if I want to go back to school.

I hope things work out for me. This year was looking good but then this happens...

Oh well!

Friends

Greetings all,

The previous post had gotten me riled up a bit but it brings me back to a concept that if you want to have friends, then you have be a good friend. If you are being hurtful to someone, instead of further picking on them when they begin to challenge your behaviour, why not look at your own behaviour instead of being accusatory of the other? Maybe your the one with the problem.

The thing is with people like that is they get upset that no one likes them or no one listens to them. Rather then learning to modify their behaviour, they continue to blame everyone else around.

No one want to be treated in a hostile manner and eventually no one will tolerate hostile, mean and angry, bitchy people.

The fact that I won't tolerate assholes in my life is not about me having control issues but about me having a healthy level of self respect.

Some people have no power and are jealous of those people like me who choose to deal with their issues instead of letting the anger and resentment build up within them.

Some people are just inadequate and insecure and all they know how to do is be miserable and try to take people down to their level. I'm not going down that road as I choose to be happy and free and responsible and emotionally mature.

Unfriending on Facebook

Greetings all,

I've had to unfriend an improv 'friend' on my facebook mainly because I had felt this person has been too rude on my status updates. I initially had blocked him from commenting on my status. A few days ago I had commented on his status. I am not hostile like he is and am socially appropriate. He had childishly brought up how I blocked him. I ended up messaging him and got some long winded response, basically not acknowledging and taking responsibility for his hostile actions and words. Had said I have censorship issues and doesn't understand why his humour offends me.

Half the time, the jokes and comments are just down right mean and cruel. You can't just say to people that you don't get their humour if you are behaving like an asshole half the time. It's not funny and it's being mean. It's not something to be proud of. It's down right sad.

I eventually responded. I don't know why because frankly I am someone that usually gives a little fight when being faced by this type of ignorant behaviour. I had said my boundaries were disrespected more then once and that he probably could be more sensitive.

Basically he is a hostile and angry person with emotional issues and basically hasn't dealt with them and so views the world and people from this self righteous and angry perspective. Has quite the chip on his shoulder. Whereas I am responsible about my emotions and anger and use yoga as a tool to help me process my hurt.

I'm not about to have that type of person in my life. I hardly see him in real life and certainly will not tolerate this online.

His response to my comment was:
Meh.

As a result, I unfriended him. It clearly shows his emotional maturity level is low and he is being dismissive. Friends have conflicts but I believe most normal humans can talk out their difficulties. Some people just don't want to and dig their heels further into their position and further believe that they are right.

I'm not responsible for the hurt people feel. They are responsible for their emotional health. I will not feel bad because someone can't manage their anger. That is not my responsibility.

Oh God!

Greetings all,

I just don't think I can believe there is a god. I'm not an atheist however and am more agnostic and skeptical that one exists.

I'm tired of hearing people talk about the will of God. Why does what happens that is beyond our comprehension have to be identified as the will of God? Why can't we just acknowledge the limits of what we know and not attach to god.

Is there a higher power? Who knows!

We humans, obviously need humility and the ability to surrender. Why surrender to a higher power or a god? Why not just surrender for the sake of surrendering and not to some higher power?

Online Dating Continues

Greetings all,

I've been on a dating site now for almost 2 months and have gone on 2 dates. The thing I don't like is that being that I am 31, I am looking for a man who is close to my age, ideally under 35. I'm being generous and have opened the window to men under 40 and sometimes will respond to someone who is 41. I am open to someone younger, although men tend to mature slower then a woman and so I'm open to someone as young as 26, although I would prefer no younger then 27 or 28.

Now as a woman, I think women have to be picky for biological reasons. We are the ones that carry the baby and so logically it would make sense for a woman to be picky.

I've seen one man post on his profile that he wants a woman with brown hair. I was offended by this and ranted to my coworkers at lunch because I don't select a man based on his hair. True, I may prefer blondes but I am open to hair colours. And it's a very superficial thing to be fussy about. I can understand things like wanting children and smoking. But a man in my eyes, has ZERO rights to be so fussy like that.

The other thing that is annoying is that I am having men who are well over my age range hit on me. I think I had someone who was 50 wink at me. That is way too old for me. If I already did the marriage and kids thing already, maybe I wouldn't be so discriminatory but since I want kids and a husband in the long run, a man that age is just out of the question.

Don't get me wrong, anyone can be attractive but I can't build my life with someone that age. I just don't understand why they even bother trying! I know some women in their 50s get frustrated that men their age are hitting on younger women, but being that I am a younger woman by comparison, I really don't appreciate it and I think they are wasting their time!

I've mentioned this before but men just need to be more realistic and realize that they are not the ones with the power when it comes to mate selection.

Free Hugs!

Greetings all,

One of the improv missions we did yesterday was the Free Hugs mission. They have been doing this annually for several years and I decided to participate in this. Basically it involves having a sign saying 'Free Hugs' and you randomly hug complete strangers that you meet on the street.

I had made my sign on Saturday morning and was in a bit of a rush as the night before I went out and was dancing the night away so I didn't get to sleep until 3 am. I had to be at the meeting place for 3 so I didn't have too much time to doddle as I like to take things slow on my days off. I had decided to use a coloured bristol board and then use blank paper to cut out the letters. I just cut them directly from the paper, not outlining them. I was improvising! For some reason, I had a hard time making the letter G. I don't know why but my brain couldn't figure out how to do it and I had to write out on some scrap piece of paper how to do the G and I had to think about how it needed to be cut.

I am not the hugging type actually. I have read in a book a while ago, called The 5 Love Languages about the different ways people show love and hugging (touch) was one of them. I am more into verbal affirmations. The others were spending time with them, doing things for them (acts of service) and giving gifts.

This was actually a bit of an awkward experience for me but I like the concept. The concept of having a sign and giving random strangers hugs. I was definitely out of my comfort zone yesterday! We broke up into smaller groups and we made our way to the Yonge and Dundas Square. Our group was fragmented at times and I think we should have worked together more as a team to be effective.

Three guys were topless and had on their chests Free Hugs. Most of the people that come out to these missions tend to be in high school. These topless guys didn't get too many willing people to hug them and it's probably because no one wants to hug topless males, although some people were willing to be photographed with them, probably because they found it humourous. One of them had boxer-brief shorts so he just looked like an ass. And I think one woman that saw him just had a shocked look on her face. Most people don't want a hug from someone where their junk is just a little too visible.

A couple of the girls were more outgoing and so they were more successful in getting hugs. I think that's the key thing. It's like selling and you have to be a bit more outgoing and encouraging to the passerbys. Being that I hate selling, I wasn't really being that aggressive in getting hugs. I basically held my sign and would hope someone was open to hugging or I would be by the go-getters and get second hand hugs.

Obviously, you have to respect people's boundaries so if someone didn't want a hug, you don't push for it. There were many polite declines but there were people who were happy to get a hug. I certainly think being more encouraging helps.

I had wanted to do it last year and but didn't because I had other plans. I was a bit scared about hugging creepy people and perverts but hugging someone only takes a few seconds and everyone needs love in this world, even the creepy ones!

I had participated in the hugging for an hour as I had plans for a barbecue that night. I think the group probably was doing it for 1.5 to 2 hours, which I think is a bit long. I think the enthusiasm wanes a bit by the time you do it for an hour.

I think if I were to do it again, I'd probably feel more comfortable but it was a good experience, although a bit frightening at times.

G20 Mayhem

Greetings all,

I was going to go to a barbecue last night and was making my way to take the streetcar. I was on Queen and saw 3 streetcars stopped with their lights flashing. I had figured this line was down due the G20. There are multiple street car lines parallel to Queen so I decided to try the Dundas line and someone said the line wasn't working. So I finally made my way to the College St line and it wasn't working either.

I decided to head home and I had my friend call me to see how I was doing and I had found out some rioting was going on in the downtown core. I live just outside the core, according to the Toronto map so I am far enough away from the madness. Apparently some cop cars were set on fire and people were destroying buildings. It's near where I work as we are 2 blocks from University Avenue, which is where most of the chaos was occurring. We aren't scheduled to return to the office until Tuesday so hopefully things will have settled down by then.

I was quite angry to hear about these Black Bloc anarchists just being destructive and not legitimately having a real protest. This is my city and I don't want that kind of nonsense going on! I just think these people are unhappy with their lives and just use this as an excuse to misbehave. Why can't they channel their anger in more productive ways and take a boxing class?

Obviously, these G20 meetings should take place in a remote island or something because every where they go, riots happen. It's too much stress for people in the city to endure and it causes too much disruption to businesses. You know, if you want to have your precious meetings, please do so but it's too disruptive to people and there is a better way to have these meetings.

I know some protesters are against these cops and antagonize them and then they get upset at them. We obviously need a police presence. I saw one video where the cops are blocking off a section and these people (I don't know if they are protesters) are saying that this is not democratic. Just because people are blocked from something, doesn't mean the cops are being fascist! Sometimes roads get closed due to construction. Does that mean we live in a fascist country?

Obviously these cops aren't perfect but they are to help keep things from getting out of control. They are just doing their job, why hate on them?

This was the video I was referencing. I really don't know who is behind the video. He says they are being herded in and that they want to go home. I don't know if there was an alternate way for them to go, but in cases like these, I think if you want to go home, it might be best to find an alternate route! Why aggravate and antagonize people who are already in a highly stressed state? Just asking for trouble!



I ended up leaving the city as I was planning to go to a pot luck in Brantford with my older book group so I was going to go to Hamilton on Sunday. I hope things settle down today.

On the way to Hamilton, I was listening to the radio and heard someone being interviewed about why they were destroying the Star bucks. I don't know if this person was arrested. He made no sense. Said something about Zionists and that we have to stand up to Fascism. Something about Star bucks being responsible for social problems. I think he was just using it as a scapegoat. The only problem I could see blaming Star bucks is not treating their workers fairly and exploiting them and not being fairtrade. I don't know enough about them, but even if they weren't evolved, what good is it going to do to destroy their building? They have so many and this will not get your message through.

I had heard the mayor say that these people that are being this way are criminals and that they have told the police that protesting is allowed, provided they are peaceful and that it is a Canadian value to allow protesting. Now I don't know how well these cops followed these orders or even how well these orders were given to cops.

It really just ruins it for the rest of the people who are trying to voice their concerns.

Earthquake!

Greetings all,

Apparently just north of Ottawa by the Ontario/Quebec border, there was an earthquake and we felt it at my office. We had temporarily relocated the office because of the G20 Summit and so we were in a 4 storey building. I had noticed the floor was shaking and then my coworker next to me started to wonder what was going on as it was lasting for about 30 seconds. We heard someone say it was an earthquake and we all started to evacuate the building.

Once we were outside, I had made the joke that we moved to a different office for safety reasons and it was ironic that we were experiencing this 'danger'.

Now I'm not really a superstitious person but I do think it's strange that this earthquake occurred so close to the G20 Summit and also was so close to Ottawa, the nation's capital. I wonder if Mother Nature was letting her feelings be known about what has been going on politically.

Things that make you go hmmmm...

Oh No You Didn't!

Greetings all,

I went to this meetup on Thursday for single ladies and we went to have drinks. We ended up talking about relationships and how a couple of us are on dating sites. The organizer has currently been seeing this guy for 2 months and she has been following 'The Rules'. Now I've read the book but it's too strict for me and I find it doesn't really talk about why you have to modify your behaviour. For people who haven't heard of the Rules, it is a relationship book that tells you how to handle men. Some of the rules make sense but some of them are a little weird. And I find it too strict. I don't need specific rules on how to behave.

I've read other books such as 'Dating without drama' or the other book I like 'why men marry bitches'. They explain the meaning behind the behaviour choices and how men think, so I find them more interesting and practical.

This was my first time meeting her. She's a year younger then me and says she is a life coach. I don't know if she has many clients because I personally wouldn't want a life coach, especially a young one who is only 30. If you're a coach at that age, you probably have to achieved a lot for me to respect you or have a lot of life experience. I personally would want someone older then me.

I got a weird vibe from her initially. I thought she maybe used to be a crack addict or something as she seemed slow. We learn later on that she has been hit by a tractor (I think) and that she has some visual disability. She maybe that's what I sensed was off about her.

She emails me yesterday to say I need to trim my eyebrows. I have come to accept my physical appearance so I found it a bit rude but at the same time, I was like I accept myself for the way I am. I tweeze my own brows and although they be a bit thick (the thick look is in now), I like them.

I've got a nice rack so I think my eyebrows will be the last thing a man notices.

Roaches

Greetings all,

I'm a little embarrassed to be writing about this, but I'm not the first person to experience this problem. I've had roaches in my first apartment. I don't think it was a huge problem as my ex-roommate saw 1 once and I had notified the supers and they immediately had pest control come in. I know if you see 1, it means there are more as they tend to hide. We had to - I should say (since my ex-roommate was a lazy bitch), I ended up emptying all the kitchen cupboards and in the bathroom.

All the pest control person did was put powder in the cupboards and on the stove, etc. I decided that if this roach problem happened again, I would fix it myself. I had felt violated because they could have worked around the stuff we had. There really was no need to clear everything.

When I moved into my current apartment, I had been cautious but it's hard to know if there are roaches. I know you can search online for places that have bed bugs. I should hope they do the same for roaches. When I was getting my tour, the super had said there were no roaches. She probably could tell by the way I was looking into cupboards and stuff.

It turned out she was wrong, but I think she was just lying. I started noticing roaches about 4 months into living there. I told her and they had pest control come in but I refused to empty my cupboards as requested. I don't think they ended up coming into my place.

I had started to keep track of the roaches I found. Some I killed and a few got away. I had researched online about roaches when I first had them and I found a recipe for sugar and baking soda. The sugar attracts them and the baking soda I think gives them gas. They can't expel the gas so it kills them.

I decided I'd try something else as I wasn't sure how effective it was. I ended up using boric acid and peanut butter and mixed equal amounts. I spread it directly on the counters or wherever I thought they should go. The next time I did the baits, my mom said I could use wax paper since you need to make fresh bait every so often and it wasn't easy to clean up.

I found it worked. I had put a fresh bait in my bathroom and the next day there were a whole ton of roaches, many babies. It took me 30 seconds to realize they were all over my bathroom. I was getting ready to take a bath and I noticed a few around my sink and then I opened my curtain and one started to crawl on my arm. It was a baby one so it was cute and small so it wasn't grossing me out. I noticed a few around the faucet and then I noticed a whole army of them on my loofah. Since they like moisture, I could see why they were attracted to the loofah. I had to put the loofah in the sink and I drowned them bitches!

I threw out that loofah after I had thoroughly rinsed it out.

I credit my bait for attracting them. The next day there were a few more and after about 4 days I found none. This was back in October. I ended up seeing one, a baby, in there yesterday so I made some traps today and put them out.

I saw one in my kitchen a few weeks ago for May 2-4 weekend as I was leaving for New York. This was an adult one. I've noticed a few are sneaking into my freezer. There is a tiny gap in the door insulation so they are going in that way but they end up dying. The ones I've seen there have been babies.

The adult roaches are disgusting and I don't like to talk about this problem to others. There is a taboo about them and although I am not the most cleanest person in the world, I am neither the messiest. It does make me feel a bit dirty.

The good thing is that I am taking care of the problem and I am mostly seeing babies, with a few adults. It means that the baits work. The baby roaches are cute I must admit. But I know what they turn into, given a few months so I mercilessly kill them anyways.

I Don't Care

Greetings all,

Lately I just feel like I don't care anymore about things. Not in a heartless manner but rather, from the perspective that I don't need to worry so I don't have to care. Sort of like letting whatever happens happens and accepting whatever happens.

I like this feeling and I hope it sticks around. Feeling carefree is great!

Back on the horse!

Greetings all,

I had decided 2 weeks ago, after I had returned from my New York trip that I will get back on the dating horse and sign up again for online dating. I had decided before I left for New York that I'll decide if I want to try dating again.

I figure, maybe I need to relax. Maybe I won't find the right person right away but at least I have to try. I like to take a proactive approach to my life so I might as well put myself out there again.

I had 'met' the 'english muffin' on eharmony. Eharmony is a bit more expensive and maybe I'll get back on that one another time if this one doesn't work.

Maybe it's my destiny to find the right man in 5 years but at this point, I got to try and date and see what happens.

Sat Kriya

Greetings all,

I had written that I am working with a few kundalini yoga meditations back in April. I have been working towards 22 minutes from 11 minutes and it has been quite a struggle. I am in an email group for kundalini yoga and sometimes I post questions. Since I am doing my practice at home, I don't really get to have a teacher to ask questions. I just learn from dvds and books. I also go to an ashram that does monthly meditations and asked one of the teachers on how to increase my time as I have been struggling to increase it.

It seemed that the common answer was to just do it. It just seems like you have to force yourself and mentally commit to doing it and not give up even when you feel like it.

Sheer will.

Someone in the email group said it took them a lot of resolve to get up to 31 minutes. My goal is eventually to get to that time but I am doing it slowly. The mantra used in it to keep your focus is sat nam, which means truth is my identity, according to what I've read in kundalini yoga. Wiki defines it as "god's existence is the utmost reality" and that "god has a name and thereby does exist".

On Tuesday this week, it was pretty intense to get through and I only did 15 minutes. I had felt like I couldn't do it and it was very emotional. The next day I took it 'easy' and just did my 11 minutes. On Thursday I had managed to do the 22 minutes and was very firm that I was going to do it. So now I will keep practising at that time and then I can build up to 31 minutes. I think it will be easier because I will just need to increase my time by 9 minutes rather then 11.

It's been quite an experience working with this kriya and my 120 days of it will end on June 20. It's a simple exercise but to maintain it has been mentally and emotionally tough.

I sometimes wonder why the hell am I doing this. I hope soon I will have some sort of payoff. I think mainly mental clarity, inner peace and happiness.

I just hope I don't have masochistic personality disorder because as mentioned this kriya has been painful emotionally and perhaps mentally. I hope to get a payoff, other wise I will feel like I've just wasted my time and I like to feel I am doing something that will help me out mentally and emotionally in the long run.

It's taken me on an emotional journey and I've had to face alot of stuff, like negative stuff, fears. When I am done my 120 days, I will certainly take a few days break and probably go at it again.

G20 Summit

Greetings all,

I've been hearing alot of the G20 summit that will be happening at the end of the month in Toronto mainly from work, however today I was reading about it in the paper and there are plans to have riot police and riot horses. This is really happening in my country. I feel Canada has a certain innocence and purity and seeing how they are prepared, is taking away that purity. I should hope nothing happens and that if things do get out of hand, it doesn't end up bloody and violent.

I don't think it will get out of hand, but there are probably other people from other countries coming to protest. Most Canadians don't seem like the riotist, violent type.

For the week before this weekend meeting, some people will have to work from home or we have to relocate at another office. Our office is located downtown and just outside the area of where the summit will take place. The company is a financial insurance company, so they may be a target (I doubt it though) but they want to take the safe road, which I can understand. If there is an explosion or any violent acts, I certainly wouldn't want to be around.

I'm one of the people that will have to relocate and they said they will cover any extra expenses. I will have to drive to work because it is east and quite a bit north. If I were to take public transit, it would probably take an hour and I can't deal with that!

I gave blood today and some people were talking about it. No one really seems to know what exactly they will be discussing. I did some brief research and so Canadians can't really complain about the cost of this because other countries have hosted it too and it's our turn to host. Still, I wonder if anything productive gets done at these things or if it's just a really expensive social gathering for the economic world leaders.

Victoria Day Weekend

Greetings all,

I had a great weekend last weekend as I had went to New York city for the first time. This was one of my goals for the year as I was hoping maybe some day I can go down to do open mics in New York so I thought I should do an introductory visit to the city if I was really serious about doing it.

I had stayed in Queens with an older woman who I met on some online forum for women. A few of them came down to Toronto back in March and stayed in a hotel downtown. We spent time together that weekend and I took them down to Niagara Falls.

I decided to take the bus as it was cheaper and I could at least see what the landscape looks like on the way there. I don't think I will ever take it again because the bus was 2 hours late in arriving but on the way home, it was 3 hours late. And with stops included, it should only take 10.5-11 hours.

I had already ordered my tickets on the 16th of May and I was going to take the 10 am bus on Monday, however, when we got on the bus we had learned that the 10 am bus already left because of an issue with another bus company, Trailways. I was on Grey hound so they were helping out this company that probably oversold on their tickets. A lot of people were supposed to get on the 10 am bus so I wasn't the only one screwed over.

We ended up leaving New York and did an express trip and skipped Syracuse. We had arrived in Buffalo but we ended up waiting there for 2 hours. My ticket said we'd leave for Buffalo at 6.30 pm but didn't leave until 9. I waited in the bus terminal for a bit and noticed this girl, probably 13, walking around BAREFOOT and with 5 other guys. Now walking barefoot in such a public space is just inappropriate and unhygienic. I figured she was probably a local. As well, being that she was with 5 other guys, she may have been a redneck and a slut so maybe that's why she was barefoot. It's possible some of them may have been related to her but whenever I see one girl with more then 4 guys, I get a little suspicious! Anyways, I wonder if she is one of those young teenagers who has a mother that doesn't love her child because I would never allow my child to be out barefoot in public, especially a bus terminal of all places!

As well, the bus was idling for the entire time we were waiting in Buffalo, which is not good thing to do, especially for the bus and for the environment. As we were leaving Buffalo, the bus was having problems running so we ended up having to switch buses, which again took some time. I think idling it may have caused problems, but being that I don't know much about cars, I can't really say for sure.

I didn't get into Toronto until 1.15 am and took the street car home. Being it was late and not much people were on it, I got home pretty quickly since we weren't making many stops and there wasn't much traffic. I had work the next day so I ended up with only 4 hours of sleep. Basically this week I took it easy and was slowly catching up on my lost sleep.

On Friday when I left, I was the 3rd last person to get on the bus. I had thought that ordering a ticket online would guarantee you a spot for the same you had selected online but no it doesn't work that way, which I don't think is right. I potentially would have to wait for another bus but at least I got on it on Friday.

When I arrived on Friday, my host was worried that I never called her as I didn't get to her place until 8.30 and I said my ticket says I'll be there at 6, which didn't happen. My cell phone was not able to get a signal so I never bothered calling. I didn't think to bug someone to use their phone because I didn't think it would be a big deal if I was late and I typically do not like asking people for help unless its absolutely necessary. My host is a bit of a worrier, which actually is one of my pet peeves. I understand people worry but if something bad happened to me, worrying isn't going to solve the issue.

On Saturday I took a ferry around Manhattan and got to see the skyline. I saw the Statue of Liberty. This ferry wasn't the ferry that took you to Staten Island where the statue is located but it had stopped in front of it so we could get a good look at it.

I had lunch with someone from the forum, whom came to Toronto. She is closer to my age and has been living in New York for over a year. She had to work for the weekend so we weren't able to hang out much but I appreciate that she took the time to meet up with me.

I then spent the rest of my afternoon walking around Central Park. I didn't know it was so big. I started from the south and worked my way up to the Jackie O pond so I think I did half the park.

I then went to the Guggenheim art museum as my guide book said that its free on Saturdays from 5.45 to 7.45. There was a really long line up and I wasn't sure if I should get in line but it ended up moving quickly so I was able to see everything there.

On Sunday I met up with another woman from the forum. It's too bad that we all couldn't be together but they actually hung out with my host last weekend so it was understandable.

We went to Ground Zero. It was actually smaller then I thought it would be. Then we went to the Memorial site which was a few minutes away.

We went to Wall St as I wanted my picture taken with the Bronze Bull that is supposed to be representing the rising of the stock market. I thought that's not really realistic since they should have a Bear (which symbolizes a fall) next to it and in the middle a panicked investor. That's the reality of the stock market!

I did so much walking on Saturday so my feet were sore. The woman I met up with wasn't able to spend too much time with me so she left in the afternoon and I just went to one shoe store and a t-shirt store. I really hate shopping but at least I could say I went to some stores.

My host lives by the beach (15 minutes) so she took me there and I officially touched the Atlantic ocean for the first time as I went down to the water and put my hands into it. It wasn't that cold.

I like the subway system as well. Toronto only really has 2 major lines so it's easy to navigate but NY has tonnes so it's more like a game to figure out which lines to take. They had a lot of new subways as well. I think I only went on 2 or 3 older subways.

I don't think I'd like to live there though but I don't know if I'll go back again this year or next. It's close enough so that I can go whenever I want to.

I felt different when I came back to Canada. I like the vibe of this country, it seems more relaxed or maybe being in America makes me a little nervous. I did see some New Yorkers be nice. I think I have this idea that they are mean and tough but some of them seemed helpful when asking for directions.

I may like you New York but I think I like Toronto just a little bit more!

Lunch time

Greetings all,

For lunch at work, I usually have lunch with the same coworker and sometimes we have other coworkers join us. Now that it's warmer out, we'll go outside to eat.

On Thursday I believe, a coworker that isn't in my department anymore saw me and said that the coworker I normally have lunch with, is outside and told me which area. I think she wanted to say 'your boyfriend' but didn't. Now how did I know this was what she was probably going to say? Well I think she caught herself in time and there was that hesitant pause and I just had the feeling that's what she was going to say. I think I gave her a brief scowl.

Now just because I have lunch with a coworker on a regular basis, that's male, doesn't mean he's my boyfriend. I'm sure some people in the office wonder but I don't care. I usually have a routine when it comes to eating and I normally like to eat around 12 o'clock and this coworker probably likes the routine we have of eating together.

It's more fun when there is at least a third joining us because he seems to be more chatty when there is a third. I personally do not find him attractive and he is not my type at all. In fact I find him to be a bit boring and sometimes I wonder if I should lunch with other people but most people where I work don't eat lunch at a consistent time, depending on their work load.

I had mentioned that I think this coworker had a thing for me, however, I could be wrong. Sometimes I just can't tell if a guy is into me or not. I think the only way I'll know for sure is if the guy throws me up against a wall and says "Paula, I want you"

I don't think this coworker is interested in me as I may have been incorrect in the first place. I would think if someone wants you, a move would have been made. As well, since I'm aware we wouldn't work out as a couple and don't feel a connection in that way, I would think men are smart about things like that and probably are aware if they have feelings for a woman or not.

Emily

Greetings all,

I will be writing about a very annoying young woman who works in the aisle next to where I sit. I believe she is between 24-26. She is not in my department as she is an Underwriter.

She lives in Oakville so she commutes on the Go train and sometimes works from home. As a born and raised Hamiltonian, Oakville and Burlington were considered the snobby rich kids, especially Oakville, so we didn't really like people from there. She actually is a very snobby person and this is probably why she irritates me so much. She's blonde and talks non-stop. She is a fashion conscious person, however some of the outfits she wears, I just think are ugly. Because I think she is an ugly person on the inside, no amazing outfit she can possibly wear will make me think she is pretty.

Now as an underwriter, they do have to reject people and they can't give insurance to everyone so you need that objectiveness. The department is essentially all women and from what I hear, they all sound like decent enough women but this one sounds like a heartless bitch sometimes. And that's probably because she is!

She has a boyfriend as well and frankly I wonder what her boyfriend is like. She sounds very closed minded and judgemental about things but also speaks with such authority. She's not inquisitive and a thinker like I am. She just acts superior. She is smart to some degree but she is terribly, terribly rude and mean. I wonder if her boyfriend is one of those pussified men who acts weak on the surface and so is drawn to bitches like that.

You know, sometimes I think stupid thoughts but I filter myself. Sometimes she just chats so much, I think she has no filter and is just seems like she's constantly got to spew crap just for the sake of it.

Most days I can tolerate her insensitive nature but there have been a few times where she drives me batty. Today was one of them. Luckily the other time she drove me nuts, I ended up searching for some kundalini yoga mantras and ended up stumbling across one that had some amazing songs so it was easy to tune her out.

It makes me wonder what her parents do for a living and what her parents are like. The sad thing is that some of these kids that come from parents with high class jobs, they act all high and mighty when the job they have isn't high and mighty.

At my last job, we had a smaller department and one of my coworkers was the same way, except she was a lesbian and she wasn't snobby. She would talk endlessly but also complain about her health and just was a general drag. And she was only 26.

I just don't understand these people that speak so mindlessly and unconsciously!

And she's fake on the phone. Because she's such a bitch in person, she has to put on a fake phone manner that she actually cares. She's not on the phone often but she's one of those people that acts all nice as pie to you and then when she hangs up, she'll bad talk the person if she was bothered by it. I can understand when dealing with a difficult person but she just seems to be like that in general.

Tick Tock

Greetings all,

I was searching the other day in my facebook inbox for some email and I came across an old email as I had messaged a friend I had 'dumped' back when I was 20. I have a tendency to save my emails and sometimes do get around to deleting them.

I dumped her mainly because I was going through a weird phase in my life and I just wasn't sure if the friendship was fitting anymore. I had ended my first year of university and decided to not continue. This was shocking I guess, being that I was the nerd and the smart one. I just wasn't feeling school and eventually I was drawn to anthroposophy. I honestly didn't know what I was doing with my life but I felt I needed to get away from the school system.

I had chatted on occasion with a friend from my high school at university and eventually his friend would hang out with us. He went to my high school as well, I just never really talked to him. Eventually my best friend and him started dating. I had felt like she changed when she was with him and I felt she became more immature. I tried talking to her about this but she wasn't listening and eventually I had to end things with her.

The thing is, she is one of those people that always has to be in a relationship. She had a boyfriend for 5 years in high school. The first time I met him, I thought he was gay. And I was right. He didn't come out to her until a few months after the relationship ended. She would always complain about their relationship issues and it makes sense after he officially came out, why he wasn't a good boyfriend. He treated her like crap and I never understood why she stayed with him.

She immediately jumped into another relationship, but this time with a distant cousin (I believe he was her 3rd cousin, not 100% sure) that was visiting from Cyprus and staying at her parents home. She fell in love in him and they had a long distance relationship for several months. Her dad was quite against it and for some reason her mother was supportive of it.

I was a little disgusted by it because it's just wrong to fall for a cousin. It's disgusting! I don't care how distant he is. From a genealogical perspective, he's close enough to be related and that's wrong!

I don't think they ended up having sex but there was definite nudity going on.

I think because she couldn't handle the relationship and was not willing to actually make it work, she ended up getting involved with the guy from my high school. Again, jumping quickly into another relationship without actually taking time to assess what was going on in the previous relationship. I don't think she actually officially ended things with him. Again, I don't think it's right to do that. If you love someone and then decide it's not going to work, you should have the common courtesy to end things with them. As well, I think she should have told the new guy (now her husband) she was dating that she still had a boyfriend but she didn't want to. Again, I didn't think that's right because you're starting the relationship based on lies and deceit. But I guess in this case, I was wrong and since they've been together for 11 years, building a relationship based on lies and deceit can still work out in the end. Stating that disturbs me but it seems to be the truth.

See because I was smart, I knew that you shouldn't jump into a new relationship so quickly after ending one but she did. But when I messaged her a few years ago, she was still married to him. And when I saw the old email a few days ago, I had learned she had a child about a year and a half ago, as her profile pic was her child and I was able to see pics from her profile (some people just need to learn to apply the privacy filter!)

So of course, many women my age are married and having babies. So I feel quite left out and 'falling behind'. I wonder when will it be my turn? My clock has been ticking for the past 5 years and I just wonder sometimes if I'll ever find love and have a family. There are times when I feel that may not ever happen to me and it is quite upsetting.

I don't understand why she can be 'successful' in a relationship but I can't. I don't know but maybe she's one of those women that is easy to please. That's the only logical explanation I can think of. Her husband was a simple beer drinking mechanic and she probably is simple too.

And maybe I'm not simple and being that I am a complex person, I wonder if simple people are the most confusing people to me. How can they not think what I think or question what I do? How can they just be content with the world?

My Karma sucks sometimes.

Getting the Love you Want - Book Review

Greetings all,

I had been reading the following book by Harville Hedrixs and it's geared for couples. I don't like the book too much as basically he is arguing that whatever wounds in childhood we experienced, we are unconsciously seeking it in the partners we choose. So if a man had a critical mother, chances are that's the kind of woman he'd be attracted to.

I can see this to some degree but I think it's too general and I don't particularly care for his style of exploring the unconscious.

The first half was discussing the theory and the second half was the 'practical application'. I didn't find it that practical but yesterday morning I read a section where he basically says that we can not look within for love, for the love and nurturing we desire, but rather have to look externally. As well, the partners we are attracted to, they are the ones that have to change so that we can heal ourselves. Of course, since this book is geared for couples, I can see his point of saying that your partner has to change. For example if you are attracted to critical men, your need for nurturance will be fulfilled once he changes as well, which is something he needs to do. But I don't know why the woman wouldn't go for the nurturing man in the first place and cut out the middle man of the critical man.

I think this contradicts everything I've ever read and have heard from people in happy relationships. I don't think it's realistic to expect someone to change and the only real power we have is to change our thoughts or reactions to things. If I expect people around me to change, I am losing my sense of power.

His exact quote was "in his efforts to heal his partner, he would be recovering an essential part of himself!"
This was applied to an example if the wife had parents who weren't physically affectionate and she was drawn to a man who was the same. He said he saw the unconscious selection process in a new way, namely that what the other partner was least able to give, it happened to be the area they needed their partner to grow. So to meet her needs, the husband would need to step out of his comfort zone and be more physically affectionate but this would help him as well. As well, if the husband becomes more affectionate, logically wouldn't she start losing her attraction to him? That's why I would think it would make sense to go after the nurturing, touchy feely people in the first place.

I think that's all nice and dandy in theory but I don't think it's realistic to expect someone to change. Again, I can see this maybe being useful for couples who have been together for a while but at the same time, they have to ask themselves, is it really worth working hard to save the relationship?

I was a little disturbed by this. I think the more I nurture myself, the more I seek respect and kindness from others. On the flip side, if people are nice to me, and I was not feeling my best, it may have an effect on me, if repeated enough.

I Hate The Unknown

Greetings all,

I can honestly say, I sometimes hate change. I sometimes fear it. I don't like being surprised. I know some people look at life as a journey and an adventure but I don't. At least not all the time. There are just too many unknowns out there and it freaks me out sometimes. I don't always live in a constant state of fear but I have my days where I experience anxiety about my future. I have tools to calm myself down and regain focus so I can manage it for the most part.

Some people just seem so trusting of life and of the world. I just don't know if I'll ever be one of those people. I would like to but sometimes I think I'll be naive and blind to reality.

The Rest of the You Tube Videos... as Promised

Greetings all,

A couple of other missions the Improv in Toronto group did was doing a Subway Dance Party. They have been doing this every year for the past few years and I don't think I'll do it again as I enjoy doing new missions and not ones I've done before.



I stayed to do an interview so you can see me at the end of the video at the 4.08 minute mark. I'm not sure if I'm really in the video much. I think my runners got into the video. I was more a subtle dancer because everyone else in the car was dancing more wilder. We had 10 people or so for each car on the train and we had enough people for 2 trains. So one person would start dancing. At the next stop, 2 people would join in and then at the next 2 more. So we continued this until everyone in the group was dancing.

The other mission I did was the Algorithm March. We had learned from a You Tube video, however, I cannot seem to find it but the night before I had practised the moves. There are only 9 or so moves so it wasn't too bad to learn. We had gone to Kensignton Market and did several times at various locations. The first march, one person is doing it. It's done again but then he is joined by us. It was fun and nerdy!

Coupling Up

Greetings all,

Lately some people around me and my social groups have been coupling up and it's kind of annoying being that I am single.

First of all, there is a couple of people on my floor who sometimes I have lunch with. They are 26 and 24 and have not officially come out to me that they are a couple(I'm probably not in her inner circle) but me and another coworker think there is something going on. Last time we had lunch with her she had said she had a boyfriend and mentioned later on how she was at the coworker who we think is her boyfriend and how she was cleaning his apartment but he didn't want her to.

They are both really nice people so I have nothing against them but it's pretty obvious that something is going on. I've seen how she orders him nicely to get a Tim Horton's tea for her. I see them together alot, just the two of them. It's like, people who are keeping a secret, do they really think that people around them aren't perceptive and can figure out stuff? Really, you're only fooling yourself if you think you can actually keep a secret!

Another couple that formed was a couple of people in my book group. The girl is 26 the guy is 34. I joined the group back in October. I thought the guy was a bit attractive but I wasn't sure if there was anything there that would happen. I don't know if it's my ego but I felt maybe he had a thing for me. But then some people are flirty in personality and that's how they are so it's easy to assume that maybe they are interested in you. If they are happy, then good for them. I am not looking for drama in my life so I feel I have to adjust to them now as a couple. Although I didn't know them too well as individuals, it feels weird because now I feel I have to relate to them in a couple sense.

Sometimes the bond between 2 people gets in the way of other people bonding to them as individuals. I can't be the only one who feels like when socializing with couples, you socialize on some level with them as one unit. Being that I've been single essentially all of my life, I always made my own decisions and didn't have to 'check in' with someone and if you want to go out with one of them, you know that depending on what you talk about, they'll end up telling things to their mate.

Finally I had a meetup (meetup.com, a site for socializing) where we did a heritage walk. I don't know them too well, although I know the guy a bit better. The girl I have seen a couple of times but never really talked to her. My first impression of her was I felt that she was a bitch. I thought maybe she had something going on with some other guy in a karaoke meetup as they had spent the majority of the night talking and then left together. I thought the guy was a bit cute but again, I wasn't sure if it could go anywhere. I was surprised to see that they are together now.

I don't know but usually when I hang out with someone, I try and figure out if it could go anywhere. I mean, I do this on an unconscious level, probably since I am single and wanting a relationship. I can usually tell when talking with someone if there is chemistry and if we are like minded enough. I only met one person whom I thought it could go somewhere (english muffin) but I guess I was wrong so I am as well, not trusting my own intuition. I had been in love before but I couldn't see it going anywhere, whereas with english muffin, I could see. So I can distinguish that sometimes loving someone, doesn't mean it will work out.

And that's what I look for when I am meeting a guy. After a while of getting to know them, I can figure out if we are on the same page. As well, I feel I need to see a future.

I'm still on the dating fence and I know at some point I will have to get back on the horse but I feel confused by my intuition. I need clarity in my life.

Anyways, I must get back to judging these people who are coupling off. For the first couple, who are coworkers. I've dated a coworker once, but I was a temp so I didn't envision my future working for that company. It's risky to date someone from work. You have a 50/50 chance of it succeeding. If it works, it's worth the risk but if it doesn't, it'll be a major pain. It's not always the best thing to mix business and pleasure. Since this couple at work seem like nice people, I don't see it becoming ugly.

As well, I don't know why my coworker would even consider cleaning a man's apartment! She's one of those nice girls and this is just so very wrong to do. Men do not like to have a new girlfriend do those things. It's acting like a mom. When my parents came down to Toronto last Friday, I didn't have a clean apartment for over a month. My bathroom sink was dirty. My mom came in to use the washroom. I should have anticipated she'd come in to pee as she always needs to pee. When I came home I saw that she had cleaned up my sink. I was angry since it was my mess and I didn't want her to clean it up. I planned on cleaning my apartment that weekend and was annoyed.

Anyways, back to never cleaning for a boyfriend. You just don't. I should tell her it's not right. It's emasculating. Luckily the other coworker is not an asshole and I can see that kind of behaviour being taken advantage of. If a man is dating you, you don't have to do a thing. Just be nice and look pretty and get to know him. Not obligated to do a DAMN thing!

I really have not much to say about the 2nd and 3rd couples, except with the girl in the bookgroup, she does the same thing and helps to clean up. We have tea and she'll clean up sometimes. You're not married and not living together. You don't have to clean up. I sometimes will never understand nice girls. I'm nice but not that nice.

I just have to keep focused on my own goals and myself and not let these events around me distract from my focus as sometimes I wonder when will it be my time to find the right person. I've waited long enough but I guess I have to keep waiting. And I hate waiting!

The Perfect Popcorn

Greetings all,

Today I had made stove top popcorn and I managed to make it perfectly. I had no kernel left behind and nothing was burnt. It was a delight to eat and as I was finishing off my snack, I had noticed one particular popcorn that had its own face, with perfect eyes and a gaping mouth.

Enjoy my greasy finger tips!

The angle shot





In the above photo, you can clearly see how well defined the holes are, thus making it look like a pair of real eyes.

At this point in time, I have not yet eaten it. I don't know if I should eat it or not, it is human to me now. I have bonded to it. But alas, at some point I will consume it and me and the popcorn will be One. For now I will let it have a free existence in my popcorn bowl.

What a blessed day!

Some You Tube Videos

Greetings all,

I joined this group last year that does pranks (missions) around the city of Toronto. We recently did one at the ROM (Royal Ontario Museum) where we protested protests. I am the nut job in the yellow t-shirt who yells at the 45 second mark. That's probably the biggest scene I am in.



This one is a dance that we did at the Yonge and Dundas Square. We did this I think in November and learned the dance moves in a few hours. Lot of work but it was fun.



I'll show the rest of videos from our missions another day.

Wedding Time

Greetings all,

I had a wedding to attend last night for a relative. I had wrote a while ago how I went to the Bride's shower, whom is not my relative. She had rubbed me the wrong way as we were leaving at her shower. Not sure exactly what happened but I got this vibe she was some control freak. Since I am a free spirit, people like that sometimes get me riled up.

My mother had told me on the wedding invitation that it said to arrive at 5:00 PM sharp and that actually aggravated me. It's interesting how one little word to me conveys the mentality of the Bride. I can understand saying 'Reception at 5, Dinner promptly at 7' but to tell us to arrive at 5 promptly.

OH
NO
YOU
DIDN'T!!!

I was cleaning up my apartment on Friday night and only did parts of it. I usually clean my apartment once a month and I think I didn't clean for 6 weeks so it was quite messy. I ended up having to finish cleaning it on Saturday and then I had to remove the hair on my legs. I use one of the electric hair removers that pull it from the root so it takes a bit of time. No it doesn't hurt and it's really the best thing for me to do. I used to have laser done but ever since I moved out, I was not able to afford the cost as it can be expensive. I do have bald patches on my legs but I probably could have a few more sessions done to permanently get rid of the rest of my hair. As well, I normally don't remove my hair in the winter unless I have to and this was one of those "I have to" occasions. I had these 2 things that I needed to do and I didn't want to feel rushed to do them. I was in a bad mood too. I felt like I'll show up when I'm ready, not when you tell me!

I didn't get to Hamilton until 5pm and we probably didn't get there until 5:45 because I had to get dressed and slap on some make up. I'm one of those smart women that can get ready quickly. I don't drag out my prep time! Now I don't know if the Bride was saying they start at 5pm prompt but I got the impression they expected us there at 5pm. There was a long line up to greet the bride and groom.

I find these things so boring now, especially since I don't have a date and just chat with relatives. I'd probably have more fun if I had a date that I could have meaningful intellectual discourse because I just end up getting bored. The meal was drawn out until 9.30 or 10 pm. I would rather eat faster and party longer. It was done at 1 and it felt like the dancing portion went by too fast. I at least enjoyed the later part of the evening since I danced with my cousin-in-law.

The Bride had a best friend of over 10 or 20 years and the first thing her best friend described her as was 'what she wants she gets'. This is not the first thing I would want my best friend to describe me. I don't know the bride but this was just another piece that made me think she's some type of control freak. Usually you would describe someone first as they are really nice or are kind and funny or smart. The first thing I wouldn't want to be identified, especially as a woman, as someone 'what she wants she gets'. Certainly there is nothing wrong with setting goals and achieving them. It's not an 'open to life' mentality. More like 'bend to my will bitch' mentality.

Her speech about her new husband (my second cousin) was very practical and logical and dry. His speech was heart warming and sensitive and he was getting emotional. I would think that if I were describing my new husband, I'd show some vulnerability and open up emotionally how I felt about him. I guess not everyone is like that. They were high school sweethearts as well. His older brother got divorced a few years ago from his high school sweetheart because she fell in love with another man while going to school. I should hope the same thing doesn't happen.

I think it's weird that people marry their high school sweetheart. I guess they are lucky in a sense but they don't really get to experience and explore other people. I guess maybe relationships wasn't a karma they had to sort through?

They are 5 years younger then me, so they are 26. Already have a house and have good jobs and seem to have their lives together. So I felt a little down about last night but overall, it didn't drag me down too much. I have had some of my book group friends in Dundas tell me their mom didn't have kids and marry until 40. I know they were trying to cheer me up but I sure hope I don't have to wait that long to find the right man.

It bothers me to think that while I'm still single and doing things on my own, people younger then me or my age have someone they can share and build their life with. That's what I want too and sometimes I wonder when it's going to happen to me. I make the best of my life and keep active but I still don't understand why because I feel I deserve a meaningful relationship. It doesn't bother me as much because I just have to keep focused on my life and what I want. It's the whole concept of keeping up with the Jones. They have a house and a relationship and I want one too and it's not fair that they have one and I don't. Oh well, just gotta keep my eye on the prize!

I had been joking around with my mother as well as to what they would say at my wedding because the Bride's parents talked about the couple. I want my mom to praise me and to say that I have a profound level of compassion for humanity.

I don't have a best friend either so I am wondering who I would get to give my speech. I have some good friends I guess I could ask them to talk about me.

World Economy

Greetings all,

My book group started to read a new book as we had finished a few weeks ago, Steiner's Toward Social Renewal. We are reading the 14 lecture book World Economy. We started it last week and made it through the first lecture. I read the book about 8 years ago but I really enjoyed it and it made sense to me in a way I couldn't explain.

In TSR, Steiner mentioned in the last chapter how Germany needs to change its thinking instead of expecting reality to conform to their ideas. This was pre WWII Germany. Because Germany didn't want to change their ideas, things got really messed up in the first World War. Steiner wasn't around for WWII.

As well in the first lecture of World Economy, he talks about the same idea of Germany needing to change its idea so as to understand reality.

When I was reading these sections, I felt like I am 1850-1920 Germany! I felt last year my whole life fell apart and that if I wanted my life to get better I had to let go of some of my ideas instead of expecting reality to conform to my thinking. Steiner thought at the time Germany needed to change in order to solve their problems and they didn't seem ready at the time and it created alot of chaos and disorder with WWI.

I know it's not easy to realize that maybe you have to be the one to change your ideas but that's what I felt I had to do. It's not easy and it's painful and a blow to the ego. Reality is not easy to escape but we all in some way have these beliefs that don't correspond to reality and we all know in the end, reality will win, not what we ignorantly cling to in our minds.

In the World Economy lecture he compares how Germany turned into an agrarian society into an industrial one versus England. He said Germany was very analytical about this process and there was a lot of public discussion whereas in England, it was an instinctual process for them and they just became industrialized. Their thinking was mobile whereas Germany was not as mobile in their thinking and that was why Germany was so analytical and discussing so thoroughly this process.

I feel I am behaving the same way as Germany and am consciously trying to evolve by over analyzing things. I think it's more of a hindrance than a good thing. I'd rather evolve instinctively and just do it and I feel I am a mobile thinker to some degree but feel I have to work on it more.

Since I'm in a different place in my life now, I wonder what I'll extract again from this book. Steiner started to talk about the concept of Capital and someone in my group said something about things getting wild. This triggered an image of Girls Gone Wild and then I thought of Capital Gone Wild. I am wondering if I could make a joke of this. It was one of these jokes you had to be there to get!